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Pan Female Submissive, 41,  Eugene , Oregon
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SweetMisery0074

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Friends:
FurymastrjoesmithORDomMikeRomanticMasterMalvrik
Seadracojokeyrr6RogueCowboyMasterMindmatt21
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First of all, I am NOT here to rush into a relationship at all! I will NOT be Your immediate submissive. I don't believe in the INSTANT D/s relationship where You add milk, stir for 2 minutes, and chill for 5-10 minutes. Then.... TA-DAAA its set, perfect and ready! I have learned my lesson. It does NOT work that way for me... I need to get to know You well before I commit and give my submission. PLUS, that is the damn recipe for pudding... which DOES NOT last long in my house either!


Also, in my opinion, just because someone is a submissive/slave does NOT mean they are a submissive/slave to every Dom/Master/Mistress that they come in contact with. Submitting to someone is my choice and if I choose not to, that is my decision to make. If You are looking for someone to treat as a doormat, do not even bother messaging me!!

As far as play partners, that is a different story... I enjoy play, usually with people I know. *grins*

I am ALWAYS willing to make new friends both online and in real life; submissives, slaves, switches, Doms, Masters, Dommes, ALL/ANY types of people! After all, that is where everything begins.... with friendship. I am ALWAYS interested in meeting new people(
although, the shy side of me does get the best of me some of the times). Meeting someone new in person would, of course, take place in a safe environment at first...I strongly believe in the SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL view of things. If Y/you have any further questions, feel free to email me.


As far as the future, I know I want to become a better submissive, to become what I envision as the "perfect" submissive/slave. I know that I want to EVENTUALLY find where I truly belong and feel wanted, desired, cherished and needed. I want to bring happiness to the One I am with, to serve with a true heart, willing body, mind, and spirit. I also know that I need to take the time to discover myself first. I would want some One with patience and understanding. I tend to gravitate to the Sadist type with a gentle side to them as well. Not sure if I will find some One like that, but to me, its worth the wait.




"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
**Anais Nin**

*** slave's hunger***
a raging inferno that burns inside

slave's hunger, will it be denied?
hoping to please in every way
striving continually day by day

"Master, she only wants You pleased"
crawling before You on her knees
that desire within, constantly aflame
passion erupts from hearing His name

wanting to see that smile on Your face
Your pleasure in her not to be erased
needing Your guidance and Your touch
at times it seems she needs so much

Your very strength felt deep within
giving all fully, no need to pretend
her every passion, her very soul
Master, it's You that makes her whole...

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 SweetMisery0074

 Submissive Female

 Eugene  

 Oregon

 5' 5"

 41

 Pan

 Caucasian

 03/21/07

 

Actively Seeking:

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Journal Entries:
3/31/2013 2:38:32 PM

My Views On Submission

 

Author: Lorraine Casey © 2000


Submission is a gift. It can not be given all at once
like a bunch of freshly picked flowers. It must be
cultivated and nourished. While one may be naturally
submissive, one does not naturally submit.

 

 

True submission comes from deep within the soul.
It travels through us, pausing at the heart,
where it then emerges through our physical
body and mind to our Dominant. It is my further
belief, that you must love yourself first before you
can serve another.

 

 

Without trust, honor and integrity, you are wearing
a mask. While this mask may disguise you from others
it is your true reflection you must face under the mask.
Trust... is stronger than any rope or chain.

 

 

Submission is not something a Dominant can take.
It must be given or there can be no surrender.
It is with this frame of thinking that a submissive
should always remember how valuable her gift is.

 

 

I have the right to limitations and safety. The most
purest type of submission is that given with no thought
of oneself. if I am worried about my safety, then pure
submission is not obtained. I need communication, consent,
respect, safe word (gesture), and aftercare. When a
submissives limitations are ignored, it is then
that BDSM becomes abuse.


7/8/2011 2:38:21 PM

The man I am renting a room from is moving at the end of this month (July), so obviously, I am moving. Thanks to a wonderful friend, I think I found an awesome place to live. The place is close to family, friends, and places I need to go to frequently. The room is a good size- wood floors, 2 large windows, 2 closets. I will also have my own bathroom. There is also a beautiful sun room! The large backyard is filled with gardens- including strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, apples, grapes, raspberries, asparagus, and much more. They also have 4 chickens for fresh eggs. There are two beautiful ponds and flowers everywhere. The house is ran on solar and regular electricity. The house is pretty large, so I will have plenty of privacy. The monthly rent, including wi-fi and all other utilities, is extremely reasonable.

 

Now, all I have to do is PACK up my room and move things over there which can be a pain in the ass. Luckily, I kept the totes from the move here (on May 13th), and the new place is not very far from here.

 

Started my new job as a home health RN. Met my first patient last week and the family and patient loved me! <3 =)  I worked my first orientation shift on Weds night and things went well. There is a lot to learn, but being a nurse since 1998 and having prior experience with home health and caring for patients similar to my new patient- I am sure things will go great!


6/19/2011 1:42:30 AM

I moved May 13th, 2011... renting a room from a friend now. It is weird being on my own compared to living with 6 other people. I am just adapting to my new surroundings, learning the area around here, and so on.  School is going pretty good... getting all A's. I have a second interview for a home-health position on Monday. I am crossing my fingers!  My other part time job is going so-so. With more privacy, I am hoping to do more with this job.


11/25/2010 4:30:48 PM

Morning Realization


The sun peers through the morning white clouds.

Bright light upon my face.

Eyes flutter open…

Realization that my dreams were just that: 

Thoughts of You and me…

My secret wishes and my deep desires. 

Your handsome face still fresh in my memory; Your powerful eyes pulling in my very soul.  

Eyes that make me feel like a helpless little girl and Your slut at the same time. 

The loud buzz of the alarm clock shakes me out of my infatuated day dream. 

Stumbling into the kitchen, thankful that all is still quiet in the house of many.

Set in my routine: turning the stove top on and placing the teapot filled with water upon the warming surface.

Waiting, my mind begins to drift back to You, to us.

Deep down, I should know that we would never be more.

Yet, I continue to punish myself, to suffer, to cause myself pain.

A true masochist at heart.

The whistle of the teapot, I pour the steaming water into my favorite mug.

The scent of my favorite peppermint tea fills the air as I add a bit of sugar to sweeten the deal.

Taking a sip, the warm liquid fills my mouth and slides down my throat.

Pausing, I inhale slowly.

Placing the mug down I walk away, feeling a sense of disappointment.

I would much rather have the tastes of You on my lips, in my mouth… any day.


8/10/2010 2:27:27 AM
AFTER A WHILE 

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.”
~Veronica A. Shoffstall

3/17/2010 5:54:19 AM
Take a look around... 
Don't you see it?
 

See that you are only the real face in the room. 
No one in here has a clue what you're feelin'. 
Don't feel bad... 
Keep your sadness alive.  


Look at all these happy people... 
Living their lives.  
Look at all these plastic people... 
There's nothing inside.  
Look at all these shallow people...
Telling their lies. 
Look at all these empty people people... 
  

Don't you know, 
That Misery loves Company? 
Yeah I heard, 
That Misery was looking for me. 
Happiness, is a face that don't look good on me. 
Yeah, I heard, 
That Misery comes looking for me. 
Whoa, Misery's my company! 
Whoa, Misery is looking for me! 
Looking for me! 


The hands are up now. 
Everybody's singing. 
Everybody's moving. 
They've programmed their feelings. 
They're synchronizing, 
And criticizing! 
Don't feel bad, 
Keep your sadness alive! 


Look at all these happy people... 
Living their lives. 
Look at all these plastic people... 
They're dying inside. 
Look at all these shallow people... 
Telling their lies. 
Look at all these empty, people, people... 


Don't you know, 
That Misery loves Company? 
Yeah I heard, 
That Misery was looking for me. 
Happiness, is a face that don't look good on me. 
Yeah I heard, 
That Misery comes looking for me.  
Whoa, Misery's my company! 
Whoa, Misery is looking for me!  


Don't you know this Misery loves me? 

Don't you know this Misery loves me? 
Don't you know this Misery loves me?
Don't you know this Misery loves me? 

Loves ME? 


So, you're tired of running? 
You're tired of hurting? 
You're tired of living in their lie?  
You're tired of listening? 
You're tired of hurting? 
Keep your sadness alive, alive, alive...


LYRICS FROM MISERY BY GOOD CHARLOTTE





2/3/2010 2:24:00 PM
Pride 

Stand tall, girl.

Right foot forward first, than the left.

Small steps to begin with...

And don't forget to breathe.

Hold your head high, girl.

Chin up, green eyes wide and bright.

Don't you DARE let them see you look weak, girl.

Don't let them get you down.

Don't let them have that satisfaction.

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it may get.

Feel the strength and pride you carry within your body?

You stand tall and don't falter, girl.

You could be one of the last standing after the cards finally fall.

Copyright © 2009 SweetMisery74



11/17/2009 11:25:53 AM
GONE 



She quietly snuck up behind Him and reached up and covered His beautiful brown eyes with her hands. A big smile stretched across His handsome face as He felt her soft hands over His eyes and smelt her soft flowery scent. He knew right away who it was and was filled with happiness. She attempted to hold back a giggle, but it escaped her. He softly whispered her name over and over again. A rush of excitement raced through her body hearing Him say her name. He grabbed her hands and pulled them down and around His waist. He saw her, her soft moist lips curled into a sly smile, her freckled cheeks rosy pink, and her sparkling mischievous green eyes looking at Him lovingly.
She tightened her hold around His bare waist and locked her fingers together. She rested her head against His back and He heard her let out a happy sigh. He could feel her long copper hair against His back, tickling His flesh slightly. He felt her full breasts against Him as they moved slowly with her relaxed breathing. She began to run her hands up His toned chest, and as she brought her hands down, her fingernails ran against His flesh. He moaned softly and closed His eyes. He felt her begin to kiss His back, starting out with pecks and then began to slow down, kissing His flesh with more passion and patience.
She began to softly chant the words that He knew she wanted to say once again for a long time now. “I love You… I love You… I love You.” His heart felt like it would burst with joy. With His eyes still closed He reached to grab her hands from His chest, but they were gone. His face contorted into a look of confusion as He opened His eyes. There, in front of Him was only His reflection. He stood naked in front of His bedroom full length mirror. As He desperately looked around His room, without a sign of her anywhere, the sad realization began to sink in. She was gone…


11/9/2009 6:32:00 PM
Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil 






She sits in the dark corner, rocking back in forth, legs pressed tightly to her chest and her arms wrapped around them with fingers intertwined.  The chaos continues to rage all around her:   the yelling, the accusations, the angry faces that look upon her, the threats thrown at her. Her trembling hands reach up and clamp over her ears, trying so desperately to keep the noise out.   She squeezes her eyes shut as the salty tears are forced to run down her freckled cheeks. She dares not to speak back.  Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.  
 
She wishes so hard she could just fade away, until there was nothing.  Nothing left to anger anyone, nothing left to yell and scream at, nothing left to accuse and threaten.  She slowly opens her wet eyes and removes her hands from her ears.  Darkness surrounds her.  She cautiously rises, her eyes darting around for the angered ones but all is quiet.  She tiptoes down the long hall and enters the small room.  Walking over to the bed, she kneels over and places small kisses upon the foreheads of her little loved ones.  More tears fall as she walks out, down the hall, and towards the front door.


11/3/2009 4:29:14 PM
In my last post, I commented how life can be cruel, odd and ironic at times... But things can often happen for certain reasons.  Maybe things were never meant to be... Maybe it was all just a learning experience... Maybe I was never in love to begin with... Maybe He wasn't truly in love with me... Maybe I was TOO much in love...


 And maybe, just maybe,  I am "maybe-ing" my life WAY too much.  But what else can I do?  People say things happen for a reason... and I guess this must be true. Because I have nothing else to go on, no reason to grasp onto.  But I know that I am on a path to complete happiness...
 

10/19/2009 4:45:12 AM

Life can be so cruel, odd, and ironic at times.  It works in good ways for people at times, and then not so good ways at other times.  I was just bit in the ass, so to speak.  I received a call from a Nurse Recruiter in UTAH last week wanting me to start work ASAP! MOVING EXPENSES PAID! *SLAMS FOREHEAD INTO DESK*  Now rewind time a few months, and maybe, just maybe... if things were handled differently on both sides....
But sadly, all involved know that is not the case.  I was possibly being too much of a needy bratty submissive needing Him and His attention, while He was just needing some space.  All it required was simple communication and patience on both our parts.  Lessons that I learned here:  1)PLEASE PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP ON SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL, SOMETHING OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE WITHOUT FIGHTING YOUR HARDEST.  BUT,  IF YOU NOTICE THEY AREN'T FIGHTING BACK FOR YOU, IT MAY BE THE RIGHT TIME TO LET THEM FREE.
2)PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE NOTIFIED THE FACILITY ONCE I KNEW I WAS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO MOVE THERE WITH HIM.  IT WOULD HAVE SAVED A LOT OF HEARTACHE!

*pouts*
And it looked like a GREAT place to work too!


10/16/2009 3:28:00 PM
I have been chatting more in Passions for Submission chat room lately and am enjoying it quite a bit..Good topics, conversation, and fun people!

10/16/2009 2:37:07 PM
**THE WHIP (PART 1)**








With a high pitched whistle and then a crack upon my soft flesh, I felt the pain surge through my body, like an electrical shock.  My body tensed and I let out a loud shrill cry.  He grabbed me by my long hair and pulled it hard, wrenching my head back.  Our eyes met, and He spoke in a stern but calm way, “Keep the noise down. Remember?”  With my green eyes locked with His, I slowly nodded.   His brown eyes bore into mine, then He released my hair and I brought my head forward slowly.  With the flickering light of the candles, I caught a glimpse of my sister slave kneeling on her knees in the corner of the room, her small hands folded neatly in her lap.  She glanced up at me, the gold flecks of her beautiful green eyes shimmering, knowing exactly what I was going through, what I was feeling.  A small reassuring smile appeared on her lips.  I smiled back at her, and then heard the loud whistle swing through the air. This time, it did not hit my flesh, but came so very close to the right side of my face. The air swept my long hair away from my ear and the sound echoed throughout my ear. He let out one of His evil chuckles, the kind He enjoyed using on us to let us know that He was in control, always in control.  I remembered back to the evening where He was eying the whip a good friend of O/ours had made by hand.  Sis and I were thinking playfully, “Oh no! Now He is going to build a whip!” I remember the evil look on His face and the devilish twinkle in His eyes as His examined the whip carefully.  I remember being at His place, and sis and I watching Him beginning to make His whip.  Also, I remember the call I got from Sir, as He allowed me to listen to Him and sis.  He pleasured her with the whip as I listened to the wonderful sounds coming from the whip and from my sweet sis. Just hearing this made me excited. Now it was my turn, as I was helplessly tied and bound, no way to get away.  I could only move very little, something I had requested and He had graciously allowed.  Suddenly, a whistle sound, a loud crack, and a wonderful immense pain traced down my naked back.  Endorphins and adrenaline released and shot throughout my body, racing fast.  I began feeling wonderful, like the pain was an escape for me.  I wanted more.  My body craved more.  I arched my back towards Him and let out a low moan.  His hand reached out and slowly traced the precious marks the whip had left upon my ivory flesh.  I flinched and grinned as I heard both my sis and my Sir let out a small laugh.  He had smothered His fingers with hand sanitizer and I felt the wonderful sting of the alcohol seeping into the long wounds.  He came close, nuzzled His face into my neck and began whispering, “Do you like that, my slut?” I nodded quickly, and replied, “Yes, Sir.  I did.”  With a quick hand gesture to my sister slave, she scampered up and was in front of my naked body.  Her sparkling golden green eyes were filled with mischief and she wore a sweet but playful smile.  She began to run her hands over my shoulders, massaging them.  I quickly began to relax, feeling the tension escaping my body.  My eyes closed, and I hung my head slightly.  After a several moments, her hands began to slowly trace down the front of my chest.  As she reached my breasts, I opened my eyes, and met hers.  She began to circle my nipples, teasing them by pulling on the nipple rings occasionally.  I could not help by writhe and try to reach out and touch her.  Her beautiful eyes still locked with mine, she bent forward and took my left breast into her moist mouth.  Moaning, I arched back, and feeling myself becoming even moister between my legs. Suddenly, I felt His strong hand around my right chest and encircle my neck slightly.  He began kissing my cheek, then my neck, and soon He was nibbling and biting my neck.  With my sis sucking and nibbling on my breast, and Sir nibbling and biting on my neck, it was becoming too much for me to handle.  I was trembling and my breathing was becoming fast and staggered.  I was feeling very wet and the wonderful swell was building low inside of me.  Sir must have recognized this, because He stopped quickly, pushed sis off of me and commanded her to return to her spot.  She did so without question or hesitation.  I stood there, bound arms and legs spread helplessly apart, breathing hard and fast, and my heart pounding.  He knelt over, ran His hand through my wet pussy.   “Hmmm… Nice and wet.” He commented.  I smiled and nodded.  With the smile still on my lips, I looked over at my sis.  Only, she was not smiling.  Her beautiful eyes had a look of alarm in them.  My face looked puzzled at her.  Then, I heard it.  I only heard part of it before I felt it upon my mid-back.  This time it was much more severe than the other times.  The whip ripped against my soft flesh.  I screamed as I reared up on my tip toes.  Hot salty tears blurred my vision.  I felt something warm dripping down my back.  I felt Him run a finger through my wound and heard Him suck on it. “Mmmm… Very tasty.” He stated in a low seductive voice.  I felt the thick blood begin to trickle down my back and my mind floated on the thoughts of what was going to happen next.



© Copyright SweetMisery74 2009

9/23/2009 2:56:54 PM
 The Change



She slowly opened her eyes, but could not see anything. She had trouble remembering what had happened. Darkness engulfed her. She was wet, sticky, and cold. She pushed through a thick-like fluid that surrounded her. She reached hardness, a wall. She desperately patted along the wall and she realized she was completely encased. Suddenly, she felt it becoming hard to breathe and her heart began to race in her chest. She heard its rhythm echoing loud in her ears. In a sudden panic, with all her strength she pushed forward. With a rush and a crumbling crash, the wall fell away and she tumbled to the ground. She lay there on the ground, shivering wet in the late evening wind. She gazed up at the sky and saw the first few stars beginning to twinkle and the moon peeking down at her. Around her were tall trees, bushes, and many rocks and stones. She could hear the low rumbling of a river near by. She gazed down at her brand new self. She let out a loud gasp. Her body was completely different. She had two long legs and two dainty feet. She moved them slowly back and forth. She then raised her arms and looked at them and at her hands. She held her hands in front of her face and wiggled her long fingers fast. She giggled to herself, thinking of all the new things she could do now. She looked around and found some large leaves and reached for them. She winced and realized how painful and weak she really was, but was determined to continue her task. She had been through so much, but was not going to give up now. She knew this was a good change, and she must go on and be strong. While she was cleaning her new body off, removing the sticky substance, she heard rustling in the trees and bushes. She jumped and her green eyes darted around the wooded area. She quickly tried to stand to defend herself, but stumbled and fell back hard onto the forest floor. Slowly, faces peeked from behind the trees, bushes, and stones around her. Some were very familiar, and others vaguely familiar. She felt her breathing and heart calm some as they came out more and she realized she knew these creatures. As she regained herself, she felt a heavy feeling weighing on her back, and reached her hands around. She felt a large wet velvety cloth-like thing upon her back and pulled hard. She felt a searing pain sear through her body and let out a shrill banshee-like scream that echoed through the woods. The creatures raced to her to comfort her. She looked back to see that they were purple and black wings. They were HER wings. Her eyes widened and she grinned big and looked around at the others to see them smiling back at her. They were genuinely happy for her. They were her friends, her true friends. One very tall dark haired man and a short pretty woman stepped forward. She kindly wrapped a warm thick blanket around her. He reached out and offered her a large fruit. She took the fruit as she looked at them both with great thanks in her eyes. These two she knew well, she could tell. Her memory was coming back, slowly, but it was coming back. She sat on a log and ate the delicious fruit with the warm blanket wrapped around her. The others sat in a circle and chatted. She felt happy and felt at home with them. After what seemed like a couple of hours had passed, she stood and removed the blanket. Out fluttered huge full beautiful shiny black and dark purple wings that stretched wide and looked gorgeous against her now dry soft long copper curly hair and ivory freckled flesh. She stood strong and tall and her friends stared up at her, so proud of her. Proud of what she had been through and what she had become despite the hardships she had overcome. She felt the night wind calling her and looked down and the handsome tall dark haired man and the pretty woman and they nodded slowly, but commented to return soon. She nodded, smiled at them and then the others. She slowly stepped forward, feeling a bit awkward at first. She stepped into the clearing. She fluttered her new wings, feeling their immense strength. She felt empowered. She felt new. Looking up at the dark night sky, with the stars twinkling down at her, and the moon calling to her, she began to fly up. As her wings took her up to the night sky, she felt complete, strong, safe, and loved. She was ready for her new life to begin.




9/15/2009 5:10:16 PM
Been gone for about 2 weeks .... had lots of time to think about quite a bit of things.  About my life, the people in my life, about what I want, and what I need, who I want, who I need, what and who is good for me, and what and who is bad for me, and so much more.  I tend to want things that I can not have ... no matter how hard I try.. no matter how hard I wish...no matter how hard I beg... and no matter if I promise I will do better if I just can have this or that... if I can just rewind time and change things... make different choices... try harder... be better...  be more patient...be more understanding... But I can't rewind time... I can't have what I want.  So, I must live with my choices, with what I have now... and be happy, satisfied, and move forward. I have a LOT to be happy about.  I have my family... I have wonderful friends... I have my health... and I have me.  I just need to find a way to fill the empty space I have left inside... and I am confident that I will do so.  Its good to be back!! 

8/21/2009 8:18:46 AM
Each new day I am feeling a little better.  I have no choice but to move on.  I find strength, support, caring, and understanding from good friends, both online and offline.  I have 2 great mentors that have been helping me discover more of myself; who am I and what I am looking for.  I want to thank them for being there for me... Always and unconditionally.  Its great to have true friends that are there in good times and in bad... Friends that don't turn their backs on others.

8/18/2009 2:16:20 PM
Crash Into Me By Dave Matthews Band 



You've got your ball 

you've got your chain 

tied to me tight tie me up again 

who's got their claws 

in you my friend 

Into your heart I'll beat again 

Sweet like candy to my soul 

Sweet you rock 

and sweet you roll 

Lost for you I'm so lost for you 


You come crash into me 

And I come into you 

I come into you 

In a boys dream 

In a boys dream 


Touch your lips just so I know 

In your eyes, love, it glows so 

I'm bare boned and crazy for you 

When you come crash 

into me, baby 

And I come into you 

In a boys dream 

In a boys dream 


If I've gone overboard 

Then I'm begging you 

to forgive me 

in my haste 

When I'm holding you so girl 

close to me 


Oh and you come crash 

into me, baby 

And I come into you 

Hike up your skirt a little more 

and show the world to me 

Hike up your skirt a little more 

and show your world to me 

In a boys dream.. In a boys dream 


Oh I watch you there 

through the window 

And I stare at you 

You wear nothing but you 

wear it so well 

tied up and twisted 

the way I'd like to be 

For you, for me, come crash 

into me

8/18/2009 1:59:09 PM
Just to let people know...  I do read my emails... I try to respond to them when I can.  I know this is something I need to work on. Its nothing personal.. Its me.

8/8/2009 12:43:07 AM
I know deep in my heart and in my mind that it is time to move on. I just do not know how at this moment. I am ready to forgive...forgive You... forgive me... forgive a lot of things. But I will never forget. 

8/5/2009 5:45:16 PM
As I sit here, feeling numb and sad, I am thinking about the time we had together.  I am desperately searching for what went wrong… what I did to cause things to go wrong.  Do You know?  Because I would love for You to please tell me.  I fell for You hard, perhaps too hard.  Meeting You when I did, when I needed You so much.  Clinging onto Your sweet words that made me feel like I was someone special, someone worth something, someone You wanted forever.  Taking that step and traveling to meet You was something that took a lot for me to do.  You know this.  But when I first met You, and You wrapped Your arms around me…I was Yours.  I felt Home.

 
       Spending the precious limited time with You was Heaven on Earth.  I thought You felt the same way as I did.  Remember what I said before You put my beautiful silver collar on?  I said “Are You sure I am what You want?  Please do not do this if You are not sure.  I understand if You want to wait.”  But You said You were sure, that You loved me, wanted to be with me for the rest of Your life.  Hearing those words and looking into Your eyes, how could I argue with that? Being with You, learning more about You, meeting Your family, waking up in Your arms just made the feelings I had for You grow stronger and bigger.

 
       Leaving to go home was like something in me was being ripped out of me.  My heart ached and I so badly wanted to stay with You.  I wanted to tell the rest of the world to “Fuck off, I’m not coming home.  Send my kids via Fed Ex immediately!”  I quietly sobbed on the plane the whole way home.  Once home, it was like a culture shock to me.  I was happy to be home with my children, my family, my friends….but something VERY important was missing in my life.  I did not think I was going to survive without You.  I shared this with You, and You reassured me that things were going to be fine.  You frequently reminded me how much You loved me, wanted me, and could not wait for me and my children to visit again and then hopefully move to be with You.  This helped with the loss I felt without You.  I proudly wore Your collar, taking it off only once to have it cleaned.  And feeling so naked with out it. 


       Things between us seemed alright.  Communication in a relationship is vital, something I have always stressed.  This is especially important with long distance relationships.  I remember the day You spoke to me about being poly.  You wanted to take on another online sub, a good friend of mine.  I was a little shocked. Not because of being poly, necessarily.  But it was that Your mind seemed to be so determined and already made up.  I was a little hurt because I did not understand why.  You said it was for me.  When did I ask for another sub/slave in our relationship?  I remember saying to You: “You hardly have time for me, how will You be able to tend to two online bratty submissives?”  You said You could, that things would work out.  You even eagerly found a contract and wanted to edit it for me and for her.  I began to bond more with her, talking more and more to her.  She needed things from You, just as I did.  After a short time, she realized that things were not working out.  The communication in a relationship is important for her too.  She decided to step away, gracefully.  I respected that and I am still good friends with her.

  
       Thinking about it, I believe that is when things even changed more.  We used to talk online and on cam often, and that time was dwindling down to nothing.  I would never see You online to chat with.  When I did talk with You, I would get a few words or a few sentences out of You, and then nothing.  You would tell me that You stepped away from the computer. I also felt hurt that You never would tell me “Goodnight” like You used to.  I asked if it was too much for You to say “brb” or even “goodbye”.  I asked if You would at least start telling me goodnight when You went to bed, something I tried to do nightly.  You apologized and said that You would start doing that.

 
       Yes, for a little while You did, but that was short lived.  I felt like I was not important to You.  That talking with me was something You did not want to do.  I felt like when I was talking to You, I was BEGGING for Your attention.  I also felt guilty because I felt like I was nagging You, being too clingy, too possessive.  I shared how I felt with You, again.  You reminded me that I needed to continue doing the things that You asked me to and gave me more assignments.  I wrote You letters like You asked, and called You nightly at 10:30pm (or as closely as I could).  Even talking to You on the phone, I felt like things were changing.  I asked You to talk with me about how You felt, what You wanted, what You needed.  You never answered me.  I emailed You, and never got any replies.  I asked You on YIM and in text, either to get completely ignored or You would change the subject.  When I asked about the contract and if You still wanted one, You replied “I don’t know.”  This made me feel sad, confused, and frustrated.  You wanted one when we were going to be poly but not now?

  
       The last week, I have emailed You a couple of times.  I expressed the desperate need for us to talk about our relationship.  I got no reply, no call, no IMs, nothing.  Yesterday, I felt strong enough to give You an ultimatum.  If You did not contact me by that night, I would have to believe that things were over.  This was very hard for me to do.  And as the minutes ticked on and turned to hours without hearing from You… I slowly felt like I was dieing inside. My feelings and thoughts I had about how our relationship was not working was becoming a reality to me.  

 
       If You didn’t want this anymore, want me anymore… why didn’t You just tell me?  It would have saved me a lot of sadness, a lot of hours crying, wishing that things were better and wondering what I did that was so wrong to turn You away from me.  I think back to when I first met Your mom, and she warned me about You and relationships.  I remember rushing outside in tears, and You coming out to hold me.  You told me she was just talking, that the relationship she was referring to was not good from the start.  I told You I could not be hurt again.  You looked me in the eyes and told me You loved me and that You would never hurt me.  Well, why am I in such pain now over You?

  
       This has been one of the hardest things I have had to do in a very long time.  But I think that it is what You wanted.  I do not know for sure, because You DO NOT talk to me about things despite me literally begging You to.  I needed to know how things were in Your life.  I wanted to share everything with You.  I guess it was a one sided feeling though, a one sided love, a one sided relationship?  I feel like I have tried hard enough, and put my all into Us.  Without getting anything back from You, I had no choice.  I often wonder if You have another love.  Someone else that has been helplessly drawn in by Your words and promises.  I know how You can be, Mr. Silver Tongued Devil.  I do not blame her at all.  How could she not love You? I still do and probably always will love You.  I have just come to a point where I can not and will not settle for this without making changes.  


       Thank You for the time that You did give me.  I hope we will both grow from this experience.  I would still like to be Your friend because I do care for You, love You, and still want You in my life.  I do not know if that is something You want. Maybe I am asking and was asking too much from You.  I had no way of knowing though, because You never would tell me.

7/24/2009 11:26:43 AM
I finally decided after being on here for about 2 1/2 years to post some newer pics of me.  This is something I have been wanting to do, but have just been putting it off! *giggles*

7/10/2009 11:54:47 PM

Sometimes in life we come to crossroads... where we need to decide which road to take... which way to go.  This should not be taken lightly.  One must seriously think about things and what is best for everyone before taking the first step on the road they choose.


7/9/2009 9:06:03 PM
Broken (by Seether and Amy Lee)

I wanted you to know I love   the way you laugh 
I wanna hold you high and   steal your pain away 
I keep your photograph; 
 I know it serves me well 
I wanna hold you high and   steal your pain 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome 
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away 

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore 

The worst is over now and we can breathe again 
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away 
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight 
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open 

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome 

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open 

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome 

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away 

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome 

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone 

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore 


7/2/2009 5:27:13 PM
Ever feel so alone, abandoned, and almost "missing" even though you are surrounded by people?  That has been how I have felt lately, and I don't like it at all.  It makes me feel sad, unwanted, and completely deserted.  I have attempted to reach out, but have gotten no where.  I don't know what else to do. 

6/21/2009 8:26:21 PM

I wanted to wish all the men out there a Happy Father's Day! 


6/1/2009 12:27:42 PM

The Trip (Part 4)

Feeling the delicious aftermath of my explosion, my body trembled like it often did after an orgasm. Leaning back, with my head against the bus seat, I realized my hand was still in my panties and it was soaked. I smiled, thinking what Master would do right now if He caught me masturbating. I knew He loved watching just these types of "things". He was quite the voyeur and had told me that He loved to watch women explore their bodies. Slowly removing my hand, my fingers ran across my clit causing electrifying shocks of pleasure through my body. Just as I expected, my hand was glistening wet. Without thinking, I placed my fingers into my mouth. I let out a pleasurable moan as I sucked, licked, and tasted myself. I began to wonder what He would taste like. I longed to taste His soft lips, to explore His mouth with my tongue. I longed to venture over His whole body, taking in His scent, His taste as I run my lips and tongue over every inch of Him. My body ached at the thought to finally be able to pleasure Him by sucking His cock. I knew that this would pleasure me just as much. Often, I had orgasms due to pleasuring a man orally. I think it was a combination between knowing that the man was being pleased and meeting the great desires of my sexual oral fetish. With my mouth watering, I wondered what His cum would taste like? I wanted His cock in my mouth, throbbing and thrusting in and out of my moist mouth until His thick hot fluid burst into my mouth.

Taking my wet fingers out of my mouth, I hiked up my panties and pants as quietly as I could. A small giggle escaped my lips at the image of me, sitting in a bus seat, hiking up my pants filled my mind. Looking out the window at the darkness sprinkled with lights here and there from the towns and cities, I wondered where I was. My body tingled as I thought that I must be getting close to His town. I wanted to be there with Him with every part of my being. Eager to feel closer to Him, I closed my eyes to return to our "time" together. There I stood, completely naked. The light from the dim lamps and the flickering candles danced across my ivory flesh. My arms were still protectively crossed over my full breasts. My eyes were down caste, looking at the floor. I could see His shadow on the ground. He was standing still. I could hear His breathing, even and calm. Completely opposite of my own, which was fast, jagged, and labored. Looking at His shadow, I could still see the thick steel knife in His right hand. Suddenly, His shadow moved forward and I sensed Him very close to me. I could smell His wonderful scent. I could feel His warm breath upon my hair. "Are you alright, my sweet angel?" He asked in a soft caring voice. I quickly nodded. He grabbed my chin, and lifted my face up. I had no choice but to look into those deep brown eyes. "Answer me!" He commanded. "Y-y-yes Master. I am fine. Just a bit...nervous." I managed to say, just above a whisper. He smiled, and let out a short laugh. Squeezing my chin gently, He looked deep into my green eyes and said "There is no need to be nervous, my love. It is just you and Me." I forced a smile as I thought to myself, "That is why I am so nervous, Master....because it IS You. And You are the One I want to please, to make happy, and I want to make You proud." As if reading my thoughts, He ruffled my hair with His hand, smiled, and said "You make Me happy and proud, love. You just need to do as I wish, as I want." I quickly nodded and returned my gaze down to the ground.

Then I felt His strong hand encircling my right arm and pulling it away from my breasts. He did the same with the other. "There is no need to hide from me. You belong to me, right?" I quickly replied "Yes, Master." Still looking down, I saw His right hand with the knife securely in His grasp coming up towards my body. I tried so hard not to flinch, but was unsuccessful to say the least. Again, He let out a small laugh. My eyes widened and my body stiffened as the knife came closer to the soft flesh of my stomach. When it finally touched me, I let out a deep sigh of relief and excitement. He pressed the sharp blade against my fragile skin causing me to wince slightly. I loved pain, but the unknowing of what is to follow always caused some anxiety in me. All of a sudden, it seemed like the knife took on a life of its own. It glided gracefully over my stomach, applying more pressure and less pressure it just the right places. I saw red marks across my flesh; a sharp contrast against my white skin. The pleasurable feelings mixed with the pain that the knife caused was beginning to drive me crazy. Soon, the knife was down, dancing across my upper thighs and encircling my most private place. My legs were still parted, and I watched as the knife glided through the wetness that streaked down my thighs. Leaving a wet trail as it did, the knife continued to travel over my thighs, both the front and the back.

Coming out of my daze, I saw Him, down on His knees, looking into my eyes with complete love. I inhaled deeply, feeling the intensity of the moment. I looked over His naked body which was perfection in my eyes. I wanted to feel Him inside of me so badly. My thighs began to sting some, and I noticed that some of the knife marks were slightly bleeding. For some reason, this only added to my excitement. I felt the knife being pressed against the back of my thighs. I felt the pressure increase here and there and the sting of the blade as it scratched and slightly cut my flesh. Now, the knife glided over my ass. Again, He swatted me with the knife, but this time I did not make a sound. The adrenalin and endorphins running through my body were too powerful. I began to feel the "animal" in me wanting to escape, to take some control over the situation, but I held Her back. I was not sure if Master was ready to meet Her yet. My breathing had become very staggered now, and I could hear myself letting out little grunts here and there. He pressed the sharp blade hard against my right ass cheek and I let out a loud moan. "You like that, my angel?" He asked, already knowing the answer. I tried to answer, but nothing would come out. He took the knife and barely touching my flesh, went up and down my back. I shuttered and trembled.

I heard Him walk away, open the drawer, and heard the loud clunk of the knife being placed back into the drawer. After shutting the drawer, I heard Him walking towards me. I could see His shadow on the ground as He circled me 3 or 4 times. My head was swimming, but I still felt Her trying to come out to play. "Look at me now." He calmly requested. I lifted my head, my long curly cooper red hair damp with sweat and in my face. He walked in front of me, and softly brushed it out of my eyes. My naked chest was rising and falling quickly with each breath I took and my fast heart beat pounded in my head. He looked at me for several minutes. First His eyes stared deep into my eyes. Damn, I could get lost in those beautiful brown eyes forever. Then His eyes slowly began to lower. My instinct to raise my arms to cover myself kicked in as I began to bring my arms up. He quickly put a stop to this, gently taking hold of them and placing them down at my sides. "You are beautiful, my sweet angel. There really is no need to hide from Me; no need to be shy or embarrassed. I want and love all of You, inside and out." His voice was filled with such love there was no way I could not believe Him.

Lowering His gaze more, He was looking at my lower stomach and my pussy. I knew that I was very, very wet. I felt it all the way down my thighs and almost to my knees. He reached out a hand and slide a couple fingers over my left thigh. Lifting His fingers to His lips, He slowly placed them onto His lips. His tongue escaped His mouth and began licking His fingers. His eyes slowly closed, and then He put both of His fingers into His mouth. He let out a satisfying moan that caused the familiar ache between my legs to become much more noticeable. His eyes then snapped open, and His hand darted down towards my pussy. He then plunged one finger inside and began to explore. As He found my clit, I let out a cry and my head fell back. He then took two fingers and entered me, slowly at first. My mouth open, I could not help but let out moans and cries of sweet pleasure. He began to thrust harder and deeper, and teased my clit here and there as He did. I began to feel a swell of pressure deep inside. I began to beg for Him to stop. I started to feel out of control. I grabbed a hold of His arm and tried to push Him away. He quickly pushed my arm out of the way, and continued to "torture" me. My legs began to tremble uncontrollably and my moans became rhythmic. I had to practically force Her to stay at bay. "P-p-p-plllease Master! Stop! I feel like my legs are going to give out on me." He slowed some, and grabbed me by my hair. "You need a break, hmm?" He said in a sadistic tone. "Yes, Master. Please. I feel like I am going to lose control!"

Stopping suddenly, His hand still around my hair, He asked "Lose control? What do you mean, love? And what is so bad about losing control with Me?" Looking me over, He noticed how weak I had become and let go of my hair and took hold of both of my hands. He slowly and safely guided me towards the huge bed. Pulling the blankets back, He sat me down on the bed, and feeling a stinging pain over my ass and thighs quickly reminded of the knife marks and welts. He gently lifted my legs up onto the bed. In a dash, He was lying there next to me. I looked Him over. I took in His handsome face with His beautiful brown eyes, perfectly shaped nose, and His wonderful lips. My eyes traveled down to His chest, and I smiled as I saw His dragon tattoo. Looking down lower, I saw His large erect cock. Without realizing it, I was licking my lips. My thoughts were interrupted as I felt His hand under my chin, and He raised my face up to His. "My love, you do not have to worry about losing control with Me. I want you to feel like yourself with Me and be yourself with Me. If you do something that I disapprove of, I will let you know. And I expect the same from you." With a sly smile, He added, "Now that does not mean I may still not do it, or push your limits, but I will respect you. Understand?" "Yes, my love, my Master." I replied.

I then decided it was time to tell Him about what had happened to me once when I had lost control. I began to tell Him about a time with a previous Master that had left a strong memory etched forever in my mind. I had let Her out, became a little too aggressive while with the previous Master. I began to become a little "too dominate" according to Him, even though I felt like I was staying within my submissive boundaries. All I had done, after all was playfully straddled Him and held His arms down. He was a very muscular man, and I had no chance at all at actually taking any physical control over the situation. He grabbed a hold of me, flipped me over, and slapped me hard across the face and head two or three times. I think I had blacked out for a few minutes. Before I knew it, I was bound down naked, unable to move, and my bare ass was up in the air. Without much warning, He gruffly said "That was uncalled for, bitch. I run the show here. I am in control! Now, I want You to count each swat. I think 10 will due." He grabbed a hold of my hair and wrenched my head back and showed me a quick view of just what I was going to be "swatted" with. It was a huge metal paddle that was probably a inch or more thick. I began to squirm and twist in attempt to get away, but He just laughed. Giving up, I laid over the side of His bed, ready to take His punishment. The first whack was the worst. I felt it come down on my ass with such painful power I screamed and reared. "Now, now slut. You can scream, cry, beg and plead all you want, but I want to hear you counting, or we start all over again. Understand, whore?" Hot tears already swelling in my eyes, I nodded quickly and said, "One!" He laughed and said "Good girl!" Before I could even take in His words, another swat was delivered across my backside. Tasting blood, I realized I had bitten my tongue. I could feel the hot thick blood trickle out of my mouth, but could not wipe it away since my hands were bound. Through clenched teeth, I sneered "Two!"

Suddenly, my Master interrupted my story as He wiped away the tears from my eyes and cheeks. He kissed my cheeks, wrapped His arms around my shaking body, and then said, "My love, there is no need to continue. I see how this is hurting you. I am different. We are one. Yes, there are going to be times when I punish you. But it won't be over something like this. Alright?" He flashed one of His devilish smiles at me, and I nodded and smiled back. His arms felt so good around my body, and even felt better as He begun to caress over my back, my buttocks, and my thighs. Our eyes locked, He then again ventured between my legs. He placed His fingers inside of me and began to thrust them in and out. He continued to look at me, wanting to see my reaction. I began to moan softly, and rock my hips in motion with His thrusting. I felt myself becoming more wet as the throbbing ache increased. Without realizing it, I had reached down and begun to touch His cock. With a look of question in my eyes, He nodded and said in a low husky voice, "Yes, angel. You may." I encircled His throbbing member and began to stroke it up and down, slowly at first, but then began to quicken my speed. I tightened my grip around it, and heard Him moan with pleasure. I felt His cock become even harder, the veins sticking out. He continued to explore me, delving deep inside me and teasing my sensitive clit. I was now staring down at His cock, my mouth watering, and licking my lips. He let out a little laugh, thinking about my oral fetish. "Are you ready to taste that, my love?" Attempting to contain my excitement, I replied, "Yes! Yes, Master. Please?" He nodded and I got up to move, feeling His fingers glide out of me. I scooted down in between His legs, which He spread open for me. Taking a hold of it with one hand, I leaned over and began licking the tip of His cock. It tasted so good. I could feel and taste the precum that had already escaped. Encircling the top with my lips and tongue, I began to feel myself losing some control. I then took His cock into my mouth, feeling it hardened even more. He let out a long pleasurable sigh. I began sucking Him, slowly up and down. I plunged down as far as I could, proud of myself for having practically no gag reflex. I loved to feel cock against the back of my throat. I began to suck harder and faster and took one hand and began to play with His balls. The moans that came from Him only excited me more. I continued to suck, lick, kiss, and lightly nibble on His cock, thinking to myself that I could happily do this for hours. Feeling His excitement rise, I began a steady rhythm of sucking and continued to play with His balls. I would occasionally venture down and suck on His balls, taking them into my mouth. Then, returning my attention to His cock, I sucked more and more. I felt like I could not get enough of Him. I felt myself dripping, the wetness trickling down my thighs again. I felt like if He touched me anywhere, I would certainly cum. Hearing His breathing become shorter and faster, and His moans increase, I knew that He was close. I felt His cock become harder, and His body tensing. My eager mouth kept taking Him in and out, desperately wanting to get my reward. Finally, He let out a low moan and I felt the thick sweet fluid fill my mouth. Sighing, I took all of His sweet nectar in, swallowing it down. Lifting up a bit, I licked His shaft, balls, and anywhere else I could see the slightest bit of His cum. I wanted it all. I felt His arms gently grab me and ease me up towards Him. I laid my head across His chest, licking my lips. I heard the pounding of His heart as I lie across His chest. He ran His fingers through my hair, causing me to almost purr. Soon, my eyes became heavy, and I drifted off.

"Angel?? Wake up, love." My eyes fluttered open and I saw Him looking at me with a sly smile on His lips. "We dozed off." As my eyes focused a bit more, I saw Him lying on His side and He was still so hard. Seeing me looking at His cock, He smiled. "Want some more, love?" I grinned and nodded, "Yes, Master." I began to lower my head down to begin sucking on Him, but He stopped me by placing His hands on my upper arms. He then rolled over unto His back and pulled me over towards Him. He guided my face towards His, and kissed me deeply. "I want to be inside of you. I want to feel you. I want you to feel Me inside of you, love." He whispered into my ear. He then guided me on top of Him. I felt His hardness slip into my moist opening, and couldn't help but to let out a loud cry of pleasure. It had been months since I had been fucked, and He felt so good inside of me. He placed His hands on my hips and guided me as I rode Him. I moaned as I felt myself so close to cumming. I felt Her coming out, as I rode Him hard and even grabbed a hold of His thick dark hair at times. I felt myself right on the brink of cumming. "May I cum, Master?" I begged. He shook His head no. "Not until I say...not until you feel like you can't take it anymore." I continued to ride Him, and He reached up and began to play with my breasts. He pinched and twisted them. He took hold of my nipple rings and pulled on them. The swell of pleasure rose and I fought it back, knowing that I should not cum yet. He leaned up, causing His cock to dive deeper into me, and began to kiss, suck, nibble and bite my nipples and breasts. I grabbed at His chest, digging my nails into His flesh, as I rocked my hips against Him. "I...I...I need to cum, Master. Please?!?" I almost yelled at Him. Seeing my desperate need, He said, "Alright, love. You may cum for Me. Cum for your Master." Riding Him hard, feeling His hands all over my breasts, the swell increased to the ultimate level, and then in a burst of ecstasy, released as I moaned and screamed in complete pleasure. Trembling, I paused for a moment. He had other plans on His mind though. He continued to thrust His cock into me, pressing against my swollen and sensitive clit. "I want you to cum for me again."


6/1/2009 12:14:27 PM

The Trip Part 3

Quietly I returned to my dream, closing my eyes slowly. There He was standing tall in front of me. His beautiful face looking down on me with a sense of both satisfaction and pure anticipation that He could not hide. I felt a surge of happiness race through my whole body. I slowly slid my hands down His chest, feeling the small amount of soft dark hair on His upper chest. I couldn't help but twirl my fingers through it, a slight smile appearing on my moist pink lips. With forced patience, I glided down His lower chest and then His stomach. I could not help but notice as His body flinched slightly when I reached His lower stomach, and touched the rough top edges of His blue jeans. Running my long fingertips across the fabric, my green eyes lowered to my hands.

"Do you want to take them off, angel?" He asked in a low seductive voice, I instantly could tell why He once told me that His family and friends referred to Him as the "silver-tongued devil". With a voice like His, and His gorgeous deep brown eyes, I doubted seriously that any woman had the power to say "No" to Him. So far, I certainly could not refuse Him. Looking up at Him perhaps a little to quickly and eagerly, I stared into those eyes that I had grown to love as much as I loved Him. Looking a little too long, without blinking, I began to lose myself in His eyes. "Angel, Angel?" His velvet but stern voice echoed in my ears. Practically shaking my head to bring me back to reality, I softly spoke, "I am sorry, Master. Yes, I do wish to take them off." He smirked and asked "Take what off?" I began to feel my cheeks become hot and was sure they were a rosy pink. "Your jeans, Master. I wish to take off Your jeans." He nodded as His eyes burrowed into mine. I felt as if He was reading my mind, seeing my very soul. With shaking hands, I reached down to the button of His jeans and clumsily undid it. Taking a deep inhale of air, I felt a little more under control now. I pulled at each side of His jeans, and with the sound of the zipper sliding down, my excitement grew. I could feel the wetness increasing between my thighs, and the ache was growing.

Tugging down, the jeans were tight against His body. I could not help but stare at His hips, and the sensual area right above His manhood as I slowly pulled down His jeans. His underwear began to come with them, but He quickly grabbed them and kept them in place. It was obvious He wanted me to "suffer" through this and build my want, my very need for Him. Placing His hands on each side of my head, He began to caress me, gently pushing my copper red hair back away from my face. "Such a pretty thing." He sweetly said. I began to smile, but in a split second, His hands grabbed hold of my thick hair, and He pulled my head back hard. Forced to looked at His face, I saw the sternness in His eyes and His lips were tightly curled into a sneer. "Pretty, but too impatient. Is that right, angel?" He sternly asked. With caution, I nodded my head as much as I possibly could while His hands were wrapped around my hair. "Now get down on those knees, love." His voice still stern, but with a softer tone. He removed His hands from my hair, caressing my warm cheeks as He did. His fingers traced my lips. The desire for me to lick, suck, taste Him was unbearable as He parted my lips with His fingers. His pressed His index finger into my mouth, between my teeth and onto my tongue. I moaned as I finally tasted Him. I began to suck on His finger slowly. I felt a pleasurable twinge deep between my legs as my extreme sexual oral fetish was being met somewhat. Seeing me squirm slightly, a small laugh escaped Him. He removed His finger and then pressed His strong hands onto my shoulders and pushed down, reminding me to get onto my knees. With my eyes open wide and my complete attention upon Him, I began to lower my body. Slowly I positioned myself onto my knees, keeping my back straight as a board and my shoulders back. I felt the hard cool floor under my stocking covered knees and lower legs. My black silky skirt rose up even higher as I spread my legs slightly, exposing most of my thighs. As my thighs parted, I felt my juices flow, making my stockings feel wet and sticky against my flesh.

Reaching back up, I returned to removing His jeans. Carefully I pulled down His pants without taking His underwear with them. My green eyes widened and a small pleasurable moan escaped my mouth as I saw the outline of His hard cock under His underwear. It took everything in me not to reach out and rip His underwear down, grab hold of His large cock, and engulf it into my mouth. I realized I was licking my lips and felt my mouth becoming more moist with my saliva as my deep desire filled my mind. I was quickly brought back to reality as He loudly cleared His throat. Swallowing my saliva, I quickly nodded and returned to my task. His blue jeans now down to His calves, I looked down, and it dawned on me that His boots were still on. Gazing up at Him I softly asked, "May I remove Your boots, Master?" His eyes lowered to meet mine, a smile danced on His lips and His brown eyes sparkled. I could tell His mind was at work. "Yes you may." He simply said. My hands reached for His boots but suddenly I stopped as He spoke again "But first You must lick them." I looked up at Him to see if He was serious. Instantly, I could tell He was. I had done this before, for a previous Master, but it had been awhile. I placed my hands on either side of His boots, rose up onto all fours. His black boots were not dirty. First I began by kissing His boots with little pecks here and there, hoping this would please Him. Then I opened my mouth and began to lick. With a weird surprise, I found enjoyment in this. I felt a mixture of vulnerability and pride. I pictured myself in front of Him, my head bowed down to His boots and my ass up in the air as I performed my task. My moist soft tongue pressed against the hard roughness of His boots as I lapped them both.

After a few moments He spoke, "Alright, love. Take them off now." Raising up onto my knees, folded legs under my ass, I reached for His laces. I did not realize that my hands were shaking. I attempted to take the laces into my trembling fingers, but could not keep a solid grip on them. I inhaled deeply, scolding myself in my head. "Calm down, slut. You can do this simple thing for your Master!!" Attempting again, I grabbed the laces and untied them both. Then I loosened each one, making sure to give plenty of slack to comfortably remove each boot. With both hands, I encircled the first boot. He lifted His foot and I pulled off the boot with ease. Turning my attention to the second boot, I grabbed a hold of the boot as He lifted up His foot. I pulled at the in the exact manner as I did with the first. For some reason, the boot did not budge. Determination overcame me quickly as I tugged harder on the boot, this time the boot budging slightly. Now a feeling of pure stubbornness raced through my mind and I yanked hard on the boot. Suddenly, the boot flew off and I fell hard onto my back with my legs positioned uncomfortably to the side. I felt the wind knocked out of me, as I lied there looking up at Him with His boot cradled safely in my hands. He quickly bent over, grabbed my arms, and lifted me back up onto my knees. Taking the boot from my hands, He calmly said. "Good job. For your first time." Searching His eyes, I was not sure how to feel now.

Then He pointed down to His legs, causing me to push the unsure thoughts out of my head. I scooted closer to Him. Taking hold of the jeans, I pulled them all the way down. As He stepped out of them, all I could think about was removing the last article of clothing that hid something that I desperately wanted, desired, and needed. Raising up, I took hold of His underwear, pulling them down. As they lowered, His hard cock was exposed. I could not help but stare at it. My pulse began to race, and my breaths became quicker and labored. My face was just inches from His erection. Again, I felt my mouth water. My eyes wide and unmoving, I stripped His underwear off of Him. Standing still and straight, He did not make a sound. He knew how I needed Him, all of Him. The ache between my legs began to throb and I could not help but squirm slightly. To control myself, I placed my arms behind my back, holding my hands tightly together. To my surprise, He took a step back, the deep gaze of His eyes never leaving my body. He bent over, reached out and grabbed a hold of my brand new black shirt. His face, close to mine, was without emotion. Suddenly, He roughly yanked on my shirt. The ripping sound of the delicate fabric, and the clinking sounds of the buttons scattering across the hard floor echoed through my ears. Mouth agape, all I could do was stare at Him. My chest rose and fell quickly with each breath. My breasts felt hot and my pierced nipples tingled underneath my bra. He grabbed my arms from behind my back, and finished taking off my shirt with noticeable haste.

He gracefully stepped over to a desk. Keeping my head straight, I let my eyes follow His wonderful body. Facing away from me, I admired His ass. Tracing His body upwards, I saw His other tattoo. I heard a drawer slide open, and a sound I could not place. Before I could even blink, He was in front of me again. This time, He was grinning at me. I tried to force myself to be calm, to slow my breathing, but was unsuccessful. His hands behind Him, He bent over and gently kissed both of my cheeks, lingering a little after the second kiss. He whispered softly, "Are you ready?" My mind raced. Ready? Ready for what? Without waiting for me to answer, He brought His hands from behind His back. In His right hand, He held a thick shiny silver knife. He brought it to my neck and placed it lightly against my ivory flesh. It felt cold and sharp. He cautiously grazed down my neck and across the bulging tops of my breasts. I realized my breathing had ceased. With one smooth motion, He placed the knife between my breasts with the sharp edge of the knife against my bra. The ripping sound that followed caused me to jump a little. "Now, now, angel. No moving!" Suddenly still again, I inhaled deeply as He continued to cut my bra completely off. He then traced the knife between my tits and then over each one, using the tip of the knife delicately to tease my nipples. It was almost unbearable. I loved both knife play and breast play. The throbbing pulse between my legs became stronger. I let out a low soft moan as I felt like I would explode at any second. He continued to glide the knife across my skin, leaving light red marks in its path. I moaned louder, ever so careful not to move. His eyes never left mine, and He smiled at the obvious increase in my excitement. All of a sudden, I felt the throbbing turn into a climbing sensation. My moans had increased and I felt my sweet fluids trickling down my thighs and towards my knees. Just as I felt like I would cum, He stopped as quickly as He had started.

There on my knees, my sensitive breasts exposed and marked with red lines here and there, I felt completely helpless. Looking out of the corner of my eye, I saw Him standing there, naked, and watching me. I could still see the knife in His hand. He walked towards me and then circled around me slowly twice. He stopped behind my back. Feeling His warm breath upon my back, I realized He was leaning over towards me. Roughly, He took a hold of my sides. "Stand up now." He ordered. Quickly, I scrambled to my feet. He remained standing behind me. It felt like many moments had passed. I gasped as His body pressed against mine. I could feel His hardness against my upper buttocks and hear that His own breathing had increased. Then I felt it; the thick knife gliding down the back of my skirt. He ruthlessly began to cut away at the skirt. It cascaded to the ground, destroyed. He then placed the knife inside my stockings and the smooth sound of the knife making its way through the thin fabric followed. He was determine to strip me using the knife, cutting away at everything that covered my body. Shaking, I stood there just in my panties. My arms were protectively crossed over my breasts. My eyes began to sting, and I fought hard to keep the tears from escaping. I felt His hands upon my hips, His fingers playing with the top edge of my panties. "Cute panties. Very cute." He cooed at me. Knowing what was coming, I inhaled slowly as a felt the cool steel against my left hip. The knife had no difficulty searing through the delicate fabric of my pink panties. With the left side of my panties ripped and dangling, He went to the right side and repeated the action. They fell slightly, but were held up by my tightly clenched thighs. Pain seared through my right ass cheek as He hit me with the handle of the knife. Not expecting this, I let out a small yelp. "Spread your legs. Don't be scared now." I heard Him calmly tell me as He stood behind me. I quickly obeyed and opened up my thighs and watched my pretty pink panties fall to the hard wooden floor. Closing my legs again, the realization that I was standing there completely naked and exposed overcame me. My face began to feel hot, and the hot tingling feeling raced down my neck, shoulders, arms, and chest. As it went over my stomach, I felt a heaviness in my stomach. This was the part I had dreaded. Being stripped and standing naked in front of Him, not able to hide anything. I felt ashamed, insecure, and the need to run and grab something to cover myself. With much mental strength, I fought back these feelings, especially feeling like I needed to run. I knew that would be a big mistake, and making a mistake that could upset Him was the very last thing I wanted to do.

The strong feelings of insecurity, shyness, vulnerability, and fear brought me out of my dream. The bus was completely dark and the sounds of snoring could be heard. I noticed that I was breathing fast and my heart felt as if it was going to burst through my chest. I felt a damp sweat over my body. My hands had found their way back into my panties and I was shocked by how wet I was. My whole body ached with desire for Him. I continued to play with myself, knowing that no one could see me. I fought back my natural noises of pleasure, not wanting to wake anyone. Leaning back in the bus chair, I adjusted my pants and panties for better access. I then plunged 2 fingers into my wet opening, quickly finding that special spot. Using my thumb, I caressed my clit. He had guided me to do this very thing many times when we played on cam, although I usually used my toy also, which was securely packed away. Rearing my head back, I closed my eyes as I continued to pleasure myself. The increasing pressure was building quickly. I exhaled hard as I felt my juices gush over my fingers. My whole body shuddered with intense pleasure as my thoughts returned back to my love, my Master.


6/1/2009 12:09:11 PM

The Trip Part 2

Allowing to let my mind wander more, I began to think of time spent with Him. Time on the computer, over the web cam, and on the phone. I smiled as I thought of the things He had me do, new things, things I would not normally do just for anyone. He definitely had a certain "power" over me. That "power" added to my desire, want, and need to satisfy and make Him happy made it close to impossible to say "No" to Him. With His requests, I had done some new and exciting kinky things for Him. But still, I had not been able to do all of His requests due to my shyness and insecurities. This did upset and saddened me, due to feeling inadequate as a submissive.

Shifting in my seat, I realized I was quite wet. Thinking about Him and the things we had done always seemed to do this to me. Quickly, my green eyes darted around looking at the other passengers, and feeling a little "dirty". A let out a sigh of relief seeing that most were either sleeping, or involved in something else. Outside, the sky had become a dark blue-gray as the sun began to drift out of site. The corner of the sky was beautiful with the colors of pinkish blue and yellow from the setting sun. I wondered if He was also looking at the sky as well.

Thinking about Him again, I felt a dull ache between my legs. The moistness had increased, and the extreme desire to touch myself was hard to ignore. I looked around, checking to see if anyone was looking. Feeling safe, I slowly lowered my right hand, parted my legs slightly, and slid my hand between my legs and against my jeans. Feeling the wetness through my jeans surprised me, and a small grin formed on my lips. I didn't realize I was that excited, that turned on. I began to press my hand against my jeans, against my pussy. I slowly rubbed myself, feeling the ache increase.

Closing my eyes, His face appeared in my mind. Slowly, I imagined Him, standing before me. I was there, on my knees. He motioned to me to stand, and calmly stated "Undress me." Standing in front of Him, my green eyes locked with His brown eyes, I reached up quickly towards the buttons of His shirt. With lightening speed, His arm moved and His hand wrapped tightly around my wrist. "Slowly! There is no need to rush, now is there?" He asked me. My eyes wide, I shook my head and responded "No, Master. I am sorry, I am just so excited. I will slow down." A sly smile appeared on His face as He let me go. Again, I reached up towards His chest, but this time slower, and with much more thought about what I was doing. I traced the buttons on His shirt, one by one. Feeling Him relax under my touch, I knew that He approved.

Returning to the top of His shirt, I slowly undid the top button, then the next. Exposing His skin, I felt myself becoming more excited. Reminding myself to stay calm and slow, I continued to unbutton His shirt. As His shirt became looser on Him, I could just barely see the tattoo on His upper chest. Undoing the last button, I slowly reached up to His shoulders with both hands and pushed the shirt off of them and down His arms. He stood there, watching me. His shirt fell to the ground. Gazing at His tattoo, before I even realized it, my fingertips were tracing the tattoo. Tracing the outline of the tattoo that adorned His skin, feeling the smoothness of His skin, I was lost in the moment.

"I don't want to, Daddy!!" Hearing this both scared me and confused me, bringing me out of my dream. Looking down, I realized I had unbuttoned my jeans, and my hand was down my jeans, inside my panties. My fingers had been exploring. I looked up quickly as I took my hand out, my fingers wet with my own juices. Pulling my shirt over my undone pants, I looked around. It was dark outside, and inside the bus was pretty dark. The only light was the dull floor lights, and a few of the reading lights that were clicked on for some of the passengers.

Then, I saw her. The little golden-blond haired girl that I noticed earlier. She was sitting on her father's lap. From what I could see from her profile, her pout had doubled in size. Her mother was fast asleep. The father had his hands around her, and was whispering something into her ears that obviously made her upset. My curious mind wanted to know why she looked so upset and what it was he wanted her to do. I tried to push away the bad negative things that raced through my mind. I didn't want to think those things. Still looking at them, I saw the father smile as he tickled her sides. Giving up quickly she began to giggle, slightly at first, then uncontrollably. Shushing her and still smiling, the father placed her in her seat and handed her a pillow and a small blanket. I heard him as he lovingly said, "Now Olivia, listen to daddy. Its getting late, and we have a long way to go still. I want you to get some sleep, just like mommy. Alright?" She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and smiled. "Okay daddy! I'll try." A sigh escaped me, as my mind relaxed a little.


6/1/2009 12:07:43 PM

The Trip 1

The loud rumble of the bus starting filled my ears and a sudden vibe of excitement surged through me. I was actually going through with this, bravely taking the step to finally go meet Him. My heart skipped a beat as the large bus lurched forward. Looking around, I took in the other passengers. An old woman with thin lips pursed and eyes filled with concentration, crocheted with dark purple yarn what appeared to be a blanket; perhaps a baby blanket for her new grandchild?

Turning my curious eyes slightly left, I saw a middle aged couple with a young child of possibly 6 years old. Golden ringlets fell over her shoulders, and her large cornflower blue eyes were wet with tears that threatened to fall down her rosy cheeks and pass her full pouting lips. Her arms were crossed at her chest. Looking at the parents, one on either side of her, I noticed they were not looking at the child or even each other. Scenarios filled my mind. What happened? Were the parents too strict, not letting her be a little girl? Or did she throw a fit? Act like a brat? A small grin formed on my lips as I thought of what a brat I could be at times. I quickly looked away, not wanting her to see my grin and take it the wrong way.

Looking up a ways, at the seats that faced each other, I saw a young couple. Holding hands, fingers intertwined and her long bare leg stretched over his lap. He was running his fingers up and down her leg. Their eyes were locked, looking deeply into each others' souls. Looks of complete satisfaction were on their faces. I could tell they completed each other. Not able to look any longer, I quickly stared down at my lap, seeing my own fingers intertwined with themselves. My mind lingered onto thoughts of my life. How long has it been since I have felt that strongly about someone? Actually been able to look someone in the eyes and feel like I was where I belonged? I smiled as I thought about Him. I realized I felt that way about Him. I just needed to be with Him, know that He really felt the way He said He did. I needed to feel His flesh, run my hands through His thick brown hair, look into His beautiful brown eyes. I longed to feel His strong secure arms wrap around me and make me feel whole, needed, loved, completed. Gazing out the window, I watched as the tall Oregon mountains slowly moved, the green grass sway in the wind, the new colorful flowers of spring dance to the secret tune of the Earth. I saw the slight reflection of myself in the window. Would He like what He saw as I stood for the first time in front of Him. Damn it! I hated feeling so insecure. Why couldn't I believe in myself? Love myself completely? Accept that I am who I am, and if someone didn't like me then fuck them! I felt those way at times, when I was filled with bravery, confidence, and security. My shyness and insecurity has always been something that can slyly sneak up on me without warning. This was worse when I was a child, and knowing what I had been through as a little girl I could understand why I was the way I was today. I knew deep down that once I met Him, and saw that He approved that things would fall into place. I would surrender myself to Him. My body, soul, and heart would become His. I was not willing to give Him my mind. I have always been strong willed and would never be a door mat. I would do as He asks, what He wants, what pleases Him. I would do this because His happiness is my happiness. When I know He is happy, satisfied, I am too happy and satisfied.


5/25/2009 2:22:53 AM

"If I were to die and I could come back as anything, I would want to come back as one of Your tears.  What girl wouldn't want to be conceived in Your heart, born in Your eyes, live on Your cheek, and die on Your lips?"


5/15/2009 1:35:51 PM
               ~Master~

I lie here, Your willing submissive, awaiting Your touch.
I try to speak - You smile at me and tell me to hush.
You produce a silken sash, and with it, You cover my eyes.
Your hands move like an artist's across my body.
I feel Your lips grace mine - tasting and touching.
I feel Your breath against me, hot and wet.
I reach out a hand, but You say "No, lie still, My pet."
You reach my center and begin kissing softly;
Your tongue like a tiny whip, each motion a senusual lash.
I arch my back and present myself to You.
I am needing You....wanting to feel You.
Your movements quicken, and I feel my body responing.
As I reach the height of my pleasure, You remove the sash.
You gaze deeply into my eyes and flash me a brilliant smile as You watch me.
Afterwards, You kiss me tenderly and I am elated.
There is but one word that crosses my trembling lips....
"Master"    

4/30/2009 6:51:13 AM

My Butterfly, I'm happy when you're with me.
You're everything I see.
And everything I need.
These broken wings, will guide our love through the sky.

And take us aways from these nightmares.


And these broken wings, they make you taste so sweet. Candy canes and kisses when I fall asleep.  Rainbows and wishes, you take me away.
To another place, so far away.

So far away.
SO FAR AWAY!!!

My Butterfly, I'm happy when you're with me.
You're everything I see, and everything I need.
These broken wings, will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares.

And these broken wings, they make you taste so sweet.  Candy canes and kisses when I fall asleep.  Rainbow and wishes, you take me away.
To another place, so far away.

So far away.
SO FAR AWAY!!!

My Butterfly, I'm happy when you're with me.
You're everything I see, and everything I need.
These broken wings, will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares.

I'm in candyland.
I'm in candyland.
I'm in candyland.
I'm in candyland.
SO DON'T SAVE ME!
SO DON'T SAVE ME!
SO DON'T SAVE ME!
SO DON'T SAVE ME!

My Butterfly, I'm happy when you're with me.
You're everything I see, and everything I need.
These broken wings will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares.

My Butterfly, I'm happy when you're with me.
You're everything I see, and everything I need.
These broken wings will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares.

KANDYLAND BY BrokNCYDE

 

 

 




 


4/25/2009 11:19:19 AM
Artist:      Emilie Autumn
Album:     Opheliac
Title:     Misery Loves Company

It's not the time....
It's not the place....
I'm just another pretty face!
So don't come any closer!
You're not the first....
You're not the last!
How many more?
Don't even ask!
You're one more dead composer.

Do I need you?
Yes and no!
Do I want you?
Maybe so!
You're getting warm....
You're getting warm....
You're getting warmer....
Did you plan this all along?
Did you care if it was wrong?
Who's getting warmer now
That I'm gone?

Misery loves company,
And company loves more.
More loves everybody else,
But hell is others!

I'm not for you!
You're not for me!
I'll kill you first,
You wait and see!
You devil undercover!
You're not a prince!
You're not a friend!
You're just a child!
And in the end,
You're one more selfish lover!

Do I need you?
Yes and no!
Do I want you?
Maybe so!
You're getting warm....
You're getting warm....
You're getting warmer....
Did you plan this all along?
Did you care if it was wrong?
Who's getting warmer now,
That I'm gone?

Misery loves company!
And company loves more.
More loves everybody else,
But hell is others!

You're so easy to read!
But the book is boring me!
You're so easy to read!
But the book is boring me!
You're so easy to read!
But the book is boring!
Boring, boring, boring, boring!
Boring, boring me!

Pray for me,
If you want to!
Pray for me,
If you care!
Pray for me,
If you want to!
Pray for me,
If you dare!
Pray for me,
If you want to!
Pray for me,
If you care!
Pray for me,
If you want to!
Pray for me you fucker,
If you fucking dare!!

Misery loves company,
And company loves more!
More loves everybody else,
But hell is others!!

4/25/2009 11:09:04 AM
Misery Loves Its Company Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Listen close as the rain falls down to the ground

It's true, we are
we are destined to fail

There is a problem here with our society
The absence of my tears is my sobriety
I have a growing fear and you're not helping me
Am I the only one who realizes it's true?

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand,
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

You're persecuting me, showing hypocrisy
I have a remedy for your insecurity
It's all the same, sadly
Nobody works for free
Am I the only one who realizes it's true

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand,
lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

When I dream, I see dawn turn into dusk, into dusk

Beat but I'm not broken
Guide me through with your hand,
Lead with your words spoken
Show me how to listen

Let your light shine through me
Take this hate I can release
Help me make the blind see
Misery loves its company

It's true, we are
we are destined to fail 

4/21/2009 8:32:52 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70AgyIEnBRE

**Halo By Beyonce**
Dedicated to someone very special to me.


Remember those walls I built

Well baby they tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight


They didn't even make a sound


I found a way to let you in


But I never really had a doubt


Standing in the light of your halo,
I got my angel now
 
It's like I've been awakened


Every rule I had you breaking


It's the risk that I'm taking


I ain't never gonna shut you out


Everywhere I'm looking now


I'm surrounded by your embrace


Baby I can see your halo


You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more


It's written all over your face


Baby I can feel your halo


Pray it won't fade away


I can't feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun


Burning through my darkest night


You're the only one that I want


Think I'm addicted to your light


I swore I'd never fall again


But this don't even feel like falling


Gravity can't begin


To pull me back to the ground again


Feels like I've been awakened


Every rule I had you breaking


The risk that I'm taking


I'm never gonna shut you out


Everywhere I'm looking now


I'm surrounded by your embrace


Baby I can see your halo


You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more


It's written all over your face


Baby I can feel your halo


Pray it won't fade away


 
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halooooo
Halooooo

Everywhere I'm looking now


I'm surrounded by your embrace


Baby I can see your halo


You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more


It's written all over your face


Baby I can feel your halo


Pray it won't fade away


I can feel your halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

4/17/2009 5:32:27 PM

As we all know, life is filled with changes... twists and turns that take us this way and that.  And, sometimes... we don't have the choice to where the path will take us.  The uncertainty of what is around the turn, what is going to happen tomorrow is enough to drive someone crazy.... make them want to run.... crawl under a rock and not come out for a while.  This is when close caring friends are needed more than ever.  I want to thank all of my good friends for being there for me... and a special thank You to a very special friend of mine....  Without You, I would be lost.... hiding under the rock.... a long lost run away.


4/16/2009 4:43:56 PM
Breathe lyrics by Taylor Swift

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
But people are people and sometimes we change our minds
But its killin me to see you go after all this time
Mhmmm mhmmm

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It’s the kind of ending you don’t really wanna see
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down
Now I don’t know what to be without you around

And we know it’s never simple never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can’t breathe without you but I have to
Breathe, without you but I have to

Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I’ve tried to swerve
But people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out
Nothing we say now is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it’s never simple never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can’t breathe without you but I have to
Breathe, without you but I have to

It’s 2 am
Feelin like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it’s not easy, easy for me
Its 2 am
Feelin like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this aint easy, easy for me

And we know it’s never simple never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
Oh I can’t breathe without you but I have to
Breathe, without you but I have to
Oh I can’t breathe without you but I have to
Breathe, without you but I have to


I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry


4/6/2009 6:03:34 AM
Running as fast as her legs would let her.  Her bare feet pounding on the hardened earth and through the moist grass.  Her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would burst through her bones and flesh at any moment.  Her breathing, so rapid, and with each inhale of the cold night air came the burning sensation in her lungs.  Small beads of sweat trickled down her forehead, the sides of her cheeks, and into her soft green eyes.  She quickly wiped her eyes, the sweat intermixed with her hot tears.  The pain searing through her was almost unbearable, but she knew that she dare not slow down, dare not stop for even a moment.  Her fluttering white feathered wings were causing enough delay, especially the broken one. Her wings catching the wind as she ran, causing the annoying resistance.  She felt clumsy and aloof.  She wanted to fly, to soar through the air and up into the soft clouds, where she belonged.  Tears began to flood her eyes, and she quickly brushed them away.  Keeping her speed steady, looking ahead for anything that could get in her way, slow her down.  The bright moon beamed down on her, brightening her beautiful white wings and flowing gown, but also pointing out the dirt smudges upon her gown and over the ivory skin of her freckled face, her hands, and her feet.  Her long copper hair, tangled and wild, danced in the wind as she ran.  Suddenly, she heard Him.  A low rumbling growl and the loud thumping of His feet.  Her head whipped around to look behind her.  But she could see nothing.  As she entered the forest, she felt a little more safe.  The familiar trees, large boulders, and flowing river gave her some hope that she could find a place to hide.  She let out a gasp as a movement to the side of her caught her eye. Letting out a deep warm breath, she realized it was just her shadow.  She slowed to a quick walk.  Looking around, she saw the shadows of the trees dancing on the ground, their branches waving in the night wind. A small smile formed on her lips.  She loved nature, was fascinated by Earth's beauty.  Walking up to the river, she knelt down, placed her cupped hands in the water, and lifted her water-filled hands to her injured bloody wing.  Dripping the water upon it caused a quick sting, but was soon replaced by a mild relief.  She knelt down and repeated this several times.  Looking to her side, she smiled again as she saw her "twin" doing the same.  She was amazed how things worked her on Earth, such as the ability of the full moon's bright light to cause shadows.  Soon, after a few minutes of wetting and cleansing her injured wing, the blood was practically gone.  She could see the wound, a deep gash, and then a slash along the inside of the wing which had caused some of her soft feathers to be seared in half.  She let out a deep sigh of sorrow, not knowing what she would do now.  Brushing her long golden red hair behind each ear, tears began to fall from her green eyes.  Her salty tears plopped gently into the river, causing small ripples to form.  Lost in a trance she did not see the large form coming closer to her.  Suddenly, she heard the loud slobbering breathing, wet with saliva, and the low growls that seemed to echo through the forest now.  She quickly looked up and saw Him!  He was no more than 10 feet away, the closest He had gotten to her since her escape.  She began to run, her feet splashing in the river.  She heard Him grunt loudly and begin to run after her, with the loud thumping of His large feet.  Leaving the river, she sprinted between the tall trees, jumped over the small bushes. Wishing now more than ever she could fly again.  The sharp pain returned to her wing, and she winced and let out a loud cry.  Even her cries of pain sounded beautiful. She could tell that her pain was slowing her down, and she was beginning to tire.  Her leg muscles burned from running.  The thumping sounds of His feet and His grunting became louder closer.  She inhaled deeply, holding her breath, and looking to the side saw her shadow running along side her, trying so hard to escape just as she was.  "Can't anyone save me?" She thought in her mind.  She gasped as she saw a large tall shadow running right behind hers. The shape of the shadow was not His. She glanced back slightly, her long hair whipping in the wind, and  saw nobody.  Returning her gaze to the ground next to her, all she saw was her own shadow.  The Other was gone.  She was suddenly brought back to reality as the very loud grunting sound shook her very being. She thought about whether to turn around or not.  Then she began to feel the hot wet breath upon her.  She saw His huge shadow and it was right behind hers.  A sense of complete doom overcame her.  She began screaming, hot tears streaking down her cheeks.  His foul smelling breath upon her, she could only think of the horrible things He would do to her once He got his large sharp clawed hands upon her.  Closing her eyes tightly, she ran with all her might, but it was no use.  She could still feel Him right behind her. "Someone.... p-p-please... save.. meeeee!!" she barely yelled, gasping between words.  Suddenly, she was engulfed in soft darkness!  Her eyes wide open, yet she could not see anything.  All she felt was softness around her.  Her breathing began to slow, along with her heart.  A slow warm feeling of serenity and complete safeness began to move over her body.  After several minutes, there was light.  Light from the full moon above. She looked around quickly, but saw nothing.  Nothing of Him, and nothing of her savior.  Then she gazed down. She saw her familiar shadow, and her eyes traced the ground.  Her eyes came upon another shadow, large and tall like the one she had seen earlier.  Quickly looking up, she saw him.  She inhaled quickly, not sure if she should be afraid or not.  He had the looks of a human man, and his face was quite handsome.  His eyes were absolutely beautiful. A deep brown, and so caring.  A smile stretched across his face.  She suddenly looked away, blushing.  She had been staring at him too long.  Finally he spoke to her, "My sweet angel.  I have been sent here to look after you.  I am the Master of Shadows.  I am your protector." She looked towards the wet grass.  Used to being the one who looked after others, she did not know what to think.  With her injured wing she had become vunerable and helpless.  Bringing her eyes up to meet his, she began to become lost in them.  He opened his arms, his cape cascading around his whole being. Slowly, she began to walk forward and entered his embrace.  Feelings of complete safety, serenity, belonging, and love overcame her as she wept.  But this time, the tears were tears of happiness.  She was where she was meant to be. She was home.

3/28/2009 11:38:41 AM

It *IS* possible to find your match on-line.  Someone that can fill the emptiness when you feel incomplete.  Someone that you take time to think about even though your day is so hectic and busy with other things.  Someone that brings a smile to your face even when you are feeling at your worse.  Someone that you can trust with your most deepest desires and secrets.


3/24/2009 11:01:19 AM

Vacationing in Newport for the next few days.  It is so pretty here!! The wilderness surrounding me, and then the beach so close.  I am in heaven!!  Wonder what it would be like to actually live here?!


3/19/2009 6:34:24 AM
**Choke Hold** 

Darkness and silence surround me.
Except the constant quickened loud thump thump of my own heart sounding in my ears, and my staggered breathing.
Breath in and out, in and out. Thump, thump, thump... Never felt so good to hear that sound and feel the cool air in my lungs.
My mind is racing with thoughts: Questions of what happened!? What now?
Then my memory begins to seep back.
Lying in Your strong arms...
At Your mercy, helpless, stripped of more than just the clothing from my body. Your words spoken to me earlier begin to echo through my head. Kind words... "My sweet angel...." followed by sweet caresses from Your hands that I yearn to always feel upon my body.
Your touch always causing my very being to become more alive, electrified. Then the sudden change! Your deep eyes, always the first to show The Change.
I have learned to read You better, always the alert student eager to be taught, molded, and be the best I can for You.
Your hands that were just softly caressing my breasts became alive, strong, lightening fast....
As they quickly raised and encircled my delicate neck.
My green eyes widened and a quick small gasp escaped my soft lips.
Without a chance to take in that precious inhalation of sacred air, Your hands tightened around my neck.
I tense, sounds escaping me.
Your excitement begins to swell as I squirm, feeling Your fingers wrapped around my neck.
Your eyes, becoming darker, never leave mine.
And I know not to dare look away.
Pushing me down upon the soft bed, straddling over my helpless body....
Your grip becomes more snug, Your fingers finding their familiar place they so much love to be.
I am filled with conflicting emotions.
Excitement, fear but also a trust in You.
Feeling ironically secure, even as my world around me begins to become blurry.
I unsuccessfully try to just get a little bit of precious air into my body.
My eyes begin to tear, gazing into Yours, begging for life.
Your eyes, drilling into mine, seeking my soul, show no signs of mercy.
I begin to thrash about... my arms raising, balled-up fists hitting against You... the fierce animal that I hide so well escaping.
A feeble attempt against Your immense strength and the power You hold over me.
A small smile spreads across Your lips.... a smile of satisfaction as You watch me, feel me, fighting against You.
Slowly, what seems like ages, the world around me begins to fade.
The familiar, leaving me.
Your handsome face... a tear-streaked blur through my eyes,
Fading.... fading... until there is nothing.
Nothing but darkness.

3/11/2009 5:27:41 PM

Hello all... Hope everyone is doing well. *smiles*  Wishing SPRING would actually get here!??!?

Life can be confusing and frustrating at times.  Someone who you thought was  your friend, thought that you could confide in, trust, do things with, and then to have those "expectations" proven wrong can be pretty upsetting.  Some people expect others to be perfect, or at least perfect in their minds, and that is an impossible thing to strive for, an impossible thing to be.  I strongly believe that there is no such thing as perfection or what society deems as normal.   If someone can prove me wrong, PLEASE do!  One can always work towards being the best that they can be, but there is someone out there that will find fault in them.  It is important to remember that you have tried your best, or done your best...and to be happy with that. 
I know that I have screwed up in my life.  I know that I have made mistakes!  But, what is important is that I try my best to correct them and learn from them the best that *I* can.  And I know in my heart, that my true friends will be there for me, at my side with understanding and forgiving hearts.  Hate is an emotion that will eat at you... destroy you... Its a waste of time and energy.  I do NOT allow myself to hate another and have taught my children the same.  I also need to know when it is time to let go, to "give up" on someone who is not accepting of who I am, or is not willing to allow me to correct my mistakes.  This is a VERY hard thing for me to do... especially when it is someone I care for.  The impact of losing a friend can be that dull sad ache that you feel in your chest that you feel will NEVER go away... as your heart is mourning, to complete sadness, anger, guilt, regret, a great need to make things all better (even if you know deep down, you will never be able to) and many other feelings. But saying "goodbye" may be the best thing, and a new start on either side. Sorry for the babbling... gotta vent sometimes. Please refer to my entry on LESSONS LEARNED.. *giggles*


2/21/2009 1:21:29 PM
**Maroon5 She Will Be Loved**




Beauty queen of only eighteen...


She had some trouble with herself.


He was always there to help her.


She always belonged to someone else.


I drove for miles and miles,
And wound up at your door.


I've had you so many times but somehow,
I want more.

I don't mind spending everyday...


Out on your corner in the pouring rain.


Look for the girl with the broken smile....


Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

Tap on my window, knock on my door.


I want to make you feel beautiful.


I know I tend to get so insecure.


It doesn't matter anymore.


It's not always rainbows and butterflies....


It's compromise that moves us along, yeah!


My heart is full, and my door's always open.



You come anytime you want, yeah!

I don't mind spending everyday....


Out on your corner in the pouring rain.


Look for the girl with the broken smile.'


Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....


I know where you hide, alone in your car.


Know all of the things that make you who you are.


I know that goodbye means nothing at all....

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

Tap on my window, knock on my door.


I want to make you feel beautiful.

I don't mind spending every day....


Out on your corner in the pouring rain.


Look for the girl with the broken smile....


Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.


And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

And she will be loved....

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.


Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.


I don't mind spending everyday....


Out on your corner in the pouring rain.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

2/15/2009 2:47:00 AM
"I do not want to be the leader.  I refuse to be the leader.  I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness.  I want a man lying over me, always over me.  His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.  I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated.  I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
**Anais Nin**

2/12/2009 7:50:11 PM
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.  It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.  It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
Anais Nin

2/10/2009 5:54:41 PM
**Figured You Out By Nickelback**

I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

Ooooh
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self respect
While you're passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I love your pants around your feet
And I love the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

1/31/2009 10:51:35 AM
Wow... its been awhile since I have posted on here.  My life is continuing on pretty much the same path.  Work, come home, cook dinner, computer, reading, music, computer (for those that know me, know I enjoy the video chatroom).  Unfortunately, due to our schedules, I haven't been able to visit my potential Dom, or really talk much with Him. I want our relationship to grow, but without regular communication that will be difficult.  I miss Him.  The way He talks to me. The way He makes me feel.  Hearing or reading His words....sitting here is awe at times realizing how intelligent He is.  Of course, I can be a brat and sometimes don't agree with all He says, but still.  The distance is difficult...only 2 hours away, but it seems like a country away at times.  I desire to be with Him, feeling so safe and protected when I lie there in His arms, feeling His hands upon my flesh,  feeling His power when I am kneeling before Him, feeling excitingly helpless as He does the things He enjoys to me.  I want to be the best I can for Him and I hope He realizes this.  

12/21/2008 5:56:29 PM
***Blue October's Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek***

I try to stay on top of you to hold your body down.

Your shaking seems to hinder every grasp that I have found.

Moving every inch around me to defuse your private bomb.

I stretch myself surrounding and protecting you from harm.

I use a wallet for your mouth, so when you bite you will not bleed.

I drilled a wire through my cheek and let it down and out my sleeve.

And as your pulling out the best of me,yeah, which never ever comes.

This wires all thats left of me, and its hooked within my gums...
within my gums...

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

Its proof to show that I bleed for this, and I've cut myself the shame.

But to get to know this masochist who has stolen my first name.

Pretending he's a teacher, holding all my weight at ease.

Yet the teacher seems to split in two, destroying both his knees.

Now crawling, I position myself below your broken wing.

I lift your feathered left arm where you hide your heart for me.

I never noticed it was swollen, with the touch of brutal pain.

I never knew a heart could live inside the rust from all your rain...
all your rain...

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

I didn't think to bring a wash cloth and rub away the dirt.

Myself and I we share this barely beating heart of hurt.

And when the hurt comes there's an argument, a fight to save a smile.

A small attack on human tears, to dry them for a while.

A dream we all should count on, yeah a vision I believe.

Where confidence is found attached to wires on our sleeve.

Where loneliness is history...
Told to pack your shit and leave.

Where guidance is a fortune...
Told to help in time of need.

And where crying emits secrets.

Its the art of how we grieve.

And lessons are the key to every goal I will achieve!

I will achieve!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

So drill it, so drill it!

So hard!

Feel it!

12/11/2008 10:46:23 PM
OK PEOPLE!
Pllleeeease, quit emailing me asking me things like "I thought you were collared? And now your profile says nothing about it? What happened?" For one if I don't know you, its really NONE of your business.  Also, its not the best time for me right now, and I don't need to be reminded over and over again.  To the sincere ones, and the people I know, thanks for your support and caring words. It means a lot to me.  

12/9/2008 10:55:15 AM

12/9/2008:LESSONS WELL LEARNED!!


I strongly believe that one never stops learning.  Life is packed full of lessons; some positive and some negative.  I recently learned a few lessons that I will not forget.
1. Don't always believe what someone tells you, no matter how BADLY your mind or heart wants to hear and believe it. Remind yourself to think logically and question things that seem suspicious.
2. Don't rush into things. Even though they seem or feel "good", "right", or "exactly what you are wanting/looking for", take your time. It will be worth it in the long run.  Worth hopefully avoiding any problems, tears, and heartbreak.
If something is right, it is worth waiting for and will be there "waiting for you" down the road.
3. Guard your heart like its the most valuable object on this planet.  This is especially vital if you have been hurt before.  I have found the more hurt I get, the harder it is for me to let someone in, to feel, to love, and to heal.  The fragile heart can only take so much damage.
4. Remember that you are someone special, no matter what someone else says. And deep down if you know you did your best, or at least tried to change things to improve the situation, be happy with yourself.  Don't let anyone make you feel like a lesser person because of WHO you are.
5. Remember who your true friends are.  They are the ones that will stay by you, standing strong and proud, no matter what happens.  They are the ones that understand when life gets rough, that you can't always be the perfect person, but they love you anyway. They love you unconditionally and forever. They are there for you when things get tough and don't abandon you when you need them the most. 
6. Be a good friend back.  True friends are sometimes hard to find, and hard to hold on to. Show them the respect they deserve, love them unconditionally, be there for them no matter what, be proud to be their friend, and never desert them. 
7. Don't waste your precious time and energy on people who are not worth it.  Our time with others is valuable and should be shared with those who deserve it.
8. Trust your heart, mind, and instincts.  You are stronger and wiser than you think and/or give yourself credit for.


11/20/2008 5:08:39 PM
CALLING YOU
**By Blue October**

There's something that I can't quite explain...
I'm so in love with you.
You'll never take that away...
And if I've said a hundred times before,
Expect a thousand more...
You'll never take that away.

Well expect me to be,
Calling you to see...
If you're okay when I'm not around...
Asking if you love me.
I love the way you make it sound.
Calling you to see...
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile...

I will keep calling you to see...
If you're sleeping or you're dreaming...
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me!

I thought that the world had lost its sway.
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you.
(Then came you)
And you took that away.
(It's not so difficult, the world is not so difficult)

You take away the old, show me the new...
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you!
So while I'm on this phone,
A hundred miles from home...
I'll take the words you gave,
And send them back to you.

I only want to see...
If you're okay when I'm not around,
Asking if you love me.
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see...
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile...

I will keep calling you to see....
If you're sleeping or you're dreaming.
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me!

11/14/2008 3:21:31 PM
Anywhere
By Evenescence**


Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me?
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you.
And at sweet night, you are my own.
Take my hand.

We're leaving here tonight...
There's no need to tell anyone,
They'd only hold us down.
So by the morning light...
We'll be half way to anywhere,
Where love is more than just your name.

I have dreamt of a place for you and I.
No one knows who we are there.
All I want is to give my life only to you.
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore.
Let's run away, I'll take you there.

We're leaving here tonight.
There's no need to tell anyone,
They'd only hold us down.
So by the morning light,
We'll be half way to anywhere...
Where noone needs a reason.

Forget this life...
Come with me...
Don't look back you're safe now.
Unlock your heart.
Drop your guard.
No one's left to stop you.

Forget this life...
Come with me...
Don't look back you're safe now.
Unlock your heart.
Drop your guard.
No one's left to stop you now.

We're leaving here tonight.
There's no need to tell anyone,
They'd only hold us down.
So by the morning light,
We'll be half way to anywhere,
Where love is more than just your name.

10/12/2008 2:01:26 PM
Leave Out All The Rest By Linkin Park

**I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear.
What am I leaving when I'm done here?

So if you're asking me, I want you to know...

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty.
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest.

Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid.
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made.
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through.
I've never been perfect, but neither have you.

So if you're asking me, I want you to know...

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty.
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest....

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself.
I can't be who you are.

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty.
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest.
Leave out all the rest.

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well.
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself.
I can't be who you are.

I can't be who you are...

9/13/2008 11:27:13 AM
 Just wanted to comment on how amusing it can be when a Dom thinks that things that you write in your journal/blogs/whatever are about Him...*giggles* Even when they don't have ANYTHING to do with Him!  Get off Your HIGH HORSE! And You know who I am talking to...don't try to hide it or deny it!

9/9/2008 4:32:40 AM
Foolish Stupid girl

**
Exchanged words on a screen.  Then a soft spoken "Hello" from me to You across the phone lines. Soon, the trust built, like the strong framework of a newly built house.
A brave step forward, I ventured out to meet You. Spending time together, getting to know one another more. Meeting You, getting to know You is something I shall never regret. To see Your handsome face, those deep eyes that forever draw me in like the strong tides of the ever-powerful ocean.
To feel Your touch upon me, with such strength, yet with such sweetness and care. Making me feel like a woman and a little girl at the same time. The immense power You have over me is exhilarating, but also confusing and terrifying to me at the same time.
Just one look from You, Your touch, Your words spoken to me, can send immense feelings to surge throughout my body.  I surrender and become Yours. Tasting Your sweet lips and mouth as we kissed, feeling Your hands all over my body, awakens my senses causing me to want You more and more. Wanting You to take me, use me, do whatever You want to me. Wanting to please You with every sense of my being. The anticipation and excitement that I felt, causing my heart to beat fiercely and uncontrollably, and my breathing to become labored... quick and deep.

But what was all of this to You? Just a way to pass time?  To fill in the empty spots? A heart and a life to play around with?

FOOLISH STUPID GIRL!!  Did you ever think you REALLY had a chance in Hell? Or in Heaven, for that matter?  All along, you knew...knew that His heart belonged to another. Knew His mind was on her even when the both of you were together.  Yet, AGAIN, here I stand alone, left out in the cold...always outside, looking in.

The time we had together will always be remember by me, cherished, held close to my heart. Things like this are not easily erased from "my book of memories"...

The time we did have together, cut short.  The annoying tick tock of life's clock was so loud in my ears. Seeing the grains of sand fall quickly to the bottom of the hourglass...until there is no more to drop. Slipping through my fingers, like the soft sand from the hourglass, or the water from the salty ocean scooped up in my palms, You are now gone.. And there was nothing I could do about it.
But then again, You were never even mine to hold onto...
Foolish stupid girl! Left alone and heartbroken.

7/10/2008 9:07:21 PM
The Night Calling    Part 2

  Looking deeply into His eyes, she swallows hard. Suddenly, He grabs hold of her, His strong hands encircling the soft flesh of her upper arms. A quick gasp escapes her mouth. An evil grin spreads across His once soft, caring face. He slowly lowers His gaze, tracing His eyes over her body. Her pulse quickens as He inspects her, like some animal looking over its prey before it attacks. His eyes fall upon her breasts, rising and falling with her deep fast breaths. She feels her pale flesh becoming warm, almost hot as her blood rushes through her body. It pleases Him, to see her skin become warm under His touch, to turn a rosey shade of pink. Quickly, He pushes her down onto the plush bed, digging His fingers into her tender skin. She winces in slight pain, careful not to let out a sound. Pinning her down, He brings His strong body over her, straddling her with each of His muscular legs on the sides of her body. Lowering His face, He presses His full lips against her mouth and forces her lips and teeth open. His wet tongue enters her mouth and begins to explore, deep moans coming from His throat. Feeling the excitment rise throughout her body, she eagerly begins to kiss Him back. For a moment, she attempts to raise her hands to touch Him, but His force upon her is too great. Feeling her feable attempt, He presses harder upon her and pushes her deeper into the soft mattress over and over again. Rising up suddenly, He slaps her hard across the face, leaving an angry red mark across her left cheek. The sharp slap stings her, but causes her to feel a rush race throughout her very being. She begins to feel the moistness between her soft thighs increase. Her green eyes dare to graze over His face, slowing down as her eyes trace the shape of His lips, then raising to look into His unbelievable eyes. She begins to drown in them, but is brought back to life as He takes hold of her body and flips her over unto her belly. Before she can even protest, He roughly pulls her beautiful baby blue silk nightgown up over her naked round ass and lower back. She inhales deeply and quickly shuts her eyes hard as she hears the delicate fabric rip under His strong grasp. She lie there, feeling the cool night air from the open windows brush over her exposed lower body and she shivers slightly.  She dares not to move, not even one slight budge. What seems like minutes pass, as she continues to lie there, trying so hard not to make a sound or move too much. The vivid thoughts in her mind running wildly, like wild beautiful horses galloping free.  Her feelings, imense desire for Him is almost too much for her to control, to hide. Finally, she feels His touch upon her body as He gently runs His large hands over her thighs. Moving upwards, His hands glide over her soft bottom. She begins to relax, almost melt under His touch.....


7/6/2008 8:11:05 PM
Evanescence's GOOD ENOUGH

**Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.

7/4/2008 2:04:22 PM
The Night Calling

Her delicate body lying still upon the soft bed..

Surrounded by a peaceful silence, she sleeps..

Slowly, she is brought out of her deep slumber by His soothing, yet strong voice...

Calling to her.. wanting her... demanding her to come to Him.

She slowly rises.. her small hand raising slowly to move her long tresses away from her face.  She attempts to see through the darkness.. her piercing green eyes gazing through the black abyss.

Reaching over, she opens the curtain. Suddenly, the dark room is lit up as the beautiful white light from the twinkling stars and the full moon dares to enter through the thick glass that seperates her from the outside world. Looking up at the night sky, she smiles slightly.. thinking of its vastness, its incredible size.. realizing just how small she really was.

Again, she hears Him call to her and it quickly brings her back to reality..her head snaps down from the night sky and looks towards the door.. where He is calling her from. Slowly, she rises.. Feeling the cool silkiness of her nightgown against her pale naked breasts...causing her rose pink nipples to harded, and she can't help but gasp slightly from the pure excitement..

She begins to walk across the floor.. her soft bare feet feeling the coldness of the wooden floor.. Coming to the door, reaching out to grasp the brass knob..her heart pounding hard and fierce under her soft breasts.  Her breathing quickening even though she tried to stay calm. Opening the door, she jumps, startled, as He calls her again.. this time, more forceful.  She quickly exits her room..and scampers down the long hall..

Finally..reaching His room.. facing His vast wooden door.. she slowly reaches her small hand up and knocks 6 times in perfect timing...something He has told her she must do.  His low seductive voice answers "Enter, my little one."  Trembling, she grabs the large brass knob and turns it.  The door opens slowly,  revealing a large darkened room.  In the center is a large bed...where He sits waiting for her.  She can make out the outline of His body.. strong.... somewhat muscular.. She begins to walk forward.. gliding across the floor..arms at her side... hands pressed firmly against her soft thighs.   Feeling her mind go somewhat numb.. feeling like her delicate heart will burst at any moment.

Reaching the large bed...her green eyes can see more of Him.. His dark hair.. soft..thick.. His skin that she longed to feel against hers... He motions for her to get up on the bed and come to Him.  She inhales deeply..and holds her breath as she carefully jumps up on the bed and then briefly sits on her knees facing Him..a long exhale of warm air exits through her soft lips. Then she slowly begins to crawl to Him..feeling the excitement begin to build inside of her... inside her soul... her heart.. her most deepest secret places.. A small smile appears on her moist pink lips.. As she gets closer.. she can see His caring bluish eyes looking deeply at her..deeply into her eyes.. exploring her... her mind.. her whole being.. delving into her very soul...

Reaching Him, she stops, and lowers her gaze, her soft green eyes looking down. Afraid to look into His deep eyes... afraid that she will become lost in them...   She suddenly feels His large hands run through her long hair.. and a rush of electrical shocks run throughout her body.. feelings of such pure excitement overcome her, as her body shudders uncontrollably.  He slowly reaches down and lifts her chin up gently, causing her to look directly into his beautiful dangerous eyes.

To be continued...


7/1/2008 12:21:05 AM
Evanescence's MISSING

**
Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please


Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?


Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please


Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out;
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something.......

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please

6/26/2008 7:44:07 PM
I *finally* went to a weekly meet again... Something I used to do quite often, but stopped going to for sveral reasons.  One reason was simply the fact that I have to get up at the awful wee hours of the morning for work, another was because I was pretty involved, but not exclusive, with a Dom in Salem.. which, as I have previously stated, has ended.  We are remaining friends, and so far that is working out well. 
I am dealing with some issues.. and not sure really what to do.  Since I have been able to actually be a submissive, for over 2 years now, I have been in only ONE exclusive relationship.. and that was in the beginning.  Since then, I have not been OWNED, or exclusively seeing just one Dom.  Recenly, I have met someone who is interested in me as, what I thought, a play partner. He is in a solid, but open,  relationship with someone who He loves very much. Now, I may be wrong...But there is a BIG difference between being someone's play partner and being Their submissive.  Therefore, after being invited to the weekly party by ANOTHER Dom (that I have been talking to on here) and agreeing to meet Him there..I went, and I ended up CAUSING a couple people to be pissed off, including Him when He was told. It was not something I was hiding. People from the parties know eachother, and I wasn't "sneaking around"! I was not aware that I was VIOLATING some code or rules. We did not discuss anything about being strictly EXCLUSIVE.  I don't even know if I am ready for that....quite yet.  At the weekly meeting, I met the new Dom there.. We talked... explored a few things.. and I had a GOOD time.  Later, I discovered that I "f***ed up" by going to the party with another Dom.  I am confused and upset. 

I don't want all this drama, I already have enough in my life as it is *laughs*... I go to the parties to be with friends, to relax, to play..and,  possibly, to eventually find the One. Both of these Doms are wonderful men, from what I know so far. I wish there was an easy way to solve this dilema where everyone would be "happy"... But I don't know what that would be at this time or if it is even possible.  Perhaps I should just crawl back into my "hole" and not go to the weekly parties.....*sighs* Anyone have any advice for me, or can help me understand why I messed up.. please email me. Thanks..
*SM*

5/29/2008 1:30:56 AM

Well, many months have gone by since I have last written.. and I have been through QUITE a bit. Things that have changed me.. taught me things.. humbled me... lifted me up higher.. made me happy.. and then some things that have made me very sad.  I am facing an abrupt change in my life.. Ending something that has been with me for over a year.  But, I think it is for the best.  In the long run.. everyone will be better off.  Its a NEW beginning for me...and I am READY for it!!!


1/3/2008 11:00:24 PM
Hope everyone is having a good New Years so far.  Things for me are about the same.  Still working hard at my job.  Having offers to meet new Doms, and wanting to, but just finding the time is the difficult part.  They usually want me to come to them..and they usually live at least an hour away... *sighs* That is life, I guess.  There is One is particular I am dying to meet.. Been wanting to for awhile, but am a little shy and got to get our schedules worked out so I can make it up there to Portland.  Hopefully I will meet Him this month.  I am still seeing the regular Dom that I have been seeing for about hmmm...10 months now, and I think things are going well...other than I don't get to see Him nearly as much as I would like.  I have come to terms with the fact that a lot of Doms see other "girls" and it is my decision whether or not to accept it.  As for right now, I don't want to change anything.  But who knows..tomorrow is a new day. *giggles*  Not to say that I am not looking for someone long term...but that will come with time...Well wishes to you all...
sweetmisery

11/22/2007 12:10:57 PM

Happy Thanksgiving!!  Things have been kind of confusing for me lately. Not sure what certain decisions to make that have to do with someone I am seeing.  I want Him to be happy, but I also don't want to lose what we have. Part of me tells me that stepping aside and allowing Him to be with this new person will bring Him the most happiness.  Just the way He talks, I can tell He is struggling..She wants Him all to herself and I have a strong feeling that He wants to be with Her more than me..and that ultimately it will end up that way. So do I just ride it out, become more attached to Him and then get hurt even more when the day comes that I am put to the side?  Or should I just end it now..tell Him Goodbye? My heart hurts to even think about this... But He deserves someone that He wants to be with.  And who I am to even speak.. I am seeing Others... and want to meet Others.  I have NO right to even feel the way I do...Do I? But I have not found One like Him yet.. don't know if I ever will.....


9/11/2007 12:15:25 PM

Woman Under Master's hand

**Under Your hand....my lessons are taught, my heart soars, my tears are brushed aside, my body blooms, my soul deepens, my mind grows, my slavery flourishes, my serenity exists...
Under Your hand...the woman in me is discovered.


9/11/2007 12:06:34 PM

The Submissive

**If it pleases Him to have me kneel before Him
i will kneel reverently
If it pleases Him to bind me
i will gladly offer my arms to Him
If it pleases Him to touch me
i will allow myself to be touched
If it pleases Him to teach me
i will learn all i can
If it pleases Him to discipline me
i will accept it without a sound
If it pleases Him to allow me to serve Him
i will serve Him with loyalty and devotion....

                                                      sinful


9/9/2007 5:31:29 AM
Its been quite a busy few days, with work...but I have been able to squeeze a couple days of play in there..*giggles*  BTW...NO!  Means NO!  And Wait!  Means WAIT!  Just thought I would say that.. Another thing...for all the Doms that are emailing me...Just some IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!! I DO have 2 children who are the WORLD to me... They come first!!!!!!!

9/4/2007 12:05:03 AM

I have been participating in the "lifestyle" for a little over 8 months now and have experienced some quite "good" times.  I have found that I enjoy being with the Daddy Dom type, the type that can be real controlling and puts me in my place, but then rewards me for my good actions and behaviors...  I really enjoy blindfolds, collars, leashes, other various toys and gadgets, orgasm denial, mental and physical bondage, humiliation to some degree, spankings, floggling, paddling, knife play, needle play, sensual massage, and other various treatments...*evil grin*  Its been a fun ride so far..  I often am asked if I am owned?...or if I am looking to be owned?  I am not sure about this..  If I found the right One.. and/or He finds me...perhaps.....


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