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I have been diagnosed with cancer that at the most will give me five years to live. While I no longer actively seek, if the last great love of my life should see this and can deal with my leaving this earth before my time, I shall not turn You away and would love to get to know You.
I have decided that it makes no sense with the time I may have left to "seek" so I have changed my profile to reflect this, please respect this and I will speak with people as friends but not as potentials.
The Olive Tree
A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her. She felt that to submit to him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain should he ever leave her. She hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away in panic.
The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love and devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen and open like a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and his impressive size towered above her like a giant tree. Then he began to speak.
I'm here for you… now and always no matter how far time and space takes us… Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me I will not turn from you. I am as patient as time itself; I will take not from you unless you give freely and completely of yourself, but I give onto you regardless – for my love is unconditional…
Like the Olive tree that can both feed you and shade you, I am there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you need. If your skin grows dry and losses its lustre, the oil from my fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort my leaves will gently caress your face with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline my branches will correct you when the wind blows strong. If you just need my shade to protect you from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe. If you need a refreshing breeze my leaves will fan you and cool you.
You are my gardener.When you submit to me, you tend that which keeps me vibrant and full of life. When you kneel under me and till the soil, you give breath to my roots. When you water me, my sap flows strong through me raising my limping branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertiliser with your bare hands, you strengthen and humble me with your devotion. Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without you.
Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and nurtures my very core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the tree from her heart and the tree gives to her heart all that he can. I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk away from me… But be assured I will survive. One hundred years later and two of your lifetimes, I will still be there, waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.
Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for we are complementary to each other. I am your devotion and you give meaning to my existence. Apart, we live life and survive, together we bloom eternally.
As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to sleep at his feet. That night… he stood planted there like the Olive tree offering her his unconditional love and protection as she slept. As she would tend to him with her devotion the next day and every day thereafter.
Author unknown
If You can be as the wise Master above and are able to return love and affection and are ready for a live-in 24/7 relationship, You might be what I am seeking but have not yet found.
I seek a Man who is not into extremes such as me eating out of a dog bowl, being bound by chair or rope all night at His bedpost or all day by the door, I do not do golden showers and am not into scat ~ I also will not have anything to do with under age children, and I react badly to humiliation.
I seek that one Great Man that has been elusive all through my life and ask "Where are You that I might come to know You and You me, to serve You in all ways and to give You pleasure and receive it also. "
Please don't come to me with lies or half truths, I would rather know the truth upfront and make my own decisions about what I can and will or cannot and will not do.
I become attached very easily and I am genuinely sincere and for real about what I want and need so please, if You are married or have someone else in Your life, please pass me by as I seek only honesty and openness and caring and not hiding things from another or hurting another as I was not put on this earth to hurt anyone.
With me you get me and my kitten (Five month old male tiger striped kitten.) I had to give up Chloe (my half boxer/half pit, eight month old puppy) because of my injury to my ankle and the fact all it would take is one jump by her either up on me or on me on the sofa and I would be screaming with agony and be back in the hospital ~ I found her a wonderful home and know she is happy.
Oh and I do smoke (cigarettes) and am not looking to quit although possibly for the "right" one I might ~ I drink very rarely and only socially at that.
[Spoken:]
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Will he offer me his mouth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his teeth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his jaws?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Again, will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:] And does he love me?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Yes.
Meatloaf ~ I'd do anything for Love
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Why is life so damn hard? Why can't everything just for once be easy. Okay yes it's a "poor me" day. LOL ~ But I am trying to be upbeat and positive but am slowly becoming overwhelmed with question that I am going to have to FIRMLY ask my Oncologist about when I go to see him tomorrow afternoon as I can go to cancer forums, I can check statistics all I want but the only answers that can really answer my questions have to come to him.
I guess the real problem for me is I don't FEEL sick, I don't LOOK sick, and here I am trying to live my life and even am still on this site looking and seeking and talking and "trying" to keep up with the mail I get (damn, that can be exhausting and of itself but I love the mail so (grins) "stop bitching Marsha, before you end up with no mail") but in the back of my mind I am like okay I have an expiration date but what IS IT? and how long do I have before it starts to truly affect me?
Well again I will be a bit more proactive with my Dr. and ask my questions until I get answers I can understand and deal with.
For those who have given condolences and offers of shoulders to cry on and time to talk I appreciate those and am amazed at the depth of human kindness. For those who are willing to explore what my be even with my health issues, I don't believe in God per se but God bless You, You also give me hope and bring a smile to my face.
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Well, I kind of let my friend know how I feel about Him, which may have scared Him off. We shall see I guess, but it's not that I am "in love" in love with Him, but I admire Him, like Him, respect Him and would love to be His if circumstances were different.
Was it wrong to send a poem that went above and beyond just what we had touched on as friends. Did I go beyond the bounds of friendship? I hope not, I hope He understands that I am not stalking Him or pressuring, just letting Him know I look forward to speaking with Him everyday and miss it when we don't.
If I have scared Him off I understand, If I have not then I will try to keep my feelings more under wraps and make sure He knows I am grateful for all that He does for me as far as helping me to learn more and to keep me stable with all that goes on with me.
Crap, I hate my emotions sometimes! |
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Psapp - Cosy In The Rocket Lyrics
Gray's Anatomy Theme Song
Climb, climb into a rocket
And we set the fuse to go, go go
Head start, cosy in the rocket
And I need to go, to go, go,go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go,go,go
Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know
Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows
Tic tac toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting
In the same old shape you always do
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tick tock ready to go
Tip top ready for the sky
And I'm tip top ready to go, go go
Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know
Come, come, fly into my palm
And collapse
Oh oh, suppose you'll never know
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I am numb, I am numb at the news I received at the Dr's office today, I am numb at the thought I will not live to see even my 55th birthday. I am numb that the only person in my life that is in reality in person in my life to help me through this is my best friend Mary and her boyfriend Charlie. I am numb that I will never find that great love of my life and the home I have been searching for all my life.
I am numb that a friendship I made here with a Dom and the feelings I have for Him will never come to fruitition as there is simply not enough time and I cannot ask Him to push something that may or may not be there. I thank Him though for being in the online world for me and being a friend and a source of comfort and sensuality when I thought I would never feel such again.
Insomnia is again my friend once more this night and so I will close this and read for a time then try to rest.
I am numb. |
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I read this again today for about the 2000000th time (grins ~ Yes I am exaggerating), but once again it makes me think so thought I would set it here today:
All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned by being submissive.
Wisdom was not part of my college degree, it came as I knelt at his feet.
These are the things I learned:
Share yourself.
Sometimes you can't admit to yourself what you really want.
Play fair.
Keep it safe, sane and consensual.
Take care of your playthings.
Everyone has something of value to offer.
Pay attention.
Behave.
Take pride in yourself and your work.
Look.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Attitude is everything.
Be aware of the person you are with.
Take nothing for granted.
Acknowledge what you're feeling.
Thank people for the little things they have done for you.
Show respect.
Letting someone else take charge is great for your well-being.
If it's more than you can handle, back down, take a break or regroup, but don't quit.
You can tolerate much more than you thought you could.
Know your limits.
Hold yourself accountable to others.
Other people have needs and desires that take precedence over yours.
Sometimes the smallest act has the most effect.
Don't be afraid of intimacy.
Show you care.
It's much easier with someone to guide you along the way.
Live a balanced life-learn some and think some and create and imagine and build and dream and play and work and care and love every day some.
Remember the first time you sought this out: you wanted this so much, you were terrified, you were anxious, you were excited, you didn't know if you could do it, but once you were able to you enjoyed it. That's the same emotional roller coaster ride as life…scary, uncertain, but a lot of fun if you let yourself enjoy it. And then remember the first lesson you learned-the most important one of all - Listen to me. Everything you need to know is right there. The Golden Rule and acceptance. Politics and philosophy and equality and sane living. The secret to interacting with those around you.
Take any one of those items and transfer it to your family life or your relationship with your friends or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all--the whole world--were able to really listen to each other, and accept what the other person had to offer, even if we didn't agree. Or if all governments had a basic policy to keep it safe, sane and consensual.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go out into the world, it is best to show you care and take nothing for granted.
copyright © Alkallah 1998
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Someone sent me a mail this morning asking what I want, my first reaction is to say "Read my profile it pretty much tells all"
But then I sat down and typed what i truly want; to find the One who I can come to care for, trust, admire, love and adore and have the same given back to me.
To find a Home ~ Not a "House" but a real home ala Luther Vandross's song "A House is not a Home"
Lastly to give of my self with no reservation, no restrictions, to know that giving that control means only that I will never be hurt, never be harmed, always be protected and always have my lover, my best friend, My Dom with me through bad or good, whether the bad is really bad or the good is really good.
To know when I die I have been loved and am not alone.
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I sent this to Hyperion78 this night after being allowed to speak with Him:
Dear Sir,
Thank You for allowing me to speak to You earlier this night and thank You for clearing up the misunderstandng of Your name.
I find in truth that You intrique me and are One whose darkeneded links of metal give cause to turn to flee the hour and moment they appear and yet whose voice, Masterful and firm yet wtih a softness settles upon my ears as I turn yet again, to come to Your hand ..................................
And hope that He better understands why the messages were sent in the beginning and allows forgiveness of them. |
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Well it seems as if One has decided to play like He has no idea whom I am. That's fine as I have a few options and am well past Him by this time. I wish Him all the happiness and joy He has earned in this life.
Me, I am so intriqued by a few that my life is busy in speaking to them BUT ....
I really did it to myself this time. I walked up to Target to buy more minutes for my phone. It's a three mile walk, when I returned I was so hot and tired I decided to jump the fence at the back of the complex instead of walking around the fence and coming in the long way.
MISTAKE
I got up on the fence okay, then grabbed two tree brances, swung myself over and immediately was headed to the ground, I landed between two roots of the tree and was screaming for help as my ankle was broken and I could see by the ankle this was not going to be an easy or pretty thing. A neighbor called 911 and I got taken to the hospital where they did surgery and put me in a soft cast.
I just got of the hospital tonight (about 6pm) and Mary came and picked me up and I Will be staying here until more xrays fnd out how things are settled. I figure it will take me the whole six weeks to heal and see what my Dr. says.and that is all the news that is fit to print this day .................... |
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[Spoken:]
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Will he offer me his mouth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his teeth?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his jaws?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Again, will he offer me his hunger?
[Boy:] Yes!
[Girl:] And does he love me?
[Boy:] Yes.
[Girl:] Yes.
[Boy:] On a hot summer night,
would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
[Girl:] Yes.
Everytime I read these words by Meatloaf from His song "I'd do anything for love" I feel the emotional charge of two things;
1. The thought of loving someone so much and giving my all to them.
2. The thought of baring my throat to a mouth or a hand.
I had found long ago when I first started in the "lifestyle" that I cannot play with just anyone, there has to be chemistry and attraction, and feelings for that person. Therefore the online venue is better for me than going to play parties as this venue gives me more time to get to know someone and to decide are all those thing there.
I fall easily and when I do fall I fall hard and deep, I've made mistakes in choosing Doms but hopefully I have learned from my experiences. So many don't understand that I do not seek just the play but a deeper interaction and I have a hunger to love and be loved.
The throat thing; I'd never think I would be one that would go for someone biting my neck or putting a hand around my throat and squeezing but yes it is one of my kinks and amazingly enough a lot of Dom's are afraid to go that far, I wonder why, if I put complete faith and trust in Someone do they still doubt their Own selves?
Well that's the thought for today..............
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| Age: 21 |
| Atlanta,
Georgia |
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