stevemdfp on Collarspace

9/16/2009 8:10:26 AM

A few thoughts to share with those interested, and those browsing.... Many might say I don't belong here. I'm not instinctively dominant, typically. I'm not even aroused by being dominant or having a woman be submissive, exactly. The attraction and reason for being here is a little subtler. I can be perfectly happy in an egalitarian, vanilla relationship with a woman. But D/s flavored relationships have acquired a special appeal to me. The analogy is a bit lame-sounding, perhaps, but the D/s experience for me feels rather like getting a promotion into a job I didn't feel qualified for. Then, upon taking the reins, I found I had a talent for it and experience the responsibilities as rewarding, to everyone's benefit. The benefit to me is mostly a sort of expansion of my self-image, sense of ability and competence, and a sense of being of help to (or contributing to, or being good to) someone I care about. Humans have some tendency to organize themselves into leaders and followers. In any group setting, this is pretty obvious. To the vanilla world, it sometimes seems odd or wrong that a leader/follower arrangement should exist in a romantic or sexual pairing. It's clearly a very natural, comfortable arrangement for a lot of people. And why should any natural, comfortable arrangement be taboo? Only after some reflection have I realized that a fully egalitarian relationship is exhausting and therefore limiting. If every decision has to be negotiated to explicit agreement (in or out of the bedroom) so much spontaneity or variety or exploration can be quashed. Negotiations can be tedious. Tedium is an awful thing to have in a loving relationship. Negotiations can devastate a sense of fun. Give one person the reins, and (if mutual trust and understanding is present) wonderful experiences can unfold spontaneously. For me, then, being a Dom means accepting profound responsibility. A responsibility to understand what kinds of things might work in a relationship, what the partner's limitations and fantasies are, and a commitment to leading the relationship in a way that fulfills both. This can apply differently in or out of the bedroom. I get related but different gratifications in the two realms. I get aroused by blindfolding and tying a partner up only if she finds it exciting, for example. On the other hand, I know a good submissive gets excited by her partner's arousal, too, so options and choices abound. Relationships and sexuality within them should foster exploration and creativity. I simply don't have any rigid rules, except generic ones, which are mutual: -demonstrate respect -be honest and open, as much as humanly possibe -focus on the positive -try to be good with, for, and to the partner -recognize that each partner takes serious responsibilities in a D/s relationship. They are simply very *different* responsibilities. So, if you're a submissive woman reading this, you might think "blah, blah..get to the point. What's it like being YOUR sub?" Fair question. Damned if I can give a simple answer. Things unfold differently with different partners. Getting to a good place requires getting to understand each other, so it's never immediate, it's a process that never entirely ends. Patience is required. But I find I'm not happy in any relationship, D/s or vanilla, unless I sense we are both good for (and with, and to) each other.