Gads, I am a real pisser when I'm drunk. I was capping subs and lowering Doms in chat, but it general being really calm. Of course, I wake up this morning feeling the crash. I might be beginning to sub. Hopefully once I wash the toxins out of my system I won't feel so low, then I'll just be back to Normal.

"If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem."

— Richard Bach, "Illusions"

Note to all Dom/mes:

"There's Top and then there's Over the Top" - me

Learn the difference.

Valentine's Day will be rough for me.. Its the day I left Australia. An anniversary I'll not soon forget. For those who don't know, I was once engaged. My ex-fiancee was threatened with disownment days before the wedding because of the color of my skin - and that's all - no better reason was ever given! My ex-fiancee refused to even discuss the event with me.

Now, nearly a year later a few friends face similar ouster; if they defy their authority figure and communicate with me. One even broke her promise, to discuss with me if this ever happened, which makes me laugh, because personally I'd never accept any order not to keep a friend - and she said such an order would never be given: such are the lies that people tell themselves .

I bear no malice to people who are manipulating in their own best interest and I know her oversight is willfull blindness.

I shake my head: "what fools these mortals be (including me)!"

"Give me not your pity, but your presence. Or give me not your presence, but your prayers!" It's a great line! I have to save it for future use.

For the moment I think "The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King"

And I really do have a very nice cast of players and though I love one in particular, I call them all friends.

Sometime this year... "Switches are  _____", "Care and Feeding of yourSwitch", and "Domestic Arrangements: Don't Throw that Switch"... (reprints of articles I'm writing for a local newsletter)

"In the end it is really our reaction to our Master rather than our responses that matter. And these will change over the days and months and years."

For "Master" substitute any noun-role (sub, switch, boss, mother, father, etc) in the range of human experience and the above statement would remain absolutely true. Our actions (reactions) matter far more than our words (responses). One can cry in the wilderness pledging undying devotion with words, and lavish affection with speech and still betray ones role with actions. One can countenance honesty and yet manipulate through partial truths and perceived fictions - yet actions will eventually reveal truth.

While you behave within the confines of your words, remember, do not be afraid to change. Whether the change you will of yourself is to become more or less psychotically Dominant, or more or less socio-pathologically submissive, or more or less transformably S/switch, do not fear change! And since you must grow - grow with the flow. The experience, whether Top or Bottom will change you. You will learn. Those who stop learning new ways to react and respond are really and truly dead inside - stasis is unhealthy!

Always be careful of your deeds, for they will be remembered far longer than your words and where the two are in conflict - the actions will be remembered and the words considered mere gibberish.

There are many internal motivations to help another: love, friendship and compassion, and even lust, guilt, and pity. The first three are expressions of mutuality. The last three are expressions of selfishness. Beware your motives, and beware the motives of those helping you...

Today was a good evening.

You don't know, dear readers, but when L.D. admitted how she'd dicked me over for many years - lying to me about the basic parts of her life - I had to discover a method to make her into a friend in my mind. I started calling her Karen, even though that created unending confusion for my then Collared gullKarin. In the end, Karen became a better friend than she had been as L.D - her real name isn't even close to Karen or L.D!

So, if I've given you a personalized nickname, its not because you're my sub - unless it contains the word "gull". It's because I want to remain friends with you and forget  any hurt you may have caused. If you've hurt me, then a friendly nickname is a small price to pay to remain friends. If you've asked me to sacrifice my feeling, my dignity, my curiosity and my mental stability for you, then a nickname is a tiny sacrifice by comparison.

The basic reason "because I want to" should be good enough.

A year ago yesterday my wedding was cancelled. Tomorrow would have been my first wedding anniversary. No wonder I felt the need to drown in liquor and was desperately reaching out to anyone I knew! I imagine I've made quite a few enemies - or maybe just people who won't talk to me any more, but you know what?

A pair of good friends with a long history on CM explained to me how I've played-out lately - just like many before me - and suddenly, knowing that so many have rowed this same boat, I no longer feel so badly. In fact, I feel rather good. That my code is almost finished makes me feel even better! Maybe by next Sunday, when I hope to make a phone call.

You know, what those two friends told me has made it possible for me to go back into chat and not feel badly when certain things happen.

I kind of like being Domme'd by two certain someones, when I give them permission that is.

A lonely wolf has savaged your friend. I would have liked to hear your voice, but I must choose my work instead.

A lonely wolf has consumed your Prince. I value your company, but I must choose my work instead.

A lonely wolf has left me bloody. I need people, but they only hurt me, so I choose my work instead.

In the end, there is only work.

WHY CAN I NOT JUST BE HAPPY FOR YOU?

You know who you are. You're still my friend. I must catch up with my work and then I can catch up with you! Being angry is a waste of energy.

We all have to be ourselves. Be with whom we want to be, when we want to be, as we want to be. We need time to think, evolve, and work. Sometime we refuse to recognize this fact until we decide to be ourselves - even if another has been commanding us to be exactly that! The Dominant side of me feels a swelling pride when a submissive learns. The submissive side of me feels deep sadness that they're leaving.

My toes still curl when I think of four certain voices and I want to be around those absent voices.

However, the meaning of "leave me be, UNLESS I reach out to you" eludes some people. I have a metric ass-tonne of stuff to do. If your Dom or Daddy told you to give me space; its because We made a deal. My health and well-being are paramount. If I chat, talk, or otherwise communicate to you; keep it low key. I reach out because I have cleared time for you and I choose to be with you.

Heck, I might even like you. You might even like me. LOL Just remember, I am Switch-ing and I need to Dominate myself right now.

I had a minour clot-caused heart attack Sunday morning, brought on by excessive chatting, sedentary overwork, perpetually late-sleep and sub-stress. If I'd been paying attention I might have realized that the weird pain in my left arm and shoulder was a presage and not a thrown shoulder. Nothing stresses me more than the premature abortion of a well-conceived plan except maybe freezing for a day and night when the heat is out

A pipe burst Tuesday morning and my development laptop was flooded.I've been forced to move to the new laptop prematurely. For some clients this means a loss of a few days' work and for others the loss of a month. Add those two difficulties to my recent heart attack and there's no time for dealing with anyone or anythingelse.

SO, to anyone reading this: collarme, for reasons of emotional, financial and physical health, you're the last place I should or can go right now. I cannot engage in strenuous emotional or physical activity for the next 90 days, and so I deign to say, this data disaster couldn't have happened at a better time. If I don't approach you, please don't approach me. If I do approach you, keep it low key - I really cannot afford distraction: and all people here on CM are incredibly distracting. I need to work.

It bears repeating: I'm a Switch. And right now, I am Switch-ing back to Dom and switching you OFF.

Please pray for all the souls of those who died before life had much begun.
Hold tight to those who have lost and cuddle them without pause.
Know that only time heals wounds of loss.
We all need each other.
Truly, we all do.

-dedicated to Emanuel and his Mother

Gullchick is gone. She broke it off last night and now we are in that "just friends" state. She wants to be herself and I'm proud of her for standing up to me. I just wish she had done so sooner? I've learned through much lifetime experience that people sometimes make mistakes in the beginning, middle, and end of relationships - both of us did - and that their mistakes need not define who they are. I have learned through much experience with other women that letting go, rather than holding tight, and being happy, rather then wallowing in misery, that freeing rather than obsessing is always the best course.

Yes, I tried to keep her around as more than friends, but I accept what is rather quickly. I'm more happy that she wants to be herself. Ask anyone who truly knows me. I'm up and happy, well rested and looking forward to this brand new day.

I bear her no ill will, and I hope that you will all respect me and not give her any trouble. Relationships fail everyday. Maturity is on the side of not punishing - either myself or her - when they do fail. Let her be herself, as I will.

Well, that's that. Another gull gone in as many months. I'm available again should any wish to approach me. The old has passed away and I will start again.

Warning though: I'm a Switch and too few really understand the inconsistency of that status. Being a Switch is not something that can be trained. You are either both Dom and submissive by turns or you are not - being Switch is not being Dom when you have to be and sub when you  have to be. Being Switch is about being honest about your inside self and obeying the rule of your heart regardless of the expectations of other. If you need someone more consistently Dom; you need to look elsewhere for that person.

I am a Switch. Look inside yourself; you might be one too.

My gullchick is so sick and getting worse daily. I'm no believer in a deity - I'm agnostic - but last night I couldn't sleep until I said a prayer for her. I don't know to whom or what I was praying, but the catharsis let me finally put head to pillow at sunrise. We are one, when she suffers; I suffer.

Friends, please leave me be until she is well again.

Did I mention how much I love My gullchick? She is the air that I breathe and every waking moment I think of her and how I can help her realize her full potential and how we can best serve each other. I've neglected other aspects of my life to be around her, because the rush when she willingly complies  is so intense - and she makes it so. She doesn't just "phone it in" there's something very real and true about her and she accepts my Switch nature and that's rare...

Well, I lost 4 months profit in the market in the last half-hour writing this declaration of love. Life truly sucks sometimes? Sometimes I'm lucky at cards, sometimes in love; love feels better, but I cannot spend it.

She's worth every penny.

And now barely a week  into the New Year, I've met someone very special. The valuable and beautiful pixiechick is my  new gull. She  has not yet accepted my  collar  and I  have not yet offered it, but  I  know that someday soon  I shall and if I  am right in what I sense in her, she will accept.

So,  I'm  sorry  ladies, my deepest regards and regrets, but this Man is now available only  for over  coffee platonic friendships  and the invaluable shoulder on which to cry. But of  course, any promises that I made before this  date will be kept, since to not  do so  would be  dishonourable  and  make me unworthy of trust.

And its all really about honour and  trust  isn't it? A  Dominant must trust himself and His submissive.

Submission  must  be earnt, respect must be accorded both ways or there is no  honour. And when  honour exits trust soon  follows. I  want her to trust me.

I want  my  self-respect.

What a full week and end! On Wednesday  my new laptop arrived. On Saturday, yes January  1, my best female friend's  water broke at home  - and though I was not apprised of this fact until I signed  on come Monday; I had inexplicable uncomfortable feelings about her early Sunday morning right about  the time she was delivering.  Strange how fate has linked us.

Also on  Monday I  was  apprised that I  would not be granted a  new contract: "filled  with an internal resource", which is code for "we needed  someone cheaper".

So, on the good  side I'm a free-agent now, with a newly functioning lappy and all the issues of last year closed.

On the bad side?  Well,  I don't think there 's a bad side yet.

QOD: Are all people liars, if only to themselves? Does one sex/gender tell lies more than another?

I now have a new laptop. Pretty case. Fast where it counts. Deep and wide where those count... I'm in the process of taking off the loser operating system and installing a real one. Figure another week.

Why do Imention this? Well most importantly: this lappy has a cam built-in,  so if you can Skype; we can video chat. No, I still won't get naked with you on cam - that's just stupid - but at least you can see the words coming out of my mouth.

I used my new photograph, taken the same night I posted it, on another site as well and there I was told "God, your photo is brilliant, it is as if Rembrant (sic) himself painted it..." I'm not sure if his statement was a bit of hyperbole or a belief that I'd edited. LOL. No, that's me, rendered by a relative's Nikon Coolpix in a mirror. The poster should have asked how many times I had to blind-shoot the photo to not cut off the top of my head!

*giggles* I just received a TM from a friend who is trapped in the drifts at her Mom's house. Temperature? 16F (-9C) Snowdrifts weathered like sculpted rocks...

Location? Hell, Michigan... (with a photograph)

"Okay, it's offical. Today was a cold day in Hell!"

Suddenly I've gotten a half-dozen messages that use "Friend" as though it were a title. Like Soviets used "Komrad!" in all those old spy movies. My fault I guess, I did say that I should be addressed as Friend.

Some people can be sooooo literal.

Shoot them, plz.

Ten years ago today I gave myself a LiveJournal for Christmas and now I'm giving myself a collarme account for much the same reason: I'm reaching out to find someone special. I'm also struck that my tastes haven't changed that much. I still like women younger than me, though younger now means something different than it did.All food for thought as we're all food for worms. Enjoy the snow...

Be patient, bookmark me and give me a chance to write a profile, okay, ladies?

Merry Christmas!