I've been kind of...unresponsive...for a while.

I was seeing someone and then we split briefly and I was on here more frequently in November but I was still hung up on him so my heart wasn't in this even remotely. And then we we were back together up until pretty much now.

So basically what I'm saying is, most messages I've read over the last couple of months haven't been considered seriously or at all.

But here I am again:p

Every now and then people send me messages on here telling me I should check out (insert the other big name bdsm site that starts with an F;p) and that I might have better luck over there.

Well, if your really interested, I'm over there too. Have been for probably just as long as I've been on here. Under MyNameIsLegion.

Surprisingly, I tend to have worse luck over there. I've actually never met anyone I started talking to off of that site, whereas I've at least met a few people from here...

Going on vacation tomorrow...so I wont be responding to anything here for the next 10 or so days

Going on six months, yet again.

Not just 6 months since I've been with someone, but also since I've even gone on a damned date. In fact, since the last guy I was briefly seeing, I haven't even gotten close to meeting anyone from this site. I haven't held any conversations for more than a message or two. I can't decide if I feel too busy to look....or if there's really just nobody out there....

I met a really cute gentlemen today and spent a large portion of the day trying to figure out how/trying to work up the nerve to flirt with him. At the end of the day I decided to stalk him on Facebook to see if I was just wasting my time. I expected to find that he isn't single...instead I found out he's not into women:(

 This is unfortunate. I mean, I'm sure he's fine with it and that's great and all...but I'm a little sad.

 What's even sadder is that I'm probably still going to be thinking about him when I go to bed tonight....

Actually, that's kind of pathetic:(

I think I'm realizing what my dating issue is. Lately, I'm just completely uninterested.
I'm horny and lonely and I'll be going to a wedding date-less on Friday. And all of that SUCKS! I would love to have someone around to help fix any/all of those problems... But at the moment, I don't even have any prospects. There is not a single person in my life right now that I want. Not to date, not to fuck. I don't really know why..... I'm not used to this. I'm pretty sure at any given point in my life before about 2 years ago, I was busy crushing on SOMEONE. Always. And now...... I don't know. I guess I need a new circle of human beings to interact with.

For some reason last night during my threat-of-snow-day off of work I started reading 50 Shades of Grey. Back when everyone was first talking about the book I read the excerpt on the back and came to the conclusion that it didn't seem like the sort of read I would have any interest in. It sounded far to much like a romance novel trying to be cutting edge. And since then I've heard all kinds of awful reviews about the poor writing and juvenile concepts of the series.  I think the comparisons to Twilight and the idea (fact?) that it started as some sort of fanfaction are really what made it seem least appealing to me. But yesterday after reading something a friend had posted on facebook about how she's rereading the trilogy I realized that i hadn't given the book a fair shot. In fact, I thought it was incredibly stupid based pretty much entirely on other peoples reviews. So, while I had nothing better to do with my evening, I decided to find it online and attempt to at least read the first chapter.

I'm on chapter 10 now and I'm actually rather enjoying it. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that:p The writing isn't much and even this early on it can be rather repetitive but the story I rather enjoy. I don't quite understand how it's gotten to be as big as it has. I've found better things to read on Literotica and nobody's taken up publishing those.... But I certainly do see the appeal. I mean, I've read and gotten excited by stupider and much more poorly written erotica online. So it beats out some.

The story definitely caters to that place in my mind that enjoys wishing I could be in a characters shoes myself.

Just purchased my first vibrator:)

Unfortunately 2 weeks seems like an insanely long time to wait to find out if this was a good investment or not...

But if it turns out it is, being single may be about to get much easier to handle.

I haven't the slightest idea what I'm waiting for....

By which I mean, I would like to be living a much crazier life than I currently am, on a lot of different levels.

Today I realized that I'm craving being spanked. I wasn't really aware that that's something my body could crave...but apparently it is. And its incredibly strange. Spanking has always felt really awkward. I enjoy the hell out of it but it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough to allow someone to spank me. And it's always been very intertwined with sex for me. So it's a rather new feeling to realize I want it simply for the sake of being hit and not for the sex that it leads to (or often the sex that it happens during). I just really want to be hit. But sadly I don't have anyone in my life who fits the required profile :(

Things that get me hot....

www.literotica.com/s/kera-and-the-nannycam

Maybe I should take up babysitting:p

I need to get laid:(

I've never thought of myself as a pervert.

I've been reading The Pervocracy lately and I love the way Holly talks. I generally love the things she says. But she constantly refers to herself as a "pervert" and .... Well I guess my thought is, if she is, I am. Right? I just never would have used that word to describe myself.

I'm well aware that the whole BDSM world is not exactly mainstream. Sure. My first experience with wanting the sex that I want with another person left me feeling like a freak. He was under the impression that I needed counseling. Even more confusing, he would sometimes go along with it, use his belt on me or lightly spank me with his hand, and then turn around and act like something was wrong with me. I didn't discover that there was an actual community of people who are into what I'm into until 3 years after I started having sex. I believe I had heard of BDSM, but until I discovered the community scene online I didn't know that that term described anything I was interested in.

I remember feeling like some kind of outcast. But as soon as that first relationship was over and Mr. you-need-counseling was out of my life, I found this site and others like it. And I started trying to meet men who want what I want (or rather, want to give me what i want, I guess...). And I kind of immediately went public. As in, I told my mother, my sisters, and my friends. I guess I wanted people to know where I was finding these dates at online in case something were to happen. But when I threw it all out there, nobody freaked out. In fact, I found out that my mother, sister, and some of my friends are also more or less kinky. And it wasn't awkward. Well, a little to know that much about my mothers sexual interests but, thank the gods, she didn't give me any detail so it wasn't to awkward.

At this point, most people who know me know that I'm kinky. I don't share details unless someone really wants them but I try not to hide much about myself. It might still shock my grandmother or my brothers to hear, but that's only because they really don't want to know, not because I would have any issue sharing. I suppose I would be uncomfortable sharing with the little bit of extended family I have.....but I'm not close to any of them in the first place.

The point is, these days the whole thing just doesn't feel that out of the ordinary. What with music lately, it actually kind of feels normal. Not just for me, but it feels totally normal to me that it all exists. Even maybe like everyone's a little kinky. And I certainly wouldn't call all these people perverts......

Way back in the day when I was first figuring out that BDSM was a whole thing and not just another example of how broken I am (contrary to what my ex would have liked me to believe), I found an awesome blog. I read it for several months on a regular basis. This women was writing about all her kinky experiences and thoughts and being a complete feminist while she was at it. I almost idolized her. And then, somehow, I lost the website. I closed whatever window I had kept it open on and forget about it for a while. And when I next thought of it I couldn't find it. Couldn't remember what her blog was called.

Today, years later, I stumbled upon it again:)

Holly and The Pervocracy make me happy.

I have this bizarre annoying habit of developing.... I guess crushes, for lack of a better word.. on imaginary people. When I was younger it was on celebrities and characters in books. Lately it seems to be on people I only know via the internet. Granted, the people I talk to online are real (as are celebrities), but most of what i "know" about them is entirely fictional. It's not just a matter of people lying or exaggerating or even the fact that most people when talking about themselves online are going to leave out the less than pleasant personality traits. A lot of it is me. When it comes to talking to people online, if I'm enjoying the conversation, I really seem to build up this idea of what a person is like that has no foundation. I trick myself into thinking that a person is exactly what I want them to be...

And then, if I ever actually meet them, I'm all kinds of annoyed and disappointed to find that we really have nothing in common and/or that this isn't even a person I desire to be in the same room as.

I have an itch that I can't seem to scratch by myself and its driving me crazy! :(

I'm not really a "people pleaser". I don't generally go out of my way to make strangers happy. I'm not aggressive in my every day interactions, but I'm also not really submissive in my every day interactions. I can be a bitch. I can be overly bossy. Just because you claim to be dominant and I call myself submissive doesn't mean I care if the way I act pleases you or not. Strangers bossing me around doesn't, for the most part, do anything for me except piss me off.

I'm generally pretty submissive in the bedroom. But let me be honest, when it comes to casual sex I'm not necessarily looking to please more than I'm looking to be pleased. I have a high sex drive. Sometimes I just need to scratch the itch. I want to know what will excite my partner but if it's just about the sex, I'm probably not going out of my way for you. I do want to make my partner happy. I would never want to sleep with someone I wasn't making happy, that doesn't make any damn sense. But without an emotional connection my desire to please shrinks a good bit. Helpful example, I don't give head casually. It just feels insanely intimate. I know it disappoints (I do hate being disappointing) but I don't do it. It just doesn't fit into the world of casual for me....

It's a completely different story with someone I'm dating....when I'm crazy about you, when I'm in love, making my partner happy suddenly becomes infinitely important and exciting.

I feel a lot like I'm not really sure how "submissive" I really am though. The obvious part I know is sex related. It's what brought this to my attention in the first place.

When it comes to my pleasure, I want things rougher and I'm at a complete loss when expected to be the one in control. When it comes to my partner, trying to guess what someone wants leaves me frustrated and feeling inadequate. I thrive on direction and praise. I NEED to know that I'm making you happy. I find the words "good girl" to be ridiculously exciting (though to be honest I don't think I've quite come to terms with that fact, it embarrasses me a little). The toys excite me but the power dynamic just FITS me.
Out of the bedroom is trickier. I don't know quite what I want or need. But I do know that when I find someone I think I may be compatible with and they tell me that they keep bdsm strictly in the bedroom, I'm disappointed. I have problems with a lot of the words people use. I get stuck on "owned". I'm not property. But I want to belong to someone.... I suppose, I want to give myself to someone, completely but I need to know that they know that if I'm treated badly, if I'm neglected, I will walk away. And the word....it doesn't give that, you know?
I have morals and there are pieces of who I am that are just not going to go away. I don't think I'm willing to completely disappear into someone else. There are of course "hard limits" and they aren't just things I'm not willing to try in the bedroom. I don't think I fit any definition of the term "slave". But I'm mold-able. I'm looking for direction in a lot of areas of life.... And I like the idea of direction coming from a partner I respect and trust.
I've always looked at that sort of old fashioned man being the head of the household relationship and had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm very much a feminist. I don't believe a women should be forced into that sort of relationship and it infuriates me to see someone doing it and being unhappy. But at the same time.....it doesn't look awful to me. I mean, I think I could be happy with a relationship like that. Of course, I need to feel valued. I need to know that if I had an opinion or suggestion that my partner would value and consider it.....but I feel like that's just a given when you care about someone and it doesn't negate the power dynamic.

What kind of submissive, exactly, does that make me?

It's disappointing.

Not exactly a waste of time. It's not like exchanging emails is terribly time consuming. But every time someone pops up for a bit, it almost builds some damn anticipation. I'm tired of looking. To tired maybe. You don't fit me, you aren't what I want, or far to often I'm not what you want. Nor is the next one or the next one.....

This becomes very repetitive.....

I think ball gags are sexy.

But I don't find the drooling even remotely attractive. In fact....I don't know that I'd be okay with using one. I think I'd be terribly paranoid about that:p

Drooling is kind of......eh...just icky lol.

So, whats with this adding someone to your favorites but not messaging them???

I find it weird to have an empty inbox but have the little Admirers thing all lit up.....

You men folk don't seem to be as bold as you want people to believe:p

I haven't been on here regularly in quite a while. Found myself with someone for about 6 months on and off. And since then I feel like I've just been working on getting the hell over that. Didn't end in the most pleasing manner and my heart got a little bruised up. But here I am again:) Ready to make friends...and all that good stuff...

I found this while wandering the net. I'm not really sure why I feel the need to post it...except perhaps that my first reaction after reading it was, "thats me!" (I don't quite fit maybe two). Ha.

Do you have what it takes to be a pleasure slave?

• Does the thought of being tied down, bent over and being used (Insert gratuitously fucked here) excite you?
  
• Do you find yourself dreaming of being a sexual object boy / girl toy a central theme in your fantasies?
  
• Have you found, during your past sexual encounters, you enjoyed pleasing your partner more than pleasing yourself?
• Is there a deep sensual fire burning within you to be set free?
• Do you find yourself wanting it all the time?
• At the core of your being are you a (for lack of a better word) a SLUT?
• Does the thought of someone else having complete control over your sexuality for THEIR pleasure call to you?
• Are you often consumed with thoughts of being loaned or rented out to others for their sexual pleasure ?
• Do you want to be owned?
• Can you let go of everything that you think you are in order to find yourself?
• Are you intelligent, outgoing and capable of learning?

I'm absolutely in love with Halloween. When I was a little kid the month of October was more exciting than December. And it really had nothing to do with the candy..... I've always been drawn to the whole...I don't know, creepy factor. I love the decorations, the haunted houses, the scary movies all over tv. I love the very idea....the idea that your dressing up so that the demons/ghouls/what-not that supposedly come out on Halloween night will mistake you for one of their own. I suspect that to a lot of people Halloween seems like the most pointless holiday......but I think it feels like the most magical one.

The very month of October sets my skin on fire. I love the way the air smells. I love the way the world looks.... I guess I'm pretty crazy about Fall. I really wouldn't enjoy living somewhere that didn't get the change this state gets for Fall. Someone I know used to tell me that fall and winter depressed her....she used to say it was hard not to be sad when everything looked dead or dying. I do not feel that way at all......I get a little more restless feeling this time of year...but its not a bad thing. I feel more alive than ever.

Last year I threw my first Halloween party. I went pretty crazy with it..I spent over $100 on decorations..and over $100 on food....and like $50 on my costume... It was quite a success though. This year I'm not living somewhere that I could throw a party, which is pretty depressing. I wouldn't have had the cash to do what I did last year, but man...planning that party was pretty damn exciting.

A week away.....I'm excited, even though I don't really even have plans yet. I've got a cute costume though, I guess thats worth being excited for....

I look at a lot of profiles on this site and frequently it seems that people have maybe to good an idea of what they want. It seems like a lot of people who call themselves dominant have a very specific idea as to what they're looking for. Knowing what you want certainly isn't a bad thing but I get the impression that said people have this ideal relationship all planned...every detail is pounded out and theres no room for budging. Theres no room for the partner that they find to be a person. Sometimes I get messages on here from men who are apparently informing me of exactly what they have to offer. These messages tend to read as "this is who you'll be and this is who'll I'll be". It bothers me. Thing is, I'm already someone. Far to often it seems as though I'm being propositioned by people who have absolutely no interest in who I am, their interest lies completely in whether or not I can fit into this predetermined mold.

It makes me wonder if an emotional connection, if intimacy and falling in love, are exclusive to "vanilla" relationships. I suppose I'm not completely disenchanted with this whole thing. I've found a handful of people who have bdsm relationships and still seem to be crazy about each other. I'm still hopeful. But frustrated and annoyed. Not to mention wondering if perhaps my idea of a perfect mate is a bit to specific for anyone to ever actually fit it.

Note to those who read the last entry- That WAS NOT an invitation to men who are old enough to be my father! That definitely crosses over into the land of creepy.... :p


What I want......the question I can never quite seem to answer.

This has always been a hard question, regardless of what area of my life its in reference to. I was never able to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up (I'm kind of grown up at this point and I still don't know). I've never been able to pinpoint or communicate exactly what it is that I want out of life. I'm the sort of person who takes an abnormally long time trying to pick what I want for dinner off a menu.

I'm an incredibly indecisive human being. Maybe its a lack of knowing myself....maybe I'm just not in touch with a deeper part of my soul that most people seem to be in touch with. It's frustrating how often this site has me being asked what I want, what I'm looking for.... And I suppose, more frustrating than that, is my inability to come up with much of an answer.

I guess theres the obvious stuff. You know, the smart, funny, attractive, what everyone is looking for. Yes, intelligent is good, sense of humor is needed, and a physical attraction is important. But that all seems sort of cliched. Thats everyones perfect person, right?
And then theres the stuff outlined on my profile. I'm looking for someone older than myself but close-ish to my age. Someone who's serious about being in a relationship. Someone who's also looking for a sort of "happily-ever-after". I want someone who can be dedicated and takes loyalty seriously.
I'm here, on this site, and you don't have to do much scanning to see that I'm looking for someone who qualifies as "dominant". But it seems like that means different things to different people. Me? I mean it in a sort of completely opposite from me sense. My ideal dominant man is one who takes charge and knows what he wants, in all (or most) areas of his life. He's aggressive when he wants something, but he knows when its appropriate and when it isn't. He doesn't let people walk on him, he can stand up for himself and his beliefs, but it doesn't make him violent. He's protective and maybe a little possessive.....but not in a sense that brings to mind crazy jealousy...he's got to be equally secure. He's respectful and able to consider others opinions and input objectively.  
Hm....those aren't all exactly opposite of me... I ran away with it:p
What else am I looking for? Spontaneity, sense of adventure..... Someone good with people, outgoing, and social. My lack of being those things makes me admire them greatly in other people....I'm rather drawn to people who are what I wish I was.
I need somebody who values goodness. Someone who can be attentive, someone who can be gentle and reassuring when its needed. He needs to be patient. Important, because its hard to get anywhere with me if you aren't. At the same time he needs to be able to push things. I sometimes require it......I dig my heels in at weird moments and I've yet to learn how to push myself.
And then theres the wonderfully complicated issue of....I'd love to find someone who knows when to be patient with me and when to push me. I'm willing to concede that that might require a mind reader, and I don't NEED him to be a mind reader (it'd be nice though:p). What I need is someone willing to care....and willing to learn me. And be open with me so I can in turn learn him. Tricky business:p

I'm running out of steam here. But I think I got a good bit beyond smart, funny, and attractive. If it wasn't far enough, maybe I'll have a sequel.