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| Dear Potential Partner,
Sometimes communicating is difficult for me. I have a lot to say and sometimes it doesn’t come out right. I’ve assembled a list of needs. I hope you have the time to read them and the courage to initiate a discussion with me later about them. I hope you are able to guide a conversation about them. I keep my fingers crossed that you will recognize when I’m overwhelmed by this new concept (having needs and having the right to have them met) and allow me the time to feel whatever range of emotion I’m going to feel, being there to provide the appropriate level of support, and to try again later. I want you to keep trying to have this difficult conversation with me because it’s necessary and important.
Thanks!
I need to feel some sense of equality. Despite what happens together or apart, I need to feel that at the end of the day I’m the center of your universe just as you are the center of mine.
I need you to have a great poker face. I need to trust that you won’t laugh, cringe, or otherwise show discomfort with the stories I will tell you and the advice I will seek. I need you to be comfortable knowing that you will become the person who knows me better than I know myself. I need to trust that you will use that knowledge for good, positive, and productive means to build me up not to destroy me.
I need you to be a cheerleader :P Not someone who wears super tight clothing or someone who wants to pick me up and put me on their shoulders only to look up the skirt I won’t be wearing, but someone who can cheer me up when I’m having a rough day. Someone who I can focus on because they know exactly what to say. I don’t need someone to know right off the bat, but I need someone who is interested in developing that magical skill over time.
I need you to be proud of me. I need you to accept that your opinion matters and that I desire to make you proud. Because I’m not content with living in some sort of basement setup for the rest of my life and being completely dependent on you for everything, I’ll be making some decisions that you won’t get to have a say in. These decisions might range from, “what food in the cafeteria at work is least likely to make me puke?” to more important matters like … “which bra doesn’t make my ass look big” (if you’re paying attention, you should be laughing). I need you to trust that the decisions I make will meet with your approval. I need praise for making decisions consistent with your beliefs/ideas/opinions/goals/etc for me and I need feedback when my choice isn’t.
I need you to accept that I get clingy. I need you to understand that I panic when I can’t get ahold of you for longer than “usual”. My mind tends to go in a million directions as the result of previous abandonment. If you can’t accept that you might get a 3am phone call when the sky is falling (or the smoke detector just won’t STFU) or a few texts during the day – I don’t think it will work.
I need to know that I can depend on you to give me enough rope to explore, but not enough to hang myself. I need to know that if I get hit on I can bring someone over and you can decide how to handle them. Perhaps I need some sort of secret code … assholes are introduced as, “Daddy, my new friend ___________ wants to ___________.” While people who seem douche-free simply get a “Daddy, this is ______________.” The second allows you to ask the question and handle the negotiating…because left to my own devices there is very little I wouldn’t negotiate away. I don’t like that about myself and I’d like your help to manage those boundaries for me. If you can’t manage your boundaries, there is no hope of you managing mine. So yes, I need you to have clear boundaries for yourself and for me. I’d like some input on what those boundaries might be when they involve others.
I need to know that at the end of the day you value our relationship and can be a responsible slut. I need to know that I’m a primary. I don’t need to come first/second/or in any specific order, but I need to know that at the end of the night it’s the two of us snuggled up in bed, not one of us left alone wondering what the other is doing. I have no issue hearing of your sexploits with others or sharing mine.
I need you to be for me what I am still in the early stages of figuring out for myself. I need you to be the one who forces the tough conversations because my happiness matters to you as much as your happiness matters to me. I’m not looking for you to free me from personal responsibility, but I am looking for you to recognize it’s going to take time before I feel comfortable enough to get everything all out in a coherent and organized manner the first time we talk about it.
I need you to be patient. If you’re into patients that might work too – I’m kindasortanotreally into medical play. Colored non-latex gloves for the win!
I’ll admit it, I’m insecure. I like the idea of involving others. Fuck, on paper it seems awesome. The reality isn’t always so grand. I like knowing that we can be adults and have conversations about our concerns. I don’t think we need the power to veto others, but I do think we need some ground rules that protect both of us. I need to know that until there is significantly negotiated power exchange that I get a say. I need to always know that you want to hear my voice - that it matters. I need to know you’ll drag it out of me if necessary, because you value me too much to allow me to sit there silent when something is bothering me. I’m not expecting you to do what I want all the time. But I do need to know that you consider all the variables before making a decision that impacts both of us and the other(s) involved.
I need to know that I can count on you to be there for me as I will be there for you after play with others. I like knowing that at times others will be warm-up for you, just as your other partners will be warm-up for us.
I need to believe you can teach me new things. Be them new ways of doing things I already know how to do, teaching me to enjoy new things – both sexual and nonsexual. I need to know that you enjoy giving this as much as I love receiving. I need to trust that you’ll keep that poke face on when I embarrass myself :P For those of you who are into the whole innocent virgin thing… I’ve got you covered. While not a roleplay experience, I’m like the virgin that just won’t deflower. For me (and hopefully not us) sex is awkward and confusing and overwhelming and I try to make sense of it. Sometimes this processing happens without your knowledge, and sometimes I ask questions that demonstrate that innocence you hopefully crave and that you’ll deliver your answer with a poker face plastered on, or at least keep the giggling to yourself. Are you lost? Let me help. Think Hummers. :)
I need to know that I can ask you anything and you’ll not only answer it, but consider what I might be asking or why I’m asking. Sometimes I ask questions when I’m uncomfortable or uncertain. I need you to help me move beyond that discomfort so I can enjoy our time together, even when anxious.
I need to learn that I can count on you to be consistent with your expectations. I seek ritual because it helps me anticipate how xyz should happen. It helps quiet my brain. I no longer have to worry that the first time I did xyz I was wearing something green and you were standing to my left. All I have to remember is that you like xyz a certain way and go for it. I don’t need to be micromanaged (usually), but I need you to be observant enough to recognize when mere ritual isn’t sufficient and I need more intense scripting to move beyond a cognitive obstacle to make both of us happy.
I need to know that you have a sadistic side. Not necessarily into hurting or bringing pain, but I need to know that you are comfortable with my discomfort. I need to know that on some level it arouses you as much as my discomfort (within reason) can arouse me. I don’t seek you to punish me. I’m a big girl, I can ask to be hit --- again, why I need you to be the one who seeks that discomfort. Because trust me, little is more uncomfortable for me than asking to have my desires met. This includes asking for cuddles.
I need you to be ok with tears. I need you to allow me to experience the depth of emotion that results in them. I need you to manage your discomfort and allow me that space to be vulnerable. Sharing that vulnerability is difficulty – knowing I can count on you to keep me safe is what makes it possible.
I need you to be playful and allow me to play. The flip side is that I need you to be able to manage me. I can be a brat, I can be manipulative. I like pushing buttons and I cannot lie :) I need to know that I can count on you to draw that line and hold me accountable.
So, I think this might be the end of my needs. I’m thinking that I should probably figure out what the heck it is that I want. I know some of these seem like things that are “wants” and not true “needs”, but for me…right now as I get ready to post they are things I need to feel safe, cared for, and able to be open to the possibility of meeting someone else’s needs. I realize that over time my needs may shift, they may simply become wants, new needs may surface and all that… but this is where I’m at in this moment :P
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| Age: 50 |
| Diss,
United Kingdom |
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