Yesterday, I read this really touching journal entry from a Master to a slave. It was all about how sometimes he forgets to appreciate the little things that she does for him and all of the details that she remembers every day. He said that he knows that her goal in life is to fill his "happiness balloon" every day.

That really touched me and it made me realize that I could be perfectly happy as a housewife/slave whose highest goal is to make my Husband/Master's life better and fill his happiness balloon. I still doubt I'll start to identify as a slave, but I think I could be happy there.

A Work of Speculative Fiction

Dear Master,

    I thought of you today when I was bored and lonely. I thought of how your hands feel when they touch me. I thought of how I get goosebumps when you put your hand in my hair. I thought of how much I love when you pull my head back and kiss me hard and rough to let me know that I am yours. I thought about how your fingertips dig into the flesh of my breasts when you knead them with your strong, callused hands. I thought about the way your voice in my ear sends shivers down my spine when you tell me I'm yours or call me a whore. I thought about the hardness of your cock when you press against me after you've beaten me. I thought about the way I want to please you more than I want to escape the pain. I thought about your face, contorted with pleasure, as you take me like the whore that I am for you. I thought of the satisfaction I see in your face through my tears after you've pushed me farther than I thought I could go. I thought of your chuckle when I try to talk my way out of whatever you're about to do to me. I thought of the pleasure you bring me when you tell me I'm a good girl.

    I thought of kissing your body from head to toe. I thought of how salty your skin will taste and how warm it will be under my tongue. I thought of how hard your nipples will get when I lick and suck on them. I thought of the quiet sounds of pleasure that will escape your lips as I lick the soles of your feet, and kiss each toe. I thought of the way your body will tense just slightly when I drag my tongue slowly along the underside of your cock, licking you from base to tip and then wrap my lips around the tip. I thought of how your hands will find my head and your fingers will knot themselves in my hair as you arch your hips to my waiting lips and direct the motion of my head. I thought of the moment of panic that will happen when you hold my head down and I run out of breath. I thought of the way my pussy will get wetter with every sigh and moan. I thought of how you will spread your legs wide and push me down further to lick your ass. I thought of the way you will growl as you push me onto my back and immediately enter me. I thought of how the pain of your nails digging into my breasts will intensify my pleasure. I thought of the sound of my voice when you order me to beg for my release and the fear that you will not grant it. I thought of the pride I will feel when you push your cock into my mouth and fill my belly with your cum. I thought of the pleasure of pleasing you.

I thought of all these things as I played with my pussy and I said your name when I climaxed. I am anxious to see you tonight.

Always,
Your slave

    So, I realized tonight that I truly do love to play the power game. When I say "the power game" what I mean is the game that a lot of us s-types seem to play where we try our best to talk our way out of bottoming but usually end up hurting more in the long run, instead of less.

    I love that game. I love being pursued. I love the playfulness of trying everything I can to get out of whatever the Top is going to do and I love the fact that the Top typically does it despite my protestations to the contrary. There are few things that are more delicious than when I've been dancing with a Top about playing for a while and then he gives me the look, crooks his finger at me, grabs me by the hair, or simply asks if I'm ready, and I know that the dance is over and now it's time to pay the piper, and his price is often very high.

    I realized that when I say "no," I typically mean one of two things:

1. Before a scene, "no" tends to mean "Make me."
2. During a scene, "no" tends to mean "That really hurts and I'm afraid of the next swat/scratch/tickle/etc."

    It's rare that I actually mean "no" and, in a scene, "no" pretty much never actually means "no." When I'm bottoming and the Top is doing something that is really causing me to suffer, it's somehow relieving to say "No, no, no, please no!" It also allows me to tell the Top how much he's hurting me in a way that is pleasing to his ears and doesn't leave me feeling like I have too much power as using the color system sometimes does. I get to beg for mercy and allow the Top to decide whether he will give it to me rather than forcing his hand by coloring.

A recent conversation with a friend made me think of how many people I know who consider BDSM an expression of darkness - either bringing out the darkness inside of them or taking in the darkness of others. It's darkness, and wickedness, and sometimes it's anger.

It's not for me; it's not darkness - darkness frightens, confuses, and sometimes infuriates me - it's light, and love, and joy. My service comes from a desire to please and to help and to bring light. My service comes from a place inside me that wants the whole world to be able to smile as often and as freely as I do. My service comes from a place where I know that I can't fix the brokenness I see inside my friends, but hopes that I can make it easier to bear.

My service comes from light - and that's why I'm so eager to share it.

My service comes from love - and that's why I'm good at what I do.

My service brings me joy - and that's why I offer it so willingly.

I think that makes me a little bit unique. That makes me happy. And, in the end, that's my goal in life.

I think I've realized why I'm so dissatisfied with the Houston scene and the way that BDSM in general seems to be heading. For a while, I thought that I didn't like the fact that many of the people who are coming into the community along with many of its "elders" are really more like kinky swingers, and the focus of BDSM has become so sexual. I realized today that it's not that I don't like the focus or am judging the people who use S&M as foreplay or believe that sexuality is the best way to experience power exchange - it's just not what I want. I don't want a relationship that's based on sexuality and I don't want D/s or S&M as a means to get laid. Sex is easy to get - even for a fat chick - and that's not what I entered into BDSM to get. I entered into BDSM for the trust and the power exchange and the ability to feel safe and secure in knowing that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I am a service-oriented submissive. I am domestic and want nothing more than to manage life for a D-type so that his life becomes smooth and efficient. I want to have a schedule and expectations and I want to be told no sometimes.

What I want is, apparently, really hard to find, so that's why I feel dissatisfied.

I know that CM isn't really the place to be looking for protocol-focused relationships, but it is, in fact, a good place to kind of vent.

For a while, I thought that it would be nice to find a Mr. Right Now. You know, someone with whom I could spend time and play without developing a real relationship - someone to keep me occupied until Mr. Right comes along. I thought wrong. Last night I realized that I cannot be satisfied with only that. I need that connection that is both instant and gradual: I instantly know that it is possible, and then it gradually grows. Not only do I need that connection to be satisfied with the relationship, I also need something close to that connection in order to really enjoy s&m with someone - to bottom in a way that satisfies me I have to feel connected to the Top behind me. Also, in order to take the kind of pain that most of the Tops I know want to dish out, I have to be connected in some way that makes me want to please the Top who's playing me by enduring beyond my personal preferences or even enjoyment.

I used to be able to play with whomever,  whenever and have a really good time at it. Now, I can't really do that very often in a way that satisfies me. I can bottom for my friends if they need a crash text dummy, and I can give them intelligent feedback about their technique or how it feels for the bottom, and that is satisfying because I'm helping someone else to grow and develop their skills. I can also bottom for someone who has a skill that I want to experience, and that is satisfying because my curiosity is satiated and I usually completely enjoy the things that I decide that I want to try. The problem is that neither of those kinds of satisfactions are the same as the one I get when I play with a man to whom I feel connected.

All of that to say that I never really understood how necessary that animal connection really is. Not a sexual connection, but a raw and visceral connection one that happens when my energy meshes with the energy of the one I'm bottoming to. That's what I need to play and enjoy my BDSM.

    So many men talk about their cocks being served. So many men seem to simply take up the dominant role in a relationship so that they can have a mouth, cunt, or ass in which to put their cocks whenever they want to. I think what these men actually need is a Fleshlight or a blow-up doll.

    I wonder how many women are actually interested in a D/s relationship in which their sole purpose is to serve the man's cock and simply have their holes ready and waiting to have a cock shoved in them. I also wonder how many women in this kind of relationship are actually satisfied. Come to think of it, I wonder how many of these men find themselves completely satisfied.

Lately, I've had several people tell me that they think I'm not really submissive, but more of a dominant bottom. These aren't just the usual jackasses who have everything all cut up into neat little defined boxes, but people who truly think about things and who, well, aren't jackasses.

This bothers me. I am submissive in nature and I identify as a servant because I don't really see myself as totally falling into even the loose boxes that are the general consensus of what a slave or a submissive is. Someone once asked me what my kink is, and I said "Submission is my kink." Serving someone else, belonging to that person, knowing that I'm the one who is making him happy and making his life easier is what makes me happy. Having rules and protocols provides me with a sense of calm and security that I've not found anywhere else. Some of my most content moments have been sitting at my Master's feet after an evening spent pleasing him and not having to think, decide, or choose.

I am the leader of a club and that gives me a lot of responsibility and I believe that in order to effectively serve both my club and the community at large, I have to get things done and this takes strength and the ability to make decisions and delegate.

I am a submissive leader and I am in service to The Kiddie Pool and, therefore, to the Houston Kinky Community.

I think part of the reason that I seem so Toppy is that I've not really been in a submissive position in so long. I've bottomed a lot and I've some service type things for people, but I've not belonged to someone in a very long time. I think this causes two things:
1. Much of my behavior is the direct result of my leadership position and those responsibilities require me to be decisive and to take a more dominant stance.
2. People in the Houston community haven't seen me in a submissive role and so they have nothing with which to compare my current behavioral patterns.

What I really need is someone to reign me in and allow me to truly be myself - to truly be a servant. While I know that it's unlikely that I will find "Dom Charming" any time soon, I would very much like to be in service to someone even for just a night.

    I call myself a wussy subbie. I am a masochist, but I say that I am a wuss - it's mostly a joke, because I can actually take a lot of pain, but I am a real wuss when I don't get enough warm-up . So, I say that I'm a wussy subbie. In fact, I own a message board called The Wussy Subbies Club.

    This is what frustrates me: people who have seen me bottom know that I can take a lot, but what they don't realize is that there has been a decent amount of warm-up before Top X starts really laying into me. People also don't know that when I've taken a lot it has been because I was bottoming for the release of being brought to tears. When I'm just playing for the fun of it, it's a whole different headspace and my reactions to pain are *very* different when I'm not doing it for the express purpose of crying. 

    I can get into the scene and really get into the pain and the sensations of being hit without that need to cry, but I can't do it if I don't have warm-up to allow my body to acclimate itself to the pain and to release the chemicals it needs to really enjoy the flogger or whip. So, I guess that I need to start letting Tops know that I can be a very enjoyable bottom if they just give me some warm-up.

So, I'm an English major and a lover of words. I tend to really think about the words that I use, especially in our community. So, I've been thinking about the word "Sir" and how I use it versus how other girls use it.

Now, I don't have any issue with how other girls use the word, I just think it's interesting to compare it to what I do. I use "Sir" as a title of affection and respect. If a person's title is Sir What's His Face, I'm going to call him Sir What's His Face if I don't know him well enough to have affection for him, or if I don't respect him. I'll do this if he's been introduced to me as Sir What's His Face, but I'll never simply address him as "Sir." On the other hand, even if a person hasn't asked me to call him Sir, if he is a D-type and I like and respect him, I will call him Sir. I know a lot of girls who call every Dominant male "Sir" regardless of their own feelings about that person, and I simply cannot do it.

It's such a little word, but it really does have a world of meaning behind it for me.

Anyway, it was just a thought.

I'm a very curious person. Sometimes I'm curious about things that no one else seems to be curious about. For example, I sometimes wonder how deaf people think - do they think in pictures, text, or do they "hear" their thoughts in a similar way to the way I "hear" my thoughts? That's the kind of off the wall stuff I think about when I'm bored.

Not all of my curiosities are that odd, though, and most are much less personal. These are things like "What does (insert s&m activity here) feel like?" These curiosities are usually pretty easily satisfied because people here in Houston are usually very happy to let me experience whatever has made me curious.

Anyway, I've been wondering what happens when people make that switch into little mode. I saw one of my friends slip into her little the other night and hear her speech change and everything. So, I'm wondering what that's like. Is is an actual change, like someone with a multiple personality or is it a translation of adult thoughts into baby-talk? And then I'm curious about the switch back to adulthood: is it shocking or disconcerting? I'm gonna have a little sit-down with my friend and see if she can explain it to me.

So, I've read lots of journal entries on here which talk about how rude it is to not respond to an email. Well, here's my thing: sometimes I'll get an email to which I have no idea how to respond. Maybe I don't understand the email due to typos or grammatical mistakes (yes, yes, this does happen - even to those of us who are fluent in typoneese) or maybe I understand it, but don't know how to respond to what I've understood.

Either way, sometimes a reply is impossible.

So, I have gotten a couple of emails that say: "Are you really 300lbs or did you just say that to keep the trolls away?"

If you feel the need to send me that email, don't bother because I *am* really 300lbs and YOU are probably just the troll that I'm trying to keep away.

I feel sorry for skinny people because they don't have the answer to all their problems like we fat people do. In my experience, nearly every physical or emotional problem I've had has been met with the same advice: "If you lose weight you won't be so tired/depressed/irritated/frustrated/lonely/hot/cold/etc."

 
It must be hard being a skinny person and having to find solutions to issues. For example, what does a skinny person do when s/he gets depressed? S/he can't do the easy solution that we fat people can; oh no, instead s/he has to, you know, seek medical help and stuff. That costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time whereas losing weight actually saves money and provides more time.

Pooooooooooooooor skinny people.

I started 2011 off right - with an act of service to a dear friend. :) Yay for great beginnings!

I was just reading the profile of this 28 year old Domme who demands that a person show that s/he's really interested in becoming her slave by sending her a gift or cash on her PayPal account. Then, when you have shown that you're truly interested, you are given the privelege of purchasing a cam session. Or you *might* be allowed to purchase her used socks and underclothes.

Man, I gotta get into that racket.

I feel like I'm obligated to post a journal entry about all of the "fakes and flakes" on this site. I also feel like I'm obligated to ask in said journal entry if there are any "real people" on this site.

Naaaaaaw. :P

So, be prepared for a new Chaos. I've always been pretty honest; partly because I'm too lazy to lie and keep track of my lies, but mostly because I want people to be honest with me. Over the last few months, I have made a lot of decisions, assumptions, and inferences because I've not asked the questions that I actually wanted to ask for fear of offending, scaring, or chasing away the person that I wanted to ask.

Well, there will be no more of that. From now on, I'm going to try to always just ask what I want to know and not try to figure out the answer based on conversations, actions, or interactions. So be prepared for direct questions and transparency from me. It will be hard for me, but I'm going to make an effort to be totally upfront. Not rude or inconsiderate, just honest.

 I know that we s-types aren't supposed to have demands and requirements, but I just realized that I have a new one.

If you want to be my Dom then you need to be able to commit enough that you can message, text, email. call, or in some way communicate with me every day. If I'm not important enough for you to make time to communicate with me on a daily basis, then I assume that I'm not important enough for you to think about me every day and if I'm not important enough for you to think about me every day, then I don't want to be with you.

So, from now on, that will be one of the first things I say to a potential Dom: If you can't commit to communicating with me every day, then I can't commit to serving you. Period.

This is one of my favorite passages of scripture and it pretty effectively describes the kind of woman, wife, and S-type that I want to be.

Proverbs 31:10 - 31 (NIV)

<sup>10 [b

]</sup>A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

It's not that I want to be a farm girl, but rather, this woman makes decisions based on what she knows her Husband will want. She is so skilled in running his household that he is able to spend his days at the city gates with the elders and doesn't have to worry about his house or what his wife is doing. That is what I want to be.

I was reading a discussionon and someone answered a question about s-types being wired for submission and what that means for s-types who are not submissive in personality. I loved the answer that she gave because it describes me very well:

I am service oriented. I am driven by a desire to succeed in the name of another. I crave feeling useful. I submit because it gives an order and a hierarchy to my life that makes sense to me. I submit because it is a way that allows me to see a certain kind of "pride of ownership" coming from the man I love with all of myself. I gobble up that pride...it's an aphrodisiac and a balm. I submit to my Master because it feeds some warm dark place inside of me that I cannot put a name to. I submit to Master because, doing so gives me a way to step outside of myself and not be alone anymore within myself. I submit when it's not easy because of my willpower and because I look at those times as a way to achieve a greater depth of the pledge and promise I have made to Master and to myself.