This rant has been in existence for a long time. I just never wrote it down before. But it's a running joke with a few friends in the scene because it's my favorite ex-boyfriend rant.

First, Ye Olde Disclaimer: I am 100% sure that many many people have fantastic anal sex with amazing partners. I have even on a few sparse occasions had good anal sex. I'm not hating on anal sex. This rant is about my sad sad personal experiences, and is to be read with a tongue firmly planted in one's cheek. Or, I'd actually prefer if someone turned it into a drinking game. Don't take me too seriously. This isn't about you.

It had to come out sometime, so here we go:

AN ASSHOLE IS NOT A VAGINA YOU SELFISH PRICK

So, sometimes someone asks me why anal sex is a hard limit for me. Well, there are a few reasons, including that I have been raped anally, and that I just really don't enjoy the sensation, but by far the pryawn) Also, you are just an asshole on legs to him.

The Anal Virgin

He has waited his entire adult life to finally experience anal sex! You can do this for him, right? You're an awesome girlfriend, right? You'll do him the massive awesome favor, right? Get ready to be guilted into making someone else happy! Yay! What's that, it's his birthday tomorrow, and he wants you to go through this difficult thing under the massive pressure of giving him a great birthday gift? Of course it is!

Why he is a pain in the ass: He doesn't understand the first thing about anal sex. Absolutely nothing. He will literally expect you to do everything yourself. Because, despite all these years of watching anal porn and wishing he could poke his prick in that forbidden orifice, he has never actually spent any time whatsoever teaching himself about how to have safe and not-excruciating anal sex. Bring your own douche, lube, plugs, towels... and condoms. He probably doesn't even know about condoms...

The Sly Suggester

You're in the middle of sex, building up to a fantastic orgasm and he suddenly pipes up: "Hey, can we do anal?" "What, right now?" "Yeah, oh please o please o please." This will also be the first time he has ever suggested anal. He's doing this now because he hopes that the middle of sex will be a good time to coerce you into doing something you haven't agreed to or even talked about beforehand. He has nothing he needs to make this easy for you. You can be guaranteed that he doesn't have lube. If you bring this up he'll look at you all googly eyed like you just killed a puppy with your vagina. Like, how could you possibly refuse him the opportunity to injure you because he feels like sticking his dick up a butt right fucking now?

Why he is a pain in the ass: If he actually knows anything about anal sex, he doesn't care. This selfish prick just wants to make himself happy, and you don't factor in. If you continue with sex in this case, you may just meet The Woopsie.

The Woopsie

This prick goes for broke. You'll be having vaginal sex and suddenly he'll shift and try ram his cock into your ass without warning. On purpose. Not only is this asshole a rapist, he also deserves to go to prison and have a guy twice his size repay him the favor. I don't think it is possible to describe how painful this is when someone is unprepared for it. I can't imagine anything more selfish and disrespectful. I will very calmly skewer to death the next guy who tries this shit with me.

Why he is a pain in the ass: I called him "the woopsie" because he'll try to play it off as if it wasn't intentional. "Woopsie!" He'll say. "Oh, since I'm inside anyway now, can I fuck your asshole?"

The Repeated Accident

Look, genuine, er, slip ups do occur. But this guy doesn't seem to be able to make a simple deduction that position X leads to an unfortunate and very painful slip up. So he keeps going back to position X. The slip up happens again and again. But he doesn't really understand how much it hurts, so he doesn't really care. He will also try to convince you to have anal sex with him, even though he has injured you several times, seriously expecting you'd be up for it.

Amusing story: After a slip, he sits there, holding his cock and saying, "Ouch, that really hurt me, look I'm bleeding." I am literally in so much pain that I cannot move, and this is a good thing, because if I could move, I would walk to the kitchen, find a spoon, and gauge his testicles out of his nut sack with it. "That's my blood, asshole. Now you have to take me to the hospital so I can be stitched up and put on antibiotics." Like, he couldn't comprehend that if his dick hurt so much from shoving it into me, that I would be hurt 100 times more, and he actually expected me to be sympathetic towards him. He still asked for anal sex.

The Toddler

This guy doesn't know about enemas. He also doesn't know what anal sex feels like when an anus is not very clean. You know, kinda like sandpaper on an extremely sensitive surface, like an eyeball. So he's pretty content to slosh around in shit, get shit everywhere and probably will wipe shit off on something you really don't want covered in shit.

Why he's a pain in the ass: It'll be at your place. On fresh sheets.

The Wandering Finger

This guy has an education problem, and a problem with asking for what he wants. He's heard about men getting orgasms when their prostate is stimulated by finger. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to realize that women don't have a prostate. He's either afraid to ask for anal sex, or he's been told no but reckons with a little bit of stimulation... Long story short, this is the finger trying to weedle it's way into your unprepared unwelcoming ass every two minutes. It doesn't matter how many times you pull it out, push it away or say "Stop that". It keeps trying.

Why he's a pain in the ass: He also doesn't get hygiene. That finger is going straight back to your vagina, or worse, he'll try getting you to suck it. Or he'll leave and you'll find he smeared it across your pillow. He wonders why you never invite him back.

The Inconsiderate Rimee (courtesy of littleredsubmarine)

The dude who loves being rimmed, and asks/begs/orders you to lick his arsehole during sex (or otherwise just plants it right in your face without so much as a preparatory "INCOMING!"), but hasn't had the fucking decency to clean himself properly beforehand. Oh, but he's a domly dom and you as a twue subly sub must do as he orders, regardless of how bad it smells or, even worse, how bad it tastes. Ugh. Mind you, this is the same douchebag "dom" who demands that you be clean-shaven and smelling of roses for him at all times.

The Switcheroo

Either doesn't use condoms, or thinks he can use one condom without changing it. He likes to fuck you vaginally, then go for anal, and then, without cleaning himself, or changing his condom, and without warning, go straight back into your vagina or your mouth. His overall dedication to protection will be lax. He will typically only turn up for sex with one condom, and it'll frequently "get lost", resulting in him attempting to bareback you, often without asking if it's okay.

Why he's a pain in the ass: Hello STI's! Also, I don't get these guys. Seriously, an E. Coli infection that causes PID, is not like a little yeast infection. You put your partner as such high risk, I have to question whether you give a fuck at all about her safety. Prick! Prick! Prick!

The Second Vagina

You agree to have anal sex. But this guy doesn't have any patience. Basically he thinks an anus is a vagina, which is boggling because if he thought this was true, his enthusiasm for anal doesn't really make sense... He thinks that if he rubs your clit a little bit, your anus will get wet, make it's own lubrication, open up wide and let him in. He's an anal virgin with a time limit. Basically when you say yes, you can be guaranteed he'll be trying to shove it up you in less than 30 seconds. He doesn't know how to stimulate an anus, he doesn't know how to stretch an anus, he actually probably won't even be able to find your anus unless you show him where it is.

Why he's a pain in the ass: He ruins your experience. He'll make it so uncomfortable that within 2 minutes you'll have to ask him to stop. He'll also try and make you feel guilty if you can't do what he wants you to do because he's doing it wrong. Every time you try again, he'll react in exactly the same way: full steam ahead.

The Negotiator

Bi-curious, in order to get anal sex, he tries to make you an offer: you get to peg him and then he gets to fuck your asshole. Except you're not interested in pegging him. With anything that isn't made of shards of glass. Basically, his clever little plot is to satisfy himself twice, with you doing all the work. O, by the way, he doesn't know anything about anal sex, so first you will have to prep him and fuck him (for his enjoyment), and then you'll have to prep yourself (for his enjoyment). You also have to provide all the gear needed, even though you have no interest in actually owning any of it. This sounds like less fun than cleaning an oven with the gas on.

Why he's a pain in the ass: Nothing like someone telling you they consider you to be both stupid and easy to manipulate. Refer them to a pro-domme. With really high fees. Tell her he's really really into massive dildos.

HOW TO NOT BE ONE OF THESE PRICKS

1. Be honest about what you need sexually, and whether your partner is actually a good match.
2. Talk about what you want outside of the bedroom, before any clothes come off.
3. Be gracious enough to accept a "No". Coercion is not sexy. Whining is not sexy. Pressure isn't sexy. Guilt isn't sexy. No means no.
4. Understand that pornography is unrealistic. There is a lot of behind the scenes prep and a lot of acting involved.
5. Learn about the physiology of the anus. Get it into your head that it isn't a vagina, and anal sex feels nothing like vaginal sex.
6. Make the effort to read about how to have anal sex. Speak to someone who can teach you. Consider approaching someone who can teach you. It's not like vaginal sex. You don't just stick it in. Porn doesn't count.
7. Protection is paramount. Cleanliness is super important. Don't be stupid. Too many STI fuck ups are because people were being lazy and stupid. Infections are not sexy.
8. It doesn't just happen. It takes a lot of time. Chances are, it won't happen the way you hoped the first few times.
9. The moment it becomes just about you, is the moment the other person is over it.
10. Help clean up.

So you're new to all of this. You've been talking to a man who happens to be a dom. He asks you to meet and you agree. You then have the forsight to stipulate that there will be no sex on this first meeting. The dom then says "goodbye" and that's it. Interest over. You then decide to ask a group of strangers on the internet if you were in the right.

Why?

Disregard the D/s aspect of this situation. Put it to one side. Now imagine you were on an online dating site, totally vanilla. You arrange to meet a man, you stipulate that you won't be having sex with them on this first date. The man isn't too impressed with this and cuts off the contact.

Now. Let me ask you a question.

Would you then go around asking strangers if you were right to do this? Was refusing sex with a man you have never met, a good idea? I'm betting the answer you gave was a resounding no. You would be thinking that you had a lucky escape. Now let me ask you another question.

Why do you think that just because the man called himself a dom, you need to question your decision? Even if you're ignorant to the ways of how all of this kinky shit works, surely you aren't THAT lacking in common sense to realise that yes, you were within your rights to refuse sex with a dom that you haven't submitted to. If not then seriously, in my opinion, you shouldn't be talking to them in the first place. What you should be doing is educating yourself. Reading and asking questions.

Do you really think it's a good idea to abandon your common sense the moment you walk through the BDSM door? Do you really think it's a good idea to second guess decisions that you wouldn't hesitate over in the vanilla world? No? Then why the fuck do it? You're dealing with potentially dangerous stuff here. Now is not the time to throw caution to the wind and act like an idiot.

If you had common sense in the vanilla world, bring it in with you. Here are some basics. Things you should already be aware of if you're talking to doms and shopping around for one.

1) Until you submit to someone, you don't owe them anything.

• You don't owe them obedience
• you don't owe them sex
• you don't owe them exclusivity of your body, your submission or your conversation (Just because you're talking to one dom, does not mean you have to cease talking to all other ones.)
• you don't owe them nekkid photos of yourself
• you don't owe them ANYTHING that you aren't prepared to give and know you won't regret it at a later date.

2) If after you've refused to do something to a d-type you haven't submitted to, that d-type comes out with

• If you were a real sub you'd do it
• Real subs aren't like that
• To be a real sub you HAVE to be into pain
• If you were a real sub, you'd obey me

You then have a choice. You can either believe them, or you can do what everyone else does which is laugh at them and tell them to fuck off.

3) Anyone who uses the terms True or Real when describing themselves or their ideal partner, on the whole, tends not to know what they're talking about. And you should restrain yourself from using them too. These words when used in a certain context aren't looked favourably upon.

I'd also avoid falling into another trap. Newbie slave arrives, all turned on and fired up by the fantasy of totally surrendering to a master, declaring herself willing to be totally at the master's mercy, even to the point if letting him decide whether she lives or not. Now while this is a hot fantasy for many, it's clearly a fantasy, and yes there are actually people who want and live that fantasy. But let's dial back the confusing fantasy and reality for now eh? Declaring that you're not only new but want that kind of relationship is at best going to get you laughed at and people will avoid you because you're obviously going to be a danger. At worst it's going to attract some serious nut jobs and you could end up permanently harmed or even dead.

If you're doing this sensibly (and lets be honest, why would you do it any other way), then you'll already know all of this. These are well established basics both in the BDSM world and in the vanilla world (Variations of). So why the hell should you forget them when talking to potential doms?! If you haven't educated yourself, prepared yourself then you're going to be in for one hell of a shock if you latch onto the first person who shows an interest in you. That's when the dangerous stuff happens. Do you really want to put yourself in a tricky situation just because you didn't bother to educate yourself and use the common sense you had when you turned up here? The same can be said for declaring you have no limits when you're a newbie. Someone will take you at your word and that's when trouble starts.

My advice? Don't put yourself out there where because of your ignorance and lack of common sense, you're not only a danger to yourself but to others. Wait until you've learned a bit. Don't be eager for a D/s relationship that you dive straight into one based on the fact that they showed an interest in you.

Seriously. You were born with a brain, use it.