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| Bi-Sub female in a committed relationship.
He doesn't flog. I need a good one. really. seriously.
Shit is crazy in my world and he doesn't understand that subspace is one of only two places that the world stops screaming at me...precious minutes...
I need an expert. Not someone who kinda knows what they are doing. Someone who understands the intricancies of getting someone to subspace, the fine points of great flogging.
Prefer a female, as I have standing permission for a girl. But, if that is not possible, i'll find a way. Maybe have your girlfriend there so I am technically not lying. Ok, I will be. But maybe she flogs me too.
All I know is that the world is screaming at me and it sounds a bit mental to someone who doesn't understand, but for my fellow subs who do get it...yeah...sometimes there is no substitute for leather on skin...
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You don't know what to do with my submission. You don't understand. You think my being a submissive means that you can treat me like i am insignificant, or have no mind, no voice. You think it means complete and immediate compliance to your every whim, even at the expense of my family and work, health. No, you don 't get it.
If that is what WE negotiated it would be a different matter. But we didn't.
You seem to think it means quiet compliant mindless when you want to go out and fuck around. That if i 'm truly submissive i will feel no pain and shed no tears. You don 't know. Sometimes i think you just don't care because you've become so selfish, so narcissistic, so dismissive.
I show my submission to you in parallel to my love for you. You are abusing the privilege of both.
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fucking journal. I poured myself into an entry and it didn't save. |
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I thought she was gone. Disappointed all over again to find out she's not. I'm an idiot. You apologize for not being more of an asshole. Why are you apologizing? You are being more of an asshole to me by prolonging it with her. You say she's not getting the hint. Well, stop hinting or sending coded messages. You are afraid of her anger and don't want her to expose you... Well, tough shit. If you hadn't gone out and pulled in a stray and told her all our secrets she wouldn't have that power. You are afraid of what she could do. I'm trying to protect us, but you are too selfish to get that. You have no problem slapping or punching me when i speak up about it but you put off making it right.
I get part of the attraction...she reminds me of your grandmother. Ick factor aside... She has that sweet way of talking like her...sounds southern but really midwest...had a hard upbringing too...similar body style... Jeez..i see it. And she made you laugh when you needed it. You could be anybody. I get it. That feels kinda powerful when it has been a hard year. I know because i've been the one with you through every step.
I love you but you are an idiot sometimes. And thats hard for me to say. I hold you up. But you are hurting more than just my feelings and risking everything...for what? |
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I hate being disappointed. Number one goes out of town and we'll have a weekend to ourselves. But, being the holidays there is family around and they want to spend time with you. It's ok. I never get in the way of family. That doesn't mean that I won't feel disappointment...only that i understand.
I wanted to surprise you tonight...take you to SF to the Citadel. It's Masters Den tonight. I thought it would be a great experience for us to share. Now I can't even tell you. You'd feel worse. And I don't want to do that to you. But yiu would have loved it... |
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The past two months have really taken a toll. Here it is two days before Christmas and i don't know where the time has gone.
Everything has taken a back seat to dealing with that woman - everything has suffered. And now that she seems to be fading out i'm starting to function again, and notice just how far behind I am on everything else.
Number One has been sitting on him, so not much time together the last couple of days. But he is talking to me often, which is so nice.
Time to sleep and dream of sable skin, warm lips, and a smile that lights my soul |
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i don't get people sometimes. i'm going through some shit right now. yes, I put myself in this situation in the first place by becoming involved with him. but I didn't set out to get myself hurt like this.
i don't get why people read my journal and then lash out at me in mail for it. i am using my journal as my only outlet right now. i can't share what i'm going through with anyone else. i have no misconception that my using this journal is somehow private, give me a break. but I have never read someone elses entries and decided to go rail on them in private message. so, I don't understand why someone would read my journal, see that I am obviously in pain, and decide that it was their place to sit and judge and damn.
for the people who have read my journal and sent me a kind message, thank you. I know you may have your opinions of all of this, but you have the decency to keep it to yourselves until asked, and the heart to reach out to someone in pain. thank you. |
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Two good days...like they used to be before "her". Almost two months now with this. It has been so nice, these two days. I hope she's gone. At the very least, she is not as close right now. patiently, and not so patiently at the same time, I wait.
When you came over this evening I wanted nothing more than to strip bare, crawl across the floor, and lay my head in your lap, breathe your scent, feel your warmth, and radiate my own. I did as I was told as you sat at my desk, clicking around my computer, and we talked about different things. Me in my jammies, sitting on my bed, listening. You at my desk, talking. You even talked about another woman...someone who would never cross that line with you, but whom you've been friends for a long while. you've always been smitten with her. hell, I am. but as I sat and listened to you, my heart didn't pound, my body didn't run cold, i sensed no deception or withholding, and no fear welled up in me. I've lived in that place for two months. two months of my life. small on the grand scheme of how many months i've lived, but that is two months out of my life, and out of your and ours that has been spent in mental torture. So I am really hoping that these two days are the start of putting her behind and moving back to me.
Two days...of heaven beside you. So nice. |
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i can't believe we are still dealing with this. I know that you apologize to me for "not being as heartless as you want me to be". yes, all except for the part where you are making me live with this hell. My face is calmer, my tears are less in front of you, i am hiding a lot from you now, and hating it. I never wanted to be someone who would hide myself from you, at all. but that is what you want right now. so i'm doing it while I am hopeful that you are disposing of that woman.
I am finding that my anger about the situation is growing. In the beginning I was just hurt, crushed. Now, I am getting angry and finding rage is an interesting feeling. It makes my heart pound, and dark thoughts and dreams consume me. Rage is not a good color on me. Neither is anger. I'll be happy when she is out of my closet and takes those two emotions from me with her.
So now you're putting something new out there. You are venturing out more and more. what the fuck. ok. well, this is new. well, you said this isn't new. you've done it "periodically" in the past. but now you're going to be doing more and more of it.
what the fuck happened to you? not going to say one thing about your number one relationship. that is all known. but what the fuck happened between you and me that suddenly you have absolutely no consideration for the VERY FEW BOUNDARIES I laid out to you, and you agreed to, in order for us to have a fulfilling and experience rich interaction, based on honesty, openness and trust? One that I could feel secure in. One that treated me with respect and honor. One that didn't take away from me in any way.
I don't get it.
Yes, some people on the boards would be like "welcome to karma". fuck that. you don't buy that, so I won't either.
so what is it? do you have absolutely no capacity to be true to anyone in any capacity? have you lost the ability to be satisfied with one person giving you their all? Or in your case, one giving you her all, and one giving you what she wants to at the moment. Still, on the grand scheme of how guys lives go...you have been living a charmed life. Wife who provides for herself and the family...mistress who provides for you. Mistress will do anything sexually with, to, or from you. Mistress who is loyal and dedicated and has your back no matter what. Mistress who accepts you and wants to be there as you open up your appetites and desires, and eat at that plate with you. you can get your dick sucked any day, you just whip it out and tell me to. you get ass when ever you want, just tell me to go face down and spread my cheeks. get my pussy whenever you want. i never say no to your carnal desires from my body. what other guy gets that...all day...every day. tell him, guys. how lucky is he? and i'm ok with setting up situations for him to be with other women, as long as i'm included in the planning and know about it, and he comes back to me afterwards and tells me everything. that's called a fucking dream woman right there. and I want to watch, too. guys are tearing up. such a woman doesn't really exist, they must be thinking. well, one does. Me. and I'm yours.
so could you please sit down for a minute, a quiet minute, and really think about what you are DOING...not just what you WANT. you are out of control, and I know you like that and want to be. but it's going to end up burning everything down if you don't get it together. i'm not asking you to end the world. just get rid of that fucking cum dump you brought into our relationship and get back to OUR roots, OUR path, OUR understanding.
I just realized that maybe I'm fighting the wrong person in this. I've been fighting you to get you to understand and make it right. I need to take it to the face of that cunt whore and put it down myself. First, she needs to go away, completely away. If you aren't strong enough or willing to do it, then I will...
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So much pain and anger. Shared pain, individual pain, and anger. I'm hurt at what you did. You're hurt because you have to give her up, because of me. You're hurt because she threw a pregnancy at you on the way out the door. You're hurt because she can't keep it for many reasons. You're hurt because you had to endure going through an abortion with her despite desperately wanting a baby. You're hurt that she's had a rough recovery from it. I'm hurt that you are deeply hurt and i can't do anything to fix it. You get angry when my hurts bubble to the surface and spill over. Angry, spiteful, mean. You lash out and belittle. You try to make me hurt worse so maybe i might understand your pain is deeper. You hit me not with love, but anger. You hate that i am just waiting for her to be gone, for us to start to move past it. You hate me for wanting you to love only me and number one. You think i'm being selfish and you are trying to break me for it. You attack and bring tears from me then belittle me for them...cover my face and walk away to leave me in torment. You say awful things i keep hearing ring over and over in my head.
And then i go away for a few hours...talk to a girlfriend...come back and bring lunch home. You're calmer, sweet even, affectionate, talking a bit. The day ends much better than the start...us both awakened by nightmares of our individual hells in our shared experience. I didn't know you were having nightmares. I cry inside for you having the one you told to me. I ache for you over it. I really do. But we end the day better.
I spend the hours away from you thinking. Certainly can't sleep. You think i can't understand what you are going through. I can. You don't seem to be able to understand what i'm going through, but probably do. And then it hit me...
I'm deeply hurt by you and i'm looking for you to take the hurt away. You are deeply hurt by the whole situation...hurting me, hurting her, the abortion, your baby desires with number one, her health issues from it, and knowing you have to end it at some point but don't want to. And nobody can take the hurts away from you, you created the situation that we are all in. You are just going day to day. You can't help her through her hurt and medical issues...and be there for me at the same time. So i lose right now. And it makes me fight harder and lose the battle with my emotions because you are more distant. But you are that way because you only have so much to give right now. Number one gets hers and that is the way it is. No issue. Number 3 is more damaged than me so your focus is there. Number two loses right now and I see that now. You said i don't understand and you won't talk to me about it or her anymore. Well, how am i doing for understanding now?
I woke up this morning at about 4:30. Thoughts to you immediately and constantly. I decided that my need for our closeness, openness, trust, and want to be there for you through this was more important than having you try and fix the pain this has caused right now. I chose to be willing to hear it all, want to hear it all, even if it hurt...because you need me to be your rock right now and i need to be your rock right now. I need to be inside. I need you to need me and trust me and talk to me, even when it hurts. You have to trust that the pain in my face is there because i love you enough to give a damn despite it all and be willing to love you through it no matter what you've done to me. You have to trust that i'm trying to keep it in check because you don't need the guilt of my pain on top of everything else. You have to trust that even when i fail i love you enough to keep trying because you need me to. And because i need you close to me, as close as you can possibly get, as open as you can possibly be, for me. It makes me feel better, even if you can't make the hurt go away it makes me feel better when we are open, close, no cat and mouse , or me fishing or stalking just to know whats going on. The not knowing and being on the outside of you freaks me the hell out and pushing me back and telling me to calm down itches and not talking to me doesn't fix that.
I woke up ready to take it. I told you so in not nearly as many words. And you shut me out. Shut me down. Made me feel like i wasn't worth it to you. I know that may not have been your intent...but that is what your words and actions said to me.
So i'm going to get quiet and give you the space you are pushing me back for. Hurts me more than you, i am sure. It may hurt you when you realize it and its not meant in spite at all. I 'm not that way. I don't want to hurt you. I 'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here. You 're what I need most . I'll be here when you realize i'm still what you need most. |
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with the power I give you over me?
Do you add it to your own and build a shield around me from the world? Do you protect me, keep me from harm? Make me feel secure when the sky is crashing down around me?
Do you reshape it like a balloon animal and show me how beautiful my gift of submission is, how wonderful, how generous?
Do you treasure it like a fine jewel, polish it, keep it hidden and safe from someone else stealing it?
Do you use it to light up my dark places and walk those steps with me, exploring, learning, growing, loving?
Do you use it to let me open myself more, give more of myself, more of what I have, freely, without coercion and manipulation?
Or do you use it to shake my foundation...keep me always in fear...always worrying about displeasing you, drawing out your venom and spite.
Or do you use it to make yourself feel powerful by draining it off of me, watching me get small and quiet when once I was loud and fierce?
Or do you use it to make my heart pound and my body run cold, terrified that I will lose because now you lie to me, hide from me, and see another woman? You selfishly hold onto it, almost dare me to have a problem with it, watch it tear me apart when you are watching at all, and think that somehow you'll make me be ok with it.
Or do you give away places that I used to only occupy...that you were happy for me to fill.
Or do you do it to hold you up, and let me hold you up, even when I can barely hold myself up from the ground? And take swipes at my legs, even as you stand on my shoulders?
You don't even see it. You've become so accustomed to me trying so hard to please you, go whatever distance to be there for you, be selfless to the point of hurting myself and sometimes my family, that you've changed on me, you've changed with me, you've changed towards me.
I can barely do a thing without drawing your criticism...not just passive criticism, but biting attacks, meant to hurt me, push me back, get me back in line, or as you say "put me in my place." What is my place? It used to be a treasured number two slot. I was the everything that she was not. The everything that she wouldn't do. The everything that we could think of wanting to do together, explore together, weather together.
I didn't worry about you adding another. Why? Because you PROMISED me very early in our beginning that you would never do that. You wanted only me. I wanted only you. I still do.
I didn't fear what was happening to US until you ventured the first time. I trusted you. I didn't want to believe that you would do that to me...to ME. With everything I had done for us, for you. I have never felt more betrayed in my life. I was so open to you, willing to do for and with you, and you cast that aside to just go have your way. But I chose to forgive. I chose to move past it and put us back together. And I chose to trust you again. You PROMISED me that you'd never do it again. And that if you got that "feeling" that you wanted to, that you'd talk to me and we'd make something available for you to tear up, experience, enjoy. But it would be US deciding to make that happen, so that hurt wouldn't come with it.
But something happened to you. I think you decided that you like to see fear in my face, alongside the love, the adoration. I think you decided that you could squeeze a little more power from this by putting a lump in my throat so I wouldn't stand up and wouldn't speak up. That felt good to you. And you wanted more of it. So you started using fear as a motivator and called it "respect" in your head. You've found a way to love me and hurt me deeply at the same time, and let me love you and be used by you at the same time.
What have you done with that power I gave you over me?
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There is no rest from this torment. It consumes my awake and now my sleep. I awake shaking and crying, thoughts churning. Some dark and dangerous , most hurt and scared. Every day it takes a little more from me. |
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"you must remember that winning something by sheer force and gaining it by it's own will are different things" |
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You start your day with my heart open and ready to be there for you, support you, love you. Yes, I am hurting, but I am not lashing out. Yes, it is visible sometimes in my face and heard on my voice. But I am not screaming it and wearing it openly. It only comes out when I can't hold it in anymore, and then only enough to get the level back down to hide it.
I started my day with thoughts of you, loving, wanting, needing.
Talking to you on the phone your alerts kept posting. It's a playful thing to say "aren't you popular" or "who is blowing up your phone". We both do it. And, yes, I am wondering if it is her...
But your response..."none of your damn business"... echoes... now all I can assume is that it IS her and you are pushing me back. that hurts. brings my tears overflowing from me when we get off the phone. my soul hurts.
making plans for the day to spend partly together and I get to start off crying in my shower, alone, with "none of your damn business" and thoughts of your concealment echoing loudly in my mind. i'm slowly losing it. i cry every day and you just don't care to know it. makes you feel bad. well, here's to you feeling good at the expense of a woman who adores you. tears rolling down my face while typing, looking forward to seeing you even so. just holding on until she's gone and praying that you are not just telling me what I want to hear, planning concealment and continuation with her. you let slip things that tell me she's going to be around... forgive my concern...justified concern. you don't want to lose me. I don't want to lose you. I'm clinging to you even as you are pushing me away and you just don't care to see it. certainly don't want to hear it. more tears. welled up. lump in my throat. i am trying to get enough out that I can float a smile. a smile so you can feel good and loved and wanted. you want to know how much I love you and how patient I am with you. that's how much. |
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You see I'm sad. You want me to be happy. I'm clearly not. You know why. You did it. You gave me this pain and everything that came with it. You gave me this sadness then have a problem when you see it on my face. You want me to be happy. I want me to be happy. I just am not. Not right now. Not while she is still a part of your life AT ALL. I know that seems "conditional" to you and that I'm trying to restrain you. That is how you justify your actions to me, to yourself. Think of how much pain that has been caused us, yes us, me and you, together and individually, since you decided to cross that line and start something "meaningful" with another person. Call yourself polyamorous...but you aren't. Not all the players know what is going on. Not all the players are ok with what is going on. You are damaging not only our relationship but me as a person. I never would have done this to you. never. nev...er.
I am fighting the sadness and losing. losing myself. losing. you drop her name in conversation...drop that you "know a sheriff's dispatcher" because you like people to think you are "in the inner circle"..."in the know"... you feel like it elevates your status. I get why that kind of thing is important to you. You seem to forget. I'm the woman who holds you up to everyone. Puts you out there so that they know your name, know what you are about. Since me you have never had to gain your respect by your associations with others in perceived power positions. I have worked to make YOURS a position of power, of recognition, NOT by your association with others and what they do, know, or their connections...but by your own.
so when you see that I'm sad...take a moment and think of the real reason why, if you can. put aside your selfishness and look at this heart you are breaking, this spirit you are crushing, this woman who does nothing but love you in EVERY WAY SHE CAN. you know why she's sad. you have a front row seat for how to destroy a person, a heart. you are writing the script as you go. are you going to look up in time? |
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What is the line? What is the line that he can't cross or he would lose me? Clearly he is over the line of damaging me. I'm distracted, can't function, distressed, obsessed, broken. And still, all I want is him. He hurts me and smiles at me while he does it. He almost dares me to speak up, but that would feed his feeling of justification. When did he start to disregard me so blatantly, when did he start to spite me? I'm the one woman on this planet who know's his deepest and darkest and still loves him. Is he testing that? Would he rather push me away and live his torment alone? |
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Any women up for some fun with me and my Dom? He's in a smack and fuck mood and i'm up to share.
Two women, him, a pint of ice cream, and a nice flogger...and a kingsize bed.
Be local. Send me a message. We've got a room tonight and i'm packing the toys. |
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interesting evening. within 5 minutes I received two messages taking exception to my photo not being current. i liked that photo. yes, it was 8 years old. could have cropped it, but nah... i wanted to more convey my attitude, my openness. that hasn't changed just because i have a few more years on me.
so i took it down.
someone told me that to get flogged someone may want to see what I actually look like. yep. they would. that's why I would send current pictures then...
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I've got that itch...that itch that needs to be tied up and flogged. And used in all my holes. I thought as i got older that my learnings would settle down. They haven't. They have broadened and deepened...i don't know how much. I feel like a loaded canon |
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Been reading 50 shades of grey. Decent book. Not at all shocking to me, and probably most of CM. makes me mad all over again at my last Dom. He was such a user, poser...he didn't deserve the gift of my submission. |
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I love the word "kinky". Vanilla folk think any outside of missionary position is "kinky" and leatherfolk I've encountered think anyone who uses the word "kinky" is either 1) vanilla wanting to be edgy, 2) newbie, or 3) just plain laughable.
I like how someone's voice changes when they are talking to you in public and the word "kinky" ends up in hushed tones. Its a freaking word. And, trust me, your definition of "kinky" can be VASTLY different than mine.
I met a guy recently that wanted to let me know he was "kinky". Ok. I'll bite... I let him talk. He's trying to be mysterious and edgy, but I read him as deceptive and unsure. He's trying to tell me he's Dom and I'm in "good hands", when I read him as decidedly less Dom than he thought himself to be.
So...I decided to be a smart ass and test him. We had ended up walking out of the building while having this conversation and ended up in the parking lot. Noone was around. So, I squared up with him. I told him that I didn't pick up a strong Dom in him and told him he could grab my hair if he wanted. The look on his face alone was enough to have me crack up - but I held my bearing to see what he'd do. He mustered something inside and yanked a lock of my hair between his thumb and index finger. I just looked at him flat...and then told him that, while I appreciated the consideration that if he were Dom he certainly wasn't a strong enough Dom to play with me, were I free to even go there. (I'm allowed to talk to whomever I choose, but never to play without express permission.)
I've done that same test before. My current Dom didn't even hesitate - kept his eyes locked on mine, reached out, grabbed a big handful of hair, and drove me to the ground until I begged him to let go. Now THAT'S someone strong enough to handle me. To some people that would seem tame...to vanilla's that's pretty kinky... |
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