Frozen Forever In Time
This is going to be so hard to write my thoughts and feelings down but I feel like I'm swimming at the bottom of the ocean, never rising up to the surface to retrieve the information I need in order to heal. I'm Candyfloss, I'm nothing special I hate everyone and everything around me. I'm like the plague if you stand too close you'll catch my negativity like sunburn. I'm not beautiful or pretty like the girl's you see on the cover of magazines, I'm plain ordinary and quite honestly.I hate myself.
I'm currently seeking therapy for my anxiety,suicidal thoughts and depression and that's where starting this journal was discussed. To get to the bottom of my hidden anger, my sorrow..my worst nightmares. I don't see how this will help me but I'm willing to try. It seems that from birth I was brought up with emotional abuse from my Father. I was constantly told I was stupid will never amount to anything and worst of all he never seemed to care who heard this. It was never a secret how he felt about me and I found it humiliating when it was done in front of other people. No one stood up for me and said otherwise which of course made the whole situation worse because I started to believe every word he said. As a child right through to my teens I would lie all the time which constantly pushed people away from me I don't think I really had any friends and found my own company was better as I didn't feel like I was being judged. I was alone.
It's only now looking back on things that I realise how badly things were for me and even back then I was crying out for help with my lies but no one understood me, no one was there.. I'm twenty-nine years old and in a few weeks will reach the big thirty. This has haunted me throughout my life and has now been carved in my heart and I'm bleeding anxiety attacks. I'm scared all the time and over silly things that should not matter. If anyone gets too close to me I feel like I have to run before they realise that I'm not smart,I'm not pretty..I'm a fake and a fool. This way my mask never has to peel away and I can come across as confidence and self assured..pfft. I've felt so useless that my nightmares have now become reality and the feeling of " I don't want to be here anymore" have surfaced deep inside my soul. I am in a BDSM relationship and an unworthy slave to my Master. Bottom line is I'm not good enough for Him I know this is all coming across as self pity but I need to get it out..Everything I'm feeling before it literally rips me apart at the seams. How do you get over years of emotional abuse?
I can't click my heels three times and start over.This is my life now.. Will you take it away?
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