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| I suppose I should begin by saying that this is not a role I take on when it suits me or a game I play periodically. These darker needs of mine have been deeply ingrained in who I am as a person for as long as I can remember; they are the framework upon which my perceptions of the world around me, especially of relationship dynamics, have been built. I was aware of my predilection for violently forced submission (thanks to Lifetime movies of the week) long before I was even aware of my sexuality. It goes without saying that I have a fairly thorough understanding of my deviant proclivities, as I’ve spent the last fifteen or so years thinking of little else.
I am explicitly not a masochist. I entirely dislike pain and derive no pleasure from it. Yet I strongly prefer sadists, or at least men with a bent towards cruelty. What I do enjoy is the profound fear that brutality elicits; the kind of fear that causes me to desperately try to be good so as to not give him a reason to need to hurt me again. Although, the kind of man I would want to be with would only ever need one reason to hurt me: his own enjoyment.
What I am looking for is actually quite simple: a dynamic that would be labeled by an outside observer as a typical physically and sexually abusive relationship. I don’t want a relationship based on parity and respect outside of the bedroom. I prefer one that is built on violence and fear but interspersed with occasional honest affection. Ideally, I wouldn’t just feel like I was owned, but rather like I was a favorite toy he couldn’t do without but wouldn’t hesitate to beat mercilessly if I forgot my place.
In the context of sex and abuse, tears have never come easily for me. There have only ever been two interactions that broke me down to the point of tears. I may fall in love with you if you can make me cry.
While I do have a few “hard limits,” I don't use safe words, for the same reason that I am not into the BDSM “scene” (or BDSM really), as it creates a connotation of consensuality and make-believe. Therefore I obviously don’t participate in prearranged role playing “scenes.” Play rape was fun and exciting at first, until I met a man who would actually violently rape me whenever the mood struck him. After that play rape just seemed sort of silly.
To be clear, I don’t just offer up my submission to any brutish man who demands it. Intelligence is essential, because if I’m smarter than you, it doesn’t matter how much you beat me, I’ll never respect you. I'm not interested in meeting any men who identify themselves as a "switch.” It's hard for me to fear a man who would even consider relenting any control to a girl. I also have no intention of teaching anyone how to go about properly dominating me. If you're new to this, I am not interested in holding your hand through your process of self-exploration.
Another important point to note is that, while I am interested in “playing” (for lack of a better term) with men/couples, I am not here for meaningless sex and casual hook-ups. If there is no connection outside of physical attraction, and if our interactions lack substance, I’m definitely not going to engage in anything with you. Outside of the sexual realm, I am always happy to make new friends with whom I can openly discuss this side of my life.
Finally, no, I will not move to Tennessee and live in a cage in your basement. Thanks.
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