THE ONION lil angels poem FOR HER MASTER KIDHAF.

She stood in the middle of a busy crowd but nobody saw her 

she screamed at the top of her lungs but nobody heard her 

not the true person anyway not the woman she could be 

not the submissive inside her, a taboo creature of a twisted society 

Whom is she of this woman I’m talking 

a hidden shadow of me that follows as im walking 

a submissive flower a small white single rose 

that slowly defines itself in the garden as it daily grows 

a seed that needs tender care to blossom and to bloom 

a fragile lil package that should not be unwrapped to soon 

a scared and lost child within her shell she hides 

trying to run away from the big bad world outside 

she is like an onion with its many layers waiting to be peeled 

and with each skin she lets you remove a part to her revealed 

and when you carefully unwind her gently to that self protected core 

she will give only to you a key to unopened that double locked door 

a new chapter in her book a page to write each and every day 

as you offer her instructions to help her find her way 

so Sir who is this woman i hide so well inside of me 

she is the submissive lil angel that only you can see 

she is an uncompleted novel sitting on humbly on Sir’s shelve 

for completion by her Owner so she can discover her true self.

(I was instructed by kidhalf to write a poem about myself i had a 3 day limit. i wrote this in the first hour.,yet it is the poem i am most proud of because being able to be honest about who i was taught me i can write poetry)

          GILDING THE LILLY.                                       

HER FIRST PUNISHMENT

Her punishment she knew would begin with His crop and His cane 
But first for their pleasure she was instructed to play till she came 
Already informed she knew not to speak unless answering a direct question 
That Her Master had set her punishment  for a perfectly  good reason 
Never to deviate nor to question Her Master’s actions in any way 
Her safe word should she need it was permitted for her to say 

A reminder to strive harder to never let herself down again 
He carefully chose a method of punishment associated with pain 
One He knew would help her understand how to control her addiction 
It took time to decide the form it would take; this was not a rash decision 
Lovingly searching through pages of articles that were placed on the net 
Determined to find a proper and lasting method to help Heal His Pet 

Finding one on corporal punishment, caning has been used on ex addicts 
Proving it helped them focus on never returning to any old bad habits 
He talked her through the pain she endured by His Hand that day 
To remind herself she would be useless to Him if she turned to her old way 
When she drinks in this way to Him she is worth nothing more than fucking 
The placement he had faithfully offered her would be no longer working 

That would mean no more love making, no cuddles and no more pain play 
All the gifts He once lovingly offered her, he would quickly take away 
Already bruised on the inside, she had hurt herself by abusing His trust 
Knowing fully well that for Him to accept her offer of submission that trust is a must 
She had let her Master down, but to Him more importantly she had let herself down 
And knowing this was true in her submissive heart, turned her coy smile to a frown 

All that she had worked so hard for over the year, all His gift’s she had gained 
Would vanish one by one along with her self worth until nothing remained 
She needed a permanent reminder of the mistake she had made and lesson learned 
So she put down all her thoughts and feelings down on paper and this poem she penned.

written by lil angel.

easter sunday 2013

Returning to My Owner Kidhaf’s Training.

I write this entry with with great pleasure and excitement to confirm that after a break to the lifestyle I have returned to explore more about my submission and who I am, at first it felt like my world had ended when we both Master and myself agreed that our nilla worlds needed to come first for a while, a good Dominant knows that without balance and stability in nilla life He cannot safely offer His sub the attention her training and submission fully deserves nor can she safely offer over full control in the BDSM lifestyle when she does not have complete control and balance in her nilla existence.

There was never any question in my mind that Master would return when the time was correct for both of us, and although it seemed to be 1 hell of a long year apart, we were always in contact online and always supportive friends to one and other as we have been for so many years now. I have been back in training for 4 months now but was lavishing Masters attentions to myself for a while before sharing our new journey in my journals.

I have to admit although the time apart was at times unbearable it has it’s advantages much to both our delight and surprise. The bond of Trust, Respect, love and knowledge of each others likes and desires was already built and therefore the desire we both had to share ourselves in a way we never could with anyone else was to be honest a mind shattering experience. The level of pain play I could accept had already been discovered in our last journey so instead of starting my Training with building my tolerance it has allowed us to begin with pushing my boundaries and experiencing a whole new insight into who we are, what we are capable of offering one and other and what we want to experience as Master and submissive.

The hidden secret desires and fantasies we were maybe cautious to be honest about first time round are now no longer something we feel unsure to reveal as the Trust in one and other has stood the test of a year apart and returned stronger than before on such a level that I am able to offer over parts of my mind in submission I had not experienced before now. Parts I did not think were possible to offer or let go of fully.

A submissives mind can be a very powerful part to who she really is hiding deep within her soul once Her Dominant learns how to Control it and play with it as I am only just learning.

This new level of submitting who I am to Master has brought a new experience to us both on a level neither one of us had expected or thought was even possible. I still struggle to understand how this Wonderful genius of a man has the ability to Control my mind and spirit in such a powerful way.

The slightest suggestion of His hands stroking my skin has my body uncontrollably convulsing in full blown orgasm it does not even need to make to contact with my skin just the warmth of his hands and fingers an inch from around my navel and stomach area has the anticipation of His skin touching mine taking over my mind fully to such an extent I experience flying way up high to sub heaven before human contact between has even took place much to Masters amusement and delight.

He has chosen to explore this tecnique in new ways and enjoys giving my mind a good fucking before I am permitted to Serve Him amused at His Newly discovered Power and Control over His Pet that He will Instruct His sub remove her clothing and to stand legs apart facing the wall placing her palms of hands on the wall spread above head height. The blindfold will then be placed over her eyes before the final instruction to open her mouth so He may use it as a suitable place to Hold the cane until He requires to place some serious red stripes across her ass to Remind her it belongs Only to Him.

This little sub by now is moaning with pleasure and anticipation followed by her left leg twitching uncontrollably. The reason I know My Master is amused is because He takes great delight in humming as he walks around the room choosing instruments from His subs drawers of many toys and instruments while she stands as instructed with baited breath.

This has lead to me His sub going online and adding new toys to experiment with should her Master choose to use it on her, she would never dare try to top from the bottom but gets a high from knowing one day Her Master may just bring them into play time. The latest edition she found herself adding was leg spreaders which arrived today.

These may of course also be used in Punishment out with her normal pain play boundaries or likes. Something she never thinks of until after she has added them and informed her Master they are there…….she done the same when choosing a cane. Master teases me saying it’s a sub thing that there brains and body’s don’t connect which I can now cheekily with a coy smile assure Him they most definitely do connect it is simply that she has to realise this fact and learn to connect them on the level I am now beginning to achieve that Her submission and levels on offering it are now no longer under any of her control but have been fully earned by His Trust, Respect, care, knowledge and Patience He has shown while not only Training her but by moulding her into the woman He knows she has the ability to become at His Own pace and Pleasure ensuring they are both ready to move onto His next level of Training.

I have no idea where this next level in Masters Training will take me, whether I will enjoy it or find there are Tasks I might not find the easiest to achieve perfection in without months or years of Training ahead of me. The one thing I do know is Education is now an experience I enjoy and strive to excel at for the first time in my life.

Thank You Master.

With Love and Respect From Your submissive lil angel.xxx

Journal Entry 13/9/2013.( so important somethings are said and remembered)

Thought it was time i caught up with my journal here. Last Sunday i did a zip slide across the river Clyde firstly to raise money for the charity shop i help out in.

More importantly i did it to help myself see how strong i am inside. In the past in my life it had always felt like every time i had a bridge to cross it would fall away as i was half way over it and id be looking down and feeling helpless knowing i had no-one to ask for help.

I have Master now but he cannot always be with me so i needed to know that if a bridge crumbles i am strong enough and confident enough in my own abilities to find another way across.

Master taught me there are no actual problems in life only situations we were not expecting and that there is always a solution if we look hard enough.

So at 170 feet high in the air i zip slid the 700ft across that water and it felt great it gave my confidence such a boost and showed me i have strengths in me i did not were there.

That is what is so rewarding about this lifestyle, having a Dominant who can see the woman they know You can be, and they alway's know just how to help there submissive grow and flourish.

This is short and sweet just like me. I have had to deal with the sad loss of an uncle of mine. So if i was quiet or not replying to mail it was not me being ignorant.

My nilla life needed me to be there for family and now those shoes are back under the table and iv slid my BDSM slipper's back on my feet, i am now back home and ready to talk.xxxxxx

Master Thank You for Your support and Understanding....................You are my rock................i am blessed just to be Used by You and the luckiest sub alive to be Owned by You.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My grief took me places i did not expect, my words to You at times were harsh at hurtful.

Yet in the True character of a Dominant not once did Your personality or tone of voice change towards me.

There are many pebbles on a beach but only one that slides beneath the toes fits in so well You want to carry it every where You go, i believe that is what is know as a diamond in the rough!

You are not only my pebble and my diamond in the rough. You are my Hero, My Saviour, My Best Friend and i love You Master more than anyone can imagine.xxxxx

I am looking to make new friends on here anyone can message me new friends alway's welcome. I like discussing lifestyles and opinions.

Master permits me to converse with anyone be it a Dominant/sub/switch/tv/ts/male/female/gay/bisexual or strait. I never judge anyone's sexuality or opinions and im always friendly polite and respectful to anyone i converse with.

There is not much in the way of local BDSM community from where i stay and would be nice to talk with other like minded people.

Many Thanks and Kind Regards from Tracey or "Lil" or "Angel" as some refer to me as due to Master's pet name for me being "Lil Angel"

Master sends His Best Wishes and Respect To All.

I AM NOT SEEKING A NEW DOMINANT I AM AN OWNED SUBMISSIVE!

Let me introduce myself properly and tell you all a little bit about myself and how I came to be Kidhalfs Submissive. It all started 8 years ago before I knew I was a submissive, I had never been happy in life and always felt different to others around me, no-one understood me or the lengths I would go to in a relationship to keep my partner happy neither did I at the time.

One night 8 years ago before I knew Kidhaf online. i agreed to meet someone from online I had been chatting to, they requested I call them Master online and me being curious I researched Masters, this led to me to read all about submissives and finally I began to understand myself, I was never different I was submissive but just did not know.

My road to finding my submission began on that night, I quickly being new to the scene assumed mark Leith was a Proper Master with Experience he was not, he was dangerous and basically used me as a sex slave, over a two year period I was used for things that no True Master would use a sub for. I did not know of the rules I had no safe word and was tricked into believing because he said he owned me, I could never walk away.

I took to writing online blogs and poetry in a way to express the pain I was going through, and from my writing, I was befriended By Kidhaf or Eric as I called him at the time, he was concerned for my safety after finding out mark had me self-harming online while he watched on cam. I was in a bad place and had no one in my personal life I could turn to. Through time Eric taught me the Proper Rules of a Dom/sub Relationship and with his constant support and friendship online, many nights sitting chatting to me and only surviving on a few hours’ sleep before he had to go to work and once there he would again sign in and looks for me online. I found the strength to walk away from mark. It took me a while to feel secure enough to look for a Proper Master and when I did I wrote an add to be placed seeking a Dominant and asked Eric his opinion on my wording(hoping he would offer to Train me, but instead he thought if I was placing an add and asking advice, I must have thought he was not the right kind of Dominant I was seeking) as I say I did not know all the rules and at the time never knew a Dominant likes a submissive to ask them if they would take on her training.

The add brought me my second placement and although this time it was a Proper Dominant we were not looking for the same outcome and it did not last long. So I decided to take a break from the BDSM world and try to sort out my nilla life which was falling apart, for a long while it was all a downward spiral and I allowed drinking to become an addiction.

The only thing that kept me sane was the e-mails and online chats with My Eric as I had begun to call him, we begun sharing our secrets, fears, desires, sexual kinks and we became closer, through the years we both had hardships to face and would support each other online, day and night.

We went past online buddies to best friends and confidants to one and other, we both began to fantasize about what it would be like to be with each other, we both thought we were a perfect match in the BDSM world. There was one thing holding us back, we both feared if we met in person and the relationship was not as perfect as we had fantasized about, that we would not only loose the close, deep bond we had built but that 1 fantasy that we had used many times when pleasuring ourselves for many, many years. It seemed a safer option to keep the fantasy in case in reality we let each other’s expectations of what it would be like down.

I decided that not meeting My Eric and never at least trying would be something I would always regret, but I knew for my submission to be offered completely I had to be balanced in my nilla life, or at least be making an effort to fix myself before asking anyone to help me. So last April I went into detox and with my trust in all men gone, I offered Eric to come and visit me while I was in detox, if he turned up then it would show me he had the character and personality I had been hoping he did.

It is an unusual place to have a first meeting but one that showed me, if he wished to support me at my lowest without judgement then he would always be there to support me. After knowing one and other online for so long it brings the understanding we have of one and other to a deeper level.

This makes the Relationship we have so much stronger Sir Eric is not just my best friend, confidant, soul mate, lover and Master he is also My Saviour without His Love, Care and compassion I would not be the person I am today, I do not think I would even be alive today, had I not have met Him.

Please Respect the Relationship I have with My Master and Understand It.

I do not ever Play or Obey online, I am always 100% Honest and Faithfull to My Master. I would never break His Trust or Break any of His rules. I would never desire to offer my submission to another  Dominant, unless i was Instructed to by My Master no matter how often I am asked and the reason for this is simple.

Sir Eric is the only Master that I submit to, I choose to offer my submission to this man because He Earned the Right to be called Master, it is not only the submissive in my opinion that has to earn the right to be able to call her Owner Master it is an equal right, each must have the same level of Respect and Trust in one and other for the Placement to Truly Work.

Master has in affect been Training me and moulding me for a total of 8 years, 7 online and 1 in person.

I am more than happy Serving My Master and would never seek to be released or submit to anyone else.

I am His Possession, His Pet, His Plaything, His Submissive……..i may only be in Training but I am fully Owned By Kidhaf and I would not have it any other way!

I have completed my first week of work experience and the sense of achievement it has given me is huge. This is the part to being properly Owned and Trained that I had always found so appealing and was yearning to experience, the sexual side to being in a BDSM Relationship seems too often to be the part that others in the nilla world focus on they do not understand the Care and Love in this Lifestyle.

Life had broken me and my spirit in many ways and I knew with finding the Proper Master one that shares the same old fashioned views into the Relationship, I could mend myself with His help. He can see strengths in me I have lost faith in being able to show. I see myself as this little tiny seed that has been planted in His garden, and with Love, Care, Attention and Encouragement, He is helping this seed to grow, He takes Great Pleasure and Fulfilment by watching the seed begin to show small shoots, never hurrying the process, He does not want His Creation to begin to wilt.

He stands over it, Protects it, covers it from the shade, feeds it and waters it, knowing One day with all His Knowledge and Understanding, His seed will Blossom into A beautiful White Rose.

He knows the Roles to find for her to allow her submission, Under His Guidance to be fulfilled in the nilla world without others around her being able to see she is submissive at heart and take advantage of her, while she is still in the process of being Trained By Him to be stronger.

Most Masters have jobs to go to during the day and cannot be with her 24/7 to keep an eye on her but His need to Protect His Pet is Stronger than most give Him credit for. Masters choice for His Submissive was to seek work experience, or confidence training before returning to work full time. Through this His submissive found a place to volunteer her help in a charity shop during the week while He is busy at work, in doing this she is helping others and by knowing her efforts are being noticed, her need to be needed can be fulfilled in a safe way in the nilla world.

In setting the Task for her to wear no knickers while at work and asking her to masturbate once a day quickly in the toilets, remind her that no-matter where she is, goes or is doing she is always His lil cumslut.

Thank You Master for helping me to find this placement the lengths You go to, to ensure I am happy and fulfilled in life never cease to amaze me, The level of Care and Love You are showing me is allowing my trust in the world to grow once again and with this the level on which I can Offer my submission to You in a sexual way is growing too, I understand now what You meant by saying one balances the other, I am finally experiencing the side to the lifestyle I had been seeking for 7 long years.

You are the ying to my yang Master……..Your lil cumslut does love Her Master with every fibre of her very being.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

so many times i explained to you my idea of perfection

and all that time i was showing blind rejection

id talk for hours about my ideal kind of Dom

listening to you explaining your ideal submissive one.

assuring you she was waiting for you in the world somewhere

waiting to serve you with a special love and care

‘dont give up’ i said you will find her one day

she will accept you as you are in every single way!

i was way to busy searching for my idea of perfection

selfishly never knowing i was giving you daily rejection

yet you paitiently listened to me,like a perfect gentleman and freind

as i so stupidly missed out on every single hint you’d send.

you were always the first one to try help mend my heart

every time my world shatterd or fell apart

selflessley looking for nothing in return

filling my nights online with laughter and fun.

paitiently waiting till the day i could finaly see

for all those years you were waiting for me

my perfection was there in front of my eye’s

chasing the dark stormy clouds from my skies.

every single time my world came tumbling down

there you would be to pick up my frown

i honestly hope i worth the long wait

i guess you’ll find out on our first date. 

After 3 years away from the work scene, I started a new job yesterday which went really well. This is also great for my mental health as I had begun to recluse myself from the outside world, in my last job I was bullied from other members off staff and that has made it difficult for me to trust people in general so this is a small step to learn I can trust others, as My Master had become the only person I could trust and it can be a very lonely life when you can trust no one. Master was so pleased when I told Him I’d found a job His e-mail started with Excellent a word which I thrive on, knowing I have pleased Master keeps me at peace with myself and happy and contented.

I am also studying the psychology and sociology of care and have 8 weeks of the course left and I am close to finishing my pc passport, I have only been Under Masters Guidance for a year and already I am achieving things I thought I could never do, I was encouraged to take small steps and with that I am seeing changes in myself that are making me a stronger more confident person.

A few weeks ago I warranted punishment and had never been punished by Master before, I was unsure how being punished would affect me and the way I saw Master. The experience has brought us so much closer together firstly because I knew how much Master cared for me by showing me that mistakes from my past affected who I was and how I felt about myself and that by repeating them I was only letting myself down. Secondly because knowing I was being punished made me not use my safe word until I knew I could take no more, this allowed me to submit to a level that I had not achieved before and it showed Master what I am capable of when I offer over my submission. We already had such a close bond and it seems to be growing and going deeper than I ever imagined it could. The love and care we have for each other is something I could only ever dream about finding before and the security I found by Serving Master is a feeling I had been searching for all of my life.

Thank You Master for supporting me in everything that I do and for showing confidence in me, without that I would not be in the happy place I am today, and by being in that place my confidence in myself is growing which is a good feeling to have for once in my life.

I thought i would share some of my poetry from my darker days before i met Master!

It is very deep and dark, as was i before i was able to find myself and understand i was submissive and how to show it. I have not self harmed since My Master took Ownership

of me, i just wanted to show others, how low i was when Master first seen i needed help and showed me i could learn to Trust someone again.

                      A CUTTERS CHOICE!

  Darkness surrounds me; pain is all I feel

Like I’m drowning in this air I breath is any of it real

Emotions overcome me; I cut but don’t feel the pain

The storm of my life; my tears are the rain

( i don't even think i shared this poem with You Master, look at how strong i am now, i was broken and with Your Love, Trust and Respect.....im mending my wings, and learnign to fly again)

                        HIS DOMINANCE DANCE!

WHEN I REMEMBER OF HIS SKILLFULL CHARMS 

OF TAKING IN EVERY MOMENT OF HIS LOVING GLANCE 

AS WE ROLLED ROUND THE BED TO HIS DOMINANCE DANCE 

ONE STEP AT A TIME AS WE'D SHUFFLE THEN SLIDE 

TILL HIS MUSICAL TUNE WAS IN ME DEEP INSIDE. 

NO TUNE LIKE THIS BEFORE HAD EVER BEEN HEARD 

THE ONE WE COMPOSED TOGETHER AS WE LAY IN MY BED 

I WISH THAT I HAD STORED IT ON A MUSICAL BOX 

OR THAT I COULD SOMEHOW TURN BACK THE HANDS ON MY CLOCK'S 

FOR THIS TUNE IS SO VERY RARE YOU SEE 

IT CAN ONLY BE HEARD WHEN HE IS PLAYING ME 

AND IM NOT SURE IN MY ETERNITY,I'LL EVER AGAIN HAVE THE CHANCE 

TO ONCE AGAIN HEAR OR FEEL THE BEAT TO THE MUSIC OF HIS DOMINANCE DANCE!

I have received a few messages of curiosity and concern for my health due to the pictures of my very colourful ass in my pictures. I would like to point out that I bruise very easily and I am always cared for in the highest of ways by Master, He would never allow me to endure pain that was out with my limits.

Infact the picture that attracts the most attention where my ass looks almost black was due to a pain challenge I agreed to a few years before Master took Ownership of me. I have a Mistress friend Eve who has clients that visit for corporal punishment and are males, one wished for a female submissive to be punished at same time to see which sex was stronger and I do like a challenge.

The rather dark bruises were caused from a cane and my most cherished instrument the taws, ah the taws that stinging sensation that goes beyond pain into pure pleasure, it was only a mix of 30 between cane and taws, I was in training with a previous Dom at the time and was allowed to take part as long as I was not bruised, which is why I stopped at 30. And was in trouble for being bruised.

I have since then been Punished by Master and received 50 of the cane and was not as badly marked, Master never does any more than 10 lashes of the cane, before rubbing my ass and assuring I am ok both physically and mentally, before continuing.

My safety always comes first and I have my safe word, I use it when I know I am at my limits.

Master has marked me worst once with a bloody big paddle, and I was standing up on the cross which is where I seem to bruise, lying on a bed I hardly mark.

Another common question is do I cry………I have cried once when during pain and that was when being punished because I knew I had let Master down, apart from that no I do not cry, I struggle to show emotions because of things from my past.

I submit on a level that I am happy with and I am always safe, I have the most wonderful Master and He Cherishes me so I am more than safe, I am the luckiest submissive alive.

EARTH BOUND ANGEL

not all angels have wings......some are earth bound
if you open your eye's they are easily found
they will always be there to stand by your side
when life gets tough they will never run and hide
excepting you just for the person you are
...making you feel like there shining star
encourage you to follow all your hopes and dreams
picking you up when you fall apart at the seams
listening endlessly to all of your woes
sharing your highs as well as your lows
showing total compasion,comfort and care
knowing you can trust on them to always be there
yet for so many years i was to blind to see
this beautiful angel standing in front of me
he had always been there right in front of my eye's
this earth bound angel must have fell from the skies
almost to good to be true,this angel is more than just perfect
he is my Dominant soulmate....My Sexy Sir Eric.

                                           SUBMISSIVE RIVER SIREN.

Beneath the tranquil, turquoise waters
shyly hidden among the reeds
there lives one of natures daughters
whose lonley heart slowly bleeds

She dreams of life she dreams of love
from the depth of her watery soul
there she rests in a sandy cove
and sleeps in an oyster shell

Her skin is of the palest pearl
that softly gleams and shimmers
the colour of her hair can wow
and in her eye a single tear glimmers

An enchanting song is heard so often
sung by this damsel of the deep
she is the submissive river siren
left beneath the waves to weep

To weep for a love she will never know
the sorrow for his love she craves
to wait for this man to sink so low
to love her beneath the waves.

I had been so caught up with writing about my punishment  in my journal i felt they both deserved there own space that i haven't really written about my full day with Sir but now they are done i can do this: As i had said in my punishment entry i had awoken at 2.30 am and filled with excitement could not get back to sleep, as i would normally be running around like a headless chicken running out of time before time Sir's arrival i took this opportunity and was showerd shaved make up on hair done and dressed by 5.30 am.Made sure the kitchen was clean and tidy........tidied the toilet and cleaned it my hoover had broken so i did my best with a small sweeping brush and pan to go over the carpets.....changed the bed sheets arranged the top drawer, sat my collar and lead on the dressing drawers,the crop always hangs on my wall i like it there so it is the first thing i see when i awake and the last thing i see before i go to sleep it makes me feel closer to Sir in his absence.

I removed some of the carpet from my living room ready to be laminated. It was still pretty early and i started to wonder what my time with Sir would bring? With each session things differ and i am always surprised to the amount of attention i receive most men jump in 5 mins of foreplay and ride like the clappers till the job is done. I am always pleasantly surprised at the amount of time Sir spends on me and often feel guilty i don't give him as much attention as he deserves then the brain clicks he is in control if he wanted more attention i would know all about it.



There were a few new toys in my top drawer since Sir was last here and i was introduced to being gagged an experience i really enjoyed and one i bought for a reason......i knew i sometimes used my safe word before i needed it and that i could trust Sir not to take advantage of his sub not being able to use her safe word. I was ready to go level further and needed to make sure i didn't spoil it for myself. The blindfold was introduced as i am very much an anticipation gal, i can't explain what a rush it is to hear My Master walking about the room a silence fills the room sometimes he walks so softly i can't hear where he is and that makes my pulse race my heart beat faster until the anticipation is so high i can actually feel my own cunt filling with juices at the wonder of what Sir has in his hands.



The butterfly clamps are newish too and Sir seemed to think by the noises i make i wasn't so keen on them but it is a naughty or dirty noise a thought of" i can't believe this is actually happening that someone knows exactly what i love" I have to admit i did love having them clipped to my pussy lips and when the chain was attached i knew that Sir could stretch them as far as he wanted it made me extremely horny to think he was stretching me taking a good look at what he wanted to see.......i love knowing i am pleasing his sexual needs and desires in this way and look forward to it developing into more down right dirty and perverted situations......i am more dirty minded than i let on at times but i am sure Sir has picked up on this fact and enjoys making me wait and wonder i think we both get a kick out of it.



I was pleased the but plug id chosen pleased Sir as much as did his sub......when i first started to explore my submission 7 years ago i had taught myself to withhold my orgasm......as i knew most Doms used orgasm control i had also taught myself to allow my multiple orgasms to roll into one so i could orgasm longer.

so when Sir asks me how many orgasms iv had i find it hard to explain this is because this process is new to me i don't as such have one orgasm then stop then minutes later have another one.......once i go into that first orgasm and Sir continues to tease my clit that orgasm builds into a stronger one i feel very lucky to be able to do this as if i am submitting for lets say 2 hours and during that my clit is the centre of attention then i will orgasm for 2 hours this leads me to a euphoric state and all i can say is i pity any woman that has not had this experience it truly is one mind fuck i do love!



I wasn't sure how i would react to the electric fly swat now im not sure as i forgot to ask Sir if when the clamps were attached to my pussy lips if the electric fly swat was used to send a charge down the chain?.......i let out one hell of a moan because it was the most amazing feeling and i think Sir possibly thought it had been too much it wasn't and i couldn't ask because i was gagged. I had to giggle as he teased me noises before zapping a nipple and he did have to tell me to stop jumping round the bed ...........the blindfold i bought isn't the greatest id very much like to try a hood.



There are lots of things id like to try and i think i may look for a questionnaire Sir set me a few years back and fill it in again so he knows how dirty my mind actually is....this last session has opened up that side to me i keep hid away under key and lock......when in poems iv written about giving someone the key to my heart this is what i am talking about the down right nasty dirty in the gutter thoughts and wonders side to me.....the imagination is a wonderful place where we hide our deepest darkest fantasies where we wonder what it would be like to this or that but would never dare admit we have had these thoughts......that session saw that side to me bring the key to my heart on step closer to giving it to Sir to open up that door..........but i think he knows it's there and that is why everything we do is one small step at a time and for once i can see why it's better this way......i think we kept hidden allot of our emotions regarding this side to each other as we have been hurt in the past and.............neither of us are really ready to open up as deeply as going down that road would take, we will in time i know i will.......but i also know Sir promised he would make sure he would never allow either of us to do anything that would break my heart......and I'm finally realising this is why one small step at a time........I have a very clever Master it just takes me time to clock on to things sometimes.

I almost forgot to put in that as Sir had burst his tyre and needed to change it he had as a joke suggested i do it....he remarked for fun" why have a sub and bark yourself" which i found highly amusing i did however feel the need to go and stand at pavement beside him and when it rained i found myself running inside to get a large umbrella to cover My Master from the rain i was asked if i wanted to go inside but i was happy as larry standing there sheilding My Master from the rain submission to me is not about always needing instructions 24/7 as i thought it would be and may be if we lived together.....i like being able to care for My Master in even the little ways like holding a brolly over his head as he sits there changing a tyre.....getting rather peeved of at himself for doind so in the first place and talking himself out loud through the hole process"yeah that goes there,now why is that not fitting,ah so thats why it's no fitting, ect" gigles and i giggle because often in a relationship it's the small annoying habbits we seek to pick out but to me they are not annoying........they are what i call cute they are the little peices that make My Master the person i fell in love with and i wouldnt change any of them on the world!

Yesterday i was with Sir, it was the first time we had managed to get together for quite a few weeks, the night before i had went to sleep about 11pm and awoke again at 2.30 am filled with excitement and i couldn't get back to sleep.........i remembered the feeling well it was with the same anticipation that i felt knowing i was to meet Sir for the first time in person. I still have to pinch myself at times to make sure i am not dreaming, when i am with Sir i go through so many emotions i feel important, attractive, sexy, confident and yet i still have that shyness around me that shyness will always be there because i am in awe to have found someone who cherishes me the way he does......i feel so cared for i cant quite put it into words and i still hide my eyes allot so he can't catch the way i look at him I'm always scared if he sees the love i have for him he might find it that i am showing to much emotion to quick.

I think we have both been hurt emotionally in the past and are wary to open ourselves up to ever feel that hurt again.....but i can't help falling deeper for him.....it was easier for me to hide my feelings for so many years because we only ever chatted online. I often wonder what our current relationship would be like now had we have met all they years ago?.......we have both agreed our memories are not what they could have been.

Yesterday My Master had to punish me because i had allowed my collar to be left lying on a floor, i was placed over knee and had my bottom spanked as he placed my collar on the floor to so i may be reminded why i was being punished.......on the night i had allowed my collar to be left lying on the floor i had saw the dismay look in My Masters eyes as he bent over to pick it......that look was like someone putting there fist in my chest and ripping my heart out it really knocked for me for 6 i wasn't ever expecting to see a look like that.....and although My Master doesn't do the lovey dovey stuff as he puts it.....i could see how much i had disappointed him it wasn't a usual disappointed look but one that someone gives when someone they care for deeply has let them down.

After my punishment Master instructed his sub to sit beside him on the bed and he placed the collar round my neck he reminded me i had worked had to earn my collar....he placed it one notch tighter and with this i realised something very important......i had seen my collar because i had bought it more of a training accessory to use until i had earned my own.......now i see it as so much more i had always worn it with pride knowing that it signified my willingness to hand myself over to Domination and to show i was Owned......but now i look at the collar not as mine it is our collar, he places it on my neck with love and care and i wear it with love and pride that i am Owned by this man......our collar holds secrets that only we know and each time he places it around my neck it will hold one secret or memory more it is a symbol of our love and dedication to one and other.....it shows i want with all my heart to be Owned by My Master and that he equally desires to have me as his cherished possessions.

           THE PERFECT PAINTING!

THE MASTER TAKES OUT HIS WHIP,BELT,CROP OR CANE

 TO PROVIDE THE PLEASURE OF  PAIN HIS SUB'S EARNED AGAIN

THE BRUISES AND WELT'S THAT WERE LEFT ON HER SKIN

 GIVE HER AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF PRIDE DEEP WITHIN.

 AS SHE GLANCES AT THEM IN A MIRROR MANY TIMES A DAY

 WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE,SHE LOVES HER SUBMISSIVE WAY.

 HANDCUFFS OR RESTRAINTS,LEATHER OR LACE

 HANDS TIED,HEAD BOWED,EYE'S LOWERD, HER SUBMISSION HAS SUCH GRACE

 WITH A STERN VOICE AND A HARD HAND SIR IS HER GUIDE

 LEADING HER THROUGH LIFE,RELEASING HER SUBMISSIVE SIDE

 THE ONE FOR MANY YEARS THAT SHE'D DENIED AND HIDDEN AWAY

 THE SIDE TO HER THAT ONLY A DOMINANT COULD GET TO COME OUT AND PLAY.

 DOMINANCE AND SUBMISSION GO TOGETHER HAND IN HAND

 LOVE IS SHARED,SHOWED AND GIVEN EXACTLY AS WE PLANNED

 FROM SUB SHE EARNES HER PLACE AS HIS POSSESION HIS SLAVE

 ONCE CLAIMED AND COLLARED A SLAVE ALWAY'S KNOWS HER PLACE.

 A SUBMISSIVE IS A MASTERPIECE,SHE IS A WORK OF ART

 THE MASTER IS AN ARTIST,BUILDING PERFECTION FROM HIS HEART

 THE MASTER LIKE AN ARTIST SLOWLY

 APPLYING HIS PAINT TO HER BODY

 LIKE A CANVAS THAT SHE SO OFFERS UP FREELY

 ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER IS BORING AND DULL YOU SEE

 BUT MIX THEM BOTH TOGETHER,AND A PERFECT PAITING THEY WILL BE!

lil angels entry 12th July 2012

lil angels diary July 11th 2012

entry 10th July 2010

Got the flu and feel generally crappy got a lot to cover in this entry as iv missed a few days....i did write one yesterday but i deleted it by mistake and due to the way i felt i didn't get round to writing it again....this time I'm writing it in my g-mail that way it will save a draft should anything go wrong.

My new look isgoing down well the feedback iv had online and in public has been wow over the top if had so many compliments main one is"you are a brave woman dying your hair such a bright pink...but you carry it well it really suits you radiates you"...for someone that had low self esteem and confidence it really makes a difference to me especially being called brave....i feel sexy and confident as both a sub and a woman.



Sir wasn't online yesterday so i don't yet know what he thinks yet but i think his attitude will be"now ye look like a proper bikers chick"lol just thinking he said that to me once before when he saw an old pick of me........that was a hint iv only just clicked to......when i first took pic of hair i used web cam and it made my hair appear green ironically Sir myself and my sons are die hard rangers fans and will remain that way till the day we die even though we have been relegated....so me with green hair pmsfl will never happen but come on the pics were there i had to put them online play a joke on them...i did tell Sir it wasn't really green didn't want him to think oh no she has had a hair disaster.......like most folk online did........after that i took pics of me with mobile and really liked them.....wtf me thinking hey girl you look fucking damn hot.....she was back the self confident bird that part to me i lost in my teens iv been searching inside of me for years trying to bring back welcome home Tracey McLean.....iv bloody missed me....now when i walk down a street or in a room and all heads turn no longer will i be paranoid thinking everyone was laughing at my appearance or down crying me.......i will be thinking yep you still got it Trace your a looker and the compliments iv had online about my new profile pic.....my smile has made so many peoples day i get messages thanking me it is wonderful..........I'm back with a vengeance watch out world here i come.

entry 8th July 2012

Good morning to be honest i was strugling last night wondering what i would write about today....what topic to cover....one that i would find helpful to look back on Lets go a lil deeper into the kind of person although im a submissive i dont just seek my Masters guidance,we as human being find comfort in religion in way or form......some do yoga or meditate to find the answers.....or some like me are very spiritual down the line that i would find helpful to myself and others....and it made me think of my blog yesterday.....i may have made it sound like being a submissive is the onlyway to seek guidance and sort your life out....it isnt...for me it is but i accept it is not to everyone taste.....there are many ways we seek advice one of mine through my dreams i find comfort in learning to understand my dreams and through using a dream book learned to analyze the meaning behind some dreams those ones that waken you up but you so clearly remember there is a message in those dreams it's our subconciouse trying to tell us some thing i had 1 woke up just 5 mins ago and my dream led to this entry a lil strange but let me explain:

Lets go a lil deeper into the kind of person although im a submissive i dont just seek my Masters guidance,we as human being find comfort in religion in way or form......some do yoga or meditate to find the answers.....or some like me are very spiritual we follow our astrology chats.......use tarot cards ect.....i study both but my main beleife is in Angels....i have books on how to contact your gaurdian angel and studied them....i have an angel tattood on my back for 3 reasons 1 of the reasons is so i always have an angel on my shoulder to look after me every second i breath wherever i go whatever i do......i use daily angel challening and listen to the service online.....i also use the angel deck of tarot cards and love and collect all angel memorabilia..........ornaments,cards,clothing,jewlery ect.......i also keep a book of spell from wicca but only use them for the use of good for gaining happiness ect....as i say we all as humans have a way to get us through our day.

I dont submitt every day,well i do i dress my appearence is set by Sir not what i wear or how i have hairstyle just what level is expected of me....i have a daily morning routine that involves showering,moisturising my skin....things that make my body one that is healthy for my own sake and for Sirs and my 2hrs of household chores........this may sound alot to some but it takes up about 4 hours of my day........now iv added diary to my list.....all tasks set for my own well being and self worth.

As i awoke i knew my dream had meaning behind it and i wont go into all the details of it as some of it was weird,cat slater from eastenders was in it a few other famouse faces.......and they all had me,my family and other people in it setting impossible tasks like making a house out of knitting and using the basics like moss ect as a sponge to clean yourself......some people in my dream stuck to the way that most of the people in dream were........but i broke free,i started to fight to tell them i had beleived in angels for many years i contact them through meditation and seek my answers to anything i need answers to...i consult the angel cards....i studied my gaurdian angel.....and i read the insparational daily messages channeld by the angels......i found my answers that way....without fighting through impossible tasks.....they had there right to there belifs and i had my right to mine.....as i started to open 1 door another was behind this happend several times before i reached the outside world out my trap of tasks....i see it as advice......you dont need to set yourself impossible tasks....you only let yourself down by setting them....the same advice Sir constantly gives me...take 1 small step at a time and you will get there........when i awoke i had escaped the trap of trying to achive the impossible.....i left the rest behind which i feel the many varied carachters as they were tv stars....freinds from childhood....and adulthood.....and other people iv met............this was in the dream to represent the rest of scociaty....in other words my dream was telling me there are many ways to seek guidance......i still take guidance from the angels.....

I always will but Sir has become my main source of guidance and insparation he is my role model.....the rest of scociaty might not understand or accept it...but that does matter.....what does matter is what guidance works best for you....no ones way is right or wrong it's simply the way we as a person choose to live our lives.

I hope iv explained the above in a manner that can be understood.....

This lil submissive angel is unwell this morning she has cought a summer cold from her youngest son and is feeling like shit so she is having a quiet day to recover.....can't be ill....have a party next weekend and i do not intend to allow this cold to take hold....so plenty fluids a mild home made curry for dinner and rest....to aid a speedy recovery......a few throat lozenges and sudafed to back her up.......i just hope i havn't passed it on to Sir.x

entry 2 7th July 2012

It's been a long day and im tierd need my bed.....but something kept me up i knew i had said i would put an second entry to my diary yesterday....and i was so emotionaly high from Sirs visit it took me all day to come back to earth and when i did i found myself placing a poem and forgetting id gave my word on here id update my diary after i had spent morning with Sir.

Remembering this morning but as i was in a rush to get to Edinburgh to shop for items i needed for next week when we attend Mistress Eves BDSM party....and knew these items were important as i will accompany Sir in public for the first time as his sub and as a sub it is also my first real BDSM social outing.

I did say id do it today at somepoint and i know one of Sirs dislikes is for his sub to say she will do something and not stay true to her word i know this as i had it pointed out to me once i try my best to always be an attentive sub and don't like to let Sir down i know he reads my diary and it's important to me i can show that as a sub when i give my word i honour it as i shoud do it is a sighn of my Respect to Sir....so bed can wait and its before 12.am so it will be completed as i pledged.

Yesterday was full of mixed emotions for me i wasnt happy as i wasnt fully ready or prepared i noticed the little things that are normaly perfect....my nails clipped shapped and cleaned proerly the small hair on my chin that needed plucked,my kitchen was untidy......bathroom not cleaned after id used it for showering and applying my make up....ashtrays unempties.....table in livingroom clutterd and could have been cleaned and polished........

Sir had informed me he would be here for 9.am and that we would go into kitchen together and make 2 cups of coffee.....the cups were not washed in preperation nor kettle boiled.......i should have been ready and waiting for 8.30 should Sir arrive early........not because he orders it as he does not but because in not being prepared i let myself down......i was uneasy unhappy at myself..........my whole house needs a refurbish and Sir is understanding of that but i feel as his slave i could have had the basics and myself ready for his arrival............i know i will the next time.....i was ashamed when Sir said he needed to use my bathroom he didnt mention the state it was in but i enterd it after he left and thought what must he think of me......i never want to feel like that again.

Now for the good part after chatting my training session began Sir knew i was ready to submit on a higher level and i for the first time ever fully submitted.....the pain play was a lil more that we achived before and i know this will progress as Sir feels im able to expand my limits......i found being in the possision of knowing id offerd myself to Sir a very sensual and stimulating one and that feeling when Master told me to kneel and he placed my collar round my neck and fastend the padlock......i was his bound by his will i was owned.............the emotion in me rushing through my brain...initialy i kept my eyes shut as i have this issue with eye contact my eyes never lie and i didn't want to reveal the pleasure the look of submission i get in my eyes i know it's what a Dom has pleasure from seeing but in my past 1 look in my eye and they ran a mile.....those were not true doms i know this now but it's a fear im working on.

In closing my eye's i discoverd that as a sub i take great pleasure from not being able to see what is about to happen every lil noise or sound is tenfold....my ears were in overdrive....the sound of Sir teasing me with the lashing the cropper in the air,made me think i was about to feel that release i was yearning for.......the anticipation in me built up slowly by Sir my breathing got heavier my leg would twitch and i would give a coy lil whiper waiting hoping yearning this was made more intence by random lashes from the crop stinging my breasts which were bound.......i never knew when i would feel that sweet release again and i knew My Master would be standing there watching his sub twitch with anticipation smiling and thinking to himself not yet my lil slut not yet.....this made me reach even higher my senses were being used in a way i never imagined possible........

The Master introduced his sub to "twilting".....the sweet sensation from this is something i have found myself longing for.....during twilting i found myself drifting of to this wonderous place only subs know the pleasure of finding.....i was there on the bed feeling the sensual pain and pleasure but my head was somewhere else.......and as Soon as Master knew his sub had reached that state of mind where she is submitting all she can her body,her mind,her soul...he knew she had been longing for this feeling for so long that self gratification she gains by knowing she is pleasing Her Master......he allowed her the pleasure of keeping her there that fine balance between pain and pleasure...lust and love......want and need....desire and fulfilment......for a mesurable abount of time.

She knew this was a training session she was there to learn but yesterday for a while he allowed her the gift of making it a time for her to experience the pleasure he was able and willing to offer it made her feel special......she knew he cherished her.....she could feel it.

So much so his slave found herself finding the words "I love you Master falling from her mouth" and for a second she thought to herself is it too soon to tell Master i love him....is it something he wanted to hear.....is it acceptable......she is used to saying Thank You Sir but never I love you Sir....then she rememberd she had already told him in an online chat days beforehand and told him if she was looking for something that she shouldn't be she would preffer Sir was honest and told her before she fell any deeper......and here he was in person if it wasnt ok he would say or would have told me..................i am now comfortable expressing my love for Sir without fear of being hurt or fear of rejection.

she also had the pleasure of Sirs flogger on her ass and breasts and was left a few reminders of there time together.....she cherishes every second she has the hounour of serving Her Owner and keeps the memories they are builing together in a safe place deep within her heart mind and soul.

She will not write about sexual activities here they are a private matter she desires to share only with Her master.

She thanks Master for expanding her knowledge and showing her new experiences.....she also wishes him Goodnight....and promises him she did start writing this at 11.30pm although it is now 12.30 am but as usual she started to express herself in words and couldnt stop writing.....she hopes these words show her dedication for you.She says with her usual coy smile.
Written with love from Your slave Tracey.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

THE SUBMISSIVE LIFESTYE!
As a submissive slave id like to share with you the real BDSM lifestyle.....some people i talk with or that contact me for advice or Doms looking for a sub or wanabee doms as i call them seem to be missinformed about Master/slave/Dom/sub relationships......they assume as a woman living in a submissive role means that it is all about using a woman sexualy....and that is it this is not the case.

Yes there is the sexual side...yes the sex can be kinky...yes there is pain and degregation yes we experience situations other people only dare to fantasize about...yes we wear a collar.....yes we submit and do what is Orderd by our Doms.

No one talks about the other parts of the lifestyle.....firsty a sub chooses to be Owned.....chooses to submit all free will at the start of the relationship.....but it has to be safe sane and concensual....before i met Sir and he offerd to train me and to Own me i had enterd the scene 7 years ago and my first Dom had the attitude most people do i was his to bend to his will....this is not the way it should be....it is not safe i know i lived it.

It was all about sex and pain and punishment but not for my pleasure for his i was used as a sex toy..........i didn't know anything about the role of a Dom i thought he was a True Dom i thought i had to do everything he asked i had handed over free will the word no should not leave my mouth.I knew i was a sub i wanted to please him i did as i was told....there was no love showed to me.....no respect...no care.

It became dangerouse my mental health and my submission was being abused...i was lucky i had online Mentors Doms that would offer me advice online about what was right and what was wrong........after reolising i was just a sex slave i found the strength to say no to walk away.

Now i am living the lifestyle in a proper manner......and althought i offerd my submission to Sir....and gave up my free will,i done it knowing i would be safe id known him online for 7 years we had got to know each others wants....needs...desires discussed training methods shared veiws and opinions.....we as subs look for an Owner that has our best intrests first and foremost.

I am a recovering alchaholic and Sir came to see me for the first time in person while i was in dettox at that time Sir was simply eric my Mentor and best online buddy of 7 years he came as a mate to give support to someone he cared about......this is when i gave myself a good reality check and reolised that if he was a Dom and he came to meet me when i was at my lowest to support me then it was time i accepted his offer to train me the offer he had been waiting 7 years for me to accept.

Knowing i was at my lowest and most vunerable and had mental health issues he saw his duty as My Dom was most importantly to be there when i needed to talk...to reassure me....to offer me comfort....to guide me into seeking guidance and taking one small step at a time there was no rush he assured me as My Owner the most important thing to him was my well being,mental health and selfworth.....id already done dettox and stopped drinking sorted out support groups on my own so i was balanced in my life and able to submit.....with some training i would be a well balanced sub.

Now i am in training and with help and support from my Dom i see a councelor and deal with my past and in doing so my depression is lifting.......i am under instuctions to help me get ontop of sorting out my house so it may be a happy place where i am comfortable and see as home........the moment i get stresses or worried he calls or sits online sometimes for most of a day talking me through how to deal with situation.

I have since meeting Sir gained self confidence......went back to my creative writing...general online blogs like i am doing just now to offer support and guidance to subs new to the scene i know how easily it is to be an abused sub.I am now writing poems again something i thought i would never get back to doing.....and i get feedback and awards online from my poems that has boosted my confidence greatly.........

I am on Sirs profiles so others know im his sub.....he does not do this to show off or show me off but out of respect....Sir sees me as his prized possesion and as his possesion he cherishes me......my health and Sirs too is important.....i am not loaned out no other man shares me im not orderd to submit to anyone and if a situation ever arised where i was it would be for pain play and not sexual.....and i have a safeword i have used it twice so far and when i have Sir has stopped and soothed me......NO PROPER DOM WANTS TO BREAK THERE SUBS SPIRIT OR HARM THEM.

She is his prized possesion and if she is broken mentaly or physicaly she is of no use to him....without her health in tact he cannot use her mind body and soul for his pleasure....they both gain from her submission equaly she is eager to always please him and from pleasing him she gets complete gratification.

I am a slave i submit to Sir in all walks of life physicaly...sexualy......domesticly....and in the way i dress....my general appearance...i was underweight weighing only 7 stone when me met with help and guidance and support iv gained weight and am more healthy for it.....the way i present myself in public...........in gaining education and employment.

A Master or Dom is a confident strong willed person he chooses his sub with care..for a sub it is her need to please that drives her desire to submit.....for A Dom it is his knowledge in the fact he knows he can help his sub transform into a well balanced confident,sexy woman he takes great pleasure and pride in his work....he admires it..........he helps her to blossom from a small seed into a beautiful white rose.......he can see the potential in her she cannot see in herself.......he takes care and love and moulds her into the woman he knows she can be.....this is the life of a true submissive slave.

Its the moulding his sub that is the greatest part.......they share a high level of respect......loyalty....compassion.....trust...care....and faithfulness there are no lies or hidden secrets only complete honesty......these are the reasons i submit to Sir........and the kinky sexual bedroom scenarios are a bonus we both have this desire to live our fantasies.......and have great amounts of fun and pleasure doing so.

The punishment side to it is no fun from a submissives point of veiw her Dom will choose a punishment she dreads something she hates.....something that gives her time to reflect on how she has disspleased him......she knows she is a reflection of his training and should always act as he expects.......he chooses a punishment that will make his sub eager to never make the same mistake again....and she never will.there is no point in punishing a slave that hungers pain......her desire is so strong for pain she would gain pleasure from his belt or crop and he knows this to punish by pain serves no purpose...........he has to know she will learn.......i as a sub love pain......but my heart breaks if im ignored or have the gift of online chatting with Sir revoked or being made to stand in the corner,having my orgasm pleasures revoked or being punished by pain in a way i would not like this is only a method of the harshest of punishments..a place i will no doubt find myself in but i assure you will do my hardest to avoid..........this is the kind of punishment i dread ever finding myself in....

I hope this gives people an honest insite into the true lifestyle and as always if you need advice or support message or e-mail me......i am happy to say my health and confidence is back and im back to sub/slave support forums to help in any way i can.

To all subs/slaves out there play hard and stay safe.....regards.....Tracey.x

entry 7th july 2012

I woke up today in such a good mood after this entry im dying my hair....i had it cut and syled yesterday i always love when i change my hair it always gives me a boost and makes me feel more self confident.....it's going to be vibrant dying it blonde then using a red dye si it will either be pink or bright red either way it will look so different to everyone elses and catch peoples eye and show im gaining confidence......as it takes a lot of confidence to walk about with your eyecatching.........Sir understands his sub has always styled and coulerd her hair to match her mood....it's one of her lil habits that makes her who she is....the person he fell for....the person he desired and thought so mutch of her her....oh man it feels good to say they words....i still cant take in im Owned at times....it gives me a burst of pride and exitement every time i think about it.

After hair and breakfast im off for a train into Edinburgh to meet Miranda we are going shopping with a difference as this time the clothes i buy to wear will all be bought with Sir in mind it's a new experience to me but one i enjoy knowing im pleasing and that when im out in public with Sir i will be dressed in a manner that reflects his influence in me..........once i start to get more outfits my wardrobe will have more skirts and blouses and less jeans and t-shirts they will only be used in colder weather and for appropriate outings........so i will be basicly chainging my daily look.....i feel like i am transforming from a teenage girl into a woman it's a strange feeling i cant put into words but one i know Sir will understand.

(remider to myself i still have an entry to place in here from my timee spent with Sir yesterday i was so in awe i didn't come back to earth for the rest of day and when i did i ended putting a poem here instead of an entry)

I love the fact when im buying new underwear it has to be matching colours of bra and knickers....it makes looking through them more pleasurable to me they are chosen with care and thought.......his sub knows how much Sir likes to be surpised by underwear and loves the look on his face when he realy likes something...it shows her that she is learning to know what he likes without asking him......she is progressing as his pet....his submissive by knowing what Sir would have chosen for her if he would have been this....and progressing into more of a woman by feeling sexy in what she is wearing..............Edinburgh look out lil angel has money in her bank burning a whole in her pocket and a new look to gain not only for Sir....but for herself.......in pleasing Sir knowing she is pleasing....she gets great satisfaction and pleasure it is a win win situation......thats why being a sub living this lifestyle so very rewarding and for people that dont understand that i feel sorry for them.

Today is the day i have been waiting for seems like an eternity ago Sir was here.....although it was only a few weeks ago.The first time Sir was here i was so nervous this time although im anxious im so filled with anticpation

I as his sub have a duty to let Sir know my thoughts and opinions for others that don't understand the lifestyle and think a Slave has no say and is forced to submit she is not.....My Ownner knew my past....my fears of trust and my insecurities....i see myself as a strong woman which i am on the surface but as Sir has known me for 7 years before meeting me in person he knows what iv been through and its been a bumpy ride the last year in particular has been a tough one me and i don't think i give myself the same level of understanding and although Sir could see it i had never saw myself as vunerable.

I am i admit in a fragile condition i had lost my home of 15 yrs and been in holmless accodomadation.....had the misfortune of meeting Rob there,i had decided to close the door on my submission partly because the way i had been treated in the past by the Doms i had chosen but ironicly with leaving the scene i found myself in a domestic abuse relationship and was hiding my bruises from kids and support workers or making up silly excuses when they couldnt be hid until i ended up with a fractured elbow.......i was lucky my support workers were concernd for my well being and mental health so i was placed on the adult protection list and with this found the strength to admit yes i was a batterd girlfreind and in an unsafe possition and i put rob out.

Now i had been placed on this list i knew it would make it more difficult for me to re-enter the lifestyle and had gave up hope.....then out of the blue in early jan there it was this e-mail id been checking for hoping for over the past few year my Eric was back online he could see id been through alot and didnt want to rush me so the light flirting began again......i so wanted to be with him i had done for years but my trust in men had gone id ignored his advances so many times before because other men had treated me badly.

This time was different i knew the time was right eric had never let me down as a freind before i was angry at myself because the contact between us had stopped and i didnt know why i allowed myself to convince myself that he had bored of me or finaly got tierd of waiting and found another sub....id given up him.....and then i found out why he had stopped contact.

To begin with in my head i questioned if the reason he had given me was honest id been lied to before but something in me knew he wouldnt lie to me he had never lied before and that i wanted to be with him but i couldn't face being let down or hurt not by Eric if that happend id loose that bond we had built online he was the one person that kept my spirits up never judged me when i self harmed hit the drink was always there for me showing care,understanding and compassion he in short kept me sane in a crumbling world iv never had that security before and i was about to loose that.

This is when i knew it was time to try and trust but i was still fragile and as i didnt want to be hurt i suppose i set eric a test i told him i was going into dettox i was allowed only 2 visitors and i had to give there names on visitors list my son was 1 and i asked eric if he wanted to be second he agreed.....i still doubted myself the fact he wanted me.......so on that day i was standing at the back door to clinic with other patients having a ciggie there was a voice behind me"iv been looking everywhere for you so i have" i turned round as did everyone there and saw this man i was a lil dazed i thought no it cant be then the words eric came booming out my mouth followed by a huge cuddle......brain rushing inside i was trembling he was here in dettox to see me.................this guy passed my test he was in it for the long haul.....and my trust grew and grew.

Eric is now not only Eric but my Owner my Dom my Sir.....im his sub....not only that im owned.............his prized possestion....he cherishes me.....he cares for me.....he knew not to rush me.....he didnt want to hurt me or break my spirirt......A TRUE DOM!

I seem to have wanderd of the reason for this entry lol typical of me i start talking and i cant stop.....i as his sub knew it was my duty to share my thoughts so i told Sir no more wrapping me in cottonwool im ready to submit on a higher level so todays training session is the start to me being all i can be i want to please him so badly to know i am making him as happy....and contented as i am......i need to go now but there will be an entry later today after i have had the honour of being in Sirs presence...............

There is a part to me that is similar to most female on this planet.....we all dream about meeting that one special person and falling in love, sharing life together.....so much so that life becomes all about the search for who we assume our perfect partner would be like.....we know the qualities we want this person to have and that we want to be happy and to be loved its only human.

However as a child i never felt understood or realy loved, i was like a jigsaw puzzle i always felt uncomplete.....this feeling has followed me through out my adult life......the reason for this is because just finding someone to love and share my life with was never enough for me.....i never knew if it was just the romantic in me or the fact that my star sighn is pisces and we are well known for our soppy nature.....but i beleive we are all born with just one soulmate out there in the world and that the only way i could complete me was to find my soulmate.



With partners in my past i found out not many men share my veiws......or that i was expressing myself too mutch....smothering them at times....but i wasnt,i was looking for something they could not give me.....only my true soulmate could.So iv learned over the years to show love and emotion but to keep part of me hidden...from the outside world or people i meet.......iv never realy ever let anyone iv known before all of me.....iv allowed myself to love and be loved before......but not with all of my heart....iv lived life using the part to my heart and nature that has the ability to pick herself up dust herself down and start over again when she needs to.



That way i can be hurt or let down and because i havn't given all of me to anyone then there is a peice to me that no one can ever break.

I had stopped looking for the missing peice of my puzzle....accepted that maybe i wasn't meant to find happiness that way......then i met this man online 7 years ago that seemed to understand me......im not used to anyone understanding me so it scared me, to begin with as i spent time getting to know this person part of me wanted to ask them if they could feel the bond between us growing.



That was the part that beleives in soulmates and love it was also the part of me that had became so attached to having you in my life that i became catiouse knowing that i could loose you if i let the two of us become a couple.....in my head if we didn't meet in person i would never know what having you felt like....and i would also never know what it felt like to ever loose you.



Iv always had these strong feelings for you and i could never explain why.....nor did i know how to open up to you and let you know....you scare me...because you are the only person i have ever known that i want to open up to and let in, i want to share who i am and how i feel with you...in ways i cant put into words.



If you look up my old blogs you will find one i wrote about going to big in falkirk for the day woth my kids........about 5-6 years ago....i explained how id had my fortune told and the woman told me as she turned the last card" I am so glad this card appeared as she turned over the soulmate card".....she told me my angels were always with me and that the cards revealed that i had been badly treated by men throughout my life but not to give up hope....my soulmate was out there he was someone i knew but we would not get together until i sorted myself out and that it wouldnt happen for at least another 4-5 years.



I always wonderd if it was you she had seen in my future in my cards....i always hoped it was......but i was also always to scared to ask you if you wanted to be with me...................something in me knew when the time was right i would know and that is the honest reason i waited all these year to let you know i wanted to be with you.



I don't regret waiting this long as when we spoke about you training me a few years ago before you had your heart attack.......you were not looking for a long term sub...and i wasn't brave enough to admitt i wanted more....i was so in love with you back then i was ready to meet you and told myself i could stop myself from becoming too attached,i would have hidden how i felt back then....it would have been worth it just to be with you and then be an online freind again when you met a new sub or i met a new Dom.



Im not sure what changed your outlook on life whether the heart attack gave you a scare and made you want to grab every oppertunity life gives you with both hands....or whether it made you think christ i dont want to die alone or be alone anymore..................or whether your outlook has always been the same and i was to blind to notice you wanted me........im just so thankfull that we have this chance to be together.



I have written so many poems and blogs about a sub being Her Masters prize possesion......but they were only words...........explaining how i thought it would feel............how i wanted it to feel................until yesterday until you told me i was your prized possesion,they words meant so much....i cant explain....



I have been a submissive woman openly and exploring it for over 7 years but iv never wanted to submitt on this level before....even as i write this knowing you will check our site and read this sends a shiver down my spine and gives me goose bumps.....because i know that everytime i submitt to...it is on a level no other Dom or man has seen before or ever will again...............i know i have to allow you to see my full vunerable side and trust you with it to achive this level of submission........that may take me time but i promise you i will get there,



love from your lil cumslut.xxx

HIS WANTON SLUT.

she lives to be dominated!!!!

… the loss of control setting her free…allowing her to delve into the wants and needs she had kept buried deep beneath her surface…what does she find there…a place to unleash secret dreams and dark fantasies… set free only by the will of another…her Master…charming it…controlling it…taunting and teasing till he sences she has reached it sub heavan takes over her mind body and soul…the desire flooding her veins…burning and throbbing…the whole of her body twisting and writhing in the flames of the sweet ecxtasy…passion…aching for the beautiful release…the agony of want teaching me the meaning of real hunger…true desire?

she hungers for the rush of submission!!!!

… giving herself over to the will of her Dom…delighted in the knowledge that she as his wanton slut is learning how please him and in pleasing allowing herself to experience the ultimate gratification…giving the ultimate gift…herself…her body…her mind…her soul…giving all she can be…trusting her Master offering him her complete free will…thus allowing her to be filled with complete pleasure…all of her sences ares used…her body…her mind…her soul…all of it free…every fiber of her being full and alive…alive beyond her wildest dreams and fantasies…consumed in blinding rapture…

she craves to be broken to his will!!!!

… feel the fire-kissed licks of his belt across the cheeks of my her…the sting of the crop as it paints little crimson welts along the length of her thighs…the icy slap of her Doms words…humiliating her…degrading her…the silent power of her Doms touch…stealing the breath from her chest…warm fingers rolling and twisting my stiffened nipples…the …the sound of him softly breathing as he kisses down her neck …the way he bound her tightly round her tits....the anticipation....the sound oh that teasing sound of the crop as he lashes it in the air… her sences overload her eyes closed....leaving herself...open and vulnerable…helpless to resist…the pounding of her heart…the throbbing between her legs…the ache of the want making her sex weep…the sweet glistening tears drooling down her thighs…shattering the crystal pillars of her resistance…she is now his wanton slut.

SHE BELONGS TO YOU.

There are good sluts and bad ones dirty ones too

but there is only one lil cum slut and she belongs to you

her slavish slender body all silky and smooth

as Sir softly runs his hands over every groove

there she stand hands on head legs slightly apart

head bowed eyes downcast for her inspection to start

his hands tenderly run down her breasts a finger enters her quim

so still she must stand although she is trembling from within

this lil slave girl of his that is already soaking wet

small subtle breast with perfect nipples so pert

skin white and pale yet a pleasure to touch

as he binds up her breasts not to gentle nor to rough

not rough not yet as her Master likes to toy and to tease

his slut willingly offers her body and mind over to please

she is openly submissive every part of her yearns to be used

a mix of tender consummate love making and perverted abuse

placed on the bed as he binds her hands,legs spread wide

one finger at a time twisting till his full fist is inside

oh such sweet pain such pleasure she feels deep within

the sensation of the first time she was once again a virgin

this virgin of a sub who had been denied the chance to submit

until now is growing and learning one step at a time and bit by bit

she is now on a journey following a map that leads to treasure

learning from her Master how her submission can bring pleasure

pleasure for her Owner and pleasure for herself

what they share between them is greater than any wealth

for this she Thanks You Master from the bottom of her heart

May we stay this close forever and never drift apart.

(written on the 1st july)

THE ONION

She stood in the middle of a busy crowd but nobody saw her

she screamed at the top of her lungs but nobody heard her

not the true person anyway not the woman she could be

not the submissive inside her, a taboo creature of a twisted society

Whom is she of this woman I’m talking

a hidden shadow of me that follows as im walking

a submissive flower a small white single rose

that slowly defines itself in the garden as it daily grows

a seed that needs tender care to blossom and to bloom

a fragile lil package that should not be unwrapped to soon

a scared and lost child within her shell she hides

trying to run away from the big bad world outside

she is like an onion with its many layers waiting to be peeled

and with each skin she lets you remove a part to her revealed

and when you carefully unwind her gently to that self protected core

she will give only to you a key to unopened that double locked door

a new chapter in her book a page to write each and every day

as you offer her instructions to help her find her way

so Sir who is this woman i hide so well inside of me

she is the submissive lil angel that only you can see

she is an uncompleted novel sitting on humbly on Sir’s shelve

for completion by her Owner so she can discover her true self.

A SIMPLE TASK

There is such allot to me underneath my skin

so many qualities that i have deep within

but no-one takes the time to know the real me

only judging who i was on what the naked eye could see

a fine figure of a woman bet she is great in bed

well I'm a human being with a brain inside my head

there's more to me than lust'n'desires,i have hopes and dreams

guess nothing in this world as is simple as it seems

there are parts to me only Sir knows that exists

so he gave a simple task to write a simple list

why I'm more than just a sex object who i really am

with the added lil twist of putting it in a rhyme

this is not the poem Sir i was instructed to write

just a little reminder to keep my task in sight