My new form of media entertainment shows im getting older because I am now actively laughing and yelling at the TV.

Biggest Loser Australia has taken on a whole town of idiots who piss and whine their way into an early and very fuckin large grave.

Pathetic humans with piss weak excuses and sob stories, they complain about the trainers and I yell at the screen Give them to me for a month or 2 and I will give them cause to complain if they can.

Love it!

Maybe im just getting grumpy in my old age but fuck me if there are not 100 new 18 to 20 year old Pro dominatrixes parading about in the latest sexpo faux leather corsettry and bright CFM boots.

It is an exceptional teenage mind that can even begin to understand and process Dominance let alone carry out a decent play session....

GRRRR

It was revealed to me that im a fake!

Shock horror, So for a laugh here is the correspondence that enlightened me.

Thank you SlavegirlMilena

  for the high degree of internet expertise you employed to come to this amazing discovery having checked neither my forum posts, the length of time Ive been on Collarme.com or any other sites not to mention googling me.

Anyway, the Damning evidence coming from someone who's first language isn't English and is using a computer set by default to Germany.

The Damning Evidence.

My reply was deleted unread.

Well it seems im dying, One day at a time like most of us.

However this flu is not making me feel bright and cheery and I miss my ciggies.

I therefore decree that for the next few days i am going to be exceedingly unpleasant, as is my wont.

I will also plumb the depths of self pity, snot and foul language in a vain attempt to make me feel a bit better.

Having been recently reminded of Japanese bathing rituals of which I am currently NOT receiving I will also make an extra effort to be pissy, whiney and exceedingly needy for a change.

That is all.

The Uberwaldian thothiety of Igorths and Igorinna'ths ith proud to Accthept Thur Pumpy ath an Honorary Igor for thervithes rendered to the Thothiety.

On thith day, Thaterday, Thirteenth of Augutht 2011 In the year of the Morporkian Fruitbat.

Thigned by my hand on thith day,

Igor.

(thtrictly thpeaking its signed by my great grandfatherth hand with the aid of great Uncle Bert'th index and pinky fingerth but im not wraped in themanticth)

The sub Mafia ofcourse does not exist and is a figment of my imagination.

it is also a figment of everyone elses imagination if they know whats good for them.

However should such an organisation exist (Which it doesn't) then it should ignore my ramblings.

Here is a quick primer on how to escape confrontation, reposted from an old thread I contributed to which can be found here http://www.collarchat.com/m_3231779/mpage_1/tm.htm

The cookie defence only works with home made cookies containing Chocolate chips, fudge, fudge and choc chips with wheat products being optional.

The more feral subs will turn their snouts up at milk or cooking chocolate and this is why it is wise to use quality ingredients and to vary the types of chocolate.

Ive found that Dwarf Battle Cookies also work well provided they have a mixture of dark chocolate and dark chocolate coated roasted coffee beans in them with a 9:1 ratio of chocolate to actual biscuit.

When approached one should gently rustle the bag (Unbleached brown paper only) containing the goodies to grab their attention away from the your groinal area.

Once diverted you should again gently rustle the bag to fix their attention and to get the saliva glands working, only speak to them in gentle tones and DONT make any sudden moves whilst still in possession of the bag which the sub will now consider theirs.

Squat down keeping your eyes on the sub but making sure not to stare and slowly open the top of the bag and gently remove a cookie and hold it up so the sub can see the cookie.

At this stage you should check for excess drool usually indicated by tennis shoe lace strings of drool and if this is present you should place the cookie down, back slowly away and then place the bag open on the ground, back away about 10 feet and then walk away quickly to a place of safety.

IF you have no cookies handy some members of the sub Mafia are susceptible to cries of "Look! something shiny!" as a misdirect and by pointing behind them, the misdirect is intensified by flinging jewellery and other shiny objects over their heads such as nickel plated semi auto hand guns (.22 cal and above although a wide grip .38 super seems to work best) or at a pinch foil wrapped chocolate has been known to work.

THE MOMENT their gaze is averted you must make your escape quickly however once their concentration is broken it may take some time to refocus on their original target.

sM come in a few different types too and it is worth taking note of the pelt they sport on their heads.

The least dangerous is the Sandy sub, easily distracted and friendly by nature although they will pee when startled but generally make good pets.

Then there is the bejewelled rainbow sub, also friendly by nature but somewhat unpredictable at certain phases of the moon, will generally not pee when startled unless asked nicely. Mid level danger and easily subdued when shown Tofu and natural unbleached fibre clothing. Prefers unbleached wholemeal flour cookies with natural honey and oatmeal.

The Raven pelt sub is fairly high risk, usually identified by the midnight pelt and pale skin. generally found muttering to themselves about the Sandy subs shortcommings the Raven pelt sub is a warrior sub and with correct training can be dispatched as a cloaked assasin or Emo sub. There is no hard data on the best use of cookie bribes however any large calibre nickel handgun will excite them to near insensability for short while.

The Ranga sub is the most dangerous of the sM species and proudly sports a bright orange pelt, cannot be bribed even with diamond jewellery and is quite innovative in their hunting and capture methods.
Should you be confronted with a Ranga sub the best defence is to lay on your back and pee on yourself to make you less palatable and in disgust they will usually wander away growling under their breath.
Their preferred diet is fake dominants and social workers although social worker give them gas and indigestion.

I hope you find this helpful.

SP

Come unto me lost one and don't be afraid, to find they've stolen the truth and your mind has been played.....

Youre kidding!

Really?

Wow it HAS been 7 months hasnt it.......

Seasons greeting? what WAS I thinking!

Im sitting here, J is at work still sulking at her demotion to beeker from Lady J (Silly name I know but it was a moment of weakness) and im wondering where im going wrong with Our profile...

All we wanted was a like minded playmate or 2 and lately there's been nothing, not a sausage and I cant kid myself any longer that its someone else's fault or there are too many fakers out there so we end up playing with ourselves........ (Not that theres anything wrong with that)

Im also wondering why more Aussies dont post in the forums because its a great way to get to know each other.

My final thoughts however lead me to believe that the Scene as such has become a bit of a meat market/dating service which is kinda sad reading some of the profiles and what they seek and ye sometimes demand in their perfect mate.

And that's just the "subbies"

Anyhoo, I must now go and bake some more bribe cookies for I feel the sub Mafia will soon be calling on me to show me the error of my ways, correct spelling, grammar and perhaps even darn a few socks, To each other.

Choc mint today I believe.

Its "that" time of year again, Yes folks its subMafia cookie bribe time and this year im prepared.

Today I received my extra dark chocolate buttons, Milk choc buds and my Yoghurt buds in Strawberry and nilla in quantities of a kilogram each so if Lady J gets to the goodie cupboard she will be very ill and still have to leave some for the cookies.

Last year my Crunch frog surprise cookies (With green smarties) were a hit until the inevitable crunch time came around and some subbies bitched that it was cruel to bake frogs in cookies and others bitched that there was only one frog in the cookies.

So this year I have the solution and when you twiddle your thumbs expectantly you will be rewarded with an extra Domly NO.

Also this year I am not doing my Swiss style sugar cookies, im doing shortbread and Anzac cookies packaged as usual in well scrunched brown paper bags in small denominations only.

Any BagMen or women from the highly esteemed subMafia who complain will be snaffled, tied and NOT spanked as punishment.

Neener neener,

Pumpy Esq (Sir)

Im a social type and usually say HI! to people who's profiles grab me in some way.

Sometimes i ramble on a bit and I usually try to leave things open ended unlike some of the truely disturbing initial contact messages Ive been shown.

And yet I still draw blanks more often that hits and this is only saying Hi, what are you seeking and may I be of some help.

Im wondering if I smell although those I do chat and correspond with havent mentionned it.

So..... If I send you a note, to say G'day puhleeze say Hi in return, its polite, kind and put me in a good mood which pleases Lady J no end and stops me wandering around muttering under my breath.

BTW Ive now used my last Puhleeze for 2010 and will not be nice about it all until next year some time.

Sir Pumpy