Collarspace.com - The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Male Master,  Durham , United Kingdom
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SirBstard

SirBstard - photo 3
SirBstard - photo 4
SirBstard - photo 5
SirBstard - photo 6
SirBstard - photo 7
SirBstard - photo 8
SirBstard - photo 9
SirBstard - photo 10
SirBstard - photo 11

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Friends:
RavenMuseGracefIvyMorganSephandElenahothoneyuk
jozzMsTaniaCAPUTMORTEWhovianPlaguerat

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Highly experienced Master seeks compatible submissiveslave for mutual interest, experience an advantage.
Willingness to satisfy me and openness to depravity are excellent attributes

Username:

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Joined:

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 SirBstard

 Dominant Male

 Durham  

 United Kingdom

 5' 8"

 160 lbs

 Hetero

 Caucasian

 12/29/04

 01/11/21

Actively Seeking:

Dominant Female

Submissive Female

Switch Women

Domme/Dom Couples

 Lives For:

 Bird Watching

 Loves:

 Movies

 Anal Play

 Breast Play

 Collars (Expert)

 Role Playing

 Whips

 Likes:

 Art Galleries

 Bar Hopping

 Beachcombing

 Clubbing

 Coffee Shops

 Fine Dining

 Museums

 Travel

 Blindfolds

 Bondage

 Canes and Crops

 Local BDSM Community

 Fisting

 Gags

 Hair Pulling

 Humiliation

 Knife Play

 Leashes

 Masks (On Partner)

 Massage (Giving)

 Mental Bondage

 Obedience Training

 Objectification

 Orgasm Denial

 Outdoor Bondage

 Public Play

 Sensory Deprivation

 Shibari

 Spanking

 Stockings

 Suspension

 Uniforms

 Watersports

 Wax play

 Dislikes:

 Gas Masks

 Hard Limits:

 Crossdressing

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Journal Entries:
2/27/2018 2:52:20 PM
I'm so old I remember the time this site wasn't shit

9/16/2016 1:22:52 PM
"Is their any dominant or sadist on cs who would be interested in a midget masochist?"
THIS SITE JUST GETS WORSE.....ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

3/25/2014 6:43:46 AM

looking back on all my old messages and I find that most of them are now:

 "This user does not have an active profile"

was it something I said? ;)


3/25/2014 6:35:44 AM

and before anyone else asks I really AM 99 years old.

If I don't look it, that's because I exist on a diet of cold monkey brain soup.

If you don't think I can get hold of that many monkey brains then you've not been reading the profiles on here ;)


1/26/2014 10:58:12 AM

those people who complain that immigrants can't speak English clearly haven't read the profiles on here, written by jennywine English peeplWink


10/30/2013 3:16:48 PM

after a long time of studying the Eastern mystic arts I have decided to become more positive, less judgmental and an all round cheerier sort of chap.

Now I see the beauty in each flower and the hidden promise of each new day.

My opinion of the human race has totally changed, you are all full of joyfulness and wonder.

Except for you.

You're still a cunt.Wink


6/25/2013 5:23:11 PM

"Neurotics build castles in the air.

Psychotics live in the castles.

Collarme collects the rent".


6/22/2013 2:53:09 PM

I find it most odd....

the less people own books and the less people read, the more people have themselves tattooed with long quotations.

In the future I think that if we are wanting a bedtime read we shall be taking some random bodyarted tart... and a torch.


6/19/2013 3:12:09 PM

"this photo isn't me"

Well try using one that is

 

"I can't show my face as I work for the FBI"

Try using a picture of you that doesn't show your face

 

"I've found a Wonderful Loving Dom"

He's the third one I've found this week.

 

"location: UK"

I won't say which county I live in because I'm only here for a wank.

 

 

"Looking for a serious, long term relationship, hoping to get branded, own a collar, have kids by next Thursday. Friday latest"

Desperate. Rent's due and I blew it on banana flavoured cider.

 

"Financially secure."

JSA comes in every Wednesday.

 

Quirky SOH

"On major anti-psychotics"

 

Into reiki, hot stones and wikka

"On major psychotics and sectioned"


5/21/2013 3:48:30 PM

Can't you READ???!!!!

am only looking for someone OF MY OWN SPECIES

and they all died out in the fucking TIME WAR!!!!

anyone replying not of my species will be DELETED

 

(ps under the protection of Mistress Minge)


5/7/2013 2:41:17 PM

welcome to collarme, the home of the stolen Facebook picture Wink


4/2/2013 3:31:42 PM

you're looking down
if you jump then there's nobody to save you
nobody to tell you not to jump
we all need someone to persuade us not to jump.
A lot of you don't have that.
2,513 people on your friends list and nobody to tell you to hold on.
you might not have been looking into the abyss.
Yet
Life might have kept you too busy to think about it.
You might have kept life that way.
Some of you might have found life so hard that you entered a world of fantasy. Welcome to the internet: you can be who you want and say what you like.
None of it matters.
The only thing that matters is this: who is going to stop you jumping?


2/25/2011 9:12:56 AM
 

D/s CV

  • Bisexual female: Kissed a girl once when I was 12.
  • Experienced Master: I took a mate's dog for a walk once. It pissed on my shoes
  • Painslut: stubbed my toe yesterday and only cried for only two days
  • Hard player: at Cluedo
  • Poly-household: I hate her, she hates him, we all hate each-other- and nobody does the fucking washing-up.
  • Into rubber: Owns box of elastic bands
  • Into leather: Owns a pair of shoes.
  • Into electric play: Retrieves crumpet from toaster with a fork when it's switched on.
  • Edge player: Sometimes forgets whether the toaster's switched on or not.
  • Hates liars: and so do my In-Laws, the Beckhams.
  • 24/7 Lifestyle : Until my parents hear me wanking through the wall again.
  • Into rape, blackmail and kidnapping: until my parents knock on the wall and tell me to stop wanking.
  • 24/7 Lifestyle: Haven't got a life. Always on the sites telling the world what I had for tea
  • Fit and active: Owns a Nintendo Wii. Once walked to a bus stop. It was hell.
  • Into clubs: Owns a corset
  • Heavily into clubs: Owns two corsets
  • Runs own business: Sells my used corsets on Ebay
  • Well-known on the scene: And barred from every one.
  • Will switch for the right person: Fucking desperate.

11/3/2010 1:32:43 AM

Just got back from my dungeon in Transylvania in order to feed my gorgeous slaves.

I have to fly out there quite regularly as I cannot trust the locals to do this important task.
I currently have a vacancy.

If you would like to apply for a post as slave girl then just get in touch with a photograph and, on My approval I will have my chauffeur, Parker pick you up to take you to my private jet.

You shall then be conveyed to my dungeon of pain. Unless the plane falls out of the sky and you end up on a strange island surrounded by Bad Actors.

Before that, however I will need to meet you to ensure you can pass my tests.

 Be standing outside Macdonalds in the Metro Centre wearing fishnet stockings, 7" heels and a corset at 1pm lunchtime this Saturday.

We shall then take the omnibus to my batchelor pad in Gateshead where I shall beat you severely with my custom made Ikea spoons and ravage you mercilessly for unending seconds with my massive four inch penis. Naturally you will be gagged for my pleasure and to avoid waking the kids and the wife in the next room.

If you pass all of my horrid tests you may be allowed entry to my polyhousehold of slavegirls to await my pleasure. 

First, however, in order to be eligible you will need to purchase a Giant Sized bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, open the wrapper and if you find a Golden Ticket then simply phone me on the number provided.

Calls will be free on a BT line, other providers may charge 




9/7/2010 10:50:38 PM
When I agree to Dom someone I am entering into a contract which automatically places upon me a duty of care towards the submissive. I'm in charge, and with power comes responsibility.
If you don't know anatomy then find out.
If you can't be responsive to mental and emotional distress then take up train spotting or basket weaving.
You're not Matthew Hopkins, Torquemada or Elizabeth Bathory. Except in your head.
Doesn't matter how big and hard you are, or how you want to get your rocks off by torturing someone to near death. It's not just about you.
It's about them

9/6/2010 2:44:57 PM
Don't enter Ds thinking you'll find a better set of pals

It's the same all over. Same percentage of dickheads to sui generis

8/24/2010 1:19:50 AM
My fame spreads worldwide, thankyou airbander from Australia for the following;

"You are a true goddess"......"I know you are constantly bombarded with people telling you how beautiful, smart, sexy etc "

Not sure about the "goddess" part, but otherwise, pretty accurate so far.

8/22/2010 3:27:46 PM
I'm opening an online keyholder Domination service.

Don't give Bright House your last ESA payment, send it to me and I promise that you'll get absolutely and utterly fuck all.

How am I doing so far?

8/22/2010 8:20:43 AM
excellent evening at Narnia
Well done to all concerned
"I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more"
(except I'm a dead 'ard Dom and I don't beg)

8/17/2010 4:13:49 PM

Fucking Great Rant (FGR)

doncha just lurve those profiles of people looking for a LTR who don't even post a picture of what they actually look like?

Instead we get some generic "bdsm" image a dweeb ripped from the web.

The last profile I just looked at had a single image to represent them. It was a ....plate of strawberries


would you buy a car like that?:

Here's a pic of my car...
well it's not my car but it represents what I feel my car would look like. ...

...If I had a car at all
and I had something small and sexy and not this fucking great slow and wheezing milk float
caused by smoking too many tabs and eating too many Gregg's pasties

hey Collarme: isn't the main pic supposed to be of the member
Does anyone out there even give a shit about what the rules were supposed to be on here. Once upon a time...?

8/15/2010 3:08:37 PM
As you can see I have a gullfriend already so no trying it on, you WANKERS!!!! ;)

8/9/2010 11:27:18 PM
among the size zero experienced Pro Domme teenagers, the housewives addicted to crack and anonymous sex and the Oriental Facebook pictures looking for a Master...who send out generic missives from a cybercafe in Wolverhampton....sometimes you get genuine profiles, well written and charming from people who look-a bit.... ordinary.
....and are real
Restores one's faith
Almost

8/8/2010 4:14:07 AM
Great night at The Cave-again-if you haven't been, you should go-if you've have been -innit great?

8/7/2010 12:04:19 AM
I am a toothless, fat, bald sixty-seven year-old male with no experience and various embarrassing illnesses.
 I have a homicidal wife, twelve lovely children and live in a very nice caravan.
I am looking for a long term relationship with an oriental girl, between 21 and 25 years of age who is slim and attractive and drives an expensive car.
You must be fluent in Polish, be good with children and be interested in joing our poly household.

There we have it. At last: a realistic and honest Collarme profile.

8/2/2010 3:38:30 PM

Nowt wrong with a queue of lonely wimmin waiting for Prince Charming to take them away from their troubles ....as long as they don't mind us guys waiting for Princess Charming, in her new Ferrari, to take us away from ours. .

"Til the man of her dreams comes along picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age"

Lily Allen


8/2/2010 3:29:54 PM
I haven't a thing against genuine "pro-dommes" but isn't this site getting to be a Yellow Pages for the fake scamming cunts?

Is there anyone manning Collarme Central?
Helloooooo Mission Control

Your site is a joke

7/31/2010 12:04:11 AM
bdsm was invented so that randy,ugly people could get laid : discuss ;)

bdsm was invented so that Dominants could have a great excuse to avoid shagging (e.g WHAT! you don't DESERVE my penis!!!TAKE THAT!!!) : discuss

7/29/2010 11:01:14 PM

Collarme is changing its name.
As from August 2010 it will be known as "ScamMe"...


7/28/2010 11:43:50 PM
Warning: any institutions or persons using this site or any of its associate sites for studies or projects or any other reason -you can use my pictures as long as you've got big tits.

7/27/2010 9:34:49 PM
hmmmnnn lots of  ads from women with lots of cats fantasising about moving to new zealand for their one true Master, who they've never met.....why do people think it's easier having relationships when you travel to the other side of the planet?
I've been to Australia. People seem pretty much like they are here. Except they have sun tans and drink lager for breakfast.

7/27/2010 2:47:31 PM

never be a shoulder to cry on.

They'll be back together next week and you'll be a fucking embarrassment they never speak to ever again....;)

7/25/2010 11:48:10 PM
Lesson 1:
How to write a woman's profile.
It probably shouldn't look like this:

"i dumb cunt guy show me i good for fuck his now
fuckmeat now owned :) tank u all"

I mean the words are all there, but they do seem to be in the wrong order....;)

7/19/2010 11:47:25 PM
discovered a perfectly lovely church all abandoned.
hmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn could be a good setting for something......

7/14/2010 11:42:49 PM
blah blah blah, blah blah blah

7/13/2010 11:27:57 PM
I loved the Wild West:
Men were men and women were women.

It's a bit different on the internet:
Men are men and women are.... men.

7/8/2010 11:45:07 PM

How come nobody chooses a Second Life avatar that looks like they do?

(e.g.ugly, spotty, overweight from eating pizza for breakfast (at 3pm) and blinking from a lifetime spent with their curtains firmly closed, sealed with chewing gum and nailed shut)

...just wondering.....


7/4/2010 4:00:09 PM
hmmmmnnnnn
"curiouser and curiouser said Alice"
The last interviewee  we travelled miiiiiiiiiiiiiiles to talk to, locked and barred her door from the inside so we never did get to do the interview.
But she's now advertising herself as a prostitute (aka "pro submissive").
Let's hope she remembers to let her clients in through the door...

7/4/2010 4:07:27 AM
Sunday: I'm faced with the decision: which gorgeous rocket scientist nymphomaniac pervert athlete do I invite to dinner....?
.............nah...
I shall hit the highway on my nitrous powered Harley, the Porsche owners left in my wake, coughing in my dust.

Well if everyone else here writes shite, isn't it time for me to stop fighting the trend?

7/4/2010 3:17:19 AM
Guys!
Does the prospect of being a woman appeal to you?
Why bother with all that penis lopping off business? I mean, they WILL make a "reality" show out of your experience, but it means you can no longer piss standing up, so forget that.
Instead just join Collarme, and hey presto!
You can magically transform yourself into any one of a series of slim, young, enchanting and sexually insatiable females.
Go for it.
I mean it's the weekend and what else have you got to do?

6/30/2010 11:00:50 PM
Profile of the day:
Just one line , but what a line:
"looking for the right Master to dominate "
I've known quit a few submissives who might have written that...

6/28/2010 1:38:09 PM
quote of the day:
" .... I am looking for someone to settle down with, share my life with and grow old together."
This was taken from a profile on this very site...
HELLO
It's Collarme.
The only people who try to find "someone to settle down with, share my life with and grow old together." from Collarme adverts are people who shouldn't be allowed out without their key workers. 

6/27/2010 11:35:20 PM
chilled bbq with some "friends of a similar persuasion" aka "clique". Haven't larfed so much in a very long time.
It's not really a clique as anyone can join in, but where's the fun in admitting that?
We have a clique and we're all dead 'ard. We have secret handshakes and everything.
I'd tell you the first rule about Perv Club.
But we don't talk about that.....

6/27/2010 12:47:59 AM
Collarme is getting more like Second Life every day.
mmmm
Let's see who....... will I be today???

6/23/2010 3:46:22 AM
Helpful Hint:
if you're going to make a profile photo by photographing yourself in front of a mirror... at least be holding a decent camera.
Otherwise you'll look cheap and like you have no friends to hold your camera..

6/12/2010 4:53:04 AM
as people name themselves after suitable painters eg "rubenesque", I have decided to follow this trend and call myself "Hieronymus Bosch-esque".
 I'm the one on the left with the head of a chicken

6/10/2010 6:51:24 AM

Is it just my imagination or are most of you a bunch of sad fuckers?

6/9/2010 12:31:27 PM

Steve Jobs?

You know NOTHING
 
This is the 21st Century ffs
 
You'd sell loads more I-Phones  if you called them ME-phones

6/7/2010 11:32:16 PM
Looking for online fun?
Have you tried PacMan?

6/6/2010 11:30:16 PM
Attended The Cave, a new venue in the North East.
I used to feel very apologetic for living in this  part of the country, impoverished as it was for social life of a Ds nature.
Not now though.
This is the second new local club to have opened within the last twelve months, and it provides something quite unique.
Despite the slump, some things are looking up.

6/6/2010 4:29:21 AM

"Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls:
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed. "

William Shakespeare

6/2/2010 11:43:51 PM
Dawkins be damned
There IS a God
It's the "hide user" button
All praise Collarme
Now sing hymn 435

6/1/2010 2:05:04 PM
...back from London
4/6 people we were meant to meet...vanished
This is now an X File

5/28/2010 1:36:50 AM
off to London
back next week.
leave a message after the beep

5/23/2010 11:24:31 PM
....is it just me or is there something inherently wrong about someone who says they are "submissive" yet has a veritable laundry list of requirements, rules and expectations (most of which are totally unrealistic)?.

5/18/2010 11:57:43 PM
Birthday! I celebrate by going for a run in the early morning sunshine and getting some exercise.
You guys might wanna look that word up...

5/17/2010 12:14:32 AM
"WELCOME to Fantasy Island, the one and only island where you can live out your fantasies! Anything that you want to happen here not only can happen, but will happen! "
Then you wake up. It was aaaaaaaall a wank..

5/16/2010 3:13:15 AM

Another day.
Same basic concept.
Same Muppet Show.
Same Muppets.

5/15/2010 6:42:52 PM
I'm looking for a ltr with a bbw for a 24/7 D/s . Must be into w/s and be an AC/DC switch.

I think I'm going to give up on all this bollocks. I think you're all a bit dim.Too much wanking I'll be bound.

On second thoughts no I won't be bound. I'm a Dom.And they don't get bound. I read that somewhere.

5/15/2010 6:19:43 PM
I am becoming inkreesingly disapointed at the level of intellijence displaid on this site.
Have you neva herd of fucking spel chek?

Funny really. The one word most of you never get wrong is "dyslexia"...

5/15/2010 6:16:01 PM
Why am I here?
Simple.
I enjoy battering women.
And fish.

5/15/2010 8:47:24 AM
Just read the words "keep it real" on someone's profile.
lol
Oh I'm sorry. I thought this was Collarme....;)

5/11/2010 11:01:30 PM
Haven't laughed so much in ages.
Thankyou RAC, and thankyou Renault

5/10/2010 11:23:12 PM

An Eschatological Laundry List

From 'If you Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him' by Sheldon Kopp

1. This is it. 
2. There are no hidden meanings. 
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there is no place to go. 
4. We are already dying, and we'll be dead a long time. 
5. Nothing lasts! 
6. There is no way of getting all you want. 
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it. 
8. You only get to keep what you give away. 
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things. 
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there's no compensation for misfortune. 
11. You have the responsibility to do your best nonetheless. 
12. It's a random universe to which we bring meaning. 
13. You really don't control anything. 
14. You can't make anyone love you. 
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else. 
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. 
17. There are no great men. 
18. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way. 
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends. (yes, you too, and most certainly myself.) 
20. All evil is potentially vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something if you will only own it. 
22. Progress is an illusion. 
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems. 
24. Yet it is necessary to keep struggling toward solution. 
25. Childhood is a nightmare. 
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of-yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up. 
27. Each of us is ultimately alone. 
28. The most important things each man must do for himself. 
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is. 
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it. 
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge. 
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data. 
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do. 
35. No excuses will be accepted. 
36. You can run, but you can't hide. 
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats. 
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness. 
39. The only victory lies is in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences. 
42. What do you know for sure...anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again.


5/10/2010 11:11:49 PM
as you can see from some of my pictures I'm one of the few people into D/s who are still fit enough to walk about and stuff.
n.b: Formation pie-eating is NOT an Olympic sport

5/3/2010 3:17:19 PM
women: keep sending me hot pics

If you haven't got any hot pics try putting some ordinary ones in a microwave for a few minutes. I'm not fussy.

5/3/2010 3:14:55 PM
Since I started my diet I have lost a lot of pounds
But not as many as when I adopted Suzi Wong, my Nigerian sex slave, regrettably still stuck in customs awaiting my next contribution to her legal fund.

5/3/2010 3:04:51 PM
People in "the lifestyle" get tattooed so much because the people they sleep with can't read and have to look at the pictures: Discuss.

Oh sorry. I thought this was Informed Consent ;)

5/3/2010 12:44:15 PM
Please remember: I'm a man first and a pychopathic brain eating killer second.

5/3/2010 3:37:03 AM
IMHO....a great many people in "The Lifestyle" aren't safe to be out without mummy and daddy... and they should be getting specialist help

5/2/2010 3:43:30 PM
Like most guys on here, I'm a lesbian, and I'm only interested in women.

5/1/2010 10:26:56 AM
Lovely video on a Chelmsford sub/Dom profile.
It's their extension. And not in a sexual way.

5/1/2010 2:44:05 AM
Some days I feel like a right ugly fucker.
Then I check out the pics of the other blokes on here, and generally I feel a whole lot better...

5/1/2010 2:41:36 AM
Don't get out much, do you?

4/29/2010 3:38:51 PM
How odd
people pop up and want to be your friend -they have a "freewheeling sexual lifestyle and wanna do norty things" with you, then then *poof* they vanish leaving nary a vapour trail.
Life is complicated. I guess they realise that sometime after the first meeting..reality can bring you down with a bump can't it.?..you can be anyone you like on here...but in the real world there is...an element of...risk

4/29/2010 3:28:47 PM
have you noticed how many people there are on here who describe themselves as bbw dyslexics but how few people there are who describe themselves as literate anorexics....?

4/29/2010 3:23:58 PM
they should bulldoze this site and make way for a latrine...
...the world needs latrines

4/26/2010 4:18:45 PM
anyone care to judge me?
Mind if I have a quick peek at your life first?

4/24/2010 10:23:49 AM

Profile Recognition Lesson
There are three main types of profiles on Collarme:
1.Bollocks
2.Shite
3.Shiteybollocks

4/23/2010 7:59:36 AM
Went to see Kick Ass. Great movie, I was a bit worried about the portrayal of a pre-pubescent girl as a potty mouthed assassin, but then I thought-well-things haven't changed much, really.

Who can forget the jolly 1970's childrens cartoon "Crystal Tits and Alistair"?
 
A supposedly innocent tale about a young girl with artificial breasts and a mini skirt and her "adventures" with a pet dog.
Can viewing this filth be the reason why so many of the 70's generation have grown to be so corrupt,evil and needing punishment?

We should be told

4/18/2010 10:05:05 AM
I have the distinct impression that if those people who "do" BDSM were in charge of the space programme, we'd have got a rocket to Blackpool by now

Just

4/15/2010 12:13:37 PM
Looking for a LTR?
Been hurt in the past?
Not "wanting to be a doormat"
Not looking for random sexual encounters? Let me introduce Collarme:
The ultimate definition of "looking for love in all the wrong places"

4/14/2010 1:13:24 PM
does anyone check the ads here anymore ffs?
check :
KateMc
(I reported this ad to collarme and got some loony automated response - but the wanker has gone anyway-no doubt due to vigalante activity. )
Nobody checks anything on here, ever. That's why this site is bollocks. And I say this as an experienced lesbian Dominatrix called Glenda)

4/11/2010 11:36:18 PM
Interesting weekend

You can have a lot of fun with vodka, a large packet of balloons and a video camera....

4/11/2010 3:48:39 PM
fantasy

where most of you are at

as Dirty Harry said:

"a man's got to know his limitations"

4/9/2010 2:33:10 AM
how weird is it that lonely blokes with too much time on their hands make up identities and post profiles, not just of women, but of women who are-um-"socially challenged"

What's that about then?

here's a tip guys. It's easy to tell who you are.Most real women on here aren't 18 and size 8.

Try posting webcam pics of a fat, ugly slapper with no teeth. They're usually genuine....

4/7/2010 11:51:21 PM
Confucious he say:
if you keep sniffing glue, don't be shocked if people start calling you a stuck up bitch.

4/7/2010 11:20:37 PM
Confucius he say:
Age is a state of maturity. Old is a state of mind.
Roll over and give up?
You're old. Whether you're twenty or eighty.

4/7/2010 11:12:53 PM
Confucius he say:
If you piss on your geraniums, don't be too shocked when they die.

4/7/2010 11:11:57 PM
Confucius he say:
if you sit watching TV, smoking fags and eating Mars Bars all day it's probably inaccurate to surmise that you can't get a man/woman/llama because they're all so fucking superficial

4/7/2010 11:08:22 PM
Confucius he say:
When you're frantically digging a hole with your own shovel in your own back yard ...... it probably is a little pointless moaning about how muddy you're getting.

3/25/2010 12:54:13 AM
according to 78% of the profiles on here  YOU GUYS DONT KNOW WHAT LESBIAN MEANS.
What's the matter with you?

Have you never seen a woman in dungarees before?

3/25/2010 12:50:02 AM

Quote of the Day:

"I take your soul. I will it. No compromission, no discussion! You'll do all what is talked to you!
I'll corrupt and degrade you without consideration for your desires.
Be polite and respectuous!!!"


Until now, I didn't realise that my boss was even on this site....


3/25/2010 12:43:25 AM
mmmmmmm....let's see, what have we here...crap crap crap crap crap......oh look. A list of "hard limits":
"Nothing that can lead to death"
Well now.
You're alive aren't you?
Doesn't life lead to death?

3/22/2010 12:26:02 AM
...but not many look biddable

3/22/2010 12:23:46 AM
My, my- aren't there a lot of grateful people about?

3/19/2010 12:37:37 AM
Remember when......profile pictures used to be of the person and not some kittens/goldfish/stylised cartoon? 

3/17/2010 4:48:36 PM
quote of the day:
"....Im a 24 year old size 18 submissive women (sic), with some degree of intelegence (sic). "

3/17/2010 12:44:01 AM
There seems to be a rash of "I'm getting very old and flabby and my husband left me for a bimbo" profiles on here, accompanied by Facebook type photos.

What kind of bloke gets off on writing that shit?

Someone who has never met a real woman, obviously



3/15/2010 12:24:12 AM
D/s is no substitute for a sound psyche.

People who are mentally disturbed/damaged (or drunk, or on drugs) should probably do something else. Something safer.

Like playing with a loaded shotgun.

3/14/2010 4:26:32 PM

This is a Public Information Film:

Girls of a certain hue
Go and get a rose tattoo

Girls of a certain class
get a tigger on their arse

Some girls look like Amy Winehouse
(they can read their arms whilst in the shitehouse)

They'll tell their grandkids about the singer
And they'll reply "Oh, that old minger!"

So before you mark your skin with ink
Get your head out your arse and have a bit of a think



3/14/2010 9:44:45 AM

3/14/2010 7:09:21 AM
http://www.sexinchrist.com/


roflmfao!!!


3/14/2010 3:56:52 AM

Profile of the day:

"not seeking
I am looking for a Dom......"

3/13/2010 12:45:28 AM

Sitting here waiting for my muffins to toast (mental note:don't sit so close to the fire...)
 I am pressing the "hide user" button whenever I come to a stupid motherfucker profile.
Then the awful realisation dawns on me:
 I have hidden everyone....

3/9/2010 9:03:51 AM
I don't like shaven heads, facial hair or beer bellies. I don't think they look good on women, (unless they're Spanish)

3/7/2010 2:54:25 PM

Candies give you cavities
Ice cream for teeth's a killer
The flavour doesn't matter
But watch out for vanilla


3/4/2010 11:54:51 PM
Collarme site is collapsing under the weight of its cliches.

2/27/2010 7:22:59 AM

I am OWNED by Mistress_HSBC.

She is cruel and heartless and demands unrealistic tributes, but I dearly love her, and all her fuckwitted Pakistani call centre staff

2/17/2010 11:21:43 PM

I am led to the belief that all people involved in the dodgy world of D/s are just........a little bit....silly.

2/17/2010 11:14:23 PM

"Is it Just Me" Department:
Is it just me or are transvestites the only genuine profiles left on Collarme ?

I can only think that's because nobody would actually pretend to be one of those....

2/12/2010 9:30:13 AM
... tributes are getting to be a very common requirement on here

is this a lifestyle site or a whorehouse?

if it's a whorehouse, someone show me to the piano

2/12/2010 7:56:01 AM
doncha just lurv it when people say ect when they mean etc ?

Admittedly most of you twats do need ect

2/10/2010 11:03:24 PM

1. fantasy is a Good Thing

2.reality is a Good Thing

3. don't mix 'em up ;)


2/3/2010 10:59:26 PM


I like blank profiles

They are minimalist, so you don't have to read unmitigated pap .

I have a growing dread that there are even more inadequate and feeble minded souls in D/s than there are in the vanilla world


1/24/2010 9:07:55 AM
party set for 29th

be there or be..... somewhere else

1/24/2010 5:21:21 AM
"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"

Right here, I suspect

1/19/2010 10:56:42 AM

There are only two genuine women on this site and I'm both of them

1/17/2010 6:29:29 AM
For those new to perversion I am writing an Online D/s Dictionary:
Here's what I have today:
Genuine female= A bloke
I am a LESBAIN can't you read= A dyslexic bloke
Husband is aware= that's why he bought the shotgun
Experienced=Did you have nipples before I did that?
Looking for a Long Term Relationship=Bunny Boiler
Hurt in the Past=well-duh!
Genuine Submissive= here's a 12 page list of what I'm not going to do EVER if you are after a LTR and have a rabbit
No Limits slave required=I have so many of my own, I don't need any of yours
I have a stable of slaves=which I keep in this magical kingdom behind the wardrobe
Split my time between here and Barbados
= until Interpol catch up with me
I'm a post op TS=who still hasn't learned to shave
I have a wonderful Master=who lives next door to Santa in Greenland
We are a poly couple looking for another sister slave=who lives in this magic lamp
Only limits are kids, scat and animals=I worked in Macdonalds and that put me off for life
I have a great car=but it's a Skoda, not the one in this picture
No cock shots=so I can be genuinely surprised about you having a tiny penis

1/16/2010 3:44:31 AM
You may have noticed when making a profile your location defaults to Canada.

Instead of whingeing about it why not just fucking move there?

1/16/2010 3:22:27 AM
After all these years I now know why some people go all LadyGaGa over kewt dogs the size of fat rats with ribbons in their fur .

It's because most people are sad stupid crass witless losers and kewt dogs the size of fat rats with ribbons in their fur are slightly less ridiculous by comparison.

At least people don't piss in the street.

Unless they come from Gateshead.

1/10/2010 11:27:21 PM
Collarme?:
99.9% premium retard

1/3/2010 3:23:06 PM
Doncha just lurve the male dom profiles that have loadsa pictures of cunts, but no pictures of them

I mean you're supposed to be a cunt when you're a Dom, but not that literally...

1/3/2010 3:02:50 AM
I am an unfair and unfirm Dom.To be honest I just can't be arsed. Go flog your fucking self.
I am looking for a dyslexic curvy doormat who has had 23 previous names and 45 previous collars.
You must be willing to relocate because if I had to get off my fat arse I would be in danger of burning some calories and spilling this can of Fosters.
You must also buy me an oil tanker off Ebay as a tribute.
No Somali pirates  on board though, just some  lesbian slaves to go with my stable of other lesbian slaves so I can watch them doing stuff to each other and have a wank while watching Sky Sport.
This is a genuine profile. I only ask that you are as genuine as I am.
Or preferably genuiner.

1/3/2010 2:51:48 AM
Hello.
I'm primarily interested in wasting peoples' time so please send me all your unwanted socks and spare potatoes.

12/29/2009 9:31:16 AM

Christmas- and what a wonderful selection of stimulating questions we find on here:

What is the best can-opener for an experienced Domme?

What are you favourite bdsm themed pastries?

Which EastEnders actor do you think is into felching a camel's ass?

How about some sensible questions:

Why do so many fat wimmin fancy skinny actors?

If you're that "Beautiful" then pick on someone your own size and start wanking over John Goodman and Jack Black and leave poor Johnny Depp alone


12/10/2009 12:43:26 PM

What a bummer!
Six people I knew personally have all died in tragic circumstances.
Would have been seven but I ran out of fucking bullets

12/8/2009 10:59:13 PM
Doncha just love the submissive profiles that  give you a list as long as a telephone directory, of hard limits.

12/6/2009 2:44:04 PM
oooh CM removed my pics!!!!
I suspect someone didn't like what I said
*pouts and flounces off*

12/6/2009 3:20:32 AM
To abide by new collarme rules I have included:

A main pic that isn't me but some daft bdsm drawing

A generic picture that represents me as a man of action flying over Everest in a hang glider. Who the fuck is that crazy dude? Who cares

A photo of a 32 year old schoolgirl in a mini skirt, which I accidentally put on my scary Dom profile, when it should be on one of the 2,342 younghornychick profiles I have on here

And lastly I have included a pic of some ugly cunt staring blankly into his webcam, the curtains behind him closed in daylight. This has to be a webcam pic as he doesn't ever leave the house and he hasn't any friends to hold a camera. If it was a wider angle lens you'd see the heads in his fridge, mummified mother in a rocking chair, twelve half-empty pizza boxes and the overflowing cat litter tray.

I suggest you amend your profile to follow these guidelines before I report you

12/5/2009 12:29:07 PM
I'm not totally convinced that all of these profiles are genuine

12/5/2009 8:48:40 AM
Statistically there are far more people with dyslexia on here than there are in most other places.
Also there are far more men on here exploring their identities as a blonde teenage bimbo in a short pink dress than you would find in Tesco on a saturday afternoon.
I'm not sure why this is.
XRandeyMandyX

12/5/2009 7:47:34 AM
Quote of the Day:

"I just joined this site to see if I could find some horny scups for me & my female friend to go two's on."

mmmmmm...."horny scups".......

11/24/2009 12:39:16 PM

Your submission is indeed a gift.
As has oft been truly said
But let me think on this awhile....
..can I have a Porsche instead?

11/22/2009 3:24:03 PM
Profile of the Day:
"I have set myself the rather strange target of finding two sane, intelligent, witty lesbian lovers for my own personal voyeuristic pleasure."
Oh..... fuck off

11/22/2009 3:11:54 PM
Advice to all you really hot women out there:
Open a window.

11/22/2009 5:31:37 AM
Great party
Thanks folks
It's not the quantity of people you share your time with that is important, it's the quality of those people that counts

11/18/2009 11:47:50 PM
Honourable mention goes to those who flock to every club and munch so that they can be seen there.
Not because of the innate value of the experience.
In my experience clubs and munches are usually a bit desperate, full of tired moths fluttering blindly around unlit candles
And they eat your clothes
Bastards....

11/18/2009 4:04:12 PM
Bit of a waste of time ranting about fantasists, really.
Yes I know I've done it
But....
This is, after all, a Brave New World.
To a lot of people who sit tip tapping at the keyboard whilst having a wank at the exploits of some other nutter who never leaves their house either....is reality....
They are experienced in bdsm just as people who do Flight Simulation games are experienced pilots...

11/15/2009 12:12:45 PM
Profile of the Day
If people want to be taken for genuine then a profile must be seen to be flawless.
....Also so many write so little in thier profile.... "

11/8/2009 5:14:01 AM
Introductions:
Don't mince words.
When you know what you want, just say what it is. Here's an example taken from these very pages.
Feel free to take notes:
"I am an intense person. The only limits are kids, scat and of course your death. "


11/1/2009 3:56:28 PM
A quote from my favourite author Anais Ninny:
"I do not want to be a pervert. If you want to be a pervert, then jolly good luck to you, squire, but I do not want to be a pervert.
I want to be perverted, but I do not want to pervert. I want instead to be quoted endlessly by illiterate people who want to be perverted.... in a totally safe LTR kinda way..."
...youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.....MUPPETS

10/30/2009 11:03:13 AM
Hints & tips No 27:
When having your portrait taken for Collarme, remember:
1.Staring at the camera with your mouth open is never a good look.
2.Beards don't have universal appeal to the opposite sex. Especially if you're a woman and you've got one. Shave it off, or at least wash the spunk out of it. 

10/29/2009 12:45:32 AM
urban myths
If you checked out this site in order to understand the Ds lifestyle you might come away with the notion that most participants in it are particularly....erm......fuckwitted...

10/7/2009 12:22:36 PM
I have terminal manflu, which is why I'm sharing more of my wit than usual with you saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad people
I used to do this all day
tapping away on my journal, posting on here like it was relevant
How sad was I?
Sadder than some of you who read it
I should've made you pay to read my bejewelled prose...speaking of which I STILL haven't written any more of my book
The laptop stands accusingly open, telling me I have a duty to the human race
Hang on
I've seen some of you naked.
 "Human" is stretching a point

10/7/2009 12:07:18 PM
Some men put frocks on and pretend to be women, or they don't bother putting the frocks on coz this is the net and who can tell....
The problem with people who dress as maids and ponce about with feather dusters is that their homes have abadnoned Ford Fiestas in the lounge, a mattress on the floor and dog shit all over the carpets. It's not a feather duster you need dear it's a fucking JCB

10/5/2009 11:50:56 PM
This picture isn't me, it just represents what I would look like if I wasn't a 19 year old lesbian in a tartan mini-skirt

10/5/2009 6:13:41 AM
People who don't get out much are somewhat misled by the bulk of the profiles on here....
Hello!!!!
They aren't reality. They aren't real people wanting to find real people. They're unreal people having a wank.
The reality is that getting any sort of relationship going and keeping it sorted is very difficult. D/s relationships even more so.
That's why so many people make stuff up.
It's a lot easier.
I hate to break it you you but a two word profile that goes: "fuckslut required", is possibly not going to hit the jackpot. ...unless it's addressed to me....

9/29/2009 11:57:50 PM
I think there should be more perversion resorts.
You know, somewhere you could go on holiday and do a bit of D/s.
Judging by the amount of people who stick their toes in the pervy waters and then jack it in for trainspotting, I think there would be a big demand from these "clients" to "do" S&M for a couple of weeks and then bugger off back home to the wife and kids.

9/27/2009 6:13:40 AM
There are a many different sorts of fetishes.
Some are extreme perversions like "eating shit", and there are websites for this sort of thing.
If, however you're only interested in talking shit, may I recommend "Collarme" as the website of choice?

9/24/2009 10:37:55 AM

I have frequently been asked by Americans if they can see a picture of my ass.
So I have included one. As this site no longer censors dirty pix I might just get away with it


9/21/2009 1:05:20 PM
In case you're wondering if there is anything less reliable than Collarme, try an online language translation service.
This is an ad from Ebay (for a camera lcd protector), presumably translated into Ingrish from Chinese :

"Protector LCD Screen Ward for Digital Camera Screen

Description:

  • Using DC Screen Ward before sticking,fucking with softness the cloth will show to hold to wipe clean
  • DV Screen Ward Will protect the decals that stick on facing to the botto fores to rise 2/3
  • Aiming at the position will protect to stick from ascend to descend to stick to hold the act ascends, and tore to rise the material first floor completely.
  • Use the neat and smooth card(such as credit card), pared off lightly in the surface, the clearance glues the stingy bubble that stick remains.
  • Then tore the next blue colorin surface layer emergency mask.
  • The static electricity sticks to attach the technique, do not contain the glue can glue to stic many times.
  • Bear to whet, the anti-pares off, lasting long to wear well.
  • High deeply light, the appearance is clear.
  • Defend the reflection, valid percolation ultraviolet ray.
  • The craft is precise, the size comparison is accurate.
  • Defending the fingerprint defends the oil dirty."
    Next time you use one of these translation services to send a message to that nice Nigerian slave girl, you may just plunge this country into war

9/20/2009 10:49:13 PM
There has been some debate within the wonderfully sooper chatrooms on here as to whether I am real.
I think this might be because people didn't think that anyone could be quite so witty and gorgeous. The fact that I could also spell "cat" also looked a bit dodgy.
So today I can reveal that I am indeed a figment of your imagination. And that that you should see a psychiatrist

9/14/2009 10:19:39 AM
Quote of the Day:
".....Our minagery of sluts are coming along fine. For those of you who've passed my test life's turning brighting in the loving embrace of my collar."

Esol classes, anyone....?

9/13/2009 3:57:26 PM
cynical?
sarcastic?
pretentious?
moi?

9/13/2009 3:55:08 PM
D/s relationships aren't about sex. They're about some sad lonely fucker with no friends taking a photograph of their pasty face with a webcam and telling the world about  what Dominance and submission really means...

9/13/2009 3:41:26 PM
Even people who used to be interesting have a habit of becoming really tedious- as if they are a butterfly going back into the chrysalis and emerging as a caterpillar.
Very sad:
"I sold my one vision, for a piece of the cake.
I haven't ate in days
":
Blondie

9/12/2009 7:15:05 AM

Ist Rule of Collarme:
your profile pic has to be of you.
well it IS
well....
It's a lot more genuine than most of the profile pics on here...


9/12/2009 5:40:14 AM

If you'd like to be helpless, abused and pissed on, why not just open an account at the HSBC?

9/2/2009 11:16:58 PM
"the online bdsm community"?:
Two bald men arguing over a comb

8/28/2009 10:51:21 PM

Due to the impending birth of my cocker spaniel's puppies the next Spennymoor munch will be delayed by a week

8/21/2009 4:04:19 PM

Isn't it remarkable how Domly guys become when their wives / mothers are safely asleep upstairs.......?
ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

8/18/2009 1:21:25 PM

I am using the title "SirBstard" as the name "OpinionatedCunt" was already taken

8/15/2009 3:18:44 PM
I'm not a doormat, but am looking for 24/7 twooo lurve on this site. A romantic God is sought. Someone with a lust for danger. Perhaps a helicopter pilot or a strapping member of the SS, thawed from a block of ice.

Alternatively, as I'm getting desperate and it's late: some ugly twat with a new BMW, as long as it's not the 1.6. Or a diesel.

Nobody who is married or in a relationship, as my husband has strict ideas about fidelity



8/10/2009 12:56:48 PM

Helpful Hint:
If you've got teeth like gravestones don't smile at the fucking camera

7/22/2009 12:34:39 AM
will the last genuine advertiser on this site please switch off the light before leaving.

7/15/2009 3:33:27 PM

Definition or sadness:
looking for a LTR (or any other kind of "R") on Collarme....
Take up a pottery class. You won't marry anyone there either, but at least you'll stand a better chance of someone playing with your jugs

7/9/2009 5:26:42 AM
Sunderland munch last night:
A rare thing-good company, no cover charge and a jolly good evening with friends (even if the drinks are still overpriced pints of piss and the bar staff act like the fact that they're on minimum wage is entirely your fault)
We had Doms, Dommes, TV's subs and slaves, but I did miss the 19 year old lesbians in pink cowboy hats that you see on here so often

6/22/2009 12:59:48 PM
The Most Spelling Mistakes In One Sentence Award goes to masochiststar for :

"i'm totaly up for haveing wax poured on my terrified tounge."

6/22/2009 12:56:16 PM
profile of the month.... goes to laura 5555

"hello am lafy on here that looking for a good relationship on here ok babe i wish to right person on here babe?tyx. "

I'm ssssssssssssssoooooooo tempted....

6/7/2009 11:33:51 AM

I hope I'm going to touch all the bases, but I may miss a few.

If I do so, I apologise .

I have an original idea that all people in bdsm are fat, that many of them are fakes and that as I don't get any replies to my profile they must all be very rude
As I have just started out in bdsm and have just lost my job does anyone know how I can make a violet wand out of two toilet roll tubes some D cell batteries and a sheet of fablon.
Does anyone know anything about poly households as I'm thinking of starting one up as soon as I get a girlfriend and move out of mother's house
I have written some erotic fiction. I hope you like it:
She was in the shower, showering and rubbing her pert penguins with suds when suddenly she heard a strange noise. There was someone in the bathroom dressed in skin tight pvc, carrying a bullwhip and gargling with Tesco budget mouthwash. Strange hands grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the floor
"You are mine now, you slut" he said in gruff and strange voice.
Slowly and strangely he unzipped his banana, which he had left over from lunch

Part two will follow after I have written my new poem called :
"The Stranger in the Bathroom"


6/7/2009 2:20:34 AM

Losing track of why I'm here, apart from the internet being a great place for dyslexic vanity publishing
This site isn't really much of an advertisement for any kind of lifestyle.
If this site was Ikea it would be selling genuine Swedish wooden spoons that were really made out of plastic from Ottowa (UK).
That broke when you stirred soup.
If this site was MacDonalds it would sell you burgers that always had dead mice in them.Every time.
If this site was a Renault dealer it would offer you a 3 litre coupe that did 200mph and 40mpg, but when it was delivered you found you were the proud owner of a dumper truck.
That didn't start.
Between the Financial Dommes with fuzzy pictures offering never to meet you but to take all your money, to the messages from Nepalese slave girls living in New York who need money for rice, to the dogpoopeating lesbian nuns there is little room left for anyone Real.
Now it's out of control, like Frankenstein's monster sitting in the lab..... writing another profile as a 19 year old ballet dancing nymphomaniac








5/24/2009 1:07:01 PM

while we're on the subject, I hear an MP bought a house for his ducks.

I too am a bird lover and, as I'm an environmentalist, I keep free range hens, so I was wondering...

Can I buy a nice house for my cock?


5/24/2009 12:40:34 PM
Like most lesbians on here, I'm most likely to orgasm when having sex with a woman

5/24/2009 11:58:10 AM

This site needs an enema

5/17/2009 4:16:45 AM

a lot of people appear to use the internet to explore another identity. Perhaps something a little more "racy" and "interesting" than their safe, but humdrum existence allows.

You know the sort of thing-a thirty-four year old bloke who lives in Sidcup high-rise with his mother, and yet, at the same time has a large house with its own grounds where every Sunday he shackles his stable of pony girls to their carts and goes shopping at Waitrose.

Or perhaps he genuinely empathises so much with the plight of lesbians in a harsh and judgemental society that he becomes one of them after 9.30 when mum goes to bed.

Given the above, if one was to invent and alternative persona, who would it be.....?

I favour becoming a mixed-race lesbian Mistress with learning difficulties and a dodgy back. That way if anyone is rude to me I can claim compensation it at least four key areas....and possibly get a HUUUUUGE  grant from the ESF


5/14/2009 3:42:59 PM

Is it my imagination or has Collarme turned into a pile of shite?

5/10/2009 3:35:16 AM

Like many on here I have a thing for the poetry what I write. I love the English Language and all it's pecadillos.
I'm currently working on a love song. It's called:

"I want to see the fire in your eyes
It's the main reason I bought the petrol"

5/10/2009 3:13:14 AM
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am now a female slave from Nigeria.

5/9/2009 12:43:52 PM

The Critics Say:
"....razor wit and how i love it."
so if my journal upsets and annoys you:
have you tried eating shit and dying recently?

5/9/2009 6:04:33 AM

Move on Move on.
Nothing to see here

( I'm shallow and egocentric,
 Only killing time before the moon is full and bright
and I feel the rush of that damned mutated dna.
I'm lost in the blood-spattered night:

I'm only here to bait muppets*
)
*unless you've got a brain, and do stuff in reality.
If you need to know what "reality" is, then you're lost in the Matrix

5/4/2009 12:12:05 PM

Under the heading-"you couldn't make it up", this message addressed to moi just arrived :

"you tryd a free sight calla me and do you know any more d/s sights have fun "

the message is from "movemakers"(sic) and starts "hi you"

never mind threads questioning whether all perverts are fat-how about one asking if all perverts are retarded?


5/4/2009 5:24:32 AM
I think talking a good fight may well be the most popular contact sport on the internet.....
....or is that non-contact sport...?

5/3/2009 1:02:34 AM

At the door you're told you have to pay for your membership again. It doesn't last for 12 months, but just from February to February. And you joined in November.

You buy a round of drinks that costs a banker's pension.

People arrive carrying rucksacks looking like lost ramblers and make their way to the play area, where they play masochists and sadists with foam rubber whips

It's too dark to make out whether the women are really men. Just when you think you can tell, the fog machine gets turned up and now you're even more blind and, as it now stinks like steam train in here, you can't breathe either

The music (from the bored DJ who looks like he'd rather be waiting for a bus) is so loud that to talk to anyone you have to shout aggressively and cover them with spit.

The same people who are always here are posing and screaming "whhooo look at me".

After forty minutes, you're all looking at your watches and thinking "why did we come here, again?". And nobody has a clue.

I say: "I think it's a bit like Afghanistan. Every so often people feel the need to invade it to remind themselves why invading Afghanistan isn't a good idea"

At the next table I hear the characteristic "clack" of someone taking the safety off their Kalashnikov.....


5/1/2009 3:58:26 PM

new pic added!
see me with my cock out!!!
picture 3
Hurrrrrry! Hurrrrry!

5/1/2009 4:02:03 AM

Care in the Community Friday:
This just sent to Channel Bstard from one of my many online Dominatrixeseses (I sssssssso need to be spanked for being a naughty boy):
"In fact the mere concept of male "domination" is inherently flawed. The term "master" in the (sic) BDSM can be directly taken from the verb to "masturbate" as this for the most part is what male "domination" is all about;"

5/1/2009 3:13:05 AM
Never mind swine flu-how about that illness that turns men into women when their wives go shopping?

That's really scary-I'd rather wake up with a little curly tail than a pair of tits.

4/26/2009 12:52:08 AM
Isn't it funny how just a few compliments make a person (even a depraved and evil one like myself) feel so much better.
This morning I woke up to this message in my inbox:
"Impressing is what i describe your captivating profile as a near perfect description of what i desire in a woman ,even your picture goes a long way in describing the quintessential underlying beauty any man would seek for in a woman ."
Lovely!!!!

4/25/2009 4:10:44 PM
Quote of the Day:
 "I also LOVE giving oral - I adore the feel of my lips being stretched and your incorporation into the mouth from which I speak, the head from which I think, the face which is my polite persona in the non-sexual intercourse of polite society...." 
and your tits are like bags of sand, right?

4/25/2009 7:15:23 AM
If you want to get my attention send me a picture.
I'm particularly fond of Salvador Dali

4/24/2009 3:32:18 PM
I beleaf thad dyslexia rates have soared since the internet was invented

4/20/2009 2:09:08 PM
slave says the last pic was unbecoming, so I've swapped it as I always do wot I is told

4/20/2009 11:50:01 AM
Thankyou Collarme for the Recent Journal Entry section, without which I'd never have seen this:
"Today W/we have lost our beloved cowgirl. The future as an human cow was to great a fantasy for her and to frigntening was the reality. I wish her luck in finding what ever it is she is looking for. Goodbye annabelle!"

Where is moo, now that she's needed?

4/20/2009 11:20:11 AM
Quote of the Day:
"25 year old dom male from north wales, been told intleigent......"

4/19/2009 2:06:35 AM
I'm melting, I'm melting.....
Isn't it a trifle strange when:
 you get to know people on the internet, talk, appear to share common interests and and motivations, express a mutual interest in meeting, but when you suggest a date and time-*poof* they melt away.....

4/18/2009 3:59:16 AM
Quote of the Week:
"I have been married twice (as a woman) so that is why i am now gay, knowing how men are either of the above mentioned, neanderthal who wish us erradicated as an affront to their sexuality and those who are facinated by their fantasy of what we are."

How profound and so true, yet strangely... remaining gibberish

4/13/2009 4:04:49 AM

I am not a doormat or a yes sir, no sir sort of a gal.

Unless this is one of my other profiles, in which case I just might be...

4/13/2009 1:04:43 AM

My Manifesto. Vote B'stard:
50%* of the population are to be isolated on an uninhabited rock off the coast of Scotland with only a Swiss Army knife and a Ray Mears dvd.
This is for the good of the castaways, for the good of society, and for the good of the gene pool.
*Assume that percentage to be adjusted to 95% if the population sample comes from Collarme.
Addendum: anyone caught watching footage of the marooned unfortunates, whilst wearing tracky bottoms, smoking fags and saying how, like, Jade Goody should be, like cloned and made, like: the UN ambassador for Nicaragua should be made to join them.


4/12/2009 12:49:57 PM

Sunday Announcements:
SirB'stard would like to meet a rich, well-insured widow – intention: murder

4/11/2009 6:42:46 AM
Quote of the Day 2:
"...I am been away from this site..."
oooarrrrrrrrrrrrr......

4/11/2009 12:38:31 AM
Quote of the Day from a gay male submissive:
"i have been asked when i am getting another fairy
dress, i have decided to wait until i have a Master"
Good choice pal. Nice one.

4/11/2009 12:26:51 AM
Some may zink zat I do not take ziss site seriously and ask why I do not do ziss.

Achtung! Ziss site ist Kaputten!!!

Mitt is full of gentlemen who wear dresses and call themselves Clara BigBoobies ven zey are really Paul Pumpernickel from Potsdam
Retreat to zer bunker at once you English pig-dogs!

p.s how's my German coming on?

4/10/2009 4:29:53 AM
pic change time
Something to show my more compassionate self.
After all, I'm not really evil.
For example, I love kittens.
yum

4/6/2009 1:37:56 PM
OMG what is it about the word SERBIAN you don't understand!!!!!!?????

If I've said it once I've said it quite a few times. Well, more than a couple:
NO MEN-tally ill saddos left in the nuthouse-they're all on here, chuckling away to themselves

4/2/2009 2:26:18 AM
Just spotted this on a "female submissive"profile. I liked it so much I think I'll steal it...:
"I have a compulsive sex problem which you may wish to take advantage of. ( that is I am unable to control my sex urges which is a medical condition)
Not opposed to groups or couples and i'm past getting pregnant.
Please be aware that I cannot restrict my activity to one person."

Not sure how I'll type any more as slave just broke my fingers...

3/31/2009 1:39:06 PM
picture change time!!!

3/29/2009 11:34:05 AM
people accuse me of being cynical, so I have decided to turn over a new leaf
from now on I will no longer be judgemental

as the good book says, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone"

oh what a tosser.

Did he really say that.

Ooops! Sorry!!!!!

3/28/2009 4:19:30 AM
Saturday morning is a great time for cartoons.
But a small request:
Can all these cartoon characters stop messaging me and stay inside the TV set?

3/25/2009 4:03:54 PM
Collarme has finally sunk under the weight of unmitigated bollocks.
Women,children and transvestites to the lifeboats!

3/23/2009 2:06:05 PM
I'm not looking for anything and if I was I wouldn't look for it here.

Most of you are a bunch of sad cunts having a wank: husbands hiding from wives, wives hiding from husbands.

I'd be depressed about it except I don't give a shit.

Hi to my friends. They aint pixelated and they do what it says on the can.

3/14/2009 4:24:58 AM
Is it my imagination, or have most people on here got shit for brains?

2/23/2009 1:04:03 PM

I've noticed that people share poetry at times of emotional trauma.
Here is a quote from one of my favourite metaphysical poets, Alfred Hawthorn Hill:

A man finds his love spurned and his woman, spurning him prefers the material wealth of another:
" She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,

You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."

He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day."

How tragic.
How very, very true


2/21/2009 12:10:14 PM
This used to be quite a good site. I got to know quite a few people from it and met some. There always used to be wankers, but now its just got very very silly, and the genuine ads from genuine people are getting fewer and fewer. Maybe this is putting off new blood-the genuine ads that are on here are the same hard core nutters who have been there for years
(Apart from the hard core nutters who have fallen by the wayside and abandoned lust for lovely mat-ri-mony or chess clubs....)
It has now become a site for men who "want to explore their feminine side" and for people who only ever experience D/s on the net, when their wife/hubby let them.
It's free but free things rarely work very well-there needs to be a verification system,to help put an end to the fakes (that would leave about 27 genuine ads....) and there really should be an end to an editorial system that bans profile pics showing nipples but allows ads sitting on the right hand of the screen to show a bird tied up with a cock shoved down her throat
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2/15/2009 3:04:10 AM

Helpful hint to Collarme Staff
In my capacity as an honourary woman (I am currently 17 lesbians and 27 assorted whoores on here) I get farrrrrrrrrrrr more replies if I put "bi-sexual" in their profiles
May I suggest you include a drop down box that includes "bi-cycle". This would, I feel elicit far more responses.
Yours faithfully,
Col. Blashord Pigsticker (retd)

2/15/2009 2:42:14 AM
how come so many Gorean slaves seem to have so much stuff wrong with them.
They always seem to be recovering from an operation or a life threatening illness.
Is this why insurance policies don't have a drop-down box for Goreans?

2/1/2009 4:22:28 PM

why is it that all the advertisers from the NE are muppets*?
...........except me
*with the exception of those people who I have judged to be non-muppet
(However I always did like Fozzy Bear)

1/31/2009 9:15:53 AM

We need some fresh blood on here.
It's the same bunch of sad fantasists year in, year out.
Major Biff Bazooka, (ex SAS)

1/31/2009 8:08:12 AM
In my capacity of Lord of The Lurex Loincloth I am often asked what makes the perfect slave or submissive.
Well you know it makes me think back to my time as a mountain guide in Amsterdam.
An old wizened crone  (the sister of a much younger wizened crone with bigger tits) answered the question thusly:
"On Collarme you can easily tell the best female slaves: all the best female slaves and submissives have beards and are called Gerald"

1/23/2009 11:18:20 AM

1. This is it!

2. There are no hidden meanings.

3. You can't get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go.

4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time.

5. Nothing lasts.

6. There is no way of getting all you want.

7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.

8. You only get to keep what you give away.

9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.

10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.

11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.

12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.

13. You don't really control anything.

14. You can't make anyone love you.

15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.

16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.

17. There are no great men.

18. If you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.

19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself).

20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.

21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.

22. Progress is an illusion.

23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.

24. Yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution.

25. Childhood is a nightmare.

26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of -yourself -cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.

27. Each of us is ultimately alone.

28. The most important things, each man must do for himself.

29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.

30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is.

31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.

32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.

33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.

34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.

35. No excuses will be accepted.

36. You can run, but you can't hide.

37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.

38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.

39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.

40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.

41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only to face the consequences.

42. What do you know . . . for sure . . . anyway?

43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. . . .

(Sheldon Kopp-"If You Meet The Buddha on the Road-Kill Him")


1/23/2009 10:58:49 AM

this just in:

"I find it interesting how you say you lack sincerity, intergrity and honesty...sounds like an insecure man, one seeking an insecure woman
Secondly, slave is NOT doormat, slave IS doorway .... to an Owner's every desire."

ooooh....I feel so admonished


1/21/2009 3:30:29 PM

I have now adopted the ways of Gor.
any woman, be she slave, free (or merely reduced as her sell-by date is approaching) must do a little dance before I will even consider kidnapping her.

1/20/2009 10:19:35 AM

I prefer women who are well made (because badly made women tend to lose limbs when you hit them with sticks)

1/20/2009 12:48:30 AM

when contacting me please attach a picture.
If you've a face like a bag of spanners then just send a picture of some random teenager on holiday.

1/20/2009 12:45:09 AM

Any of my vast army of slaves may tribute the following:
 payment for my BT bill (extortionate)
 an offside rear tyre for the Volvo and
 a large packet of honey roasted cashews

1/20/2009 12:31:48 AM
How come all these "Mistresses with 10 years experience" appear from nowhere.
If you've been here for 10 years where were you hiding?
xxx ikkle subby boi

1/20/2009 12:28:54 AM
we cling on to certainty and familiarity as if they were a life raft, while the ocean passes beneath us. Unexplored.
look again.
Is it a life raft.
or a prison?

1/18/2009 4:28:59 PM
My name is Mistress Samantha and I just love thrashing you naughty boys on your botties, provided you first send me a postal order for £12 guineas.

oh bugger- wrong profile!!!!

1/17/2009 3:25:33 PM
Definition of Real Friends:
Even if you like your own company, you'd rather be with them.
Not to boost your ego-just because you know you're all singing from the same song sheet-(and you know why people got together in those caves millions of years ago)

1/14/2009 4:00:44 PM

zjjazx xnazkxzmx kzjzxkxj zk\zj\ihxzh cvmdmnd lalkaakla cx ,vfd,lfdl; with a hula hoop

Don't worry, my wife doesn't understand me either

1/14/2009 3:48:21 PM

Patrick McGoohan is dead.

Free at last


1/3/2009 4:27:07 PM

"I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me"
Emo Phillips

1/3/2009 4:15:46 PM

Would anyone really get Dommed by a 21 year old?

and she says she's been at it for 4 years.............jeez would you get Dommed by a 17 year old.

I think some of these profiles are a bit-er "imaginative"

and no, before you ask: I wasn't offering tribute


1/3/2009 3:56:14 PM

Just don't mention the new Dr Who.
I had hoped it was a misprint and they meant Matt Lucas.

Let's see. They have to choose between Joanna Lumley and Paterson Joseph

So who do they choose?

Emo-fucking-Phillips that's fucking who

This nation is in the poop shoot and on the highway to hell. You heard it here first

1/2/2009 4:23:48 AM

I have the sad eyes of an abandoned puppy.
(I keep them in a jar by the bed)


12/27/2008 5:46:45 AM
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them, Goreans lie under the stairs recovering from too much Turian wine (aka  White Star)

12/23/2008 4:07:59 PM

For those regular contributors on here: My psychiatrist says I need to socialise more.
In order to fit in with you lot I have been to night classes and now speak fluent bollocks.

12/23/2008 4:16:06 AM

Hello there.
I just got demobbed from the SAS, (just like most guys on here who aren't having a larf being birds with wonky silicone tits, I am in fact an ex member of Special Forces and could easily kill you with a Jelly Tot from seventy paces)

I left the army with the rank of major. My name is Major Committment. I heard that most women are looking for me, but most men aren't looking for me at all-so it's just as well I'm not one of those nancy boys.

So here I am girls. Come and get me. Mind the hand grenade

12/21/2008 12:38:28 PM

Quote of the Day:

"I'm somewhat educated and would like to meet educated people within this catagory."

12/20/2008 6:42:32 AM
Why, in their pictures, do Goreans wear such "interesting" jumpers?

12/19/2008 4:30:21 PM

people complain its hard to spot fakes
no it's not
on collarme fake pics are of a size 8 teenager pouting at the camera looking for a lesbian Mistress, her room is very sorted, (unlike every other teenage-managed room on the planet). She ends her messages: "mwargh!"
Whilst genuine pics are of a size 20+ middle aged woman with a face like a bag of spanners trying to look alluring whilst wearing what appears to be a bin bag. Wee stained carpets and TV set broadcasting X Factor in plain view. She ends her messages : "No one night stands"


12/16/2008 4:00:39 PM
Don't get out much, do you?

12/15/2008 10:20:55 AM
A whole jolly club with jolly pirate nicknames!

12/8/2008 10:42:32 AM

Helpful Hints to Collarme Profilers:

Dommes are very rarely 18 years old.

Even if they are 18 years old they are unlikely to be shouting ONLINE ONLY! (with the ferocity of a teenage Domme who knows he's  really a fat spotty man called Pete, and if you met him, you might notice)

Even if they are 18 year old Dommes they are unlikely to be posting vanilla pics robbed from Myspace, showing them wearing a pink cowboy hat and playing a toy guitar.

12/7/2008 10:27:59 PM

Welcome to the internet:
Where those who have nothing to say spend forever saying it
Where those who don't do anything spend forever talking about it
Where those who have problems sustaining a relationship, sustain millions of relationships at the touch of a key.
Where you can create as many amusing, attractive, gifted and well-travelled persona as you like, and none of them need to be you
Where smelly, sad, lonely, sick people can give themselves a fantastical name and gain instant charisma
Welcome.
Leave your zimmer frame by the door and pick up your magic wand from the receptionist

11/30/2008 6:30:27 AM
It's the weekend!!!
Hey guys-the Sealed Knot is so passe'
So let's all dress up and pretend to be lesbians.

11/25/2008 11:58:58 AM

Please don't invite me to chat as my anti-retard radar is locked in the "on" position

11/23/2008 1:43:35 AM

Attention all "Timewasters"
People seem pretty harsh about you guys, but not me. Due to unforseen circumstances-I have lots of time on my hands (my boss found 24 of my sperm samples in the office fridge-I keep them to repopulate the planet following the coming invasion of the Venusian bat people)......
So timewasters-gimme a shout, let me know about your boils and your peeling wallpaper and your invisible friends from the SAS and your need to be cyberdommed by me and your trips to Dublin to meet perverted Hungarian gynae...gyny.....dentists.
Walk this way! I have all the time in the world.
Until the bat people get here


11/22/2008 12:40:40 AM

Quote of the Day:
 "...I do  not take on married men sorry. hubby will always be present when we are meeting..."

11/17/2008 10:45:38 AM

I am an experienced Dom with only 3 limits:
1. No animals (unless they're cute and riding unicycles)
2. No bad poetry
3. No tinsel

n.b. I'm quite happy to take part in group sex as long as any other male taking part has a smaller willy than me and has ears that stick out in an amusing fashion

11/16/2008 12:30:03 PM
Thanks to 2 x special friends for a great night

11/16/2008 12:26:06 PM

Looks not important
=desperate
seeking ltr=desperate
will switch with the right person=desperate
trying to sort your life out on the message boards=desperate
Looking for lurve on Second Life=desperate and fucking psychotic (check the fridge for heads)

11/11/2008 12:02:59 AM

Aint it funny how some people hide in bushes, then suddenly pop out to ask if there's any Jammie Dodgers left.
I rather thought friendship was a river, and not a fucking hailstorm


11/10/2008 11:51:12 PM

If you have chosen to be with someone then act like you weren't thrown together by force of circumstances, like Titanic survivors in a boat.
Cherish them and make it seem like you're with them through choice.
In the words of Bill and Ted: "Be excellent to each other"

11/10/2008 3:45:49 PM

I have given up apologising for the fact that I am not as ignorant as many people.
I enjoy poetry, classical music and real coffee. I go on long walks and pick wild flowers.
So did Samurai warriors.
Get over it.

"This isn't ancient times...."
"....Sometimes it is"

Ghost Dog

11/8/2008 3:41:13 AM
(rant part 2).....and they always us the SAME quote
they all pass the SAME quote around each other, their tiny goldfish brains thinking it's originality.
Nin was a writer for fucks sake. Read her books and find your own bloody quotes.

Ok, I'm off to clear up the dogshit from the yard (in a Domly way)

11/8/2008 3:37:04 AM

I swear if I read one more profile that quotes Anais Nin I'll throw this fucking 'puter out the fucking window

11/8/2008 3:32:17 AM

Ah Saturday
doncha love it?
second life and every other godamned site web-board (including this one)is full of the usual holidaying nutters.
CyberSesameStreet
I see we're on the letter b today:
ballbusting buggery burlesque and branding. All on one site. All from people who never even had a girlfriend.
Aint life grand, Sooty 


11/1/2008 5:12:12 PM
I'm gonna do for you, in six weeks, what it took someone six months to do for me:

nothin'.

Electra Gide in Blue (1973)

10/23/2008 9:45:04 AM
Doncha just love the Domme profiles showing them on their knees with their tits out?

10/23/2008 9:38:54 AM
I'm looking for a ikkle subbie to spoil.
I threw the last one under a train and she got incredibly spoilt.

10/22/2008 11:52:29 AM
If you are retarded, a sad fuck (sick fucks on the other hand are more than welcome) or otherwise mentally incapacitated there are places you can get help.

This isn't one of them

If you have forgotten what the world looks like and are only aware of the world of your curtained, shuttered room, pass on by

If you think that "having issues" makes you interesting to me.

Think again.


10/22/2008 8:03:22 AM

last week an interview where they asked me "how would you encourage the participation of more minorities".
I didn't get the job, and the feedback went something like ".....and for that question you should have answered":
"Prepare some ethnic food and have some plastic boxes available in case people couldn't eat it all and wanted to take it home with them."
And no, the job didn't have anything to do with cooking. Or food. Or tupperware. I assume this is the answer she was told she needed to get from me at the last "how to get politically correct answers from candiates at interviews" seminar. People are getting the same feedback all over the country now.
All over the country there are little pakistani women being told to stop complaining, bugger off home and take that box of samosas with them.
Today's interview took place in a local government office. Unlike every other office I've been to there was no security at all. You just walked in. And nobody on reception. Just a sign saying. If nobody on reception dial 1234. I did that. Lots. Still nobody came. You could have walked off with a nice new fax machine and bought your methadone from the next corner.
A member of Public joined me and we started chatting "It's always like this in here" she says.
So eventually this guy comes and asks me if I'm for interview. He calls me "Young man". I'm 52. HELLO!
He lets me into the room where I'm invited to sit at the head of the table. Oooh lovely. I'm in charge already.
There's the boss -a mature bbw (note to self:Spend less time looking at collarme profiles)the guy who thinks I'm a young man and the woman from HR. I say "woman" but she appears to be 12.
Help I'm having a nightmare and I'm being interviewed for a job by my daughter. Close my eyes.
No she's still there.
And so am I.

So I breathe in and give it my best shot.


10/20/2008 6:53:08 AM

HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS?
I AM  a
LESBAIN!!!


10/20/2008 6:49:58 AM
As you may have noticed, I no longer take this site seriously.
Not even a tiny weeny bit.

10/19/2008 2:16:36 PM
New profile pic uploaded
this'll have them rolling in the aisles..isles....eyeles,,,,
WHATEVER...

10/18/2008 11:56:13 PM
Really-this is just getting silly.

Why don't they just finish the job and reopen this site as one dedicated to middle aged men who are young lesbians at weekends?

I'm not prejudiced. I don't mind these people having their own site, but it seems a little rough on genuine women who are looking for kinky lurrrrrrve.

Best wishes,
lezzolashlaura (19)

10/16/2008 7:12:35 AM
you know you're getting wordblind brought on by too many job application forms when you write: I have wide experience of mental innless

10/14/2008 6:35:22 AM

A great man's work rarely dies with him-hence Sherlock Holmes lived on after Conan Doyle.
Simlarly the Muppets didn't die with Frank Oz:they all left and went to live on Collarme

10/12/2008 2:20:22 AM
if the world isn't marching to your tune, try changing the score

10/11/2008 12:04:31 PM
There is a lot more to me than kinky sex.
I enjoy collecting bottle tops, building model areoplanes and I love animals

10/11/2008 11:58:30 AM

I have bought a special wheel to put my hamsters in.
It's equipped with a Pirelli low profile tyre. They have such fun at 100 mph
You should hear them squeak with joy


10/11/2008 11:51:32 AM

I like taking out dogs.
Normally I use a silencer.

10/11/2008 11:48:38 AM

I like feeding kittens.
To alligators

10/11/2008 3:27:43 AM
TV Times
Tammy Wynette famously sung "Sometimes it's Hard to be Woman"
Well it's obviously not is it?
I mean all you need is a charity shop wig, a nice pastel cardie, bright red lipstick and a skirt.
I mean, you don't have to shave or nuffink.

10/11/2008 3:01:35 AM

Lovers appear in your room each night
And they drag you across the floor
But they always seem to fade away
When the party's outside your door
Cybergirl, are you all right?
Tell the computer good-night
All alone once more, Cyberbaby

(apologies to Helen Reddy)

10/6/2008 11:39:47 AM

A generation ago the only people who had tattoos were sailors.
Perhaps I could suggest that those wimmin now so fashionably decorated with inky designs might also like to take up pipe smoking and spinach eating?


10/5/2008 1:32:11 AM
It's important to remember that amongst the lesbian NO MEN juggling haemaphrodites and the online only Dominatrix and the Masters with stables of schoolgirl nymphomaniacs and the Kaotians taking their slaves on a leash to the butchers...still there are some real people out there doing real stuff to other real people.
And some of them are really quite nice....

10/5/2008 12:36:07 AM

A pentimento is an alteration in a painting, evidenced by traces of previous work, showing that the artist has changed his mind as to the composition during the process of painting. The word derives from the Italian pentersi meaning "to repent".
and so it is with people:
There is a change. An alteration. A new direction. Sunlight illuminates a curve, an arc-dispels or creates a shadow. And the picture-changes


10/3/2008 4:42:39 PM
 "I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."
—Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking at Harvard

10/3/2008 6:44:22 AM

Any computer experts out there?
I'm having trouble with this keyboard and I've just written a Sorry About The Size Of My Overdraft letter to the HSBC Wank Manager

10/3/2008 4:57:27 AM

IC is down
I know how that feels
cheer it up somebody.
Show it your boobies or something

10/3/2008 4:26:30 AM

Seeing light at the end of the tunnel?
It's a train.........
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

10/2/2008 8:01:48 AM

"It pleases ME to hear you whimpering, begging, pleading for my attention.
If you are lucky enough to crawl before Me your pain WILL be My pleasure!"

Don't you just hate it when BT put you on hold

10/1/2008 7:17:42 AM

Kweens Award for Gud Inglish of the Day:
"ds couple looking for femails to use sub bbw he dom straight very wel indod her bi sub young butiful italion girl "


9/28/2008 12:57:28 PM

No I don't do cyber, so don't ask.
Get a life

9/28/2008 1:28:03 AM
unless you want bother from the RSPCA would you please refrain from asking people to beat your ass

9/28/2008 1:20:07 AM

I think it's odd the way some "pro fem dommes" on their profile pics (on Collarme) get their tits oot on their pics and have other pics showing them lying all subby-like with their legs wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open......dunno any r/l pro fem dommes that do that.....well I did know one-but that was in private.......


9/27/2008 5:59:56 AM

"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.": 

"Shaolin Assassin" (1979)
(with a similar comand of inglish as u mite find frequently on this very sight)

9/27/2008 4:00:38 AM
In cyberspace, there are no brownie points at all-nary a crumb-to be gained from being devoid of wit.
Now that we are all published writers.
We write and it is published.
Instantly.
So for fucks sake make what you write worth reading, or it simply vanishes into a sea of muppet chatter .
.........manamana


9/25/2008 3:39:50 PM

There have been many famous objects.
The Mona Lisa, the Turin Shroud, The Sanitary Towel of St Harriet the Chaste.
Now the Disco Pants of Sir B'stard take their place in this hallowed company.
It is usual for such famous objects to be immortalised in verse, and these Holy Pants are no exception:

"They love to see me squirm
they love to see me dance
but most of all they love to see
my dazzling disco pants"

"These pants they are so crucial
so don't tell me I should bin 'em
coz play your cards right darlin'
you'll see the disco balls within em"

Thankyou Poundstretcher

9/22/2008 4:47:19 PM
"I want you to bleed,
I want to hear you scream until you run out of breath.
I want to see the look of fear in your eyes.
I want you to be scared and not know whats coming next.
I want to push your boundaries and limits to places you never though they could go.
I want to mould and modify your mind and body until you meet my desire."


I just spotted this on a profile
The worrying thing is, I'm sure it's my dentist

9/22/2008 3:41:49 AM

As most of us already have secret identities, scary names and cool outfits, I wonder whether anyone would like to join me in fighting crime and injustice and driving scum of the streets?

9/21/2008 12:07:49 PM
It says "lesbian" on my profile for a reason, you know!!!
*TUTS*

9/20/2008 6:37:40 AM

"Apologies to Curtis of Curtisville for decrying Virginia Creeper/Boston Ivy as bogus. It's still a fine plant, just not an ivy, that's all."


9/20/2008 6:05:42 AM

MasterMaster's marvellous soiree where we had a demonstration of basket weaving and domestic skills.
The product test was most educational.
I now know of some unusual clothes pegs that would keep a nightie on a washing line in a hurricane
Just be careful that they don't accidentally leap through the air and remove your nipples.

9/18/2008 4:29:31 PM

It is nice to have friends. Or so I'm told. We have recently been visited by some persons of London descent (sometimes they're on collarme and sometimes theyre not. It's most confusing).
We got to show them grass  (the sort that doesn't need hydroponics) and trees and rain, they got to show us digital watches. It was a meeting of cultures, if you will

9/18/2008 4:26:42 PM
For those of you who don't know where durham is......... buy a map you muppet

9/15/2008 6:15:50 AM

Hard Limits:
Scat:Thankyou for your offer Mrs. Edna Warbottle of Scunthorpe but if I want to watch you play with your poo I'll just wait 30 years until your kids get you admitted to that nice psychogeriatric ward

9/15/2008 6:11:58 AM

Hard Limits:
I won't do anything that involves animals, unless it's racing pigeons.
Being as I live upnorth I have to race pigeons. I have a new pair of spiked clogs and I have even been known to keep up with them.
Unless they're flying of course

9/10/2008 12:29:25 PM
I am intelergent and very articulated.People say I'm totally full of wit. At least that's what I think they say.... I'm a bit hard of herring

Is their anyone out there who wants me to live in your polycarbonate household? I have plastic hips and vulcanite teeth. Can I join?

9/6/2008 5:09:28 AM

I love people who call other people "hun".
Don't you, hun?

9/2/2008 4:17:48 AM
I have butterflies in my tummy today!
....I really should remember to put the lid on the marmalade

8/26/2008 3:45:45 AM

"I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain - and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.
I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain."

Robert Frost

question 1: what was the reader up to?
question 2:was it illegal?
question 3:did it involve chickens?
question 4: what were you doing last night, and did it also involve chickens?
You have thirty minutes.
Please turn your papers over now.

8/24/2008 2:51:40 PM
I'm interested in pet play-so if you'd like to roll in horse shit and then eat a whole pack of four fucking doughnuts that I mistakenly left in the car, then I'd like to hear from you.

8/23/2008 4:00:19 AM

Satire Alert:
To all American readers: the following is an attempt to spoof the average Collarme writing style, it is NOT meant to be taken seriously:

W
ell all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
I know that charity begins at home but blood is thicker than water after all.I mean you know what curiosity did to the cat don't you?
There are just far too many people on here who think they can have their cake and eat it.
It's very important not to assume things and not to count your chickens before they're hatched, and if they've laid any eggs, not to put them all in one basket. But remember:you have to break some to make an omelette.
Well that's about all I have to say-an empty vessel makes the most noise and I hate to be on this site for too long as familiarity breeds contempt you know.
One final word though, and someone out there knows who I mean-I won't mention her name as walls have ears-I'll just say this: People who live in glass houses shouldn't spoil the broth.



8/21/2008 4:29:36 PM

I am a Wonderful Dom and I have finally met my Wonderful Sub.
Together we share a Wonderful Flat in Hackney with a Wonderful Dungeon in the fridge.
I am NOT LOOKING. I am simply here to keep in touch with my Wonderful Friends,to write Wonderful Poetry, Wonderful Soft Porn Stories (based on my own experiences) and repeat Wonderful American Jokes about boys hiding in wardrobes.
Oh and to tell you about my Wonderful Gangrenous Knees


8/21/2008 3:51:15 AM

Miss Givemeallyourmoneyhonkey is a FAKE!!!

8/17/2008 11:35:34 AM

A party is only as good as its members, (as I used to say to my friend Karl Marx.)
Thankyou to those who attended (amazingly everyone who said they'd come actually DID...).
If you missed it, it was a yawp.

"I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world."

Walt Whitman

8/15/2008 7:47:51 AM

Is it harder top maintain a  D/s relationship than a vanilla one?
Why do so many guys run away back to the straight life (and often, run back to the straight wife) after "having a go" at bdsm?

8/12/2008 4:15:05 AM

Don't you just love those profiles that only have generic holiday type pics on them?.

I wonder if the owners are aware of the new lease of life the internet has given them?

The theft of someone's image is only a mouse click away... Does Susie Hoskins know what her alter ego is getting up to these days?

Makes you wonder doesn't it.

These days we're paranoid about people finding out what we're up to. But what if we aren't up to anything and our image has been hijacked and put on a dodgy site?

"Susie Hoskins the dog lover."

What did she, or Fido, do to deserve that?


8/11/2008 8:28:22 AM

Please don't contact me if you are looking for a sadist, as I don't physically abuse women-you need help and psychotherapy if that's what you want.
If I can't get what I want by simply maintaining eye contact and raising an eyebrow then I simply use another supermarket
I also don't tie people up or restrain them-this can be very dangerous. I read of someone who died once.
 I don't remember what was wrong with them but I do remember that they died. Tragically.
I also don't do anything connected with wee. I have a toilet for that thankyou very much.
Anal sex? Why oh why would anyone put their willy up a woman's back bottom? Poo comes out of it you know?
Oral sex? If God had wanted me to put my penis into a lady's mouth I hardly think He would have invented the vagina now would He?
I am also allergic to rubber as it brings me out in a rash. Leather I will not tolerate as it comes from dead babies, as we well know.
I do enjoy camping (provided I can find a computer lead long enough to reach the tent) and dressing up  (in anything but leather or rubber), so I am rather fond of Gor but other than that all this D/s malarkey is just SICK.

8/11/2008 5:08:53 AM

Favourite Geographical Locations:
Toronto, UK
"here"
"Not Looking"
"UK, UK"
"at my desk"
"Scotland" (it's a bit big)
"London,Paris,Rome"...(MI5 headquarters...)

8/10/2008 4:58:35 AM

Are you kneeling uncomfortably?
Then I'll begin....

8/10/2008 12:34:07 AM
 "The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people."

Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver 1976.
And that was written BEFORE the internet even existed...

8/9/2008 4:55:43 PM
apparently most Gorean slaves are size 8 and in their twenties, so a size 8 Gorean slave tells me.
I think her name is Herbert

8/9/2008 9:19:32 AM

Didn’t you used to be somebody...?


8/9/2008 12:01:27 AM
Quote of the day:
Deleted my profile but due to popular demand i decided to return
er, if you deleted your profile, how can anyone contact you to demand you put it back?

....Due to popular demand I'm taking my profile off
It's either that or a necktie party

8/8/2008 11:56:54 PM

NO MEN!

Apart from you.
You're cute

8/8/2008 11:49:24 PM

I'm not here to meet like minded people.
If you have a mind like mine you ought to be locked up

8/8/2008 11:42:13 PM

It has been suggested that I don't get many replies because I come across as unfriendly.
This has given me food for thought.
I shall ponder a while and return as much more accessible and user friendly..............
OK fresh start.
"Don't worry if you're mentally disengaged and need an instruction manual to use the toilet, just walk this way and give me some jive. After all I have nothing better to do than to be an unpaid psychological crutch to unfulfilled housewives in Khazakstan"
How was that then?
Any better?

8/8/2008 5:17:18 PM

You're more than beginning, you're learning to fly
Feels like you're falling, but it passes in time
 And I hate to see a friend go down In flames without a song
So I'm waiting by the doorway
But I will not linger long

Janis Ian

8/8/2008 2:43:29 PM

Some of you are just taking a holiday here, in D/s land, and you trot back to nilla when you've "had a go".
Some of us are serious about this-it's a style of life and not a fucking "lifestyle". This is not a colour supplement. Don't piss people about. To some people D/s is a bit important


8/8/2008 2:37:53 PM
OOh tgif
and what do we find on Collarme this fine weekend...
fake.. fake.. fake.....retard ...retard.....muppet..."dyslexic" muppet...fantasist retard.....hypochondriac fantasist retard....wanker...fake....wife checking her messages while hubby watches the match....hubby checking his messages while wifey goes shopping.....fake ...retard...catalogue model picture of a fantasist muppet lesbian....Gorean....doesn't get out much......psychopathic bunny boiler.....man with squint and "dyslexia" looking for recruits for  his poly commune in his bedsit....
 Same old, same old.....
You DO know you'll all rot in hell for this, don't you?

8/6/2008 5:53:07 AM

well my life as a post op transexual lesbian Dominant didn't work out, so this week Matthew I'm going to be .....
Paula the Paraguayan painslut from Peckham, and don't you just know how much I love puppies.....*wink*

8/6/2008 5:43:14 AM
Hi,
I'm a 22 year old post op transexual lesbian Dominant with 10 years of experience.
(I started out early)

8/2/2008 9:00:46 AM
 muppets don't bathe in milk.
They would get all soggy.

8/1/2008 5:30:22 AM

I really enjoyed the Muppet Show in the 1970's.
It was a highlight.
A Golden Age.
But just because I'm all dewy eyed and nostalgic it doesn't mean that I wanted the Muppets to return in force and entrench themselves here on Collarme.
manamana..doo doo doo do do....

7/31/2008 3:37:38 AM
If you don't go kissing frogs, you stay indoors with the curtains drawn, you don't go through the enchanted forest by the gingerbread house you won't fall in the enchanted pond and drown and you won't get charged with bestiality.
But you won't find your frog either

7/28/2008 3:52:40 PM

12.40 am.
The magical time of night when their wives having trotted off to bed with Danielle Steele and the Rampant Rabbit, errant hubbies have their last can of Carling fizzy pop, sit at the pc and become 18 year old No MEN slave girls.
All is now right with the world.
Goodnight from Nigella the Nympho Nightnurse form Nottingham.


7/26/2008 11:22:14 PM

I see there's a thread on IC with someone apologising for cranking out malicious fantasy profiles
Not being that active on "the community" there, I haven't a clue what this is about but I suspect that fantasy profiles are all the rage-on Collarme especially
I spotted the same pics on two different profiles and messaged the composers to let them know that one of them must have nicked the other's pics-but it was obvious from my chats with both people that they were both alter egos of each other, and written by the same man, pretending to be both a female sub and a female Domme.

This is the nearest I have ever got to capturing the elusive authors of these damned things.

Setting a profile up as a larf for a few days to make a point can, I suppose be quite innocent fun, but setting and maintaining one for years and systematically misleading others into thinking you are something and someone that you are not,has the sour smell of mental illness.


7/26/2008 11:02:54 PM
You could fit all the genuine, active (i.e.=doing D/s away from the laptop) Collarme advertisers into the average elevator.
Fitting them into an elevator might be fun, but there probably wouldn't be enough room to swing a bullwhip.

7/24/2008 10:52:01 PM

Definition of Desperation:
"i am a mature master searching for new girls to entertain me you must be totally obedient .......if you want a daddy i will care for you i am also willing to be your slave "

(from a current profile)


7/24/2008 1:04:57 PM

Tragically I would like to report that there a great many women suffering from extreme poverty and loss of a family member.
I have lost count of the pictures, on Collarme, of young ladies who have so little money they can only afford to purchase and wear skimpy undergarments and tattoos, and who tragically declare that they are looking for a sister, often for their daddy.
It is tragic and I think the BBC should do a documentary on them.
With Esther Rantzen-you know, the bitch with all those fucking teeth.

7/23/2008 12:19:23 PM

It's so very nice to meet (and play) with others who are what they say they are, are into the lifestyle as much as we are, and who don't have their heads lodged up their arses.
Restores ones faith.


7/22/2008 3:59:19 AM

I love to flog women.
That one over there will cost you 7/6 but we can haggle.

7/22/2008 3:10:37 AM

Disclaimer:This is NOT a poem
I have seen the young junkie with teeth like gravestones
Underground maps tattooed on his veins,
With a pretty young girl who calls him daddy 
Who takes the hand of a zombie and walks to school
He watches her leave him, skipping and laughing
through dead men's eyes
Turns from the gates 
shuffles back to his hostel room
(ensuite:
Kitchen.
Shower.
A slack army of bursting bin bags.
Tin foil origami
used syringes).
Closes the fire resistant door
and enters his kingdom of rotted food and dried blood
Alone and rattling
and waiting for death

I have seen the old man
Worked all his life
Never a day on the sick
Never a cold,never a migraine, never hungover Never an illicit day taken for A Footy Match
Sick and dying in a teeny tiny house
with a certificate on his wall rewarding years of good service
And covering a crack by the lightswitch.
He is the final egg left in his box
Everyone else has gone
Alone and rattling
And waiting for death

Death finds us all, in the end
The worthy
The wasted
You can run and you can hide
But never far enough or fast enough
So why not run towards death, laughing and singing
with a sword in your hand
And scare the living shit out of him?



7/21/2008 8:27:00 PM

Have you ever licked honey from a razor blade?
You have?
Well wasn't that both unhygenic and dangerous?
Meet Mr fucking SPOON you retard.

7/21/2008 8:20:19 PM

Run run as fast as you can
you can't escape me
I'm the psychotic sadist with a chainsaw man!

7/21/2008 12:06:44 PM

Spurned silly sods with hurt feelings should really not go about spreading tickle tackle.
Or tittle tattle even.
Oh I dunno-go on then-we all need a hobby, especially if we have tiime on our hands. I go and walk the dog sometimes when I'm bored and he's chewing my leg as a hint...I digress...
I DO love a good gossip. But remember-it doesn't have to be true, to be good
"There is only one thing worse than being talked about-and that is: Not being talked about"
Oscar Wilde

7/20/2008 10:09:55 PM

"...............bisexual rock chick, longing to explore the slave within & needing a master to show me the way.....ideally I need something that will work online/via text etc "
Yes dear........

7/19/2008 11:41:07 AM

Two more things a slave should never say to her Master:
1. "You aren't hitting me properly!"
2. "Now you're just making me angry!"

7/17/2008 4:43:16 AM

Caution -May Contain Vanilla

1984 and All That

Changing jobs, moving on
most of my work has been for the government this doesn't mean as a spy

well, not always

One of the jobs I just applied for involves vetting applicants for firearm certificates, seeing that the land they plan to use guns on is safe, seeing that their security is ok.And possibly checking they aren't nutters (ie Dunblane and Hungerford).

Nothing on the person specification to say you need to know anything about firearms (or psychology)

I have a psychology degree and know guns quite well.

No they only need people "with recent clerical experience who can understand English and add up".

so anyway I go to take my documents in for this new post I've been given (not the firearms one, a different one), and to get my CRB check, and to pass immigration and naturalisation checks.

Lots and lots of checks

and lots

To pass all of this I need lots of documentation

Ooops my driving licence has my old address on it

No good

How about birth certificate. No idea what's happened to that.

Oh can I get a copy?

of course.

will they give me the full certificate that you need?

yes of course

Oh no

A copy is no good after all
So I'm surrounded by all of these forms, all of these bits of paper, all proofs of identity all with my name on and yet
This woman whose job it is to check who I am, and has just done so by looking at who I am on all of this documentation keep calling me :
"Barry"

which as it happens

isn't my name


7/16/2008 3:01:11 PM

I thought I'd be the first person in the history of Collarme to write the following:
NO WOMEN!!!!!

7/16/2008 2:55:03 PM

NOT LOOKING!!!
I am too busy rubbernecking on my personal voyage of self-discovery to meet up for anything like coffee, love,sex or breeding anything other than a nasty gastric flu virus.



7/14/2008 2:16:51 PM

According to my latest review I am "scary and brutal".
If that doesn't get me laid around here, nothing will......

7/13/2008 1:43:27 AM
On Days Like These
I have some sympathy with eugenics.
Not according to Race or sexual inclination, but according to inate worth.
This is a world where the gifted are treated as lepers, and the mediocre rise, like turds, to the surface:"Hey look at me look at me me ME. I have nothing to say but I can shout EVER SO LOUD!!!!"
We have become unruly children.
We are a nation under ASBO, not under God
The mundane muppets are in control, everything is average and dumb. The purpose of education is to make you stupid, the purpose of tv is to make you fall asleep with your eyes wide open. Like goldfish.The purpose of politics is to abdicate
responsibility.
What is your purpose?
Brothers and sisters, It is time to fight.
Pick up your Kalashnikov on the way out.

7/12/2008 3:11:25 PM

This is a truly crap poem ,but I love it- but I didn't write it.
I think it was the B side of Lily The Pink by "The Scaffold". It sounded better then:

You’re not mine any more
as we take our last walk together along the midnight shore
before we say goodbye forever.

Shall I call you love, use your name?
Shall I wear my sadness face or look the same?
I am careful to avoid the touch of your hand. I must not be drawn into the bedroom of your eyes.

You could say you’ll see me soon. But you’re as silent as the moon.
You could say Let’s talk together, but you think of other men.
I wonder if I ever knew the more elusive inner you, for the buttons of your mind were difficult to find and my fingers far too clumsy.


Roger McGough


7/9/2008 5:09:56 AM

Health Warning: A Helpful Hint
There seems to be an epidemic of people with huge black fuzzy sunglasses or orange balls photoshopped onto their heads.
This can be cured by turning your face away from the camera when someone takes the fucking picture

7/9/2008 5:04:37 AM

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?
Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me?
Well I'm the only one here.
Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK.
[Draws] "

Taxi Driver

7/7/2008 4:51:58 PM

I would like to twitter endlessly about the meaning of submission and the significance of the collar, but I already wanked once today.

7/7/2008 4:42:42 PM

Eventually we all choose.
We either stay the same or we change.
Live on our knees, or die on our feet.
We all get to choose.
Even if we do nothing, we choose to do nothing.
In life there is no default option.

7/7/2008 7:31:21 AM

I have been asked what my last rant meant.
Thankyou for the vote of confidence.
You really think I might know
How charming!

7/6/2008 4:44:20 AM

Whether it's dungeons and dragons, men pretending to be women (online, not as a TV, which is a lifestyle choice....hang on though-as a man creating an identity as a woman, isn't THAT a lifestyle choice?)
Simply by creating a scary name the escapist nature of the net is pretty awesome.
You live alone in a bedsit with rattly windows, a 40 watt bulb and a budgie? How about Lord Death or Sir Bstard.
 Oh sorry. That's me
A lot of lives are shallow and dull-if you ever leave the bedsit and budgie it just gets worse-you go to work (you probably aren't a spy, so you have something rather more listless to do)-you live with a partner who is so much of a plank that he/she has dutch elm disease-you get pissed or stoned all weekend to make them seem more alluring-you have a holiday in Albufeira twice a year where you sit and microwave your increasingly flabby hide.
Be honest, it's grim, and it's not getting any better
So let's take a jump to the left, and become someone far more exciting.
Does meeting people really matter after all? They're always such a disappointment. Meeting the 20 stone plumber who posts pictures of his alter ego pneumatic nympho slut will never quite hit the spot. Even if you close your eyes.
Try chatrooms
I know of a "pub manager" who is permanently in chatrooms. Can I get a job like that?
But then, that's the thing.You can BE anything you want to be, without the complications.
Once your real world persona has created an online persona your online persona can create a real world persona. It goes on forever.
Me? My name is Captain Jack Harkness. I travel through time. But I'm not gay. Not even a bit. Because I made me that way.

7/5/2008 1:18:41 PM

I'm looking for:
 1.a little girl who wants her daddy
 2. a little boy who wants his mummy
 3. and a little spotty dog who just wants to hump the farmer's leg

Next week: I get arrested by the woodentops for allegedly referencing bestiality

7/5/2008 4:01:06 AM
On the other hand you couldn't make my life up.

Driving to town, stray horse in the road.
Lots of stray horses here. Lots of travellers.
Traditional gypsies with wooden caravans, brand new motors and shiny Rolexes. And lost nags.
So there's these two wimmin wimminhandling this here animal, with buses trying to get past, and the horse getting more and more bothered. So slave says to me
We have to stop and help.
So I think. She's joking right?
I mean I once got on a horse and pretended to be John Wayne but that was a long time ago and it wasn't in the middle of rush hour.
But no she's not joking.
So she stops the car and gets out. Takes hold of the bridle and guides him.
Woman who first stopped her car shouts out that she's doing it all wrong, so I bow to her superior knowledge and lead the nag, as instructed down the lane, with her giving me a running lesson in leading nervous horses and me trying to avoid having my feet hooved to death.
So after chapter 7 of her verbal instruction manual I stop and look at her and say "er, why aren't you doing this, you're the expert"
and she looks at me and says:
"What? You must be mad I'm terrified of bloody horses....."

7/1/2008 12:49:43 AM

This isn't Second Life you know...you can't just keep making stuff up.

On the subject of this, how come so many people use their profiles to write soft porn stories........? or bad poetry.....? or tales about dogs and graveyards.....?

6/26/2008 3:48:47 PM

Apropos nothing at all:
I took a short cut throught the cemetery today. It was daylight so there were no zombies.
We (the dog and I) reached a little island of stones: the last resting place of lost children and babies
Some of the stones had photographs fixed within them.
Photographs with stillborn faces. Blank canvasses. People who would never be writers or bus drivers or shop assistants or dress designers or plumbers.
People who would never see the snow fall or dust dance in a shaft of sunlight.
People who would never fall in love.
Here a spinning windmill, there a fading greetings card for a birthday she would never see
And over there a weatherbeaten cuddly rabbit. limp and eyeless.Stiff. Cold.Unembraced.
The dog sat, unbidden.
Unordered he sat, as if in church, and stared at the dancing display before him.
He did not approach the fluttering, glittering toys, young and playful though he is.
He just sat and he just watched them.
and wondered where the children had gone.

6/26/2008 5:41:36 AM

"What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk? ":
The Shawshank Redemption

6/26/2008 5:37:49 AM

"Get busy living, or get busy dying.":
The Shawshank Redemption

6/25/2008 4:08:09 PM

Tickle tackle: A feather duster

6/24/2008 6:11:45 AM

And the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

Alan Parsons Project

6/23/2008 2:00:54 AM
I shall, however, henceforth moderate my consumption of vodka.

6/22/2008 1:57:04 PM

Another excellent soiree, many thanks to all concerned.
Reality can, in fact be much more fun than fantasy

6/21/2008 8:55:40 AM

Worrying journal entry of the day:
This from a 25 year old "Domme into hypnosis"
"...I just want to melt people..."
That's some serious shit she's into.

6/20/2008 11:58:27 PM

As a person I am intense and moody.
As a yoghurt I am strawberry flavour. Probably a Muller Fruit Corner.

6/20/2008 2:31:14 AM

I really cannot see the point of using your journal to list the sad fantasists,fakes, nutters, creeps and wannabes who lurk in the deep forest that is CollarMe.
The internet is a bit like a lake.
Lakes contain fish and ducks but also an awful lot of bottom feeders (no that's nothing to do with scat). Under those rocks, there's usually some ugly bug or two.
Complaining about fakes on here is a bit like driving carelessly and running your car into a lampost then complaining to the council that lamposts exist
(ok this isn't a fair comparison:lamposts do have a purpose....)
It's the old caveat emptor innit.
There are enough genuine, exciting, open. self-actualised people around, you just have to wade through some shit to find them.
Get over it.
I did.
You want diamonds? You have to ignore lots of dumb rocks.

6/19/2008 7:16:59 AM
D/s for most people, should be a spectator sport.
It isn't safe, nor is it foolproof.
And this is why fools should keep their hands off it.
And just watch, like it was a reality show.
And stick with what they know.
Comfortable and risk-free.
Low cal D/s.
Alcohol free.
Full of essential fibre.
Stay tuned
Because in Real Life.
You don't always get to change the channel.

6/18/2008 2:13:42 PM

Lesson 27:
If a gorgeous busty babe who looks like a model wants to meet a person or couple she has never met before for a sexual encounter...why not ask yourself why would such a person be looking on here for a shag.
Why not try the pub?
Not talked to her on the phone? Not heard her voice?
This might be a clue, Watson
Here's another clue: real people look a bit-well- ordinary.
They have noses that veer off to one side, eyes that may be more numerous than the usual pair, ears that my not be fully attached to the head.
They often will be a little bit paunchy-after all we are, in the West, fatter than we should be. Cheap junk food and a video cripple mentality has seen to that.
Women generally are looking for a "ltr". They generally aren't looking for long term random sex with strangers.
Even before they've met anyone theyre saying they're looking for a ltr
They put in on their profiles in capitals
Sad, isn't it?
If they really are looking for long term random sex then they are probably:
 1.millionaire authoresses with a collection of icepicks
2.doing it for a living or
3.on the Jeremy Kyle show along with the lesbian Glaswegians with crew cuts and dungarees.
They will probably not have a professional portfolio of photographs. They are most likely to be pictured in their home with their random clutter.
The internet is defo full of gorgeous busty babes who look like models and want to meet random couples for threesomes and single guys for perverted sex
Unfortunately most of these babes are called Tim.
And this rule is called "If something sounds too good to be true....it probably is" 
As a footnote: do you know that the word "gullible" doesn't actually exist in any dictionary?

6/18/2008 4:09:20 AM

I'm a very tolerant person.
No
really
But sometimes I think the human race is nature's biggest faux pas
Body decoration is fine-I've dated women who had so many piercings that they sounded like Marley's ghost when they walked across the room, and I have no issue with tattoos. I once dated a Domme who had her bod turned into a canvas.
Quite cute.
But that's the point: it's the canvas bit...
I mean Da Vinci didn't do a horny little devil up there on the left, a seahorse down there on the right and winnie the fucking pooh in the middle did he? It had to have a theme.
And preferably be a little bit original.
Now we have wimmin with their names tatooed on the backs of their necks (why? Is it in case they get decapitated and the body needs to be identified?) and all these bloody stars?.
I see the Chinese are out of fashion and we've all gone over to Maori symbols.
Can you even point to New Zealand on a map? First we nearly wipe the buggers out and now Wayne and Waynetta piss on their culture....
But after all-these tats are so fashionable.
ffs it's a permanent thing you know, tattooing-how would you like it if you had to permanently walk about in platform shoes,a top hat, flared pants and a cheesecloth shirt because they were once fashionable.
Admittedly I do dress like this myself but I'm mentally ill.


6/18/2008 3:26:47 AM

Walk miles to Macdonalds: refuse steak and champagne.
Some chances just don't come 'round again.


6/15/2008 12:29:08 PM

Sorry to all those who messaged me last month-I wasn't being rude by not replying-I was abducted by fantastically wealthy alien nymphomaniacs and I only just summoned up enough energy to push the teleport button on my smoking jacket.

I swear some people on here tell such stories...

6/14/2008 3:11:00 PM

Threesomes? Poly?
To be honest most of you can't even arrange to have exciting sex with one other human being-multiplying the number of bodies in your boudoir will simply multiply your dysfunction, dahling


6/11/2008 2:07:07 AM

they really need to sort the video facility out on here
at first CM showed I had a vid under approval, though I'd never made one
So I had to buy a webcam and make a video as the only way to delete the non existent video a was to make a video and then delete it
.. I have now deleted the video to get back to my photos being displayed
...but CM still has the symbol for video displayed on my listing even though there now double defo isn't one at all

6/10/2008 2:16:36 PM

Thanks to the sui generis couple angelkiss and Nitrofreak1 for bringing the pizzas in payment for their borrowing my Corvette.
I swear some people on here live in a fantasy world.....

6/10/2008 3:05:37 AM

It is easier to forgive limitations in interesting people, than limitations in tedious ones

6/8/2008 5:42:42 AM
We have the phantasmagorically splediferous SephandElena staying so this means:
1. we exist
2. they exist
3.I really don't hate ALL americans
4. (or all people)

6/6/2008 5:23:11 PM

if I was Dr Doolittle I'd like to talk the language of llamas at dinner, the language of tigers down the pub and on collarme I'd like find it most useful to talk utter cobras

6/6/2008 2:58:27 AM

D/s is a pretty small bunch of people.
People talk to each other.
Word gets around very quickly.
Reputations are made.
That's just one of the reasons why we need to be very careful what we do.
or as one Patience Strong verse reads:

The future lies before you
like a field of driven snow
Be careful how you tread it
For every step will show

6/5/2008 8:12:23 PM

ok no more rants.
I'm now the strong silent moody type.
But positive with it.
I love kittens and I cry at chickflicks.
It's the new non-judgemental me
Get used to it
Now sod off you muppet

6/5/2008 5:01:21 PM

I really give up on the human race-with one or two exceptions you couldn't use a toilet properly without studying the handbook.
Look: YOU are responsible for whatever comes out of your mouth whether it is poetry (er not CM sort of poetry....) or utter shite.
I had a cd skip today.
 I came in and it had been playing the same unmelodius din for hours.
I switched it off.
My life is so much more fun since I realised that boring, stupid, sad people also have off switches.

5/31/2008 2:00:15 PM

Has anyone read this?
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/weekend-web/collarme-digiclipse.php?page=1
It's a riot.
It's so nice to see that the UK CollarMe experience is now a worldwide phenomenon

5/30/2008 10:32:37 PM

All actions have consquences.
This is why most people are afraid to change their lives, even if they are unsatisfactory lives.
however.
similarly
Inactions also have consequences.
Especially to unsatisfactory lives.
They tend to stay that way.
So if you choose to have one, stop fucking whingeing about it.
ok...?

5/30/2008 2:05:52 PM

I hate all these men pretending do be women, and so do all my fellow lesbians

5/29/2008 7:52:30 AM

Is illiteracy compulsory now?
You may have skipped English at school, but the spellcheck function is quite effective and free.
What you project to the world is quite important.
Most of you appear akin to an organism that just last week was a dollop of amino acids in search of lightning.

5/27/2008 10:30:01 PM

I'm quite good at being a lesbian.
I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.

5/27/2008 10:03:34 PM

A Fantasy.
Whether it's an addiction to online relationships to people you have never met, and never will meet.
Whether it's giving yourself a profile of someone who, in the "real world" you just aren't.
Whether it's being part of a subculture with secret signs, language and "truths".
Whether it's being "happily married" and indulging yourself online and talking dirty to strangers.
Fantasy seems to be where it's at.
I suppose most lives are often pretty dull.Tedious.Routine.
Life is complicated.For Godsake even spelling is complicated. Lots of people long to live somewhere things are much simpler.
Where relationships are like pound shops and you don't have to ask what anything costs.
People are unwell. They live alone.Or they are afraid of living alone.They live in poverty. They have poor education. They live in poky little flats with rattly windows.They live in a dull town. They have a dull spouse.They drive a dull car. They go to dull foreign places once a year where they meet other dull people. 
She cook meals for a husband who is as dull as battleship paint, who snores and is almost impotent and she wishes he was a little more..assertive. 
He lies in bed next to his wife and wishes she knew how to do those little dances and serve him flagons of ale by the campfire in front of his mates. Or at least give him a passable blowjob.
So they sit down at their respective computers.
They give themselves secret identities and interesting names
They go somewhere else and they become someone else.
On Collarme

5/27/2008 11:05:23 AM

It has been ten years to the day since I lost my father
I last saw the old fart at the bacon counter at Tesco, but he did have the habit of wandering off and pissing in the corner somewhere, so I still live in hope that one day he'll turn up.
Delivered to the door smelling of urine and semen and with a big grin on his face.
So THAT'S where I get it from!!!

5/27/2008 10:54:07 AM

Iago:
Good name in man or woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
Who steals my purse steals trash – ‘tis something, nothing,
'Twas mine, ‘tis his, and has been slave to thousands –
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.

Othello-W.Shakespeare

5/27/2008 6:35:57 AM

Helpful Hints Poem:
"On-line" only: Mistress says
Looking stern.To be feared.
("Offline" only:you might notice
The pot belly and the beard)

5/27/2008 3:50:18 AM

My apologies to any and all persons of whatever orientation if you are, in the course of things, insulted by my slave.
As it says in all the best magazines, the opinions therin expressed are not necessarily the opinion of the management
 I made the contractual oversight of saying that she could be a bitch to everyone apart from me.
and my does she take advantage of that little loophole
Does anyone own a muzzle?

5/26/2008 4:07:07 AM

Today's Helpful Hint:
Guys-when inventing your profile as a scary Dominatrix, it's best not to use pictures of some bimbo in a pink nightie sprawling over a bed with her legs open and her tits hanging out.
That's not a very Domly pose, now is it?

5/25/2008 7:14:20 AM

People shouldn't be afraid of their governments.
Governments should be afraid of their people.
"V for Vendetta"

5/25/2008 7:07:33 AM

Nobody gets out of life alive

5/19/2008 5:32:37 AM

Birthday Blog
The time when one allows oneself the luxury of  looking back....
(Today I have a right to be self indulgent, so piss off with your allegations of cynicism.)

Most of you can't even spell cynicism without looking it up

I have compiled the following pearls of wisdom -aka "pearls before swine")

Helpful Hint Number 12:
If you are looking for a Dom/Domme/slave/sub on the net, don't forget to leave no stone unturned.
After all, most of them look like they just crawled from under a rock.
However if you really are looking for a lifelong partner on here:
Helpful Hint Number 13
Look somewhere else as a backup plan.
There are actually only 7 people on here who are real, the rest of the profiles are made up by a unemployed gas fitter in Battersea.
You will have your time wasted, your head fucked, you will be misled.
If all you want is to have an online escape and a wank in front of the laptop, then fine.
However if what you are looking for has a pulse, then you will have to wade through an army of sad and lonely lost souls before you ever find a single reciprocating heartbeat.
Don't get me wrong-you CAN get lucky-I did-and I've met some sorted types on here, but most are basket cases
Helpful Hint Number 14:
If you're looking for "a bit of fun": to briefly escape and have some excitement away from your boring but worthy "other half"?:
If they're boring then they aren't really very worthy are they?
But if you really think they are boring but that they are nevertheless worthy of your time, your committment and that they are worth spending the rest of your life with-well-that probably makes you a little bit boring too doesn't it?
Helpful Hint Number 15:
Most people haven't a clue what they are looking for.
Seriously.
Most people set out to shop for a tin of beans at Asda and end up at Waitrose via Tesco with a trolley full of cream cakes and a box of spam.
Most people don't have much going on in their heads.
They'd make Homer Simpson look like Einstein and George Bush look like a dead clever president.Like Lincoln or somebody.
Or else they have too much going on in their heads.
Lots of random ideas bouncing about, not going anywhere,no real direction: just rattling off the inside of their skulls,like like angry bees in a bottle or hailstones against an iron roof.
It's a mistake to assume that a person knows what they want, and it's a real mistake to think that if they actually do know that they don't know what they want, that they'll tell you that they don't know what they want.

Conversely if they do know what they want, and they know it absolutely and positively aint you, don't expect them to tell you that either.
They might, after all, have to make their minds up.
People wouldn't stand at a bus stop just waiting for any bus going to anywhere at all, then, after 17 buses arrive and depart decide that they didn't really fancy going anywhere after all and just shrug their shoulders and amble aimlessly back where they came from.
But they do that here.
All the time.
I have an advertising slogan for Collarme:
"It's like Real Life: especially if you haven't got one."


5/18/2008 9:42:29 PM

Stand up
walk to the mirror
look in it
one day you will be dead
today you're alive
so what are you fucking waiting for?

5/17/2008 5:50:10 AM

Of course the truly unconventional pervert has no tattoos and can spell.

5/17/2008 4:46:51 AM

Advert That Most Blatantly Infringes the Trade Descriptions Act of the Day:
"Looking for 10 bois to lock up in a totally secure (purchased by you) stainless steel Chastity belt.........this is not a fantasy thing.... "

5/16/2008 7:14:56 AM

What is it with these journals full of D/s porn short stories?
"...her master approached her roughly in the shower growling "bend down and pick up the soap, bitch"..
she felt her penis harden under her lacy panties
What's that about then?

5/15/2008 6:46:15 AM

Right, I'm off to do some work.
No really....

5/15/2008 6:40:06 AM
and another:
If you would like the chance to see me in the flesh pop along to the london alternative market x normally im in black....
ooooooh that'll narrow it down a bit then



5/15/2008 6:32:52 AM

This is an example of a genuine advert
Man with a face like a dead haddock looking at the camera.
World map behind him.Is he left over from the 3rd Reich?:
"i love all my slaves,i am flexible to all needs,and all your limits,but i have no limits,so contact me,"
Come on candidates, what are you waiting for?

5/15/2008 6:24:34 AM

the video thing is a Good Idea.
Even if its a silent movie, at least it has to be done live, so you know that the vid relates to the advertiser.
Pics can be anybody, and they usually are.
Unless theyre fecking ugly in which case theyre often genuine
Vids? The only acid test on here-the only WYSIWYG that exists
Of course you still can't see what's in their minds......

5/15/2008 5:20:43 AM

"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me".
 
Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven.
 
Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!" :

The Pursuit of Happyness

5/14/2008 9:00:50 AM

A lot of people have their noses pressed against the glass.
The glass of their laptop
the glass of their window
the glass of their hermetically-sealed fishtank
They watch it all go by, at a safe distance.
Then they go back to their mundanities, clucking and tutting at the unfairness of the world
and how the right man/woman/dog never comes along, and how their life is a bit tedious
But
when a chance presents itself
when a day comes with an unpredictable element in it
... then it's:
Oh no I couldn't do that:
I'm not that sort of man/woman/other dog.
Then the next day they go back to twitching curtains and their internet bollocks
They shake their heads and tut at life
and life tuts back

5/14/2008 6:20:26 AM

A recent study concluded that men's ads on here outnumbered women's ads by about 25:1.
If you factor in:
a lot of the women's ads are TV's and (other) men pretending to be women then it must be nearer 200:1.
Then the only genuine female ad on here is from me:
My name is shirley, I'm 18 and I love to party.
I'd do anything for a dare.....

5/13/2008 4:36:00 PM

Isn't it odd how many "couple" profiles just show pics of the woman?
Does this tell us something?

5/12/2008 7:59:58 AM

A well balanced infant must enjoy a happy and fulfilled infancy.
Similarly adults, if they are not to grow stilted and dull, should enjoy a well adjusted adultery.

5/11/2008 4:03:31 AM

"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Thoreau


5/8/2008 7:54:21 AM

I'll be back in a few days
Like a lot of people on here, I just got back from my trip "over the pond"
When I was travelling over the pond I unfortunately got my cock caught up a duck's arse.
I'll be back after I've been to casualty.
..and then the bbq....

5/8/2008 5:11:14 AM

Hugh Hefner is 81.
He founded the playboy empire, with its cute bunny symbol and built it on soft core porn magazines which generations of teenage boys wanked over (literally).
In the 70's he started the spinoff "playgirl" magazine-soft porn aimed at women.
In the new millenium "Playboy" becomes a symbol for chav wimmin
Not even "Playgirl"-but "Playboy".
With the  same cute bunny symbol
How does an 81 year old geezer's business idea to produce wankfodder for generations of males become a symbol for pramfaced young wimmin in 2008?
I mean, it's almost as silly an idea as MacDonalds selling salads...

5/6/2008 3:18:22 AM

Apparently there's a free lobotomy with membership of Collarme.
Well....it certainly looks that way

5/4/2008 4:27:39 AM

Private Life
by Grace Jones-I love this song:

"Your sentimental gestures only bore me to death,

You've made a desperate appeal, now save your breath,

Attachment to obligation, through guilt and regret, shit: that's so wet

And your sex life complications are not my fascinations,

Your private life drama, baby, leave me out"


5/3/2008 3:04:19 PM
is a "polyhouse" anything like a polytunnel?

5/3/2008 12:22:49 PM
whooooah
finally uploaded a vid
totally boring and no sound and I dunno what sort of compression these guys use but there are pixels the size of housebricks
just as well I didn't buy a zillion pound camera really,,,,,ffffffs
but its me
when they finally approve it.....
and thats my slave behind me
too shy to appear
and if you believe that
you don't know her

5/3/2008 3:37:14 AM

Having totally failed to get any sense out of the admin on this site regarding their most generous featuring of a video greeting I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE NOR DID I REQUEST May I ask all those who want to see my pics to simply click the "view all photos" button
I will do a video, but most people who have used this feature upload a silent movie wherin they mouth soundless words and look like pixelated goldfish.
I wish to avoid this.
I applaud CM in adding this feature, as it must be done "live" it helps to ensure that profiles are genuine (wysiwyg)-I just wish they hadn't added mine before I uploaded one.......

5/2/2008 4:28:57 PM

Look: I'm a nice bloke really
nice-ish
I just hate to see dodgy profiles
If you're local and would like some help getting pics done that don't look like they came off Crimewatch, and if your piccy features soft furnishings that came off a bad taste TV show then I'll see if I can help.
Similarly if you'd like assistance with your grammar so that you don't write things like this:
 "I am one of those girls that is terrified...."...talk to my slave, she'll help you out
See.
I'm totally helpful and positive.
Now fuck off.

5/2/2008 11:08:59 AM

Tattoos: I'm a no-bullshit rebel, and I prove it by having ex's name (the bastard) written on the back of my neck and a smudgy picture of Tigger bouncing up and down on my ankle
Piercings:I'm a no-bullshit rebel and I prove it by having a face like a dartboard and a fanny like a xmas tree

5/2/2008 9:25:35 AM

Ads You Don't See Much On Collarme. Number One:
"Genuine, experienced couple seek male dominant- NO WOMEN-we are sick of those fakes on here who are really bikini clad bimbos, but send pics of some cute fat sweaty hairy bloke - STOP IT!!!- NO WOMEN-can't you read???"

5/2/2008 1:32:51 AM

Orange Alert!
The Bullshitometer on this site has now risen to 92%.
Would the remaining 8% of the crew not infected please go to the escape pods and prepare for emergency evacuation.

(and just where the fuck do you think YOU'RE going....?)

5/2/2008 12:59:48 AM

Quote of the day:
"....No Amiture photographers need appliey..."

5/1/2008 3:42:43 AM
In the film "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" there is a scene where during a swordfight Moriarty stabs Sigerson Holmes in the shoulder.
Holmes puts his hand to his wound
Looks at the blood-
Surprised
Moriarty:
"You see, my boy-it's much harder being a hero in real life"

4/30/2008 10:08:44 AM

Vanishing Livestock:
Sometimes you see coos
Sometimes they're in the noos
But sometimes they vanish
As if they lives in Greenland and yet spoke Spanish

Sometimes you see two coos
And sometimes you see none
Sometimes they're there
and sometimes...they're ...gone

4/30/2008 5:58:46 AM

Back from our trip to London and it was most pleasant to spend time with friends and finally get to meet Ravenmuse and his girl metalmiss.
In a grey world which often seems compromised, false and so up its own rectum -sometimes it is a sweet smell of country meadow (even in the smoke) to meet those who are "as advertised".
It makes one feel truly part of a supportive and genuine community.

4/30/2008 5:52:16 AM

Expect others to fuck up and you will rarely be disappointed.
And who knows....
One day you may get to be pleasantly surprised if they don't.

4/29/2008 1:34:56 PM

Would any spare dyke nympho slaves like to join me and my alpha slave in my castle in the mountains?
NO MEN!!!!

4/29/2008 6:41:31 AM

Fantasy -isn't it interesting?:
It's like being on a train
clackety clackety clack
, the journey is a little dull, so we look across at the houses and imagine what its like to live there
clackety clackety clack
To be the people in that pub
clackety
to be the person walking that mongoose
clackety clack
the life we have is familiar and safe
perhaps insanitary
or insane
clackety clack
but we can gaze over the fields and dream of other lives
before the driver squawks electronically
that we are home
and the fields and the mongoose and the other peoples' lives are gone
of course
clackety clackety clack
 to some the fantasy never stops
 the train hits the buffers and ploughs right on
and never
clackety
ever
clackety
....stops

4/25/2008 2:14:06 AM

I'm in London for a few days.
Please leave a message with the President.
(but no words with more than two syllables, please)


4/22/2008 9:36:41 AM

Quote of the day:

 i guess i just want a Man to be a Man.

....I think you may have chosen the wrong site.
Most of the men on here seem to want to be women

4/22/2008 9:27:19 AM

This is what my friends say about me:
"Who the fuck is he?"
"I don't even know Sir B'stard, he sounds like a prick"
"Has he got that infection sorted yet?"
"Isn't he dead or something?"
"A thoroughly untrustworthy bounder, he should be shot:pass me my twelve bore, Jenkins"


4/20/2008 5:38:16 AM

Now There's a Thing:
"Swindon was used as a backdrop to a 1994 commercial for Benylin cough medicine"
What claim to fame has your town got, viewers?

Here's and example to get you started:
Bishop Auckland-(Vinovium House Tax Office)
"During the early part of the 21st Century, the whole building underwent a refurbishment, and was upgraded to include UPVC double glazing throughout."
Wow-think of all that double glazing!Thankyou Wikipedia

4/18/2008 8:03:44 AM

STOP PRESS I have been told that my profile is unfriendly and unwelcoming.
All that changes here and now.
Come on don't be shy, here I am and I'm dead cuddly and nice and everything. Please stop by and say hi
That's everyone.
Even you, you cunt.


4/10/2008 11:48:12 AM
From the latest Manwoman advert:
"....Anyone who asks for information to"prove" my identity will automatically be assumed to be a predatory violent liar masquerading under an alias "
roflmfao!!!!

4/10/2008 10:55:41 AM
...and the seventy-third type are like Edwardian milking stools

4/10/2008 10:53:11 AM

In my experience there are seventy three sorts of Dominants.
The first sort are like Licorice Allsorts, the second are like Foxes Glacier Mints...

4/10/2008 10:51:03 AM

In my experience there are three sorts of submissives.
Some are like fruit bats, some are like ostriches and some are like spiny anteaters.
Which are you?

4/10/2008 3:15:59 AM

Is it just me, or have 79.5% of the profilees got really dodgy taste in soft furnishings, as evidenced by their piccies.

Location location location my dears!!!!

4/9/2008 5:38:40 AM

"I am perfection, you losers will adress ME as Goddess ,I seek pathetic creatures male or femal to serve and spoil ME, I offer online domination crawl to me and beg for my attention."
(p.s. If my wife answers I don't know you)


4/7/2008 11:40:58 PM

Most of us are looking for a LTR
At least one "LTR"...at least polygamy means that someone will do the washing up
But looking for an LTR and advertising the fact on here is pretty bloody desperate....

3/31/2008 12:39:04 PM
Isn't it really rather odd that many many (most?)"radical and different" D/s people are really rather conservative and anal, when all is said and done.

3/31/2008 12:35:14 PM
How many people on here.......have experience....that exists solely....in their feeble brains?

3/27/2008 1:11:25 PM

Hope all you subbies had a Happy Easter, and that the Easter Bunny shoved at least one Cadbury's Cream Egg up your bum.
When it gets nice and sticky and melty a handy penis/dildo/splintered broomhandle could be inserted and then you could get to lick it clean.
Now why didn't I think of that before?

3/27/2008 7:22:03 AM
How come there are so many congenitally stupid duffers on here?

3/27/2008 1:00:57 AM

I see Dr Who is now a member of this site:

"I am not entering my actual location. It may not be, in any way, referenced to what you see. I move regularly, travel constantly, so there is no point putting a location. Nor should you take the one you see seriously."

3/23/2008 12:29:37 PM

If you can see her ribs its a bogus profile.
Unless she's eating ribs covered in bbq sauce

3/23/2008 12:26:11 PM


Is there a single genuine profile on here on a Sunday?
Even mine is bogus today


3/15/2008 5:10:27 AM

I seek parrots to join me in a polly household

3/15/2008 5:05:12 AM

I have less time to spend on here lately,and I really miss some gems.
How about this for a profile:
"shy and curious about hypnosis"
That's it.
All of it.

3/15/2008 5:02:40 AM

I think that people should only be sold cream cakes and chocolate if they can run 100 me tres to the checkout without access to a defibrillator.

3/15/2008 4:57:47 AM

I think people who smoke must be very clever.
I mean how do they manage to stick their fag in their mouth each time and not their nose or their ear.
Smoking is also a good deoderant.
You may not have had a bath in a month, think toothpaste is a ludicrous expense and last had your genitals cleaned when someone went down on you two decades ago, but if you smoke nobody will be able to smell any of it.
But don't bother with the Joop

3/15/2008 4:47:28 AM

Well shiver me timbers
Saturday must be Dodgy Dominant Lesbian Day
The day when all self respecting married wimpy guys don cyber-dungarees and write profiles that shout "NO MEN!" while their wives pop out to Asda for a tin of mushy peas

3/11/2008 2:00:15 PM

How come all the wimmin in these parts have ads that say:

"I'm just looking and i have a wonferful master"
OR
"yes I'm bisexual but you don't expect me to shake hands with any women do you? - tuts"
OR
are heavily into burlesque
OR are women who are really called "Timothy"

3/8/2008 4:15:36 PM

"Hello my name is Joanne and I'm a really important company director.
I'm dead famous and everything, and that's why I've published all these full face recognisable photos of me on this pervert site.
None of these pics show me looking or doing anything fetish, in fact theyre all nilla, but that really doesn't mean I nicked them from some random unsuspecting florist in Alaska"
 FUCKWIT! 


3/8/2008 3:25:59 PM

"I'm a BBW so if you don't like that move on..."
Why doesn't anyone on here apologise for being too skinny?

3/7/2008 3:00:43 AM

Some people have a powerful radar.
As soon as they get a blip from what they say that they are looking for they open their throttle and vanish into the distance.
Or just bail out  and watch their Muppetshmitt crash in flames beneath them

2/25/2008 2:32:21 PM
Hint for the terminally stupid:
The "lesbians" on here are wanky spunk-smelling obese fuckwit men
All of them.

2/22/2008 4:17:37 PM

"You see my boy-It's much harder to be a hero in real life"

Moriarty to "Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother"

Of course this is why it's easier with the fantasy.
 
And why so many choose it. Like outlaws at a Country and Western festival.Their wives having sewn together their outfits from an old tent and half a yard of denim
You're not real outlaws.
Real outlaws would kill you.
Real fast

It's much harder making things work in real life

2/21/2008 3:10:27 PM

Half of this site is composed of fantasist muppets and the other half is composed of people who do jack shit, but are quite happy to critisize other people who don't do jack shit and are actually doing the hard stuff -you know living the lifestyle, walking the walk and not just jacking off.
The other half of the people on here are ok, but then-my maths is shite as that amounts to 150%
I'll do a recount
Now let me see
Which are YOU?

2/19/2008 12:02:48 PM

Thankyou slavemj for an entertaining profile and personality and for being able to express yourself without using the phrase:
"Yoore a fashist dont you know I'm dyslexic?"
Yay USA!!!

2/19/2008 11:53:09 AM

Shedloads  of wimmin on 'ere who are obviously men ("Dommes" flashing their tits anyone.....?!)
and you click to see who their "friends" are......hey look.......more men pretending to be wimmin
'undreds of the bleeders

Is there a pattern here
I think we should be told...............

2/13/2008 9:39:55 PM

Ear infection.
Can't sleep.
Why are all the kajiras awake at 5 am?

2/13/2008 2:37:03 PM

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY !!!

2/11/2008 2:40:54 PM

Retard ad of the week award goes to:
"pimpess" with "her" profile proudly holding a certificate of lobotomy

Who is the person REALLY in the pic?

Does she know its been hijacked?

Probably not....

2/11/2008 10:58:56 AM

"Curvy" rather ugly 23 year old Domme seeks online only, and tributes of gold and silver-though she doesn't have a webcam or send pictures.

Does anyone actually respond to this kind of shite?

2/10/2008 1:12:48 AM

Music to split your eardrums by

Impossible to speak or hear

Sad people in their nilla glad rags on the pull

Why do the wimmin seem eight feet tall?

Doormen counselling domestic disputers

His head bounces off the perspex bus shelter

thump thump thump

with the rythmn of the music

So this is why I hate straight nightclubs

I had quite forgotten

2/5/2008 11:43:54 PM

Is it just here oop North...but r/l the same names keep "cropping" up.....it's like there are only six people around here actually doing anything...and I'm four of them

2/3/2008 5:59:49 PM
I would appreciate it if retarded, illiterate American muppets ceased and desisted contacting me.
Why don't you run along and get nominated for president instead

1/27/2008 2:58:27 PM

I'm not the man in the picture
It isn't really me
I found it on the internet
Now it's my identity

I never do that dirty stuff
with ladies-too much bother
and awkward too, as I still live
with my dearest darling mother

But I say my piece on sexy sites
On here my word is law
I'm sometimes in the chatrooms
as Mabel: Filthy Whore

Sometimes I'm a big tough Dominant
Sometimes I'm a tortured slut
I'll take no shilly shally
No "if", no "and" no "but"

As Mabel I get punished
I get black and I get blue
I drink wee and excrement
I'm so dirty- why? aren't you?

I think that some you find here
aren't quite a real as me
I sell my well-used knickers
For only fifty pee

Some people take the Michael
Just here for a bit crack
They aren't like me at all you know:
A nymphomaniac


1/23/2008 1:54:05 AM

The number of sham identities on Collarme has now reached 245%.
Even mine is, in reality, written by a 29 year old slapper in a pvc nurses outfit.
 Ooooh look at my boobies!!!!!

1/17/2008 3:05:52 PM

Naturally there is absolutely nothing at all that says "no weapons" on the photo submission page...and nothing thats says NO PHONEY BALONEY PIX THAT ARE OF SOME RANDOM BIMBO either
But I hear there are a few of those

1/17/2008 2:56:12 PM

last photo NOT approved as they don't allow pics of weapons.
OK I'll put my 24" cock away then, shall I?

1/16/2008 5:54:12 PM

Muppet of the Week:
"...My first impressions of Middlesbrough.. slightly smelly, and well lit...."


1/14/2008 4:16:58 PM

99% of the people on here are as dim as a 5 watt energy saving bulb.

Which is switched off....


1/14/2008 11:36:28 AM
photos awaiting disapproval

1/14/2008 11:34:00 AM

Are you out there?

I'm looking for a serious 24/7 relationship with someone into chainsaw play, tinfoil fetish and canary juggling.

Genuine replies only

1/14/2008 11:20:58 AM
I have the distinct impression that a lot of people on here tell whoppers

1/14/2008 11:18:46 AM

Where doth the truth lie?
Quoth the raven
The truth dost not lie anywhere
Quoth the magpie
Which is why
We call it
The truth

1/14/2008 4:17:16 AM

Hey missus....
Theres no point in dressing all slutty and pouting and stuff.....and posing in front of flowery curtains and Ikea sofa (with the TV remote lying on it)

1/7/2008 11:35:45 AM

Reading through the navel gazing profiles-both real and imaginary--------When all is said and done, much is said and little is done.

1/6/2008 12:38:20 PM
I love the profiles that start:
 "I'm a...... woman"
Only men would need to put that

1/5/2008 3:08:15 PM

well the chainsaw pic that WAS approved last time wasn't approved this time.

ah well....

1/3/2008 1:46:08 PM
well they didn't allow THAT pic

How about THIS one?

1/1/2008 1:06:20 PM

I just submitted a new pic
That stream of stuff falling on the ice is lemonade and is absolutely not any other sort of yellowish liquid.
It certainly ISN'T vulgar.

So there.

1/1/2008 12:50:09 PM

I am changing my name to something easier to remember.

Hopefully soon I may be a household word.

From this day forth I shall be known as "Dom Estos"

1/1/2008 12:46:19 PM

I'm changing my name to "A Wonderful Dom" as so many profiles on here say "collared to A Wonderful Dom".

IT'S ME!!!!!

12/29/2007 9:45:11 PM
Timeslip:
Ontario and Calgary are still part of the UK, according to two shitforbrains profiles I see in front of me....

12/28/2007 10:58:43 AM
I would like to nominate "Alma" and her massa  boss as having the best profile of the day.

Congratulations.

Please step up and accept your award.

When your wife lets you

12/22/2007 11:45:15 AM

Urban Myth #236
Smokers:your magic polo mint will not remove all smell of the last fag* you had.
Neither will Freshasabreezemouthwash unless you bathe in the product, then put your clothes in the bath full of it, then jump up and down on them and hang them out in the sun for a week.

(*fag=cigarette not fag=homosexual)

12/9/2007 3:06:39 PM

I think a lot of these bogus profiles which purport to be women but are obviously written by men are from men "exploring their feminine side".

I think it would be an excellent idea to assist them to "explore their feminine side" by removing their testicles with rusty secateurs.

Do any other readers have ideas as to how we can help them on their quest to "explore their femininity"?


12/8/2007 1:53:16 PM

Last week I got an email that read:
 
"I think you aren't really Sir B'stard. I think you are really a lesbian slavegirl with silicone tits"

I have passed this message on to my solicitors: Messrs. Mouldy and Damp of Lord Berkeley's Knob, Sutherland, Scotland

12/2/2007 12:20:25 PM

Quote of the Day:
 ".......my children always come first but for as i say the other Doms ive had dont think of the kids and if your like them please dont message me as it would be a waste of your time as it is mine,but i do have time to do anything when they go to bed but i would hope you respect that......."

a little punctuation and voila....

it would still be gibberish


12/2/2007 6:25:10 AM

I wonder.....

Is it my imagination or has the phemomenon of men posing as "dykes" now reached epidemic proportions?

I find it particularly sad when messages such as: "I have just collared my new (generic pic of size zero bimbo in her 20's)slave juicy_loosy and she is joining my stable of polysexual sluts and we are all very happy"

...and they get such a warm, cosy and congratulatory response on the Uninformed Consent message boards.

Why not send "her" a card, but not chocolates, as in reality he's a 20 stone plumber called Eric Thwaites and he doesn't need the calories.


12/2/2007 6:22:47 AM

I'm here to meet new and interesting fiends

11/30/2007 2:17:20 AM

Quote of the Day:
" don't do scat, blood, pain or anything illegal."
Well you're obviously not a Labour MP then

11/27/2007 9:46:36 PM

This site needs and enema!

11/26/2007 7:27:42 AM

So who the flying duck is AngelPapillon?

she's vewwy vewwy sweet on all her vids on YouTube and she's such a fan of CowwarMe
 
If she likes cowwarme so much how come she doesn't seem to have a profile......?




11/26/2007 6:23:30 AM

So many dispshit blindingly obviously fake profiles on new today

hello Tim-you've just come back from your hols haven't you?

11/25/2007 12:50:19 PM

Profile of the Day:
"i have had some experiance with people moth male and female over the years .."
(Don't you just hate it when you find those moth-holes in all your best people? )

11/20/2007 12:20:16 PM

Profile of the Day:
 (from a "female Domme")
....Looking for an attractive complaint girl for online fun..
Attractive complaint girl?
There's one in Asda.
She takes in all the busted toasters.


11/20/2007 1:44:53 AM

Hint:
Your camera has a self-timer.
If you really haven't got any friends to take your pic....
Don't just press the shutter and point it at yourself.....we can see your arm you know?......
coz then the world will really, twooly know...........
1.you haven't got any friends.....
2. you're too stoopid to use a camera

11/20/2007 1:29:22 AM

Someone new to this might think:
oooooooo so many dirty stop outs
so many perverts-what FUN I can have!
Unfortunately when one excludes:
1.the pro dommes who all look like bad TV's,
2.the lesbian (NO MEN) men,
3.the people who never ever ever do anything and just hang around on here as they've nowt better to do
4. Goreans
That leaves just eight people who are up for it in the Real World.
And they all live in Saffron Walden, next to the butchers.
 

11/20/2007 1:22:32 AM

Note to Americans: The previous entry was supposed to be funny.

But then you do have George Bush

11/19/2007 5:24:00 AM

To me D/s is all about trust.

It is that special moment when you have found the special one to share a special place for your special needs.

Someone who appreciates that you you didn't really just bunk off school, but that you're really dsysleksick.

When you look into their eyes violins play, you hear a harp and someone farts loudly in the woodwind section.

It's all very romantic when you find that person.

Someone to share your times, to listen to the story of your latest operation.

Someone you get to hit with household appliances.

It's lovely.

I have written a poem all about it.

Would you like to read it?


11/19/2007 12:37:58 AM

I think we hav a dylesxia epydemic on this websitte.
Do'nt you?

11/14/2007 1:36:28 AM

Quote of the day
From a "professional Dominatrix" profile:
"... i cannot accomadate."
Neither can you spell, dear.
er
or capitalise correctly.
I dunno....
Professional standards these days.....
it also says:
"Do not write to me if you wish to be a house"
(which is one perversion I have yet to enact. May one at least be a caravan ?)


11/11/2007 10:35:43 AM

There is a vishus rumur going round that SirBstard is looking for annother slave

Thius isn't tue as hes got me

I no I have a disease but its getting better and I no longer need oxygen

I am sittuayted in canada at the moment but we will bee together real soon (am saving the tokens from the weetos packets)

all you otherr bitches cann go to heel

yours faithfully

slave torontotwat

SLRN 9991212911


11/9/2007 10:16:32 AM

Message of the week

Someone on 'ere contacted me and told me how famous she was
When I asked about her credentials for such a claim she replied:

"Dear Sir
I served the millionaire whom ran the whippedwomen site and was on there myself at one point.
Musson is a Libyan arms dealer that operates real life slavery based on submission or die and I am Musson slave 6, NOT BDSM , NOT SSC or RACK
Most are abducted into and its all accepted by countries world wide."


So there you have it.
Whatever it is.

11/8/2007 7:09:50 AM

Secret code word of the year:
If someone bandies the word "burlesque" about (as in: "I go to lots of burlesque clubs",
 "I'm in a burlesque act"
 "I love burlesque, me" )
then they're psycho-crazy untetheredpersonality-frigging-lunatics.
And its probably all the same lunatic

You heard it here first.
 
On the other hand burlesque might just be the new salsa.
Whatever salsa was.

p.s. photos awaiting renewal

11/5/2007 5:41:46 AM

The machines grow clever and lean while we grow fat and stupid.
The clock is ticking.
And it is not a clock ever wound by human hand.
Wake up, before we all sleep forever.

11/3/2007 1:37:51 PM

Have you noticed how some people with the moral value system of an average three-toed sloth can be stirred into furious indignation by a frivolous and imagined slight from moi?

Try that branch down there, dear.
There's some lovely leaves on it.

11/3/2007 1:32:23 PM

Have you noticed how the sentence:
"not looking, happy as I am" can be transformed simply by leaving out the comma?

11/3/2007 11:29:43 AM

Submission is a gift.

But if its all the same to you I prefer Ferraris.


11/3/2007 11:27:27 AM

For me bdsm isn't all about sex.
To me it's all about mail-order stationery supplies.

10/29/2007 12:33:33 PM

Some people feel the need to hide in the shadows

They prefer the dark and the quiet.
To be here, but to be gone

Perhaps they are making ready for their graves?

"See you in the next life"?

No thankyou

Having learned nothing in this life, most likely you'll be a schmuck in the next one too.

10/27/2007 9:26:52 AM
Halloween party tonight....By way of an experiment............a test to see how many people really do "get out" given the chance
Short Notice I know......but...

In County Durham  (near Bishop Auckland)
Fancy Dress
if you wanna come, send me a message on here or on IC and I'll give you directions if we like the cut of your jib

Whatever a jib is

10/27/2007 9:20:17 AM

Halloween party time-one person (a 48 year old self confessed "newbie") asks if there are any spare invites-well-we say-sure.

Its JUST a party-we add-just in case he thinks his luck is in.

After sending him directions he says:

"Ooh I can't go THERE someone might know me. I have to be discrete"

Unlike everyone else, of course.

The rest of us all have dirty filthy sex in the street, have no jobs and no families as we were all hatched out of eggs.

That's how newbies stay newbies.

And if you REALLY wanna be discrete....probably best if you don't have a full face pic of yourself on here


10/20/2007 12:57:19 PM

Photo Workshop
1. To male (and some female) dominants.
You will probably pull better if you lose the beard
2.To all advertisers. The prescence of household goods in your photo will be best received on Ebay and not on here.
3. Webcams are better than nothing.
Just. Especially the ones that take offcentre pics where you look like a midget.

If you can't afford a thirty quid camera, and you don't have a friend to take your picture, this gives the message that you're broke and have no friends.

10/12/2007 9:35:16 AM

Question Time
Considering the abundance of ugly women who are that way by birth, why do ugly blokes put on Laura Ashley dresses and pretend to be ugly women with hairy legs?

There isn't a shortage y'know.

Ugly women with flowery skirts and hairy legs are not in such short supply that you really need to dress like that

10/9/2007 10:46:40 AM

I am currently based in England but I will travel to Nigeria if you're the only son of a corrupt dictator with a bank account bulging with illicit funds.
My main interests are forced feminisation (by secateurs, of those men on here who pretend to be women) chocolate deprivation, watersports (particularly snorkelling), badger baiting (I call their mummys rude names) and jam making.
On your knees and contact me NOW scum.
If you don't mind.

10/6/2007 2:21:24 PM

Since changing my status to a Pro Dom I have been tributed a "Right Price" cordless kettle, a signed photo of Julian Clary, a packet of Licorice Allsorts and a jigsaw puzzle of princess Diana.

I don't think you guys have the right idea about this at all...

10/6/2007 1:01:29 PM

NOT LOOKING
I have found the one!
and as soon as she dumps that loser of a footballer, Victoria will be moving into my 1962 Commer campervan with me and my Gorean mates, where she truly belongs.

10/2/2007 1:06:29 AM

Many thanks to IvyMorgan for submittingto being interviewed by Myself and My bitch for the forthcoming (eventually....) book.
Your contribution was much appreciated.

10/2/2007 12:52:12 AM

I have decided to become a Pro Dom.
My rates are: $1300 an hour and $1000* an hour after the inital hour.
During this time you will be ignored whilst I watch television and play games on my X-Box.
You may order me pizza with lots of pepperoni, and provide me with beer.
When I have finished with pizza and beer you may remove and dispose of any empty boxes/bottles I care to deposit at my feet. You may then give me a blow job.
During our session I will intermittently give you verbal humiliation, but not physical humiliation, as I really can't be arsed and I have a bad back.
Needless to say, an orgasm for you is totally out of the question.

Alternatively we could get married and you could have all the above for free, every night 
*no, I haven't become an American. The pound sign doesn't work on this fucking keyboard.....

10/1/2007 10:27:21 PM

"In old age one will look back on this time and the memories will make you hard/wet again.
Unless the only naughtieness you do involves staring at the screen and wanking, in which case you'll think:
"Why was I such a loser?" "
Simon de Oldfart

10/1/2007 10:17:25 PM

Why is it that those people who demand honesty, openness, experience and self knowledge are most likely to be those who last scened when Hitler was a cute baby, have seven previous names, and eight current profiles?
Oh and they usually have a profile containing a quote by Simone de Go-Kart (unattributed)
And no photo.

10/1/2007 10:35:51 AM

Halloween Party Planned-27th October (saturday).
Something wild. In fancy dress (no, it's not "optional" you boring fart)

10/1/2007 10:10:16 AM

I think this is becoming CollarMeNation Street

10/1/2007 12:56:47 AM

I'm caring and loving, I aim to nurture
But failing that shit, I'll give you some turture

10/1/2007 12:46:20 AM

It's Monday morning, when all the househusbands in the country turn into lesbians and write collarme profiles....

9/29/2007 2:10:50 PM

I wish I could be in my slave's arms right now.
How foolish I was to saw them off.

9/29/2007 2:56:37 AM

I may be a "mature" old fart but I have the body of a 25 year old.

and the body of  32 year old

and the body of a 41 year old.
They just haven't found them all yet

9/25/2007 1:55:15 AM

I have had to release "Bigboobedteenageslut" from my consideration.
I wish to make it clear that this was not due to any fault on her part, but simply because my beloved slave has taken to chopping coconuts with a large meat cleaver whilst looking at me in a strange manner.
Thankyou.

9/24/2007 3:22:54 PM

I read all my slave's mail and insist on approving her responses.

This is because I have an extremely small penis.

9/22/2007 3:48:37 AM

The World is a Circle without a beginning,

and nobody knows where it really ends.

Everything depends on where you

are in the circle that never begins.

Nobody knows where the circle ends.

La la la,

la la la la la la.

La la la,

la la la la la la.

La la la,

la la la la la la.(and so on and so forth)

I really love musicals

That was from 1973's "Lost Horizon"

as was the immortal line:

"And just because they say you're weak,

that doesn't mean you've a weak physique.

And even if they're partly right

at least they're partially wrong. "

I doubt that even Reb could make that pile of warthog offal sound good




 


9/19/2007 2:04:55 AM

Profile of the Week:
"
Although by no means compulsory, I have recently developed an especial desire to find a girl and turn her into a complete bimbo."

I once had a similar desire to turn a girl into a complete bambi-but the surgery was a little deer...

9/17/2007 3:54:34 AM

Normally I stop at watersports, blood and scat.
However at weekends I stop at the "Cozy Caravan Park", Leeds.

9/14/2007 9:11:45 AM

To be equal to a true Master one must be like the fisherman and bait many hooks.

For in truth before one masters a master fishing one must master a master baiting.

(Frederick Von Pumpernickel)

9/9/2007 2:59:36 AM

Bonkers profile of the week:
".. I seek NO financial relations, but you must
    show me a lifestyle that matches my own
    - I have Koi Carp.... do you?"
 No, but I have a Goldfish credit account. Will this do?

9/7/2007 9:58:43 PM

To be frank, you're a little bit stupid aren't you?

9/7/2007 9:57:21 PM

It is with great regret that I announce to the world that I am leaving CM and the world of sexual perversion.
I have found Jesus, he has found me, and we are happy together

9/6/2007 3:03:54 AM

Remarkable how many people on here are "not looking"
They'll be the real women then

9/5/2007 12:39:43 PM

I hate to tell you people, but "tutting" doesn't constitute an exercise programme

9/5/2007 11:44:21 AM

There is an Oriental proverb which reads:
"Don't wish too hard for something.
You might just get it"

9/4/2007 6:30:36 AM

This morning before breakfast I collared seven slaves in my pyjamas.
I have no idea how they all got in there.

9/4/2007 4:31:58 AM

Warning!
"Mincingtoiletloiterer" has been using my photo on his profile.
I have informed the authorities

9/1/2007 7:27:04 AM
Just a thought:
We all want Long -Term relationships LTR's(well most of us do, unless we already have one and are looking for a bit on the side-BOS)  but to say you're "on here looking for a LTR" makes you sound a bit needy and will probably scare people off.
Some casual relationships end up as LTR's
In fact they all come from there, originally.
I mean-supposing you're in a nightclub/on holiday/defusing a WW2 500lb bomb and this gorgeous person strikes up a convo then says "I'd love to have a drink with you but I'm only looking for a LTR"
What would you think?
"Oooh a Stalker", probably....
So you've had your profile on here for ages and you still haven't found The One with which to:
have a LTR.....
settle down.........
choose furniture..........
raise kids........
buy a dog...........
argue and fight.............
have the best sex ever as it celebrates your LTR.....
sing carols under the Christmas tree while granny gets pissed (again).....

That might be a little too much pressure on any prospects there.
Why not try a STR and work up.
Possibly


8/26/2007 4:39:22 PM

Just got a message in from "Mummy"
it simply said "wanker".
Well I dunno who you are,Mummy- as you have deactivated your profile, but I'd just like to say that you're a wonderfully accurate judge of character
Well-mine at least

8/25/2007 4:53:41 AM

I look like a fright, I live in a skip
I've got a beard that is covered
in last week's cheese dip

I can't spell I've no wit
and I can't climb the stairs
and my pants are all covered in fag-ash and dog hairs

And yet I've attracted this quite stunning slave
size 10, a degree and her own autoclave

She's a Doctor of letters
She has her own jet
There's little doubting I'm sure
That I'm a jammy old get

It's quite easy to find one!
a Master or slave
can't see what's the trouble
just right click and go "save"

Last week I had Britney and Posh and Mariah
and that Jennifer Aniston
I just went to see her

She paid for the flight
in her own private jet
I'm just back from Manhattan
I'm a jammy old get

Some think it's in chains
Or in tight cords that bind
But I think that true Dominance....?
Well it's all in the mind!


8/25/2007 3:49:25 AM

I'm just here to chat to fiends.
And no, that's not a misprint.....

8/23/2007 12:17:32 PM

Thursday's Recipe
Beef B'stard:
Marinate dead cow in Coca Koala (it's Australian)
Sear strips of your free range organic locally-reared silverside in butter, add onions , cherry tomatoes, oyster mushrooms and sliced red peppers.
Add a slosh of white wine and a sloosh of cider a swash of lemon juice and a swish of soy sauce
cook for a bit
at the right moment (when the sun is in the seventh house) add a little slurp of your coca cola marinade.
cook for a bit more
try some
Is it nice and tender?
Then it's cooked and lovely.
Now feed it to your puppy.


8/21/2007 6:49:14 AM

Oh, and if there's not enough to read here, please check out my profile on Informed Consent: (tv_maid_slackalice)

8/17/2007 4:37:29 PM

2 x parties I have attended within a fortnight and hardly anyone who is invited turns up to them.
All I can think is that the number of fetishisti who do r/l have just about vanished in the NE. (and I do think that lots of people don't even know what "real life " is anymore:hint-if your sex life only happens while you sit on your arse its probably NOT r/l...)

All they had to do was bring a bottle of plonk to a party...the wildest excuse was "oooh i can't go coz I'd have to be on my own"
HELLO!
Its a party!!!
Thats how you get NOT to be alone....

8/13/2007 8:14:31 AM

I see....I think I can see your problem....

"I'd love to be more fulfilled but my current/previous:
husband
wife
kids
dog
cat
sheep
pig
bad back
vicar
star sign
mental illness
poverty
bad experience as a child
previous life as Henry VIII...
... makes it impossible.
I plan to get some experience very soon (as long as i can do so without leaving the house or meeting anyone) "

8/10/2007 6:03:38 AM

party, party, party, party
and still no jelly and custard.
I just love being the floor show

8/9/2007 3:53:03 AM

Why do most people on this site write standing up?
Is it because if you stand up it makes it easier to talk out of your arse?

8/9/2007 3:49:54 AM

I don't do scat, so why do I spend all my time
cleaning up puppy shit

8/5/2007 9:23:46 AM

I have decided to follow the trend of my sister Dommes and I now have for sale a small selection of my used Y-fronts and, due to the intolerance of my slave, some rather charming grey socks of no small sentimental value.
I accept Paypal.

8/5/2007 1:22:52 AM

Hello world.
Good morning and welcome to Sunday
The sun is shining and the sky is blue
Have a lovely day!

8/5/2007 1:21:01 AM

Speaking of BB.
The reality most people inhabit on this site is very like the reality of the BB house.
But like Chance the Gardener says in "Being There"-you all "like to watch" don't you?
Well here's the thing:
I'm watching you watching me-so stop that NOW you sick fuck.

8/5/2007 1:14:35 AM

Amateur Sex
Hint of the day.:When taking pictures of yourself naked and pouting in chains (or wielding a riding crop and looking rather cross)...make sure the tv set isn't visible behind you.
Most people have televisions now, so you're not going to impress anyone by showing the world that you own one.
Especially if it shows you were watching Big Brother at the time the photo was taken.

8/4/2007 10:33:57 AM
I did a social survey in Bishop Auckland today and here are the results:
Whats In This Season:
Football shits and tack suits.
Sorry thats a misprint
I think
"Football shirts"
I didn't realise how many footballers there were in Bishop Auckland-and can they really be any good when they smoke so much and eat so many Greggs pastys
Greggs pastys of course are always in. I observed one fashionista wobbling shirtless through Newgate Shopping Centre carrying a Gregg's baggy in one hand and a cheese and onion special with extra lard in the other
Lovely jubbly!
The track suits are great for exposing the bum cleavage of the chavish natives.
 They have to bend down a lot as their ethnic hoopy "solid gold" earings weigh so much they give them all premature "Burberry stoop", a condition aided only by the lumbar support provided by the ubiqitous supermarket trolley containing 8 gallons of white cider and two dozen cream cakes.
I was so hypnotised by the flurry of blubber that I forgot what I came out for and returned with 9x embossed toilet rolls, a Guardian (which the natives don't read as there aren't any tits in it) and a jumbo packet of budgie seed.
Which is odd as I don't have a budgie.

7/26/2007 12:49:05 PM

Why is it real Dommes are usually size 20 forty-somethings but fake Dommes are invariably size 8 twenty-somethings?

7/26/2007 12:37:10 PM

Is it just me, or are most people on here full of shit?

7/26/2007 3:33:02 AM

Alluring FemDom profile of the day:
"I am old! All the scientists will agree with Me. I am also clinically obese and My BMI bears witness to this. So, to all of Y/you, stop writing to tell Me that I am neither"

7/25/2007 2:47:10 PM

Wednesday Night Quiz:
Q. What do you get for nothing?
A. Nothing.

7/25/2007 9:50:51 AM

Just read a profile from a "coputer(sic) expert wanting to develop her dome(sic) side".

If you want to become more dome-ly just eat more lard

7/13/2007 12:24:11 AM

Hello. My name's Bstard.
I'd like to talk to you about my piles, which are very painful for some reason.
I went to the Doctor and he booked me in for an appointment at the pile clinic. I'll keep you all informed as to how it went
I also lost my pet goat last month, so I'm still upset, so I'm not looking right now as I've found the most wonderful slave in "duskyafricanprincess" who loves Me and Me alone. I trust her with my heart, soul and my credit card details. I read all her mail. I also write all her mail.
I have a Rubenesque figure brought on by eating too many pies, so if you don't like well-made, well-rounded, curvy, buxom, men then just SOD OFF AND DIE YOU FASCIST.
I hate people who can't spell, so if you're ilietrate, unneductaed or ignorent then move on
I'm looking for My one true love to last throughout eternity,or, failing that, a quick shag.

A Poem What I Wrote:
"The sweetest
I have found the sweetest
and she sits here
at My feetest.
Ah joy
My life is made whole
I found her
I have scored My goal
the road is mapped
my story's done
cause I have found
my little one"

Another poem
"I like bees
as they're all stripy
But I don't like them when they hit my car and go all icky on my windscreen wipey"

7/11/2007 12:47:02 AM

hmnnnn
The rules say "no pictures of hardcore bondage"
So a ballgag in My slave's mouth is hardcore?
Lucky I didn't submit the one with the meathooks and barbed wire then......

7/10/2007 11:12:55 PM

My last photo was disallowed as it "showed bondage"
tuts
What was I thinking about....

7/4/2007 4:26:37 PM

Be an expert on something
Even if its something obscure
"TV Westerns of the 1960's"
"Hubcaps of famous cars"
"The names of the Transformers"
recipes for rhubarb...
But try not to be an expert on me
Trust me
You'll lose.

7/3/2007 1:04:52 AM

I don't like Mondays...
A very odd day yesterday when one gets odd responses and one thinks
 "Did they really just say that?"for the rest of the day.
Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the sunspots (Assault on Precinct 13?).
Who knows.
Thats the thing about the net.
It's a virtual world, a bit like Second Life but not quite, as you don't have your avatar-you're just who you are-but side-shifting into cyberspace.
Anyone notice that the more intense things between two people the more dangerous msn becomes?:

Did you mean that?
what?
what you just said?
when?
I can't believe you said that
said what?
what you just said
when I said what?
back there. Jesus.
What did I say?
You don't even know do you?
What. What don't I know?
What you just said then
When I said what?
Bastard
Who is ?
Never mind. Nothing
No. Tell me you mean. Who's a bastard ?
You are.
And you don't even know what you said.

I think msn should be banned.
Unless it's a conversation about mangos.

7/1/2007 7:29:54 AM

"the boy said 'my name is sirbastard, and it might be a sin, but i'll take your bet, your gonna regret cos i'm the best theres ever been' "

6/28/2007 8:34:22 AM


Is it any wonder people lurrrrrrrrrrrrve me?
this is an example of a Dominant profile I just spotted:

"an ability to articulate clearly is usefull as is an interest in sci-fi. I look forward to any corespondance"

1.If you want to attract articulate people, learn to spell. It impresses those who are articulate.
2. Women are not interested in sci-fi.
They just want to admire Captain Jack's arse.


6/28/2007 5:35:01 AM
Bloody papparazi
Shoo!

6/27/2007 6:35:53 AM

The are lots of laws
You know Murphy's law, Sod's Law and the law that says toast always falls butter side down
Which law is it that says that we are all experts at what's wrong with the lives of others and yet still leaves us totally crap at leading fulfilled lives ourselves?
That'll be "Big Brother" Law I suppose.
Nothing to see here.
Move on please.



6/27/2007 1:04:42 AM

It may help you fit in around here if you have the brain of an intellectually damaged goldfish

6/26/2007 12:56:38 AM

I'm a little crabby,
but I'm not a hermit
I'm in a cave
but it's not hermitically sealed
(I may be a crabby hermit, but I aint no hermit crab)

6/25/2007 1:29:53 PM

Anyone spending their precious waking hours speculating on my private life?
Try speculating on this instead 

6/22/2007 4:52:01 AM

Dear Zeus.
I would like to apply for the post of full-time minor deity.
As you know I am currently standing in for the God of Skin Blemishes, but I would like to increase my hours and perhaps be considered for promotion.
I understand that there is a vacancy in the Gods of Soft Fruit Department.
I can see myself as the God of Bananas.

6/22/2007 4:45:34 AM

Some days, flying is possible. As is being a God and turning base metal into gold with the slightest touch of your shadow.
Why is it, then, that the very next day making a fucking cup of tea is too much of a challenge?

6/21/2007 12:41:31 AM

I'm still not totally sure what this is all about.
There can be times, like yesterday, when I nearly know.
But then I have to put it into words and I can't find them.
There's a short story by HG Wells: "The Door in the Wall".
I think the answer's in there somewhere.
If I can find it again..........

6/21/2007 12:38:52 AM

why why why why why?
what what what what what?
If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand...

6/17/2007 1:07:31 AM

Profile of the day:
(Short and to the point)
"im very very sub yes and looking for a husband "
Who could resist?
We're getting married next Sunday.

6/16/2007 7:42:21 AM

I have friend who, though a male has put a profile on here as a female to wind people up.
I told him it was a terrible thing to do, and that I was no longer sending him xmas cards, but he says he's guiltless as it is obviously totally and utterly fake-but I said.
No. Its not big and its not clever.
Still.
...I personally am innocent of blame for this juvelile prank.
He tells me that he got 2 pages of messages in 2 hours to his randomly chosen bimbo picture.
A lot of these messages from "Doms" who are from the old school:
"Have you a cam?"
"Where is your cam?"
"switch on your cam"
"why am I waiting for your cam?"
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, BITCH!?"
Is there a charm school for stupid "Doms" who can't tell their arses from their elbows?
I suspect it should be very popular.


6/13/2007 9:41:59 AM

Thanks to the wonders of technology I can see that my profile has been read by a gay male slave called.... "volvocar"
Now that's what I call sick.

6/13/2007 1:27:34 AM

Oooooh.... I've only been on here a week and I already have 1,459,987 messages but let me repeat I do not want messages from men.
I have now attached a picture of me, and don't I look lovely in my white bikini?
I also have some where I'm wearing a chunky maroon cardigan but I need to remove the bit on the front that says how many balls of wool it takes to knit.
All messages from men will be read by my master and he will kick your head in.
Oh shit. This is the wrong profile

6/12/2007 1:13:24 PM

If you can't change anything else in your life, at least change your socks.

6/12/2007 11:02:29 AM

Movie Quote of the Day:
Bob Sweeney: There was a moment... when I used to blame everything and everyone... for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened to me, that I saw happen to my people. Used to blame everybody. Blamed white people, blamed society, blamed God. I didn't get no answers 'cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions.
Derek Vinyard: Like what?
Bob Sweeney: Has anything you've done made your life better?

(American History X, 1998)

6/12/2007 1:28:05 AM

Thought For The Day
The thing of it is-it doesn't really matter how far-out those muckle-heads with dodgy profiles try to make their lives appear-Real Life got there first.
Some people are not just stranger than we imagine, but stranger than we can imagine. And nicer, and warmer and more sincere than we can imagine.
And nearer their goals, and nearer to selfhood. Self not being the IPod self, not being the New Car self, not being the New Ikea Sofa self.
Self being the spiritual self.
I think we need to find who we are in the universe-where we fit into the stars above us, and not merely where we stand on the dirt beneath our feet.
Unless we find that centre-our own personal private unpackaged and unrecycled centre-then everything else is just...everything else...

6/8/2007 4:13:51 AM

For the benefit of the muppets amongst you: Not all of what I write is to be taken seriously.
You don't get out much, do you?

6/8/2007 12:38:20 AM

Farewell to The Dungeon, Durham's bdsm venue
Nice place, nice people.
Closed due to lack of support. How sad.
I feel guilty about missing the last couple of sessions now.
Ho hum....

6/6/2007 7:43:24 AM

After a long struggle I have finally given in to mental illness.
If any further communication is required, please see my hedgehog

6/6/2007 1:01:12 AM

After careful testing everyone on here failed the "Which" magazine reliability guide to chocolate teapots.
Including me, I guess

6/6/2007 12:52:56 AM

Typical sub Wimmin's Profile:
First of all, I have dyslexia, so don't take the isps out of me for any spelling problems.
First of all I AM NOT A DOORMAT.
I wont respond to one liners, people who capitalise their names, people who don't capitalise their names, people with beards, people without beards, bald men, ginger men or in fact any men at all.
You're all BASTARDS.
I am looking for the one true dominant who would be everything to me and live with me as a 24/7. I am not interested in casual relationships, so unless you're willing to committ to me 100% and live with me and raise my babies then it's just not happening. What do you take me for you BEAST!
I don't do webcam or msn and you can't have my phone number or geographical location as there are some weird people out there.
I have just recovered from a head transplant so I'm a bit poorly. Thankyou for all the messages of support and offers of rope and cyanide tablets from other depressives.
I am now NOT LOOKING as I have found a wonderful Master is Lord Fnarggg.
He lives in a cave in Iceland but we're hoping to be together in r/l soon.
I would like to end with a poem that sums up what bdsm means to me:
"Bees make honey,
 isn't it funny,
 whilst i am so sad and blue........(ctd.)"

6/6/2007 12:43:11 AM

Typical Dom male's profile:
I have my own dungeon which I can get to quite easily after I put the Maserati on the drive.
I haven't put a photograph on here as I am employed as a spy.
I don't do webcam, msn or telephone calls, but I can tell you that I live in a posh house with walls and floors and everything.
I am The Master of a household of the following slaves :sister spermatic, wendy weedrinker, pamela pussylover, sexyschoolgirl and Mrs. Hodgkin'sfromnumber27.and I would like to watch you do lesbian-type things to them involving salad vegetables and baby oil.
Get in touch, and we'll have a nice chat after you bow down before me, bitch.



6/4/2007 11:50:56 AM

I sent a nice message to someone who was looking for "Oldies"
My reply was attached to a pic of the well-known Oldie Superstud Sir Jimmy Saville
The next reply came back:
"but you already have a sub".....

Has he? Well I never-
How's about that then, guys and gals?

I now have a standard form reply in order to waste the time of timewasters
When they message me asking what my message meant I reply:

"When I said what I said, I wasn't referring to the thing I mentioned before-I was referring to the other thing-you know-the thing you said you didn't want to talk about until afterwards"

Feel free to use this whenever you engage with the Timewasting fraternity.
But please tell them I said it (or didn't say it-at least not in that way...)

6/4/2007 5:28:00 AM

When the game is over Colonel Mustard goes to sleep in the library with the lead piping.
But is he just asleep...?

6/4/2007 5:19:51 AM

Hey look guys!
I walk about and do stuff.
Try it.

6/4/2007 5:17:22 AM

No, I haven't lost the plot.
I just don't choose to be a character in yours.

6/4/2007 5:08:26 AM
By the end of today I will have completed and uploaded my new website and attended my first secret meeting of the Very Secret Society Of Terrible Justice.
We're all mutants. I get to wear spandex, and I'm played by Patrick Stewart.
If anyone would like to get in touch and play "talk to the hand" games with me-may I suggest you try chasing cars/making daisy chains/having a wank instead.
I'm too sexy for my life.

6/4/2007 12:45:06 AM

Ooooooooooh
Aren't there a lot of poorly people on here telling us about their operations?
I'm coming over all queer

6/3/2007 4:20:06 PM

Odd how you can put the dampers on somone's enthusiasm by the simple act of asking for their mobile number.....

6/3/2007 12:14:12 PM

The fashion seems to be to put some random quote in here for people to interpret as they wish. Usually makes 'em paranoid
Here's mine, then:
"If you do not change the direction in which you are going, you will end up where you are headed."
Actually it's not by me, I think its by some Chinaman, but I'm sure he was thinking of YOU when he wrote it. Twat.

6/2/2007 2:43:25 AM


A Poem
Written in the style of one of the many submissive laydee poetessesessess:

I shall write these few words
so that someone might think
"she has meaning"
or another might think
"What profundity is this?"
Soft!
A murmur merries hence along the darkened streets,
Wet with watery wetness
Soft!
Rain makes fools of us all,
Making us surf along the city streets
Hungry for love and pizza
We strive to find a soul to share
And a pizza to share as well (as long as you don't take the bits with all the pepperoni-
and not a stuffed crust pizza as they're a bit too greasy)
Soft!
Do I see a stranger in the shadowy shadows?
Is it a strange handsome gorgeous man with evil intent?
Does he intend to torture and abuse me horribly and without mercy?
No, its just Mr Wilkinson from the OAP home, caught short and relieving himself in Woolworth's doorway. Again.
So I return home, pull my collar up against the cold night's breathey breath
I return home and climb under the duvet and rummage to find my husband's willy
Soft!
As usual
 

6/1/2007 4:41:52 PM

I have compiled the following form reply:

Thankyou for contacting My slave and Myself with details of your 18 year old nymphomaniac bisexual dog-loving sub, your gothic castle in Hackney and your household of Gorean juggling goldfish.
We will get back to you as soon as we have worked through the list of other wannabe tyre-kicking muppets, but we regret to inform you that it's a very long list.

5/31/2007 1:37:54 PM

Poems:
Oh, and another line occurred to me today
"For every combatant's wound is your wound too-
For every death, life pins the crime on you"

Even I know when the time comes to accept responsibility, even though it's not my fault

5/31/2007 1:34:42 PM

Poems: I'm stuck with finding a poem that contains the line:
"then the Coca-Coal light blinked on,
and when the day came he was gone"

It's about a drowning airman who gets washed up (by a neon sign-obviously...)

any ideas?

5/31/2007 1:30:48 PM

Wany to expand your pain threshold and humiliation?
Try watching daytime TV.

5/31/2007 12:06:18 PM

I didn't realise, sorry.
This is the New Me.
I will be responsive whenever I think anyone is offended by what I do or say.
I shall always try to find a positive and nurturing way to deal with complaints
Does my behaviour and writing really offend you?.
Oh I'm sorry.
Let me try and think of a positive and nurturing way forward.....
May I ask if you've tried fucking off?
I understand it's most effective.

5/31/2007 11:24:47 AM

Everyone wants to beat me up
I think I'll alter my profile to adapt to market forces

5/30/2007 1:16:07 PM

There will always be a special place in My heart for you.
How about the superior vena cava?
That's pretty special

5/29/2007 2:00:03 PM

Women- do you want to find a Dom but can't be arsed with all that painful flogging or carpet burns?
Try Instant Dom!
Any name will do for your Dom-just make one up (something scary is best) he doesn' have to have a profile, as all the best Doms are secret agents.
Or alternatively take up the offer from a Dom in a different continent-then you're collared but you don't have to put up with being slapped around or getting bodily fluids on that nice duvet cover.
If anyone asks how come you live miles away from each other you can say "yes we don't live close, but I'm emigrating to America/Nigeria/Pogopogoland very soon"
After you've done all this you can relax and say:
"Not looking , I've found the perfect Master", then you can just hang around here perving and being a general bloody nuisance.

5/29/2007 1:17:41 PM

Guys- is your conversation as interesting as the list of ingredients on the back of a dried soup packet?
Do you project yourself as if you were a slightly puzzled parrot?
Do you dress as if you spent the last month living in a skip?
Do you have random facial hair that you have cultivated into a wild and horny beard which contains CSI-type evidence of your last week's meals?
Would you still like to have a drop dead gorgeous bird?
It's easy!:
Try Instant Sub
Just scour the internet for pictures of celebrities (Big Brother will do,anyone who watches that crap has the memory of a goldfish, and therefore won't realise where they've seen the face before)-then put that pic on your profile and tell everyone that she's your "property".
If you can find fuzzy pics of African women, all the better-after all nobody thinks they aren't real people-they'll just be dead impressed at what a stud you are.
And you are aren't you?
Just look in that mirror...
Phrowarrrrr!!!!

5/29/2007 12:04:51 PM

Does that not sound Domly?
Should I project the aura of knowing everything?
Oh, ok then
Sorry.
"On your knees, bitch.............."

5/29/2007 12:03:27 PM

How many counsellors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but its really got to want to change

I'm that light bulb

5/29/2007 12:00:27 PM

Yes I make mistakes
I have prejudices and I can be very blinkered
I  have been known to talk out of My arse.
Oh and I need to maintain better eye contact, so if you find some loon staring at you at the vegetable stall, it has nothing to do with the size of that cucumber in your hand.

5/25/2007 12:46:05 PM

Tonight I was asked about the nature of slavery, and what I looked for in the Master/slave relationship.
I find the whole thing very sensual, but I suppose I've not given it much thought-I just knew it felt good.
 Intense
I suppose some of it's the committment thing, -hence the existence of the Slave Register.
But just like marriage, it pays to know whether you really know what you're doing before you commit yourself to that other person.
Otherwise you wake up hungover in Las Vegas in Brad Pitt's bed.
Which strangely enough, is exactly what happened to me last week..........

5/25/2007 12:39:36 PM

How many on the slave register are cyberslaves then?
Come on hands up

5/25/2007 7:40:59 AM

How does one define femininity?
This has taxed the greatest of our poets, but after viewing the profiles today, I think I finally have the answer:
"....She is 6ft3 38 e boobs and 10 inches. Very fem."
 Yes, but can she cook?

5/25/2007 6:32:23 AM

If I see one more profile that says "I don't bite" I'll personally ensure the accuracy of this statement by removing all of your teeth with rusty pliers.

5/25/2007 6:25:34 AM

As I have some level of seniority may I make the following observations about knife play.
Don't try it when a woman has PMT (pre menstrual tension) MT (menstrual tension) or PMT(b) (post mentrual tension).
Or when a woman just has T (tension)
Neither try it when a woman is going through the menopause.
Also avoid knife play if she's upset because she just missed her bus or that she spilled ketchup down her shirt or her parrot has a hernia
But keep those knives handy.
They're very useful for slitting your own wrists.

5/25/2007 6:18:43 AM

I was asked very nicely to change the colour of my page as it was difficult to read
This I have now done
Don't anyone else piss me off or I'll change it to flourescent yellow on orange

5/25/2007 1:28:22 AM

In my face I have:
eyes (1 pair)
mouth (one)
I currently have no requirement to have you in my face, but I will keep your details on file.

5/25/2007 1:23:13 AM

If you don't like reading this, then why not try reading something else?

5/23/2007 1:41:34 PM

An eye burns into me from the summit of a genuine specially selected goosedown Ikea pillow
(It has a Scandinavian name I cannot pronounce
but sounds a little rude)
The eye looks at me
Wondering
A little scared
It is the eye of a stranger and lover and friend
I have hurt her so many times

But only once like this


5/22/2007 11:39:28 PM

You may ask;
"Are you making fun of someone in your journal"
Indeed I am.
Mostly I'm making fun of me.


5/22/2007 11:36:30 PM

Mud sticks.
But I prefer to throw sulphuric acid

5/22/2007 11:34:41 PM

Without you...I am like a Reliant Robin with only three wheels

5/22/2007 11:14:33 PM

Reduce me to cinders?
I am a carbon-based life form.
I love cinders, Me.

5/22/2007 11:10:57 PM

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Smite flat the thick rotundity o' the world!
Crack nature's moulds, and germens spill at once,
That make ingrateful man!

King Lear

Voices off-
*Sir B'stard blows raspberry at world, and moons mightily*

5/22/2007 10:55:11 PM

Life and Death

I walked through a churchyard yesterday-some of the residents died younger than I am now.
Seize the day for there might not be a tomorrow

"I've been dead once already; it's very liberating. You might think of it as... therapy." "
The Joker, Batman (1989)

5/22/2007 10:47:55 PM

Big Ears has been kidnapped!
Noddy cannot hear what those naughty little Elves are planning because Noddy hasn't got Big Ears anymore.
Noddy isn't all that worried because he's now moved in with Big Penis, and they're having lots of fun working their way through the ransom money, eating chocolates and candy and smoking lots of skunk.
Next week: To intercept the kidnapper's calls, Mr. Plod taps Noddy's phone after buying some bugs and learning all about buggery.


5/22/2007 10:34:24 PM

...little baby steps
are we back at the rabbit hole?

5/22/2007 11:47:06 AM

The real tragedies in life are those times when what is meant to be unravels and spools away from you, with you left clutching at the merrily-flapping loose ends- and of you staring at this mad catherine wheel of activity with a stupid, helpless "who-shat-in-my-socks?" look on your face.

5/20/2007 10:49:07 PM


Today....
I'm going to sit here.
Just that.
I shall sit here like Lord Buddha and people will rub my tummy for luck.
I shall pontificate on this and on that.
Judge and condemn (as usual)
Talk about the best colour rope to use and the nicest knots.
About my family of slaves (and always get the capitalisation right)
I shall see the error in the ways of others, but by not exposing myself to the process of direct human interaction, I shall be free from the risk of any such faults
I shall see the mistakes of others through a crystal lens of mythic clarity.
But this lens shall not be a mirror.
I shall sit here and not run too many risks.
I shall watch the world go by.
I shall keep all my kisses locked within my lips and my heart shall not be like lead again.



5/20/2007 10:38:34 PM
...and as they both sink beneath the waves, the frog cries out,
 "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion? For now we both will drown!"
Scorpion replies: "I can't help it. It's in my nature!"

5/20/2007 10:24:52 PM

awaiting another photo approval

5/20/2007 9:41:47 PM

I've been around the block on this one.
I wrote it all down but then though
No:
Public displays of grief are not pleasing when someone else does it-why should they be pleasing when I do?
So for those of you who knew what I now know:
Knowledge can be a great weight, I hope it did not cause you too much discomfort
It's been a bad week but it will get better.
But not today.



5/18/2007 4:39:58 AM

Ever spent ten minutes with Photoshop trying to erase a stubborn flaw on an image only to find its a coffee stain on the monitor screen?

5/18/2007 12:58:52 AM

Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
Female street stranger: Yeah.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
Female street stranger: Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
Male street stranger: And I'm exactly the same way.
Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something?


Annie Hall

5/18/2007 12:27:45 AM

"Here's a night pities neither wise man nor fool".

5/17/2007 1:43:13 PM


Quote of the day
"Unknown will never accept the destructing of a self through the pain of another.....Yes you were HE and will continue to be  I am aware of this as are you..."


You know sometimes
When I've had a bad day
(and these days they're pretty bad)
I read these blogs and think
Well...
it could be worse
I might be them

5/17/2007 1:03:17 PM

I am proud to announce that today I have asked every female on this site to accept my collar and they all said "Yes, please, Sir B'stard" (this includes the lesbians, who I cured after they all had one look at my enormous penis)
So the rest of you pathetic Doms might as well go home.
So there.

5/17/2007 4:07:44 AM

Cole Sear
: I see stupid people.
Malcolm Crowe: In your dreams?
[Cole shakes his head no]
Malcolm Crowe: While you're awake?
[Cole nods]
Malcolm Crowe: stupid people like, in Tescos? In MacDonalds?
Cole Sear: Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're stupid.
Malcolm Crow: How often do you see them?
Cole Sear: All the time. They're everywhere.


5/17/2007 3:42:31 AM

Are you having difficulty understanding what I write?
I have an explanation:
You remember the last time you picked your nose?
You may be under the false impression that what you removed was just mucus....?


5/17/2007 3:37:47 AM

I would like to speak languages, but have never felt the need to learn Bollocks


5/17/2007 1:13:41 AM

I am NOT a George Foreman Health Grill.

5/15/2007 12:49:19 AM

Quote of the Day:
"i am ready to obey my master and will also suck his white spunges "

5/15/2007 12:44:52 AM

"June 8th. My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain. Then suddenly, there is a change."
Travis Bickle, "Taxi Driver"

5/13/2007 12:26:30 PM

There comes a time when life throws one too many catastrophes at you, that you wonder if its all worthwhile.
It is.
The sun will still rise tomorrow.
Dawn will come.
Then those guys will the rifles and the blindfolds...........

5/12/2007 2:15:22 PM
Quote of the day:

"I am immensly shy but will respond to all messages.

Sorry but I don't really want to find a man here so thanks for viewing me but I won't respond."

5/12/2007 2:05:07 PM

yes it really is my picture...after I spent an hour with the original
Guess I have not better to doroflmfao

5/10/2007 1:30:21 AM

Unlikely to be accurate spelling of the day:

"....So if you wish
 to be in my pressance" 

5/9/2007 5:08:39 AM

"i am a dominant princess looking for online cash slaves to obey and worship me only message me if you are intrested and must have paypal"

translated as:
"I'm a hairy-assed fat geezer looking for a few mugs. Are you a mug? If you are send me some money so you can have a wank thinking this picture on here is me."


5/9/2007 2:37:58 AM

Knowledge, wisdom and passion are things found rarely in another human being.
How much rarer then, to find them in a gnu?

"A whole gnu world
A dazzling place I never gnu
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole gnu world with you
Now I'm in a whole gnu world with you"




5/9/2007 2:13:16 AM

"Never give up, never surrender!"
Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart, Galaxy Quest


"Maybe I should put some pants on."
Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart, Galaxy Quest

5/9/2007 2:09:25 AM

"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' "

Rudyard Kipling: "If"

5/7/2007 2:20:02 AM

Why don't they introduce a "hide everyone" button?

5/6/2007 9:27:19 AM

Aha!
Photo approval
Let me just point out that this pic was taken when we were trimming angelkiss's bush, and therefore we may not look as gorgeous as usual...

5/5/2007 11:52:45 AM

If anyone wants a picture before the collarme Gods get their fingers out and approve (or not.....)  My new one, just ask, ok?
I'm sure I would stand a much better chance of approval if I was wearing a white bra and claimed to be a lesbian schoolgirl.
In fact I AM a lesbian schoolgirl.
Honest.

5/5/2007 11:49:28 AM

Question of the Day
Do you really want a ride-or are you just kicking tyres?

5/5/2007 11:21:55 AM

"As long as I can stand in the open air and breathe cherry blossom in the rain I am still free"
Alexander Solzhenitsyn

5/5/2007 10:59:03 AM

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them and Informed Consent members argue about the wallpaper. .

5/5/2007 6:38:39 AM

New photo awaiting approval.
Please be patient these things take time.
There's a tough vetting process on here y'know

5/4/2007 4:51:50 PM

To be honest, most of you are a bit BORING really....

5/4/2007 1:03:33 AM

Oh and I had a photo refused.
Granted I was wearing a wolf mask, running through a graveyard and carrying two large knives , but really you guys-at least it was ME......unlike a lot of nineteenyearoldlesbianpainslut photos on here.
and frankly most of the genuine members would be better off if they were wearing masks.

5/4/2007 12:57:08 AM

My life is frequently a bit of a chaotic disaster.
Most is uncertain and blowing in the wind. Security blanket there is none.
And yet.
as the Norsemen used to say:
"People who run from battle think that they will be given quarter. But old age gives no quarter, even if swords and axes do"

Carpe diem.

5/4/2007 12:51:38 AM

Two nice messages this morning from people of good taste appreciating my modest attempts at wit.
I like all feedback, whether it is positive from persons of good taste and judgement, or negative, from cave dwelling sibling-shagging troglodytes.

5/3/2007 9:04:42 AM

Do I know shibari?
I'm a frayed knot.

5/3/2007 9:02:46 AM

Do all shibaris have four wheel drive?

5/2/2007 7:20:06 AM

Lesson 34
Here's an example of what NOT to write in your Scary Dom profile:
"The longest journey begins with a single step.If I have said hello,its because its how a conversation begins, that conversation may last a lifetime,but dont expect the story of My life in a hello."


5/2/2007 7:11:17 AM

How about that.
ass*holes is banned but not arseholes.
I am proud to be British (again)

5/2/2007 7:09:48 AM

Having just checked the other male perverts on here, I feel suitably relaxed that everyone  is a stupid ugly dickless witless arsholes apart from me.

Then again if it wasn't for the stupid ugly dickless witless arseholes, where would everyone get their husbands from?

5/2/2007 4:24:15 AM


Are you hot and horny?
I had a goat like that and it died.
I would call into the vets ugently if I was you.


5/1/2007 9:52:10 AM

I have been stood up by my latest "date"
 The rude person in question is from Greenland and has a profile which reads:
"am mary from uk i all okay for dateing man "
She tried and she tried to get me onto yahoo so we could "chat" and so that I could give her my visa details so she could get a flight over here to plight her troth (I think thats something dirty)
I made a counter-offer and told her that I was was waiting outside Weatherspoons with my best woolly hat on, and why wasn't she there.
She replied :
"can u come so that wil can chat about the love ?"
Which I think is a bit inadequate.
Are they all the heartless in Greenland?

4/30/2007 8:18:19 AM

"The Satanic Sluts from Hell!" are Coming
(frequently)


4/29/2007 10:12:16 AM

Oooh guess what!
you can send b*reed in a message but can't write b*reed in your journal
I know this as I just got a message from a German b*reeder

4/29/2007 8:30:11 AM

Any estimates as to how many bogus scamming crackpot fantasists we have on here now?
60%? 70%? 80%?More?

4/27/2007 12:54:25 AM

I'm wasted here.
If anyone knows where I wouldn't be wasted, raise your hand now.

4/27/2007 12:53:38 AM

I greatly enjoy misanthropy, and her mother, Mrsanthropy.

4/27/2007 12:42:04 AM

With my large opera hat and flowing cloak I cut a romantic figure.
With a scalpel.
(not sure why I posted that.
Most people on here wouldn't understand the phrase "cut a romantic figure"
Or indeed, the phrase "the cat sat on the mat"
Where did the cat sit?
Why was it sitting there?
What sort of mat was it?
Is that cat me?

4/26/2007 9:07:55 AM

I am an owned and happy master.
I'm only here to look at the curtains.

4/26/2007 8:43:43 AM

Look guys.
The last entries were not meant to be taken seriously ok?
they were meant to show how ambigious entries make everyone feel paranoid.
I don't hate you!
I love you!
All of you!
Well not YOU, obviously....


4/26/2007 8:39:45 AM

I really don't know how you could have done that.
After all we've been through.
After all this time
How could you?
Why did you?
When did you do it?
and with whom did you do it?
and how often?
and do you have any pictures?

4/26/2007 8:33:19 AM

People who live in glass houses should live somewhere with a bit more privacy, I think. Unless they have nowhere else to live and they've exhausted all other options.
Then, I suppose, its ok.
For a bit.But I would talk to the council and get your name of the waiting list.

4/26/2007 8:23:50 AM

You think you're funny?
No you're not honey
You're just sad and blue
Like my shoe, filled with glue
I put my foot on the ground
My shoe sticks around
My shoe has no sole
Just like you. And no goal
As its simple shoes for foots
and it isn't a pair of football boots

4/26/2007 8:19:32 AM

Sticks and stones may break my bones
Cruel words can break your heart
Are you tasty? I think you're pastry
A big and ugly raspberry jam tart

4/26/2007 8:16:05 AM

Some people should be ashamed of themselves, but they have no sense of shame, or sense of self.
And yes, I do mean you.

4/26/2007 7:41:46 AM

People shouldn't live in greenhouses.
Tomatoes should live in greenhouses.

4/25/2007 9:06:38 AM

Now there's a thought.....
Do you know, the word "gullible" doesn't actually exist.
Have a look in a dictionary.
You'll see that I'm right.

4/25/2007 3:43:14 AM

Hello my name is Mubumba Mumbumba. I am the son of the ex president of the Republic of Omigoolie's hairdresser.
My father was tragically killed in a ostritch racing accident and has left the sum or 27,000,000 dollars in grants which we fleeced from you honkeys.
It may seems strange for me to contact you as we don't know each other, but I hear that you are a very trustworthy person (God bless your family and their fish)
I would like to send you 27,000,000 dollars which you can keep 10.768 % of, for acting as my agent.
If you agree to this arrangement (God be praised) just reply to this message, enclosing the paltry sum of £132,000 to cover bank charges and my aunties funeral expenses.
Thankyou your Lorrdship
Praise God and I hope your family have not died horribly this morning.

4/24/2007 7:26:02 AM

I am your worst nightmare, you SCUM.
I am the scariest Domme in existence.
All the others are JUST wimps.
Here I stand, SEVEN feet tall and 320lbs of rippling flesh, proudly in My NINE-inch heeled pvc boots
I DON'T DO webcam sessions
I DO NOT telephone
I DO NOT want to MEET you
you are far too MISERABLE for Me to waste My time on, you puny-dicked WEED
What Do I do?, you may ASK
(well-go on then....)
.. I SHOUT a lot for a start
and I am VERY frightening!
How frightening am I?
I am VERY frightening!!!!
How scared should you be?
A LOT!!!!
You should be scared QUITE A BIT IN FACT!!!
Even MORE scared than you are when you get one of those letters from the library that say you have some books OVERDUE!!!!
So pick up your wallets and your cheque books and send Me lots of your useless money* so that I may PISS on it and make My slaves EAT it.
Best Wishes,
Madam Zsa Zsa
(*I also accept PayPal)

4/23/2007 1:23:16 PM

Nugget of wisdom in a profile of the day:
"my advise also goes to Master that seeking for a slave to watch out before considering a slave because their are some slaves that not serious and full of lies.May God bless you all and makes each dream comes true."
I have rarely heard this sentiment said more clearly.
Or indeed, er... at all

4/23/2007 1:12:18 PM

Ladies! Do you want to look both attractive and scary at the same time?
Do you want to be a total rebel and advertise your individuality?
Try sticking random bits of metalwork in your face. It's magic!


4/19/2007 9:56:07 AM

I mean "perverts"

4/19/2007 9:55:35 AM

You're just a bunch of PREVERTS!!!!

4/18/2007 7:11:03 AM

Who needs "Second Life" when you've got COLLARME.COM?

4/17/2007 7:37:37 AM

Me and My slaves; thelmabigtits, ilovedogs and eighteenyearoldlesbianschoolgirlpooeater are doing very well, but they are looking for a new female slave to join them.
You will have to be dead dirty, like and look really fit. And if you wear a leather suite so much the better.
I'm just off to move the bikes out of the garage so you'll have somewhere to stay. You'll have to be dead quiet though or my wife will find out you're there and kill me.

4/17/2007 5:36:22 AM

"No matter how well you have your life in order and all of your ducks in a row. Sooner or later something is going to come along, take you out at the knees and knock you flat on your ass.
Unless you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say,"NEXT!" ... You might as well stay down."

4/16/2007 1:06:15 AM

Live and let live I say.
Apart from the ones you have to kill, obviously.

4/16/2007 1:01:27 AM

I have a cute slave and she is a hunni.
But as this is CollarMe I'll still let you send Me lots of money

My slave's very real, and that's not debatable
she's deflated today, but I think that she's inflatable

I'm a busty lezzie Domme, don't want replies from NO MEN
I sit scratching my balls...(no I haven't got them!)

I'm a sexy millionaire and I own My own bank
I have sex all the time (I'm just off for a wank) 





4/12/2007 4:43:53 AM

If you have the face of a stunned mullet, haven't washed in a week, think make-up is not for you, and have hair that has been smothered in chip fat and fag ash, do you still qualify as a BBW?

4/12/2007 4:30:16 AM

I am now accepting tributes.
Has anyone got a packet of 1973 vintage Olde English Spangles?

4/12/2007 2:13:27 AM

B'stards Law:
There are no fake ads with the owners over 40.
There are no genuine ads with the owner's under 30.
(Except Mine.
I'm 25.)

4/12/2007 2:10:06 AM

Heres an idea:
Employ a four-month old Orang-Utan to vet these profiles.
If she raises her eyebrows, then it's probably bogus.

4/11/2007 1:46:56 PM

Why do all these fake mistresses have "chambers"
Is it coz they are solicitors in the daytime
or are they just chamber-potty
oops
sorry

4/10/2007 1:36:19 PM

I must be really gorgeous
Nearly all the people viewing My profile are male Dominants, and quite a few of those are gay.
I think I'll run a course in How to be a Master as I've such a fan club.
I've tried everything else.

4/10/2007 8:27:08 AM

You know, considering the lack of real wit, style, genuineness and elan out there, I am now starting to fancy myself.
I think I shall send me a message and find out when I'm free.

4/9/2007 4:38:32 PM
The Doms dilemma
submissive's just love an assertive Dom, don't they?....someone Masterful who gives orders and expects them obeyed instantly.
Once I had a sub say to me:
"Don't give me a choice. I'll just let you down"
So I told her to do something that she didn't want to do (even though she said it was what she was into), she freaked out and I never saw here again.
I think she vanished from the Wonderful World of bdsm and was last seen running into a convent.
Someone else said to me-
"I'm really into the idea of X,Y and Z for a scene."
So I said
well...
"I can do that for you..or if not I can outsource the llama..."
She was also last spotted running into a convent (see above)
The moral of the story?
Most subs love a dominant Dominant.

Until He is.






4/7/2007 3:26:10 AM

I'm away for a couple of days.
Any urgent messages, please contact My slave.

4/7/2007 12:48:38 AM

It's the weekend and all those middle-aged blokes are taking advantage of the fact that the little (scary) woman has gone off to the hairdressers.
Well that's what she's telling you-she's really off shagging your best friend as he's got a penis that works
So while she's out, you tune in to see who has responded to your alter-ego's profile-the skinny lesbian 23 year-old Dominatrix.
Oooh you've got loads of responses from skinny lesbian 23 year-old submissives.
But they're all really middle-aged men, too.

4/6/2007 5:48:05 AM

How come there aren't any fake profiles of fat 55 year old women who like sewing?

4/6/2007 1:21:35 AM

Why is it that most people who read my profile seem to be male dominants living in California?

4/4/2007 10:46:04 AM

If you'd like to talk to Me, don't start by calling Me "little one" - ok?

4/3/2007 1:28:38 AM

my name is sexysally, I'm a nympho and that's true.
I love horses, watersports, extreme pain and sniffing glue
I've a Master what tells me everything, when to eat and where to play
He's so stern and oh so gorgeous (but ten thousand miles away)
we've never met, yes I know that's right, but both his eyes are very stern
At least i think its his eyes,or are they the eye's of his convict cousin Vern?
I cannot really make it out, the pics a little blurry
He looks a bit like Russel Crowe (I look just like Liz Hurley)
I'm a pervert kinky slut and I've done things that make me wonder
I've been tied to lamposts , flogged to shreds,had my knickers torn asunder
I got raped by 12 Hells Angel's, nearly took away my life
Then I called it off before they'd done, as one -he had a wife!
A girl must have some standards, though she's a shocking naughty whore
I won't shag one who's married (that would be against the law) 
I'm the queen of all the chatrooms, I bow and curtsey proper
And I made some plastic knickers from those bags from "Happy Shopper"
Yes,there's not a thing I wouldn't do, not a thing I wouldn't dare
As long as I don't have to get my fat arse off this very comfy chair.

4/1/2007 1:25:58 PM

Progress Report
Apart from Goreans, "dog lovers" and TV's (sorry to lump them all together, its not meant that way) I'd really like to talk to someone (for the book) who makes up a profile as a female and gets off on his responses.
There's loads of them, surely one will come forward?

4/1/2007 3:52:44 AM

I am a struggling writer.
Why am I
struggling?
My dear chap, I feel it's so important for a writer to empathise with his readers, and absolutely everyone struggles to read what I write.
Perfect empathy.
Every time.

3/29/2007 12:38:33 AM

Hello there.
B'stard's the name, and here's a little bit about me:
I like going out and staying in.
I'm dead hard and unconventional and everything. I have constructed my own dungeon which I keep in the fridge.
I'm very married and  looking for my one true little one, however I'm NOT looking for someone who is married or attached or has children, rabbits, goldfish or lice.

I just joined this site to go in the chatrooms and scare people in Nebraska, so don't message me or send me your soiled underwear.

Here is a poem.
To me it sums up what life is about:

"Stillness
whoosh
the stillness
is broken
by a sudden whoosh
is broken
never to be repaired
moonlight comes
whoosh
moonlight comes on the wings of fairies
their wings whoosh
breaking the stillness
and there she is
in the moonlight
on  bended knees
with heaving bassoon
and hair and everything
whoosh
she looks up at me and her words escape
from her golden beard
which glistens in the light of the silvery moon
whoosh
her bassoon heaves heavily
"Master"
she says (looking at me)
"Master.
I am undone"
and she is
coz her bassoons fall out
whoosh".

THE END



3/28/2007 12:42:01 PM

Firm but fair?
why, no...
Not at all
I have been known to be firm, however...but fair?
I think "fairness" is for wimps, and vastly overrated.
Don't you?

3/28/2007 1:35:43 AM


Cynical?
moi?


3/28/2007 1:33:03 AM

Oh, and if you want to look clever on your pics?
Try not having your mouth hanging open like you've lost control of your facial muscles.
And if youre a bloke over 50, wearing a baseball cap doesn't make you look any younger.
And if you're wearing a baseball cap, over 50 and your mouth's hanging open on your pic?
Well I might just turn gay to try you out  as you're so fucking gorgeous!!!!
Where's the vaseline?

3/28/2007 1:24:49 AM

Totally lacking in imagination, wit and the ability to conjugate verbs?
Got some really BAD pics with you pretending to be exotic by wearing a pound shop scarf over your head ?
Are you a scary Dom who can't invite your victims home as your mum mightn't like it?
Have you found your one true love.... who lives 23,000 miles away?
Welcome to Collarme
You'll fit in nicely

3/28/2007 12:52:07 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!
any Goreans who really do stuff out there?
I mean not just online?
And not with Masters in a different continent?
If you're out there please drop me a line.

3/25/2007 7:58:42 AM

STOP PRESS:
Sitting there, furiously  whipping yourself with a USB lead whilst imagining you're being fucked up the shitter by Johnny Depp does not constitute having a sex life.

3/24/2007 9:59:05 AM

Just back from the first session of a government sponsored course in the criminal justice sector.
The question arose:
"Can corporal punishment improve behaviour?".
I decided not to give them the benefit of my experience.....


3/22/2007 1:41:38 AM

I am shocked to discover that I have been criticised, yet again, for bed smelling.
Yet again, mischeeseus peeple who have notthing better to do than to watch for my for every punchuation error.
In vein.
My smelling is of the high standrad-as we expect from this site.
Generally I do knot make misstakes.
If I do I am the furst to addmit it.
As a matter of fact, I have a first class honors degree in Iglish (Botswana University 1924).
So those peeple whoo just sitt their on their be hinds and tick me off can just moove on. I've had enough.
Besides I have dylexias, and youre comitting  a fence by being prejuditched.

3/20/2007 5:08:17 AM

What is it that we all need?
What spiritual quest are we on?
Are we looking for fulfillment, enlightenment-The Way to self-actualisation?
Perhaps it is merely a quest to find happiness?
Is it to look over the box of oatyspongiesnaps in the morning, stare deeply into the eyes of your beloved  and say:
"you twat , you had the last one"
Who knows?

In the end, perhaps it comes down to these simple questions:
Where are we going?
Who are we going with?
When we get there, do they do a nice cappuccino?


3/17/2007 5:34:18 PM

How tired am I?
I wrote "hers" as "her's"
that's how tired

3/17/2007 3:44:29 PM

This site is like a bear riding a bicycle
The weirdest thing isn't that it is done badly-the weirdest thing is that it's done at all.

3/17/2007 3:41:42 PM

Nutter of the week goes to this profile I just spotted that is written in a black font on a black background.
Oh and she likes dogs......

3/17/2007 3:36:40 PM

There's a "kinky girl" on here who put "her" pic on her profile last week.
I wrote to her and told "him/her" that it would be more convincing if she took the porn star's name off the pic that she'd blagged before she submitted it as her's.
She now has and has resubmitted the pic. without the caption.
Who says I'm not able to give constructive crtiticism?
Hello admin..........anyone there?????
This person might just, possibly, not be.... genuine....

3/17/2007 6:35:59 AM

Well, I've reported spammers from Ghana and bogus profiles that refer heavily to incest and bestiaity.
Genuine profiles referring to bestiality I don't mind. So long as the dog/horse/llama gave its consent.
In writing.
Guess what.
All the profiles that refer to "illegal activities" or spam are still here.
Weeks later.....
Now if they were to say their dog, Spot had good b-reed-ing..... they'd be stuffed pronto...but not by Spot...obviously....yuk.
Are you guys sure you don't need any help vetting these profiles....?

3/16/2007 2:56:04 AM
ffs.

3/15/2007 3:10:03 AM

My apologies for not keeping my journal up to date, but I have been battling to save the planet.
I lost.

3/10/2007 6:25:41 AM

The Institute For Random Canadian Dyslexics
or "FCDIZR" for short has asked me to be more tolerant of bad spellers.
Me?
Intolerant?
tuts

3/10/2007 5:33:20 AM


Would the owner of the (size 16, polka dot, "used") knickers which were discovered tied to my Citroen aerial  this morning care to reclaim them?
I prefer roses, chocolates or Harley Davidsons.


3/10/2007 4:36:49 AM
The "Stay Behind After School For A Good Spanking " Award for the Most Illiterate Profile" of the week" goes to....
 "...iv done this only for a year and half,with clubs of cause!never been in to BDSM any wear else,so you can see im new to this. but im a bit of a deveil.  "
conratulayshons and wel dun.


3/8/2007 4:08:27 PM

"Tattooed Jail Slut, requires cruel Warden/Guard to keep her prisoner. Long to be uniformed and chained at your mercy.
Waiting for your nightstick!"

oh please....

3/8/2007 7:58:11 AM

Can anyone tell me what the hell is wrong with the word "b-r-e-e-d"?
I was quoting Sheldon Kopp for God's sake. Get a grip.

3/8/2007 7:57:31 AM

1. This is it.
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can’t get there from here, and besides there is no place to go.
4. We are already dying, and we’ll be dead a long time.
5. Nothing lasts!
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can’t have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just.Being good often does not pay off and there’s no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have the responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It’s a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You really don’t control anything.
14. You can’t make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men.
18. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends. (yes, you too, and most certainly myself.)
20. All evil is potentially vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions b-r-e-e-d new problems.
24. Yet it is necessary to keep struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of-yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things each man must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that’s all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run, but you can’t hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies is in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
42. What do you know… for sure…anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again.

"If You Meet The Buddha on the Road, Kill Him"
Sheldon Kopp

3/8/2007 6:41:32 AM

The posh person has been beaten to second place by this gem, which includes in the profile the following description:

"I have a e european caucasion nose,light dusting of freckles and kind of cupids bow lips. I'm rather petit..... my waste is 24''

Any guesses  what language this is written in?
I guess its hard to type one-handed.


3/8/2007 3:54:02 AM

Just got this in from a wife who is a bit posh, after he refused My generous offer of having his alter ego eat grapes from my slave's genitalia:

"Sorry, but having read your profile 9and being published myself) I think it is both ludicrously overwritten and possesses all the pretentiousness of that side of BDSM which is anathama to me."

True, all true. But what a pity he can't spell "anathema", though...

3/8/2007 12:37:05 AM

Nothing to see here.
Move along please.

3/7/2007 8:22:28 AM

I'll make a new profile:
"whippingboy"
Just give me a kick if your day's been shit, and if I try and make someone smile, well- kick me for that too.
mmmmm I could get to like this.

3/7/2007 3:30:50 AM

If you want to be wooed
Why then, don't be so rude
But still show us your bits
All naked and nooed.

anon

3/7/2007 1:06:00 AM

Why don't alll the "naughty subs" just try behaving themselves for once.
You wouldn't see this sort of thing in my day.....

3/7/2007 1:03:38 AM

Yes mother, I AM avoiding work again...

3/7/2007 1:03:01 AM

Many people have asked what brought me to this lifestyle.
It was the number 53 bus.

3/7/2007 1:00:53 AM
I am not a Persian carpet I am a psychopath.

3/7/2007 12:59:42 AM

Why do subs often write:
"I am not a doormat i am a person"
I never feel the need to write:
"I am not a Persian carpet I am a psychopath"?

3/7/2007 12:53:30 AM

Saying of the Day:
"Guns don't kill People. I kill People"

3/7/2007 12:50:44 AM

Thought For The Day:
If you love somebody let them go.
Then, if they don't come back, take a pack of wolfhounds and hunt them down, corner them in an isolated field and chop the by-now thoroughly humiliated sobbing wreck into little pieces with a chainsaw and a machete.
Keep their head in your fridge with all the others, and each morning, when you reach for the milk you get you wag your finger at them and say:
"That'll teach you won't it?"
It works for Me.
Try it.
You'll love it.

3/7/2007 12:39:27 AM

Is it My imagination, or have most people on here been taking too many lessons in Advanced Idiot?

3/7/2007 12:37:11 AM

As usual the staff of Kwik-Save were a little tardy in serving Me, then attempted to do me out of the correct change and then wouldn't accept my commerative World Cup token in part payment for my daily victuals.
A quick "On your kness bitch" and the administration of my withering gaze was sufficient to correct her attitude.
Tomorrow I shall try Waitrose and report My findings.

3/7/2007 12:26:08 AM

I think "Sir" B'stard sounds a bit cross and pompous, so I have decided to change My title.
From now on please address me as:
"Official Emperor and Supreme Tyrant,Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in General and My Shed in Particular"

3/6/2007 1:05:44 PM

I think people who make silly and outrageous claims should be boiled down and turned into laughing stock.
Gravy anyone?

3/6/2007 1:32:08 AM

I have decided to abandon all the complications of the real world and enter cyberspace for good.
I am now, officially, pixellated. As a newt.

3/6/2007 12:55:28 AM

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce My new slave, the jet settling, really famous and everything model, Claudia Shifter.
After a long and cider-fuelled search, Claudia and I have now found each other.
She has accepted My collar and is now to be known as "deadfamousbint".

Although we do live 1,235,785 miles apart, I have now borrowed a ten-speed bicycle and this will make short work of the "distance problem" that some cynics mentioned.
We don't speak the same language,but most importantly we both speak the language of lurrrrrrrrve.
She is all I ever wanted of a slave.
Apart from the fact that so far she never does anything I tell her and she beats me up a bit.
I have a bad back which keep me from climbing stairs,walking, going out, or reaching the top shelves in Asda but deadfamousbint is fit enough for both of us, as anyone who saw us on the telly at the Brit awards would no doubt agree.
We know that this is for real, and any of you who don't think so can just burn in HELL.
Thanks to everyone else for your support, good wishes and thanks to Elton and Naomi for the toaster. It's lovely.

3/4/2007 11:48:40 AM

"He that filches from me my good name, robs me of that which not enriches him, but makes me poor indeed"
Othello, Act iii, Sc.3

3/4/2007 11:46:52 AM

Why is it that those people who keep telling you to "calm down " are the same people who spend their lives winding you up?

3/2/2007 2:00:57 AM

Actually now that I think about it....
Would any of the authors of those "skinny blonde 19 year old lesbian" profiles like to contribute to my book?

3/1/2007 12:57:02 AM

The Thursday Poem
Oh how did I end up on Big Brother?
How did I get in the Big Brother house?
I used to be such a wee timid thing
and as shy as a squeaky church mouse

Oh how did I end up on Big Brother?
With Big Sisters all forming a queue
They're  lined up to tell all the viewers
Exactly what they know I should do

Oh how did I end up on Big Brother?
How did I end up as such sport?
Should I sell advertising? Would it be so surprising
To find "Brooke Bond" printed out on me shorts

Oh How did I end up on Big Brother
with folks making fun of my life
Such intimate inspection of all of my intentions
(yet none of these people's my wife)

How did I end up on Big Brother?
I don't even like this sad show
Skip my next misdemeanor and let's ask Davina
To let you take my place. Time to go.

2/28/2007 12:51:23 AM

I received a heartwarming message in my email this morning.
It read:
"Doo  likee highest Woman dooing admirable bloowjob?"
Thankyou.
You've made my day.

2/26/2007 1:03:57 AM

One was contacted by a "female switch" with no text on her profile, no picture on her profile, and who expressed interest in partying with Myself and My slave.
As soon as I asked for their details and picture they vanished without further word.
These people obviously have difficulty thinking past their present move.
A man sits there and pretends to be female to get his rocks off messaging women-Any idea what to do next when someone asks for some indication they might be genuine?
No.
Not a clue.
They're a bit like those drivers who overtake you, oblivious to the fact thats you're travelling at 30 in a 70 zone because there's a combined harvester 12 metres ahead.
Think ahead.
Other people can cut and paste babe pics from the FHM website-why can't you?

2/20/2007 8:51:53 AM
PUBLIC NOTICE
I am in the process of turning My life around
If you aren't part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
I need to get to the booze department so please stop blocking My aisle with your fat asses.
OK?

2/19/2007 11:47:52 AM

I like wood.
I'm particularly fond of oak and ash, but I find monogamy a particularly tedious sort of wood. Makes a nice wardrobe though.

2/17/2007 2:11:23 PM

I'm told that there are men on here who "try and con women to try and get free sex."
This is deplorable.
I always charge.
Nothing free is worth having.

2/17/2007 2:04:14 PM

"Cindy18 "a lovely teenage thing complete with a cheesecake cheerleader pic, appeared here today with a profile that read:
"Ok, I'm not sure why I have done this or why I'm here."

So naturally I replied:
"Could it be because your wife is out shopping?"

"Cindy18" seems to have subsequently  deactivated "her" profile-as this person is no longer a member of this esteemed site I'm not breaking any rules at all by mentioning
this wanton nymphomaniac

2/16/2007 10:23:37 AM

I need your opinion.
Wait a moment while I give it to you.

2/16/2007 10:21:04 AM

I love it when someone refers to themselves in the third person.
It turns this Boy on something rotten...

2/16/2007 9:40:38 AM

I just read someone's "newbie" profile, but I was wearing the wrong glasses
I thought she said wanted to meet the "right person and see if the spank was there"
It said "spark"...ahem

2/16/2007 8:36:54 AM

Q. What's black and blue and red and black and blue and red and black and blue and red?

A. A deservedly and rightly beaten slave falling down the stairs.

2/16/2007 12:38:43 AM

Advice Column
It isn't a requirement of life that you have to be what others expect you to be, or to be what others say that you are.
Be true to yourself and be what you really are.
Become what you choose to be.
Be not too troubled by what others tell you that you are or what others tell you that you can be.
Listen to advice. 
However bear in mind that it will not all be correct advice.
Some advice will be given by unqualified persons.
Do not accept instructions about how to fly a helicopter from a plumber.
Unless he or she can demonstrate their flying abilities.
Give no excuses for who you are and for who you have chosen to be.
Take responsibility for that choice.
Do not stand in the middle of the road like a stunned chicken and claim that you never intended to be there.You will still be run over. Both tigers and chickens die, so why not be a tiger?
In the course of human events, even spectators perish-so why not participate?
Just like alcohol, fear is a good servant, but a poor Master.
And eat more watercress. It prevents cancer.

2/15/2007 4:15:09 PM

If I don't know you, you're not worth knowing.

2/15/2007 1:29:10 AM

We need more categories!
It shouldn't be ok to have a profile that's from someone who really is looking for your $$ and not you (honest pro Dommes I haven't a problem with)
It shouldn't be ok to have a profile which incites murder (of the English language)...how many dyslexics have we got on here??
It shouldn't be ok to post a profile unless the postee has a life. A life that involves hiding under a rock at the bottom of a pond does not count.
People should try and be more honest. For example,the truth is that:
 I live in My own castle in Transylvania surrounded by gorgeous lesbian vampires between the ages of 18 and 197. Their photos are on My profile. They all resemble Sirdar knitting pattern models and they wear wooly cardigans and bobble hats to combat the effects of daylight. I regularly commute to the uk and usa via personal jet, or on My own wings, which I keep concealed under My cape. I cannot post photos on here as I have a very sensitive and difficult job which is dead secret and clever and everything so there.
See.
Its not really that difficult is it.
And you'll feel so much better for it.

2/14/2007 1:57:02 PM

In truth whoever we are, and however secure we feel.
We are all on trial.
Satan was abroad in this cursed land.
But now he and his demons are no longer abroad.
They have all flown back on Easyjet and are living next to that nice Mrs. Wilson in number 32.
Beware.
The devil rides owt
even Hondas.

2/14/2007 2:55:04 AM

In the spirit of full disclosure I do admit to having another profile on here.
I am also to be found under "dirtybarmaidlesbianschoolgirlsexslaveanimalloverbukkakewhore"(It's the ad that has an old photo of Charlotte Church on it)


2/13/2007 7:29:27 AM

Wishing moo a speedy recovery.
It's not nice to be sick, unless youre also twisted and perverted.

2/9/2007 1:53:32 AM
Anyone contacting Me to speculatively see if my bitch and I would like to play please note the following, which is a response I sent someone today:

"Hi there and ty for the message I'm afraid we never go past point 1. without some sort of pic, otherwise we would be meeting people "sight unseen" and unless you like how someone looks, it doesn't ever proceed to point 2. vanilla pics/holiday snaps are fine-the sort that carry no risk- as you know the proportion of fantasists to reality-ists currently runs at 100:1 (as you can tell we have been around the block on this one quite a few times....) best wishes SirB and bitch"

I don't really give a flying frisbee if the above sounds unfriendly or paranoid. I would expect the same level of caution on your part.

If you don't display this level of caution you shouldn't be out without a note from your parents.


2/8/2007 1:39:38 AM

Remarkable how many Masters with slaves/families of slaves melt away into the distance when you ask to see a pic of them all together.
Here's a tip: instead of random pics of random size 0 airbrushed wimmin, why not send me a random airbrushed pic of your xmas party and pretend thats your "family".
But leave out Auntie Ethel until she gets her new teeth.

2/6/2007 8:35:45 AM
bollocks

2/6/2007 7:31:19 AM

why do I get the feeling that God is real and that she has permanent pmt?

2/1/2007 1:46:41 AM

Another day, another door.
Let's see where this one leads.

1/31/2007 2:40:28 AM

"All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground and miss."
Douglas Adams

1/30/2007 3:13:26 AM

I am changing My name.
From now on I shall be known as Lord_ FirmButTotallyFuckingUnfairYouBastardThatHurt"

1/30/2007 12:19:34 AM

Can I just mention to one of our pupils that "my aim to maybe collar somebody in the future or maybe not. x " is not quite the standard we are looking for at St Bendovers Academy.

1/30/2007 12:12:44 AM

I would like to announce the new timetable for St. Bendover's Academy students:
We have remedial English classes starting on Friday and basic photography on Wednesday.
The remedial English will teach you things like how to spell basic Inglish words so that you don't sound quite so stewpid.
In the photography course the first lesson will cover where to obtain those pictures of kinky models to use on your pretend profile. The second lesson will be how not to use your holiday snaps of your trip to Benidorm, and the third lesson will cover how to get someone else to take the picture, and how not to take a fuzzy webcam one as this shows you really don't have any friends.)
The Creative Profile Writing course went down a storm last year, and we now have a huge crop of very creative profiles indeed. Special mention to: "IamaRealSlavemasterAndNotaPretendOne" for your account of your life as a Gorean Fnargle-riding Lord of the Lnarr. I know that your employers at  B&Q have been very supportive )

1/29/2007 11:03:50 PM

When you learn not to want things too badly, life comes to you

1/29/2007 1:41:12 AM

This isn't a picture of me, its a picture of a hamster I found on the internet.
I have included it as I think its what bdsm means to Me.
The look on the little animal's face just says it all, don't you think?
How spooky and profound.
I feel a poem coming on....

"Though I may walk many and many and many a mile
This little marsupial will always make me smile
With its little scratchy feet and its little odd ways
I lock it in its little ball and watch it as it plays
Oh hammie, My hammie, oh hammie so dear
(I'm having a lie down as I feel a little queer)"

1/29/2007 1:19:56 AM

There are some odd people about, so I've removed most of the pics that show My face (well, My face looks like a camel's arse anyway,to be honest).
If you're very strange and want a pic of my face, let me know and I'll consider sending you one, if you're worthy.

1/23/2007 3:38:19 AM

Dear World,
Thankyou for your kind offer, but I have enough "New Improved Bullshit" for the foreseeable future.
I'll call you as soon as my supplies run low.
Yours,
etcetera etcetera B'stard

1/21/2007 10:00:14 AM

Since I first arrived here I have made quite a few friends
As yet the morgue has failed to notice any of their body parts are missing.

1/19/2007 12:34:42 AM

"I shall miss Earth, it has great potential.":
k-pax

1/18/2007 12:59:00 AM

Remarkable amount of multi-membered "families" on here with iffy sounding profiles.
Reminds Me of the story our local rag did about some bozo "Slave Master" who reputedly took his subjects to Asda on a collar and lead.
He even made it onto national TV.
The odd thing is that he  never turned up with any member of his "harem", just some male spotty yoof who wanted to be his apprentice, presumably because all the girls on his hairdressing course took the p*ss out of him, so he wanted to learn how to be scary.
The media don't ask too many questions-they just want to fill their airwaves with crap to stop YOU asking questions.


"We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad!"
Howard Beale, Network, 1976




1/17/2007 4:22:05 PM

I think the number of genuine profiles on here just dropped below 12%
The question is...is mine one of the genuine ones?

1/17/2007 5:37:54 AM

Is it just Me or are Goreans a bit funny?

1/17/2007 5:36:11 AM

Very strange how a lot of "couples" don't actually have a picture of themselves together.
An unkind soul (Me, for example) might think it's because some sad fantasist nicked some random pics off the internet and hasn't worked out how to Photoshop "his and hers" images together to make a "couple" photograph....
aaahhhh here's to the happy couple
....even if they've never actually met each other

1/17/2007 4:28:48 AM

I neither know nor care who "sassysub33" might be.
Giving you any kind of attention at all gives you a measure of kudos, which otherwise you lack.
You are not "V" for Vendetta.
You are "A" for Airhead.

1/15/2007 5:42:19 AM

It's easy to have clarity of vision.
Take that worm at the bottom of the bottle of tequila.
It's life.
And you can see it.
Clearly.
But once you start drinking from the bottle, as opposed to staring at it on the shelf, your clarity of perception becomes cloudy around the edges. Colours are seen that were never there before. You are, in fact, pissed. 
But only by drinking from the bottle can you really experience anything of any value....grasshopper.

1/15/2007 5:32:01 AM
Definition of oral sex:
someone who talks about sex a lot (but doesn't do any)

1/15/2007 5:30:21 AM

Definition of Anal Sex; a person who talks out of their arse about sex.

1/12/2007 5:26:34 AM

Anyone got a great idea for how to hang and store two dozen bullwhips?

1/12/2007 12:57:51 AM

Isn't it interesting how it's dead easy to spot the essential flaws in the lives of others, and to point out what chumps they are, whilst our own lives continue to resemble car wrecks and our own chumpishness remains undiscovered or insoluble?.
...It is a rhetorical question.

1/10/2007 7:47:38 AM

loony profile of the day 2:
a "lesbian submissive" has a profile clearly showing several pictures of a bloke.
When I ask if they are not in fact of the male gender, he replies:
"Haha, yeah, sorry dude! A Mistress is a lesbian but still wants me for some reason, so is feminising me to her tastes... "

1/10/2007 6:30:13 AM

I'm an alien, but don't worry, I'm not going to burst through your chest.
I lied.

1/10/2007 4:35:18 AM

"You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it."
V For Vendetta

1/10/2007 1:16:12 AM

Loony Profile of the Day
From the bloke pretending to be a Domme who became a slave but has changed back to a Domme after verbally abusing My slave who is a genuine, real and female person as opposed to a bloke....erm....hang on...
He explains his past confusing orientation change thusly : "the loser was to become the other ones slave. I lost and honour dictated that I keep my word, so I did. Now, not having heard from her in a few days, I coinsider that debt paid and have returned to my old self...."


1/10/2007 1:10:05 AM

On checking the Dommes page, I find that an awful lot of them appear to be asking for a "tribute".
This sounds like a spiffing idea.
I am partial to Dairylea cheese triangles. If any of you miserable worms think yourself worthy send Me one NOW.
....What do you mean "that was crap"?

1/7/2007 10:07:20 AM


Loony Profile of The Day#2
"..........I am very friendly and i hope intellegent and would like to explore myself with him/her or them."


1/7/2007 10:04:48 AM

Loony Profile of The Day:
".......I should mention that I am very flat chested and would be very happy to have an enhancement for the right person "

1/7/2007 9:13:22 AM

Helpful Hint#23
If youre wanting to find your Dom/Domme/or sub, its probably best if you say where the hell you actually live.
"W" is not a real place, and "UK" isn't all that specific....

12/31/2006 1:09:16 PM

I'm told I'm writing too much in here and I should do something more useful with My time.
It's true, so yesterday I decided not to write any more ever.
oops..........

12/23/2006 3:13:27 AM

Turn up for the books of the day:
A fantasy-inspired Domme gives My slave verbal during the week telling her how unslavelike and unworthy she is, and how subs/slaves are all lesser mortals.
Today the "Domme"pops up with the same name as she had before (a slave with the title: "Lady"???) and the same photo, but now as an owned slave (of a woman, naturally)
There are blokes out there inventing fantasy worlds with such rapidity and imagination that they ought to get jobs working on the next Sims game.
I suppose the advantage of being a transvestite in cyberspace, as opposed to reality is that in cyberspace you don't have to learn how to walk in 5" heels....

12/22/2006 1:05:51 PM

Its hard to be aloof when I miss you this much.

12/22/2006 1:15:07 AM

Talk For The Day:
"Eyes are the windows of the soul".
How very profound...
If you're wearing glasses or contacts then they are the double glazing of windows of the soul.
If your glasses have plastic frames, then they are the upvc-framed double glazing of the windows of the soul.
God may ring you up and tell you that there is a special offer in your area this week and that you can have a new conservatory of the soul at a special reduced Christmas rate, seeing as it is you, darling.
Eyes are the windows of the soul and Specsavers is the church of the windows of the soul.
Next week:
"The Nose is the Chimney of the Soul"


12/21/2006 7:15:38 AM
Hello and Welcome to the-
"Sad Illiterate Bastard of The Day Posing As a Girlie" Award:
"My search for a english femsub is still on and the possible i could be subbed is an alternative possibility... as long as they have a camera and are adventerouse."

12/20/2006 1:53:31 AM


Speaking of the beauty of language, I got this one the other day:
"lol ffs i thought it wa Jimmy somerville outta Bronski Beat old potato head lmfao  maybe hes on here you are him lmao"
Unfortunately he blocked Me as soon as he sent it so I couldn't reply. 


 


12/20/2006 1:50:08 AM

Come on guys
whats with the blank profiles with no photos?
don't be shy!
take a leaf out of this one I just spotted. See how the English Language can lend itself to every little nuance:
"hi get in contact for fun."
you see-only a few words, but within those words we can see character and aspirations in abundance. I quickly penned My response:
"hi, I'm getting in contact for fun."
I keenly await fun-related developments

12/20/2006 1:19:42 AM

"Plain English" Award goes to the writer of the following line:-

"This profile is placed by L the female half - A is the male CD slut and has no knowledge. The reason for that will hopefully become clearer below...."


12/20/2006 1:15:09 AM

Dear santa,
for this chrismus I wud lik a macheen that vaporeyses all those sadd twats that putt profyles on heer pretendding too bee gurls when they arr reely nott gurls but silly men hoo cant eeven spel propeelee.

12/19/2006 1:18:04 AM

what are you getting your loved O/one/s for Xmas?
Judging by the ads on here there is one present which is very popular.
No, its not the "rampant rabbit" , "delirious dingo" or "slightly sycophantic squirrel"
I just clipped this from a profile:
"I am looking for a hard core female pain slut as a gift for my Master"
..."hard core female pain slut
"?
....What sort of batteries do you need with that, then?

12/19/2006 1:07:56 AM

...and how did they arrive at "72%". I would have said it was nearer 100%.
At least, a friend told me that was what he'd found.

12/19/2006 1:04:43 AM

I got this in My inbox this morning:
Hello Dude
Don't tell me why your sausage is so small,
I will better help you to make it really Bigger!
Why bigger? Because over 72% of all women need a longerweenie to satisfy their desire

The thing is, how do these people know so much about My problem?

12/18/2006 6:03:10 AM

I just bought some figs, and it says on the packet: "Store in a cool place".
So I put them down My tiger-print thong.
Groovy baby.

12/18/2006 6:00:39 AM

At the thirteenth chiming of the clock it will  undoubtedly be later than you think

12/15/2006 2:50:04 AM

'...They are Man's,' said the Spirit, looking down upon them. 'And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers.
This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy.."

Charles Dickens
A Christmas Carol

12/13/2006 7:36:50 AM

My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes
My love wears forbidden colours
My life believes in you once again

12/13/2006 6:16:37 AM

have you any idea how many way you can mis-spell "university" when youre in a hurry to fill in a job application form online and the deadline's 45 minutes off?

12/13/2006 5:54:53 AM

Arrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

12/13/2006 5:04:57 AM

I'm having real difficulties with My Paypal account
When I try to put funds into My bank I need to press the "submit" button, but I just CAN'T do it.
It's not in My nature
Any unworthy dogfood-chewing,  scum-sucking submissive laydeees out there help me out on this one?
submit NOW you bitch

12/13/2006 1:44:30 AM

Quotes from pop singers who were never convicted of anything at all, Number One: Michael Jackboot (he's got them lawyers, man)

You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-
You Know It
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad-You
Know-Hoo!
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad-I'm Bad-
You Know It, You Know
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
And The Whole World Has To
Answer Right Now
(And The Whole World Has To
Answer Right Now)
Just To Tell You Once Again . . .
(Just To Tell You Once
Again . . .)
Who's Bad?


12/13/2006 1:39:16 AM

yes, youre right
I am wasting more time

12/13/2006 1:36:02 AM

Quotes from favourite convicted child-molesting crap pop personalities number 2, Jonathan King:
Once I had my share of losing for they locked me on a chain Yes they tried to break my power oh I still can feel the pain

Una paloma blanca I'm just a bird in the sky Una paloma blanca Over the mountains I fly No one can take my freedom away*

*can you feel the irony there, at all?

12/13/2006 1:27:28 AM

Quotes from favourite convicted child-molesting crap pop personalities number 1, Gary Glitter:
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, I'm the leader of the gang I am
I'm the leader, I'm the leader, Well there's no one like the man I am
I can take you high as a kite every single night
I can make you jump out of bed standing on my head

12/13/2006 1:11:21 AM

I had to use the word "anus" as the magical content filter rejected ass-hole

12/13/2006 1:10:44 AM

Opinions are like anuses.
Everyone's got one.
Any chance people can wait till asked before showing me their anus?

12/12/2006 12:59:07 AM

I'm changing My profile to fit in morer:

"I'm a 23 year old college student into horseriding and i am collared to a wonderful master who is dead impressive and smells great*
he is looking for other 23 year old college students who are into horseriding to join us in his big house that has a barbecue and grass and everythink. this is a picture of me and isn't one that i just got off some random "Cheerleaders Are Us" website. honest. we follow the goreen life which is  hard life with rules and everything but it means I can't phone you as telephones haven't been invented on gor yet as we all communicate over large distances by blowing notes out of a petrified sleen's arse"


*no kidding, "my master smells great" appeared on a profile this morning

12/11/2006 1:46:52 AM

I just feel asleep and had a nightmare:
A world populated by curvy men seeking monogamy and writing McGonagallesque poetry
I woke up in a cold sweet.
It was strawberry yogurt.

12/10/2006 1:53:13 PM

anyone got any idea why the word "b r e e d" is rejected by the content filters on here? 
So is fast b-reeder reactor 
and
erm
good b-reeding
"Lady with good b-reeding wanted to work on My fast b-reeder reactor" is not acceptable
damn
There's My next advert fucked

12/10/2006 1:52:05 PM

Whats happened to all the fonts on here?
Are they on drugs?

12/10/2006 12:52:02 PM

Helpful hint number 236
A lot of us are unhealthy.
We're in a pretty shocking state as a nation, really.
At college the other day a bunch of guys (all younger than me) were muttering about how many illnesses they had and how many pills they had to take. It was soooo depressing.
The students being depressing is  a bad sign, as it was a counselling course
Anyhow, I'm getting off the point.
The thing is, I really wouldn't list all your ailments on your profile, unless you're seriously into Medical Fetish. Or you want to get onto My counselling course....

12/6/2006 11:05:03 AM

It's funny how many people describe themselves as "bubbly".
I bet they'd be even bubblier if you threw them in a bath full of acid.

12/6/2006 11:01:33 AM

Isn't it shocking when a someone you know dies in violent circumstances? But I have to look on the bright side. I took some great video.

12/5/2006 1:18:06 PM

Its true I have no heart or soul
I beat cripples with a stick
An impure thing of sin and vice
I tune in to crap moosic

12/5/2006 11:27:45 AM

come beat me with your crucifix
shove garlic through my heart
inject my veins with holy water
but beware my vampire's fart

12/5/2006 11:23:35 AM

I'm a horrid, horrid person
I'm a sadist with no scruples
I mess with lovely little nuns
and interfere with pupils

12/5/2006 11:20:14 AM

I know there is an angel
who looks down on me from air
I dunno if she's an angelic lllama
but I've seen an angel bear

12/5/2006 11:17:31 AM

I wish I had a friend and buddy
who'd stick up for me and stuff
but all I have is little me
a no-good lousy puff

12/4/2006 2:52:48 AM
There is a new epidemic of profiles from 24- year old skinny lesbian female slaves wearing lime green hot pants, and for some reason they all seem to live next door to Me, geographically-not literally.
Which is weird, because most of the lesbians I've met round here look like characters from a Viz comic.

12/4/2006 1:13:44 AM

Some of us live lives of extraordinary ordanariness.
Some of us live lives of ordinary extraordinariness.
And this gives us the ability to become something Other Than What Most People Are.
It's actually quite political and subversive.
Thats why the establishment fears us. We are X-Men.
Even the women are X-Men.
And the transexuals who used to be harold and are now harriet?
Why-they are ex-men, too!

12/1/2006 1:32:44 PM

Dom/mes are supposed to "tell" submissives what to do.
They aren't supposed to "ask"
I remember "telling" one ("bisexual" labelled) sub I was seeing that she would meet Me and a Domme.
Nothing funny just a social meeting.
Funny stuff might happen at some future date.
She freaked out.
How could you!!!
I feel so dirty!!!
The best way of never ever winning in this world is by being a Dom/me...

12/1/2006 6:29:07 AM

Wind...its what beans all turn to eventually.

11/29/2006 2:13:14 AM

I think you are all are mad and I'm sorry to relate-
that no-one should be quite this sick within our welfare state
who is it would ever wish to be beaten very cruelly?
You're all full of odd diseases and very very poorly,

The batterys and assaults are so absolutely criminal
(My case is heard this week and I'll be sentenced but its minimal)
I've seen bruises I've seen welts and I've seen scenes from NYPD Blue
I'm not sure who is suspected, but I rather think it is you












11/27/2006 4:10:12 PM
A special day
thankyou

further cannot yet be said,
as other eyes will yet have read

11/24/2006 6:21:40 AM

Life? Don't talk to me about life....

11/23/2006 12:50:40 AM

"short shrift was a brief penance given to a person condemned to death so that absolution could be granted before execution."
Like, wow, man.

11/23/2006 12:48:26 AM

A scary looking Switch on here says "don't contact me or I'll give you short shrift":
Why does nobody ever give a long shrift?
Is shrifting quite a tiring procedure?
I'm looking this up.
B'stards on the case.
and yes, I am avoiding work again-don't say anything about that or I'll give you a medium sized shrift.


11/23/2006 12:35:37 AM

I'd just like to point out that I am attached!
Following an accident with a glue gun I am, in fact, attached to:
my trousers
the carpet
a cordless kettle and
a pair of corgis in the act of mating.

11/22/2006 7:59:37 AM

I was musing and remembered possibly the most profound thing that I ever heard.
I was on a psychiatric ward...again...and a long term schizophrenic patient was addressing a female student nurse:
"You're very cocky nurse..."
he said in his odd and lilting tone, then added
"...you don't need to have a cock to be cocky"
How very moving. It still brings Me to tears.

11/20/2006 2:49:44 AM

Apparently I wrote laziness as lazieness.Thankyou for pointing this out, Disillusionedxx
I think that poor spelling is the height of lazyness, don't you?

11/20/2006 1:25:23 AM

Dodgy profile of the day:
This one concludes with "Very inexperienced, both in BDSM and sexually, but very willing to become a hard working student."
This is patently FAKE as we all know there is no such thing as a "hard working student".

11/18/2006 12:30:45 PM

In case you're wondering
After looking around here and viewing, with ever increasing despondency and dread, the assembled lines of nutters, anoraks and  muppets
In case you're wondering....
No.
They aren't all dumb,
they aren't all fake,
they aren't all tragic,
they aren't all disappointments.
Once I thought they were.
I had trudged these dark and lonely streets too often, opening dialogues with ghosts.
Then I found you. Or did you find Me?
When two streams join and flow into a river, which finds the other?
No matter.
Now we  can shake out fists at the world together.

11/17/2006 1:29:27 AM

The Friday Poem:
My name is little willie I'm an entertaining
gent
I'm here to have a bit of fun (I'm twisted but not bent)
I just did my toast and marmalade, put stale bread on the windowsill
for the little birds to feed on (thats my second favourite thrill)
Then I put on my best flip flops, switched on this here computer
And I have a look on Collarme, its marvellous-super-duper
But my names not little willie here, may name's duskywhorebitch
I come from sunny Africa (which is 15 degrees hotter than home in Redditch)
I'm a lesbo pervert tinker, I get whipped and tied to walls
(Excuse me just a minute while I scratch my itchy balls)
So write to me you Goddesses, you Mistresses and Dykes
Come riding to my open arms on your harley davidson motorbikes
But before you get to writing, (and I won't say this again)
I want only horny women
So stay away you MEN!





11/17/2006 12:42:43 AM

Clocked a profile on here that carried the near universal "catalogue model" pic, the profile clearly states "this pic isn't me" and yet the "management" let that through and it got listed.
I contacted admin to complain but that profile is still there. But just try uploading a photo that shows a nipple or a piece of rope, though......or using the word "b r e e d" (without the gaps)
Why is it that there seem to be so many who are into kink (fantasy and reality) and yet there are only two bdsm sites in the UK that are worth looking at?

11/15/2006 7:37:18 AM

Look. If I said it once I said it a thousand times:
Masochists should never say "I've been hurt in the past" on their profiles

11/13/2006 7:34:24 AM

Monday Rant
You know, relationships are jolly hard work. They can be rewarding, but they can also be ballbreakingly difficult.
Thats what I really resent about those people who invent their Masters/Mistresses/slaves and subs:
 "I have two slaves called Bill and Ben and I don't let them go until they've both Weed".
" I have a wonderful Master who i see often (every time I look in the mirror, in fact).."
Its lazy. You don't have to work at it.
I mean I hate the misprints and the useless grammar, but most of all I hate the gobshites for their sheer unadulterated slack-jawed lazieness.

11/13/2006 2:44:46 AM

"For every time she shouted 'Fire!'
They only answered 'Little Liar!'
And therefore when her Aunt returned, Matilda, and the House, were Burned"

"Matilda"by: Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953

11/13/2006 1:15:48 AM

I'm short of a number of things. Magic beans, Ferraris, a Harley, lots of cash, world peace.
One thing I never seem to run out of, however, is people who piss in My ear and tell Me its raining.

11/10/2006 1:18:47 AM

Some woman with an Asian sounding name has been arrested and charged under the terrorism act. It seems she had information on her computer about how to use a rocket launcher.
Well that means I'm in serious shit, as I have information on mine about how to use a BFG, which is much powerfuller than a rocket launcher. Admittedly its only useful on certain levels of the "Doom" computer game, but it looks pretty terroristy.
So there you are. All I need is to change My name to SirBastard Hawalizafrimullafruitcorner and I can expect guys with no manners and MP5's to cave My door in and shoot my Brazilian postman.

First they came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up, because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945




11/7/2006 2:20:26 PM
oooh doncha just love those drongos that say "must have a photo on your profile", when they -er, haven't got a photo on theirs

11/5/2006 2:01:00 PM

I am a 19 year old mixed race nymphomaniac with 44dd breasts and a wonderful master Lord_Luvitupthebum. 
He is looking for a hot playmate to joining us in our sessions at our medieval castle in Hackney.
NO MEN.
Oh ffs-sorry, I think this might be the wrong profile

11/4/2006 4:03:43 PM

Wear waders.
You have to get out into deep water to get past all the raw sewerage of humanity
Those who are "having a larf"
those who are pretending
those who are playing games
Most people on here talk total drivel
It's what the net is good for
talking bollocks
A lot of people misrepresent themselves.
 They aren't really what they say they are. This is their thrill. They are safely at home, hiding from their wives/hubbies, and this is their stage.
but eventually, if one wades deep enough, past the effluent, one finds others in waders. And sometimes they are wearing other rubber items, tight and shiny in the moonlight
Oh I'm sorry.
I seem to have soiled My rubber diaper.

11/4/2006 3:48:17 PM

What I didn't learn from My father:
If there is someone you love, tell them you love them. Don't take it for granted that the small hand that is placed within yours for guidance today will stay that way: Small.
That hand will grow and find another hand and you will watch her vanish into the crowd. Hand in the hand of another. 
She will be standing tall. Hand in hand.
Without you. Its good and its right.
But make sure she knows that you love her before that happens.
Because when you're dying and looking into your child's eyes and wanting them to start saying "I love you". It'll be too damn late.
You have to practice saying that phrase. preferably every day-and its no good just saying it to random strangers at the bus stop either. All that will get you is either arrested or a date with a strange person in an dayglo Asda fleece. You have to tell someone that you love that you love them.
They might think you're weird (if you're on here you ARE weird) but saying "I love you" is free and it's ok.
Unless you're a Nazarean carpenter, in which case we get to nail you to some wood.
Again.

11/3/2006 1:09:37 PM

I denied My hunger for so long.
Now I'm in free-fall.

11/1/2006 4:22:57 PM

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them ":
Henry David Thoreau

11/1/2006 12:28:51 AM
I mean its not like it had the word c*nt in it.
Or tw*t
I didn't use either of those
I don't even think I said w*nker...after all there aren't any of those on here.
Well I've done a new one, which is only temporary. Here it is:
"Hi, Bstard here. I like the outdoor life and animals. I have lots of cats and there's nothing I like better than waking up and playing with a little pussy.
I also raise exotic chickens and I often take My prize cock "Stiffy" out and show him at the market. Lots of people stroke it and want to take it home with them, but its My cock and I'll do what I like with it. Some wench wanted to hold My cock, but I refused and instead I bent her over and gave her a goose (which I no longer required).
Although I raise My poultry using organic methods some object to the flavour. I remember after one of My plump offerings was  sampled I heard a complaint that it tasted fowl, but others firmly disagree. It's down to hygiene and I always try to make sure that I never display My cock until its been given a shampoo and a dusting with "Wacko's" patent flea powder.
Next week- Somewhat under the weather, I get to feeling a little hoarse but am spotted by the RSPCA and get six months"


11/1/2006 12:10:07 AM
Anyone know what made My last profile offensive? It seems to have been erased by "The Management"
Do I get a prize for offending some dweeb who reported Me for offending them?

10/29/2006 2:58:34 AM

Awalk on the beach at night.
A turtle lies on its back in the sand... 
is she real or a replicant
The Company must have scoured My every memory, thought and illusion to come up with her
yet she feels real
This feels real

10/27/2006 4:51:37 PM

Errr
before I get excommunicated and kneed in the balls
I am a friend to some of you...you know who you are. Its a short list.
Quality

10/27/2006 4:47:40 PM
"Community" and does one wish to become part of one?. Discuss:
well weblogs are fun
I just asked a woman who spent her IC log talking about the cost of her car repairs "isn't this a bdsm site?"
she wasn't amused
It seems that this community is for people who don't have any real friends, so have to chat to cyberfriends.
Its not the same you know?
Real friends, even allowing for their frequently  breaking wind and telling boring ficticious stories are still real.
This isn't real, and I'm not your friend.
And I never will be.
Lucky you.
I fart and lie something rotten.


10/27/2006 12:31:16 PM

The North East of England is known for many famous things.
Viz comic, Greggs cheese and onion pasties, the invention of television
well maybe not that last one...
but....
we're dead creative and famous and everything.
What we are not as well  known for, however, is being the most popular location for 19 year old lesbian slaves with blurry photographs.

10/26/2006 1:29:56 PM

I miss you more than I miss My mind.

10/25/2006 4:47:15 PM

"I say, I say, I say......I tried to sell a GPS system on here, it was only 50p but there were no takers!"
"You say tried to sell a GPS system on here and there were no takers? "
"Correct My good Man. I think its because nobody on here gets out much"
"I don't wish to know that, kindly leave the site"


10/24/2006 1:54:26 PM

Interesting names some people have on here
one profile whose chosen name ends in "fascist" uses their profile to say that doesn't mean they are one.
errrrrr....
funny choice of name then, really.....
I'm a fascist and proud of it!
fascism is defined as :
n : a political theory advocating an authoritarian hierarchical government (as opposed to democracy or liberalism)
But speaking personally I'm in it for the shiny boots.
Actually I'm a libertarian, but they don't get to wear such nice boots.

10/23/2006 12:22:21 AM

Why choose BDSM:
1.you get to dress up in a fancy costume
2.you get to choose a dead clever name
3.you get to choose if you're going to be a goody or a baddy
4.you get to be a persecuted minority
5.you get to talk in a language outsiders don't understand
6.you get to do stuff that would shock your kids (which is a change, as its usually the other way around)
7.you get to have sex that lasts longer than 3 minutes
or, alternatively, if you choose cyber bdsm: 
8.you get to do allsorts of wild, kinky and horrid stuff without ever taking your fingers off your keyboard (which is very safe sex) AND you get to write REALLY bad poems.

10/22/2006 6:03:04 AM

Having tried to get the attention of suitable (ie witty, attractive with charisma) Dommes and Doms regarding play with My property, I  received only one message, and this was from someone who doesn't have a photo so sent a copy of a training course ID card... complete with his real name...his card tells Me he is well qualified in how not to fall off ladders.His skill with a tawse wasn't mentioned.
I'm now putting this project on ice. 
My slave offer wasn't an born of desperation, but of the quest for hedonistic fun.
Ah well. You're all fired.

10/20/2006 1:44:51 AM

You want Me to say I'm sorry well I'm not sorry so there
It wasn't me and if it was Me then it wasn't My fault
it was him. He put Me up to it
and anyway I don't care about you, everybody knows your mam's a gypsy and you smell and you can't get a boyfriend coz youre so ugly and you smell and everything.

If it makes a difference:
Sorry moo 
p.s. The chocolate was poisoned

10/19/2006 1:41:03 AM

So the weird thing is we have free(er) speech on here, but they won't let you put so much as a nipple on your pix,whereas over  on IC you can put anything but shagging on your pix but you can't have a pointless and timewasting larf.
What's the world coming to?
An end, probably.
I'm off to polish My head so I'll look My best.

10/19/2006 1:29:49 AM

Sense of humour bypass: I don't often post anything on IC but this morning I felt the uge to write the following:
SirB'stard wrote:
Is it My imagination or is there a greater proportion of fat, stupid and ugly people in the bdsm community, than there is in the reduced cream cake section at Tesco?

And do you know, within an hour the moderators had removed My post (but not until a fat, stupid and ugly person had accused Me of being bald)

10/18/2006 9:00:13 PM

There appear to be an awful lot of fractionated people on here looking for or having found their "other half".
Personally I always look for someone who is 100%, rather than missing half her bits.
Not that I have anything against amputees as such

10/18/2006 8:52:29 PM

What is the male equivalents of a bbw?

10/18/2006 12:43:59 PM
It may be My imagination, but are bdsm people generally uglier than vanilla people?

10/18/2006 2:41:43 AM

It may be My imagination, but are bdsm people generally stupider than vanilla people?

10/17/2006 12:39:38 AM

The streets were dark as it was night
light reflected from pools of rain
made the street alight

when all at once I opened a letter or a missive
from the gorgeous slapper who is My submissive
come into my arms it said with passion
and into my other bits as is your fashion

but still the dark street lay there all darkly
until out of the night came the famous historian David Starkey
No it wasn't it was just somebody who looked like him
His name wasn't David, he said it was Jim

So that was the story of my journey its true
this keyboards all sticky perhaps it is glue?
and my mouth it seems to be all funny and foaming
perhaps its the result of doing too much of My poeming




10/17/2006 12:31:54 AM

The sickness is spreading.
I now feel the compulsion to break into bad poetry.....

10/17/2006 12:27:03 AM

Good grief, I just looked and there was another dodgy profile- in Newcastle. I don't think I even blacked out. Unless I blacked out and didn't notice it because I had blacked out.

10/17/2006 12:24:18 AM

It seems to me that most of the fake profiles are in the North East of England.
I have a theory. I've been having these blackouts and when I wake up I'm at the pc looking at the write up of an experienced 19 year old lesbian dominatrix.
I think its I must have typed it!

10/16/2006 10:59:11 AM

Most interesting. A bdsm site that doesn't allow pictures of anyone in bondage

10/15/2006 10:12:38 AM

I look to My feet once more, and there they are, and there she is. 

10/14/2006 11:40:58 PM

You examine your feet, as they don't seem to be on the end of your legs, and the ground seems to have fallen away beneath them.
Nothing is as it seems.

10/13/2006 4:02:47 PM

I miss you like the earth misses ozone

10/13/2006 1:24:04 AM

Fantasy is great though innit?
I mean, you never have to deal with people who let you down, because they can't. They're not programmed to.
"I order, then they do. My will is everything.
Today I'll jump into My private jet and go to Monte Carlo with seven bisexual teenage painsluts, each more beautiful than the last."
Or is it more mundane? A more reachable fantasy?
"I just moved into a house with My sub/Dom and its great to be His and to be happy?"
When actually you live with some dude who thinks kinky sex is doing it more than twice a month for longer than three minutes and he'd cave your head in if he knew you had this fantasy world on your pc?
Reality? Trust Me, its overrated.
I've seen it. It's rubbish.


10/13/2006 1:15:07 AM

I know that I have previously been somewhat abusive to those people who had fantasy lives, but I have to tell you right now that I'm one of them.
I'm not really "Sir Bstard". He doesn't exist. And none of the other stuff I talk about is real either.
Even this isn't real.
See, its fading already.
And now its  gon......

10/12/2006 5:39:47 AM

I like girls who are thin and girls wot have curves
but my favouritest girls are the girls wot are pervs

I like girls who are posh and girls who are brassy
I'm a rabid racist, but I like Shirley Bassey

I like girls who are clever and girls wot are
thick
I can't tell which they are when they gag on Myjokes

I like all those girls, all their sizes and shapes
I invite them to coffee, to dinner and crapes (suzettes)

They have to cook well and make stir fry with a wok
know how to stuff chickens and how to serve cock.a leeky

I'm most fond of nuns, and I do like a witch
but the best girl of all is my own Bstard'sbitch








10/12/2006 1:39:19 AM

An Infinite Number of Monkeys would never have written Hamlet.
but they have made a fine job of writing 99% of the profiles on this site...

10/12/2006 12:45:21 AM
That'll be £1.75 please.

10/12/2006 12:44:48 AM

Oh, and My friend said that there must be zillions of people who read My journal. I sounded like a really important dude.
A player.
A face.
If its true that so many people are reading this, then I think its only fair that you pay something for the privilege.
I shall be posting details of My bank account here shortly .
My charges are
individual words- 33p
very hard words -47p
full line of text-£1.75
I will monitor each reading transaction that takes place and invoice the reader accordingly. This entry was free, but I'm afraid the next one you'll have to pay for.


10/12/2006 12:37:09 AM

Yesterday I talked on the phone to a friend I hadn't heard from for some time. She felt bad about her life and bad about an incident where she had used bad judgement in the past, which had hurt Me.
It may be that having embarked on My counselling training (exciting stuff) I am now less judgemental about others, or it may simply be that I have become totally wonderful, but either way I really can't be arsed to hold onto grudges forever.
If someone I'm involved with lets Me down and  causes Me emotional pain then I expect an apology. I get one?. So I move on.
Being non-judgmental isn't easy. In fact being that way to strangers I find most entertaining.
But I think its rather less entertaining to be judgmental to friends: what they choose to do and how they choose to live.
Advice is something which should be given when one is asked for it. Just make sure you want to hear the answer.But bear in mind the immortal saying:
 "Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one"

10/10/2006 10:09:06 AM

Its really worrying
I've met a bunch of nillas I quite like...

10/8/2006 1:15:58 PM
and no slave, I don't mean that you're all hard work and frustration

10/7/2006 4:40:09 PM

So many fantasies....
but then, thoughts of cruel Masters and compliant slaves are much easier in dreams
Reality is hard work, risk and frustration
Most of you will never be up for this
Most of you are better off with your flights of fancy
A Dom or a sub (or several) that vanish when you turn off your pc.
You miss a lot

10/6/2006 12:31:00 AM

Day 2 and the "bisexual native American" slave seller is still peddling his scam on here despite Me having reported him 24 hrs ago-and yet, if you want to put on your profile a picture that shows a nipple or a length of rope, it won't be allowed, and it won't be allowed pretty damn quick.
I think somewhere the priorities are a little wrong.
I'm grateful to CollarMe, its helped Me get to know quite a few people, but why isn't there more competition on the net for bdsm sites? There's here and IC and thats about it, and IC is only good for pathetic whingeing farts having a rant.
I hate it when people do that
"Are you having a rant?"

10/5/2006 1:33:59 PM

I'm not totally sure (difficult to prove this) but I think we have now reached a point where the fake profiles outnumber the genuine ones by about 2:1.

10/5/2006 11:23:59 AM

I notified site administration about the "American Master" and his interesting scheme selling African slaves (do they never learn, these Americans....?. It's not big and its not clever to sell African slaves) but after several hours Masser Boss is still with us.
Is there anyone out there?
hellooooooo CollarMe!!!!!
helloooooooo!!!!

10/5/2006 3:42:57 AM

I have been approached by an American Master who is trying to sell Me a slave for $2,000.
He seems genuine.
Should I send him the money?

10/5/2006 1:42:06 AM

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which is the marzipan surprise if you lose that little card that has pictures of all of them on it.

10/4/2006 2:52:23 AM

Being Helpful:
Roadsigns are helpful
First Aid kits are helpful
People who want to tell other people what's wrong with their lives/relationships and tell them how to fix them are not helpful.
They should buy the Sims instead, and perhaps focus on "fixing" their own lives and their own issues. Or perhaps they should get a show on daytime TV.
And if others listen to this "helpful advice"?then more fool them, really.
Just a thought.

10/3/2006 7:00:28 AM

I see that site management are taking the customary 143 weeks to vet photographs

10/2/2006 6:53:16 AM

Are you into humiliation and degradation?
I thought so.
I can tell from what you're wearing

10/2/2006 3:51:49 AM

Hold that last entry
I'm sticking around for a bit longer with the perverts, but I get to keep the pants, ok?

10/1/2006 10:30:31 PM

I'm giving up perversion and taking up golf.
I know I'll have to abandon all that leather and those crazy gadgets but hey-have you seen those really cool pants you get to wear?
And nobody minds if you play a round with other people

9/29/2006 8:56:21 AM

Piercings can be sexy, but if thats the main thing you have to write about on your profile, then the rest of you is probably equally full of holes....

9/29/2006 3:41:08 AM

If your profile is blank, chances are , so is your mind

9/29/2006 2:29:19 AM

Millions of years of evolution and most of you can't even conjugate a f*cking verb.

9/29/2006 2:28:05 AM

Being submissive or being a slave doesn't mean you have to be weak, and it doesn't mean you have to be stupid.
Reading most of these profiles, you'd think it did.
That old controversial Mash song went:
"'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
..and you can do the same thing if you please."
That might be a hint
You're not cabbages. Cabbages at least contribute to a healthy diet.

9/29/2006 1:56:39 AM
"And not by eastern windows only,
When daylight comes, comes in the light;
ln front the sun climbs slow, how slowly,
But westward, look, the land is bright.":
Arthur Hugh Clough

You may not see it yet, but the sun will surely rise

9/27/2006 6:06:40 AM

"In China there was once a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly. His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing."
Hagakure: Book of the Samurai

Truly, it is the same with those who purport to look for skilled and fearsome Masters or wllling and lustful retainers. It is even so  here upon these pages.
Most would have a heart attack if they ever really found one.

9/27/2006 5:54:19 AM

It is bad when one thing becomes two.
One should not look for anything else in the Way of the Samurai.
It is the same for anything that is called a Way.
If one understands things in this manner, he should be able to hear about all ways and be more and more in accord with his own.

9/27/2006 5:43:05 AM

Speaking of Ebay...
I just got the soundtrack from "Ghost Dog" from Ebay.
I'm now on a hamburger and donut diet and am concentrating on turning black and getting a funny walk
I already have the big swords
anyone seen a pigeon 'round here?

9/27/2006 3:51:46 AM

Ebay?

9/27/2006 3:51:18 AM

MyArse in YourFace?

9/27/2006 3:50:27 AM

MyPlace?
or YourPlace?

9/27/2006 3:49:47 AM

MyFace?

9/27/2006 3:49:20 AM

MyFace on My Space?

9/27/2006 3:48:40 AM

whats the point of that then?

9/27/2006 3:48:16 AM

my/space?

9/27/2006 3:47:49 AM

My-Space?

9/27/2006 3:47:25 AM
ooh they won't allow My Space without the gap

9/27/2006 3:46:51 AM

hey how come you can get away with any pic except genitals on IC and yet on here, you can't even flash a nipple?
My Space is dirtier than here

9/26/2006 4:14:32 PM

how about I go to bed before I really embarrass Myself?

9/26/2006 4:13:37 PM

how about if you stuck a pin on this site and married whoever the pin pricked?

9/26/2006 4:12:37 PM

how about if they gave a war and nobody came?

9/26/2006 12:35:25 AM

Just spotted this on a profile:
 "I wanna be a no limits slave, but only in fantasy, I will never turn up for a meet even if you book a room "
I think I already didn't meet that one...

9/26/2006 12:30:48 AM

A relatively new phenomenon is a profile that carries a picture that the owner admits is "not me"
This is quite widespread on IC, but growing on here:
"This is a stylised picture of a:  submissive/cartoon character/mountain/tree/cat and I really liked it so I put it on here for you to have a look at."
Crass
If you're worried about your husband or wife finding out that you're a pervert, then you COULD use a pic that doesn't show your face (preferably not one with a big blob over your head-thats so 1960's) and preferably not one that simply chops off your head-thats so French.
Lighting and shadow are good. No they aren't X-Men characters.
 Well , they might be, but not in this context

9/24/2006 4:07:16 PM

Good luck moo
we love you, twat though you are.

9/24/2006 4:06:06 PM

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde

9/24/2006 1:55:34 PM
Its a totally sad state of affairs when:-
#1:
 "a pervert is proud of being monogamous"

9/22/2006 1:48:18 PM

Though right now you think I'm not with you,
I am.
you just need to look harder

9/22/2006 4:01:09 AM

Off on another mish.
The sad thing is, due to the nature of what I do, I will never be decorated by the Queen.
But I may well end up wallpapering  a princess....and the paste gets everywhere......

9/21/2006 4:07:00 PM

I'm off to bed.
To all those with imaginary Masters, Doms, subs and slaves out there (which is most of you, to be honest):
Don't forget to wish them all goodnight, or they'll take on human form and whup your ass.

9/21/2006 3:59:26 PM

Kingdoms rise and kigdoms fall, but real love never dies

9/21/2006 7:24:38 AM

ok thats it.
I'm off out.
and for those of you who have forgotten what "out" is, its that place where your pc lead won't stretch to.

9/21/2006 7:06:54 AM

Its that kind of person that gives filthy sex a bad name

9/21/2006 7:06:06 AM

Why don't they just say "whoooooooore seeks clients"?
but with less "o"'s

9/21/2006 7:04:37 AM

Lots of wimmin on here wanting to find "a generous gentleman".
I bought a copy of Big issue once.
Does this count?

9/21/2006 5:56:31 AM

I tried to get some books out of the library written by Barry Norman, the bloke who stared writing about Gor in 1789, but they only had "The 100 Best Films of the Century".
Not even the  "The 100 Best Gorean Films of the Century", mind you.
I tried the DVD shop, but theres not a single film about Gor. Which is prejudice if you ask Me.
I mean the shite Da Vinci Code has got Tom Hanks in a funny wig, so why can't we get a similarly syrupped celebrity doing "The Place Mats of Gor"?

9/21/2006 2:39:23 AM

As the governments of the West are getting rid of the historical rights of the citizen I have taken radical action. My badge,woggle and membership card for The Wonderful World of Gor right in front of Me.
Its the only place where being "free" is an option. Albeit from a council flat in Wales surrounded by burned-out Astras and wobbly dancing girls.

9/20/2006 3:57:16 PM

Relationships are much easier to manage on the net than they are in real life.
That's probably why so may of you have given up on reality.
But don't.
For every hour you spend on here, flirting, canoodling, screwing.
None of it.
Not one single orgasm of it.
Is worth a single stolen kiss in a municipal car park with the warden checking his watch.
Never forget that.
I won't ever forget that.
I promise you. My love.

9/20/2006 3:45:44 PM

1st Rule of Life:
"If it seems to good to be true....?
It is."

9/20/2006 3:44:12 PM

Amazing amount of scandinavian submissives want to relocate to My back garden.
Perhaps if they saw the state of My bank account they'd move on.
Then again...
its always sunny
in a rich man's world

9/20/2006 11:39:46 AM

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them , and all of them have profiles on here


9/19/2006 10:36:51 AM

I wonder how many times a man, pretending to be a Domme has Cyber'd a "female submissive", who is really a man pretending to be a woman? 
More than once. or My name's not B'stard.
Hell, maybe its not "B'stard".
Maybe My name's really "Mistress Morgana"

9/19/2006 8:35:56 AM

I suffer further verbal abuse from another Madame who doesn't know he's really a Monsieur, and who wants permission to cyberfondle My property.
Am I supposed to be a public wanking service here or what?
I know women. I like women. Generally they're a bit brighter than men (there are exceptions...) but given that I have a reasonable amount of experience with females then I'm not likely to be taken in by some dweeb who cuts the head off some random  leather-clad babe's picture and pretends its him.
Just don't try.
Or I'll tell your wife and she'll be ever so cross.

9/18/2006 5:49:43 AM

Lots of you promise this and that.
But how many of you actually deliver?
Unless you work for the post office, of course or perhaps Ringtons, the Tea people
or one of those amusing young people who shove the 17 Sunday Times supplements into My box on the morning....fnarrr...or perhaps you're a midwife....or a coalman...come to think of it, I suppose lots of you actually deliver.
Yes readers, I'm avoiding work again.

9/18/2006 1:02:48 AM

The I'm Better Wrap:
Here I stand righter than rain
massively, impassively, impressively,a bit like David Cassidy
Here I stand like weathered oak, like a hot soak in a tub full of coke
Here I stride, reaching for your nakedness, forsakedness, anticipatedness
Making up terrors, making up curtains, making up words that are a little bit uncertain-s
Here I stand and here I stay, tell me do you think that I look a little bit gay-
in this cloak of Mine with the black and red so scary? Is that why you're looking  so suspicious and so wary?
So listen you scum, you cops and psychiatric nurses
All behave your little selves or you'll be punished with more verses.

9/18/2006 12:43:04 AM

Feeling much better and as right as rain
What does that mean
"as right as rain"?
is rain right?
is it never wrong?
is rain always female?

9/15/2006 12:44:53 PM

I'm as sick as a parrot, so I am currently off road awaiting repair.
Ooooohhh you must be joking mate-I haven't seen one of those for ages-you just can't get the parts.
If I was you I'd scrap it-its more trouble than its worth. I mean just look at that body-its never going to be right-and look at that-it's totally bald.
Yes, I know. Luckily my car's ok though.

9/14/2006 1:12:37 AM

awaiting those nice admin persons to approve My new pics....these delays don't exactly encourage people to update their profiles and keep them fresh....is this why most of listed images are sepia tinted?

9/13/2006 12:04:31 PM

Just hopped over to informed consent for a regular tyre kicking.
Heres a depressing thought:
"CollarMe is probably the best bdsm site on the internet"
which is a bit like saying I'd rather have herpes than rabies

9/13/2006 11:58:21 AM

Hint of the Day:
Women-You really want to be a better sub?
Try getting some bigger torpedoes

9/13/2006 11:02:18 AM

I have a friend (who you? you've a friend? no you never!)
...who is talented, fit and ever so clever
she uses big words I just don't understand
like heliotrope, obsequious...and....and...and...and...
(I told her she just needs to get out some more)
But instead she's become a proud slave girl of Gor

9/13/2006 8:35:47 AM

How charming
Just spotted a 12 word profile and despite the brevity there was still enough room for a spelling mistake
That takes some doing
and the word that wasn't spelt rite was "thankyou"

9/13/2006 8:30:48 AM

Fun is where you make it, it isn't where you buy it
You might own a dungeon in your own castle, you might be able to afford the fastest bike or car, you might just be off to a jog in the Amazon basin, but if you're terminally boring then none of them will do you the slightest bit of good. Ever.

9/13/2006 8:18:21 AM

I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now.
I'm only here to make fiends

9/12/2006 12:50:52 PM

I have just read my profile and realised that nowhere on it does it say that I am either safe or sane.
Whew.
Thats a relief.

9/12/2006 1:03:07 AM

"I have been hurt in the past but I would like to meet a soul-mate for a long term 24/7. Not interested in anything casual. I have been in hospital for the last 3 years getting a large growth removed and am still very poorly, consequently I have been very depressed lately and have started cutting myself again. I have 8 children, three dogs and three budgies and my carpet smells of wee.
And so do I.
A bit":

What a wonderful way to scare the crap out of anyone. Ok the budgies can stay
If any Americans are reading this bit-no, thats not really My life up there. Its satire.

9/11/2006 1:08:52 PM

A friend(male) of mine posted a profile as a fem sub. The profile was designed to only attract those of subliminal intelligence but all the same He/she gets inundated with verrrrrrrrrrrry sad individuals, one of whom pretended to be  a female inviting my friend to be join her and be "snuffed together"
My friend:"have you a webcam?"
snuffperv: "No-have you" (leering visibly) 
"ok then have you a mobile?"
"no I have a phobia about phones"
at this point My friend, in the best traditions of the Sunday Express, made his/her excuses and left.... and reported snuffperv to collarme, of course.
So there you are.
From no profile to conspiracy to murder my friend in less than six hours.
What if my friend had  been some vulnerable young thing who turned up at snuffperv's door?.
Join collarme and maybe get murdered.
Lets be careful out there

9/11/2006 9:28:11 AM

Special offer to all American readers!. A genuine signed copy of the Monday poem for only $5,000

9/11/2006 9:26:21 AM

The Monday Poem
It was a dark and stormy night
As I made My way down the kipper-strewn street I saw a light
Then I heard a noise! A loud noise and it gave me a fright!
So I went to see My slave , who is an angel of delight
I covered her in jelly and custard. Day dawned. A triflebright
And what do you mean?: My "verse is a load of sh*te"
Not all great art is black and white.
You're just a peasant. Go fly a kite!

9/11/2006 8:55:10 AM

The rambling club still has vacancies, but the creative writing course still has no applicants.
A surprise there, as this is the home of very creative writing
Perhaps you're all far too good at it already

9/11/2006 8:47:08 AM

I'm thinking of starting up a bdsm rambling and hillwalking group.
The majority of you look like you could do with a little exercise, and I see very little evidence that anyone on here gets out much.

9/11/2006 8:41:01 AM

A big thankyou to most people on this site.
Sometimes I feel a little bit lost and at odds with the world, but then I read most of these profiles and journals and I think:
"hey, I could be a lot worse-I could be them!"

9/11/2006 1:07:51 AM

I have a friend in Special Forces.
He has trouble getting out of his chair and watches an awful lot of daytime TV, and he walks with a stick, but he, and a surprising lot of people like him, are "in Special Forces".The only "secret foreign missions" they have ever been on are the ones to find the nearest chippy in Malaga.
So trust Me.
Whatever story comes out of your mouth had better be the truth.
Chances are I've heard I've heard 17 bigger, better and more ludicrous fibs than yours before breakfast and I have the best b.s. detector in existence.

9/11/2006 12:57:51 AM

and no, I won't let random strangers have access to My property. No matter what their Munchausen-like claims are.
I wouldn't lend a bicycle out to a stranger, do you seriously think I'd be any less careful with My beloved slave?

9/11/2006 12:48:54 AM

Could any parties of the "Domme" persuasion wishing to have access to My bitch please check first to ensure they haven't got any testicles.
and tutting about "how many fakes there are" whilst being a fake yourself isn't big or clever. Just a bit sad.

9/10/2006 4:32:53 AM

My slave says she isn't into anything sick and twisted.
Don't you believe a word of it

9/10/2006 2:11:44 AM

Yet again a delay of days and days before pics are approved
I see two of them aren't going to be approved at all.
The same two that were already approved by  couple of other sites ages ago.......
I should have put pics of BendyWendy on here instead. She's so photogenically flexible for a teenage lesbian painslut.
But then, aren't they all

9/9/2006 7:40:52 AM

...this "hide user" button is getting a good workout here
every time I block a bogus fool (23 year old nymphomaniac looking for a firm Mistress)another one pops up,
Its worse than weeding the garden

9/7/2006 3:10:52 AM

bdsm= the only place where you can meet somebody and  literally hit it off.

9/5/2006 4:29:14 PM

A verse about bdsm (if any americans are reading this -its not serious):

I wandered lonely as a sprout
looking for a woman who I might clout
I tried some magic, using my wand-age
then I bought some string and I tried bondage

the night was cold and very dark
did I hear a noise? listen and hark
a gorgeous slave with petals of roses
she shivered a bit, as she was wearing no clotheses

she screamed quite a bit but I couldn't hear her
even when I whacked her upon her posterior
the moon shone upon her bed's satin sheets
as upon her naughty bits I began to beats

she beseeched me this question, she asked it quite clearly
"is this the worst poem? or is it just nearly"
and why is Master, that it isn't illegal
To write painful verse, that's worse than the poems of that awful Scottish poet William McGonnigal?

anon


9/4/2006 2:04:35 PM

Having just enrolled for a college course today (professional sponge finger repair) I thought of a new subject they could offer.
Languages are very popular, so how about "Learn to Speak Crap", and for the bdsm community: "Learn to Speak Advanced Crap".
Somewhere out in Crapland, they are dying to hear your conversation.

9/4/2006 6:45:14 AM

Ode to My bitch:
"She walks in beauty like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of black and blue
Meet on her arse and on her thighs;"



9/4/2006 4:47:16 AM

"But, soft! What brick through yonder window breaks?
It is a chav,and Juliet-Marie has an asbo." 

Romeo and Juliet-Marie scene 12, act 4

9/4/2006 4:35:05 AM

yes I am avoiding work again.....

9/4/2006 4:34:43 AM

It is most important that badinage comes before bondage.
As Shakespeare himself once said:

"A swift and skilful tongue,
is oft a prelude to a kiss
and it's also very useful when
rummaging for a clitoris"
(The Merchant of Tuna, scene 1 act 3)

9/4/2006 3:59:34 AM

So farewell then
Steve Irwin
who would have thought
that frivolously sticking your testicles into the mouths of crocodiles
could be so dangerous?

Perhaps there is a lesson in this
for all of us.
I for one
shall refrain
from dancing with stingrays.
At least until tomorrow

(you will never believe this of course
but when I went to Australia
I really did meet the man
who sold him his shorts)

9/2/2006 12:24:31 PM

I am thinking of training my slave to be a Gorean kajira. As the first step, I bought her a jumbo-sized box of cream cakes.

9/2/2006 12:18:07 PM

There are so many deluded individuals out there who advertise themselves to be something they aren't
I've corresponded with quite a few over the years. Most of the time I never got to know them, usually they vanish-"pop" ....before they ever get as far as The Meeting. Cyberspace is safer.
Then there are those who you do meet and prove themselves to be a shadow of what they said they were...the equivalent of those extras in  Western movies who say theyre the fastest baddest guns in the West and turn out to be wannabe punks
Then, very rarely one meets the one who is what they say they are. And more.
If you have one of those don't let them go.They are very, very rare.
I'm hangng onto Mine.

9/2/2006 4:44:48 AM

If any of the persons who inferred that I was overreacting when I flagged the issues raised by the Spanner Trust (proposed legislation affecting our rights) would like to bend over, then I'll do My best to extricate your head out of your ass.

9/2/2006 2:34:04 AM

"anal slut" is not the same thing as "anal retentive slut"
The latter merely nags you about your capitalisation errors....
(and no. I don't mean you)

9/2/2006 1:38:54 AM

Well you guys wouldn't allow the last pic I tried to add to My profile....tuts....
Using My trusty Repligator program I added about half a dozen sparkly stars to the pic for effect.
Me snogging My bitch.
No nipples, just stars.
Ah where has the romance gone.....
next time I'll cut some pics from a knitting pattern and scan and submit those.
Y'all seem to love them.

9/1/2006 3:47:35 AM

There are also quite a few "bisexual males"... so I'm told.
Ladies:Think twice about dating bisexual men. I knew one woman who did and she got so confused that she didn't know which way to turn.

9/1/2006 3:34:45 AM

there are quite a few "bored housewives" on here.
May I suggest tuning into the Jeremy Kyle show.
Its great

8/31/2006 6:54:57 AM
bendywendy writes:
"banning violent porn?
 I don't know what all this fuss is about.
All credit to the government for their brave stand-who is there among you who cannot be aware of the reduction in violent crime since the recent spoon amnesty? The numbers of persons injured by spoons have reduced by 27.9%. You may say that people have a right to own spoons, but I think this is short-sighted.
A single life saved from a  vicious spooning is worth losing a few rights.
And whisks! have you seen some of those things? who needs these horrible things!?.
I think the police should have powers to take unnecessary whisks. "

8/31/2006 6:00:12 AM

Spotted this on a profile today:
"I am seeking active genuine destruction. Permanent scarring and damage to my my body."
...have you tried putting a towel on your head and walking into a police station...?  that should work...

8/31/2006 3:32:23 AM

bendywendy says:
"curiously one of the first things the Nazis did on gaining power was banning public ownership of guns.
HM Govt seems to have more advanced plans than that. Banning public ownership of spoons.
Man (woman?) the barricades and pass the potato peelers. I can just see John Prescott as Herman Goering....."

8/31/2006 2:08:02 AM

bendywendy say.....
"I see the government is proposing new laws to make violent porn illegal.
I think they should. I mean look at how banning guns stopped people getting shot
And all these knife amnesties. I feel so much safer knowing these deadly weapons are out of circulation...well apart from those in your kitchen drawer.
You know you look a bit dangerous to Me. You're on this site for a start.
I suggest you hand in all your cutlery at the local police station. You can keep the egg whisk.
For now.... "

8/30/2006 4:16:44 PM

I've had some (American) enquiries as to whether My name is really bendywendy
Look, you guys-you elected George Bush.
You don't have to keep proving why you did that

8/27/2006 6:17:58 AM

of course...sometimes things happen to challenge even My beliefs.
Four Fraggles came out from Fraggle Rock to join the party, and, when the Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand, My slave tranformed herself into Snow White for the evening, as promised.
You know,sometimes I think its Me thats on drugs......

8/26/2006 4:26:16 AM

I'm showing My age here....you Timewasters aren't really Muppets, because when I find one of your multitide I hide you by using the famous "hide user" button.
So I guess technically that makes you Fraggles and not Muppets as Fraggles live underground and run away and hide under a rock when they are discovered

8/26/2006 2:36:59 AM

the muppets are surrounding the building asking if I meant them!
well no of course I don't mean YOU....hey your hand....its turning green....and furry.......

8/25/2006 2:19:51 PM

I went to London town
where I met some strange creatures
some seemed somewhat human
but some had star trek features

I saw some animals at the zoo
an elephant and a kangaroo
(well thats not true
as they don't have elephants due
to environmental considerations, the noo)
but one strange creature I met and heard coo
was the lesser-spotted humpty backed herbivorous moo
(sorry but I was drinking snake bite at the time of writing this. Does it sound like Spike Milligna, the well known typing error?)

8/25/2006 2:15:19 PM

I am thinking of investing in a syrup to take 10 years off Me.
I think I would suit ginger.
Any suggestions?

8/25/2006 2:11:59 PM

Most people don't think I look My age.
Most people think I look about 97

8/25/2006 2:10:03 PM

Apart from My slave and angelkiss how come very other "NE sub" on here is a muppet?

8/25/2006 2:54:00 AM

she crossed the road and vanished into the crowd
as a drop of rain vanishes into the river
as a grain of sand vanishes into the desert





8/20/2006 1:57:56 PM

The "Textbook sub"
A lot of profiles on here say that they aren't "textbook subs".
However, I approve of "textbook subs".
A sub doesn't do what you she's told?
You strike her repeatedly on the arse with a copy of Gibbons "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire".
Pretty soon she's obedient and a perfect example of a textbook sub.

8/17/2006 10:37:24 PM

hello my name is littleonethathidesinthecornereatingtunafish I'm not currently looking but if I was I'd relocate but only for a long term 24/7.
If I was looking (which I'm NOT) it would be for the dom of my life. He must be over 7 foot tall, have long blond hair, be a concert pianist who speaks Hungarian and have a gsoh.
I'm a masochist, looking for a sadist who is also a balloonist.I'm experienced in bondage wandage, verbiage and cheese dip.
I'm currently under the protection of Sir Dontgetoutalot". He reads all messages. Very slowly. Whilst moving his lips.
I'm just here to look around and waste some more time of my miserable life as Corries not on yet
Don't contact me in any way. Don't even LOOK at me. Stop that!
I'll report you!
this is a poem what I wrote that sums up how I feel about bdsm:

I wanderd forever into the night
and ther he was my handsome knight
so gorgous with his piano in sight
but he had a big wip that gave me a fright
I had worn my best rubber dress and asked if that was allright
and he said "It is my deer. you look a delight
then he reached over to me and gave me a bite
of his ice cream

Have a great daydont forget its the first day of the rest of your life until the last day of your life so live your life, because life is for living
And be kind to puppies.
Xlittleone

8/17/2006 10:27:06 PM

I've now waited  three days for photo approval.
It's of My slave and myself and we're both fully clothed and neither of us is doing anything perverted.
I'm not responsible for what the sheep is doing.

8/16/2006 4:23:16 PM

You say I'm a c*nt like its a bad thing......

8/16/2006 2:13:38 AM

I love it when My slave, she smiles
or My name she'll mention,
I even love her when she's got
f*cking premenstrual tension


8/15/2006 9:12:03 PM

Don't you just love labels?
"Perfectly preserved mummies"
No they aren't
If you saw someone walking down the street that looked like these "Perfectly preserved mummies" you wouldn't say "hey you look perfect".
Unless your ideal was a guy with a face like a pepperoni pizza. Oh it is?
What are you doing saturday?

8/14/2006 8:03:42 AM

I'm a sadist. I enjoy inflicting pain. In a scene. With a masochist...
I try to love women and Be Nice.
I  try not to inflict pain outside of a scene. Emotional or physical.
 I like women. I cherish them. Their aspect, their wit, their appearance. Not all of them, obviously.
Some are rancid.
Some vanillas are far more sadistic than I am. 24/7. Routinely and non-consensually.And they think they're "normal"

8/14/2006 1:11:57 AM

here I sit
in My room
with My cat
and My spoon
all My friends
in cyberspace
they don't need
to see My face
I'll show this photo
a random theft
I have made
from the internet
I have so many
lovers again
seven last week
or was it ten?
all are cultured
all are well
they don't complain
about My smell
they don't see
the pizza boxes
such a lot
attracting foxes
you really must
forgive Me but anothers due
and full of lust
is that the door?
grab handle, twist
"Hello, I'm your
psychiatrist"






8/12/2006 5:09:18 PM

Military Intelligence
Two words that should never exist in the same sentence.

8/12/2006 11:50:46 AM

Am I Keyser Soze?

8/11/2006 11:33:29 AM

Fantasy and Reality-The Difference
Actually I prefer reality.
It mightn't have as many candles and velvet, but its usually more fun.
If you have a castle/hotel/caravan/house its much easier to do dirty stuff. But if you haven't, and the kids are on holiday, you need to be creative.
If the weathers good, then al fresco is an attractive option. (No Al Fresco doesn't run the garage down the road)
That's if you can avoid the flies that seem to think the scent of bodily fluids mean a free lunch
No formal venue, so we take a walk to the wildfowl refuge. This is useful as it has log cabin style bird hides, but first of all one has to circumnavigate those people who have nothing better to do than stare at ducks.
Actually it was worse than that.There were these two guys with ENORMOUS zoom lenses who appeared to be excitedly photographing...a tree.
So we passed by these, nudging each other to find that the first potential venue was locked and barred. This was possibly due to it being used for purposes for which it was not designed. Tut.
Walked somewhat further than planned, slave rather elegantly on her spiky heels, which look great on the club floor, but are less good on  mud and gravel.
Venue two. whoo hoo. Its empty.
Down to business.... Sorry I mean....her elegant soft form prostrated itself before her Master and threw herself on His mercy. This would be the last time she forgot the sandwiches.
Bit of forced oral. Yum. Found that she had neglected to bring her collar.
Oh dear will have to punish her.
Never mind. Luckily there's a wooden bench over there and I brought lots of nice/horrible whacky things, so punishment commenced until slave's buttocks were appropriately crimson.
Footsteps on the boards outside....
Somehow when the father and daughter walked in Master and slave were at opposite ends of the large hide. I had actually brought a camera (useful to photo ducks and gobblers) so I almost looked the part. I must have found ornithology exciting though, as My fly was still undone, as was My belt. Never mind, they're British so they don't notice.
More footsteps.
Middle aged couple number two join father and daughter.
More footsteps.
The tree-photographers now enter the hide in search of more exciting leafy subjects.
It is now resembling the crowded cabin sequence from the Marx Brothers'" A Night at the Opera".
Time to leave, which we do discretely.
Well- as discretely as you can while one half of a perverted couple is vainly trying to conceal her soaking wet skirt and the Other Half is vainly trying to pretend his erection is a concealed 200 mm lens.
I shall have to think harder about the next venue. I know a very nice wall in the middle of a public park......
 

8/11/2006 1:39:34 AM

I have no friends, this much is true
I've no friends called sally, mary or moo
but if I had, they'd all be chaste
(not chased) (what a waste)


8/11/2006 1:34:39 AM

and this is an entry about strong cheese that makes you wheeze and sneeze
(cheese should be chilled, but please don't freeze)

8/11/2006 1:32:13 AM

this is one to ward off disease

8/11/2006 1:31:24 AM

this is a log entry in praise of mushy peas

8/11/2006 1:30:41 AM

and this is another one

8/11/2006 1:30:21 AM

This is a superfluous log entry

8/10/2006 1:31:26 PM

I have a few dear cherished friends
and one of them is moo-zie
she goes to church and sings sweet hymns
but she's a proper floozie

she kidnaps scotchmen on the tube
puts them into her Ford-Ka
persuades them all to drop their kilts
by plying them with Vod-ka

I have a friend whose name is moo
she is a total raver
she likes to play the highland games
whilst tossing off his caber

her heart it roams deep in the lochs
(but not the lochs for which keys are needed)
her scotsman came(!) her scotsman went
but she was left unseeded

I have a friend, her name is moo
she's hot and she's a charmer
she likes the stiff ones oh so much
she's off to an embalmer

Her Highland lad,back to the glens
He's 6 feet 10 she winces
but she'll not dwell on those six feet
she'll dwell on those 10 inches

8/10/2006 10:09:16 AM

Words cannot express My feelings towards My slave.
So instead I'm trying numbers: "23,3,789,09.65".
*The level of intelligence in the bdsm cyber community seems lower than in other groups-anglers for example-or is that just how it looks from on My throne*

8/10/2006 5:09:13 AM

When you're telling the world how bright you are, its probably a good idea to spell the word "intelligent" the way the rest of us do

8/10/2006 5:08:06 AM

"AM SUZZY FROM UNITED KINGDOM I DO WORK WITH A COFFE COMPANY, AM 29YEARS OF AGE, I DO STAY WITH MY FRIENDS BECOS AM AN ORHANS. "
bring it on!!!!

8/10/2006 3:09:53 AM

I see we're back to it taking 3 weeks to get out photos approved.
If I was another teenage lesbian who wanted to find a Mistress, eat grass and have her nipples removed, I'll bet I'd have my picture approved by now.

8/9/2006 2:06:03 PM

"Love means never having to say you're sorry." (Erich Segal)
"Bend over bitch" works much better (Sir B'stard)

8/9/2006 1:55:38 PM

I've come across too many unworthy subs and slaves.....and I've come into more than a few

8/9/2006 9:21:33 AM

"inteligent BBW"....roflmfao!!!!!

8/9/2006 6:56:12 AM

Actually, with a very few exceptions you ARE all worms who aren't fit to lick My boots. Domspeak was right after all.
"Subs and slaves?"
Most of you hardly ever leave that miserable flithy little, Kit-Kat wrapper stewn coffee stained, fag-smelling room where you tap at your keys and play with yourselves
The ones who ARE fit to lick My boots, feel free to approach with eyes downcast, pert breasts, etc etc.
The rest of you are merely smudges on My lens. Begone dross and die miserably.

8/9/2006 6:19:58 AM

here's one:
"Hi. I am seeking active genuine destruction. Permanent scarring and damage to my my body.
Espc my face, tits and genitals."
Can this be the once-talented Michael Jackson?

8/9/2006 5:30:47 AM

Help Wanted:
I have some leather riding boots (horse variety) but theyre incredibly difficult to get on-as in-tight (not around the foot-theyre the right size there-its the calves that are tight
is there a technique to this-Takes ages to get them on and off
? Any horsey perverts out there with a solution?

8/9/2006 4:12:30 AM

There's a new profile on here from someone who says she's "not into anything perverse"
I sent a message saying, simply:
"Are you lost?"
and she says "
Hang on a moment . yes.  no. oh yes here it comes, I think, i'm laughing. HA! yep you were clever wernt you; making me do that? can I sugest you go and find a personality.Then  approch people with some respect!" 
Tsk.
Some people

8/9/2006 3:27:45 AM

I must have hidden 60% of the profiles here.Bogus,bogus,bogus. Its an epidemic.
Oh and TV's -sorry guys you aren't really women, so I'm not really sure what you're doing in the girly section.
Live and let live. Nothing personal, but if you have something dangling between your legs that is neither a strap-on nor some rather fetching metalware, then you're a bloke.

8/8/2006 4:44:50 PM

About 1/2 of the profiles on here are bollocks
and yet there are damn fine submissive females with no Doms
Hello CM staff. Any chance you can vet these duff ones (19 year old lesbians mainly)
I mean, any decent Dom will give up on this site if it gets flooded with too much crap, and then the Real People In Need have to go without.
I got Mine, but there are people still looking. Some of them are really Quite Nice.
They deserve a break.
There's a lot of dumbf*cks out there who ruin it for the rest.
Kill them all.

8/8/2006 1:12:26 PM

Today My slave was wearing a black t shirt, under which was a rather fine black bra, a short white skirt, sexy black boots with heels and a white skirt...with a bloodstain......and no knickers (of course...)
She looked gorgeous, in a slutty kind of way
I only mention these things as theres a rumour around that I don't notice.

8/8/2006 1:40:52 AM
amongst the new profiles there is yet another "teenage female"  looking for a "generous man b4 weekend"
So am I dear, if you find one who doesn't want to put his hands down My pants gimme a shout.....

8/7/2006 1:17:58 PM

Hint number #212
When adding a picture to your profile try to avoid showing the tv set (switched on). (Makes it seem like its never switched off)
Patterned curtains: Something like the Last Supper or the Bayeux tapestry is ok (especially if its original)-the floral job you got from the car boot (swap meet) isn't.

8/7/2006 9:44:19 AM

Another rash of "lesbian submissive 18 year old slaves"
Must be the school holidays......lol

8/7/2006 9:17:24 AM
 I do NOTmean that I consider My bitch to be deficient in any pretty, witty, sweet and flirty aspects,
Just in case anyone should misinterpret My lovely poem

8/6/2006 10:44:23 PM

I like a drink, this much is true, and the beer that's truly Duff
But most of all I like it when she kneels n' I treat her rough
I love those Little Britain guys, I love it when they're joking
But most of all I love to hear My bitch spluttering and choking
I love the sunny summer days and those gorgeous deep blue skies
But most of all I love it when I thrash her and she cries
I love Paris, London and Sunderland. These are all great cities
But I'd give them all to spend an hour torturing My slave's titties,
I like My bitch to be oh so pretty, witty, sweet and flirty
But mostly I prefer one like Mine who longs to be treated-dirty

8/6/2006 10:17:40 PM

hey a "browse photo" option.
now the world of cybersex is complete. No locations to be searched-just thousands of random faces, and what wonderful faces most of them are.
Why-most of them seem almost human!

8/6/2006 3:42:00 PM

When I said "beastly perversions" I didn't mean-well-you know-I mean that would be against the rules and besides I only ever have sex with things with two legs
That still leaves chimps and kangaroos of course

8/6/2006 1:48:09 PM

oooo back to reality and ready for some jolly beastly perversions

8/5/2006 3:23:27 AM

Sometimes things aren't how we'd like them to be, they're how they are, and until the turn of a friendly card we have to play the hand we have.
Whingeing about it is always unattractive.
So if its ok with everyone, I won't, as I'm so attractive it hurts

8/4/2006 6:18:08 AM
In a muddy field, missing my slave.

7/31/2006 12:36:31 PM

I know that there's a lot of REAL perverts out there, as you can't pretend when you go to an event.
I mean -you're really there.
On here, you might be really here and you might not.
Lots of club people don't seem to be on any of the sites, and I don't blame them for that. At least you know where you are when you're talking face to face. Refreshing really. the club stuff- to see that some people really are genuine.
 Not that some of them aren't full of crap, but its genuine 100% real world crap.
You don't get some 60 year old fat bloke coming up to you and saying "hi there, I'm a 17 year old schoolgirl . My name is Mandy" .
I mean, he'd look a bit foolish.

7/31/2006 2:39:57 AM

I'm thinking of doing this cyber thing
You know, when you describe a life that  has:-
1.a harem of lesbian bisexual 18 year old slaves
or alternatively:
2. your One True Master who has a villa in Beirut and a steam powered yacht
Reality?
I've seen it, its rubbish

7/27/2006 2:18:41 PM

Having informed My slave concerning the willy caught in deck chair predicament AND after having sent her some pics to show the sticking plaster on my tragically damaged todger I was met with the response:
"i can't help feeling that the punctuation in your journal entry (concerning the above incident) was rather poor"
May I point out that I typed the entry in question entry with a bandaged scrotum.
....well, I mean, not literally-I mean I used my fingers to type it, but....you know what I mean......
I believe my slave's unsympathetic response what is known as "topping from the bottom"

7/26/2006 8:33:28 AM

trapped my willy in the sprung loaded metal folding action of a deck chair
dramatic penis piercing panic
now I know how it feels I couldn't possibly cause pain to anyone ever again
oh go on then............

7/25/2006 11:55:28 AM

Sorry but I fail to see how anyone's Master can be called "Kevin"

7/25/2006 4:05:27 AM

ooooh and I invented a new product!
and it wasn't yet lunchtime
I'm on a roll

7/25/2006 2:18:14 AM

..someone should use a bullwhip to whip away the bullsh*t from this site....

7/25/2006 2:16:40 AM

Well thats another six bullwhips off to the USA. I sell a lot of these to America. They must whip a lot of bulls

7/21/2006 1:11:27 PM

Speaking of cameras....I've been known to take a few pics in my time. Some even above the waist
Although there's a rush for more and more resolution in your digicams, I have to say that the most flattering pics are usually portraits taken with the cheapest nastiest blurriest cameras.
 I mean-who wants to see every wrinkle and zit?
In the good old days, when cameras had film in 'em, people used to use soft focus lenses and smear, er "stuff" on the lens to make a romantic haze.
These days, just use a naff camera.
Of course webcams are the best of all.
I've seen some veritable wildebeest transformed into gloriously gorgeous visions, complete with phosphorescent glowing halos,   just by taking a webcam shot.
And of course, if you just shoot your head, nobody ever needs to know about the body.......

7/21/2006 8:10:24 AM

Good old Royal Mail
I buy a camera from Ebay
I don't need yet another camera, but this one comes with a memory card and stuff that I do need, and the price for that lot is a steal
So I get back and check toady's mail which has just arrived, it includes a plastic bag with a "so sorry we lost your some of your stuff" note from Royal Mail 
Yes the bits I needed were gone.
The camera was there though.
The one I didn't need....

7/19/2006 4:15:54 PM

mnnnnn
theres this romantic bs about "Masters and slaves"
so that it becomes the goal of each to "find" the other
but the difficulty of finding and maintaining one in the real world, is so hard, that lots choose Fantasy Island.
Probably most.
How sad...

7/19/2006 8:58:02 AM

moo your profile's not even a likkle bit bollocks.
If it was you'd deny the suggestion vehemently. and accuse your accuser of having a small penis/ overly large vaginas
and your picture would be of some random prom queen that some troglodyte pinched off the net.
As it is, I don't think thats where your pics came from
and your profile would say "NO MEN! CAN'T YOU READ"
 ......and you'd have no wit.
I rest My case

7/19/2006 8:42:29 AM
"Pain looks good on other people; that's what they're for."
..................................................................
"Fight crime. Shoot back."
................................................................
Never sign a contract including any of the phrases "sort of", kind of", or "and stuff".
.............................................................
Boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
.................................................................
The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her ribcage.
..............................................................
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
..............................................................
Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by incapacity.
..............................................................
I'll heal your wounds, I'll set you free; I'm Jesus Christ on ecstasy

7/19/2006 5:22:08 AM

'Twas a hot afternoon
July around noon
And I was a demon
The slave was afraid
as my instruments played
on her thighs that were steamin'








7/17/2006 7:18:15 AM

I have decided to leave My mind for a while.
I though long and hard about this, but decided that it was for the best.
My mind and I hadn't been seeing eye to eye, in my mind's eye, for some time.
Leave all messages at Sunnyview Nursing Home for the Totally Bonkers, in Barking.
If you want to meet up, it'll have to be the next evening we have a full moon, when I'll turn myself into ectoplasm and slip under the door.
Do I look good in this hat, by the way? Its made from tin foil and it protects my brain from alien microwaves.
Oh hello nurse!....You want to stick that syringe where?

7/17/2006 3:52:54 AM

Historical and Inspirational Quotes:
"God must have loved the plain people; He made so many of them."

Abraham Lincoln
"God must have loved the dumbf*cks, too. Theyre pretty numerous. Are they breeding?"
Sir B'stard


7/17/2006 3:30:23 AM

Sorry, I'm out of My mind right now.
Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you when the chlorpromazine kicks in. 

7/17/2006 3:28:27 AM

I suppose if you're hogtied and gagged and suspended from the ceiling then you've an excuse for not getting out much.
What about the rest of you?

7/15/2006 5:58:18 AM

Ok. Put your hand up if your profile is utter bollocks.
Alright, you lot? You're in detention.

7/15/2006 2:58:35 AM

ahem
It has been pointed out to Me that My profile now says I live in "D"
I don't. I live in Durham.
Hey collarme dudes, whats the point in knowing what the first letter of someone's location?
Unless towns are to be grouped alphabetically in Mr Blairs New Improved Police State....

7/14/2006 8:23:31 AM

Sometimes, and more than once, I have wondered whether its worth ploughing through the fakes, the cheats, the airheads, the fantasists.
...sometimes.
But then
One afternoon, with the sun filtering through the trees, making the earth look like the bottom of the sea
a spectral light
phosphorescent
holding the hand of another
...sometimes
a ceremony in the woods
human juices melting into tree sap
flowing into a blanket of dead pine needles
a celebration of lust. perversity and chlorophyll
makes it all
worthwhile


7/14/2006 12:43:56 AM

"I am the grand exalted High Majah of Raspur, a non-existent but real sounding country"
What's Up Tiger Lily? (1966)

7/13/2006 12:03:44 PM
The Ultimate Brownie is my absolute favourite brownie.
INGREDIENTS:
  • 8- 1 ounce squares of unsweetened chocolate
  • 1 cup butter
  • 5 eggs
  • 3 cups sugar
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla
  • 1-1/2 cups cornflour
  • 1 teaspoon salt

    oops

 


7/12/2006 2:29:34 PM

"Well, it looks like I finally found someone who likes to play as rough as I do."
Raven-Streets of Fire-1984

I love movie quotes.
But not as much as I love people who write in black on a purple background so you can't read their profiles

7/12/2006 7:15:30 AM

A hillside in the sun
your back was a trojan wall
Impassable. forbidding
I had brought many weapons but tearing down your many stones
Was not what I needed
I needed you to open your doors
And let me in
The sun shone down on our battlefield
Water glinted on the surface of the duckpond
Children laughed
I looked at your back
Impassable. forbidding
I considered ladders
I considered grappling hooks
I considered Russell Crowe in a leather skirt
(but I suspect that was merely a gay moment)
I considered packing up and going home
in defeat
Then you threw opened your doors
your back became your front
Haven't I seen those hills before?
The siege was over.
You had surrendered unconditionally and thrown yourself upon My mercy
I looked deeply into your soft brown eyes, moist with tears...

Then I cut off your head and put it on a pointy stick outside the city walls
That'll teach you, you bitch
X

7/11/2006 1:52:53 AM
Life is struggle. We need to struggle to know that we are alive. Life is conflict. Without conflict and challenge we do not learn and grow. If life is easy, perhaps we are doing it wrong.

7/6/2006 1:03:44 PM

Like so many others on collarme I'm only here to "make friends".
So far in my "making friends" box I have two spare heads, two left legs and a right arm. Anyone care to swap these for a set of DD breasts and a curly blonde wig?

7/6/2006 8:00:02 AM
If you go down in the woods today,
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down in the woods today,
You'd better go in disguise
(perhaps an all in one  pvc teddy).

Scening time for pervy slaves
The little pervy slaves are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them on their naughty holiday.

Every sub who's never been good
Is sure of a treat today.
There's lots of marvelous things to eat
And wonderful games to play.

Beneath the trees where nobody sees
They'll sigh and shriek as long as they please
'Cause that's the way the naughty slaves have their butts whipped.

Scening time for pervy slaves
The little pervy slaves are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them on their naughty holiday.

For every Dom that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day the pervy slaves have their butts whipped.


Scening time for pervy slaves
The little pervy slaves are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them on their naughty holiday.


See them gaily pant and pout.
They love to moan and shout.
And everything is quite bear.

At six o'clock their Dommies and Masters
Will take them home to bed,
Because they're tired little pervy slaves.

7/6/2006 1:10:04 AM

Warned of the imminent film career of one ex dear friend of mine, I catch sight of a MTV dating show and there she is, looking quite lovely (I have to say that as She might read this).
Was that it then?
15 minutes of fame?
Not even short-listed for the BB house?
...............................................................
You know, some time ago, and more than once, I was asked to appear on TV in a "Lifestyle Show".
I now have a set answer: I told them I didn't have any interest in appearing on a programme to satisfy the prurient interest of curtain twitchers.
I mean who appears on these programmes anyway? Who on earth would expose themselves to that.
People with no jobs and no families, obviously. People who like being pointed at in the streets by pointy headed proleteriats. Rejects from the Jeremy Kyle show?
That narrows it down a bit. Or sex industry professionals who want to drum up some trade. That must give a somewhat unrealistic sample of Lifestyle Members to the great unwashed British Public
 Besides, I have more of a face for radio.

7/6/2006 1:05:01 AM

Trolling happily along, singing the trolling song...I come across (not literally, it messes up the keyboard) lots of ads from people who live in random cities called "k", "l", "n" and so on, and so forth.
Obviously, these ads placed by the same sad bloke with no imagination and , worse still, no atlas.
Disturbingly I now find one of the latest alphabet city adverts has a clue in "her" name.
Their handle incorporates the name of a city, and , disturbingly, it is the city where I was born....(well it wasn't a city then, it was a bunch of mud huts)...that city is Sunderland.
So, I'm obviously not the only timewasting loser to come from there then.

7/5/2006 5:21:39 AM

Question of the Day:
What is the term for a male "bbw" ?
Supplementary question
Why do they usually wear football shirts two sizes too small for them?
Other supplementary question
Why do they take out a membership of the gym to lose weight and get fit, yet insist on parking right up to the door of the supermaket so they don't have to do any of that walking about stuff?
Supplementary question three
Why don't I get on with some work instead of doing this?

7/5/2006 12:38:51 AM

The leather leaves its laser lick
roadways on her marbled plain
tracks that show My lust and love
she writhes and bucks under the pain

Cross-hatched flesh with furrowed path
she turns and twists under the crop
her hands move vainly to her breasts
to a whistling tune that never stops

her body knelt amidst the storm
now calmness flows, her head is straight
all hurt subsides and all fear passes
her hand outstretched.Opens the gate


7/3/2006 1:35:01 PM

This really doesn't have anything to do with bdsm....
We have a government that has rubber-stamped more Draconian laws than existed when Hitler was knocking at our door.
It seems that if you're Brazilian, or if you have a beard, you're target practice for MP5's and we have to be "grateful" for the vigilance of the security forces.
These are the same security forces whose "vigilance" failed to detect the twin towers plots or the plans to blow up half of London.
Is the idea to kill random suspects before they even get the idea of attacking us?
I have every confidence in this govenment and its agencies
After all, if I didn't, and I said I didn't, who knows who might kick my door in at 2 a.m.?
This is Quarmby signing off.


7/3/2006 3:25:43 AM

Ebay:you can flog all sorts on there.
But they won't let you flog your slave on there....
How unenlightened

7/3/2006 3:23:42 AM

slave returned of own free will.
Not that she has any.
As a punishment I won't punish her.
Well not for a little while.....

6/30/2006 5:41:11 AM

I suspect My slave has escaped on my fastest horse.
Reward for the return of the horse.
(JOKING!...ffs......)

6/30/2006 3:04:43 AM
Trolling  the ads to see the most "inventive" new ones I come across  "i am a female seeking for a master". The advertiser describes herself as "gay Native American slave" weighing 55lbs and living in "Glascow". 
Now I'm betting there's not too many of those around.

6/28/2006 6:53:36 AM

I am now officially Master of the Universe (decided by the High Rulers of Zog, unaminously).
I am available to answer all questions.
I have all the answers to all questions which have plagued the minds of ancient philosophers and chefs.
They are written down in this little book.
Form a queue.
No pushing in.

6/28/2006 4:51:03 AM

"Some people are like Slinkies. They have no practical use whatsoever, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. "
(This is a quote, but I can't find who said it-any ideas?-it should have been Me, but it wasn't)

6/28/2006 1:12:11 AM

Just spotted this on the IC message board. Its a thread about the "top 10 bdsm songs"
"This (Manic Street Preachers song) is not about bdsm, it's about the naiveté of the communist intellectual elite during the Spanish Civil War. I don't see where you see the bdsm references in it; I'm pretty sure none of the Manics' songs are about bdsm."
I really don't make this stuff up. People really do write it. Honest

6/28/2006 12:41:03 AM

You may own the fastest cars or bikes-you may be filthy rich
but you don't have what I have, coz you don't own B'stards bitch


6/27/2006 8:50:06 AM

Isn't language interesting:
"Sexual Preference": What on earth does this mean?
When I say I prefer sweet potatoes to parsnips thats what I mean. I quite like them both but I prefer one to the other.
When I say I have a sexual prerference for rough sex with women, this does not mean that I prefer rough sex with women to gentle, cuddly sex with men. I don't fancy the idea of sex with men at all. Any kind. Yeuk.Urrrrgh.
Homosexuality and parsnips are just not the same thing.
I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.

6/27/2006 8:10:07 AM

My bitch described my last pic as "horrible",so, manipulated as I am... I have changed it... again.
I took this with my new toy- a  Sony FD91 and ran the image through Repligator.
That's just in case anyone out there thinks its not really Me...

6/26/2006 7:08:17 AM

Bdsm: what does it mean?
To some people it means honesty and respect. Honesty and respect begin in the mind. Then honesty and respect are transported via the lymphatic system to the feet and ankles
To others bdsm means a lifestyle orientated subculture with important codes and ethics.
To me, however, it's all about kinky sex.

6/26/2006 6:55:18 AM

My apologies to anyone I messaged who I had already blocked, so they couldn't reply to me and had to create a new account to do so. then blocked me so I couldn't apologise. Are you following this...
You want me to do what with that broomstick?
Why, I'm not sure thats even anatomically possible...

6/26/2006 4:05:16 AM

Don't you just hate it when friends decide to moove on?

6/26/2006 3:45:19 AM

You live your life in the words you read
on the MSN Late Night Show .
And when a young girl doesn't have any friends
that's a really nice place to go.
Folks hoping you'd turn out cool
but they had to take you outta school.
You're a little touched you know, cyberbaby.

(apologies to Helen Reddy)

6/26/2006 2:56:34 AM

My name is SirScarypants. I am an experienced Dom looking for a 19 year old bisexual painslut to visit me in my dungeon when my mum goes out shopping

6/26/2006 2:54:13 AM

I am a 19 year old bisexual painslut looking for other slaves for my Master, NO MEN

6/26/2006 2:52:18 AM

I am an experienced masochist, but have been hurt in the past

6/26/2006 2:50:36 AM

I love horses am looking for a stable relationship

6/26/2006 2:46:45 AM

Happy Monday everyone!
One needs to be careful how one writes a profile on here
There are rules about naughty language, saying bad things about others, having pics that depict nipples, rules about depicting bondage (seems reasonable, this is merely a bdsm site after all)
So how come there are no rules whatsoever about having a profile that is utter bollocks?
I shall suggest to the administrators that they change the profile admmission procedure to include a box to be ticked before submitting a profile.
Just like this:
Is this profile utter bollocks?. If it is, please tick the box.
or, alternatively-
we regret we cannot accept, at the present time, profiles that are utter bollocks
That would save us all an awful lot of reading utter bollocks.
Hands up who agrees?

6/25/2006 4:47:06 AM

A rather brilliant evening last night at The Dungeon in Stanley, County Durham with most convivial companions (hello angelkiss).
As this was my second visit they deducted my membership fee automatically. This means I am now a member. And I wasn't even asked whether I wanted to become one.
Previously I would have donned my battered top hat, shouted "bah humbug" , spun on my heel and walked out of the door. And kicked Bob Scratchit in the nuts on the way out.
Previously I always quoted the great, the wonderful Graucho Marx: "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. "
However, in this case I will make an exception (but Mr. Marx, if you're listening 99.9% of the time you're dead right)

6/22/2006 8:53:05 AM

When a Doms a little poorly
and his muscles all are flaccid
when he's not up for driking blood
without recourse to antacid

when he can't be fetched for flogging
and torturing's a chore
my goodness, is there owt to see that's such a crashing bore?

when a Dom's a little poorly
or feverish with chills
he ought to take hence to His bed
and swallow lots of pills

What a Dom, He ought to do-
and quote me on this, surely
He should seal himself inside his shed
and stay there till he's not poorly

When a Dom is out of sorts
and he's looking rather glum
He should climb into a hermits cave
til he's ready to whip a bum

When a Doms a little poorly
and feeling waves of sadness
He should sail away in an open boat
until he regains his madness

And if perchance he comes upon
an island full of slaves
waving thongs and  knickers
He should dive right in the waves

(thanks wenchy for supplying the last line. I was stuck)







6/22/2006 2:18:00 AM

Please post any poetry requests through my agents: Sue Grabbit and Runne, just off Queer Street.
There's a thing:
"Queer Street". Not, you may think a phrase in any way connected to sexual preferences.
Queer street: To be in queer street means to be in financial trouble. The origin here is said to be the habit of traders putting a query (?) against the name of customers with suspected financial problems. In my 1811 dictionary, however, the saying only implied that something was wrong or improper. There was no sense of financial element then. What it does say is:
'Wrong. Improper. Contrary to one's wish. It is queer street, a cant phrase, to signify that it is wrong or different to our wish.'
(courtesy The Phrase Finder website).
So therefore we are all in Queer Street.All of us improper souls.
Even the ones of us who don't have £5,000 overdrafts.

6/21/2006 7:45:15 AM

Hey guys its poetry
albeit bad poetry
It doesn't mean I'm sitting here with a handful of pills and a bottle of vodka
well...maybe the vodka.....

6/21/2006 1:39:13 AM

The morning sun shines greyly through porridgey clouds
the night was long and dark and cold.
A new day scolds me with a wagging finger.
and yet...
Though lights may dim and  freezing winds threaten to snuff my last smouldering candle
I see you.
A lightship.
Incandescent.

6/20/2006 7:16:35 AM

Does anyone out there know whether one should address a Mistress who one is Domming as a domme or a Domme.
Or is she a Sub, with a capital "S"
Whilst I am Domming a Pro Domme should I:
A.Do it for free
B. charge her a fixed fee, or
C. Deduct a percentage of what she gets from her clients.
If I am Domming a Domme, am I entitled to use two "D"s at the start of my title, to emphasise my increased DDomlyness or does this sound too Welsh?
If I am Domming a Pro Domme, should she not, whilst scening, be addressed as a Pro domme, and amend her stationery appropriately?.
I fear that my performance whilst Domming a Domme, might be badly affected by my concerns regarding the above protocols.
Please help.
(No urgency, as mummy isn't letting me out until I've tidied my room)

Oh sorry, I thought this was a message board

6/19/2006 1:29:46 AM

I have removed my Martian Warlord pic as people were making rude noises about my helmet

6/18/2006 1:12:28 AM

This is me wearing my Warlord of Mars ceremonial hat. Are you trembling yet?

6/15/2006 1:51:04 PM

I am starting my own "lifestyle" group .
It is based on the writings of a writer who wrote in the 1950's. The writer who wrote in the 1950's was called Edgar Rice Krispies.
Sorry.
That should be Edgar Rice Burroughs.
We have vacancies for slave girls, warriors,dungeon keepers, executioners, serving maids and gynaecologists
I am the first Warlord of Mars.
Join me!
Let us go forth into the deserts of Goggolfrottle where the scary Weeble-Beasts stalk the land. We will hunt for our food, as men of out tribe have done for generations.
Oh bugger my dole's late.
Anyone got a pound for the trolley?

6/15/2006 8:19:53 AM
There are some delightful new profiles on here, with model-looking young gels- strangely their locations are given as "B", "K" "L" and "M". Two of these nubile wenches live in "K" town so I guess its rush our down there.
Now if I didn't know better I'd say these profiles were written by the same bloke who is too bored and stupid to look in the dictionary for place names so he opened the Scrabble box instead.
Instead of checking the photos for a flash of nipple or a handcuffed wrist, it might be a better idea for administration to work out whether the towns of K,L and M are really on a map.
Next stop Alphabet City.....

6/14/2006 8:33:51 AM

"What manner of man is Giacomo Ha ha! I shall tell you what manner of man is he. He lives for a sigh, he dies for a kiss, he lusts for the laugh, ha! He never walks when he can leap! He never flees when he can fight (thud) oop! He swoons at the beauty of a rose. And I offer myself to you, all of me. My heart. My lips. My legs. My calves. Do what you will - my love endures. Beat me. Kick me. (kiss, kiss) I am yours. "
Danny Kaye, "The Court Jester" (1956)
"A jester unemployed is nobody's fool!"

6/12/2006 12:59:04 AM

I'm only laughing on the outside
My smile is just skin deep 
If you could see inside I'm really crying
You might join me for a weep.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

The Joker-"Batman" (1989)

Vicki Vale: Some people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.
Batman: He's psychotic.
Vicki Vale: Some people say the same about you.
Batman: What people?
Vicki Vale: Well, face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?
Batman: This isn't exactly a normal world, is it?-
"Batman" (1989)



6/9/2006 12:36:06 AM

I like to write in poetry
Though some, I feel choose mope-ery,
If My little verse offends
I'll smack its arse to make amends,
I'll send it to bed without its tea
and when it sobs I'll sing hey diddle dee,
I'll hang it by its little thumbs
I'll stick tin tacks into its bum(s,)
I'll scold my verses 'til they shake
Deprived of pudding and of cake,
They'll learn by ordeal and of strife
Faced with death, to Get a Life.

6/7/2006 1:02:35 AM

I was just sitting here, moosing about nothing in particular, listening to my favourite band-Bo Vine and the Milkmaids, when a thought occured to me:when you get horny and your mind drifts to a place udder than that place it should be-why have a cow about it?
And the moral of this story is: Things are never black and white, unless youre an American police car or a Holstein.

When its very hot and the weathers nice and steamy
I drink a glass of ice-cold milk thats oh so very creamy

But when the weather's cold and the snow makes it unpleasin'
I climb into my jersey, which makes me much less fresian

Some cows they are domestic, some cows are nice and mild
But some cows have to be shot when they run on the motorway and get very wild

But mostly cows are very lovely, I miss them in the town
they have flies that buzz around them, and big sweet eyes that's brown

But theres a cow thats not just meat, I love her most sincerely
not that I do animals, I better state that clearly

There's a special friend of mine thats not just goods and chattle
Shes animal its true, but she's not like other cattle

If my words moove you to tears, and your spirit starts to churn
remember this my trusty friend:both cows and cowmen learn



6/5/2006 11:16:33 AM

Hello, I'm Sir B'stard
I'm cuddly and soft and not at all hard
I'll keep you so safe from all that you fear
and never ever cause you to shed a tear
I'll keep you in the shed which  I will keep barred

Hello I'm Sir B'stard
A screaming mad sadist who'll leave you all scarred
I'll truss you like a turkey
turn your hide into jerky
and sell off your bits by the yard

Hello, I'm Sir B'stard
here eat this marshmallow-or is it some lard?
you can't make it out, as your eyes I've wrapped tightly
I can Dom you at teatime, and thence on twice nightly

You may think I'm awful-you may think I'm worse
You may think I need a psychiatric nurse
Those heads in my fridge?-theyre just ornamental
My needs are not great of the Services Mental

I just need my chlorpromazine served in a bucket
and hide your pet poodle, or I'll just have to f*ck it
I'm not really that bad, I'm not really a loon
as long as you hide every knife fork and spoon

My name is Sir B'stard
I eat babies-I'm so avant-garde
I'll scoff your pussy for pudding
when its been in the oven
at 180 degrees 'til its charred



6/5/2006 1:44:21 AM

hmmnnnn
another week another "FEMALES ONLY PLEASE" profile from a 19 year old
This one says  "Torture me with only limit of long term damage(eg toe nail removal fine as not long term). "
errrrrrrrrrrr......

6/5/2006 1:41:38 AM

updating pix (again)
Note to self: I must stop buying cameras........

6/4/2006 2:41:02 PM

A single, solitary word would sum up most (but NOT all....) of these profiles.
and that word is vacuous
“The narrow, swinelike eyes were open, no more vacuous in death than they had been in life” (Nicholas Proffitt).

6/4/2006 4:37:04 AM

There once was a time, before I was a perv,
When I used just to dream of being in lurve,
But no girls would kiss me or ask me to dance
Though I asked them in Iceland, in Poland and France
They'd look at me coldly and give me a sneer
So I'd cry in a corner with a gallon of beer
But now that I'm older, all crinkly and fat
I don't hear them laughing. I get none of that
They queue for my kudos and hand me my whip,
Then I step back three paces inhale and... let rip,
You see, since I'm now the New Improved Me
I'm not drowning but waving, it's no mystery:
All this is because I'm a So Scary Master
My sex life is now fun....and a f*cking disaster









6/3/2006 9:46:41 AM
Back from sunny Eire, a gorgeous place where eating out is an interesting experience. Much as I love the country and the people, Ireland is to food what North Korea is to cricket.

5/31/2006 9:38:35 AM

There is no relationship in the world worth having that takes more out of you than it puts back in.

5/30/2006 1:03:12 PM

This is by way of nothing at all but I'm now an ebay whore
I sell new bullwhips on there (I import them) but have taken to buying cameras, the purchase of which said items  I'm now addicted to
I like taking photos, and am happy (more than) to take pix of anyone who wants to present themselves well
heres a hint: if you want to present well, a webcam isn't it. It tells everyone youre a lazy s*it who can't be arsed
You probably can't be arsed to shave for a date either,then- and  that includes the women.
So anyway...
Cams have got more and more technobobbleish so that 2mp digicams are now being given away with every purchase of polo mints. I just bought one for 99p. So buy a digicam and stop being tight....well except there.....and you can be tight there as well
The only people without decent pix on here should  either Very Married (hello moo-you're gorgeous) or so ugly they'd burn out the circuits.
There has never been an easier or better time to take erotic pics. Get someone with an eye for a good erotic shot. Most people can look pretty sexy, given the right angles and lighting and props.
Oh except you.
You need a sack on your head.
So there you are. Now theres no need for laughing behind the boots counter.
 Unless I show them my willy.

5/28/2006 10:14:27 AM

Visited The Dungeon club in County Durham last night.
Now to say I'm not a big club-goer would be understating the issue. In fact I am on record as describing the people who go to clubs in most derogatory terms....but it was great. Really. Very friendly and very pervy. A great combination.
When I was in my teens-ten years ago..... I used to go to nightclubs. I hated it. It was awful. I didn't fit in. I tried to, but I didn't.
I sat in a corner and cried. People in flares threw rocks at my head.
But walking through the doorway into this strange and wonderful throng of rubber-clad perverts, suddenly I knew....I was home

angelkiss: you were right and I was wrong.

5/26/2006 10:03:58 AM
Feeling a little despondent today I reached my my favourite poem by Arthur Hugh Clough-this is a quote from one his inspirational works:
"And not by eastern windows only, / When daylight comes, comes in the light, / In front the sun climbs slow, how slowly, / But westward, look, the land is bright.”
however on investigation I found the following from the same poet:
"Gay in the mazy, / Moving, imbibing the rosy, and pointing a gun at the horny!”
errrrrr.....

5/26/2006 8:39:12 AM

I think I'm the only Dom on here who could be beaten up by Quakers

5/26/2006 2:02:16 AM

Master Mike and Mistress Sue
Didn't know quite what to do:
They have an eighteen year old slave
A schoolgirl they horribly deprave-
she's looking for playmates in their den
Women only please...they don't need men!
slave's photo's here for all inspection
But look friend Watson, good detection
Reveals some wording, bottom right:
"Kays catalogue:this picture's copyright"

5/24/2006 3:42:42 AM

Trust.
Isn't it a great thing?
all those people out there. So many potential friends. Just remember though, until you've met them, you know nothing about them. 
You meet someone, like them, settle down with them, then find out they're a wally.
How much more likely are you going to find theyre a wally if you've never met them at all?
The net is an exciting , romantic place where everyone can be your fantasy.You can share your soul and fall in love, all during your lunchbreak.
In reality though, unless you've met them (and that doesn't incude on cam.....) you don't know them at all.
Talking on the net is fun, and can be quite good therapy, but it doesn't amount to a hill of beans in terms of proving whether someone is genuine.
The scariest Dom might still get his mum to do his washing .
The horniest sub seems Mad For It, but suddenly vanishes in a puff of ectoplasm when its time to actually meet. 
Some are real.
Some are worth their weight in gold.
Most are full of crap. 

5/23/2006 8:10:55 AM
ooooh lovely
I now have a fault with my phone system, so I can either have broadband OR a telephone but not both at the same time
Have phoned BT where I get a succession of charming Indian people (possibly the same ones who GROSSLY FAILED to fix my HSBC visa problems) who give me comprehensive instructions as to how to fix this fault
"I assure you that its quite simple. You stand in a bucket of custard and hit yourself on the head with a mackeral whilst singing Waltzing Matilda"
Enough already. Gandhi was a lovely bloke.Send someone round with a spanner. Please.

5/22/2006 1:45:42 AM

In order to cure the inclement weather, I have decided to eat chocolate.
Please let me know if you observe any improvements.

5/22/2006 12:38:41 AM


Rain......I don't believe it....
It seems to have rained forever and I have a show to do this week, which will involve me standing in a muddy field talking to a load of geordie cowboys, all of whom, naturally have just returned from Texas
Cold. Wet. Windy. Bad C&W music. Linedancers. Beefburgers made from partially-thawed Siberian mammoths.
If anyone knows a rain dance antidote, please feel free to perform it.


5/21/2006 2:21:42 AM

Sunday Rant
Our local newspaper has been covering, in a series of front page articles, the claims of a local (Darlington based) "Master who Trains Sex Slaves" (no it's not me)
Apparently he's been scaring the locals by taking his slaves shopping on a collar and lead and has been attracting quite a lot of curtain- twitching publicity.
Funnily enough though, despite interviews with this "Master" (and revelations that he has previously been in a secure psychiatric facility), and interviews with local shopkeepers there wasn't a single interview with any alleged slaves. Isn't this curious?
What makes a story these days? Do journalists check their sources? We have a mentally ill person doing a Rasputin expression and claiming to run a Gorean temple from his Geordie terraced house.
Wheres the proof? Where's the slaves? There's a picture of him with a spotty teenager who can't get a girlfriend so wants to be a Master...but no happy band of dancing slaves.......But if it's in the newspapers it must be true....
Free publicity for a local loony. Now he'll be inundated with other loony would-be slaves. A cult is born.
Unfortunately, this doesn't do too much good for the public perception of "The Lifestyle"-that's you and me I'm referring to. Well, me at least.....


5/19/2006 1:10:28 AM

Its my Birthday!!!
What did you buy me? I like designer labels, but I have pre-senile dementia so I hope you got me a Rolex suit.
Age . Isn't it weird. I don't think I'm doing too badly though. Not after yesterday
I can still get into size 30" jeans, as long as somebody interesting is wearing them.

Life is good, maybe getting better
I'm eating some cheese, I think its feta
I have a swell gift- its a cute pickled peasant
but my real gift's my life. My birthday. Present.

5/19/2006 12:55:41 AM

Bi female schoolgirl sex slave poo-eating painslut looking for a mistress to degrade me still further.
No men.
Except me.
oops

5/19/2006 12:52:26 AM

Switch, ac/dc heavily into pvc and vulcanised rubber,own ohm, seeks shocking times. Looks unimportant, but not plug ugly. I can also rewire your house at reasonable rates

5/17/2006 2:06:12 PM

The Bstard award for the Best New Profile of the Week
the "management" don't like names being names, so I can't credit this quote. Sorry
"I maybe seeking some specific requirments shortly from a new Dom in a mission to aquire my submission to grow in training me in obedience for Himself and for my Husband and in payment for that i would become His to use in that quest."
Very well put.

5/17/2006 1:13:26 AM
It was awesome and it would last forever.
We had known each other, one way or another, since the dawn of time.
Or before that.
but in the real world, the world of pots, pans and final demands, things unravel.
This never happened in Ancient Rome.
Or maybe it did.
So she found her "safe mode" husband and I, splintered and splintering, wandered a lonely planet, sleeping away the darkness in a Ford Capri 1.6.
the telephone rang
the telephone rang
the telephone rang
always silence
gentle breathing
stifled
trying to be silent like an Indian hunting.
I killed my own breath, trying to hear hers:
"One day you will have to speak, my love"
but  there was only silence.
days, weeks, shadows lengthened.
the telephone rang
the telephone rang
the telephone rang
always silence
gentle breathing
stifled
"you cannot speak my love, for you have painted yourself into a corner and you have nowhere to go"
the breathing stopped
"Truly, my love. Truly I have indeed painted myself into a corner. White paint. White as far as I can see. Only whiteness"
A receiver clicked down. 
A white arctic silence rolled in, like a 15 tog Ikea duvet.
Friendly.Warm.Safe.
Suffocating.

5/15/2006 12:24:07 AM

Am I a potential serial killer?
I am most concerened about certain symptoms I am beginning to suffer from. I have noticed that the palms of my hands are becoming hairy. Whilst the hair on my palms grows, that upon my head recedes, which has exposed a strange birthmark.
It is the number of the Beast:10 Downing Street.

5/14/2006 9:13:10 AM

new pix submitted.
watch this space for a spell

5/11/2006 1:04:20 AM


Tyre Kickers
A "Tyre Kicker" is someone who, when you are selling your car, arrives obstensibly to buy it, but is really just out to fill in a few hours of his miserable pathetic life by wasting your time. The vehicle is the wrong shade of puce, it has the wrong ashtrays for the year or he prefers upholstery that comes from a different sort of cow....
Its just like that in bdsm. The other person would really love to get together with you but their cat is due to go the acupuncturist, you don't have the right star sign,or the more usual one-they'd love to but their husband/wife/priest would get suspicious.
As I approach my 27th yearI realise how little time any of us get to do stuff. So if you're making excuses stop it right now, cease kicking those tyres and bend over.
One should have few regrets, and none at all for those things one was afraid to do.


5/10/2006 2:45:39 PM

I'll be a Master or a Dom or even join the Druids
In fact I'll do anything at all to exchange some bodily fluids

5/10/2006 7:28:20 AM
When I am sad and weary,
When I think all hope is gone,
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with nothing on.

- Adrian Mitchell

5/9/2006 6:59:33 AM

These emotes are very useful
They're used instead or words
But most useful to those people
Who, instead of brains, have turds

5/9/2006 6:06:26 AM

The Tuesday Poem:
I don't care if you're a drummer, air-guitarist or a singer
but please don't message me if youre another ugly minger

5/8/2006 12:45:32 AM

Gimme that Old Time Religion
With the decline in religion in the West, other elements compete to take its place.
We think we are too "grown up" for it, but we really have a need, as a species, for something bigger than we are. So we all set about our search for our own personal Holy Grail. We spend endless hours at the Altar of Bill Gates' Magical Mystery Machine searching for "The O/one". A great many are so desperate that they invent "The O/one". Just like we had imaginary friends when we were little. (well I still have those....)
"I have a cruel Dom, He's trapped inside this box
He keeps me wrapped in chains, which all have keys and locks
He whips me and he hurts me.Treats me just like a gimp
He's a nice change from my husband (who always was a wimp)
He's not just like your Master, my Dom's really alive
Well
-very soon he will be, when I fix his old hard drive"
We all want to do our role playing game. To either be God, or to find God. To worship or be worshipped. And to have kinky sex.far As religion is concerned I think we have the kinky sex aspect pretty tied up Unless you're into nuns and choir boys.

5/7/2006 10:25:56 AM

Changed my pic AGAIN......I'm wearing that tie for a bet
..oooh another new profile. This one has her  cv which includes the phrase:
 " (my experience) also included on one occasion being bound & licked by a non human".
I just hate it when my exes write about me...

5/6/2006 2:03:09 PM

Saturday Non-Rant
(as requested)
Actually I feel quite mellow tonight and there is very little wrong with the world.
I nearly fell out with moo (again) but didn't
I nearly got T-boned (no, thats a car wreck, not a sexual position) by my slave whilst sitting in my car with another attractive sub (hello angelkiss). ........but we all ended up having a coffee together so no harm done....
You know, some people think a slave must be somehow...spiritless. Mine has bags and bags of spirit. No fun in Domming a retard is there.Alpha females every time. I've known Dommes who were about as Alpha as glass of lucozade.
My slave has cojones.
Not literally, of course

5/4/2006 2:54:43 AM
Y(y)ou shall have to wait to view (M)my stately lovlieness as new pics have been submitted and I bet they don't allow the one with the (C)camel and the three (N)nuns either.
When you speak to me, please use a speech bubble, so I can check if your capitalisation is correct....form and protocol...most important...especially if you don't get out much....

5/3/2006 7:20:32 AM

I 've got a tube of KY jelly and I use it to stop friction, 
but when I need a novel, I read these profiles -they're all fiction

5/3/2006 5:15:11 AM

Marvellous new profile spotted yesterday:
"i am looking for a master that will take me perculiar and treat me like a slave"
errrrrrr.........

5/3/2006 12:53:53 AM

The net is brimming with fools, knaves,flibbertigibbets and ninnyhammers . Although there will never be a shortage of those who are insincere,and those who would play you false, never lose sight of those rare individuals who are true to you, and of their inestimable value. Argue with them, hate them,fall out with them and call them nasty names.
Then embrace.
 "The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel"
W. Shakespeare

5/2/2006 1:35:01 AM
Recently visited Thornborough Henges, a neolithic site in North Yorkshire, which has, I read, just been the focus of a Beltane celebration.
Subsequent to my visit everything electronic I own has now been has been pan fried with garlic.
This started with my favourite digital camera which disintegrated on the way back to the car and has been rapidly followed by my visa machine (not that anyone was actually buying anything.....) and my pc, which melted one of its hard drives and lost all of my work (yes dear, I know I should have backed it up.....).
If it wasn't for the fact that my sole means of transport is a dodgy old Nissan Bluebird, which was built before the invention of the internal combustion engine, I would have to bicycle everywhere.
Better be prepared.
Anyone seen my puncture repair outfit?

4/29/2006 1:33:34 PM

"Willing to relocate"
what does this mean?
"I'm so luckless and clueless at finding someone where I live that I'll abandon my home, job and family and move to some other county or country where some random tall dark handsome/cruel/pliant/obedient/top/bottom/switch resides and live with them". What kind of crap is that, exactly? Will the last person who "does reality" leaves the room, please switch off the light

4/29/2006 1:02:29 PM

Saturday Rant
Why is it that nearly all the ads in my geographical  neck of the woods are not only, er "odd" (odd's ok) but also somewhat sad. People watching but "not looking","not seeking" "don't contact me".....How sad is that? They're like rubberneckers passing a motorway pile-up and stopping on the hard shoulder to watch and have a picnic. Why don't they just buy some computer games ffs.
And "sissy maids" (can we have a special category for "sissy maids " and tv's please...).
 "SaddoMasochists":I propose this name for new category for those who just hang about on cyberstreet-corners drinking cooking sherry (they're too old for cider) and "not looking" and another category for those with five o'clock shadow, dodgy wigs and size 11 stilletos.
We can call this one "Shocks in Frocks".

4/25/2006 4:34:12 PM
computer down.
abnormal service will be resumed as soon as possible
any messages or gold doubloons?, please contact my bitch.(Miss you already.)

4/23/2006 4:31:14 AM

erm
I forgot how long it takes to get pics approved on here.........

4/22/2006 10:30:48 AM

 
Today's picture, live from Bollyhope Common....Alas poor Yorick....My first love, a little gone to seed, past the first flush of youth, and as usual, out of her skull...


4/22/2006 2:18:42 AM

Saturday Rant:
"Why this is hell, nor am I out of it. Think'st thou that I, who saw the face of God and tasted the eternal joy of heaven, am not tormented with ten thousand hells in being deprived of everlasting bliss?"
Christopher Marlowe,
Dr. Faustus
Bishop Auckland. Wednesday: The very gates of Hell spew out their regular dollop of humanity. Humanity-pah! fiddlesicks!
None of them have ever read a book without pictures in it. At some point most of them have been issued with a "Benefit Fraud Kit" consisting of with one walking stick or two, depending on whether they have chosen the standard or deluxe package. They all chain smoke (they should use tobacco) and blow noxious fumes into the faces of their innocent grandchildren. Innocent babes who shall, in a few short years be spouting abuse at their teachers ("its all their fault, the teachers, theyre not allowed to belt them anymore...") and, fuelled by white cider and borrrrrredom.
Have a jolly spree of smashing telephone boxes and the heads of pensioners.
All of the denizens of this Hell are obese. Not "plump" or "curvy" but obese and to show off their obesity to its best advantage they all wear tight-fitting leggings and pink track suits. Even the men. Clothing which is most useful for the long sessions of exercise they get when looking for the TV remote control under the empty crisp packets.
It used to be they only got into this state of disrepair after they had landed a spouse/given up/both/ but these people are getting younger. Young pretty heads atop a bulk that makes them sweat with the very effort in moving it.
"Its not my fault, its the tablets I'm on for me nerves". Pah! I'll exercise their nerves with this pointy stick!
The NHS can't cope. Seriously ill people can't get operations due to the strain put on the system by people who , in their third or fourth decade of life, struggle to climb their own stairs.....due to the contempt they have for their own bodies.
Some people: are sick and need drugs/operatons/therapy. Some are sick for the want of drugs their hospitals can't afford. Some people are sick after working and contributing to society all their lives...
Some people: are "sick" and need a good slap and an enforced diet and exercise regime (down missus, I'd withold slaps from obese masochists)
90% of fit people can economically support 10% of sick people. But if we turn that around- If only 10% are well, they cannot support the 90% who are sick. The figures don't work. Put me in charge. I'd sort this one out in a week.
and no, before you start inundating me-I'm not sizeist some fat women can look and be quite sexy-but conversely I've known at least two  Dommes who can barely stand up and walk. Scary but not in a nice way....The virus is in out own ranks. Root it out, before its too late
Vote B'satrd! You know it makes sense

4/21/2006 2:38:04 AM

Thats Ripon Catherdral in my latest picture
Don't vast cathedrals make one look small?
or is it that I'm really only four feet tall...?