I was just taking a hot bath and started reflecting on my journey through my entry into BDSM. I am not the person I was last year, that's for sure.
I came in with nothing but a bag full of curiosity.. I read everything I came across in detail, looked at others relationships with envy and felt like a reborn virgin (haha). In theory, from reading blogs and journals I knew everything, but in reality I knew nothing about what I was getting myself into.
A few things happened that sent me wandering into this lifestyle.
- I started masturbating at 12 and watching porn... for some reason I was drawn to gangbang porn where the woman was being roughed around: hair pulling, slapping, nipples twisted, holes being stretched... I loved it watching her squirm in pain and being forced to take what came her way.
- One night I desperately turned to craigslist for a one night stand. In my post I mentioned that I wanted to be 'rough fucked'. I ended up spending the night with a Dom and was used beyond my wildest dreams. I was hurt, slapped around, spat on, and used like a fuck toy. I cried driving home. Not because it wasn't good or that I didn't consent. I had sexual guilt from the whole experience. I questioned my sanity. Why did I like being abused like that? I had grown up with my mother abusing me... was this what came from it? At this point I didn't know about the lifestyle either. I was freshly 18. I knew about sex and what not.. but not much else. I was confused.
- Lastly, I met someone on a dating site who I ended up telling about my experiences. He happened to be a member on here and suggested that I check it out.
Exploring this lifestyle with nobody guiding you is very scary, and there is room for lots of error. I made my fair share of mistakes. I wish that I had been introduced through a relationship as that might have been easier but I had to deal with it the hard way.
I had to experiment to figure out my likes and dislikes. I've been with Masters, Doms and Sadists... I've been hurt and manipulated... but I've also had some pleasant experiences, made friends and became stronger.
So what have I learned?
-That there is no clear route into this lifestyle. Finding your way is part of the lifestyle. Everything is subjective. Don't sweat the mistakes.
-Because it is subjective there are many different types of people roaming around. It's a group that pretty much doesn't conform to vanilla sex... and there is a hell of a lot of things that people can be into.
-There are plenty of fakes. They like aspects of the lifestyle but are truly not into it. They believe being a Dom is just telling the girl what to do.... or that they must be called Sir from the first conversation or you're a bitch.
-That a circle can be a square. I am a 'submissive' but I identify a lot better as a brat... and the men I have come across can attest to that. I'm an uppity bottom, with a mouth and I can and will talk back and use my attitude in ways slaves and 24/7 submissives wouldn't even dream of. Some Doms are so serious and this would not work for them.. others are more laid back and enjoy the challenge. It's just who I am in the lifestyle.
-I am bitter from my experiences I've had, but that's because I want it all and I want it now. But, I have learned I must wait patiently to find my perfect partner. I know I will never be satisfied with a vanilla relationship, and I am not looking to convert someone who isn't. There are very few people in this lifestyle compared to the rest of the population, then to narrow it down even further not all of them will be on or other BDSM websites or even looking to find someone. THEN people are already in relationships. You have to match values too, are they poly or monogamous? That cuts people down even further. The next problem lies in compatibility. Because there are slim pickings you may jump to bond over one thing you have in common... but in the end that really isn't enough basis compared to all of the other important aspects you need to take into consideration. And it's back to the drawing bored. It's a long and hellish cycle, but here I am, still waiting, and less bitter.
I like where I am though.
