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| The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we have is now--Bill Cosby ....let us all agree, Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.... Embrace the person you are when no one is around and work on sharing it with those you trust. Truth and honesty will set you free and unburden your life!
For those men who insist on attaching a cock pick to their initial contact....bless your little hearts! I wish you the absolute best in finding what you seek!
Breakfast is best served warm......fresh squeezed and over light!
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An older man walks into the social security office and fills out the application for benifits. when he is called to the back the woman asks for his identification to verify his age. the man reaches in his pocket and realizes that he has forgotten his wallet. when he reveals this to the woman the woman asks him to open his shirt so the man complies. "those grey hairs on your chest are proof enough for me." says the woman.
The man goes home and tells his wife of his encounter. The wife says, "you should have pulled down your pants too you would have qualified for disability". |
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A good looking blonde woman takes up golf. She starts having lessons, cos she's not too good. She can only hit the ball a few yards. So the professional, after seeing her hit a few balls, just a few wayward yards, asked her to hold the club as she would, her husbands manhood. So this time she only hits the ball a few inches, hardly knocks it off the tee. The golf pro, commends her on the straightness of her lastest drive & suggests for the next shot; she takes the club out of her mouth, and trys holding it in her hands!
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Ruff Night:
A man wakes up one day after a long night of heavy
partying.
The man remembers absolutely nothing about the night before.
He goes to the bathroom and finds two rings on his dick. One is red, the otheris brown!
He has never seen these marks before, so he decides to go to the doctor.
A few days later, the doctor calls the man with the test results.
"I've gotten the results back, and I have some good news, and some not-so-good news." the doctor says.
"Well what's the good news?" the man asks.
"That red ring, it turned out to be lipstick."
"Whew! Well, what's the not-so-good news?"
"The brown ring was Copenhagen! |
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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone comming." He followed her into her apartment;
she she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid, and look at my skin, there are no blemishes anywhere! How can you
think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me." |
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There was an exhibition of contemporary art at the local Art Gallery. One of the paintings was of 3 naked men standing beside each other. They were absolutely black from head to toe, except for the one standing in the middle who had a white penis.
The exhibition had only been running for a week and there was this woman who had been in the gallery every day, standing staring at this one painting from the time the gallery opened till it closed in the afternoon. Eventually, curiosity got the better of the curator at the gallery and he approached the woman and said:
excuse me madam, I've noticed you have been in here for a week, just staring at this one painting all day. Is there something I can help you with?
Well she said, i'm very puzzled. I mean, here we have 3 Black men standing next to each other, and the Black man in the middle has a white penis. What is the meaning of the painting?
The curator replies: Well madam, it's like this. These are not 3 Black men, they are 3 Welsh Coalminers and one of them has gone home for lunch.
Have a great Day! |
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An odd observation made while stopped at a traffic light this morning...Why is it that most women can not put on their mascara with their mouth closed? |
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. I'm not interested in fighting you. 6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool! 7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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I raced a Harley the other day, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really, twisting sections of Mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH". I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone. I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another. Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever. My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant, I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good. But now I was in the lead, and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the mountain, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror. Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain. I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh, as well. They really make a great bicycle.
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers...our son in-law!" |
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For several years, a man who regularly traveled to Italy was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, the told her to simply mail him a postcard and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'You've received a very strange postcard today'. 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce! |
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A drunk man, who smelled of liquor,
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick,
and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his coat pocket.
He
opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, do you know
what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
caused by loose living,
being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man
and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long
have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. |
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Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros is feeling great today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself. |
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A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco .
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.
He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street.
This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing louder and louder -- and were coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man,
"I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in" |
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !" |
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Two Aggies are working on a building site.
First Aggie says to the other "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" The Second Aggie watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts to the first Aggie "you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Second Aggie starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
To which the second Aggie replies, "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" |
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The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the Forest Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because the animals may grow dependent upon us and not learn to take care of themselves. |
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Ok... It has been raining buckets and things are really boring in this Baptist town.....So here is a collection sure to offend some and make others smile!
A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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A man is in a queue at Harrod's and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him and then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes: I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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A man went to see the nurse this morning for his annual check-up.
She said He had to stop wanking.
When he asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" |
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
Home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." |
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn. |
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I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends and 1 married
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and The other married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
The married friend :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?" |
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Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?
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The Girl Lodger
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
She could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
Have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front
Of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
Filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
See that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband
When he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
Back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for
Yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
Have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
Girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair Department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
See it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
Enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't "!?
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00 . A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. At that
time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves." One of the girls
asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" "Well, that's a little
different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion." The
following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving
around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he
read their new sign: Two Fallen Angels-Seeking Peter --$50. |
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" |
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ALL TO READ
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
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I just read in a medical journal that 25% of the women in America are on some sort of medicine for mental illness.
That's scary as Hell!
When you realize that 75% of the women in America are walking around without their meds......
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The Doctor had sex with one of his
patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his
patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head
that said: "Don't worry about it. You
aren't the first medical practitioner to
have sex with one of his patients and
you won't be the last. And you're single.
Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"You?re a veterinarian,
you sick Bastard." |
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ?It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.?
He then addressed the men. ?Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower??
Frank leaned over, touched Ann?s arm gently and whispered, ?Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it??
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy. |
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A young guy was standing at the bar when a hot babe walked in and stood beside him.
They got talking and he said " I can guess what day of the week you were born just by feeling your breasts "
She agrees to let him try , and after fondling her ample assets for a good ten minutes or so she asks " well- what day of the week was I born ?"
"Yesterday"
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This made me laugh out loud, I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came! |
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For all the highly intelligent individuals who just may get a smile out of this!
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
- is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
- contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
- may cause severe burns.
- contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
- accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
- may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
- has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
- as an industrial solvent and coolant.
- in nuclear power plants.
- in the production of styrofoam.
- as a fire retardant.
- in many forms of cruel animal research.
- in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the Navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
It's Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.
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"Cuius testiculos habeas, habeas cardia et cerebellum."
"Merda taurorum animas conturbit" |
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In order to entrap a reproductive mate, women can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
Men have evolved a defense to that cunning move, and can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
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