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I find the labels commonly used in the bdsm community to be sorely lacking. My personality is dominant. I enjoy being able to take a woman to places she cant go without me. I enjoy the feeling of knowing she trusts me completely. Perhaps you notice that I tend to define myself by my interactions with my partner. Then you have noticed correctly. So what labels do I use to describe myself and the woman I seek? Lets just skip them and go right to preferences.
I am attracted to strong, confident, highly intelligent, emotionally secure, trustworthy women. There are certainly many other things I find appealing as well, but that is a good starting place. Im looking for happily ever after, till death to us part, your toothbrush next to mine...all that stuff. I do not believe that integrating a relationship based on a core of ds suffers from including the vanilla aspects of life as well. Just the opposite, in fact. Now think about who you want to spend the rest of your life with and then think about living with that person, day in and day out for many years. I read through the female profiles on here, the ones who actually take the time to write one, and can write well enough to be readable, and I look at what they seek in a man. Likes bondage? I can see that being a concern if all you are seeking is casual play, but is it really a priority if you are considering uprooting your life to be with someone? I like kinky sex as much as anyone, but as far as my criteria in choosing a mate, favorite kinks isnt high on the must have list. Ive been doing WIITWD long enough that I can safely say that if you are female and on this site, then we wont have a problem finding mutually enjoyable activities. I dont care if you identify as dominant, submissive, switch or something else, as long as you fit that list of preferences above. Everything else is negotiable.
Can you put those labels aside for a while as well? Are YOU seeking a strong, honest, confident man who is seeking a life partner? I promise we can fill in the blanks as we talk.
I know whats out there. I have enough female friends to know what fills your in box. Cock pics, on your knees, bitch, and submit to me and I will turn you into the slut you know you really are, and other similar stuff that I cant imagine has you thinking about spending quality time with the writer. Believe me, its no better on my end. We all have our horror stories. Unfortunately all these idiots make so much noise that its hard for the honest people to find and identify each other.
What all this boils down to is I dont care what labels you use. If you have self confidence, integrity, and a sharp mind, and would like to spend the rest of your life with a man with those same qualities who will value and respect you for who you are, then lets talk. I cant promise compatibility or chemistry, but I can promise we wont find out if we dont talk first. If the compatibility and chemistry are there, then I am confident we can build a relationship that encompasses both bdsm and vanilla life that will make us both happy and fulfilled.
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16 years I've been on this site, almost to the day. Probably longer than that because I'm not sure this was my first profile. And before that, I was on other similar sites all the way back to the beginning of the internet, and the old bulletin boards. And before the internet, yes, I am that old, the bdsm magazines and underground classifieds. I search, sometimes for years because I have very high standards and there are a lot of haystacks and very few needles in the bdsm world, until I find someone, then I go away. Unfortunately none of those relationships have been forever, though they were each wonderful in their own way, and I guess I am blessed that each ended on good terms. My last relationship ended 3 years ago. I am here, on FL, a few other web sites, and on a bunch of the dating apps. I have a lot to offer, both bdsm and vanilla. No, I'm not a sugar daddy. I'm happy to share. Supporting a lazy deadbeat isn't in the cards. If you don't have enough pride to contribute to your own lifestyle, you don't have enough pride to be with me.
I'm seeking a woman who is highly intelligent, who possesses and values integrity, is trustworthy and able to trust when her trust has been earned. And of course, who desires a long term, real life, 24 7 relationship built around a core of bdsm. Also should be at least a bit of a geek to insure we have vanilla interests in common.
Everything else is negotiable. You have my permission to contact me first if you think we might be compatible. Please be willing to video chat immediately for both of our safety.
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When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you. |
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An allegory for submissive women....
You live in a world where all the sandwiches are peanut butter and jelly. You really like bread, but not pb&j. You like tunafish, and you really hunger for a tuna fish sandwhich. But you search everywhere, and there just isnt one anywhere to be found. You find lots of PB&J sandwhiches that tell you they are a tunafish sandwich. Yes, sandwiches can talk in this world. Stop interupting. But when you bite them, they are always pb&j. You find lots of tunafish which tells you its part of a sandwhich, but that you have to eat it first so it can teach you how to taste the bread. But when you try eating it, it's always just tuna, with no sandwhich. Everyone tells you that there is no such thing as a tunafish sandwich, but you refuse to believe them. So you search and you search. Then you die. Hungry. |
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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about choice. Most women who call themselves submissives or slaves (very few if any of whom would be by my definition of those terms) believe that all the decision making power is theirs when trying to find a "dom". After all, even if they are not attractive and write poorly or not at all, they still get swamped with messages from doms begging for their time and attention. What a heady feeling that must be. They can throw up all sorts of hoops to make the prospective doms jump through, and any dom who doesn't jump.... buh bye. And when they do find the dom they like the best, he's so grateful for receiving her "gift of submission", that he will dominate her however she requires him to.
But somehow, she quickly discovers that he "isn't a real dom" at all. He lied, or he's really more sub than dom, or he's just an all around loser. And she's back on collarme ranting about how all men suck. And repeat, and repeat and repeat ad infinitum.
Well.... Here is the reality. Real doms don't play puppy. We don't jump through hoops. We don't need you to do us a favor by submitting to us(in other words, keep your gift). And we aren't so desperate to find a woman that will actually let us touch her, that we would be willing to settle for you.
So while perhaps you do get to choose from all the puppies and wannabes and service tops, none of them are good choices. You don't get to choose me, because frankly, either I wouldn't have you so I never wrote you to begin with, or if you actually are someone I might like, you eliminated me because I wouldn't play puppy and jump through your hoops.
You see, in my world, the search for a mate is a mutual decision. We choose each other. And if you are seeking a man to give up control to, don't you think it's kind of back asswards to eliminate the men who don't let you push them around to start with?
Perhaps for some of you who read this, a light will go on. Perhaps after a little thought, you might realize I'm making some sense here, and change the way you do things. You might also want to think about at least acting like you have a bit of self esteem. Weak women are not appealing to strong doms. Good luck in your search.... If you have something to offer, perhaps I will write you. :)
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4 months since the last time I added to my hall of shame. Rest assured, this is only because I have grown more accustommed to the idiocy, not because the idiocy is any less frequent.
I saw this on a "submissive" female's profile today...
"To have someone give you control of their bodies and minds,
To be entrusted with the responsibility to take care of them,
To have someone willing to suffer for you,
To forsake pride and dignity to please you...
What other gift in this world can possibility equate to that?
And more importantly, what makes you worthy to receive it?"
-- Anonymous
----
If this resonates with you... For that matter, if it doesn't cause you to feel like you want to vomit, it is unlikely that our views of what dominance and submission are, are anywhere close enough to make any conversation worthwhile. I sugest you try searching on "service top". |
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For everyone who just doesn't get it. No, I don't have to ask your master for permission to talk to you. I can and will talk to anyone I choose to. You have to ask his permission to talk to me perhaps, but that's completely different, isn't it. And don't even get me started on how insecure a man has to be to try to isolate his sub from talking to others.
There are only 3 reasons why a so called dominant prevents his sub from talking to other doms, or demands her password and reads her mail.
1) He doesn't trust you.
2) He's insecure.
3) He doesn't trust you AND he's insecure. |
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So here I am, back again. My place to go when I need to howl at the moon. There is one rule that has been beaten into my head so many times, and it's never once been wrong. When someone's actions don't match their words, believe the actions. Every single time I have either forgotten this, or let hopes override my common sense and given someone a second chance, I've been screwed again, instead of walking away after the first time.
So today, I guess I can be proud of myself. Someone who I really hoped was different, stood me up today. We made plans yesterday evening for today. She says she forgot. She says she's sorry. I'm sorry too, but I didn't forget. As I was sitting here fuming, it ocurred to me that not once in my entire life have I ever stood a woman up on a date, especially not a first date. In the past 10 years, I would say somewhere about 90% of all the submissive women I've ever had a first date with have stood me up. And it's not just me. I hear the same from other dominant men all the time. I've gotten every excuse in the book. Auto accidents, illness, death in the family, lost my cell phone, "I panicked and just couldn't go".... You name it. I've heard it. And they are all so sorry. Every time I've ever given them a second chance, it was just throwing good effort after bad. Not one of them ever actually met me.
So why do they do it? Why do they make dates they never intended to keep. I don't know. I have some theories, but that's all they are. As an added note, on many occasions when I have written about such events, a sub will contact me to commiserate with me, and tell me that she just doesn't understand how submissive women can do such things. That she never has and never would do something like that. And guess what. Yup, stands me up, dissapears, suddenly remembers that she's seeing another dominant after telling me she was single.
There comes a point where it just becomes black comedy. And every time, it hurts. Every time I want to believe that this one is different. But I've gotten used to the dissapointment. In a few days, I won't even think about it. In a few weeks, I will have completely forgotten. In a few months, I won't even remember who she was. Thats because it will have happened a few more times by then, and they all just blur together.
I think it's funny how people on here want someone who is into the same fetishes, or over a certain height. I could lower all my standards...get rid of all my standards, and just leave, "seeking someone I can trust", and I still would regard it as a miracle to actually find someone. I can't even estimate how many women I talk to on line every year. At any given time I'm usually talking to to several. And I haven't lowered my standards, so they all seem nice, smart, sincere. They all claim to want committed real life relationships, to want to meet. Last year I met one. One...all last year. One. Out of 100, maybe... So far this year, I'm still on zero. I really thought this one was different. But I always think that.
So I can go to bed tonight proud of myself. I said good bye. No more talking, no more excuses, no more give me another chance. Just bye. Yep, that's what I'm feeling. Proud..... |
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Advice for submissives....
Let's assume that you are actually honest and have an accurate profile, and are seeking more than just play. I know that doesn't leave many of you, but other than those few, no advice of mine would mean anything, anyway. First, a disclaimer. I'm frustrated and repelled by what the bdsm community has become. It's a lonely hearts club for liars, the emotionally broken, and desperate. Weak dominants seeking even weaker submissives to feed their egos. If you disagree, it's unlikely that we would be compatible, or that my advice would mean much to you, either.
If you are still reading, and most likely I'm just talking to myself, but hope never dies...
Your profile is that proverbial first impression. No, no profile can paint a picture of all that you are. Think of it rather as a table of contents. A guide to what one will find if one takes the time to crack open your cover and look within. Know who your readers are, and write to them, not yourself. Intrigue them, spark their imagination, and make them think, "I want to know more".
I can't speak for other male dominants. I can't imagine though, that I am the only one that seeks a strong, confident, highly intelligent partner. Neither can I imagine that I'm the only one that seeks a complete relationship. One that is built around power exchange, but not limited by it. One that includes love, and sharing all of life, not just kink interests.
So my advice for submissives, is really advice for the sort of woman I find appealing, on how to attract me. Ready?...
I'm a man. Dominant is an adjective, not a noun. I'm a dominant MAN, with the emphasis on man. Don't call me master or sir. Offering me respect I haven't earned from you is an insult. It lumps me in with the rest of those claiming dominance, and I'm nothing like most of them, and resent the comparison. I have a name. If you write me, or respond when I write you, I will tell you what it is. Use it. And while we are at it, tell me yours. Not your screen name or slave name. Just the first name. You don't want to give out any info to whack jobs who can use it to find you.
Put in your profile what you want, and what you don't. I shouldn't have to waste my time or yours in order to find out that I'm too old/young/tall/short/etc for you, when you could have put it in your profile. Don't be afraid to be too picky, but make sure that those things you are picky about are REALLY important things. If you absolutely can't live with a man whose cock is less than 10 inches, then put it in there. But before you draw lines in the sand, think it through. If you found a man perfect for you in every way, but he was a few years out of your age range, or height range, or whatever range, would it be a deal breaker? If not, then maybe you should rethink those boundaries.
Then put in your profile who you are. Let me tell you a little "man secret". If you don't put down your weight, we all think you must be fat. If you're fat, say so. If you seek a real life partner, he's going to find out sooner or later. And despite your opinion that such things shouldn't matter, they do. People have preferences. While what's inside is important, so is what's outside. Anyone who says differently is lying, even if only to themselves. Put down whether or not you can relocate. The internet gives you contact with a big world, and most of it's too far to walk, or even drive to meet. If nothing on earth could get you to leave the potato farm in Idaho, then say so. I just wasted several hours talking to what seemed like an amazing woman before she told me she still lives with her parents and wouldn't move(she was in her thirties).
Fill out the interests. The vanilla ones. I don't care how hot we are for each other, most of our life together is not going to be in the dungeon. If we don't have compatibility beyond kink, it's not going to work.
Put in your goals and your current life situation.
Don't give orders or make threats. Yes there are idiots out there. Ordering them not to contact you, or threatening them with a tongue lashing makes you look like an ass, and only encourages them. Don't write diatribes about what some idiot said or did with the intent of giving warning about them, or getting even. Especially don't mention them by name. Again, it just makes you look like an ass.
Don't be too graphic. We are both on this site. I already know you are kinky. The conversation will eventually go there, there is no need to rush it.
I'm sure I will think of more, and not being shy about expressing myself, I'm sure I will write it down.
Feel free to send me comments on how to improve my profile, but only if you are one of those rare honest, confident, highly intelligent women I seek. The other sort...I already get more than enough from the desperate, and it doesn't matter what I put in my profile for that type. |
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More profile surfing tonight.... I have to tell you...some of these profiles.....
Please God, do not let these people breed.
I've looked at maybe 100 profiles tonight. I have sent 2 introductions, out of all of those. One of those I'm pretty sure is fake, but willing to find out, the other...who know. |
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Today's statement of the obvious....
I read female profiles. Old, young, domme, sub, straight, lez, and all shades in between. Partly because all things female fascinate me, and partly because I put so little stock in labels.
So I see literally hundreds of young, attractive, submmissive, lesbian profiles which state they want nothing more in life than to find a mistress, and of course, "NO MEN". I also happen to know a lot of dominant women, many of who would like a female sub. They all have something in common. They can't find one. Now isn't that strange. Two groups, each searching for the other, having easy access to each other, yet not finding. How ever can this be?
Easy. Every young attractive lesbian profile on here is fake. All men. OK, maybe not every one. Let's say 99.9% for the sake of discussion. Don't believe me? Contact one. Ask to speak on the phone and see web cam verification. "Um, I don't have a web cam, and I want to wait to get to know you on line before we talk on the phone". Case closed. |
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Well... Welcome to me in my new home East of Cleveland. I was hoping things would be different here, but they sure are the same on collarme. I started going through female sub profiles, and kept finding ones with pics of extremely attractive women in their late 20s to mid 30s. Then it hits me that they all say the same thing, including some of the exact same statements, and I go back and look. Yup, all written by the same person, who I'm guessing isn't a an attractive female submissive in her late 20s to early 30s. Roughly 5 out of the first 10, so I'm guessing there must be tons more. I guess some things are the same everywhere.... |
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What they say and what they mean: --since I am getting so many comments about this, honesty compells me to admit that I didn't come up with all of them myself, just most of them. The rest are things I've either said something similar to, or agree with wholeheartedly, so I stole them BWA HA HA!
What They Say: BOW DOWN BITCH!!!
What They Mean: Oh geez I hope it works this time
What they say: I want to be kept in a cage all day until you wish to use me
What they mean: I'm just too lazy to hold a real job and take care of myself
What they say: I have collared many girls
What they mean: I suck at long-term relationships
What they say: I have a huge collection of whips, floggers, canes and paddles
What they mean: And I don't have a clue how to use any of them
What they say: If you were my mistress, what would you command me to do?
What they mean: Got any lotion? And a tissue?
What they say: Is it your destiny to serve?
What they mean I read that in someone else's profile once, thought it sounded cool.
What they say: I'm NOT a doormat!!!
What they mean: I don't know what that means, but all the twue submissives say it!
What they say: I have 8 inches
What they mean: That's AOL inches
What they say: My master reads my e-mail
What they mean: My master is insecure
What they say: I have a lot of experience online
What they mean: I'm a virgin
What they say: I'm 40-ish
What they mean: I'll be 50 next week
What they say: I respect that your already involved, and I just want to get to know you as a friend
What they mean: I want to keep you talking until I can figure out a way to take you away from him
What they say: I love a woman who looks good in high heels
What they mean: I have a shoe fetish
What they say: I am told I am very good looking
What they mean: Of course, that was 20 years ago
What they say: I want to fill every hole you have with my cum
What they mean: I haven't gotten it up in years
What they say: What are your limits?
What they mean: What are you already willing to do before I have to put any work into this
What they say: Looks don't matter
What they mean: I think I am unattractive and I hope you will like me anyway, but if your ugly forget it!
What they say: I'm a masochist looking for a female sadist to satisfy my need for pain
What they mean: I'll scream like a little girl the first time you whip me
What they say: I want to be your mentor
What they mean: Take off your cloths and spread your legs
What they say: I'm a 'natural Dominate'
What they mean: I've been a control freak all my life, now I have an excuse.
What they say: I'm a no limts slave
What they mean: I'm a chat room addict
What they say: This is my last attempt at trying to find "The One"
What they mean: I've been at this for three days already!
What they say: I am old guard trained
What they mean: I do things the right way, and you don't
What they say: I'm a female sub seeking online training. No cam and no phone.
What they mean: I'm a man
What they say: I'm very opinionated
What they mean: I never shut my mouth
What they say: I'll send you a picture upon request
What they mean: It's too hideous to actually post here and I'm planning on sweeping you off you feet verbally so my looks won't matter to you
What they say: I'm looking for discreet meetings for play
What they mean: I'm married and fooling around on the side
When they say: I'm willing to relocate.
What they mean: Just get me off by chat.
What they say: I'm experienced and believe in safe, sane and consensual
They mean: I just came from Castle Realm
What they say: I *love* service submissives
What they mean: Get on your knees, open your mouth, and give me a bj
What they say: I'm a superior female who demands tribute from you worthless worms
What they mean: I have no job
What they say: Trust me
What they mean: If you were smart you'd already be running.
What they say: I'm looking for 24/7 servitude
What they mean: I can't hold down a job
When they say: A slave should never question Me.
What they mean: I'm hoping to get away with whatever I can.
What they say: Use me, abuse me, humiliate me, I'm here for your pleasure.
What they mean: Do me
What they say: I'm looking for younger subs
What they mean: Because the ones my own age know too much |
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Things that make you go "HUH????"
Why do so many "submissive" women feel the need to create profiles here, under an assumed name, where no one knows them, to let people who do not care know that they have found their one and only, and warn them not to contact her? |
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Todays entry: Mentors and predators.
In the bdsm world, Mentor is just another word for predator. There is unfortunately a segment of the "male dominant" population that preys on beginning and naive submissive women. These men cannot attract informed and knowledgable women or sustain a healthy adult relationship, so they take advantage of the tremendous need and excitement that most beginning submissives feel, feed them bad info about d/s and the bdsm community, then try to isolate them so they don't learn the truth. They know all the right things to say to someone just beginning to learn and explore their submissive feelings. They will be the white knight who rescues the fair princess from the evil dragons. Unfortunately, they are the evil dragons.
Things to watch for:
People who try to terrify you about the dangers of the bdsm community. After all, in order for them to save you, there has to be something you need to be saved from.
People who try to isolate you. For your own protection of course. This could take the form of restricting who you are allowed to talk with, monitoring your e-mail or collarme accounts, etc. No well meaning and secure person would ever do any of those things.
One-true-wayers. They will tell you that the way they do things is the real way and everyone else are pretenders and fakes. This is to take advantage of your lack of knowledge and impress you with their "mastery".
Terms to watch out for:
Mentor: Yes, a good word has been perverted to camoflage predators. Anyone who has a profile encouraging submissives to come to them for training or protections in the guise of a mentor, is a predator. There are no exceptions to this. No matter how smoothly they talk or convincing they are, they are just seeking beginners to victimize.
Training: Submissives do not need to be "trained". Trained to do what? Bark like a dog? Roll over? No one can be trained to be submissive. You either are or you aren't. There are no universal rules or protocols in the bdsm world, so the only thing they can teach you is what they want you to believe. All dominants are different, and want different kinds of subs and have different expectations of their subs. When you do enter into a real bdsm relationship, then you will learn what he expects and what pleases him. No one can "train" you to do that for another.
Old Guard: There is no such thing as Old Guard. It's a myth. Those who claim to be old guard or old guard trained are basicly claiming that there is an original, one true way, which they of course practice. Therefore they are right and everyone else is wrong. It's crap. Don't believe it. There is not and never has been a universally accepted set of rules or protocols with respect to bdsm.
In a nutshell, anyone who demands power over you in exchange for education and protection is a predator. They seek easy sex and bdsm play. They will use you for their own pleasures and either kick you to the curb when they find a fresh new victim, or tell you that "you aren't a real sub" if you start to figure it out for yourself and leave them.
Never accept mentoring from someone who approaches you and offers, or who has a profile on line offerring mentoring services. You don't need a mentor. If you do seek someone to help you learn about yourself and the bdsm community, contact the head of a local bdsm group and ask them to recommend an experienced submissive woman to help you "learn the ropes". The best guide for a beginning sub is an experienced sub. Even there though, remember that you are still getting one person's opinion. Join a yahoo community or 2 and ask questions of the group. You will get multiple opinions and points of view, and you can choose what works best for you.
Remember, everyone has these same feelings of need and desire that you do. They seem so urgent because you haven't experienced them yet. Don't let your needs turn off your common sense. If something seems wrong, then it is wrong, no matter how convincing the person trying to convince you may be. You are starting a journey of self discovery. Take it slow and enjoy every step. Don't be in a hurry to get to the finish. |
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"Take A Chance On Me"--ABBA
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me
We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
Take a chance on me
(Come on, give me a break will you?)
Take a chance on me
Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)
Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)
Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
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Shall We Dance? (From the King and I)
Oscar Hammerstein
Anna:
We've just been introduced,
I do not know you well,
But when the music started
Something drew me to your side.
So many men and girls,
Are in each others arms-
It made me think we might be
Similarly occupied.
Shall we dance?
On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?
Shall we dance?
Shall we then say "goodnight and mean "goodbye"?
Or perchance,
When the last little star has left the sky,
Shall we still be together
With are arms around each other
And shall you be my new romance?
On the clear understanding
That this kind of thing can happen,
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
King:
One, two, three and?
Anna:
On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?
King:
One, two, three and?
Anna:
Shall we dance?
King:
One, two, three and?
Anna:
Shall we then say "goodnight and mean "goodbye"?
King:
One, two, three and?
Anna:
Or perchance,
When the last little star has left the sky,
Shall we still be together
With are arms around each other
And shall you be my new romance?
On the clear understanding
That this kind of thing can happen,
Both:
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
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A very nice and intelligent woman replied to my introduction today, to ask why I had contacted her, since she hadn't put much info in her profile, and had just posted it when I wrote her. She got me thinking about the process I use which I had never really consciously thought about. It just sort of evolved. So I decided to post what I told her here, as another glimpse into my head, and as an explanation to the next woman who wants to know why the hell I wrote her. We all want to believe that everyone is as well intentioned as we are. Unfortunately, that just isn't the case. To be honest, I have adopted the shot gun approach. Thirty years in the lifestyle and the past 10 of those involved in the bdsm community and using the internet as a tool to try to find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with has taught me a lot about the way things are. For instance, there are a lot more female subs than male doms. I don't think it's 2 to 1, maybe 3 to 2. That would seem to work in my favor. However, if I select out those I would consider to be "desirable" doms and subs, the ratio is vastly the other way, and there are far more desirable dominant men then their are desirable female subs for them to pair up with. 10 to 1, 20 to 1, 100 to 1, whatever the numbers are, they are bad. I've also found that men and women mature differently in terms of bdsm. Men have no clue what power exchange really is until they stop thinking with their cocks. This doesn't happen until at least the mid to late 30s and for most men it never happens at all. Women on the other hand, either get it young, or they never do. My rule of thumb is that when a "desirable" female sub comes on the market, if she is seeking a committed relationship, she will become unavailable quickly. Any female sub who is seeking a committed relationship who isn't grabbed quickly, is therefore not desirable by my standards. So, the shot gun approach. If all my beliefs are true, then whenever a desirable sub comes on the market, I have to get there fast, or be too late. Getting there fast is obviously no guarantee, either. Desirable isn't the same as compatible. It just means they have the basic characteristics that I need to have in a life partner. After I eliminate all the obvious inappropriate profiles, I find that it is completely impossible to tell the honest profiles from the cyber leeches. The game players are damned good at what they do, otherwise they would have gone into the obviously inappropriate pile. Add to that that maybe half the female profiles on here have nothing on them except statistics to go by, so there is nothing to judge on. So what I do is sit on line with the collarme site open, with my search engine set to female and everything else left blank, and set to select by newest profiles first. Whenever a new female profile pops up, and there are probably a few hundred a day, I eliminate the ones I know I have no interest in, and fire off a quick introduction to the rest, hoping that the law of averages will eventually ensure that I get lucky. Out of the several hundred new ones per day, I probably send 10 to 20 introductions out per day. So yes, I DO read your profile before messaging you, and yes, there was something in there that got at least a "maybe". I get about a 1 in 10 response rate, and most of those are from cam girls or Ghana girls. I usually get 1-3 responses per week worth following up on, so say, 10 per month. Of those, perhaps 1 per year is not a cyber leach. Which means that after all that, in an average year, I get one honest woman who meets my basic standards, who is both available and seeking roughly the same things that I am. Then the real exploration starts to see if there is real compatibility. I have been doing this off and on for about 3 years on collarme, and it has let to an actual dating relationship once. We dated for a couple of months, then she borrowed money from me to pay her rent and never spoke to me again. Thus far I am zero for 2007. |
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About the first meeting:
I've been seeking a long time. There is a reason for that. It's because I have high standards, and I have yet to find a woman who meets them. That's not because my standards are impossibly high. It's because there are very few female subs on here telling the truth and who truly seek a committed, long term, real life relationship. Actually, that isn't altogether true. There are plenty of women on here who have no self respect and no self esteem who are desperate to serve any man who would have them. I don't want a woman who is desperate for anyone. I want a woman who is desperate for me.
I could go on and on about how wonderful I am, and how lucky you would be to belong to me. But my profile pretty much says who I am, what I offer, and what I seek. And the thing is, it doesn't really matter what I say about myself. What matters is you. Are you telling the truth in your profile? Are you really seeking a committed, real life, bdsm relationship? Because if the answer to both of those things is yes, then you seek to meet men in real life to find out if they can be the right one for you. Take my word for it, that you will never learn anything important about anyone except by spending real life time with them. You will learn more in an hour of real time than you will in a year on line. If you believe otherwise you are deceiving yourself and are in for a rude awakening. I've had mine and I speak from experience. First, people lie on line. Far more do than don't. But even if you are lucky enough to be talking to one of the "honest" ones, many of those are lying to themselves. They've convinced themselves they are someone they aren't, and want something they will never have the courage to persue. They believe they are telling you the truth, but somehow, nothing ever seems to quite lead to a real life meeting. It's never their fault, of course. So even after we eliminate the out right liars, the ones lying to themselves, and the ones who are obviously not what we are seeking, what does that leave? It leaves someone who is being honest with themselves, honest with you, and appears to be seeking and providing the same as you are. Happy days! Not exactly. Because that's just the beginning, not the end. There is a lot more than that to make a relationship possible. And those things are the things you can't learn over the internet or the phone. Is there chemistry? Even if looks is your only concern, pictures lie. We all suck in our guts, turn toward the best angle, take the most flattering of the hundreds of pics we have to post. People want to be liked. We all want to be desired. So we put forth only the parts of ourselves we want others to see. We can't do that in real life. Do I like kissing you? That's a major thing for me. I won't know until we meet. There are 100 more things I need to know, that I don't even know I need to know, but I won't until we meet.
So here it is in a nutshell. If you really seek a real life relationship, then you seek to meet. Not in a few months, not in a year, but as soon as we are past the initial weeding out stage, and as soon as circumstances and distance allows. Obviously if there is a considerable distance and expense involved in meeting, we will talk a little longer and be a bit more sure we want to meet. But if distance isn't a factor, a week or two is more than enough time. In fact, a day or two is more than enough for me.
If you are not ready, willing and able to meet as soon as is feasible, assuming we pass each other's initial screening, then as far as I'm concerned, you can file yourself under the "lying to themselves" catagory, and cross me off your list before you waste my time. Because I believe nothing is possible until a first meeting shows me you are real and serious. Show me that you are. I am. |
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I guess today is a wordy day. Have a lot to say, I guess.
If you are reading this, here is what you need to know. If I've said it elsewhere on my profile forgive me for repeating. It's worth repeating.
If I wrote you first, I didn't write a long introduction. It's a waste of time. So few even respond with a "thanks but no thanks", and most of those that do respond are ghana girls or cam girls. The thing is, except for the most obvious ones, I can't tell who is real from who isn't, from a profile. The cyber leeches are professionals at crafting compelling and believable profiles. They are experts at knowing all the right things to say. It's when it comes to actions that they fall apart, but it can take days or even weeks, like the last time, before I can figure it out. It's funny, but these same cyber leeches who create such believable personas, once you figure it out, are soooo bad at making excuses. But I digress... If you are going to feel insulted because I didn't pour my heart and soul into a first e-mail, then be my guest. I poured my heart and soul into this profile. If that's not enough, then so be it.
If you are still reading... I'm not looking for a sub. I'm not looking for someone into *fill in your favorite kink*. I'm not looking for someone who thinks she is doing me a favor by giving me the gift of her submission. There are plenty of "doms" out there who do need women to do tham a favor by submitting to them. That dog don't hunt here. I'm not looking for someone who thinks bad adolescent, jerk-off science fiction books are a valid basis for a mature relationship. I'm not looking for someone who thinks acting like a child is an option. I'm not looking for someone who think real people are kept naked and caged 24/7 in the real world.
I'm looking for a woman. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for a woman who wants a real man who lives in the real world, to love her, protect her, take care of her, and who will spend the rest of his life convincing her that she is the luckiest woman in the world. The d/s, bdsm, kink, whatever you want to call it will fall into place. We are on this site aren't we? If you want dominance, love, security, trust and everything that goes along with it, all you have to do is give me your body, heart and soul in return.
If you are smart. If you are strong. If you are confident. If you are capable of trust. If you are relatively sane. If you are honest. If you are reliable. If you have integrity. If you live in the real world. If you want MORE. Then that is what I want, too. And I will never stop searching for you. And may all the cyber leeches who stand in my way spend eternity enduring the kind of pain they inflict on others. |
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Ok, so I'm a bit moody today. Big tough guy that I am, the last one really hurt. I tell myself not to invest anything until they show up in real life, but I'm not a robot. I can't turn myself on and off like that. The problem is, that I want to believe. I want to trust. And the cyber leeches can smell that a mile away.
Despite the fact that I joke about wearing a sign on my back that says "Lie to me", that's exactly what it is.
She seemed so perfect. I've never met a woman I could talk to on the phone with for 3 hours, never mind do it every night for weeks. Of course, she was so perfect because she fed me exactly what she knew I wanted to hear. I wonder if there is a cyber leech network. Do they get off the phone or IM with their victims and give status reports to each other on how many days it will be before they pull the rug out? There's no doubt in my mind that she already has a new fake profile up on here trolling for her next victim, and I'm sure I wasn't the first. Sometimes I wonder if I've even been screwed more than once by the same woman.
Ahhh poor pitiful me. I despise whiners, and here I am going on like a pro. Maybe venting to a journal will help me get past it. I've survived worse before and will again. |
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And the beat goes on...
Pretty words. There are a lot of pretty words on here, but most are lies. In fact, if I had to define the bdsm community, "pretty lies" would cover it. As you can tell if you read my profile, I'm frustrated beyond measure. The general gist of my interactions is to contact someone. She tells me she read my profile and she can't believe that all those women behave that way. We talk and talk and seem to be making progress, then she flakes out on me like all the others. I was supposed to be traveling to TN this week to meet someone who seemed like all the crap I've been through was worth it. We were spending hours on the phone every day and had so much in common it was almost frightening. Then she stopped taking my calls and 5 days later sent me an e-mail saying she was involved with a couple, didn't know why she had put up the profile, but had confessed to them and been forbidden any more contact with me.
Having been through that identical scenario so many times, I just let it go. It's obvious that every word she told me from day one was a lie. I know the story about the couples was. Life goes on.
I have sometimes thought that it has to be me. Can every "submissive woman" I meet really be that fucked up? Unfortunately, they can and they are. I put submissive woman in quotes because that's what they call themselves. I would disagree. I think the internet age has allowed a wide range of broken and disfunctional people to define themselves as submissive, and dominant for that matter, instead of getting real help. Insecure men who cover it up by trying to find weaker and more insecure women to dominate. Emotionally shattered women who call themselves submissive in the hopes that a strong man can rebuild them. I'm sorry if I seem unsympathetic, but get help and STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
So I'm sorry. No more understanding, no more patience. None. We exchange an e-mail or two. We move to IM for a conversation. We then move to the phone for a day or three. Then we plan a first meeting. As soon as you start to hum and haw and make excuses, I terminate the conversation. Either know what you want and work to make it happen, or find another sucker.
I still have hope that **YOU** are out there. If you are reading this, then I know **YOU** understand that this isn't aimed at you. It's aimed at getting the whackos out of the way so that **YOU** and I can find each other.
A friend sent me this yesterday. Submissive women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
If that offends you, good. It offends me that it's the truth. if the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't, write me. |
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Welcome to a glimpse of my world....
To set the scene, a couple of weeks ago I got a message from a "submissive" woman who lived within driving distance. She contacted me first. No hello, no polite introduction, just a Yahoo id. So being the curious sort, I added her and sent her a message. "Hi. this is shallwedance from collarme.com" A few days later, I got a response. "I don't have an account on collarme.com" A day or two later she came on line the same time I was and we talked and all of a sudden, she did have an account on collarme, but we didn't talk long. She impressed me as being rude and obnoxious, and being used to that, I forgot about it.
Then 2 weeks or so later, we had the following conversation on yahoo. At first, I didn't remember who she was...
She: (11/9/2007 8:18:51 PM): hi
me: (11/9/2007 8:19:02 PM): hi
She: (11/9/2007 8:19:19 PM): what was your profile name on collarme
Me: (11/9/2007 8:19:47 PM): lol...Ive had a few...when did we talk?
She: (11/9/2007 8:20:06 PM): what is the one you have on now
Me: (11/9/2007 8:20:19 PM): shallwedance
She: (11/9/2007 8:20:22 PM): ok
She: (11/9/2007 8:20:29 PM): i'm reading it now
Me: (11/9/2007 8:20:48 PM): lol..I'm wordy
She: (11/9/2007 8:22:15 PM): you don't remember me at all
She: (11/9/2007 8:22:26 PM): we chatted a few days ago
She: (11/9/2007 8:22:46 PM): some of the things you want to do
Me: (11/9/2007 8:22:47 PM): what is your collarme name?
She: (11/9/2007 8:22:50 PM): i'm not into
**At this point she didn't answer my question, so I waited and after about a minute she "buzzed" me. I find that unspeakably rude and it's one of the fastest ways to piss me off**
ME: (11/9/2007 8:24:37 PM): I asked what your collarme name is
She: (11/9/2007 8:24:37 PM): let me see your pic
She: (11/9/2007 8:24:50 PM): *****
Me: (11/9/2007 8:25:55 PM): ok, I remember you now
She: (11/9/2007 8:26:13 PM): and
She: (11/9/2007 8:26:24 PM): what do u remember
Me: (11/9/2007 8:27:06 PM): not much, to be honest. I talk to a lot of subs, and most of them are just playing games
Me: (11/9/2007 8:28:21 PM): I think you just sent me your yahoo, then you didnt rememebr who I was when I added you, and it didn't go much past that
She: (11/9/2007 8:28:47 PM): we chatted
She: (11/9/2007 8:28:54 PM): i am not alot of subs
She: (11/9/2007 8:29:00 PM): i am an individual
** My phone then rang. It was an important call**
Me: (11/9/2007 8:29:42 PM): hang on a sec
She: (11/9/2007 8:29:44 PM): i thought you were shall we dance
She: (11/9/2007 8:29:59 PM): but i wanted to make sure
Me: (11/9/2007 8:30:01 PM): i am
She: (11/9/2007 8:30:09 PM): that's why I asked u what your cm name was
She: (11/9/2007 8:30:12 PM): i know that
She: (11/9/2007 8:30:18 PM): you confirmed it
** She then "buzzed" me again, after I had asked her to hang on a second**
She: (11/9/2007 8:30:36 PM): are u busuy
She: (11/9/2007 8:30:38 PM): busy
Me: (11/9/2007 8:30:45 PM): phone
She: (11/9/2007 8:31:02 PM): so take the call
She: (11/9/2007 8:31:14 PM): it may be your sub girlfriend on the line
**She then "buzzed" me a third time**
She: (11/9/2007 8:33:29 PM): now i feel like i've been chatting with a pretender
** At this point, I deleted her from my contact list and put her on ignore. I would have done it sooner, but was busy on the phone. She subsequently wrote me two messages to my collarme account, both of which I deleted unread, then put her on blocked here as well.
This is not unusual at all. Not counting the Ghanna girls, the porn site girls, and the cam-girls, I get maybe one reply for every 20 introductions I write. I usually only write to women with well written profiles, though if I have a hunch, I sometimes break this rule. I don't write to women who specify that they are seeking something other than what I am offerring, and I write polite, literate introductions when I do write. Of the 1 in 20 that do respond, maybe half are polite "thanks but no thanks", which is fine. Most of the rest are either obnoxious or stupid, like this woman. In the 10 years I have been on line, I have met only a handful of women from bdsm personals sites. Some of those became friends. Only one did I explore a relationship with. Now you might think I'm frustrated. Nah. One in 10 years and all I have to put up with is idiots like this while looking for another? Why would that frustrate me? |
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"my master doesn't let me talk to other dominants"
"my master reads all my e-mails"
"if you wish to speak with me, you must ask my master's permission"
What a crock of shit. News flash, ladies. If your "master" reads your e-mails and restricts who you can speak with, it's because he's insecure and/or he doesn't trust you. Now perhaps he has good cause not to trust you. In which case, he's still a loser for staying with a woman he doesn't trust. Of course, that doesn't say much about you either, for staying with a "master" who is a loser.
The sorry truth of our modern bdsm community is that most dominants are insecure and have low self esteem. They pretend to dominance to inflate their own egos, so they can treat someone else as more pathetic than they are and thus feel more like a real man. And then there are the female dominants. Female supremecy? When I was growing up, we had a word for someone who thought one group was beter than another. Bigot, I think it was. I love the profiles where they demand respect. Anyone who has to demand respect doesn't merit it. No exceptions. Then there are the "dommes" who seek worms and lowlifes to serve them. There are surely plenty of them out there. Now me, I want the best for myself. Perhaps for most of these women, worms and lowlifes are the best they can hope to attract. I just wish that when all these losers find each other, they would drop off the site and quit filling the band width with their babble.
And finally, No I don't have to get your "master's" permission to speak to you. First, if you would stay with a loser like that, you don't interest me anyway. Second, I don't follow your "master's" rules and will speak to whoever I please. You may need his permission to reply, but that isn't at all the same thing, is it?
I will spend today reminding myself that there ARE good people out there. I've even met some of them. Somewhere my girl is waiting for me to find her and I know she would laugh at any wannabe who wanted to read her e-mail.
This has been a test of the emergency ranting system. In the event of a real rant, you will receive instructions on where to take shelter. This is only a test.... |
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Too bad this isn't "Wheel of Collarme". There are so many on here who really need to spend the $250 to buy a clue.
I'm a profile junkie. Ok, let's be honest. I get pleasure from reading mindless drivel. There are the grammatically challenged posts from the ghana-girls. I wonder what collarme gets paid for each scam post they allow. Perhaps they don't get paid, and just allow it because it inflates their female membership numbers.
Then there are the clueless fools who think putting "Mistress" before their name turns them into dominatrices. Or is it "true dominates"? I get those confused. Today we have a newly joined "mistress" who "mercifully" joined the ranks. Her profile starts with, "On your Knees Now!!!". She capped "knees". Maybe she seeks a sub with dominant knees? I sent her a message asking her what person with a shred of self respect would respond to a profile like that, while admitting that there are plenty without it that would. She replied that I should "GO FUCK YOURSELF & YOUR DOGS TOO!" Guess that put me in my place....
I could go on, and on, and on. The "I want to be kept naked and caged" girls. The "submission is a gift" girls. The endless legions of desperate boys who if I called my cat "Mistress Sassy" would be writing begging to clean her litter box with their tongues. The "service tops" who will dominate you however you order them to. Geez, am I on a roll, or what? That must be why I have all this butter on my pants.... |
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If you sift through female profiles, you will find one after another with some varient of "write me a detailed, informative introduction that shows you read my profile, if you want a reply". Guess what happens when you do? You get invitations to pay porn sites, cam-girl sites, or messages from "real, genuine" women in Africa who just need you to send them airfare so they can come be with you forever. As for legitimate replies from real women? Nothing. No replies. Send out 100 such introductions, get 1 real reply...maybe. Doesn't matter what you write, or what your profile says.
As an aside, if you report the spammers and scammers, then check the profiles again in a month or two or six, the fake profiles will still be there. Methinks that perhaps they originate with the same scum whos paid advertising you see all over this site.
So what's an honest man to do? I now write short introductions. If you are one of the real women out there, and you think I can't be serious because I won't take the time to write you in detail...it's not about you. It's about not being willing to write 100 detailed introductions in hopes of getting 1 real reply, often hoping in vain. If you want a detailed introduction, then recognise that I'm sifting through a ton of garbage hoping to find a jewel. A quick reply to let me know that you too are real and serious will get a more detailed introduction from me.
I put a lot of thought into my profile. Yes I read yours before I wrote. No I don't send messages to everyone female and breathing.
In closing, a word about courtesy. A profile on a site like this is an invitation. It's saying, "Here I am. Please contact me." Unless you put something in your profile saying, "I'm not looking", or "don't contact me", then people are going to accept your invitation and write you. So please take a minute or two to indicate your paramaters. If you aren't interested in anyone over 40, or under 6' in height, then SAY SO. It will save people who aren't what you are seeking the wasted time of writing to you, and your wasted time in reading introductions from someone you aren't going to be interested in. If you don't put any requirements on your profile then expect anyone to write to you. Is that really what you want? Anyone? I get a lot of women who will take anyone writing to me (and everyone else). Sorry, not interested. I understand that you get a lot of messages from idiots. If someone sends you a picture of their genitalia, orders to "get on your knees, bitch" or clearly doesn't fit what your profile says you are seeking, then you have no obligation to respond. But if someone writes you a polite introduction and does fit what you say you are seeking, then have the courtesy to acknowledge that they took the time to write you. Even if it's just to say "Thanks but no thanks".
In the meantime, I will continue to hold my nose and sift through the drek. I deserve a jewel. And somewhere out there is a jewel who deserves me. |
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Well I've survived my first full weekend on collarme. A couple of things come to mind. Several women have told me they think I am "too extreme" for them. While I agree that I am not right for them, it's not because I'm too extreme. As a "top", I enjoy the reactions I get. The positive reactions, that is. I understand that there are some who thrive on negative reactions and some bottoms who enjoy being used that way, but that isn't what motivates me. Nor am I a "service top" who caters to his bottom's every wish and whim. I enjoy intensity and awakening passion. Knife play need not involve cutting. Much of my knife play is done with a knife that could barely cut butter. Then again, I also have one that would make a scalpel jealous. Which one I use depends on the woman I am with. My goal though is to engage in a mutually rewarding experience. I do not play casualy these days, so when I do play, it's with someone I care about. I would receive no pleasure from putting someone I care about through a bad experience. So if you see something on my preference list and think, "I would never do that", it's unlikely I would ever make you do so. I might try to ease or coax you into trying it, but forcing you to do something that would be a bad experience for you is not something I would do. Having power and using it wisely are not the same thing. Just because I could do something doesn't mean I should or would.
A dominant woman asked me why my profile says I am seeking dominant women, as well as switches or submissive women. I would think that is obvious from what I wrote in my profile, but apparently those here before me have muddied the water enough that I need to clarify. I find strong confident women extremely atractive. While there are plenty of weak women who identify as submissive and dominant, why would I exclude someone who might be perfect for me, merely because we are both dominant? I know of several couples where both are dominant, and they seem quite happy. Nor am I one of those idiots who believe that all dominant women are really submissives who just haven't met THEM yet. If I like you, it will be for who you are, not what I could turn you into. I would not expect a dominant woman to submit to me. If things work out, we will find a way that works for us both. |
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| Age: 30 |
| Chicago,
Illinois |
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