It's a mad, mad world - and I just love it!  Some wonderful times recently... and everything is getting better and better.

A close friend has shared a wonderful secret with me - and no, before you even think it I'm not going to share it here!  It is such a privilege to be welcomed in to the innermost workings of a life, but with that comes responsibility too.  In knowing another person so well, you can directly influence their lives (for better and for worse) and so I find myself becoming almost maternal over this individual.  Strange too, to say that, since he is almost two decades older than me.  Nonetheless his liberal sharing of his secrets with me leaves me wishing to protect and defend him.   This very much mirrors my own views about the responsibility the dominant partner has in any relationship, let alone a BDSM one.  That kind of trust leads to a multitude of different emotional responsibilities which can encompass everything from being a lover to a mother, and must not be abused.

As to my own life I find myself wishing to share more, but unable, at the present time, to do so.  Lack of time, social commitments, and other constraints, conspire to leave me somewhat isolated.  When I first realised this I did wonder whether this would develop into a feeling of loneliness, but I have found that the opposite is the case.  Instead I have found a refuge in my own imagination that I never realised existed, and in my daily life I find that my observance of others has become even more keen.  Conversations have become wonderful games where I find myself peeling back the psychological layers of those I meet until I find the naked person within.  Some have realised what I am doing, others have not.  None have minded, and some have even welcomed it most enthusiastically.  I find my time spent with other people seems to become almost like ad hoc therapy sessions for them.  I have come to realise that purely mental domination and dominion is something that many find irresistible, and rather exciting – even if they would normally say that they do not find BDSM or any kind of physical domination attractive. 

I recall one conversation with a particularly challenging individual...
It was challenging since he had a very well-defined (although rather one-dimensional) sense of his own importance and intelligence and, as a result, was completely convinced of his own superiority over at least 99.9% of the living population. 

Our talk was especially rewarding.  He had judged me before meeting me simply on the basis of a 50 word biography - and had pretty much written me off as yet another female who would not have much of a brain, and certainly no ideas or life patterns that could possibly challenge his own views, let alone stand any chance of changing them. 

We chatted easily however, and at the beginning I let him patronise me – until, suddenly, he made a comment that allowed me to verbally “slap” him back.  Let me emphasise though – this “slap” was not rude – in fact to anyone listening it merely seemed to be an amusing aside as if to lighten the moment.  However, he caught it.  I knew he had since he looked at me very intensely and blinked – three times – and that’s a sure sign that someone is realising that they have been reprimanded in the most subtle of ways. 

Once that moment had passed I could tell from the change in the way he continued to converse with me that he was re-evaluating me.  By the end of our chat he was actively encouraging me to delve deeper into his mind.  How interesting it was.  Sadly the evening ended before our conversational duel had run it’s course.  I was amused, however, that upon his departure, he sought to take me to one side and to assure me that we would continue our conversation upon our next meeting.  I’m sure it will be most interesting!

On the BDSM side of my life I am very happy, although a tiny bit frustrated.  My sweet little boy has been away for 6 days with work, and whilst speaking on the phone, allowing my control to reach out to him always, does amuse me, it pales when compared to the pleasure I get from him being in my presence and by my side. 

Recently we have been incorporating some extremely extended sessions into our playtimes.  Restrictive bondage and complete sensory deprivation has been a keynote, and his torments have lasted up to 36 hours at a stretch. 

He tells me that whilst he lies there (or, indeed, hangs) waiting for me to return to play with him, unable to move, to know if it is day or night, what time it is, or whether I am even in the house or not, his submission burns very fiercely.  He likens it to a desperate need to scratch an itch – something that grows and becomes more and more urgent as each moment passes – until he feels almost unable to stay still (despite the tight bondage) and his skin tingles and shivers with anticipation.  And then, finally, when I do quietly come into the room and suddenly surprise him with either a gentle caress, or a sharp tweak to a tender nipple, his body explodes with a feeling of incredible desire and a feeling of being totally lost in his need for the pain and pleasure he knows I can deliver. 

It’s pleasing for me too, since, when I do choose to lift his blindfold and gaze down at him, I can see the yearning in his eyes and, even with a cruel and effective gag, appreciate his muffled pleadings for my attention.

Additionally, the process of keeping him ready for use in such a restrictive way is having a profound effect on his day to day demeanour too.  He has always been ready to play at the drop of a hat (such a little slut he is!), but now his general behaviour during more ‘vanilla’ moments in our lives is more strongly coloured by a subtle display of his submission, and his very deep knowledge that there is no-one else who can make him feel precisely this way.  It has brought us even closer (if that were possible), and I adore knowing that my power over him and our play sessions engender such powerful, almost Pavlovian, responses in him.

Life is a tapestry, and certainly mine seems to live up to that at the moment.  So many different things to capture my attention and time, and so little time to devote to them all, so some have to suffer a little neglect now and then - including this journal.

However, now seems right to relight this little candle of my thoughts and experiences...

I've had some wonderful moments in the past two months or so - some so magical that just their memory takes my breath away. 

Playing in the heat of the day as slow waves lap at a sandy shore, watching as my boy struggles and sweats to please me.  He's been so very good recently - especially since I have been in the mood to put him to some very hard physical tests.  His ability to withstand pain and continue to peform during some very severe breath control sessions surprised even me.  He was suitably rewarded.

The image of him bound, helpless, vulnerable, exposed, and full of a need to please me is so foremost in my mind as I write this.  Reduced to almost a non-person as sight, speech, movement, hearing and breathing was removed from him, leaving him absolutely dependent on me for survival - ah, what a delicious time.  I've decided that full control sessions will form the major theme in our play for now.  Again, I notice my cyclic nature as I move away from what had been very sensual, gentle, service oriented playtimes towards heavier, harder play.  Perhaps in Winter I prefer more sensual play... the sun, the warmth of spring, and the promise of a hot summer, encourage the fire of my dominance a more fierce expression.

I've often heard the question "Is there life on Mars?", and to be honest it's not been something I've ever considered one way or the other.  However, after a little while on collarme.com I had found myself asking "Is there intelligent life on here?"

Well, after much weeding through the pond scum, I have found the answer.  Yes, there is - but sadly not quite as much as I had hoped.  However, in the scale of things - and yes, I am one female who does think that size has a bearing on most matters - I have to thank my lucky stars that I have found even a small core of people who have not only an interest in BDSM, but enough of a brain to be able to converse sensibly, and interestingly, about it.

My conversations in the past week or so have been most interesting, and some have certainly given me fresh inspiration for delicious tortures to inflict on my submissive.  Thank you for those folks!

One indirect result of these conversations has also been to re-awaken the extreme sadist in me.  It had been some time since I had seriously put thought into how to make some flesh really suffer, and now I find myself enervated by the images and ideas that have re-surfaced in my mind.  However, while considering the infliction of extreme pain and torture, I have, in a reaction to that brutality, also found myself re-exploring some of the more sensual and gentle sides of BDSM play too. 

I've come to the conclusion that these two sides to my dominant nature, whilst apparently dichotomous, are not mutually exclusive.  I've found that it is necessary for me to touch the extremes of both in order to feel totally at peace with myself.

Pain sluts of my acquaintance beware!... The whips are itching for a workout!

S^A 

Well, after a couple of days on here and I find myself both intrigued and entranced in equal measure by many of the lovely people here.  Hopefully you know who you are!

However, I also find myself irritated and annoyed by some of the mails and chat requests I have received.  What part of my profile do these people not understand? 

I will repeat, clearly, and finally here:  I am married to my long term submissive and will be remaining that way for a long, long time!  I am here only to make friends. 

I do not want to waste my time answering mails from people who think they will be so handsome, witty, charming, submissive, devoted, sluttish etc. etc. that they will tempt me to play with them, and/or leave my husband.  In future I will not be replying to these messages.  You have been warned!

~Oh, and a PS - If you think addressing me as "oy Miztrs u r gr8 + i m hrd 4 u" rings my bell and makes me weak at the knees with desire you are as deluded as you are stupid!  

Rant over, let normal, happy and friendly, service be resumed! 

S^A