So this weekend has been an utter disaster for me, it had started out with a great idea from Ma'am.......Ma'am wanted some time alone on Saturday so i went to work, they were having a party for the residents, i ended up cooking so i wont have to socialize that much...burnt hot dogs and over cooked hamburgers for EVERYONE!! lol good thing it was a potluck! i'm not that great a cook. But because i had gone to work i forgot Sunday was Sunday....Ma'am had told me that She would take me to the zoo...i was very excited! i love the zoo! i just like to have someone with to share the experience, its better that way...i should have asked for more clearification....we went to the zoo alright...drove straight through it...i got to see some ibex and some other small goatish thing that were penned closed to the road...the parking lots were full since it was a holiday weekend...so instead possibly finding a car park, Ma'am drove us home...saying on the way that i could go grocery shopping instead...yay. i was very upset and disappointed...i couldnt stop fuckin crying (and crying pisses me off even more)...i stayed in my room for the rest of the day, Ma'am allowed me to eat in there too, which is a rare and very nice treat...i fell asleep and awoke in an even grumpier mood because it was 900 degrees in the house (i really really dont do well when i am hot)...i took the dog out and it was just as hot outside as it was inside..gah!!...i asked Ma'am when we returned if we could turn on the a/c, its off because it cost so much to run and the weather had turned cooler...i couldnt take it, i grabbed my keys and a book and went to my car...i was there for an hour and half...when i went inside i apologized for taking off like that but the heat had brought me to my boiling point and i knew i had to get out...Ma'am graciously turned the a/c on and for that i am eternally grateful...but now Ma'am is mad at me again because i lost Her bank card while doing the shop last night...it was a complete and total accident and it upsets me that She is acting like i did it on purpose because i didnt loose my card too..it upsets me because i would never do anything to hurt or ruin something of Hers...this was an unfortunate accident...one i'm very sorry for...now today Ma'am is ill...there is nothing i can do to help Her...i have asked several times but She got irriated...so i'm laying low...i'll cook Her casserole and eggplant later...maybe that will make Her feel better

Late! Late! Late! my journal is late once again! i hate writing it but it has to be done...i certainly dont want the punishments that follow late journals!!! i saw a fox today on my walk, it stopped to watch us for a while...that is a good sign...seeing my totem is ALWAYS a good sign...getting back to my exercise, that makes me happy too...had a heart to heart with Ma'am this weekend, that was extremely good...i want to be the slave i know i can be...my trust is little warbly and i think that is most of the problems...i know i'm a damaged person and need to remember that in my deals with people

This was a very good weekend..I have been very stressed out lately and Ma'am allowed me to vent a little. She was very understanding and sought ways to help alleviate my stress. I have not been in the proper frame of mind to be a slaveof late...the stress I am under has kept me in a singular frame of mind...I I have been submissive, yes..but a slave, no...what will happen if I can't get back there? That worries me a lot..I don't want to be forced to leave but what good am I to Ma'am? This weights heavily on my mind.

Last week was Ma’am’s birthday I bought Her a gift I thought She would really like but was so worried it wasn’t going to be received right..lol…all week it sat on the book shelf…I was WAY more excited about it than She was…I kept pointing out Her and asking Her if She would like to open it earlier…FINALLY Her day came and as soon as I heard Her awake I grabbed it and brought it to Her…when She started to open it, She took FOREVER!! I was dying! Once it was opened She really liked it! I was so happy that She liked it…I couldn’t afford to take Her out but I’m planning a foot spa day for Her…I’m going to really pamper Her feeties!!

Even though living in close knit packs provide wolves with a strong sense of family, they are still able to maintain their individuality. Wolves represent the spirit of freedom, but they realize that having individual freedom requires having responsibilities.

Because wolf is a teacher and pathfinder, he comes when we need guidance in our lives. Those who have a Wolf Totem will move on to teach others about sacredness and spirituality. Wolf can also teach how to balance the responsibility of family needs and not to lose one's personal identity.

Wolf teaches us to develop strength and confidence in our decisions. He shows we will learn to trust our insights once we learn how to value our inner voice. This wisdom keeps us from inappropriate action. If wolf appears in your life examine where you need to develop more confidence and if you need more balance between friends, family, and yourself.

Fox's clever nature makes it a master of camouflage. When hunted by hounds, Fox will psyche them out by doubling back on its own trail, and run around in circles to break the scent. It has the amazing ability to meld into the background, allowing it to quietly observe the situation around them.

Fox comes to us when we need to slip out of a situation so we can be silent witness to what is really taking place behind the scenes. We need to use our cleverness to our advantage, but we must remember to be discreet. Fox asks us to carefully look at where we are coming from, so we can remember to approach things with a clear conscious.

my two main totems...they govern and guide me...the wolf being my main or strongest totem

So tired....i'm working so hard right now...working like a slave at work...come home and i'm guilt ridden for not being able to do things i should be doing...i try...on the weekend i try and make up and work hard and i do but then i dont get much rest and at end the week end i'm even more tired and exhausted...Monday i drag ass through my day and by Wednesday i have a few exhausted tiny cries...just so tired...i dont know what to do about it

Ranaa was conceived of selective breeding in the pens of some city to be a pleasure slave. During a war her mother seized an opportunity to escape; she fled to the forests surrounding the city. Six months pregnant, belly swollen and starved, she tumbled upon a small panther camp. The Panthers took her in, recognizing an opportunity for a double profit later on; they could sell both the slave and the child. Three months later in the middle of the night Ranaa was born. Knowing it would be harder to sell a newborn the Panthers allowed the girl to stay and serve them as the child grew. Ranaa’s mother was grateful to the Panthers; she gave them her loyalty and obedience. The En decided She liked having a slave to tend Her and Her Sisters and kept the girl and her child as camp slaves; a rare occurrence but not an unnatural choice.

So the girl child was raised and trained by her mother to the ways of slave hood. Ranaa was demure, soft spoken, and always obedient; not surprising given her breeding. The child was a rare beauty and delight to the camp; the Panthers coddled her and loved her. She was a brief respite to the hardship of their lives. Ranaa possessed an innocence that the Panthers came to love; she was everything their world was not, soft and sweet. It was decided by the En and supported by the tribe that the girl’s innocence would be preserved and protected for as long as possible. Ranaa was kept from all prisoners, especially the men; she was never allowed to witness them unclothed. When the tribe acquired new slaves, they were forbidden to discuss or explain what a red silk was trained for or any aspects of sex. Ranaa was trained and kept a white silk; never knowing what sex was, how babies were conceived or born, or any of those things other slaves and the Free took for granted. Her slave heat was never ignited in that way, except for her desire to please the Huntresses.

Not that Ranaa didn’t have fire, she did, and it was just used for serving the Panthers and bringing them joy. She was bred a pleasure slave, beautiful and exotic, but her slave heat remained unlit; she wasn’t even aware of what it was.

Ranaa grew up happy serving the Panthers in her sheltered little world; she had never even been beat or shown any harshness. But Gor is a harsh place and the Panther’s world even harsher. The tribe lived deep in the forest, rarely stumbled upon by a wayward man out seeking his fortune. Luck finally ran out on the tiny tribe, an escaped captive brought their secluded peaceful world to screaming halt one night.

Ranaa awoke to the sounds savage of fighting and screams, smoke filled her nose and she coughed; crawling from her furs she peered out of the tiny hut. Roughly she was seized in hands of steel and thrown to the ground; coughing and gasping she was bound quickly and left. Her eyes seemed to swallow her face as she took in what she saw…everywhere there seemed to be men, huts were burning, the Panthers desperately trying to defend themselves and get away. Ranaa was terrified. With growing horror she watched the only family she had ever known be bound, beaten, or just brutally killed. Amidst all the chaos the En appeared at her side, She was wild eyed and blood splattered; quickly She cut the girl loose and started to lead her toward the forest.

Lightening flashed across the sky and the En froze clutching at Her back; Her hands came away bloody, She looked at Ranaa. “Run!” She screamed as She fell to Her knees; Ranaa stood there wide eyed, transfixed by Her bloody hands. The En raised her blood soaked hands and pointed to the forest beyond “Run, Ranaa! Run! Get away! Don’t come back!” She screamed at the girl again. The desperation in Her voice broke the girl’s paralysis and she sprinted into the woods. Terror and horror filled her as she ran. Rain pelted down on her as tree branches whipped and scratched her; shrubs became like clutching fingers grabbing at her tattered camisk. This fueled her to run faster in panic; she ran until the only sound she could her was her own panting breath. On she ran even as her breath became tortured; she ran until she finally collapsed under a large tree along the bank of a stream. Her adrenaline causing her fear to guide her she climbed in among the exposed roots in the sandy bank. They offered her a small sense of protection as she curled up into a little ball; crying she fell into an exhausted sleep. When she awoke she didn’t know what had happened or where she was. She followed the stream; wandering for many days, eating berries and hiding at any loud noise. It was just by sheer luck and maybe the will of the Priest Kings that she wasn’t eaten by some wild animal. Aimlessly she stumbled on....

grrrrrr.....having to write this again  

Had a most wonderful Saturday with Ma'am and the dog-child...we went to a local dog beach...the dog has been becoming more and more adventurous with water, he gets in the baby pool at the dog park, takes himself out into creeks, even jumped right into a small pool that formed in a creek...so we thought he might enjoy the dog beach..lol...WRONG! he was scared of the motion and noise of the waves, plus it was a mostly big dogs so before long his confidence level was was really low and he started to pick fights...i did bring him out into the water at one point but he didn't like it...

with the dog-child attacking others we decided to leave...we went up into the park and ate the lunches i had made for us...a special salad for Ma'am and i had gotten a Subway sandwich for me...it was good lunch i had also packed us vegge snacks and trail mix..the only bad thing was i forgot to bring us water...but luckily i had a bottle of my flavoured water and we shared that plus the park had decent water fountains so it was all good...

after lunch we laid out on the tiered seating over looking the water and rested there for a while...we met the nicest couple with a tiny two month old puppy...the puppy was adorable we next went to another beach within the park...dogs had to be leashed but that was alright...it was quiet, very few people, the sand was nice and soft...the dog-child was much more relaxed there...we hung about talking and wading, it was so relaxing...i did drag the dog-child (and yes, i mean dragged!) into the water again   he was NOT happy about that...he swam because he had and when he got out he gave me a look like "i dont like you, Mommy." it was so cute i had to laugh...we were there from 10am to 3:30pm..it was great! When we got home we all just laid about! Thank You, Ma'am, for such a wonderful time!

Stopped at a red light was a big motorcycle, with big tires and a big engine.
Sitting on top of the bike was a big biker, with big arms, big tattoos and a big beard.

Along came a little old man on a moped.
He stopped beside the big biker and looked over at the big bike.

"Good Lord", he exclaimed "that sure is a BIG bike".

"Sure is", growled the biker.

"I bet it goes pretty fast", commented the old man.

"Sure does", growled the big biker.

"Mind if I take a closer look?", asked the old man.

"Go ahead", replied the biker "just don't touch nothing.

So the old man got his face real close to the bike, the better to see all the big shiny parts. Meanwhile, the light turned green.
The big biker decided to show off a little, and hits the throttle hard, laying a strip of rubber and accelerating to tremendous speed in the blink of an eye.
Looking back in his mirror, the biker saw a black speck gaining on him fast, so he pinned the throttle...but still, the thing was gaining hard.
Suddenly it flew past the astonished biker like he was sitting still.

"Goddam!” exclaimed the big biker, and before he could do anything else, the thing flew past him in the other direction, going even faster!
Stunned and amazed, the big biker pulled over to consider the situation.

Looking back in his mirror, the biker saw the black speck coming at him again; suddenly the biker realized it was the old man on the moped!

KER-WHAM!

The old man on the moped suddenly drove into the back of the big bike, totally destroying his little moped.
The big biker ran around to the back of his bike, and there was the little old man laying on the ground moaning.

"Holy crap old-timer", he exclaimed "are you alright, can I do anything for you?"

"Yes!” the old man groans "would you mind unhooking my suspenders from your handlebars?" 

Soo tired but it was very productive weekend...worked my hinney off this weekend...cleaned the house, did the laundry, did the shopping..(over $400 but we have everything we need for the next week...lmao!!)...Ma'am filled in for me on the bits i missed cuz She is most awesome...came home to Her coughing and sniffling..my poor Ma'am is sick...She isnt one for being babied but i gave Her cold drugs and some oj...i tried to make sure She had anything She needed.

Whew! What a day…i did all the laundry today, normally not such a big deal but i’m still healing from my surgery and it took its toll on me…i was struggling halfway through and in pain by the end…but i pushed through it…Ma’am wasn’t feeling well  and She has been wonderful during my recovery so i just wanted Her to rest…yesterday we went to the MC RunAmuck and even though i wasn’t supposed to we ALL ran lol…i followed Ma’am’s gdaughter during her race taking pictures…we all had fun!

So its been two months since my last entry...to say i'm bad at journaling would be an understatement...a lot has gone on in the last two months...i had to have surgery three weeks ago to remove a 4" tumour off one of my ovaries...it was benign and that was a huge relief...they removed my ovary and fallopian tube...i was in the hospital for two days then home with Ma'am...She has  phenomenal in taking care of me...its been a very slow process it seems and right as i was going back to work, i got really sick...i've been nauseous for three days...this whole thing has been a huge stress and i have been unable to be any sort of slave for Ma'am...from now on i will write here every Sunday, even if there isnt much to say

my Misterss is the best! She taj-kes  a very good care of me...She leyt =s me elick teh icing firm ths the blenders s=blades..i like Her very much and wu=ill fight you in a ring if yu di=ont thinkshe is the best!! ant plaavr any whers..i will scrsp you and wu=inn!

We had a really good weekend...i had to work last Saturday and on the way home i stopped and got Ma’am some wine coolers...12 to be exact..lol...they had a 12 variety pack at the store and since i couldnt make up my mind so i bought the big one

Ma’am and i drank them while we watched “Black Swan’...i dont recommend it to anyone BUT they did have a pretty good lesbian scene ;)
After the movie Ma’am told me to go to bed and then She came in a few minutes later...She said wanted to watch me masturbate...so i started, Ma’am played with my nipples then asked me where i kept my dildo..i had mentioned to Her before that i had wanted to ask Her to fuck me with it but had been afraid to because “i might get what i asked for...” She got it out and pushed it inside me..She fucked me with for a little while making me squirm and squeal then told me to fuck myself...She played with my nipples and licked and bit my face as fucked myself...it was hot

Ma’am then got semi between my legs and helped me fuck myself while She rode my thigh and hip...i thought i was going loose control several times and cum without permission..She was moaning with me, making me all the more hotter..She kept Her knee pressed up hard against the dildo and it hurt, i kept trying to squirm up away from it but i was at the headboard all ready and had no where to go...Ma’am alternated between lick and biting my face and neck to nipples and even my stomach..when She eventually let me cum..it was awesome!

Then She started fucking me again making me cum a second time and then a third! on the third i actually shot the dildo out of my pussy..lol...i was soooo sore Sunday and even today..it hurts to sit down, cough, and even pee!! But it is a welcome pain.

Let me start off by thanking my wonderful Mistress for a very lovely birthday one i’m not going to forget…not many slaves get three-day birthdays! If they even get birthdays at all! mine started the day before when Ma’am told me that She KNEW it was birthday the next day and that i could pick a place for us to go to dinner at on Sunday! Then that night my Ma’am told me to take a shower and prepare for the FIRST of my spankings…earlier that day She had commented on the fact that ‘birthday spankings’ were not really for the spankee but more for the Spanker…lol

After my shower i waited in my room until She came in, She was holding both the crop and the vibrator…She said to take off my robe and lay on my stomach, i did…as She stepped up to my side my dog jumped up beside me too strategically placing his body between my bum and Ma’am…i almost burst out laughing because he was using his whole body to cover my bum! We both told him to get down and he did…Ma’am asked me how old I was…”50?” answering Herself after only a brief pause, when i started to correct Her, She cut me off saying “It IS 50, isn’t it?” i agreed with Her with a pitiful tiny moan…Ma’am proceeded to whip my bum as i used the vibrator on myself, frantically trying to cum for Her, I say frantically because the stingy pain from the crop really interferes with that process! But my desire to please Her always overcomes the pain and i managed to cum not once but twice for Her!! She was very sweet and granted me the permission to cum as many times as i wanted that night before I fell asleep…but i wasn’t able to cum any more i’m a oncer and i can only cum more if i’m forced to…

my actual birthday was a great day! i had appts scheduled so i had the day off from work (with pay!! WOOT!) and receiving a gazillion birthday wishes from everyone on FaceBook! i had a few chores to do during the day and when Ma’am came home She had a surprise! She brought us Subway and Hard Lemonade!!! Sooooo good!! We talked and ate our dinner, i was even allowed to eat in the living room in Ma’am’s presence!! It was a very good night! i had to drink three of the bottles myself and I was pretty buzzed by bedtime..lol…i had just gotten my jammies on when Ma’am came to the door snapping Her big belt! i whimpered softly and removed my clothing without being asked…my ever loyal beast jumped up again but quickly got down with a stern word from Ma’am…She wasted no time in beating my bum…half way through She asked “how many was that?” i just started crying harder cuz i hadn’t been counting..the pain was too intense for me to keep to track…She said She would have to start over but stopped at 21 instead (half from the night before ), softly stroking my head She again said I could cum as often as I liked (i ended up just passing out..lmao..what a waste!)..it was then that my dog jumped back on the bed and this time actually planted himself on my ass! Too funny! This was a great birthday! i couldn’t have asked for more! AND its not OVER!!! We still have dinner plans for Sunday……..and another ass whipping, for ‘bigger and better welts’ Ma’am said!

i feel like the luckiest person alive sometimes...especially when i consider the generosity that my Ma’am has extended to me in allowing me to rent a room from Her...i have tried to make sure that i pay my rent and that i am not a burden on Her as much as possible...its a strain on Her that i am here, i know that, She is used to being here by Herself and She really does prefer it that way...so i am extremely grateful to Her

i tried very hard to pay my own way...its what i am used to so when i messed up last week by doing so it caused all kinds of trouble...i went to the store and made some purchases; the freedom with which i did so was not my own...i didnt realize my error at the time but i understand it now..i am owned..i have been owned before but i was still given free rein with my money...Ma’am does not allow such liberties...if i would like to spend the money She has allowed me then i must get Her express permission to do so...i like that very much

i thoroughly enjoy living with my Ma’am...i like being there to tend to Her wants and needs...i think that my only complaint would be that i feel She doesnt like me very much...i try to be good, stay out of Her sight and way when She is home, keep Her place clean and do my chores..but it seems that no matter how hard i try She still doesnt like me..now i know its probably just me and my own self-esteem doing my head in about this but its just how it feels...

i’ve been sick the past few days (more than usual)...it started with a procedure i needed done on Thursday..that went well but then i got really ill afterwards..i was down for the whole weekend and didnt start feeling better until late Sunday night...my guess is that it took a little while for the medications to start working..i wasnt able to get them until Sat but started taking them as soon as possible...Ma’am was awesome (of course!), She really took take of me...

She brought me food on Thursday when i was recovering then took Jacks out all day... On Sunday She even took him on an epic walk which She said he was actually pretty good for..that made me happy since it takes a lot for Her to say something like...

i finally got a job too!! Its not what i would like to be doing but it is a real start...i will really work at it to get something better..the funniest part is...its at the same company my Ma’am works for...She wasnt too thrilled about that but i wont let anyone know i know Her, keep Her embarrassment levels down..its all manual labour and i do worry how my body is going to react to that since my legs swell after just taking Jacks for an hour walk..we will see..

Last night was a night of firsts…well, sorta….the getting myself in trouble wasn’t anything new but what followed was…

i was standing in the living room watching the snow when Ma’am grabbed me by my hair and forced me to my knees, She then told me to get undressed right there..i did as quickly as I could…making me kneel up Ma’am wrapped Her satin scarf tightly around my eyes and led me crawling towards the kitchen..i was a bit confused when we came to the chair and She told me to get up and sit on it

my confusion did NOT last long as I felt the rope slide drily across my arms…my heart leapt into my throat as I began to pant to for breath…Ma’am talked as She wound the rope around me, binding me to the chair…She said that the scissors were there on the table and that She wouldn’t hesitate to cut the rope as it was just rope (my previous Mistress was a bondage freak and rope was just not rope to Her…one of the problems with bondage freaks, they love rope and don’t want to cut to it if a slave is panicking, they would rather take the time to untie BUT if a person is in a panic one minute is like ten to them and the psychological damage is HUGE..trust is lost, I know)

As She bound me She told me of my failures, which hurt so much…one of them was that i didn’t show enough remorse and apologetic behavior after being punished…i really felt bad about this because i have been taught that once punishment was doled out i was to carry on with my business and not show my Owner anything but a cheerful nature..inside i would beat myself up for hours…I abhor having to make my Ma’am punish me.

i could feel panic trying to take me over as She wrapped the rope around me but She caught it for me and told me to breath deeply and slowly, then She slapped me as She berated me, attaching clothes pins to my nipples and slapping me some more as She explained how i should respond to my punishments from then on…being bound was awful but having Ma’am upset was worse…She promised me that if i repeated my offenses again She would bind me all the way, arms, legs, and ankles and I would stay that way for an hour…

She unbound me and told me to clean up but to leave the pins on for another 10 mins…i removed the blindfold and crawled to Her, placing my head to the floor I begged Her forgiveness and my understanding of what the consequences would be if I should repeat the offenses (by the Gods, I will NOT repeat them!)

Later, as i was lying in bed i received a text from Ma’am telling me to remove my pj bottoms and lay on my stomach..i did with a sinking pit in my stomach…I barely heard Ma’am come in my room but i certainly felt the crop come down on my bum! She struck me a couple times then told me to play with myself..that caught me off guard…the crop kept coming down on me and Ma’am told me to beg Her to cum…i wasnt sure i could but i kept on trying…the pain from the crop was distracting me, i was close to tears because i didn’t think i was going to be able to and Ma’am kept telling to cum…suddenly i did! i was shocked and it was over very quickly as the crop kept coming down..i thanked Ma’am and She told me i was welcome..i think i fell asleep before She even closed the door

Happy New Year All! Its been a whirlwind in my life since Christmas and i’m still getting used to the new routine  i’ve moved in with Ma’am and even though we were both very apprehensive it seems to be going very smoothly…still feel like i’m rushing through life and still feeling very disoriented but things are definitely calming down with Ma’am’s steady and firm guidance…i cannot express the amount of gratitude i feel towards Her for taking us in especially after recent let downs by certain people in my life.

This was our first real weekend together and it was so nice! Ma’am tortured me Saturday night while Texas Chainsaw Massacre played in the background..i was blindfolded and could only hear it…She had me so excited it took all of me NOT to beg Her to fuck me hard..oooh but i sooo wanted to! She actually tricked me and made me get up (still blindfolded), clean the toys, and go to bed..still blindfolded i put my jammies on and got in bed…i was flustered and wondering if i was even going to able to sleep when She came back in and grabbed me by my hair and collar, She said something to me but i couldn’t hear Her over the rustling of the bedsheets, then i realized She was telling me to masturbate, She was being rough and that’s when my dog thought he should intervine..lmao..i had to tell him no and to lay down…i came very hard with Ma’am’s hand clamped firmly over my mouth..needless to say i slept very soundly

Sunday..we did a little shopping for the house and food…got Jacks a bone that was supposed to be for when Ma’am decided to ‘play’ so he would be distracted…lol…nothing quite like a dog coming to your ‘rescue’ when you have absolutely no desire to be ‘rescued’!! But Ma’am wanted to give it to him when we got home so that’s what happened..She loves giving him treats and gifts..he adores Her like no other…it was a very good weekend!!

i hope everyone had as great a Christmas as i did! Ma'am came over with grandchildren in tow...it was wonderful! Brought all their gifts to my house on Christmas eve, set them out, and waited anxiously for them to arrive the next morning...Ma'am and i were both up and wide awake before the kids...texting back and forth as we waited for them to wake up...

Finally they got here and they tore into some presents but then amazingly (i have never witnessed anything like this) Ma'am told them to stop, they DID! Not one whine! and i made them chocolate chip pancakes!! Then back to the presents!! lol

i also made my first all out Christmas dinner! Ham, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, gravy, salad, and corn on the cob..i also baked a gingerbread cake shaped like a lamb that came out looking a LOT like my dog! lol

A fabulous time was had by all...Merry Christmas!! Thank You, Ma’am, for allowing me such a wonderful Christmas with You and Your family

my journey with Ma'am has been a very good one so far...we have had our rocky patches and things have been more than strained with all the turmoil in my life...Ma'am has been very supportive through it all and been one of the very few beacons of light i have...i know that without Her guidence through this very trying time in my life i would not have gotten as far as i have...but even She has Her breaking point too...

Tonight She is meeting with a very nice boy...She has spoken of him in Her journal..he is very sweet...i hope the meeting goes well for them...i'm not sure if i will be there or not but i did coach him a tiny bit, not that he really needs it..he seems very genuine.

Life has been to hectic and almost over-whelming lately...the one thing that has kept me going and striving to do better is my Ma'am...i look back at what my life was and realize that i am obviously one that needs to be controlled at all times...i knew from my first meeting with Ma'am that She was the one i was looking for and i couldn't be more thankful to Her.

my focus is not good on my best days but this last month has been exceptionally bad...i have pushed Ma'am close to the limit on more than on occassion...She has been exceptional in Her understanding...i couldnt ask for someone more wonderful...Thank You, Ma'am

i have been remiss in updating my journal here on CM…i have been disciplined for it as well…my journey with Ma’am has been going exceedingly well in my own opinion..i try to learn quickly and never repeat any mistakes that i may have committed…Ma’am is ever vigilant to catch my infractions; usually punishing swiftly and sometimes without mercy..She is very busy in Her own life and somehow still finds the time to be active in mine that makes me very happy indeed…plans She would like to make don’t always come to fruitation due to Her busy schedule but She always keeps me informed and I never feel wanting for attention…i am an adult and I realize that things do not always go as we would like them to, not that both of us are not a little bit disappointed when they don’t but we deal…

This is just what happened to us last weekend…Ma’am wanted to mete out some punishments on Friday but due to a very intense test coming up on Monday, She just couldn’t..She needed the time to study so we had to postpone…Saturday morning She had me pick Her up and take Her to work at 6:30am so She wouldn’t have to pay for parking…i was only too happy to do so..after dropping Her off I went back to Her place to do my chores and then went home to shower and spend time with my babies…i went back and picked Ma’am up and we went to Her home…She had a contractor scheduled to come over to give Her an estimate on some work She needed done…he was in the lifestyle too and apparently wanted more from Her than just to do an estimate…my Ma’am is not one to be topped from the bottom by any submissive and corrected his thinking..he did NOT show up for the appointment (Surprise! Surprise!)  it really annoys me when supposed submissives do this because it makes us all look bad but then again there is just no accounting for people..it just means that the rest of us ‘true’ submissives/ slaves have to work that much harder   

Ma’am and I settled down to watch some movies I had brought with me (and once again my choices prove disastrous)…half way through the first movie i suddenly feel Ma’am’s fingers take ahold of my pony tail just before my head is wrenched back…my heart leapt into my throat as Ma’am whispered into my ear that as soon as the movie was finished i was to go into the bedroom strip completely down and lay across the bed, it was time for my punishment…She slapped my face once and shoved me back down to the floor…i pressed myself as low as i could get and laid there shaking…the movie was over all too quickly after that…i was now terrified because i knew one thing for sure…She was going to use the CANE!

Laying across Her bed my whole body was trembling and i started crying before She even came in the room…i am completely and absolutely scared of canes…She came in and i could hear Her moving around behind me, pulling Her bag out of the closet and rummaging through it…She asked once if She was going to need to tie me down because i had confessed once i wasn’t sure i trusted myself to stay still for a cane..i whimpered no…my mind was reeling now..TIE me down?!?…dear god, i’m seriously not sure i could handle that at all..i’m not good with bondage…I would stay still myself in mental bondage rather than actually be tied down…She smacked my ass more than a couple times as She was getting Her stuff ready…roughly She pulled my legs apart and reached between them to attach clothes pins to my labia, muttering at how wet i was…the pins made me wince and my mind was all swimmy (that being said please forgive me if my recollection of the following events are out of order…what happened after the pins went on is a little fuzzy)...to be continued...sorry....

It has been a while since i last posted and so much has gone on…Last Friday Ma’am and i spent almost the entire day together :) i loved it! i picked Her up at the metro and brought Her to my house…i introduced to Her the beasties (they went gah-gah for Her) and gave Her the tour of my home…afterward we settled in my room so Ma’am could use my computer…She was going to take me with Her to a social for the MC Marathon that evening so i went through some outfits before heading down to the kitchen to prepare Her lunch…i HAD prepared it the night before but it didn’t make it so i rechopped everything and made Her a fresh one…She said She really enjoyed it! That made me happy all the way to my toes!

i took a shower (i would say a quick one but Ma’am would definitely differ..lol) while Ma’am lounged on my bed with the dogs…they both quickly claimed Her as theirs and are both in love with Her…even Dex, the dread pirate kitty, was laying next to Her…Dex never comes up to any one! i was quite impressed and then Dex tried to bite Her..it was only a play bite (he never hurts) but it was right after She asked if he did bite and i had said no!

We got to Ma’am’s house and went upstairs…i tidied up Her place as She watched some tv before getting in the shower… when She got out She had came to the decision we should stay home and just watch some tv…i thought that was a great idea! i hate going out, especially if i don’t know the place…Ma’am got comfy on the couch..i got Her something to drink and i laid out on the floor beside the couch after running to the store to get movies (note…i am NO LONGER allowed to pick the movies…both i picked sucked)…i was cold so i snuggled under a thick blanket Ma’am let me use, we watched the movies for a while…

During the second movie Ma’am leaned over the edge of the couch and asked me what i was doing under THAT blanket…I said nothing…She said well You better start and I WANT to hear it! i slid my hand into my undies and into my already dripping pussy, slowly i stroked my clit…my pussy was so wet You could hear it…Ma’am said faster! So i rubbed faster making myself moan and my hips buck..the squishy noise of my wet pussy was so loud now it was making me blush…Ma’am leaned over more and slapped my breast and face telling me She could hear how wet i was…my clit was so hard it felt like a twig as i rubbed it harder for Her…Ma’am grabbed my face in one hand and squeezed telling me to cum…within a minute i started to..Ma’am grabbed the pillow i was laying on and covered my face..my heart leapt into my throat but i didn’t stop cumming…my whole body was twitching and trembling as i laid there swimming through my aftershocks…Ma’am laid back and i thanked Her in a tiny shaky voice..we went back to watching the movie…

Maybe after half an hour, Ma’am reached down and threw the covers off me..She growled “take those panties off!” hurriedly i did and She placed the vibrator on me…the feel of it made me jump several times, then She told me to rub myself with it…i did...moaning and writhing under it…then Ma’am leaned over all the way and bit my breasts….i admit it took all of my restraint not to cum right then…She bit them three or four times making me whine and moan, She slapped my face and thighs a few times then grabbing my face again, She commanded me to cum…just as I started to She covered my face with the pillow once more scaring me as I came for Her…i came so hard i couldn’t move after ward...it took me a minute or two to relax again…I thanked Ma’am once more and got up to clean off Her vibrator and Her girl…….it was a great evening! The next day i had bite marks on me!! And today i still have bruises where She bit me!! :)

Okay....*takes a deep breath* tomorrow...Ma'am will be coming to my house...i'm making Her a lovely salad for lunch and have been cleaning house like mad..yes...i'm freaking out a bit...i want this to go well..i'm tired of messing up and having Her doubt Her decision to consider me

Last night was disastrous! i was late leaving my house..i hadn’t finished my work on time because i didn’t tell Ma'am i needed to focus on it...then there was major traffic on my way to Ma'am's house...then i started the lasagna to find out i had misread the quantities of two things..a rushed trip to the store...MAJOR lines there...was freaking out...burst into tears..got myself together, i had barely even started the veggies when Ma'am got home..

i was so flustered and upset with myself i didn’t even think to ask Ma'am if i could make Her something else...She got Her OWN cereal, geez...what is wrong with me?? i should have at LEAST offered to serve Her that!! i don’t even know why i bother to call myself a slave...if i knew what was lower than a slave i would call myself that..worm, maybe??

i finally got the lasagna together then i realized i forgotten the aluminum foil..ANOTHER trip to the store...once the lasagna was in the oven, i asked Ma'am if there was anything else She needed...She said "Yes, take off your pants and go lay across the bed" She whipped me for not telling Her i needed to focus on my work, for not having Her dinner ready, and for not texting to Her to let Her know it wasn’t going to be ready...i cried but it was more out of shame than the pain from the whipping..the pain from the whipping was minor in comparison to the pain and shame of disappointing Ma'am...i went home...

when i texted Ma'am that i was there She asked if i had gotten the batteries for Her..i had forgot them *face palms* how on earth does someone forget something that is on a LIST and that they are crossing items off of as they get them!??! i don’t know what to do with myself! am i THAT retarded?? i pride myself on being a slave but it turns out i think i'm just a maggot....

i am enjoying getting to know Ma’am very much, She has instilled Herself into my life with such ease it was amazing…She has quite literally ‘taken’ over and i love it even when i am at work…we chat on yahoo almost the whole day…one thing that stands out is that I have to ask to use the restroom…on more than one occasion Ma’am has made me sit to bursting…yesterday was a close one…i asked if i could go and She kept chatting away with me…about 5 mins later i asked again, She informed me that She had heard me the first time…Her tone said everything – “Do NOT ask again”…after what seemed like an eternity Ma’am gave Her consent and i bolted to the restroom…it was none too soon cuz I was whimpering, squirming, and drumming my hands against my desk…I was SURE I was going to wet myself any second…thank goodness i am mostly alone in my office

Today was a wonderful day  i got to bring Ma’am lunch and go to Her house…i cleaned and did Her laundry..it gives me such happiness knowing i am making things easier for Her…it was also so very very cool to be there when She got home but i was nervous and that made me forget things again..when i had finally finish my chores Ma’am told me to take a shower..as i was in there the light suddenly went out and i felt Ma’am touching my pussy then She slapped my wet breast..i was startled at first, never had that happen before…stood there of course my mind a little blank..i finished showering and turned off the water when i felt Ma’am again..She fondled my pussy then smacked my ass several times, She was a little rough…again this startled me but it was also very cool! It made me realize that She could do that…She could do anything She wanted  i went into the now candle lit living room wearing a small satin robe She told me to put on…Ma’am was sitting on the couch and told me to lay over Her thighs..i did..i was uncomfortable doing so because i’m a bigger girl and didn’t want to crush Her..She proceeded to spank me, bringing me to the verge of tears and making me squirm and whimper..Ma’am has a heavy hand..being the slut that i am, my pussy got very wet, of course it didn’t help that Ma’am had a vibrator held against my clit and was rubbing it back and forth over my dripping pussy..i was squirming and lifting up making Ma’am tell me to stay down several times..i about died when Ma’am said She could smell my pussy..She rubbed my ass asking me if i was toning it up just for Her, i said i was..i was given another thrill when Ma’am called my ass Hers and that She could do whatever She wanted to it..that made me really happy! i was allowed to massage Ma’am too and did my very best to make Her feel good..i’m not much of a masseuse but i tried my best..i practice reiki and had turned it on for Ma’am’s massage…my whole body heated up from the reiki so i took off the little robe, that earned me some swats from Ma’am’s crop, i think it was Her crop i’m not sure, but when She rained it down on my already sore behind i was squirming and climbing up the couch all the while trying to stay in place..that made me cry! i will NEVER take something off that She has told me to put on again without first asking permission...Ma’am told me to get dressed so i hastily did then knelt to one side of Her..i’ll admit, i felt very disheartened for making Ma’am have to use the crop on me after what was supposed to be have been a relaxing massage for Her..She asked me how i thought i did tonight and i honestly told Her i didn’t think i did well..She disagreed with me and pulled me over to lay my head on Her lap..She stroked my head and back..i like that very much..i almost started crying again..then the coup de grace…Ma’am offered me a choice..an easy choice… one, i could masturbate in front of Her or two, i could just go home..i froze..i didn’t know what to say..i wanted to so much to please Her but i couldn’t bring myself to do it…She ended up smacking me on the back of my head cuz i was taking too long to answer Her..i managed to squeak out “i don’t know” and with that She shoved me off Her lap and told me to go home..i don’t know what my problem is…i cant masturbate in front of anyone..not even if i want to..i think i may be semi-retarded *sighs* so much for the pleasant evening

This is really going to start looking like my wall of shame rather than triumphs like i had hoped…Sunday night i had a moment of weakness and masturbated even though i had been forbidden to…the next morning i confessed to Ma’am…later that day i wore seven clothes pins on my pussy for an hour…NOT a pleasant experience...especially when they came off…my body belongs to Her and i know better than to touch what does not belong to me, even more so now…Ma’am also has informed me that i will rarely be allowed any release from this point forward…this saddens me a little…

Tuesday i went to Madam's house to clean and do Her laundry after my doctor's appt...the appt was long and burned up my day...i also managed to disgrace myself and earned a punishment from Ma'am, She had called me at the doctor's office and i was flustered and panicked so i wouldn't answer Her questions....when i finally got to Her house i tried my best to get it all my chores done before She returned home but i did not have enough time...Ma'am was very gracious about it and allowed me to finish..when i was ready to leave i asked for permission to change back into my jeans, Ma'am said yes, i turned to go to the bathroom, She stopped me and said do it there in the living room...i did..once my pants were off She stopped me again and told me to bend over in front of Her..i quickly did so...at first i was slightly confused but as She stood i saw Her pick something up off the couch beside Her..i cringed, it was a belt...i held my knees as She whipped my bare behind and punctuated some of the smacks with what i had done wrong and eliciting a promise of never doing it again…She must have smacked me at least 10 times, the last ones were the hardest…my bum was burning once again and i was close to crying when She stopped (i didn’t cry until i was in my car…it was for making Her do it and the actual whipping)…as i left Her house i took Her cable box but didn’t drop it at the cable place as She had told me because i was late for my dogs…Ma’am forgave my transgression and i now have complete understanding as to how i should proceed…

Now for my latest mess-up…last night Ma'am told me to text Her this morning at 6:30 to remind Her She had to be at work early…i managed to sleep through all my alarms and failed to text Her *sighs* it seems i take two steps forward and three back…once again Ma’am has shown Her patience in dealing with me and She has forgiven me but i now have a new 10pm bedtime…punishment pending but not excused…

Last Saturday i was wound up tight…i had barely slept the night before...i was meeting Ma’am and Sir Fireballer that night and was just beyond myself… i took the dogs for a run to burn off some that nervous energy… 

i was to be at Ma’am’s at 5:30, i was a tad late..i had gotten lost. i was physically shaking as i walked up to Her building, just as i reached out a shaky hand to the doorknob my phone went off making me jump out of my skin….it was Ma’am asking if i had changed my mind, that made me laugh as the thought had never even crossed my mind.

As i climbed the stairs to Her plac,e my heart was pounding loudly in my ears, slowly i opened Her door, inside it was dimly light by candles and smelled wonderful, Ma’am was sitting on the couch…i greeted Her and set my bag down..my head felt faint as i stood there. Ma’am sent me to the store for Her..i was going to be cooking breakfast and needed to get the groceries…i got lost on the way there..i got lost on the way back. Upon my return she told me to get ready…three trips down to my car later, i was able to do that.

She had me kneel as She went quietly over the evening, then She let me sit beside Her as She rested Her feet on me…i was already in heaven J we sat and watched a little tv as we waited for Sir to arrive…10 minutes before He did, Ma’am had me go to Her room…Her instructions were to blindfold myself and kneel with my head to floor when i heard Him enter…i waited quietly in the dark reflecting on just what i had done to earn me this punishment…i was not very thrilled with myself. Suddenly i heard a deep voice and quickly got into position.

Heavy footsteps made their way towards the bedroom and my punishment began in earnest…i was flogged and had the crop used on me…my bum was burning and my whole body was shaking..Sir taught me something new and showed me a completely new way to hurt..it is not something i am soon going to forget…the evening was pain-filled and exhausting..at the end Ma’am had me sleep on a bench at the end of Her bed which was fantastic after telling me i had done really well and She was proud!…the next morning i made Sir breakfast and coffee which i served to Him in bed..after Sir had left i cleaned up the kitchen and asked if i could stay and sit at Ma’am’s feet for a while…She agreed and we watched some tv..i couldn’t help but lay my head upon Her knee and She stroked my head…it was a perfect ending

I wanted to take some time and express my thankfulness and gratitude to MsMere. I am honoured to call Her my friend and that She has taken me under Her wing. I am both honoured and grateful that such a beautiful, intelligent, loving, sexy woman such as Herself would express an interest in me and even offer me the training, guidance, and safety I so desperately need and seek. I don’t believe in chance encounters and feel that this friendship is something special. I cherish having Her in my life. Her friendship was unexpected and thank Her profusely for it. She has given me hope; I was terrified when I first joined CM and for the most pars my experiences were as I had expected to them to be. But, MsMere has shown me it is not all bad. Her friendship and guidance has encouraged me to continue my quest and it has been very rewarding thus far. I have met some very nice people, both Dom/me and sub; the good has so far out weighed the bad. She has earned my respect and yes..even my love, many times over. Thank You, MsMere…You are simply wonderful.

Please know the difference between the FRIENDS list and FAVORITE list before going off on someone....when someone adds You to their favourite list..it usually means that You have piqued their interest, not really an insult is it?...it is NOT the friends list...the friends list adds people to Your profile under 'Friends' and people have to approve this action...the favourite list does NOT...the favourite list is only seen by the person that has favourited You and by You