Thinking its time for a change. Willing to relocate, and see what else is out there!

Feeling a bit better today. Still lost, but I think that feeling never really goes away.

Okay, putting aside the 'tough girl' facade for a moment to air some things.

I am disappointed.

 I am disillusioned.

I could possibly be broken.

I hate to show weakness, but I am so tired of trying to be strong. Not that I ever thought myself strong. I think I've only just been barely surviving. Treading water, but never going anywhere.

I feel so very lost.

  I've come to the realization that without someone to guide me, to teach me, I will always be this way. I was conditioned to please others, and to allow others to lead. Now no one is leading, and I am a mere shadow of existence.

    Consider it a kindness that I do NOT post your screen name in this entry! You selfish, cum-loving twit! Did you think that I didn't see through you? That your pretty pet names and soft words would make me swoon? You're a poser of the highest order, come to get your rocks off the same as many that cruise this site, looking for easy pickings. You don't deserve a sub, you deserve to pay a whore whose pimp will gut you and leave you to bleed out in a back alley somewhere! You know nothing about the listyle, and you are a waste of flesh! May you rot in the gutter from whence you came!

Haven't written for a while. Been busy in my Vanilla existence, and only come here to escape, having not found anyone flesh and blood to occupy my time as of yet...

Anyone attending Fountain City Fetish Fest? September 7-9 in Kansas City

  More info at www.fetishfest.org

  Just passing on the info. I am in no way connected to the event. I may attend, but unsure as of this writing.

 Sigh...my corsets and dress-up clothing are in the back of my closet. Not where I want them to be, for sure! I want to play!

 Perhaps I am too much a female, with an imagination full of misguided musings.

   To want the male with piercing eyes,

         Large hands to place around my throat

  To create his desires within/on my flesh

     To know that I am his own...

The adventure beckons...but is it only false desire? The flesh, as well as the mind cry out for satisfaction...

Well crap...Crap crap crap...(Sigh) Is this all there is? Getting lured in by sweet words and false promises, ending with another fuck n run. Seriously? This is ridiculous. I know men are sexual creatures-believe me, I am fully aware. As a submissive I have a desire to perform for males, to satiate their desires, their needs. But when does it begin to make sense? All this talk about 'getting in your head'. Is that only bullshit? Maybe I need to take this up with a Domme...

So it's Monday.. All day I have been waiting for the appointed time my prospective Dom chose for us to talk. I feel excited, a new adventure and so much to do! Finally, the ONE guy on CM that is real is talking to ME!!! (swoon) I can hardly wait to talk to him again!

 The pic I have up may not be the most flattering or revealing. (Sorry boys) The pic is almost 2 years old, and while I may not have evolved into a supermodel in that time, I am trying to take my health seriously and try to embrace my female gender. I am not big on being a girly-girl, so this is quite an undertaking on my part! lol

 I enjoy fine things, but I am not into material items. I don't want you for your money-I work and I am on my way back to school to pick up where I was made to leave off some time ago. I am wanting to enjoy some friends, some good times, an d adventures along the way. I have a passion for horses, so that works in there somewhere-bonus for us both!

 I am a chef by profession, and I am pursuing my Culinary Arts Degree. I love motorcycles and Mopars, Fast cars and old country songs...Guys that can be guys, and girls that I could enjoy being around for more than a minute!

It's been awhile, but I've returned for the moment. Not certain on the why's and how's- but I know there's something I'm missing...Still seeking the truth behind the lies, and still refusing to be jaded because of a couple of fools...maybe this time something will give...Only time will tell...

For once, a smile has brightened my face in this mess of a lifestyle...I have a new opportunity and a new adventure to begin! I am so very happy, and giddy at the thought!

 We spent practically the entire day on yahoo...then almost 2 hours on the phone! I didn't say much, but He Gets IT!!! LOL! I am so happy! I didn't think the possibity was there...but I have been wrong before! WOW!!!

  The ideas he puts forth, the way he speaks, HOW he speaks, and so much more...a different approach to the Life, and in a lot of ways, just what I needed! Thank the Darkness for someone that understands! Oh to be curled up in his arms as he tells me a story...to nibble and kiss on him...to obey...wow-to actually WANT to obey...This is the beginning of something intresting indeed!!

I am so very tired of falling into the lies that abound on this site! The so-called Dom I had been in contact with has disappeared, like those before him. Promising me all-and delivering none...Seriously, how many Males have the balls to even be a Dominant entity in someone's life?

  I crave a Daddy-Dom, one that will teach me, guide me, and if financially stable-that could be good too! (No, I am not all about money, but if a gift were given here or there I would not be opposed to it...lol) I don't have wishlists on Amazon like some of these so-called 'subs'..I just want something real...for once...

A day of rest for me, and yet my mind does not rest at all...So many things to think on, possibilities, what-ifs, separating the truth from the lies...Can he be believed? Is he honest in his words, his actions...I want to believe, I desire this with him-oh please don't let it be like the others! Don't let me fail him!!!

Is a nuturing Dominant so hard to find? I think too many have the 'kneel bitch' syndrome and don't care enough to take the time to learn about a sub/slave to be able to enjoy a total power exchange. Many talk the talk, but few can walk the walk...

 Anyone can have sex, even kinky sex-and i can be VERY good at both...but it goes deeper than that for me. To have a guiding hand-a mentor, a teacher...not some lout hell bent on seeing your boobies! Please-if you deem yourself a Dom-don't act like a horny teenager until it is warranted. We all have our kinks and fetishes, and it is the getting to know someone-how to turn them on...how to please them, that is the delicious beginning to any worthy relationship!

What I thought would be the fantasy of a lifetime has now crumbled away into nothing...How wrong was I to want to please you and follow through-to give this to you as a gift of myself? I wanted nothing more to make you happy, and you got angry because of who I am-had you gotten to know me better..perhaps it would not have ended this way. I told you in the beginning I was intense, that I was playful and often sarcastic. All you could tell me was I was not a priority...I never intended to be that-just a bit of your time, which was asking too much. I wish you well in your journey, but Love HER-Cherish HER, and treat HER better-she deserves more than you offer...