Updates to come in the near future! Sorry for my lack of communication of late, but I am trying to respond to and update everything as quick as I can. Please understand real life comes first, so it may take me some time to get to everything :).

*~* ShadowNine *~*

Update June 23rd, 2012 : I am (and have been) only seeking friends at this time! If it becomes more, we can cross that bridge when we get there. I lean more towards males than females and am not submissive to females in any way. I also tend to have issues with sharing and as a result, I am not looking for poly.

Savitar ~ "I survived a hell you can't even imagine and its fires forged a core of steel within me. You want a battle? Pick your sword. But remember the number of gods before you who sought to kill me and failed."

May 15th, 2012

Profile Update! YAY! Lol. So after coming back and looking at my profile Vs. My journal posts I realized there is a HUGE difference lol. Profile was “GRRRR FUCKER OFF!” While my Journal Entries for the most part were “HAI! I'm SN! Huh? Oooohhh Shiny!! Sorry, got mildly distracted, what did you say your name was?” I had to fix it!!! So fixed it is!

Fury ~ "They're on crack. Anyone else on crack?"

Hi there! Unlike usual I think I'm going to try to keep this short... Ish... Maybe... Lets see how much I run off at the mouth first, eh? Lol.

Takeshi ~ "If you live in fear, you will die a coward."

Normally I'm very “Grrr-ish” about how I come across in my profile... Apparently when people start actually talking to me however (if they get past the long ass profile that's just a smidge more bark than bite), they find that I'm really just shy and a tad guarded. Okay ALOT guarded... I have my reasons. I'm highly protective of myself, that happens after enough bad happens to you. The difference between me now and me six months ago is that six months ago I was still scared to even consider more than friendship with anyone, and even THAT I was hard pressed to be open about. Now? Pffft... I'm over it. There's a difference between being guarded and being hard to get on a level that even the most patient guys get impatient with. Sadly I think I have been more of the former than the latter up until recently. You know what? That's never been the person I was and I'm tired of it. My past is just that, my past. It doesn't rule my present, and I'm sure as fuck not letting it rule my future.

Jericho ~ “Sometimes, Ms. Lane," he said, "one must break with one's past to embrace one's future. It is never an easy thing to do. It is one of the distinguishing characteristics between survivors and victims. Letting go of what was, to survive what is.”

Acheron ~ "Sometimes things have to go wrong to go right."

That doesn't mean I'm not still shy. I have no fear of being me and flirting a bit, but I'm soft spoken, have horrible stage fright, and have a seriously annoying (to me) issue with tons of blushing and inability to speak when a guy I like as more than a friend is deadly serious about having his way with me. Shrugs a little and smiles innocently trying not to blush or laugh At least I'm being honest! Also, I'm empathic. Meaning I can generally pick up on people's moods, so that doesn't help matters LOL.

Acheron ~ "You know the incredible thing about hearts is their unbelievable capacity for forgiveness. You’d be amazed what people will overlook when they love someone."

Short list of things I'm into in the lifestyle... ALOT... LOL sorry... Just Fyi I am a tad sarcastic and generally a smart ass (it tends to get me in trouble). If you can't take it, don't dish it ;). Right! Back to fetishes... Seriously there's a lot. I love bondage, feeling helpless/at the mercy of my dom, sensory dep. I'm not one for seriously extreme pain, but I like pain in general and edge play. I play rough and hope that my Dom would play just as rough as I do. I'm not easy to take down, I fight like the devil for every inch that I loose :P. That probably didn't make sense, but you get what I'm saying. At the same time I'm a HUGE cuddle bug! I need the affection almost as much as the rough housing. I HATE cages... Tied up is one thing, but cages built to confine I have an issue with. I have a mild form of claustrophobia, I can handle it and control it to a point, but once I hit that point I start loosing it. Absolutely no playing with kids, animals, scat/watersports. Blood doesn't freak me out, but I tend to avoid permanent damage. However no matter how many “kinks” I have, there has to be a connection or you won't even get to roughhouse with me ;).

Mac ~ “One day you do meet a man who kisses you and you can’t breathe around it and you realize you don’t need air. Oxygen is trivial. Desire makes life happen. Makes it matter. Makes everything worth it. Desire is life. Hunger to see the next sunrise or sunset. To touch the one you love. To try again.”

Outside of the lifestyle... Ugghhh... Do I really need to do this? Apparently because my mind says I'm not done yet without it. I'm a Celtic/German/Native American tomboy, girlie-girl, and complete & utter geek rolled into an awesome package! Okay... The awesome bit was just cause it sounded good lol. My friends agree with the statement, but I'm still questioning if it's truly awesomeness or just good genes LOL :P. Music = Life. I listen to just about EVERYTHING musical. I typically lean towards Rock, Techno/Trance/EMB, Folk, and some Top 40 & Country. I LURVE movies!! Horror, Action, Comedy, Romance, SciFi, Mix it all together! I almost love GOOD movies & TV shows as much as music. I like going outside and reading, sketching or just being outside doing anything or nothing at all. Helps me clear my head if too much is clogging my mind up. I'm also Pagan. I walk my own path and dance to my own beat and do not intend to force you to walk/dance to mine unless you choose to walk/dance it with me & even then I don't expect you to :). Finally... FOOD!!! I love really good food however I'm also starting to work out & eat better... But stay away froms mah sweet tea!! MINE MF!! LOL

Katra ~ “With my background and genetic makeup, buddy, you're lucky I'm as normal as I am.”

So that's the short version of me. You want the long version? Get to know me :). No matter how much or little I write here, I am absolutely unpredictable and a box doesn't show you every single little facet of who I am or who you are in any case. Thanks for reading!

Acheron - 'Nothing is ever truly set by fate. One blink and everything can change.'

• ~ <3 ShadowNine <3 ~ *

P.S. Brownie points for knowing where the quotes are from ;).

Surgery today! Will not be on for the next few days while I recover :).

Dental Problems Blow Big Donkey Balls...

Long post... Grab some coffee and some smokes...

This morning has been a bit of an emotional morning... Most of you know I've been having serious dental issues and have said I want them all out. I also thought it would be alot easier than it was to hear the doc agree with me on this than it was. What they would like to do is have me get the most problematic out first, then after the gums have healed up a little, to get the rest dealt with and fit me with dentures. Unfortunately I only want to go in for this once and while I agree they need to go, I'm of the opinion I should one shot one kill this, let it heal and only have to go in once for the initial fitting. It'll take roughly six months for it to completely heal and then I'll be getting my permanent set.

I'm honestly heartbroken that I'm not even 30 and this has become my only option. I though it would be gratifying to hear the doc agree with me, but honestly? It was more like a bullet to the heart... I want to scream and cry and kick the shit out of something... And while i know I can do at least the first two, and have already done the second several times today and will likely cry more throughout the day, I hate crying and being overly emotional about things. Even when I have every right to do so. Worse? I still have to call my Mom & Dad and tell them everything I've said here and will probably be sobbing like a kid the whole conversation. I get it could be so much worse, and that once it's all done I'll be SO much better off, but it still hurts like hell that I should even have to go through this this early in life. Nobody should.

However, I have shit that needs doing. I have about a week's worth of antibiotics and I need to figure out where I'm going to get this done before I run out, or the antibiotics will have been a waste of good medicine and money. There are TONS of clinics I have to go through in all of the major cities and I have to figure out which is going to be best and most willing to help. Right now the dental has become the HIGHEST priority above anything else with my health. Likely some of my physical issues will start clearing up once it's dealt with and then I can move on from there and get a clear diagnosis of whatever problems are left.

To anyone in the SAT area, if I end up there I'm going to need a place to stay for at least a few days for the procedure. Pretty sure I'm covered there, but just in case. If I end up going to Dallas, I need solid transportation. Can't be having surgery and then try to take the bus home... Not smart... I don't know what I will need if I end up going to Houston, but Houston is personally my last option. That city scares the hell out of me lol. There are a few other cities, but I don't have people in them to help out or it's just too far to travel unless they become my only option.

So that's the update... I'm going to finish eating my food since I have comfort foods due to being an emotional wreck today and let the antibiotics and pain killer knock my ass out or go gaming while being severely drugged up... I think that'd be more fun right now... lol Laters <3

Just wanted to put in a quick word here. Been fighting a rather nasty tooth infection for the last week or so. Going to the dentist in the morning to get antibiotics and see what needs to be done/costs, etc. Sorry for delays in responses resulting from this.

Sheer irony of the day today.... It's my mother's birthday... It's also the Star Wars fan-created holiday... So I went up to Mom out of the blue & looked at her as straight-faced as I possibly could and said "Happy Birthday Mom! May the Fourth Be With You!"

She was so perplexed by my statement that I couldn't help but just about fall over laughing. Mom is a Trekki... She knows about Star Wars, has seen the movies, knows who played what role, etc., But that's about it... I had to explain it to her, but once she knew what was going on I said it again and she started laughing :D. Yes I'm a fucking nerd! Deal with it! LMAO

<3 This Fucking Blog!!! (Not Mine LOL)

Okay so randomly searching the web last night I found this AWESOME Blog & I'm in LOVE with it! Not for the close minded! Which good grief, if you're on this site & closed minded... Wtf? And really unless you WANT to get worked up, NOT a good idea to read this chick's blog LOL.

http://whatmakesyouwet.tumblr.com/

Personal Favorites, not in order cause... Yeah, really? I had a hard enough time not going & taking ANOTHER shower after reading all 1,000 some-odd images & attempting to write this without grinning like an idiot LOL. These include stupid romantic stuff too so >:P. Anyway! Right... Personal favorites as follows LOL :

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp7xzapzmE1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp2gfvnkmn1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnxn1at5FS1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvsx0PL701qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnszjzKAjU1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq724wtMob1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lns1d5VbXz1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnkkx4ZyoV1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnmg0nV4eI1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnq8lqMDPk1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnq4gq4NIO1qlgjkro1_500.jpg (I'm usually the one that can't speak lol)
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnofd4j5N31qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lojsaudoUD1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpkz0oS57a1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lns2dgAw9v1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnm33uWCEL1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnih54cuW61qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnhu0ngceR1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lngi3lrQOK1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnfwc1Lxbn1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lne6qcGuMv1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lncxb7Is731qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnb027NlzK1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln5vk2TKLb1qlgjkro1_500.jpg
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lncg7hURI11qlgjkro1_500.jpg

Ok so that's 25? Out of over 1,000 that's really not too bad right? LOL. And it actually gives more insight about me lol *facepalm* I have a feeling I won't hear the end of it from certain people about this LOL.

~SN~

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/551871_441852725828180_302198013126986_1784424_1679669420_n.jpg

Alright, so it's been a while since I wrote a lengthy journal entry and I've been meaning to write this since St. Patty's day weekend, but just have not had the time. Grab some coffee & grub and have a seat, cause this is sure to be one of those. For those that have never read my longer blogs, I tend to use weird analogies and explanations & me-isms (kinda like Bush-isms, only WAY more intelligent) with the occasional random thought thrown in. I do try to make it as organized as possible and give it a good flow, but I tend to have a million things going on in my head at once which makes it kinda difficult lol.

I feel I need to explain a few things about my personality and who I am, because some just don't seem to get it or (worse yet) don't understand my personality as whole & how I'm submissive and all that given the rants and highly guarded attitude  (or my outright bitchiness when someone crosses the proverbial line). Also, most don't have the fortitude to deal with it because I'm too strong for my own damn good most of the time or I'm just too stubborn lol.

My personality... Hrmmm.... yeah we'd be here alllll day & night LOL. basics... must use basics... Not everyone actually READS these if they're too long! SO... yes if you haven't noticed I have a very dominant personality. But yet I say I'm submissive. Yeah I'm submissive... but you have to be more dominant than I am. I will only ever bow to one person. You have to (for lack of a better term) be able to tame me. Think of it like this... with wolves (especially Alphas) you have to prove you're the dominant one or they kinda shrug it off and go about their business, ignoring anything you say or do regardless of if you're trying to help or not. I am and always have been an Alpha female.  Hence why I'm not submissive to women, but will be to the right guy :). For me, I have to know soul deep and without question YOU are the dominant one & be confident that I can still be me. Meaning if I try to overpower you even with the knowledge that it won't last too long, that I'm not going to get truly punished (Yes I know the difference between real and playful punishments :P).

To be quite frank to actually be in a working relationship you have to love and know yourself. Now when I say love yourself, I don't mean full of yourself. I mean really honestly love the person you are. Knowing yourself eventually leads to loving yourself. I also believe you have to come to terms with your past (part of the whole knowing yourself bit) if you're going to be worth a damn to anyone, let alone a submissive in your care. Yes admittedly, I still have issues I'm working out within myself, but I've accepted that it happened and that it made me a better and stronger person. You really TRULY have to accept that if you've got shit in your past that has been eating at you for any length of time. How are you going to be strong enough to keep me from falling apart when you can barely hold yourself together? Think about it! Makes sense right? Here's the thing with me... I still have issues and most days I only need the fly swatter to knock that bitch back into it's place. However, there are days that I need that Mac truck I mentioned in my profile and will need a little help getting up there to knockk the bitch down again. My guy has to be strong enough and sure enough of himself to do that which requires that you know and love yourself. See? Big Circle! LOL

*Lion King theme song running through her head.... AGGGH make it STOP!!*

Here is a list of the things I am and/or have been called :

MBTI : INTJ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ

)

Western Zodiac : Gemini  With Scorpio in Houses 1 & 2 and Sagittarius in House 3 (Image of Birth Chart here : http://prntscr.com/7gu38)

Chinese Zodiac : Wood Ox 

Celtic Tree : Hawthorne Celtic Animal : Sea Horse

Totem Animal : Wolf Born under the Strawberry Moon & The Deer 

Numerology : 5

Spitfire, creative person, *shakes head (thank my brother for that lol)* Empath, Perfectionist, Lover AND Fighter, Survivor, just to name a few.

It means I'm highly complex, intelligent, sensitive to the things going on around me and at times anal retentive and witty :P.  I'm also stubborn as HELL. Sometimes the simplest things can entertain, amuse me or make me absolutely ecstatic too XD. Example : Je-Fa-Fa... Dun-Ham.. Dot Com... Most know that reference. I LOVE Peanut!! and when hyper and/or jacked up on Mt Dew or Jolt... THAT'S ME!!! I warn you, it's not smart to blindly hand me a Jolt and say take a sip... Guaranteed way to ensure the most hyperactive grown woman on the fucking planet that you've ever seen... ADD/ADHD has nothing on me with a bottle of jolt in my system!! LOL. Then I will just crash like hell once it wears off (Note : I really DON'T like Jolt or Mt Dew and never give me energy drinks lol. Preferred soda is Vanilla Coke if I want a soda).

I'm also a decent cook, still learning alot but with what I do know... yeah NOMMIES!!! I will NOT cook in a dirty kitchen... I have been known to get  a chair snd scrub the cabinet tops or get on my hands & knees & scrub the base boards if it's bad enough lol. Sam goes for the bathroom. This does not mean I'm a bloody maid though lol. I clean like that once a month or so, as long as it's kept up it stays that wasy, so yes I CAN be domestic at times. If I walk into someone's house and it's a mess I have a bad habit of starting to clean things without realizing it, just a warning lol.

Okay... I'm done... getting off of here for a bit...Need food and maybe a nap lol.

SN

LET ME BE REALLY FUCKING CLEAR RIGHT NOW!! DO NOT ASSUME THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE A "DOMINANT" THAT FIRST PRESSING A GIRL FOR HER SKYPE ID THEN WHEN GETTING IT ASKING SAID GIRL (SPECIFICALLY THIS GIRL) THAT HAS MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN ANYTHING BUT FRIENDSHIP QUESTIONS LIKE "ARE YOU FULLY SHAVED?" OR SOME OTHER SUCH NONSENSE OF THE LIKE NATURE! THEN CALL ME A GODDAMN LIAR BECAUSE I REFUSE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION! FOR ALL I KNOW YOUR A SLAVE TRADER FOR A FOREIGN COUNTRY! DO NOT PLAY WITH ME!! NEXT TIME I WILL TRACE YOUR I.P. ADDRESS AND PRESS HARASSMENT CHARGES! READ MY PROFILE AND ASSUME ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT ME!! I've been on this site for YEARS  and while I've had some bad experiences THIS takes the cake! Thankfully that was a FAKE Skype ID.

ShadowNine

Okay, so anybody that's been keeping track knows I haven't been feeling well for several months. To those of you that weren't paying attention, I've been sick for a while. In Oct. I went to the Dr for my annual girly check up with quite a few concerns due to massive headaches, being sick almost constantly for a few months at that point, the regaining of the weight, etc... I was a mess. One of the biggest ones being something you NEVER want to turn out right about... Cancer. Turned out some of it was linked to my BC (refer to Previous Entry ).

Unfortunately I wasn't as lucky as I had thought at the time. The HPV showed back up.

Info & Background for those that have no clue ~ HPV (Human Papillomavirus) is an STD that depending on the type can either cause genital warts or cause cancer (that bit usually takes a while), or both if you have multiple strains of it. The ones that cause the warts doesn't cause cancer & vice-verse. The kind I have just put me at a higher risk for cancer. I was diagnosed when I was pregnant with my youngest, after I had her it didn't show up again until Oct.

So the process from here had me in the Dr's office every other week there for a bit. Two weeks after my Pap they did a Coloposcopy (vinegar water solution to help them see if the cells looked pre-cancerous or worse). They ended up doing a biopsy right there while they had me in the office. The word "Biopsy" was all I needed to hear to know something wasn't right and that it wasn't JUST the BC causing me problems. Anybody that's had one in any part of their body KNOWS that feeling. I'm normally not the kind to panic over little stuff, but that was almost enough for me to have a panic attack right there in the office. Two weeks later the biopsy came back as a positive/negative, meaning it showed something was wrong, but that likely it wasn't a problem on the surface tissue.

Another week and I was getting the LEEP procedure done. The LEEP (loop electrosurgical excision procedure) is basically a looped wire with a low voltage electric current running through it that the Doc uses to cut the abnormal cells out. They'll Do a cervical block first so you don't feel it, but you get the idea lol. Cervical block is where they numb the primary nerves in the cervix. Then said chunk o' cervix with all the bad stuff on it is sent off to the lab so that they can determine how bad it was.

Now with all of this going on, my first thought was, "Dammit... I can't have sex (or anything else for that matter) for ANOTHER two weeks! :((" LOL. Trust me... when the anesthetic wore off, that was the LAST thing I wanted for the next week lol.

So now a month later I've been back to the Dr and found out that there was massive dysplasia, that it had passed pre-cancerous and was already CIN 2/3 (meaning it was just this side of being invasive cancer). That shit hit me like a fucking brick wall. I had pretty well called it before I went in for the pap, but it took me getting home for it to really sink in that I had just had the biggest close call in my life (trust me, I've had my share). Before it's asked, yes I'm okay lol. I've slept off the panicky-ness, finally eaten something, Dr. Weix is pretty sure he got all of it and most of the symptoms are either gone or just problems complicated by allergies. The Pap in April will confirm that one way or the other, which now I have to have one of those every 4-6 months instead of once a year. Not too happy about that, BUT better than risking things getting as gnarly as they did.Thanks for reading to those of you that did and for the love & support :).

ShadowNine

P.S. ~ Also thank you to those who DID stick around and were patient enough to let me deal with all of it in my own way :).

Originally Posted on my personal FB on Thursday, October 13, 2011 at 2:07pm

Sorry I didn't get to this yesterday. I finally got the headache to go away and passed the hell out. I will try to make this guy friendly and all that and explain anything in medical terms as best as I can ;).

So first up, I gained about 10lbs shrugs It happens. I'm happy with how I look personally and anyone that has a problem with it can kiss my ass. I may try to loose it for health reasons but I won't starve myself (can't even if I wanted to lol). Blood pressure was a little bit high, but I had been walking pretty fast in the 80-90 degrees outside not 5min before, so they weren't TOO terribly worried about it. My temp was 98.1 which is normal considering the circumstances (I typically run between 96-97), so again, no big deal.

Next, addressing the headaches and the almost constantly being sick for the last couple of months. Some of it was due to my diet, but alot of it may have to do with the next bit.

Now for the last 7-8 years I've used Ortho Evra for my birth control method. It worked. It was easy. Once a week instead of once a day. No getting sick or having more than one monthly a month. Acne problems poofed, mood swings gone, and my monthly was much easier to handle (as in almost no cramps/back pain/headaches, shorter, less mess and no moodiness). Since I had Artemis? None of those issues have really gone away and some were getting worse. Yeah some of the mood swings and acne could be blamed on stress, but the rest? Not really. I have an anteverted uterus (tilted forward), which causes SOME of the issues during the monthly (mainly the cramps from hell). Can't change it, just the way I am. However, the patch is on the verge of being recalled. So since it's no longer helping in any of the issues I used it for EXCEPT as a contraceptive, and apparently it's putting me at a much higher risk for issues I want nothing to do with than I realized (blood clots... stroke... heart attack... just to name a few), we all agreed to switch out my birth control method. Yay for new meds lol.

Starting Friday I'm going to be using Nuva Ring. The Nurse Practioner told me that it's not only safe, but it works like the patch USED to for me with ALOT less risk, lower estrogen and progestin (aka Progesterone which regulates ovulation/your monthly) levels than any other form of BC, and it's once a month. YAY! lol. She also told me that it will probably (with a combination of IBProphen) completely knock out the headaches. She also wants to change my cycle a bit and thinks it may help. So instead of a 21-7 (21 days on BC, 7 off for the monthly) cycle, I will be on a 24-4 day cycle and weve set it so it will never land on the weekend OR on a monday (HELL YES!!!). laughing Her only concern was if I was still smoking. I told her I MIGHT smoke a couple in a month, but no more than a pack a month. She was fucking ecstatic lol. Still wants me to completely quit, but she's just happy I'm progressing with it.

As for the rest, blood work and pap smear will take roughly a couple of weeks to come back from the lab. They're making sure that my cholestoral and sugar and all that are still on a normal level. Once that's done assuming no complications come up with any of the tests or the BC, I'll see them in 3 months (Jan 11) to make sure the Nuva ring isn't doing funky things to my BP and that the headaches have at least come down to a managable level.

That's it... Hopefully everything turns out normal on the tests (very little doubt anything will come back bad) and I can get back to being normal again soon ;). Laters!

ShadowNine