I’m Recalling the Search Party…

So, I’m no longer interested in dating/searching for a Dom. And while I have many reasons to use the age old “I’m tired of the men who I’m attracting”, this isn’t the reason for “recalling the search party” so to speak. I just have no interest in it. I’ve lost interest in many things recently except my art, so I question if this has to do with the depression I battle on and off at times. Either way, I’m looking forward to focusing on myself, art, and the missing drama I certainly won’t miss.

I’m always open to meeting new people and having platonic dates. But that’s it. So if something on my profile interests you, reach out :-)

Oh, and since I’m not searching for a Dom I won’t be on CM that often. I get alerts about the messages I receive so I can check back in if I receive a message that interests me.

Good luck to all in your search!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am sensitive. My sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. It is what makes me more compassionate than most and gives me an edge that inspires my creativity. But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t made my life more difficult. Situations which barely grazes others cuts me easily and deeply… emotionally speaking.

But I AM HAPPY AND PROUD TO BE A SENSITIVE PERSON.

For years I managed to subdue my emotions and act like I was “the cool chick” outwardly stoic in the face of things that inspired deep emotion. I was rather successful in doing this. Yet, as the saying goes, “That which you resist, persists.” And eventually I found myself coming to terms with years of emotional baggage.

There’s been many scientific papers done on the detrimental effects of suppressed emotions. And while I haven’t read them, personal experience allows me to agree with the premise of said articles. But I wouldn’t change who I am nor any experience I have. And I won’t let any negative experience I have discourage me from reaching for life long goals. One of which happens to be my search for a Dom.

You see, searching for a Dom is tantamount to dating, but with a D/s twist. And any search for love can be daunting. And I must admit… it’s been a little difficult lately.

The Dom that encouraged me to start this blog to “chronicle the progression of our relationship” (his words) hasn’t texted me for about 3-4 days now. On day two, I simply said “Goodbye and good luck in your search.” This didn’t get to me that much. Yet, in speaking to a friend (I’ll call him Brad) who was once considering me as a sub, all my feelings of rejection and frustration came up and were directed at him.

Brad is at a place in his life where he does not want to settle down. He wants to have an open relationship and has propositioned me a few times about being ONE of his subs. I’m not into open relationships mainly because his need to have sex with other women says to me “I’m not enough”. It felt like a rejection, and in a way it is. Yet, it’s more about where Brad is in his life more than it really is about me. And I am okay with that. And happy to be friends. But in that moment while talking to Brad feelings of rejection, pain, sadness, and frustration were twirling all around inside me and the next few comments I made received this reply - “Your mood and demeanor changes on a dime”.

Then, something changed. I wasn’t afraid of showing him who I truly am – a human being who has feelings. I have always been ashamed of my sensitivity. I felt it was a weakness because it showed I was vulnerable and in a way gives people an open door to deeper emotions that could be manipulated and exploited for their own gain. But I guess I was so emotionally exhausted that I didn’t care to hide or lie about what I was really feeling. So I told him I felt rejected and hurt.

But why should I be ashamed of having a heart? Why should I worry about revealing that I’ve made a connection to someone when that’s the intention of dating? Lol. The whole intention of dating is to connect with someone and see where things can go. Yet, somewhere along the line I learned that having feelings and connecting with others isn’t a good thing. “Emotions get you hurt”. “Men don’t like it when you show emotion.. They call it ‘drama’”, so on and so fourth.

There is a modicum of truth in these preconceived notions. Showing emotions can lead to disappointment, pain, and sadness…. But it can also lead to happiness, love, and intimacy. And sure, there may be men who see an emotional woman as potential drama. But whose life am I living? Mines or theirs? What rules do I want to live by? The one that says I must deny who I am? Or the one that says “accept who you are and they will too”?

With great risk comes great rewards and entering a relationship whether one is a sensitive or a cynic assumes the responsibility of that risk and an acceptance that there is a potential to feel great pain… or great pleasure.

With humility and kindness in my heart, I reject the notion that my greatest strength, which is my sensitivity, is something to be ashamed of. It is what you make of it…. A double edge sword, but a powerful tool nonetheless. It is one of the pillars on which I will build a life filled with happiness, love, humility, and grace.

Peace & Blessings to You All,

The Ebony Sub

THIS IS MY LAST ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THOSE RIDICULOUS RACIST MESSAGES I’VE BEEN GETTING. I am not into race play. So ANY messages containing the word “ni99er” will be taken as an immediate sign of disrespect and instantly deleted and the sender BLOCKED. Furthermore, DO NOT, for a single second, think the computer screen you’re sitting behind will protected from getting your ass kicked in the real world. Seriously. Eventually someone will peg you for a racist because one can never completely hide who they truly are. And when that happens, I assure you the result won’t be enjoyable. Be you a masochist or not. Stay off my page if you can’t respect me.