I have always had vanilla relationships in the past, and enjoyed the ones with more of an element of hardcore, or kink in them.  I read the Sleeping Beauty books years ago, because after all, it's Anne Rice for goodness sake, but didn't understand how Beauty or O either could let a man degrade them.  Years passed and a lover from the past came back into my life greatly changed.  The passion was still there, but he had become much more freaky than the vanilla flavor we had previously shared.  He read the Beauty books to me again and talked about how it felt from her point of view.  I finally got it, and boy, did I want it.  Unfortunately, so did he.  He had contacted me because he thought I would be interested in learning how to dominate him.  I have a Dominant personality, but at heart I am a sub.  What to do?

Enter online dating.  (Is anyone laughing?) I met someone who had an intriguing profile on a vanilla site.  I had a million questions, and he was a great teacher.  We talked for about a month, and I enjoyed learning from him, but he wasn't the one for me. From him, I learned what was at the core of myself--my definition of submission and Dominance, what I have to give, and what I desire to receive. His question, "Ash, tell me what you would do for the right man?" still rings in my head. My answer: "What wouldn't I do for the right Man?" Give myself? travel to be with him? relocate?--all yes.

Since then, I have learned what makes me drawn to this dynamic—what my wants are, what my needs are, and I have started developing a blueprint for the type of man who can build the kind of relationship I desire. I have learned that I am a sexual and psychological submissive who is drawn more to a sensual Daddy Dom than someone more truly sadistic.  I prefer someone who is compassionate and caring, and leads me with patience.  I need someone who I can never manipulate or top though, in order to continue to respect him.

I have had amazing experiences on this journey that have made me laugh and others that have made me cry. I have learned about pain and pleasure, and expanded my limits and desires for both. I have explored the play aspect of this lifestyle, and found out what I enjoy and what I don’t. I have a little more experience with the fetishes, and have learned what I like, what I fear and what I am still curious about.

 I have met people who came into my life for a reason. They taught me what I needed to know, and let me go on to the next step of my journey. I learned about the words we use to describe ourselves, and found out that I have a slave’s heart, and I should never be afraid to give that heart to the right man. I learned about my misconceptions about consensual/nonconsent, how much I desire to be taken in hand by the right person, and never tell a man “I will do ANYTHING for you.”

Other people came into my life for a season. They were here to support me through the rough parts of the journey. I learned to believe in myself and trust my instincts. I spent time getting in touch with the wonderful exhibitionist that I am. I was encouraged to write, to speak, and ask questions about all aspects of this. I learned to breathe and be still instead of overthinking everything.  I am still learning to let go of these people who couldn’t stay for the next step of the journey. My heart still struggles with why they couldn’t stay, but I will learn to take their lessons and continue on my own without them.

And finally, there are people who came into my life for a lifetime.  I know they will be here for all the remaining steps of the journey. They are my friends, mentors, and teachers. They hold me accountable when I do not follow my protocols, set boundaries, or continue in patterns that are not healthy for me. They keep challenging me to do EVERYTHING for me, and not because someone else expects it of me. With their teaching and love, I will become the person I long to be.

And so, the journey continues. . . . . .

My Gift:

I am the submissive that walks into the room on your arm and everyone in the room feels the intensity of the passion we have for each other. Many will want me, but YOU are the only one strong enough to claim me, and inspire my submssion. When you wander the room, or go over to help someone with a tie or suspension, the connection remains. When we are in the vanilla community, it is the same. I am always connected to you by the bond you have created between us with trust and patience for me.

You can see when you look in my eyes there is no one else in the room but you. When you look back at me, you can tell by my response, I am counting the moments until we can be alone and I can feel your hands on me. You can sense my breathing change, the chills that run through me and see my nipples harden. When you are near me, you will smile knowing just the thought of you is making me want you closer, pulling me to you, entering my body. All you have to do is BE.

This is what I want and what I offer the right man. Interested?