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Friends:
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as of 4/2/09 boy is the owned property of Lady HotchKiss. except for Those who already have a friendly relationship with boy, contact by Dom/mes is restricted to those who have spoken with Her. boy will provide Her contact information on request.

The name came about when a Domme asked me what having a collar meant to me. Among other things, i told Her that it gave me a sense of belonging. And so, She had me take that as my nic here.

i was asked what allure submission had for me. my answer... being freed from the necessity of choice.


my thoughts on true submission:
1. the only limits a sub should be allowed are those things that the Dom/me determines may be harmful physically, mentally or emotionally. anything else is merely an attempt by the sub to top from the bottom. 2. there are those who say the sub gives control to the Dom/me (a "gift" if you will). to my mind the sub doesnt have that power. at best the sub puts him/herself in a position to relinquish control and it is the Dom/me who does or does not then take control.






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10/22/2008 1:39:07 PM
Mistress prefers that i refer to myself as boy so all future entries will reflect that preference.

9/30/2008 9:45:07 AM
Mistress is currently seeking femsubs/slaves for Her poly house. if interested you may contact Her directly or inquire through me.

9/12/2008 12:28:46 PM
i have surrendered to UBUxorious (AKA Lady HotchKiss). please contact Her if Y/you have any issues or problems concerning me.

9/11/2008 5:38:03 AM
tomorrow will be one month since O/our first face-to-face meeting. although it wasn't planned that way, tomorrow is significant in another way as well.

8/25/2008 2:24:08 PM
i wish i could be doing something for Her right now.

8/20/2008 2:13:11 PM
it's been a long while since i entered anything here. i am currently petitioning for service to UBUxorious.

4/28/2007 5:49:11 AM
out of town, out of touch til May 6

10/12/2006 9:22:19 AM
i just realized that my journal entries make it seem as though im still under consideration. last month, due to a recurring health problem, i asked for and was granted release. that doesn't mean im seeking another Dom/me...im not. just friends.

8/30/2006 8:12:38 AM
i cant believe the change in my outlook since Mistress told me W/we might be meeting on weekends...til now it looked as though it would be december before i saw Her again. im back to my happy self.

8/28/2006 2:47:00 PM
screwed up bigtime. Mistress and i were talking about getting together over a weekend. i didnt know She was talking about last weekend...just a weekend. when She said "I'll see you saturday", i had to send a message cancelling it because of a prior committment that i hadnt told Her about. anyhoo...guess ive got some major punishment coming.

8/22/2006 5:06:55 AM
three weeks in denial and it doesnt seem to even matter anymore. the only thing that matters is seeing Her or talking with Her. i cant seem to think of much else. the worst punishment a sub can endure is no contact with his/her Dom/me.

8/21/2006 5:46:40 AM
long weeks since ive seen Her, long days since W/we've spoken. i fear im fading in Her memory.

8/18/2006 5:39:46 AM
i lost my job on monday and have been pounding the pavement looking for another. hence, so few journal entries. still havent seen Mistress and i miss Her so much. i think about Her and dream about Her all the time.

8/15/2006 8:05:01 AM
so many changes, in both O/our lives lately. i hope that someday soon things will get back to "normal".

8/14/2006 5:31:09 AM
Mistress is now seeking a 24/7 sub/slave. i wish it could be me, but it cant and W/we both understand that. i will continue to serve Her to the best of my abilities, given the constraints W/we both bring to the relationship, until such time as She feels it's time to release me.

8/9/2006 5:57:15 AM
Mistress's work schedule has changed and our availability to be together is no longer very compatable. im afraid ill become just another online sub.

8/8/2006 1:52:18 PM
it's been so long since ive seen Mistress...and likely to be much longer. i miss Her.

8/5/2006 8:23:56 AM
i recently came into possession of a tens unit and told Mistress about it. She is eager to learn and apply it's uses, which kinda/sorta scares me already, lol. i spoke with Ms NMS, who has experience with a tens unit and She says they can be quite painful at the higher settings, and only dangerous if used above the waist. i did a search online and there are a number of interesting attachments that can be purchased for use with a tens unit. they all look designed to bring pain, lol. mebbe i am becoming a pain slut. i dread Mistress's beatings, but crave them as well. i dread the pounding She gives with Her strap-on, but crave it as well. maybe it's just Mistress's attention that i crave and will submit to anything to get it.

8/1/2006 1:39:05 PM
Mistress and i have had precious little contact in recent weeks. She is in training for a new job and is working days when i am normally online so W/we havent even had online contact. She is thinking about me though, as She left me a message allowing me a release from orgasm denial over the weekend. such a wonderful thoughtful Mistress....i miss Her so much. i must redouble my efforts to be worthy of Her attentions.

7/28/2006 4:07:57 AM
i havent kept track of how long ive been in orgasm denial this time around, but it is feeling like it may be a record. i am still "edging" at least once a day, but it produces a heavy, dull throbbing in my balls that is most uncomfortable and lasts for hours. its going to be at least a week and half before i can see Mistress again, and ive been so lax in keeping up this journal and being in contact with Her, that She may not relent even then. sighs...i miss Her so much.

7/24/2006 10:15:16 AM
two more weeks til i see Mistress again. as always, at this point i start wondering what Mistress has in mind for O/our next session, and as always, after i frustrate myself with stupid guessing games, i give up and decide what will be, will be. my balls have developed a dull persistant ache from the denial, but nothing i cant live with, and each time it captures my thoughts, the thoughts naturally go to Her, so it's not all a bad thing. i just wish i could wear a chastity device, it would be so much easier if i was physically unable to make myself cum, instead of strictly mental strength.

7/22/2006 7:15:51 AM
here i am again...at a point in orgasm denial where i cant keep my hands off myself, yet have to back off before cumming, thereby frustrating myself further and deepening the cycle. daydreams of being with Mistress increasingly consume my day, heightened desires of pleasing Her, earning Her rewards, just seeing and being with Her. i read on elise sutton's page that orgasm denial is the surest way of increasing a sub's desire to please, and i have found that to be oh so true.

7/21/2006 4:12:36 AM
i think i might perhaps be bisexual. though men do not and never have attracted me, i have come to enjoy and miss Mistress's use of Her strap-on. She has told me that one of the tasks ill have to complete before a full collar will be to service a male Dom, and i find that rather than repel me, the idea excites me. i dont know if the excitement is for myself or at the prospect of pleasing Mistress and earning Her collar (probably that), but i am not repelled by the idea of servicing a male...just never considered it before. so, does that make me bisexual... or as one Domme puts it...hetero-flexible?

7/20/2006 5:16:04 AM
im really missing Mistress...been a while since W/we've been together and will be at least a couple more weeks until i see Her. there's a constant dull ache in my balls from denial, but it's worth it knowing that it pleases Her. wish She'd let me start using my buttplug again, at least that would be a constant reminder of Her... not that i need that, but focusing on Her is never a bad thing.

7/18/2006 4:16:55 AM
omg...it's been a week since i entered here....Mistress is gonna be soooo pissed. not going to be able to see Her this weekend as planned...seems like everything planned for U/us falls through lately. i miss Her so much. i dreamt about Her last night. She was taking me with Her strap-on in my favorite position... lying on my back. it's not that that is any easier for me, or less painful, but more that i can look up at Her as She is fucking me and watch Her looking down on me with that small smile playing around Her lips as She sees the pain in my eyes. denial is getting very difficult...can't edge too much or for very long for fear that im going to explode... and that would not be a good thing. im extremely busy at work which is why the journal has suffered, but i will redouble my efforts to make regular entries.

7/11/2006 11:43:21 AM
was not able to meet with Mistress on Monday, as planned. 35 miles is so close and yet sometimes so far away...without the commute time, W/we could still have met and i'd have had another opportunity to please Her. sighs....oh well. looks like it will be the 21st before W/we have another opportunity. orgasm denial is having its normal effect(s)...after a couple of weeks, i find myself edging at almost every opportunity. Mistress demands that when i edge, if pre-cum is produced, i must ingest it. after a couple of weeks in denial, the precum is often thicker and milkier than normal, looking like but not tasting like real cum.

7/6/2006 4:06:17 AM
wow...i hadnt realized its been a week since i posted here. the holiday and the job and r/l just got in the way. no excuse, i know, but sometimes it's hard. anyhow...i was thinking this morning that 10 days seems to be some kind of trigger point when in denial. i can go a week or so without orgasm with no problem. don't get me wrong, i could (and would, without control) masturbate several times a week...even daily, but im able to go without for a week or more and not really miss it. but around the 10th day, it starts to get to me. i'm supposed to bring myself to the edge of orgasm at least once a day during denial, then back off but after the 10th day or so, i start "edging" alot more frequently. i start thinking about Mistress alot more ofter, im more keenly aware of my submissive station in life, and...if truth be told, probably more obediant, malleable and subservient. i wonder if this holds true for other subs as well and if not, is there a different time span in which it happens for them...does the time span change over time?

6/30/2006 2:00:35 PM
i dont know if its the heat or the busy-ness at work, but im so lethargic lately. my job description has changed and im much busier than i was and consequently not spending nearly as much time online as i used to. im finding it harder to motivate myself to write in the journal, or even to visit with friends in the chatroom lobby. and Mistress's schedule doesnt coincide with mine well at all, so W/we are hardly seeing much of each other at all. oh well. Mistress...when You read this, can You please send a message as to whether W/we can get together on the 10th or not?....thank You. 258 167 322

6/29/2006 6:28:32 AM
it's hard lately to get online from work...we've been very busy and so the journal has suffered (and i will suffer for it). so many changes in both of O/our lives, yet W/we both still revel in each O/other's company. just wish W/we could spend more time together.

6/27/2006 4:07:03 AM
the long, long wait is finally over. it had been 9 weeks since i'd seen Mistress, but yesterday's session was worth waiting for. i'm still sore and probably will be for a few days, lol. the first order of business was to "empty the punishment bank". i think Mistress must have taken it easy on me as nine weeks worth of infractions probably should have taken much longer to dispense with. even so...Her ministrations have left a lasting mark both physically and psychically. She then allowed me to pleasure Her orally (only the third time in 9 months for that), praising me afterwards. then, of course, She took me with Her strap-on. it had been so long that id lost all elasticity there and it felt like the first time... very, very painful indeed. anyhow...it was most wonderful just to see Her after so long.

6/22/2006 4:22:36 AM
Mistress wasnt available at all yesterday. i miss Her doubly when i cant at least chat with Her. seems W/we're both caught up in real life too much lately. oh well.

6/21/2006 5:25:17 AM
im here...but it's early and my mind isnt working well yet. about all i can think of is seeing Mistress on monday...it's been soooo long. im wondering what form Her pleasure-taking will take. oh well... ive discovered that keeping expectations at bay is the best way to approach serving Her. whatever She has in store will fulfill me if it pleases Her.

6/20/2006 4:09:58 AM
promises, promises....first time i promise to get better with this, i skip a day. spoke with Mistress for a good while yesterday while She was online house-hunting, which was nice. cant wait til monday. i think at that point it will be 9 weeks since ive seen Her...wayyyy too long. cant wait to feel Her clasp the training collar about my throat again.

6/17/2006 5:19:06 AM
i have been lax in keeping my journal...many are the excuses i could give, but they mean nothing. i have not done that which She wished. i will rededicate myself and try to do better. i thought i had more or less conquored the "green monster" (jealousy), but there is another who has entered Mistress's life. he does not seem to have much interest in the lifestyle and im afraid he may try to convince Mistress to give it up (or at least, give me up). i know in my head this is an unreal fear, but it lays in my heart like a cold stone. seems i still have much to work on.

6/13/2006 4:04:10 AM
had a very good, fairly long chat with Mistress yesterday...things seem to be settling a bit for Her and She has put my mind much at ease. btw, some of Y/you have noted that Her profile no longer contains mention of me...this does not imply my release. there is good and sufficent reason for Her to do so and i am still under consideration and wear Her training collar.

6/12/2006 6:04:58 AM
it has been seven weeks since ive seen Mistress and will be at least two more before i do. im having trouble concentrating at work, keeping focused on chores at home, even following conversations. i think about Her all the time, i think im getting depressed.

6/8/2006 9:10:59 AM
spoke too soon...my boss is going on vacation next week and i wont be able to take time off at all...working 7-6 every day

6/8/2006 7:58:22 AM
had a two minute chat with Mistress this morning...was really good to talk with Her again. looks like W/we can get together on monday...happy day...

6/7/2006 5:02:46 AM
no contact with Mistress yesterday either. i know i must be patient...things will work out as they will.

6/6/2006 8:27:55 AM
back from vacation, but the office is so busy, i havent been able to get online or speak to Mistress at all...it's almost as if im still not back yet...i miss Her

5/26/2006 4:14:18 AM
ive not been able to speak with Mistress all week and tomorrow i leave on vacation....sighs...i hope She doesnt forget about me.

5/24/2006 4:01:18 AM
i have a vacation starting on saturday...a cruise to bermuda. normally id be getting excited about it by this time, but realizing ill be completely out of contact with Mistress has kinda put a damper on it. im already anticipating getting back and seeing Her again.

5/23/2006 4:02:10 AM
yesterday was a really bad day. i took one of my dogs to the vet and found he was in worse shape than i thought. he had to be put down. its like losing a member of the family.

5/21/2006 1:31:45 PM
friday afternoon didnt happen and monday is off too....it looks like it will be two to three weeks more before i see Mistress again. too many things going on in both of O/our vanilla lives to be together as much as W/we would wish. oh well...part of the test of a worthwhile submissive is a test of his patience. i can and will endure anything for Mistress.

5/18/2006 1:53:01 PM
great news....Mistress and i are to meet tomorrow afternoon instead of monday. it will be so wonderful to see Her again after all this time...i cant wait...im damn near giddy with excitement.

5/17/2006 4:01:08 AM
i probably went a little overboard in the last post...its not that i dont care anymore about release from orgasm control, but given a choice between seeing Mistress (or any form of contact, actually) and release, i would certainly choose contact with Mistress.

5/16/2006 8:57:13 AM
i feel like im sounding redundant in these posts. i miss Her. im not a pain slut, but i cant wait to feel Her hand or Her crop on my ass, cant wait to feel the pain of Her entering me with Her strapon. i miss Her. i dont even care anymore if She grants me release from orgasm denial, i just need to see Her.

5/15/2006 2:19:08 PM
i hear tales of subs being in orgasm denial for months on end...i truly dont know how they do it. i ache after only (?) five weeks. a constant dull ache in the groin area. i think i might lose my mind if Mistress and i are unable to get together next monday as planned.

5/13/2006 6:06:20 AM
events seem to be conspiring to keep me apart from Mistress. it has become a possibility that W/we wont see each other until June 12. That will be seven weeks apart, and nine weeks since being placed on orgasm denial. i think it would be easier if i were a eunich.

5/12/2006 4:07:41 AM
i have found that the longer i am in orgasm denial, the tighter my balls become. just one more incentive to obey...She would know by looking that i havent.

5/11/2006 6:00:20 AM
im supposed to record all my feelings and emotions in this journal, but sometimes it's just not possible. there are things happening which should not be opened to public display, and therefore i can't comment on them here, but they are having an overwhelming effect on my headspace at the moment. sighs. i'ts been almost three weeks since ive seen Mistress (five since ive been allowed release), will be almost two more before i do.

5/10/2006 3:58:56 AM
yesterday Mistress returned me fully to my place. i had told another Domme that i was "owned" and Mistress corrected me in no uncertain terms. although i wear Her training collar, until She clasps a permanant collar about my neck, i am not owned, merely under consideration. the episode has jarred me out of my complacency and caused me to rededicate myself to Her. thank You Mistress.

5/8/2006 7:35:51 AM
i think im becoming obsessed with "edging". Mistress demands that i edge (bring myself to the brink of orgasm, then back off), at least once a day. when edging though, i can't seem to stop with just one, ill edge, back off, edge again, back off, over and over until my balls ache before i can stop. as its the only sensual gratification im allowed, i think its become an obsession. W/we were to have a session today, but Mistress wasnt feeling well, so i have to wait another week...another week of edging and aching balls.

5/4/2006 4:05:44 AM
She left me a yahoo message yesterday saying She missed me... perhaps yahoo was screwing with U/us.

5/3/2006 6:01:40 AM
Mistress and i were both online at the same time several times today, yet She chose not to speak with me. i know She gets inundated with messages whenever She is online, but still... i wonder if i've offended Her.

5/3/2006 4:08:15 AM
monday is sneaking up on me. just realized this morning how close it is. another week starting with a morning of pain...such a wonderful confusion... i really dont care for pain, but i really do care for submitting to Her pleasure and so, ive come to look forward to the pain...no...that's too mild a statement.. im starting to crave the pain.

5/2/2006 9:41:53 AM
my job is so slow lately that employees are hanging out in my office and i cant get online to speak to Mistress, or make journal entries...its a complete bummer. on the plus side, im supposed to get my truck back today....yayyyy

4/30/2006 10:02:16 AM
this journal is so sporadic lately, i know im going to be punished for it. havent been able to speak much with Mistress lately either. sighs...oh well.

4/28/2006 2:58:43 PM
i usually make journal entries at work, but things have been messed up there lately and i havent been able to...havent seen Mistress in quite a while either, and i sorely miss Her. maybe ill see Her online this weekend...sighs

4/25/2006 5:54:18 AM
yesterday's session keeps playing back in my mind. Mistress honored me by allowing me to service Her orally (only the 2nd time for that), and afterwards praised me, saying it was only the 3rd time in Her life that She'd cum clitorally. i was (am) beaming. later, as She was using me with Her strapon, She made me lie face down and She took me from behind...once in a while resting by laying on me (but continuing to stroke). i have never in my life felt more submissive than when She lay atop me, penetrating me deeply...using Her property. as usual it was very painful initially, but this time, the longer She went on, the easier it got, until at some point i was actually enjoying it. im not sure what that says about me, that i enjoyed being used anally....but there it is. i did enjoy it and am looking forward to the next time.

4/24/2006 10:58:36 AM
Mistress is feeling much better now and this morning's session went off as scheduled. my first ever, over-the-knee-spanking....grins hugely. im still on cloud nine, even though Mistress decided to continue my chastity, until at least the next session, two weeks from now. There are no handprints, probably due to the wrap i was in, but my butt is red and looks like it has a rash, and is still warm even after three hours.

4/22/2006 6:54:54 AM
Mistress asked that i read Her forum postings regarding lifestyle F/folks who are in a vanilla marraige, as both of U/us are and to comment on them here. i am in agreement with Her completely. during the course of a marraige people change. we can either accept the changes and move on and grow with them, or the marraige ends. i was not aware of my submissive needs before getting married. i have told my spouse that im submissive and thus far, she is not accepting of the concept, and asked that i not burden her with my urges. so...i have submitted to Mistress and though O/ours is a sensual relationship there has been no intercourse (other than Her use of the strapon). i have been planting seeds with my wife and have seen some interest emerging. if and when she comes to accept her dominant nature, Mistress will release me to Her. until then, i think it is harmful to one's psyche to deny such a huge personality trait as dominance or submissiveness. W/we both love O/our spouses and wish W/we could share the lifestyle with them. until that happens W/we will express that essential part of O/our nature with each O/other.

4/21/2006 4:21:35 AM
Mistress has been going thru a rough patch. i feel completely helpless in that there's either nothing i can do to help Her, or She simply wont allow it. sighs. She has even mentioned that She briefly thought of releasing me, which has scared the living hell out of me. all i can do is sit and wait...and its killing me.

4/20/2006 4:21:44 AM
made a typo in the previous entry...now corrected. almost all my aches and pains from the accident are gone and im sure all will be gone by the weekend. there's a busy weekend coming up for the community i live in. we've built a new clubhouse and there's a clean up day for that on saturday, trying to get the inside cleaned and the landscaping finished. then a community meeting on sunday, along with all the other weekend chores, so i dont know if ill be able to make journal entries over the weekend. anyhow, i hope monday's session happens as planned.

4/19/2006 6:11:26 AM
my computer was running really slow, esp whenever on collarme after all these new ads popped up...just downloaded a free registry cleaner called Ccleaner from download.com...worked wonders. get to see Mistress again on Monday. She has said there'd be no pain...partly because of Her concern for my aches and pains due to a recent accident i was in, but i wish She wouldnt be concerned about that. im feeling much better and would hate that She might change Her plans over that

4/18/2006 1:48:36 PM
wrecked my truck yesterday (i loved my truck...sighs), am sore as hell but otherwise ok. scheduled for a session with Mistress on monday, i hope im feeling better by then cuz She will certainly inflict more pain, whether im ready for it or not.

4/17/2006 1:56:11 PM
easter was busy for me, and once again i was unable to post an entry...oh well. had to have brakes done on my truck today...not cheap!!. Mistress has been talking about extending my periods of abstenance...but then in the next breath She said it just depends on Her mood and what She wishes. (of course). i think im losing most (if not all) of my own wishes and desires. i belong to Her and Her wishes are what will happen. since i cant affect it, i shouldnt worry about, just accept whatever comes my way.

4/15/2006 6:04:58 AM
Due to a dr appt and leaving work early yesterday i wasnt able to post a journal entry. i know ill be punished for the omission, but...some things can't be helped. As Mistress once told me..."What's "fair" got to do with anything?", lol. i think im nearing another revelation in my submissiveness. not sure i can articulate it well just yet, but it has something to do with post-session depression. i think im just now getting over last monday's session and am starting to yearn once again to be in Her presence, despite (or because of?) the pain i know She will inflict.

4/13/2006 4:15:25 AM
the sub i wrote about previously has been instructed to contact Mistress several times over the past week...yet he was online yesterday and failed to do so. WTF???? is up with that?. you are either a submissive or you aren't...and if you are, but dont wish to submit to a particular person, then dont!!!, but at least have the decency to tell Her. sheesh....what goes through some of these P/people's minds just boggles me.

4/12/2006 4:14:28 AM
one of the subs Mistress has been talking to online has kinda/sorta disappeared. this was one towards whom i had been feeling some jealousy so my reaction at his disappearance has truly caught me by surprise. i like the guy and i know Mistress has missed talking with him, so i find myself looking for him all the time. i wanna just shake him and ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing, causing concern from Mistress is not a very good example of subbliness.

4/11/2006 1:40:55 PM
as usual, it's taken me a day or two to process what happened during the session. Mistress used me mercilessly for almost two hours. i am bruised, battered and sore...and never felt more complete in my life. Mistress did show compassion in that She allowed release for me (after 5 weeks, i wasnt sure i could last much longer, lol). She also punished me for my past mistakes. Thank You Mistress...i remain Yours until You discard me. 258 164 322

4/10/2006 11:31:21 AM
She promised a session W/we'd both remember and She certainly delivered. i dont think my bottom has ever been warmed that thoroughly before. and the new toys worked as advertised....grins. Mistress said they were a very good investment. i never would have thought before that i could last 5 weeks without release, but i made it, and when release was given...wow...what a release, lol.

4/9/2006 6:13:03 PM
about 12 hours from now, i will once again place myself at Her mercy, knowing full well She may (and probably will) choose to offer no mercy at all. and yet...willingly....no....eagerly, i go to Her

4/8/2006 8:36:53 AM
Mistress promises a session W/we will both remember on monday...i don't know if i should be shaking, or smiling....shaking, i suspect. oh how willingly i walk into Her lair.

4/7/2006 4:04:20 AM
talk about emotional highs and lows....now W/we are back on for monday. what a wonderful message to wake up to. Thank You Mistress. oh... yes...32 amd 3

4/6/2006 4:16:17 AM
i guess it doesnt make any sense to keep going with the countdown. was just informed that monday may not happen and that O/our next session may not be for another two weeks. by then, ill have been in chastity/orgasm denial for seven weeks. might be easier if i become a eunich. sighs.

4/5/2006 4:10:14 AM
30 and 5. yesterday Mistress asked me a question that really hit hard. its way too personal for these pages, but made me realize how far W/we come in the nearly six months that ive worn Her training collar. the answer i gave Her came unbidden, but with a sudden clarity that was shocking to my psyche. i know ive said this before, but each time i think i couldnt possible be more tied to Her, She shows me wrong.

4/4/2006 4:10:19 AM
29 and 6 .i expect my orgasm control/denial program is having it's desired effect. at this point Mistress could command anything at all and i will blindly obey. She is all i think of...constantly...all day...all i dream of...all night. to please Her and earn Her favor, is all i wish for.

4/3/2006 4:13:49 AM
it's been 28 days (four weeks!!!) since ive seen Mistress and since ive had release from orgasm control. 7 more days to go. its hard to describe how badly i miss Her. i hope W/we never have to go this long again.

4/2/2006 3:52:19 PM
27 and 8

4/1/2006 6:55:37 AM
26 and 9

3/31/2006 4:07:54 AM
it's been 25 days since i've seen Mistress. and will be 10 more before i do. this will be O/our longest separation yet. i hope the record stands for a long, long time.

3/30/2006 4:19:51 AM
Mistress only wants me to edge once per day, but after more than 3 weeks of chastity/denial, im finding it harder and harder to keep my hands off. it seems to be becoming easier to refrain from reaching orgasm, but harder to keep from wanting to edge.

3/29/2006 4:14:16 AM
last week, i ordered some new toys for Mistress...W/we've been expecting them to arrive almost any time...perhaps today.

3/28/2006 4:10:40 AM
im working hard to get this little green worm of jealousy out of my head. i really dont think im jealous, just insecure. and i really have no need of being insecure. the session that was scheduled for yesterday was called off, due to job constraints, W/we wont be able to reschedule for next monday...by the monday after, my chastity/denial will have lasted five weeks. it will be interesting to see how that affects my state of mind seeing as how Mistress thinks it already has at just three weeks.

3/26/2006 9:12:06 PM
Sense..Sense..Sense..I am VERY upset at u. I think the lack of release has truely affected ur brain! u are not chastised due to jealousy. Those words never left my mouth or fingers. If u recall u had a previous engagement! Had u told me in a timely manner u would have had ur release(which..Im beginning to think is whining-and u know how I loath whining!). And as nature calls..u know why the session on Monday is called off! I am truely disappointed and upset u for posting something that is farther from the truth. I reinterate..I think the lack of releasing has affected ur brain in a negative way.How dare u use his name knowing that it still is uncertain he will become my slave until he is in my presence. he knows that until he is before my eyes...he is NOT mine and that u are.I would have thought u would have at least asked for permission to use his name in this entry and even more make sure it was the truth for which u speak of. Very, very, very upset I am!

3/26/2006 2:06:43 PM
Mistress has chastised me for the jealousy She feels im showing towards a certain particular slave, a potential slave due to relocate here from another part of the world. in examining my feelings, i dont know that its entirely, or even at all, jealousy. i think its more fear and insecurity. when She takes another sub, im afraid he will be better than me...more suited to Her needs...less baggage...more availability...maybe even a better submissive. i fear that She will grow tired of me, that She will have time for only one submissive and that She may like him better. Mistress has spoken to me about these feelings, and assures me they are baseless, but i cant help feeling like this. oh well...it's completely out of my control...what will be will be, whether i wish it or not.

3/25/2006 10:11:52 AM
i was just informed through email that monday's session is off. i knew that was a possibility, but i cant tell you what a disappointment that was to read. i am crushed. it has been three weeks since ive seen Her, now another (or more, god forbid). the chastity/denial thing certainly plays a role in my depression, but it's not the main thing. i could go without longer if only i could be with Her and serve Her.

3/24/2006 4:15:06 AM
in denial almost three weeks now..there's a constant dull ache. getting very difficult to edge properly as Mistress wants...difficult but not impossible. i don't think it helps the aching though, lol.

3/23/2006 4:24:12 AM
i guess i've never thought about it much before but i had a revelation yesterday that, in retrospect seems so obvious that i feel rather stupid in not thinking of it before. til now, i had always thought that orgasm denial was just another vehicle by which Mistress exerted Her control over me. it is that, of course, but more importantly, Dommes use orgasm denial on their male sub/slaves to bring the sub to the point where he is willing to go beyond his "limits"...willing and ready to do anything at all demanded of him. im sure its physical as well as psychological. as an aside...i ordered some new toys for Mistress yesterday and am hoping they will arrive in time for O/our next session on monday.

3/21/2006 4:40:29 AM
six more days. i spent most of yesterday regretting that i wasnt with Mistress...She will be even more upset with me about that when She reads this and learns that my meeting was concelled...although cancelled too late in the day to do anything about it. i should have gone with my instinct and planned on not going to the meeting and going to meet Her instead.

3/20/2006 1:07:21 PM
i think that edging can become addictive. Mistress has had me edging for two weeks now, but told me that starting today, im to edge just once each night. There's something about the pain/pleasure of bringing oneself right to the brink of orgasm and then backing off. im sure that when im finally allowed to release the result will be explosive, lol.

3/18/2006 5:08:14 AM
Mistress had kind of a rough day yesterday, and i didnt get a chance to visit with Her much. this has been a bad week... i have spent little time with Mistress, managed to piss Her off royally (probably refilling my punishment account completely), and delayed O/our next session unnecessarily. on top of that, my denial program seems to be affecting me more than usual and i wont see relief from that for more than a week, if then. ah well...i can't complain. i belong to a wonderful Domme and there are many, many male subs who cant say the same... life is good.

3/17/2006 4:12:26 AM
two weeks of denial is pretty bad... lately i've had to do three weeks at a time. Mistress had scheduled a session for monday, but a previous commitment on my part has precluded that, so now ... another week of denial. temptation was pretty strong yesterday to give myself some relief, but i was able to successfully overcome it... as She would expect. the edging each night doesnt help much, lol.

3/16/2006 4:05:40 AM
yesterday must have been a submissives worst nightmare. prohibited from contacting Mistress at all, but seeing Her online, knowing She is there, knowing She is talking to O/others, suppressing the almost overwhelming urge to send a pm, an email, a phone call, a text message...anything at all to have contact with Her. what a horrible day.

3/15/2006 9:58:27 AM
this really sucks!!!

3/15/2006 4:16:34 AM
i displeased Mistress yesterday. O/our next session had been scheduled for this monday, but i had forgotten about a meeting i was supposed to attend. yesterday, i told Her about it and was scolded for failing to mention it earlier. i'm sure i will feel Her crop for this lapse, but worse than that, i am to have no contact with Her until tomorrow. i cant begin to describe how disturbing this is to me. i need the touch of Her mind.

3/14/2006 4:15:25 AM
in re-reading yesterday's entry, i think i said pretty much what i wanted to say and it doenst need much clarification. i know ive said it before, but quite simply , i am Hers. in it's simplest terms, i am Hers, yet that means so much more to me than ever i thought it could. when i am with Her, and to a lesser degree, even when W/we are just chatting online, i feel almost like im simply a recepticle for Her will...playdoh of the mind, and She completely owns my mind.

3/13/2006 2:43:57 PM
over the weekend, i was not able to get online, either to speak with Mistress, or to update my journal. i did, however, spend a great deal of time thinking about Her. there's a session coming up next monday, and normally i think alot about what might happen...not this time though. what will happen will be whatever Mistress decrees will happen and it does me no good at all to speculate or worry myself about Her intentions. i simply must be there, and give to Her that which is Hers - control over me. i know Mistress has plans for my training...things She wants to experience with Her sub and i know i must trust Her judgement as to what i am or am not ready for. but i feel im ready for just about anything that may please Her... the desire to please Her has grown so strong in me. She has mentioned a brand... not an obvious one, but one that both She and i will recognize as Her mark of ownership. i know (or think i know) how very badly it will hurt to be branded, but i want that so badly. i want to be able to look at it and see Her ownership, Her control, Her dominance. i also know that my wants have little to do with O/our relationship and i try not to have any, other than the desire to please Her. when W/we started this journey, there were so many things i wanted to try, so many things i wanted Her to do to and with me, but She has bent my will to Hers to the point where i no longer want anything but to be with Her, to serve Her, to please Her. i think this entry has become a ramble at this point, so ill end it and maybe try to clarify my thoughts tomorrow.

3/10/2006 4:07:43 AM
there's was another of those endless discussions in the room yesterday about limits, treatment of subs as doormats, yada,yada,yada. M/most seem appalled that i have accepted Mistress's limits and dont need any of my own. they always come back with "what if She does this, what if She does that?"...my only response is that i trust Her implicitly not to do anything that will harm me, physically, mentally or emotionally. i try to explain that She does not desire to be the owner of damaged goods and will protect what is Hers....beyond that, i have no interest in limits, im only interested in pleasing Her.

3/9/2006 5:41:01 AM
i was in a conversation yesterday with Mistress...as one would expect, She receives alot of pm's and emails from submissive men petitioning for Her attention. what truly amazes both of U/us is the temerity of some of these so-called subs in attempting to impose conditions on their submission. a submissive does not have the right to imnpose conditions. at best he may explain what limitations he has and then it's completely up to the Domme whether they are acceptable or not. whining certainly does no good. if the Domme doesnt wish to accept a sub with limitations or conditions, the sub should gracefully accept that decision and move on. simple as that.

3/8/2006 4:07:23 AM
im still in a daze...still trying to come to grips with the changes in my psyche. each time i tell myself (and/or Her), that i am Hers, i think i mean it in the most complete way, and then She shatters that illusion, bringing me to new heights (depths??), of submission. truly She is a wonder.

3/7/2006 4:10:11 AM
yesterday's session was yet another revelation for me. it started with a massage for Mistress...i didnt notice what time W/we started exactly, but the massage lasted for about an hour. i knew what was coming next, and was in no hurry at all to finish Her massage. She had told me that this was to be a punishment session and that afterwards She would take Her pleasure with me. (or from me would be more accurate i guess). at any rate, i was beaten. at first i was counting the strikes from Her riding crop. i thought (very naively) that, because i had displeased Her perhaps a dozen or so times over the last month or so and because none of my transgressions had been very serious, that i would receive perhaps a dozen or so smacks. i was soon disabused of that notion and after a while, i lost count altogether. Mistress then used Her strap-on, while continuing to beat me and at some point i reached the point where endorphins were released and the pain began to feel less like pain, more like pleasure. i can't say that i'd enjoy getting to that point again, but i will say that once there, the session was no longer about punishment and both Mistress and i enjoyed each other.

3/6/2006 5:14:30 AM
on my way now to my punishment session.

3/3/2006 5:11:27 AM
yesterday was not a good day...Mistress was toying with me, and for some reason, i was being oversensitive...probably something to do with a personal situation that has nothing to do with U/us (or mebbe it is due to the denial frustration)... either way, im sure i will pay for it on monday and perhaps on thursday (mebbe even beyond). hopefully, im back to my normal self today

3/2/2006 4:23:47 AM
during denial, once it gets over two weeks, it starts to affect me, both physically and mentally. physically, i start feeling a "heaviness", with a mild aching most of the time, deeper aching at other times. mentally, my mind becomes more "one-track"...more focused on when i will see Her again, how i can best serve Her, keep Her happy....at the same time, i get more smart-alecky, more sassy which i know is counter-productive, yet i cant seem to help it. perhaps it's my inner "little boy" screaming for attention.

3/1/2006 4:49:38 AM
five more days til i see Her again...first a massage for Her, then the emptying of my punishment account, then She will take Her pleasure. the excitement builds in relation to the countdown decrease.

2/27/2006 2:29:24 PM
i am such a computer idiot...Mistress had me fill out one of those d/s questionaires that asks about experiences the submissive has had and how they feel about them on a scale of 0-5. the dang thing was looooonnnngggg and took forever to complete. then when i sent it to Mistress, the format got completely messed up, so i had to redo it all over again. took most of the day what with work interuptions, etc., but i finally sent it off...i sure hope it goes through in better condition than last time.

2/26/2006 7:18:06 AM
it's been two long weeks since ive seen Her...two weeks in denial, two weeks with no touching at all, and still another week to go. im in the process of filling out a rather lengthy questionaire concerning my experience, desires, limits, etc. hope to have to Mistress tomorrow.

2/24/2006 4:09:35 AM
another sleepless night...wish i knew wtf was going on. Mistress says it may be because W/we dont see enuf of each O/other. there may be some truth in that as She is in my mind more and more. i think of Her all the time. O/our next session is to include some long overdue punishment, so maybe that's whats keeping me awake, who knows?

2/23/2006 4:19:47 AM
sometimes its just too hard to write anything here. i havent slept well in several nights and my mind is too muggy for coherant thought.

2/22/2006 8:47:24 AM
i had a dream last night and thinking about it this morning, i began wondering whether i should tell Mistress about it. i know She would be interested in hearing it, but i was afraid She might feel the acts in my dream might be something id want and i dont. i wont go into the details of the dream here and will tell Mistress of it after She reads this, but i did want to discuss my feelings that i might keep it from Her. the conclusion i came to is that i dont have any right to keep anything pertaining to O/our relationship from Her. thoughts, emotions, dreams, etc. - She has a right and in fact, if She's to be an effective Domme, has a need to know what's in Her sub's head as much as is humanly possible. never again will i even contemplate keeping anything from Her.

2/21/2006 1:55:22 PM
i had written a journal entry here exploring a notion i had about obedience and punishment and, once again, Mistress has shown me i have a lot to learn about being submissive. obedience is not a choice..its an obligation. punishment is not earned nor willfully sought, for any reason... it is meted out at Mistress's will and for any reason or no reason at all. i should know these things without question by now, and im ashamed of myself for even harboring thoughts along these lines.

2/20/2006 1:50:18 PM
had a good, albeit constantly interrupted chat with Mistress today...W/we both revealed the doubts W/we had when W/we first started this odyssey...all of which were very quickly resolved on both parts. i wont attempt to speak for Mistress, but most of my doubts had to do with whether i was good enough for Her, whether i was all that She needed or wanted in a submissive. the way i resolved those doubts was to simply put them aside and serve Her as best i could, and leave that kind of decision where it belongs...with Her. im sure i wasnt and am not yet all that She wishes in a sub, else i wouldnt still be wearing a training collar...but i am still wearing a training collar, therefore She must believe i have the ability to become all that She wants and needs and i must leave that to Her judgement.

2/18/2006 5:44:05 AM
She is drawing me ever closer to Her world of dominance. i think about Her and of serving Her almost constantly. i thrill to the thought of Her using me for Her own interests and without regard to mine. if i could, i would be at Her feet 24/7. i used to have a list of limits as long as my arm. now...i cant imagine denying Her anything, as i know She would never ask of me anything that would cause harm. i used to hear all the platitudes about d/s being all about trust and i thought i understood what that meant. only now am i beginning to understand what that truly means. i have given Her my complete trust and dedication. no...actually, i didnt and dont have the power to give Her anything...i have made my trust and dedication available to Her and She has chosen to take it. and i am absolutely thrilled at how this relationship has developed.

2/17/2006 6:16:44 AM
i didnt see the journal entry below posted yesterday by Mistress until this morning. my heart literally skipped a beat and im sure im glowing all over from Her comment.

2/16/2006 11:54:10 AM

I will look into ur eyes and simply say, "Soon u will be mine as u were born to be." Soon Sense...soon


2/15/2006 4:19:51 AM
on the way to O/our session on monday, Mistress mentioned there were three things i must submit to before receiving a permanant collar (!!!!!....WOW). She said that at least two of the three, and possible all three would be things that ive said i wouldnt care for. first, i must receive a golden shower from Her (Uggghhhh), then be a cuckold while She is in session with another male sub (double uggghhhh). the third hasnt been decided yet but may or may not involve another female (smiles). i will state categorically that the prospect of receiving Her permanant collar has completely overcome any reluctance i may have harbored to do anything at all for Her.

2/14/2006 4:25:32 AM
i dont wish that A/anyone who reads this journal, get the idea that Mistress is soft or unwilling to make corrections as needed...She is definately not soft...it's just that at the last session, O/our time was limited and Mistress had needs that She wanted tended to. rather than spend time punishing me, She delayed my punishment as that suited Her needs for the moment. i dont believe for a second that ive gotten away with anything, nor that She wont enjoy punishing nor that my punishment will be severe. She is somewhat of a sadist and is keeping close tally on my training errors.

2/13/2006 2:58:18 PM
im still dizzy over this morning's session with Mistress...but She expects a journal entry about it....may have to augment it tomorrow when things sink in more. today's session was remarkable in a number of aspects...from how many different ways i managed to screw up to covering new territory in O/our relationship. first, the screw ups - i was supposed to have made a repair to my training collar and forgot to do so. but rather than punish me right away, Mistress graciously delayed my punishment til next time. but i didnt get to wear my collar during the session, so that hurt. i didnt shave close enuf for Mistress's taste this morning and again She delayed punishment. i also forgot to get a resupply of a necessary item and again no punishment for now. the new territory....phew...im still not sure how i can speak of it in this forum, open for A/any to see, but it included a very personal service to Mistress that lasted for about an hour or so. and Mistress decided that i needed a personal technique demonstration which completely surprised me (i think im still in shock over that one, lol) One thing that She allowed today was eye contact, which was very special for me. i think eyes are the most expressive part of human communication and to be deprived of the sight of Her beautiful eyes is one restriction that, though i understand the psychology of it, i just wish were not a part of d/s....oh well, wish in one and shit in the other, as the saying goes, lol. anyhow, i think im still giddy. i havent spoken to A/anyone yet about what happened, except for Mistress.

2/9/2006 1:49:07 PM
havent seen Mistress at all today. from the fullness of O/our long talk yesterday to the emptiness of today. Her presence enthralls me....Her absence devastates me, makes me yearn for Her and quickens my anticipation for O/our next session on monday.

2/8/2006 9:17:40 AM
had a long conversation with Mistress this morning...for once W/we werent constantly being interrupted by phones or customers, or the boss...so it was quite enjoyable. Mistress has been studying behavior modification techniques with an eye towards using them on me for various end results. i have to say im looking forward to it... i am more than willing, in fact, eager to try anything that can help me become a better submissive or more pleasing to Her.

2/7/2006 2:31:38 PM
i keep getting messages from other subs who have either read Mistress's profile or spoken to Her, telling me how fortunate i am. unless You've had the pleasure of serving Her yourself...you have no idea at all just how fortunate i truly am. it still amazes me that i wear Her training collar. ive gotten to the point where i trust Her so implicitly, that i consider myself without limits as limits are unnecessary. She knows what is good for me, She would never do anything to cause me harm. this i know with every fibre of my being...and so there is no need for limits.

2/6/2006 12:37:19 PM
hard to describe the disappointment in not being able to meet one's Domme. its almost like ive failed Her in some way, yet it was the weather that postponed O/our meet for one week. i know there are those who'd say that if i'd really wanted it, i'd have found a way to be there, but that's a simplistic answer. i did want to be there for Her, in every way imaginable, but the risks were just too high. even so, should She choose to punish me for this failure, i will not question it at all. just hope that its the last time it happens.

2/4/2006 5:32:04 AM
i could have sworn i made an entry yesterday, but cant for the life of me remember what i had written and now it's gone. i dont know if the sysops removed it, or if Mistress removed it, or even if i intended to make an entry and wasnt able to for some reason ...laffs... getting old is a bitch! O/our next session is monday and my pre-session jitters are showing up right on time. Mistress keeps telling me to relax and i try. i know She wont cause any harm to me, though She might cause pain.. anyhow...i think both of U/us are becoming more comfortable with O/our roles and O/our relationship with each O/other. every time W/we talk, and certainly when i see Her, i go into a different kind of mental state. i may joke and sass a bit, but when im with Her... She is my Domina, i am Her toy.

2/2/2006 1:55:17 PM
been rather melancholy today...it's cold and rainy outside, Mistress has been a bit depressed as has my son...both having some kind of pre-midlife crisis, things havent been going well at work...i think it must be something in the air, bringing us A/all down a notch or two. it takes alot to get me down, im usually the most upbeat person around (and especially so since Mistress came into my life). will try to shake this off and get back to normal.

2/1/2006 4:23:10 AM
usually the best time for me to make a journal entry is first thing in the morning, but....first thing in the morning is not the best time for clear thinking as im still half asleep. a conundrum, and yet, maybe for the best as im still too groggy to think of clever ways to avoid my feelings/emotions/state of mind, which is what Mistress wants me to enter here. Mistress has been receiving emails from local subs petitioning to serve Her, but none seem to possess the proper humility in approaching Her. i know that She seeks another sub and i want Her happiness above all else, but i cant say im disappointed that She's not found one with the proper attitude. like most Dom/mes, She's not looking for a doomat, but a sub who can think and speak his mind while retaining and maintaining a keen sense of his place in relation to Her. She'll keep looking, im sure, but i guess good subs are as hard to come by as good Dom/mes. i think, if truth be told, im experiencing a little jealousy when She's talking with others, but more than that, im afraid She'll find a sub who pleases Her more than i do.

1/31/2006 12:09:48 PM
Mistress promises that new boundaries will be crossed during O/our next session. i have an idea what's in store. of course, She's been kind of open with Her hints this time, but maybe there will be surprises too, who knows. i still get nervous about O/our sessions, tho less so as time goes by. perhaps nervous isnt the proper word. its more anticipation than nerves, i think. the anticipation creates a sense of excitement that translates into nerves. i dont think ill ever lose that anticipation that comes with an approaching session. cant wait.

1/30/2006 2:48:00 PM
havent been able to get online for a couple of days...ive really missed Mistress. spend most of my time thinking about Her, wondering when ill see Her again...what will be on Her agenda when i do...typical insecure submissive crap i guess, lol. She has been trying to help me with a very personal problem that i wont go into here, but Her concern for Her submissive is gratifying to say the least.

1/27/2006 6:21:47 PM
didnt come online much today...missed Mistress a bunch.

1/26/2006 4:13:02 AM
Mistress mentioned a permanant collar yesterday. She has found one that She likes which takes 9 characters. She hasnt said anything about when i might earn a permanant collar, so im still in training, but the fact that She mentioned it at all sent me to cloud 9 for the rest of the day. indeed, im still there.

1/25/2006 4:53:47 AM
still glowing over monday's session with Mistress...the image that keeps popping into my mind is the sight of Her above me, working me over and the smile that was on Her face. in that moment, i knew i was pleasing Her without a doubt.

1/23/2006 2:26:49 PM
had my session with Mistress this morning...the longest one yet, and boy, am i feeling it. i ache and hurt all over, but in a good way. im learning more about what draws me to this lifestyle. i am certainly not a pain-slut...i do not enjoy pain, per se, but giving up...giving in to Her will...taking whatever She wishes to dish out, satisfies something very deep within me. She has played with bondage using cuffs, ribbons and this time, clear wrap, but i truly feel that Her mental control over me is such that She doesnt need the props. if She told me to assume a particular position and stay that way while She did whatever...i think id be able to do it. that's not to say i dont enjoy the bondage, quite the contrary... there's nothing quite like the feeling of complete helplessness, but im as subject to Her mental bondage as i am to any physical bondage. She constantly amazes me with what She already knows about me and my motivations...things that i havent discovered for myself yet, but She is able to lead me to conclusions She has already reached. She doesnt like mushy stuff, so id better stop this entry here. next session is two weeks from today.

1/21/2006 6:01:01 AM
screwed up in the chatroom yesterday...made a comment that was percieved to be in a wrong "tone" and was promised punishment for it. i guess it was a little out of line, and what made it worse..it was in a public forum. i guess the upside was that it allowed Mistress to demonstrate that She doesnt let anything slip by Her, that She is firmly in control of Hers and that She is not hesitant to correct Hers when needed.

1/20/2006 5:47:48 AM
friday...ive got the weekend to contemplate my fate. Mistress wants me there earlier than normal and even spoke of possibly eating lunch in so that there'd be more time for whatever She has planned. i found out last time that im able to endure more pain than i thought..not that im into pain or that i enjoy it (at least not yet...maybe that will develop), but i can endure it fairly well. its a strange part of the psyche that makes me want to put myself in a position where She can inflict pain when and how She wants, but im finding it useless to question things like that. plain and simple, im Hers. She can do what She wants.

1/19/2006 6:35:13 AM
another day closer to monday and O/our next session...i thought by now the level of anticipation prior to a session would begin to decrease...but no. if anything it has increased. She drops tantalizing hints as to what will happen...lets my mind fill itself with all sorts of images, and yet, so far, each time the reality far exceeds the imagination. i wonder if one can become addicted to anticipation?

1/18/2006 4:09:58 AM
my heart lifts everytime W/we speak, i search for Her every time i come online, i think constantly about O/our next session. i have no clue where this path is leading me, but willingly i follow Her. no...not willingly, there is little "will" at work here...more like helplessly i follow Her.

1/17/2006 4:18:20 AM
Mistress seems as anxious as i about O/our next session (maybe more, lol). im to bring a blindfold, saran wrap, candles and, of course, Her strap-on. She promises that for once W/we will both enjoy O/ourselves (although She more than me...which is as it should be). i can make the obvious inferences about what may happen from Her list of supplies, but She is keeping the specifics to Herself, as She always does. She knows that not knowing exactly what may happen heightens the experience, the anticipation, the desire to please Her. looks like it will happen this monday and of course, i cant wait.

1/16/2006 12:37:13 PM
Mistress and i had a very interesting conversation this afternoon. about what each of U/us gets from the relationship and what each of U/us brings to the relationship. the conversation was, of necessity, a bit disjointed as i was chatting from work and had to interrupt constantly to deal with customers and my boss, but it was very interesting and im hoping W/we can get back to it soon.

1/15/2006 9:11:52 AM
Mistress yesterday asked me to read an email She'd received from another sub. i know She's been interested in a poly lifestyle and has been seeking a sub for Her home, but when i read the email...and Her response to him, i had to admit i felt a twinge of jealousy. i know i dont have the right to be jealous and never will, but its useless (and perhaps destructive) to deny what i felt. better to bring it out in the open, to confront it, and deal with it, than to lock it away and pretend it doesnt exist. perhaps it will serve to spur me on to become a better submissive for Her.

1/14/2006 5:16:00 AM
didnt see Mistress at all yesterday...almost felt lost without Her. back into denial with no touching allowed, though this time She has me plugging again. i must be a little bruised inside from last time as the plug does cause some discomfort...nothing i cant handle though.

1/13/2006 4:27:18 AM
Mistress has talked about another session already. apparently Her appetites were merely whetted by last monday. She has mentioned use of saran wrap this time, instead of cuffs/rope/ribbon. cant wait to see what She has in mind.

1/12/2006 4:19:47 AM
ive always thought of myself as a submissive rather than a slave simply because my situation wont allow for 24/7 and to my mind slavery requires that. however, S/some believe slavery is more a state of mind than a physical reality and in that sense, i believe i must be a slave. at least to Her. the longer i am with Her, the more i feel less a person and more a piece of property...a thing which She is free to use in whatever way pleases Her...and i revel in that feeling.

1/11/2006 4:34:11 AM
i can think of nothing but what happened last session...maybe if i describe a bit what happened it will sink in a little more and i can return to a semblance of normalcy (or what passes for normalcy, lol). O/our session was delayed almost an hour, and time was constrained to begin with...so as soon as W/we were alone She had me strip right away and kneel in front of Her. very gently She pulled my head forward to Her breast as She placed my collar about my neck. it was the last gentle thing that happened that morning. this was to be, or at least start with, a punishment session for, among other things, failing to keep up with this journal, which, i assure you, will never happen again. after the collar was clasped, She put nipple clamps on me and a ball gag about my head. next She had me sit with ankles together. She then put leg irons on me and handcuffs and then tied the two together. however, my immobilization was not yet complete. She then took ribbon and tied each of my thumbs to one of my testacles, ensuring that id be unable even to struggle. i have had objects inserted anally in the past, and once Mistress used a dildo on me manually which was the largest thing ever put in there. but i had never been "fucked". i was trussed up and laying on my back completely exposed as Mistress donned Her strap-on. i watched as She lubed it up and began to examine my positioning. She then had me turn onto my side, facing the wall and with a forcefulness that was completely unexpected She took me most harshly. the initial pain was so intense that i damn near cried, something ive not done in pain since a child. She took two breaks during the hour or so that She pounded into me, returning each time more forcefully than the last. She fucked me harder than ive ever fucked a woman, and certainly longer. i was in a daze quite a bit of the time, perhaps it was the subspace ive heard so much about, unable to do anything more than moan as She ravished me. each time that i tell Mistress i am Hers, i think that i mean it in the most complete way there can be...and each time, She shows me my naivity. i am Hers, as She knows better than i do.

1/10/2006 2:33:55 PM
still in a daze over what happened yesterday. still cant quite believe that i allowed myself to become completely immobilized and at the mercy of Another's whims. still cant believe that i would willingly do it again...and again...and again. anything for Her.

1/9/2006 11:40:59 AM
although O/our time together this morning was shorter than hoped for, i think significant milestones were passed. the meaning of total power exchange cannot be truly realized until one is immobilized thru bondage and at the complete mercy (or lack thereof) of a Domme. trust given in holding out one's hands to be cuffed, the trust received in snapping them closed, the helplessness, the overwhelming nature of the experience sent me in and out of subspace several times. words are completely inadequate to describe the experience. maybe after a day or two, after the experience settles in, i can speak more about it.

1/9/2006 5:00:57 AM
O/our session for this morning has been delayed about an hour, so less time for Her to torture me. im sure ill get the full measure of punishment She's been planning for me, but less time for whatever was to happen afterwards. oh well, a moments time with Her is worth it all.

1/6/2006 4:29:18 AM
monday, and O/our next session is drawing closer and, as usual, im getting more and more nervous. She drops hints (I want you immobile, etc), but never spells out what She intends. of course, the suspense just adds to the atmosphere. i do know She intends to punish for the infractions that have been piling up...not keeping up with the journal, sassy comments, etc., but beyond that, im clueless. yesterday, W/we were discussing how some abuse subs, and i was struck pretty forcefully by the amount of trust a submissive must have for his/her Dom/me, and how that level of trust must empower a Dom/me. in two days, im going to place myself completely in Her hands, in Her power, under Her will, to do with me as She will, knowing full well that part of it is going to be a very painful punishment that im not going to enjoy at all, and yet...willingly i go, eagerly i go. Her punishment will absolve me, Her punishment will show me that She cares for Her submissive enough to correct misbehaviors. whatever happens after will happen because it pleases Her, and i will be a part of Her pleasure and that fulfills me, fulfills my need to be of service to Her.

1/5/2006 4:05:11 AM
week two in the current denial program and, like before, this is when the balls start to ache. its not a constant thing, just a heavy kind of ache every once in a while. hopefully Mistress will show some compassion and allow me to relieve myself after the next session. i know most dont want to read stuff like this, but Mistress insists that i keep this journal up to date, especially with thoughts and concerns about the lifestyle. so...if anything written here offends Y/you...Y/you'll just have to stop reading my journal, lol.

1/4/2006 4:28:11 AM
ive been pretty ill the past couple of days and havent had an opportunity to make a journal entry, although i did make two entries on jan 1 and 2, maybe that will count. hope Mistress will understand. still hopeful for a monday session, but there's a possibility it wont happen. perhaps Mistress will allow some relief if it doesnt. *rueful smile*, though i doubt it, lol.

1/2/2006 9:15:57 AM
in talking to O/others in the lifestyle, im beginning to realize how lucky i am. it is difficult at best for a male sub to find a Mistress at all, much less a compatable One. and for one my age and with my situation to find a Mistress is almost impossible, according to M/most. and yet, here i am...collared by one of the most amazing Dommes i have ever met. i worry that im good enuf for Her, that i fill Her needs as much as they should be filled. i worry about what She looks for in my behavior...whether She wants total and complete, unquestioning obedience...or, like a lot of Dom/mes, does She want occasional, mild disobedience in order to (consciously or not), justify a punishment that She enjoys administering. without being able to read Her mind, i think ill stick with the unquestioning obedience for now, at least insofar as i am capable...after all, no one is perfect and im sure im not the perfect submissive.

1/2/2006 7:26:51 AM
off from work today..was going to play golf but its raining all day...may go to the range though. hope to chat with Mistress some today...already getting excited about next monday

1/1/2006 11:26:32 AM
i just read the latest entry (01/01) on Mistress's profile...im guessing im in for more of a punishment than i had previously thought. it both excites and frightens me to think of what She might have in store for me, as i know Mistress doesnt punish for pleasure but for correction. but it makes me grateful too, that She cares enough to notice my transgressions and to make me correct them. i also know that She values Her property and wouldnt cause any permanant harm...so whatever temporary pain She decides i need will be suffered gladly.

1/1/2006 8:12:28 AM
it's not always possible for me to post a journal entry on weekends. am kept pretty busy and away from the computer. but i have a few minutes now...so rather than go to the chat room, i guess id better take care of my requirements first. Mistress has indicated the possibility of getting together next monday. i truly hope that can happen. i need to feel Her control.

12/30/2005 4:38:28 AM
i was chastised today for not keeping up with this journal. its not that i dont have anything to say, it just that so often the things i would write in here are said to Mistress already and it seems redundant to put them here. oh well...mine is not to question why, mine is but to obey. today is day 5 of the current orgasm denial program. Mistress is unsure of when W/we will next be able to meet, so this one could be indefinate. one curious thing...during periods of orgasm denial, the more im in contact with Mistress, the more aware i am of the effects of denial...when i dont see Her in a while, i dont much think about it at all.

12/22/2005 4:09:48 AM
after O/our last session, Mistress was gracious enough to allow me a relief (one only). back in orgasm denial again, but now im not edging or plugging, in fact, im to touch myself as little as possible. don't know which is worse, edging all the time or not touching at all. either serves to focus me on the fact that my body is for Her pleasure only and not my own.

12/15/2005 4:21:04 AM
yesterday was a milestone. i was allowed to touch Her for the first time and was permitted to give Her a massage. after an hour and a half, my fingers, hands and arms felt like id been through a workout, but it was well worth it. i hope i brought Her the pleasure and relaxation that She needed.

12/14/2005 4:11:57 AM
back on for today...YAYYYYYY.

12/13/2005 11:04:17 AM
welp...looks like wednesday isnt going to happen either, pushed back to friday. still plugged and edging as much as possible...i think it might be driving me insane, muahahahaha.

12/8/2005 6:38:30 AM
Mistress wants me using a buttplug as much as possible. i find that after a period of time, it simply wont stay in anymore, though that period of time is getting longer and longer. it is moderately uncomfortable and the discomfort increases the longer its in, but its not intolerable. i find that warming it first feels pretty good at least at first. it does serve as a constant reminder that my body belongs to Her, and is no longer mine to do with as i wish.

12/8/2005 4:19:20 AM
monday isnt going to happen...oh well...weds is probable but there'll be less time for U/us. ill be glad when the holiday season is over and things can return to a more normal pace.

12/6/2005 11:16:23 AM
six more days til i see Mistress again...sighs...hard to wait. not much contact online either due to things happening in both O/our lives, but such is life.

12/5/2005 11:33:19 AM
i think i kind of lost my mind a bit yesterday. was home alone for an extended period and edged constantly for about three hours. am paying for it today.

12/2/2005 10:44:52 AM
at first, edging was a new experience and interesting because of that, but i find that the novelty soon wears off. bringing oneself to the very edge of orgasm then backing off and doing that three times in succession not only leaves one frustrated, but after a few days, becomes rather painful.im required to do this three times a day (3 times to the edge each of three times a day) until further notice. it certainly keeps ones mind distracted. another week and a half til i see Her.

12/1/2005 4:11:05 AM
Mistress graciously allowed me to relieve myself at O/our last session...i had been chaste for three weeks, the last two of which i was not allowed to touch myself at all, or use my butt-plug. am back on orgasm denial again, of course, but with a twist. this time i'm to "edge" three times a day (bring myself to the point of orgasm, then back off). the last time i didnt reach the point of painful balls until the last week or so, this time, im feeling it already and its only been three days. shrugs. oh well.

11/28/2005 10:30:07 AM
had a session with Mistress this morning...She couldnt bring Her strap-on which was to be used for the first time (on me anyhow), but She did use a good sized dildo...the pain was more than i expected, especially at first, but after a time it became tolerable.

11/27/2005 5:58:52 AM
tomorrow i go to meet Mistress again...thought the nerves and fluttery stomach would be gone by now...they arent. anticipation and fear are fighting for control of my emotions...a dead heat so far, but who knows.

11/23/2005 10:51:33 AM
when i read the entry that Mistress last posted in my journal, i can't begin to describe the feelings that went through me, that still are flowing through me even as i think about it. Mistress has a firm grip on my submission and i would have it no other way.

11/22/2005 5:09:01 AM
BLKMADONA - As I am in ur account 322.... know this...if u DARE disobey me..the next session wont be pretty...I mean that on sooo many levels!!!!

11/22/2005 4:25:04 AM
i wrote earlier about things calming down after 10 days of orgasm denial. that was either wishful thinking or a complete load of b/s. this is becoming more and more difficult and is playing on my mind more and more. ive gotten to the point where i envy those subs who wear a chastity device. it must be so much easier for them, not being physically able to help themselves. the mental strain is starting to get to me. i probably shouldnt say this as Mistress reads and posts in this journal, but in the spirit of openness and honesty to which i am completely committed...im not sure how much longer i can do this.

11/20/2005 4:07:55 PM
BLKMADONA - 322..intersting journal...I for one do NOT look down upon u or any sub/slave..those who(Dom/mes and subs/slaves included) I think have esteem issues...It takes balls(and pussies too..lol) for one to surrender..to put themselves in Ones hands..being the world the way it is today-again..takes guts! and as they say"No guts no glory"!

11/19/2005 8:52:51 AM
there are many in the Community who tend to look down on male submissives (pun intended), though i dont know why that should be. Male and female Dom/mes are for the most part, respected equally, yet females subs are respected more than male subs. in the vanilla world, i am very masculine, retired military, and in shape, not a sissy by any means. because i choose to submit to a Dominant woman, that makes me less a man? looking down on O/others is never a good way to feel good about Y/yourself.

11/19/2005 5:09:09 AM
ive had an interesting experience with orgasm denial. twice now, ive been placed on orgasm denial and twice now, theres been a change that occurs on the 10th day. up until then, i think about sex and my cock all the time, wake up in the night aroused, etc...but on the tenth day, things calm completely. no more sensual dreams, no more waking in the night wanting to touch myself..a calmness in both mind and body. i dont know if this is a good thing or not...keep thinking of the old adage "use it or lose it" and the thought of that bothers me.

11/18/2005 7:48:36 AM
yesterday was my birthday...dont feel any older (don't feel younger, either, lol). Mistress told me yesterday that barring unforeseen circumstances...for as long as i demonstrate obedience, loyalty and honesty..i will be Hers. what a wonderful birthday gift. i hope to continue to be worthy of service to Her.

11/17/2005 6:01:11 AM
i am 258-164-322. i keep forgetting my slaveregister number and must constantly remind myself. i am 258-164-322. it is more than a number...it is a name...an identity...a reminder of that to which i aspire. i am not a slave yet, merely a submissive in a training collar...not even fully owned yet..but i am 258-164-322.

11/16/2005 4:26:03 AM
i am learning more and more every day...about myself, the lifestyle, and Mistress. the degree of honor, honesty and respect that She shows for the lifestyle continues to amaze me with each passing day. its a shame there arent more of U/us who aspire to Her virtues. if Y/you've had the pleasure of a discourse with Her, Y/you know what i mean.

11/14/2005 2:19:12 PM
mine is but a training collar, and therefore im not truly "owned" yet, but i am Hers. all of me, body and soul, no reservations or questions.

11/11/2005 7:34:18 PM

BLKMADONA - And u think watersports is bad...lol..wait until I make u suck ummm.....lol...well..I wont let the cat out of the bag just yet....heh


11/11/2005 4:03:07 AM
intellectually, i had reached the conclusion that the only limits that should be allowed are those things that will bring harm, either physically, mentally or emotionally to the sub... and that any other limits are merely attempts by the submissive to top from the bottom. the courage of my convictions is about to be put to the test at O/our next training session.

11/9/2005 5:24:41 PM
i just completed Her punishment task. im very sore and very tired

11/9/2005 4:04:27 AM
screwed up big time...i was disobediant. among other things, im not to speak with Her for two days and my training session scheduled for monday has been pushed back another week. the act itself was not significant, but the fact i ignored a direct order was huge. thank You Mistress, for caring enough to punish me...im sorry Mistress...i hope You'll forgive me and let me grow and learn from this.

11/8/2005 4:12:05 AM
ramblings and musings... i felt a sense of completeness...a sense of belonging... when She offered me Her training collar. i felt "owned", i felt wonderful. little did i know that these feelings were able to grow. the longer im with Her, the more i am Hers.

11/7/2005 6:47:09 AM
i used the aneros again this morning. i was by myself and much more relaxed so was able to experience the sensations more fully. it still didnt work as advertised yet, but was definately pleasurable.

11/6/2005 4:07:17 AM
BLKMADONA - Im impressed...very impressed...keep it up and someone just might get owned earlier than One thought.

11/5/2005 5:13:37 AM
how does an obedient submissive resolve an apparent contradiction in his Mistress's orders?...he looks for a way to resolve the problem without contradiction...example: O/our last training session involved the use of a toy call an "aneros", which, with practice, can result in ejaculation without orgasm. (it can also be used in conjunction with sexual stimulation to produce a "whole body orgasm"). W/we were unable during the first use to produce the desired effect (ejaculation w/o orgasm) and so Mistress instructed me to practice with it on my own. a day or two later, Mistress told me She wanted me to masturbate only when laying on my back, so that id be used to that position when She wanted to watch me do so. Yesterday, i was instructed not to masturbate. turning these three instructions over in my mind, trying to find the solution which would allow me to obey all three instructions, i determined that Mistress was truly only concerned with orgasm control. i was to practice with the aneros as it was intended to be used for ejaculation w/o orgasm, i was to practice masturbation while on my back, and i was not to reach orgasm until O/our next training session. see?..no contradiction and an obedient submissive not in danger of being punished.

11/5/2005 4:17:19 AM
BLKMADONA - Hey 322...when u see this..its lets u know I was here.:-) and btw...ur Mistress misses u too(but then again..u already know that dont u:-)

11/4/2005 7:08:53 AM
Mistress wants me to make more journal entries...talking about my day, my thoughts, etc. probably pretty boring stuff so most of Y/you can just move on by, lol....i hadnt seen Her for two days after my collaring. it surprised me how mush i missed Her.

10/31/2005 12:30:46 PM
per Mistress's instruction i am now registered as Her submissive at slaveregister.com...my number is 258-164-322

10/31/2005 11:40:35 AM
10/31/05...my first "hands on" training session with Mistress...my mind (or what's left of it) is still reeling. i am completely in thrall to Her. Her very presence commands my instant obedience. on this occasion, due to an unexpected effect, She spared me the use of Her strap-on and nipple clamps, but She assures me that will not be the case next time.

10/29/2005 1:27:39 PM
Mistress monitors my online activity...please be respectful in speaking with Hers

10/29/2005 7:40:48 AM
i am new to the lifestyle and am to receive a training collar on monday. i am seeking advice from experienced Dommes and subs. please feel free to email or chat. thank Y/you

10/21/2005 5:30:18 AM
as of yesterday afternoon, Miss Dona (BLKMADONA) has taken this submissive under consideration. i will strive to honor Her in all that i do. this is the most momentous event for me in many years and i will be forever grateful to Her. Her first action was to delete my old profile and make this one for me.

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schatzi62
 
 Age: 29
 Oslo, Norway