Had I never been born the abuse I suffered would have been heaped on one of my siblings, This is not my fault! I did nothing to deserve it, I was an innocent child whose parent failed in some of the most basic things a mother should do.. Protect her child above all else. Filled my plate with Love, guidance and structure..She failed! NOT MY FAULT!! Instead she failed to do what mothers are supposed to do, she broke that plate, she allowed a man to hurt me. She hurt me! I did nothing to deserve this, it is not my fault. I am beautiful and deserve so much better than what I have settled for in life. I am beautiful and worth more than I have felt. I am beautiful and not an option, there for when other options are not..I am beautiful and should be a PRIORITY!!

I AM BEAUTIFUL!! I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! I AM WORTHY OF BEING LOVED FOR ME!

I

AM

BEAUTIFUL

On one hand I am happy, on the other i am sad.

I have (even temporarily) something you had.

You were there for me when I was on the outside looking in.

And yet I cannot be here when you need it.

Now you are outside and I am in.

I am sorry I did not want it this way.

I do not know how to say it any different.

I need to vent..

I have been a terrible friend recently..I left her in the dark and pushed her away..because I wanted to prove that i could handle things on my own.. well she has been dealing with devastating news.. I called her to say Happy Birthday.. we talked for a bit like nothing has happened.. until she dropped a mega ton bomb on me.. she has a brain tumor, biopsy to be done in April.

34 years ago I met her..a couple years after I met my other best friend.. so until Rita was called to be with the Lord at the age of 20 we three were inseparable..then it was just her and I, through our heartbreaks from boyfriends, our weddings, birth of our children, divorces..we have been there..through her beating ovarian cancer..

Now this.. It is ripping me up to think that I could loose the sister of my soul, like I did with Rita.

Lord, I know I do not deserve her, but PLEASE do not take her..Her family and I need her in our lives..she is one of the best parts of our lives..Thy Will Be Done.. I know this..but Lord Please.. Guide us, Lend us the strength to deal with what Your will has in store.

I am hurting and sad today, someone that I thought I had a chance with finally sent an email saying that there would be no chance. He says it is him and his complicated life.. I wonder though.. is it really me and he just did not want to say.

I kept others at bay because I was hoping for things with him to develop, instead he broke my heart.

I do not trust easily or open up fully to people because of my past, but with him I did. And the cynical part of me wants to say.." See this is what you get for trusting!"

The little in me just wants her Daddy and to be held till the hurt goes away. What to do? What to do?

I know that out there somewhere there is a Daddy for me, someone who will hold me when I am sad, hurt, confused, wanting. Who will discipline for things done wrong. Who will hold  me accountable for that which I should be doing and dont or put off. Who will cherish me, snuggle with me, cuddle with me, let my little come out and play as much as the woman wants and needs to play.

I need someone who is fit and will want to push me to be the fit woman I used to be. I want it, I just need the encouragement and discipline to do it.

I did not get a Daddy Dom for Christmas, well I pretty much did not get anything. Except asked at 1pm on Christmas Day what I wanted by my youngest son.

I did not get a Daddy Dom for New Year's, all I got was a year older and to work over time.

I did not get a Daddy Dom for Valentine's Day, but my sons did get me roses, they did not want me to go without this Valentine's Day. Yeah they do make me proud.

I do want one, I just need to wait for him to find me.

PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH...THEN DECIDE IF I AM WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.  I am a 47 year old woman just wading into this lifestyle. I am separated, for several reasons, one being lack of that which I need. Structure, guidance and discipline. These are things that are missing from my life but are not only wanted but NEEDED in order for me to thrive, be fulfilled and grow. I have been submissive all my life but am just now actively looking to fulfill that role, with the right person. I am open and honest, ask and I will tell you. I expect the same from others, if I am willing to open up, Please be so kind as to accord me the same. The Dom I am looking for will be between the ages of 38 and 55, no disrespect intended but please do not contact with intent of wanting to be my Dom if you are outside this limit. I ask that you be fit, as to be able to guide me in the rest of my journey to becoming fit again, have a sense of humor, enjoy life and all t has to offer, be kind yet firm and have a good mix of vanilla in your life also.

Thank You for your time in reading this. If you wish to get to know me, Please contact me. TAKE NOTE, IF  YOU ARE CONTACTING ME TO BE RUDE, CRUDE OR JUST PLAIN MEAN, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED! NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF PROPER MANNERS OR HOW TO SHOW RESPECT!

ALSO PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING: I have a name, and contrary to what the first person whom I thought was a Dom says, my name is important to know! Ask for it, use it! Just as I will ask for yours, it is important for the bonds of trust to grow that I know about you. I appreciate you telling me your name and about you, and do not tell me that i need to earn the right to know your name. The title Sir or Master or Daddy is just that, a title that is earned with my trust. Until such time, you have a name that I should be allowed to use.

Please note I am NOT looking for anything permanent at this time,if something develops down the road, fine, if not it is the way it was meant to be. I am at this time leaning toward wanting a dd/lg type relationship. or D/s relationship with a sensual Dom. I am committed to staying where I am for the next year or so, so please if you are considering me keep that in mind. Also know that due to being on my own now, I cannot afford to travel very far, so unless you are going to come to me...and I do not do well with online only relationships..you may want to look elsewhere. If you are willing to travel to me I am a very affectionate person, I am a hugger. I love to snuggle, cuddle and be held. I love to kiss and be kissed. I crave intimate touch. Please know that if you cannot give these, then do both of us a favor and do not contact me, it will save us both some time and hurt. 

TAKE NOTE, I AM LOOKING FOR FRIENDSHIP FIRST THEN LET NATURE TAKE IT'S COURSE!!

You Scored as Submissive

Oxford Dictionary: Submissive: ready to conform to the authority or will of others

always knew that how i felt about this meant something, guess for the person who told me i was not submissive, he was wrong. although the part on bondage might actually be a bit higher, lol. so is the submissive part. but who is perfect??

Dear Sir, Master or Daddy,

Thank you for your interest in me. There are a few things you should know about me before progressing further.

The cliche "once bitten, twice shy" really pertains to me at this point, so please do not push right off. I understand that in the dynamics of a D/s relationship it is your job/duty to push limits with me, but I ask that you get to know me, build the bonds of trust and respect before pushing. Push too soon and I will most likely run the other way.

The first couple meetings will be in public, that is a hard limit with me.

Trust, Respect and Chemistry must be there for a relationship to thrive.

Although I am guarding my heart a bit more now, once given it is a treasure to be cherished, Please be careful not to tread on it.

My trust, once given, is also precious, with it comes loyalty and my submission. It is worth the work to gain it.

Please keep in mind that I am learning and will ask many questions, I ask for your patience during this time.

MTH

as in my 23 yr old son, who is coming for a week visit.. this mommy cannot wait!!

call me good!! I am getting ready for a wake and dropped 2 glass bottles on my foot..i think i fractured my big toe.. Darn Darn and Double Darn!!

also 24 hours and i will be holding my baby!!

Little girl lost, that is me.

where is the one who will hold me in my darkest hour? who will tell me i am worthy? that i am not a failure?

where is the one who will hold this little girl and comfort her.

where is the one who will hold this woman and make her feel wanted

where is the one who will talk to this lady and be her friend

yesterday was a dark evening, you see it was my 24th anniversary, for months before we separated my husband told others that he wanted to leave, i was the last to know.

he walked away almost debt free, left mine, paid his. which is what he said he was doing..well to others he said this to.

so why do i feel like such a failure? i quit smoking and put on more weight and really feel like a beached whale.

this is what happens when i run away and think i can do this alone. sometimes i am just not strong enough. and need a pair of strong arms to hold me, strong shoulders to lean on, an understanding heart and strong mind to help me achieve that which i desire. even if it means this girl gets a red ass for it.lol

Thy will be done yes, but help could not hurt..

mth

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

May you receive all you wish for this Christmas and may your New Year be better than last and see you happy and secure!

The days are counting down and the year is coming to an end. People all over the world are working on their resolutions, reflecting on the year that is past, hoping for a better new year. 

Me, I am wanting this year to end. I want the hurt inside me to end. I want Christmas, my birthday and what would have been my 24th anniversary to just be done and over with.  

I would like for the tears to dry up, the sadness to dissipate. I want my holiday spirit to return. I want to hold and be held. To love and be loved. I want to give and receive. 

I want my soul to stop bleeding, my heart to stop breaking. 

These are my wishes for the New Year. 

Although these are my wishes for me, I do wish everyone else a Fun and Exciting New Year, may all your wishes and dreams come true. 

From this New Year's Baby, Hugs and a Kiss to all, 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

First let me say Happy Thanksgiving to all. 

Someone told me that I should have planned my separation better, so that I wasn't alone for the Holidays. 

Yes for the first time in my life I will wake up on a Holiday and be alone, no family here to see or talk to. For the first time in many years I will not be cooking a meal for my family. I will be going to a friend's house so I am not totally alone. 

One son is in Texas, the other will be with his father. They will be going to his sister's. I am not close to my side so I won't be going to any of their houses. 

I did not plan on separating from my husband, I was the last one to know that he was discontent. That he was looking for someplace to move to. That he was paying off his credit cards and bills so he could walk away debt free. 

I did not ask for this to happen, yet it has. And yes this Holiday season I will be alone. I will wake up alone, I will go to bed alone. I will spend the majority of the days alone, except for work and a short period with my youngest, before he goes to be with his father. 

I pray for the strength to see me through this period, To see me to the end of this road in my life. 

I pray for the wisdom to make the correct choices, to choose the correct path I should be on.

I pray that He guide me, hold me and help me on this journey, that I do not walk alone down this path I am on. 

I am thankful for the friends I have and those I am making. 

I am thankful for the family I have

I am thankful for my health, my career and home. 

Dear Sir,

I have needs, wants and desires, yes, but I am also a strong woman. I am submissive by nature but  I am also a strong woman. I can choose whom to bestow my submission on, that makes me a strong woman. If you cannot respect that then please leave me in peace. I am not here as your play thing, to be used when you desire and forgotten in between. I have feelings too. You say you want to help me, yet all you have done so far is take. When does the help come in? When does the focus come to me and my needs? So as this is how you wish things to be I am using my strength and walking away. I rescind my submission. Because to me my wants, needs and desires are just as important as yours. As is respect.

This is what I told the Dom I walked away from. One of the things he taught me is that I am a strong woman. But I do not think he thought I would use that strength to walk away from him. But I had to. I would end up being hurt in the end and I have suffered enough hurt to date to last me forever. 

I am wading my way through these waters, I am finding that ones that I thought were good and honest are not so. Sometimes I find this search frustrating. But I will persevere. I will find the perfect Dom for me. 

Someone who is equal parts sensual and strict, Someone who will adore the girl in me, and respect the woman.

Someone to hold the girl when she is frightened and scared, lonely and alone, yet praise the woman for standing on her own even though she is scared, frightened, lonely and sometimes alone.

Someone who will take care of the girl while praising the woman for doing for herself

 Someone to love all of me.

I spoke with you and you touched a part of me. I trusted you with things I have never told another. I met you and you held me, then gave me something special, You! You did not want to hurt me so you chose to back away, THANK YOU  for that consideration. That means a lot, that you think of others not only of yourself. We touched base again and everything is still there, the trust, the need, the wanting, the throbbing ache you leave me with and the desire to give you my greatest gift, my submission!

The little girl in me wants to crawl into your lap and let you hold me, the woman in me wants to do all the things you have told me about.

The little girl in me wants your reassurance and approval, the woman in me 

wants to show you I can be what you want and need.

The little girl in me wants your love and understanding, the woman in me 

wants your collar, to show the world I belong to YOU and only YOU!!

The little girl in me wants Daddy, the woman in me 

wants the man in you!

With the exception of paperwork I am single. I haven't been single in 25+ years. Wow!! Longer than I have been alive. Not sure if I'm going to like this, BUT I'm not going to rush into anything. I know I'm too emotionally hurt right now to be of good to anyone. But friends I could use, and who know where that will lead in time. I will NOT be rushed into something. If you can handle friend for now, with lots of talking, chatting and emailing for now, I will consider you as a friend. If you are only going to try to rush me, move on please. If you are in the Upstate NY, NE PA area all the better. I just moved into an apartment so cannot travel to easily. 

I love learning too, so if you do not mind lots of questions, let me know. 

I am a coward, I will admit it. Packing up and dividing up 25 years of a life with another is very hard to do. So while he was packing and moving some stuff out I have been hiding in the office. It is tearing me apart, I know things are over and that he cannot give me what I need and want right now, but it is still hurting me deeply. As I cry on and off, I ask for the strength to get through this. Part of me wants to run far far away from all this, and not look back. The girl in me just wants to be held  til all the hurt is gone. but i am afraid of being hurt more, so I am stuck in the in between. Oh what to do? 

If I have neglected you, I am sorry. I am human therefore bound to fail and disappoint. It is not intentional, but will happen from time to time. I am either distracted, busy or forgot. Not your fault, it is mine. I know this failing and admit to it. It is one of many things I am trying to work on. 

Right now, although it may look like i am goofing off, i assure you i am not. I may take a moment here and there to check my mail, but that is in between sorting, cleaning, moving and setting up an apartment. Going through years of accumulated stuff, deciding what to keep, sell and toss is not easy. Neither is paring down. 

So your understanding and compassion would be appreciated. If you cannot give that, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, it is not in my nature. 

For 25 years I have shared my life,I knew the end of my marriage was not going to be easy. Well the marriage ending isn't hard, it's the dividing up of the items we collected over those years that is hard. It is realizing that this holiday season will be the first in 25 years that I will be alone.. my 23 year old son is in Texas, my 20 year old will most likely spend the days with his father and his family, and I'm not close to my family. My heart hurts at the thought of being alone on the holidays. 

Besides that thought I need the strength to find the spirit that has always made thanksgiving and Christmas my favorite holidays. The spirit that makes me bounce and glow with good wishes. That makes me want to decorate everything, make cookies and goodies. Make everyone a homemade gift, and give joy to everyone. 

Tonight though I just want to be held, to feel secure arms around me as I cry for that which is gone. As I mourn that which will never be again. As I say a final goodbye to that which I had. 

Looking at apartments for myself was depressing. But something which had to be done. I am going to miss having others in the house with me. And most places don't allow pets so I also have to say goodbye to our dogs..can my heart break anymore? 

LOVING arms,strong hands,LOVING lips,caring eyes,firm voice, generous heart,firm body where are you? Come guide me, give me structure and the feeling of being secure and cherished,safe,wanted and comforted. 

Dear Sirs, Masters and Doms, 

after much reading, emailing, chatting and texting. I have come to a conclusion. This is not an easy process. I have budding friendships And prospects. A couple who really want to work with me to better me, some who want to own me and then there are those who just want to play or be rude. I have decided to retreat from here and see where things go. I wish everyone well. 

Some time ago I had the chance to work with a Dom for a very short period of time. But in that time He was able to do things that others spent years trying to do and could not. I trusted Him where I had not trusted others. I told Him details of the sexual abuse I endured as a child, I told Him the details of my failing marriage. He knew of my needs, my wants and desires. From the moment I was put into contact with Him, He was able to garner a response from me that I couldn't give to even my husband. He told me to stop smoking, we determined the punishment if I should smoke again. I gave Him a hard limit to show how serious I was about stopping smoking. Even though I haven't seen Him or heard from Him, I still use the punishment as the motivator to not smoke. 

The day I will never forget with Him is the day He came in, I was kneeling on the floor, knees apart, bottom resting on my heels and hands on my thighs. My head was bent, eyes down. He told me to stand, He took the towel I had on off and walked around me. He then put a posture collar on me, with leash. Restrained my hands behind my back, then led me around my house. I was surprised by the feelings of comfort I got from being restrained by Him and led around. After returning to our starting point He had me bend forward, He then administered a spanking (albeit a short one), again I was surprised by the feelings He evoked in me, I felt centered after that spanking. He then had me stand up and granted me permission to look at Him, He removed the collar and wrist restraints, and then pulled me into His arms, holding me and talking with me. He made me feel cherished for the first time in years. Our time together was short due to problems in His life that needed His attention. But I did send Him messages, letting Him know how I was doing, how the not smoking was going and such.

This is what I am seeking. I Need to feel trust, NEED to feel the comfort, the feeling of being centered and cherished that I felt that day with Him..there wasn't anything sexual in that part of our time together. We had our time that was sexually based, but it did not eclipse the other time.