I hear people ask all the time, “What is it you want?” or “What are you looking for?” I always give some half-assed answer, because I really don’t know how to answer the question. Truthfully, it is because I am divided into three parts, all seeking something different. My mind, heart and body all yearn for THE relationship. But if I asked each separate part, I’d get three answers.
My mind would say, “I am looking for intelligence. I need someone who can converse about current events, politics, and other subjects which require thought and reasoning. He would have to be able to think outside the box. He would never just follow the masses blindly. Even if we do not agree, he should be able to hold his own were we to debate. He would push himself and me to learn and grow. He would also have an appreciation for sarcasm and wit, and an ability to laugh at himself. He would accept that I have a very strong mind and use it. I am not a doormat nor will I ever be treated as such again.”
My heart would say, “I yearn to be loved. I mean real love, not the possessive, jealous, conditional love I seem to find all too often. He would be strong, yet tender, always aware that his words have the power to bring me to my knees and destroy me. I need to be able to truly open up instead of holding everything in. My emotions are so stuffed down that it causes physical pain. I want to trust completely. He would also share his feelings with me. There would be no secrets between us. That must flow both ways. The walls around my heart are thick, heavy, from years of lies and abuse. There would be no drama. I have a very strong bond with my children and he would never consider trying to drive a wedge between us.”
My body would say, “I need sex, often. I ache to be used sexually, as often as possible. My sex drive is extremely high. I will not be used by a sadist for I am not a masochist. I like rough sex, to be treated like the slut I was born to be. But I will not consent to being beaten, covered in bruises, or to be pushed too hard. I need someone who is aware and can learn how to read my physical cues. He will know that, while his sexual needs must be met, so must mine if I am to flourish under his control. I am no longer a young lady. I am also obese. He will keep this in mind as I cannot crawl or kneel for long periods. Although I don’t necessarily need it, I desire to be used by others.”
Some people may argue that I don’t sound very submissive. But I believe any real D type understands that there is more to a submissive than her body. I have a deep need to submit, to hand over control. This does not mean I should be treated as a physical shell. While my mind, heart and body have different needs and desires, they are all connected within me.
