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IN TRAINING. I am married. Please know that. My arrangement with my husband is of no concern to you. I am looking for caucasian, no tattoos, no piercings, no facial hair, clean cut, between 30-45, 6' and over. No offense, just my preferences. Can you unexpectedly pin me against a wall and kiss me deep? Blindfold me and tease me until I beg? Mindfuck me in an email and make me nearly cum? Hold my wrists above me head, while you're fucking me? Tie my wrists with your tie? Punish me when I am bad? Will you also protect me, teach me, watch over me, tell me when something is bad for me, guide me, and care for/about me? Rub your hard cock on my wet panties but not let me be fucked? Can you slide your fingers up my skirt at dinner and tease me because you know there is nothing I can do about it? Can you call me baby or princess after you call me a bitch? What do I offer? I don't know. What do you want?

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8/30/2012 11:20:48 AM

OK so my plan this morning was to work the fuck out of myself. Ha! And seriously, it is exactly as read. I am trying to work the fuck out because right now, it's all I want. Unfortunately, I have a biz meeting this morning. I thought it was at noon but it was at 9. So I did 45 on the tread at 3.0 incline 2.7 mph. Then hopped over to the bike and did like 5 minutes before looking at my phone and realizing I needed to get my ass back home for my call. Ugh! And yes, the fuck is still there. HA!

I am alone for the next 3 days. What trouble will I get into? I need distractions!

Spoke with my sweet friend in PHX yesterday. She and I are planning to head out to a gay club and have some fun. Gay men are so hot. The club we used to go to in San Diego was Ritchies. It had the best music! And they had these gorgeous gay boys up on pedestals in their boxer briefs (my favorite!). They take such good care of themselves and so hot to look at all tanned and tone and half naked. It was just so much fun. So C knows of a great club in PHX. I am super excited to go! I just love my little C! So apparently she talked to her husband, who was my friend before he married C. So it is kind odd how that worked out. I've know Ce (C's husband) for about 15 years or so. I give the boy credit, he has awesome taste in girls. C is awesome! So apparently Ce wants to talk to me about what I am doing. Does he think he can talk me out of it? C told him there was no way that right now, I was going to stop. She is right, I am not going to stop. There is a need in me that I have to satisfy. I am risking so much for it but I need it. How can I ever explain it to anyone who doesn't know what this is?

Oh and I so totally need to ask something. Do Owners think it is against policy or makes them soft to tell their pets they are hot, cute, doing a good job etc? I am just wondering.

Also how often is a pet looked in on? Or checked up on? Is a pet supposed to be good in the absence of their Owner? But I guess I am not really owned yet anyway.


8/30/2012 6:37:16 AM

Yesterday was amazing! He went easy on me. I was ready for more 20 minutes later and the rest of the day as well. He's perfect.

He is very busy today which is not going to be easy on me but I will be good. I want to make him happy. Though I do admit I am defying him a little bit in one area. I want to see if I get caught and if he punishes me. I don't think he knows I have this journal so I am safe writing out my thoughts. I want to get a punishment from him. Even a stern talking to. Even writing about it is making me shakey and my pulse quickens with the thought of him telling me that I should have listened to him. I don't know if he will catch it. It is a very minor infraction and can be easily missed. With him being so busy, it may be awhile but I am going to let it go until I do get caught. I can't wait.  


8/29/2012 10:17:04 AM

Did a quick 30 minute body sculpture class. I feel fat and gross. I should have done more but I have other things on my mind! I'm going to the pool today so I can at least tan to make myself feel a little better.

Had the best phone call this morning. No green light yet. I love/hate it which he just loves. I think he may be trying to make me crazy and he is succeeding at it. I hear his voice and I just melt, everywhere. I see his face, so serious all the time, smirking when I can get him to and I just want to do whatever he wants me to do.

I am fascinated how he can take my fantasies and add to them. He turns them into reality situations that could really occur. I've never gone "there". They were always just fantasies. Whoever lives out their fantasies?

 


8/29/2012 7:22:39 AM

Wed. is upon us. I feel great. Well, wet and wanting like crazy but great otherwise. He teases me by just existing. How the hell does he do that? I see his name online, I get butterflies and wet. I'm so easy. He must be enjoying that he gets me so hot by just being. I waited all day yesterday for the green light and it never happened. Last night it only got more intense. I had to go to bed early, I couldn't stand it. This morning I woke up to a very perfect email. He worked so hard on it and I owe him for it. He is very good at what he does. I knew he would be. He is so much more experienced than I am. I wonder if he will get tired of having to always tell me what I should be doing. He knows he is my first though so he must expect the training to be a part of all of this. Or that is my hope. Being a virgin is not a good position to be in with someone that has as much experience as he does. I do not want to exasperate him with questions and slip ups.

I decided not to exercise until this afternoon. Kind of odd for me. I really want to play this morning. But it is not up to me, is it? I am going to make every attempt to eat before I go but we all know how that goes. Then going to lay out by the pool. I DO have work to get today. It is imperative that I do it. So no fucking around today. Well, aside from what I allowed to do :) More later....if I can still type :)


8/28/2012 4:39:47 PM

OMG OMG OMG today could not have gone ANY better!

Strict, commanding, mature, experienced, hot as hell, oh yea baby!

 


8/28/2012 6:18:43 AM

Good morning everyone.

It's Tuesday! Let's see what the day brings :)


8/27/2012 11:34:20 PM

Can't sleep.

Have a lot on my mind. I was hoping to workout the crazy in my head this morning by sweating it out. Clearly it did not work.

I am going to try again tomorrow. I plan on spending awhile at the gym. Then I have some work-related running around to do.

I have to get it all done early though. I have things to do!

So.....what special thing is happening tomorrow? Laughing My little inner me is jumping around. And truth be told, it is why I can't sleep.

Is it tomorrow yet?


8/27/2012 4:03:35 PM

I ate a banana today! And yes, I practiced with it too. I have a LONG way to go to deactivate that damned gag reflex.

Exercise log: 45 minutes on the tread at 2.7 incline 2.7 mph. 15 min. on the bike and I didn't track what I did. My butt keeps falling asleep on the bike and my clit hurts after. Kinda feels like I am hot though. That clit pain when you are denied. I've exeperienced it a few times and not nearly enough. And it never stays denied, the guy always has to follow through. I wonder what it would be like to be completely denied and told no sex.

Oh, wait, the rest of my exercise log. 2 reps on the butt thing where you lay down and push up a platform with weights, one foot at a time. 20 reps on the inner thigh at 25lbs. of pressure. Outer thigh, 20 reps at 50 lbs. I am not liking the outer thigh thing. I am not sure what it is doing for me. The inner thigh is my hugely major issue that is bothering me the most. I mean, my whole body is an issue but I really hate my inner thighs.

OK on to better subjects. Being denied release. So here is my thought. I am finding older guys more attractive because they have the ability to stay in control at all times. Though the younger guys are super hot, I need someone with experience. Not only for the control but for the maturity and ability to control themselves and especially me. Older meaning 40-50 btw.

And here is another thing. When you ask me to look at your cam, do you really think I want to see your cock? I've seen many, and stop it, it is not because I am a slut. I worked in Critical Care for 6 years before changing my career. I saw many cocks so trust me when I tell you, I will not be impressed and I am not interested. You want me to worship your cock? You need to make me worship all of you. You need to get to me through my mind. Not saying that I would be worth the trouble, I may not be. I could not tell you because I am still very new to this. But I am very much looking forward to being someones pet I know I will do my best to please my new Owner. I won't be the best looking, the best fucking, the best sucking, but I will try to obey and be the best pet I can be. You want me? I am yours. But make me yours.


8/27/2012 7:34:16 AM

Seriously going to attempt to eat this morning. Though it's going against everything I want to do. I am doing treadmill, bike, and a few machines for my inner thighs (I HATE THEM) and my ass. I figure since everyone wants to beat my ass, I better get it into shape.

I am tired this morning. Did not sleep so well. Woke up with a lot of anxiety. Maybe I will get a facial (stop it, I know where your mind is), after working out. I def. need to get my white and untoned ass tanned today. Though it would be so much cuter red, don't you think?

OK so here is an embarrasing admission. Whenever I get super hot ( I hate the word horny...it's so...70's and I hate the word lover too...dealbreaker!), my eyes water. What is that? It's new for me.  I can't stop it though, it just happens. Strange.

So my dose of reality. It is not what everyone thinks, so stop asking. It was a simple meeting and nothing more. But it was a wake up call for me. I really need to consider what I am doing, what I will do, and ther after effects of it all. Consequences is a more appropriate term I think. I did take "Online Romance" out of my profile preferences. Why? Because like I've said before, I am frustrated with any connection I make in another country. How can we ever be on the same page? I'm such high maintenance, I need constant supervision and checking up on. That just can't happen from a hugely different time zone. Though OMG, the accents make me super hot. But my need to be checked up on always trumps a great accent.

So why do I need to be constantly maintained? Attention, no question. I love the attention. It also shows that my Owner is tending to his pet. If you saw 9 1/2 weeks, remember when he left her alone in his apt? He then called to see what she was doing? She was up to no good by going through his things. He caught her. Same thing. Like I said, high maintenance. I get myself in a lot of trouble if I am not watched over. BUT I think that will fade as time goes on with one Owner, I will get comfortable with my rules and obey them happily. And maybe slip up every so often so I can get that one extra punishment :)

OK I am really going to attempt a banana now and get my ass (not red) to the gym.

Kisses and Paddles!


8/26/2012 7:07:22 PM

I'm having lots of thoughts today. Need to get them out.

So real-life. Yea, a lot to think about on that one. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought. It's like jumping out of a plane. One step off and you can't go back. You can not erase what you've done. Will I hurt people doing what I need to do? Absolutely. The consequences are astounding and could be worse than astounding. I could ruin everything for a lot of people.

I don't like that kind of responibility on my head.

So what the fuck am I doing here and why can't I leave?

Yes, I am spooked. I got a dose of reality today and I still do not know how I feel about it.


8/26/2012 2:55:18 PM

Had the best time with my girlfriend. We got to talking so much that our waiter had to come back 4 times before we were ready to order. We talked about everything. That's why I love her so much. She is the only girlfirend I have that I can say anything to. She never judges me and I am never afraid of what she thinks. She is really amazing. When we parted, I went to my car and then she went to hers. Then I hear her say "I need another hug" and she ran back over to me. I told her how much I missed her and she said she misses me too. Hard to find really great friends like that.

I havent exercised in 3 days as of today. I feel terrible and out of shape. I am afraid that Monday is going to work my ass over. Which sounds like fun except it is me, myself and I and it is exercising. Ha! But I know I will feel so much better after. I have still not been eating well. No, let me rephrase that. I am not eating like my trainer wants me to. But since when did I ever listen to anyone? (can that ever change where I will listen to someone?) But tomorrow, I have made a promise to eat a banana before my workout. So I will do my very best to eat a banana. And while I am at it actually, I can work on my gag reflex. So it a two-fer. I really want to impress a Master when I get one. Master, hmmm, I think I like Owner better? Let me say that again. I want to impress my new Owner when I get one. Yep, that fits perfectly. Owner. I like it. Whoever he is, I hope he is tough with me. I need it and I really want it. There will be times I slip because I am a novice but most of the time I am fully aware of what I am doing and that is usually testing and pushing my limits. It's all part of learning how far I can push, yes?

So what do I like to be called? Well, about anything. Princess, baby, bitch, whore, my name sometimes. But I just heard that someone uses the name Pet. I thought that was cute. Fucktoy was cute too. Oh and I just heard another but I'm drawing a blank. OH and my fave mindfucker used to ask me if I was needing to be bred. Isn't that kinda hot?

So I took a nap yesterday. Haven't done that in forever. I had a really nasty dream. The first BDSM dream I have ever really had. OK so remember this is a dream and it will make no sense. So for whatever reason I was looking down at a drafting board. LOL, as if I would ever be doing that. My boss (which I do not have, I work for myself) asked me to do something and I gave him attitude. So he comes up behind me and grabs my mouth and whispers in my ear that he demands that I do what I am told. There were other employees standing behind him. And then I woke up, shocked and hot. Ready to be bred HA!

Have any Owners read 50 Shades of Grey? I'm just curious.

Thanks for the messages letting me know you read my journal entries. It kinda feels good knowing that I am not talking to myself.


8/25/2012 7:03:48 AM

I made the mistake of looking through the photos on this site. WOW, I am not even close to the other women on this site. They are beautiful, trained, and experienced. I feel like a very small goldfish in a very large pond of sharks. I am really surprised anyone wants to talk with me.

It won't stop me from coming here though. I need this right now. I got called walking Viagra yesterday on videochat. I love that! Such a great ego boost.

No exercise yesterday :( Boo! No time. I feel icky today.

I am going into the office this morning and tonight I am driving up to PHX to see a really great girlfriend of mine. She is the only one that knows what I am going through right now. I am not shy about talking to her about all this. She never judges me. She is super sweet. Love her to pieces! She asked if I wanted to spend the night. Tempting, but I need to be back home. Though no one cares if I come or go so if it happens, no harm done.

My bad deed: I contacted him. I could not help it. I hate unresolved issues. I apologized again. I just want to take a punishment and move on but I think he is not even interested in that. Geez, what the hell did he do to me?


8/24/2012 3:47:30 PM

Totally forewent Zumba Toning. Not even the hot young guy could pull me in. I was still so sore from Yoga, I decided to do a 1.5 mile walk at a 2 incline and a 4.5 mile bike instead.

Saw my trainer yesterday too. She likes my cardio, not so crazy about my diet. She says I am not eating enough. So I told her I would try. Well, today, no luck. I did buy a banana but did not eat it. I will eat a protein dinner though. I always do that. Usually with veggies or a salad. I am being a good girl there.

OK I have a complaint. Why do people contact you when they are so far, like out of the country far? Maybe I need to take off the "Online" thing. I think it is confusing. What I want is mostly online with the possibility of going offline if things go well. I guess that's not to say that because we are in two differnt countries, there is zero chance of ever meeting. But, what about just general communication and the time diff. Look, I can admit it, I am high fucking maintenance, no question about that. So, how will I ever be kept in line when you can only check up on me when I am sleeping? By then I've probably already done something naughty and I am sleeping like a baby. That's no fun! I thrive on being kept in line, being told what to do and being checked up on!

OK now, I want to work on my ability to give great blowjobs. I want to be able to deep throat. So I am working really hard at deactivating my gag reflex. Unfortunately it has become extremely powerful the last 5 years which does not help my mission. Whenever I do meet someone in person, and if all is well, I want to impress him so that he wants to keep me as his whatever I will be. I want him to think about me when I am not around. My intention is a long-term D/s arrangement with one person and I want to be worthy of that position. So I will keep working on it until I think I can do what I want to do. I know I have a lot of training ahead of me. Both from myself and from whomever fits into what I need. Hopefully he will be patient with me as I transform myself into a good s or whatever he will call me.

Does anyone read these damned things?


8/23/2012 6:28:35 AM

My luck on here is simply amazing!

OK going to Zumba Toning this morning. Not my favorite class. I hate the music but my little hottie is in the class. I have to see if he is there today. There is no way in hell he could ever give me what I need though. He is way too sweet. I already have sweet. I do not need anymore of that!

 


8/21/2012 10:40:22 PM

Had an awesome day of playing. How the hours fly by when you're playing.

So he's super hot. I love when he tells me to "get your ass in here" or anything to that effect. Oh how I love being told what to do by a man!

So I was punished today for something stupid that I did. I must say, the punishment was awesome. Creative and super fun. I even have very, very rug burned knees that are swollen and hurt. My inner thighs have welts too. I love all of it. He did perfectly. Though it was a really long day for both us I think. Just when I think he doesn't have the experience, he surpises me. Not only that, he was keeping tabs on me and knew what I did AND called me out on it. Loved it!

He seems very reserved. I understand it. I know it will take time and things will relax.

I met some new people today and I like them a lot! Oh, "met" on here. Sorry, wanted to clarify that.

So there is this guy at my gym. He couldn't be older than 30. I saw him at Zumba Tone last week. We flirted, heavily! I want to see him again but he is so young. And besides, how do I say, "look you're super hot but I need you to control me?" Not exactly THE conversation you want to have from the start. Oh, let me describe him. 6'3 180 or so. Short brown hair and this body that you only see in magazines. He is simply amazing. He wants to be a teacher which tells me already he is too nice for me. It is funny that I used to only attract the bad boys, the jocks, you know. And as soon as I hit 26, it was all the nice guys. Strange how things turned around. Now all I want are the naughty boys who want to do naughty things.

I am a one Sir girl though. So as soon as I know it's Him, no more of any of this until He or I move on. Oh yea, I am not I anymore, I am "i". i keep forgetting that!

So if you're reading this and you ever message me, I love to be called baby, princess, and if you get to know me, the other names will come ;)


8/20/2012 10:04:51 PM

Things are looking much clearer for me.

His has silenced himself and is not talking to me. I think may be best. He is the intensity I need but I am too intense for him, no question.

No one has ever gotten to me like that. I have such a craving, a need, whatever you want to call it to be owned. He was very good at it but he kept me hungry all the time. Always wanting and needing more than he was willing to give I guess. He did his job too well. Maybe he will see that he is that good and he drove me crazy (in all the right places). I still have not released since he asked me to. Deep down maybe I am hoping he changes his mind and decides that I am worth the trouble.

Fortunately this site is vast and I am not having any trouble moving forward. Just finding someone who is intense enough for me and can handle me correctly is going to be a challenge. I am not easy. I'm difficult, sassy, defiant, and sometimes needy. At least I can admit it!


8/18/2012 8:22:30 PM

Boring exercise log: treadmill, 1 mile. I know, weak. It's Satuday. Do I get a break?

So fuck. That about wraps up how I feel right now.

I started talking to someone that is seemingly perfect for me. But really......really? I need to get out of this sub frenzy and wake the fuck up! I need to stop it. I am a very smart girl, I know better. So here is where my problem is.

One, I answer immediately. I know this game better than most. That is a rule breaker. Never answer anyone immediately.

Second, take everything with a grain of salt, especially online. Why do I believe the possible bullshit he is feeding me? Sub frenzy funk. I know better!

Third, he could clearly take me or leave me. I feel more of an investment because I have never done this before. Stupid me! It is supposed to be the other way around. How many other subs does he have? He is likely playing me like a fucking fiddle. Does he even really find me attractive or interesting at all?

Fourth, what the fuck am I doing sending any kind of media to him? OMG, I need to spank myself!

Fifth, I know nothing. Probably not even his real name. But sure as hell, he knows a lot about me, my past and my present. Ugh, I am disgusted with myself.

I am not desperate. I can get someone near me, easily. So what the fuck am I doing? I need to stop it! NOW!


8/17/2012 9:08:31 PM

OK today's boring exercise log: Pilates and 30 minutes of Turbo Cardio. Kill me now! I can barely move. I know that's a good thing though.

Onto my thoughts for the day:

What is it I want? What am I looking for? I think I know but I have been told that what I am looking for is impossible. Why is that?

I want someone to mindfuck me beyond my wildest dreams. Someone who can stand up to me. As for looks, tall is an absolute, clean cut, no tattoos, no piercings, I like the look of an everyday white collar guy and the naughty of the control freak behind the doors. I like ...no love...power. Powerful men, it is what I need.

If that is asking for too much, then I don't want it. This is not negotiable for me. I want what I want. End of story.


8/16/2012 7:12:24 AM

So, yesterday I did a whole body work out. It was good but I spent a lot of time on my knees on my tile floor. It has been a long time since I have had sore knees. It takes me back to the time when I would have sore knees for the right and fun reasons not the boring ones, like exercise.

 

Funny how when you are young, you'll do all kinds of crazy things to satisfy your need for sex. I remember many bruises, rug burns, neck kinks, etc. Then as you get older, you surround yourself with soft fluffy things. Nothing to remind you of the sex you had the night before. I miss being able to look down and push a bruise and have the previous night's events all come rushing back to me.

 

I hate the word journey, so I will not use it. But I am slowly finding out who I am on this thing I have going on. I am fucked up. 50 Shades of Fucked Up? Probably. I have my feet in two worlds. One that requires me to be on my best behavior all the time and this other one that I love so much. Maybe it is just a fascination for now? Maybe not. I know I am enjoying everything thus far though. How far will I take it? How much do I need?

 

OK off to Zumba Toning this morning.

 

Kisses & Spanks

 


8/14/2012 12:26:17 PM

Attended water aerobics today. She worked my ass! I am happy for it though. I need it and I wanted it. I am trying desperately to get into shape again. I miss the old me. The confidence, the stamina, the cute panty choices.

 

Yesterday was Yoga. It was a nice relaxation class. In the beginning of class we pick a word and talk about what it means to us. I picked "RELEASE". I had to giggle to myself. I mean, how ironic. It is the one thing I do not want to do unless I am told it is ok. So then I had to talk about it in front of a bunch of people. All I said was "I need to release stress". Seriously? That's the best I could do?

 

So I guess I should talk about why I am writing this. First, the freedom to say what I want to say. I have to be so careful all the time. What I say, what I do, blah, blah, blah. It gets stifiling and annoying. Second, the one I am looking for needs to know me.

 

I've met a lot of people via this site already. It has been amazing. I have learned a lot about the lifestyle, about me, about others. I am still very timid about things though. I am almost sure about what I want but isn't part of training learning how far you'll push?

 

Oh and one other thing, I am educated (even thorugh 1st year law school) but many times my brain is faster than my hands and I miss words. So I am not a stupid girl, just anxious to get my words out before they disappear.

 

I have so much to say but I need to do some work. More later.

 


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MistressDutch
 
 Age: 44
 Fontana, California