Lately I've heard a lot of talk about *Personal Responsibility*
So many people come to this lifestyle anxious to experience what they have fantasized about that they seem to dismiss the dangers. If they don't know what to expect, they can't explain to you how their body works, or know how its going to react, or what its going to be like the next day. Even if they say they know, you don't know, so of course, go at your own speed and never feel pushed into doing something (as a top) which you aren't comfortable with. You can come back for more.
It's very boring, possibly parental of me, but I agree totally. You can't do take backs, you can go do more later once you've worked out "was that good? what was good?". A negative experience can set you back/put you off/traumatise you or break a potential relationship. Leave them wanting more is a very good motto.
Many will push their safety/positive experience responsibilities onto their partner. Is that a reasonable expectation or are safety and positive experience a personal responsibility?
I've seen light scenes where the bottom was obviously wanting more and cajoling for more, but the top quite rightly said "thats enough" and that's one of the things I'd put out clearly upfront. It's enough if either of us says thats enough. I think this is the best way to approach someone who has little experience, the rush of sub frenzy or the "not wanting to seem like you can't take it" might make them very reluctant to say "stop" and feel a failure.
Aside from the standard, basic "communication" are there specifics for either the top or the bottom to help achieve a positive experience for someone who doesn't know what to expect?
Talk talk talk. Talk before, not just about what they want done but what it is you want them to look out for. If they've never been tied up before, then tell them what you want to know, if there is numbness, etc, etc, rather than just if they are ok. Check in during on those specific things, ask them to repeat what it was you asked them to watch out for. Not only does this show if they listened/remembered what you wanted, and give you a chance to check those things are still ok, it shows you the sort of headspace they are in and how much awareness of the situation they have.

I have notice a larger number of scammer on the site.

There is one I have reposrted a numver of time. Same info just the user name changes.

WARNING Theo Dickey

theousarmy01 - http://www.collarspace.com/personals/v/2480002/details.htm
theousarmy01 Male Dominant, 57, New York US

username: theodickey
name: Theo Dickey
email: theodickey.usarmy@hotmail.com
age: 46 or 57
location: Aguora Hills, California, or New York, United States
ethnicity: white
occupation: usarmy
marital status: widowed

IP address: 185.139.236.115

I am good looking with a nice body figure even at my advanced age though i do not have much to say for now till i meet my queen whom i know is also searching for me because i believe so much in fate. I know my dream lady is out there searching for me of which i pray and hope to meet her here. This is all i can say now till i meet her and i will accept my soul mate once i see her because my instincts will tell me.

Typical email sent -

Hello dear, you caught my attention and attraction in my search for a person i will share my life views with. God has his own way of bringing people together so i was moved to write you and waiting impatiently to hear from you. Please reply me to this email- (theodickey.usarmy@outlook.com ) so we can share things concerning our life and see where it takes us to. Your new friend, Capt. Theo. ( theodickey.usarmy@outlook.com )

This scammer is has been reposrted on 23 sites.

Being a Domme can be serious business. Unfortunately I don't always live up to that menacing title. Here's a few examples :

° What do you mean we are out of coffee? Can you bring me my kitten cup?

° Is my bubble bath ready?

° Do you want to play golf? Almost guaranteed to drive any sane person nuts. 

° Expect to be bugged, torments while you try to watch the hockey game. But don't bother me for attention during Game of Thrones, Castle or Big Bang. 

° I love beating and electrifying men, but take breaks to tease the cats. 

Most of the time, I'm an intimidating hardcore bitch of Sadistic pleasures. Other times I'm just a bowl of soft served Ice Cream.

If there's one thing I've learned is that bad boys love Ice Cream.

Talk to all the people, not just the dominants. If you use kinky communities to just try to talk to only what seems to be femdoms, you are not only missing out on some interesting people, but you are missing out on the hidden pool of kinksters, tops, switches and so on. Even just making friends, it also helps because even if you don’t meet someone directly, other people may introduce you to them based on “X seems cool!”. Meanwhile, if you only try to date openly kinked, you exclude all the women with the potential to rock your submissive socks who don’t currently have the vocabulary to describe what you both like. All these people you are ignoring by only pursuing obvious dominant women *might* actually be into what you are looking for, and treating it like a numbers game and trying to enjoy the socializing for its own sake will make you calmer than if you hold out for Miss Perfect Domina Pants and ignore Suzy Switch, Katy Kinkster and Vanessa Not As Vanilla As She Seems.

From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jonathan-chase/a-case…

Hey guys! Are you struggling to find the right words to text that special lady you met at a bar? Your bros and frat buddies will tell you that in lieu of forming a legible sentence, it's totally acceptable to send her a picture of your penis to let her know that you are indeed a man, and you have one of those.

winky face eggplant emoji

I'm here to tell you, as your fellow man: it is not acceptable to do this.

Walk with me. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She's at brunch telling her roommate about how she was at Jessica's wedding last weekend and the DJ named Ben asked for her number. Her phone goes off; it's a text from the aforementioned DJ. She swipes to unlock. She clicks to open the text. She vomits up her eggs Benedict because she just received a picture of Ben's dick at breakfast.

Why?? Why is this a thing?? Did I miss the meeting where we added a step to the evolution of modern romance? Did we somehow slip "Send her a picture of your penis" in between "Ask for her number" and "Hey, want to grab drinks?'

I can't see how this is a good idea.

Let's put the unsolicited dick pic in a real life equivalent scenario. You see an attractive woman across the bar from you. You walk over, and without any warning you drop your pants and stand there proud, with your hands on your hips, and your manhood exposed. She screams. She pepper-sprays you. The bartender calls the police. The police arrest you for indecent exposure.

That didn't go the way you wanted it to.

Sending a woman an unsolicited dick pic is a coward's move. You aren't impressing her; you're grossing her out, and one could even say assaulting her.

I'd like to offer a solution -- or at the very least an alternative to the unsolicited dick pic. The Unsolicited Duck Pic.

Instead of sending a woman a picture of your manhood, send her a photo of an adorable little duckling. I promise you this is 1,000x more likely to garner an "AWWW" than your penis ever will be.

Let's put the unsolicited DUCK pic in a real life equivalent scenario. You see an attractive woman across the bar from you. You walk over, and you pull out a cute baby duckling. She smiles, she looks at you weird, because you're a grown-ass man in a bar with a baby duckling, but oddly, she finds it endearing.

OK, so it's a broken analogy, but hey, baby ducks are a way better icebreaker than dicks, and you're walking out of there a free man, without pepper-sprayed eyes.

Apply this to texting: send her a picture of a baby duck, OR JUST USE YOUR WORDS -- show her some respect and start talking to her. You're a man, not an animal.

If you're going to send me first contact messages offering your ass, please don't bother.
If you're going to send me first contact messages offering to service me in any number of ways, please don't bother.   I've been nice about it in the past. Chances are your message will be deleted.
I might respond if I'm feeling like toying with you, much like a cat plays with their prey. It doesn't mean I'm interested in you though. Means I'm bored.

I do not get involved with random strangers. Approaching me in a sexual manner is the wrong way to go about meeting me and making friends. If I don't know you, I can promise you that we will never play or be naked together.

I am not a fetish delivery service, do not treat me as such. It only pisses me off, and you don't want to do that. Trust me.

I have purposefully kept my profile vague. I very much dislike the use of labels on anything other than soup cans. If you want to know how to interact with me, I strongly suggest you start with the fact that I am human. Female, if you want to be specific. A woman, and I like to be treated as such. I will endeavour to treat you like I want to be treated. That means a measure of respect for the fact you are human, beyond that, the honorific you choose to use doesn’t mean much to me. I don’t see them, much like I don’t see skin color or sexual orientation. Those things don’t matter to me either.

If you wish to call me "Mistress", understand that I do not allow that title to be used lightly. It comes with stipulations and expectations. If you cannot meet those and wish to use an honorific, Bunny will do fine. However, I have worked hard to craft my skills and bearing as a Dominant over the last decades, and all that work is valuable to me. It's something I cherish and carefully guard. I will share it with those whom I build that connection with, but not just because you are submissive. Would any submissive feel comfortable if I, acting as a Dominant, walked up and said "Hello, pet"?

It happens. Fact is, we all may been guilty in some form or another of stepping over that line. I hear quite often legitimate complaints from submissive people that being a submissive does not make you EVERYONE'S submissive. Well, being a Dominant doesn't make me EVERYONE'S Dominant.

Dominance, however, is another story. It requires vulnerability, trust, connection, communication, intimacy, and desire. I have spent years playing, talking, listening, making mistakes, learning, working on myself, listening, crafting, and honing those parts of me to build that. I am still doing it, and I am far from perfect. I am damn good, but not nearly perfect. All that work is not something I am willing to share with anyone who has "sub" by their name, a collar on their neck, and who opts to call me "Mistress". No, you must earn that vulnerability and trust. You must do the same work I will do to build that connection. You must communicate as I will, and share as I share. We will have to work together. And if you can do that, and we share a same desire, then we most certainly will get to a point where you call me "Mistress".

I have a select few who I have allowed to call me that. Some of them are still allowed. Each of them is someone I cherish, and valued what it means when they call me that too much to just let anyone do it.

I often have boys messaging me, making mistakes and then when I reprimand them, they give the excuse that they are 'new to all this'.....so, I'm going to give a few pointers here, based on my own feelings, about how you should or should not approach/message a Dominant

1) If you are 'new to this', I strongly suggest that you do some research first, to find out what is expected of a sub with regards behavior and how to approach a Dominant.

2) Address the Dominant by a title. If you are not happy using "Mistress" (my normal preference), then use Miss, Ma'am or Lady, all of which show respect.

3) If you do send a message, do it correctly, and in a way that might inspire the Dominant to reply to you. First a greeting (eg: Greetings Mistress), then an introduction of yourself (eg: My name is xyz, I am x old, I live in xyz etc, etc), then the reason for you are messaging her....and I suggest you do not do the "I want to be your slave" reason. Following that, a thank you to her for taking the time to read your message and ending off with a final salutation (eg: Kind regards XYZ). If you send a message that simply says "Hi"....well....there is NOTHING there to inspire ANYONE to respond to...its lazy....be more creative.

4) DO NOT just send a random friend request...me personally....I find that rude, I expect a boy to send me a message first...of the type explained above....however, that is still no guarantee that he will get in my friend list.

5) DO NOT be demanding or impatient with a Dominant and be careful not to 'top from the bottom' (if you don't know what that means, I suggest you do some research on it)

6) If you get a NO, do NOT throw a hissy fit, accept the rejection gracefully and thank the Dominant for her time. Doing that, is more likely to get you a possible yes in the future if she sees you are well behaved.

7) Speaking for myself, if someone contacts me and they seem interesting, the first thing I will do is peruse their profile, to see if I can see what kind of person they are. So I will look at public posts they make, at the 'about' section of their profile, at what their 'likes'. If I see anything I don't like....then that WILL count against them/you. Also, don't think you will be clever and hide things from your profile, because again...personally, if I go to a profile and there is nothing to see...well...that makes me think you are hiding things and I will be even more wary. Take the time to write some things in the 'about' section of your profile, so that a Dominant can get a feeling about you from it.

8) Get a profile pic....it doesn't have to be one of you, but those dead heads are annoying and seem to indicate that the person is either too lazy to find a suitable profile pic or just doesn't give a damn about it....either way...its a black mark against your name in my book.

9) Do not whine and continually beg for attention if you get no response from the Dominant, its annoying and will make her even less likely to respond.

Play Rules

* Open and transparent communication is a requirement.

I am not interested in do me subs that require a lot of attention or the one session subs.

* Not into heavy degradation

* Will not deal with gender role reversal /Sissy/Cross-dressing/anal of any kind / medical play.

* I'm a lady that enjoys men so you will need to be active enough for my interests, with no health issues that will curtail my full enjoyment.

* Playmates must be self-sufficient and interested in sharing this journey over a longer term. Able to play on weekends, evening and attend events locally or out of town for extended periods of time.

* You want my time, make it - be willing to tackle some of the honey do list. This is not an option - This includes heavy house work/ yard work etc. Promises don't count (A broken promised are a lie) Only actions will be rewarded.

* Be mentally and physically healthy if on any kind of medication, must bring a full list and be aware of ALL possible side effects.

* You must not be allergic to cats.

A word of advice....do not be so desperate that you will just give yourself to just any one who will take you even thou you have only just met them, as you will probably end up regretting it.

Get to know the Domme/Dom BEFORE you offer yourself to them.
Find out what they will expect from you and tell them what you are prepared to offer them.
Tell them what you are hoping that you will get from the relationship.
Discuss any concerns you might have with them.
Make up a list of questions that you want to ask them so that you know you will be suited.
DO NOT harass a Domme/Dom, because it will just put them off you.
ASK PERMISSION before sending a Domme/Dom a friend request or messaging them.
DO NOT troll a their profile and harass their friends (they will tell them about it).

There are decent Domme/Dom out there, although they are few and far between, so if you find one, don't ruin it by being so needy that they unfriend you.

Easy Ways to Lose My Interest

1. Don’t be consistent in contacting me. Make me wonder when I will hear from you again.

2. Don’t reach out to me, not even to say hello. Make me reach out to you, so you can have your ego stroked.

3. Talk about yourself all the time. Don’t ask any questions about me, other than sexual ones.

4. Talk in circles, instead of being open and honest. Then, when I am forced to make assumptions or try to discern just what you are saying, you have total deniability.

5. Be unable to express your feelings verbally. Because really, I am so intuitive I can read your mind.

6. Don’t keep your word – or - Say one thing and do another. This is the opposite of ‘show me, don’t tell me’. I’m not impressed. If you say you will do something, do it. If you can’t keep your promises in the little things, how do I know you will in the big things.

7. String me along as you feign interest in me or in spending time with me. Or better yet, cancel at the last minute.

8. Troll on hook-up sites throughout the day, repeatedly, because we all know you’re just playing checkers on there, right?

9. Push and Pressure me.

10. Gain my trust, get me to open up and become vulnerable to you, and then criticize and judge the things I have shared with you. I have a theory that men who do this are more likely to become or are impotent.

10 Tips for Meeting People Online by DSMCouple

Based on some things I have read and seen recently, I thought it was worth while to share something I wrote and published many years ago. Feel free to share this with anyone out looking. All though I wrote it, I think the information is important that I am not limiting anyone from sharing the content with anyone else.

Tip #1: Not everyone online is who they say they are.

• Guard your heart and make sure they are who they say they are before you get emotionally involved.
• Many people online are fakes pretending to be into BDSM but are really just after cheap sex. They are so cheap they will invest a great deal of time to convince you that they are your perfect match, instead of going to the red light district and pay for it.
• Many men online are married, posing as single. It is not my place to judge the morality of married people searching, as long as they are open about the fact that they are married up front. I think the issue of whether it is right or wrong is up to them. The real issue is; were you given the ability to know what kind of relationship you are choosing to be a part. If you don’t know up front, the whole foundation of trust and honesty is lost from the beginning. Many times I have spoken to subs that have fallen in love with a married man. They started out thinking they were single and could have a real life with them. Later after they got emotionally attached they find out that this person is married. Then they decide to continue in the relationship because they are in “love”. Unfortunately, their whole relationship is based on a lie and they are now living a life of deception hiding their relationship from his spouse. In a Ds relationship trust is so important, and now the relationship has a huge flaw. I can guarantee that a relationship that starts with trust problems will turn from bad to worse. The married person’s family will always come first, so they end up making you live on the leftovers. And eventually that will begin to work away at the relationship. At some point, something will happen that forces them to make a choice between their secret and keeping their family, the family will almost always win. If you choose to enter into this, you need to be prepared for being left. DonÂ’t be fooled, women can do the same thing to men. But it is more common for married men to be online searching behind their spouses back.
• I spoke with an old friend of mine that I had lost contact with for a while. She of course was a sub. She went on to tell me about Master Michael, a man she was in love with. He claimed to be from Sweden and was moving to the US in a year. Amazingly, to her home town. He controlled her entire life, including preventing her from talking to other dominants including me. After about a year of talking to him online and on the phone she made the gruesome discovery that he actually was in India. He had no intentions of moving to the US. He lived in a British established community so his accent was misleading. He used photos from an actor on Broadway. She was emotional devastated by it all. She was preparing her home for him to move in with her. And to make it worse, he had spoken to her kids and developed relationships with them too. . I am sharing this because of how important this is for you to protect yourself against. I am not sharing this to embarrass her, which I am sure it does, but to use it to help prevent others from falling into the same trap. I know she does not want this to happen to anyone else.
• There are a ton of men out there posing as women. Fortunately, the truth usually comes out quickly. There are all kinds of reasons they are doing this. Many are sub men, but the number of Dominants out there that are gay or female is quite small compared to the number of Dominant males. The submissive desire in a man is just as strong as it is in women. And many times, a sub man is very much into humiliation, so it is not a stretch for them to serve a man as a woman. If you havenÂ’t noticed, many sub men serving are made to cross dress.
• This is not limited to men pretending to be something different. There are many women out there that are curious about the lifestyle and it excites them but they are too fearful to actually act on their desires. Or they too are married and donÂ’t think they can actually act on their desires for their family’s sake. So they find a Dom who is willing to play online and they get off on the idea of doing what they are told. The Dom thinks that he has found a sub and reality all he has is a phone sex partner at best.
• Web cams are very popular, however, now many are out there to get you to go on cam so they can watch you do things for them. Web cams can be used as good tools to prove you are who you say you are, but do not fall into the trap where it is one sided. Have them turn on their web cam too. If they ask you to go on cam but are not willing to go on cam themselves, just move on. Web cams are cheap and work with most computers that have been made in the last 7+ years. And if they have expectations of you doing it and they won’t, then obviously, they have something to hide. Don’t fall for the line, “I am Dom, and you will turn on your cam because I say so.” When they have proven they are who they say, and you agree to serve them, that is when they get to make demands, not until then. Just one other note, there are programs that the person watching you can use to record everything you are doing, so if you don’t want to risk having your little “voyeur session” displayed all over the internet, make sure the person on the other end deserves that trust.

Tip #2: Always meet them in a public place with lots of other people around.

• Tell them up front NO PLAY of any kind on the first date. Just vanilla discussions in a public place. Remember, those worth having will understand and wait! Those that are not worth having will try and push you to meet them privately and attempt to get you to go all the way on the first meeting. They will use lines like, “Who are you (sub) to tell a Master what to do or not do”.
• Never agree to leave with them to go somewhere private on the first date. After you meet it is going to be tempting to go with them back to their hotel or something. Wait! You have been looking forward to this meeting for a very long time, I am sure. However, this desire to meet and do something with this person creates a great deal of infatuation and clouds your judgment. So decide in advance that you will not play and stick to your plan.

Tip #3: Have a safe call lined up with someone you trust and knows what you are really doing.

• You should continue to arrange these calls for your first several meetings. This applies to Dominants, submissive, men, and women. Men can be setup up too, show up to a motel room to find the sub you have been talking to and her boyfriend hiding.
• You need to have someone who knows where you will be and you can make regular phone calls to while you are meeting. They also should make calls to you to verify you are ok. Never go anywhere or change plans without your safe call person being informed of the changes. When you finally decide to go to their hotel room or house, make sure you call and give them the address, hotel name, room number, etc. before you go. Also have a panic word lined up that you would use in normal speech and when you use that word that person knows to call for help. Make sure you do not use this word unless you intend on them calling. For example, "Great Time" could be the panic phrase. So you could then say, "I am having a great time" and that would allow for you to communicate to your safe call that things are not good and to call for help. And yet keep you safer while help is coming.
• If it is at all possible have someone go with you for the first meeting. I really think this is a MUST, but it can be hard to make happen with logistics.
• When you have the first meeting, ask to see their driver’s license, and write the information down. Give the information to your friend either via phone or in person if they are with you. It may seem rude to them, but if they are offended about you trying to protect yourself they are not worth being with. Those that care so much about hiding who they are, likely have something to hide. Those with something to hide will be cautious about even giving you their id. For example if they are married, they fear their wife or family finding out they are having an affair. Also, someone is not likely to do anything to really harm you if they know they will be caught, so the ID thing is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do to keep yourself safe.

Tip #4: Many claim to have more experience than they really do.

• It is too easy to get hurt even by accident doing things with someone that is inexperienced. A sub friend showed me some scars she had on her breast from playing with candle wax with an inexperienced Dom.
• If they claim to be an expert or well known in the BDSM community, then get references and check them to make sure they really know what they say they do.
• If they openly admit they do not know much about Ds, that is cool. Just plan on learning and experimenting together. But it is important that you get someone experienced to help you both. Study together, learn together, take your time, and go slow. It can be a very good thing to learn together and experiment together. There is nothing wrong with being a novice. The problems come in when someone pretends to know more than they really do.

Tip #5: ALWAYS USE SAFEWORDS.

• NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU DO NOT NEED THEM OR THAT YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THEM. NEVER EVER PLAY WITHOUT SAFEWORDS!!!!
• Use Red, Yellow and Green. Or something similar. It is a great way to safely learn each other as you learn your way.
o Red means STOP, LET ME OUT, and NOW.
o Yellow means slow down, softer, getting concerned, etc.
o Green means go harder, faster, etc.
• Some just use one safe word, “RED” and it means to stop what you’re doing and do something else. This works well for experienced couples, it is not as good as the 3 words for a newer person or couple that is learning to play or learning one another.
• If you do end up playing with a Dom who ignores your safe word ‒ PLAY ENDS! And you should never play with them again. They have violated your trust, and how can you trust them later when it counts? NO (Red) means NO, and that is the difference between “rough play” and rape.
• In time the two of you will get in sync and the need for safe words will diminish. But it is never a good idea to give them up completely.
• If you play with a gag, use an alternative signal to communicate safe words with. Like making a fist means RED. However, a fist may not work for many because some make fists when they tense up. Maybe 3 fast taps will work. The most important issue is that you have something in place to communicate the safe word(s).
• Communication, Communication, Communication…. Talk about what is going to happen before you play. Talk about your expectations of one another. And stick to the plan!

Tip #6: Avoid more extreme activities on your first few play dates.

• Communication and getting to know one another is an important part of any Ds relationship. It is important that you build trust. Everyone is different, so it is best to let each other be themselves and invest the time learning each other’s desires, needs, turn on’s, etc. Extreme activities in the beginning do not help with that growth in trust. This is a key example of too much too fast.
• I would never recommend that you use a gag on your first several meetings. It is important to use safe words, and gags limit this greatly.
• When you start out do without bondage or limit it. If you do bondage, use more gentle restraints. Or restraints that can easily be escaped from such as Velcro instead or real locks or cuffs. This will help build trust and give similar sensations as heavy restraints to the sub. When the trust is fully there, then the heavy restraints will be much more effective.

Tip #7: Know the basic Red Flags from online profiles.

• If the picture of them looks too good to be true…. Well, simply it isn’t true. How many models are really into a BDSM? It isn’t as many as there are photos of them stolen and then used to fraud others.
• If they only want online sessions to start. Prepaid cell phones are cheap. So it is not that hard to have a phone to use to call someone and talk and still protect their privacy and safety. And a single man really has what real concerns about giving out his home number? Unless they are married… I am not endorsing the phone call for phone sex, but to be used as a way to help verify they are who they say they are.
• Those that demand you be fit. Or make comments like “How can I submit to a man who does not have discipline over themselves” (regarding weight) are most likely only into finding sex. Just note their profiles, they put all the effort into making sure no one is overweight, but don’t say anything about being a felon, child molester, etc. So I guess to them it is ok if you abuse children as long as you are not overweight. Anyone who really wants this lifestyle and makes those kinds of statements is searching for perfection. No Dominant or submissive is perfect. So obviously when they are saying that weight is a deal breaker, they are saying the most important character flaw to them is your weight. Do you really want someone with such shallow values? However, if all you want is sex and are not over weight, they may be a good option for you.
• Descriptions that do not add up. I also find it funny when they say in their profile they are a red head, but their hair is jet black. Or they are 5’€�10” and only 90 pounds. Or slim but have 38DD bra size. Or the woman in the picture is around 40 but it says they are 25. These are all signs of a man posing as a woman or a foreigner who doesnÂ’t really understand English measurements.
• People that just have a couple of “perfect” pictures to share. Those that deny sharing their photos are a hard to judge. There are so many “picture collectors” that have burned people, that it makes it hard for people to be open and share their picture. However, many of those refusing to share photos are foreign men without any photos to share. One thing I have done to help protect my photos from being stolen is to have a hand written note in the photo with my screen name on it. Or have text added to it over the “sweet spots” with a picture editor. This is very difficult to fake or steel. Also, it is a good way to have someone you are talking to verify they are who they say they are. Have them take a picture of themselves holding a hand written note with something you tell them to write on it, like their screen name. They can’t steel that picture from anywhere. However, NEVER put their screen name or similar on a hand written note and take a picture of yourself and give it to them. If you do you just gave them all they need to impersonate you under their screen name. So think about what it is you are sharing before you share. Some people need to be very discreet. They are prominent in the community, or job, or have an Exâ€�spouse that would love use the lifestyle against them to take custody of their kids. So do not mistake, discretion for dishonesty.
• Someone who is unwilling or is offended by you asking for proof. Rest assured they are fakes or are hiding something. But be careful your requests are fair and reasonable. Judging someone as a fake because they will not take a nude photo of themselves and send it to you is just plain stupid. And, don’t be offended if someone asks you to do something to help prove you are who you say you are. It is funny how many want the other person to prove they are who they say, but are not willing to offer the same courtesy in return.
• If they claim you will be kept naked all the time when you live with them. Clearly, they have no idea what real BDSM life is like. There is too much vanilla in everyone’s life to do that. Work, Family, Neighbors, etc.

Tip #7: Discretion

• You have to maintain balance between your vanilla life and your Ds life. Discretion is important. So always be careful not to cross the line. When it is vanilla time keep it vanilla. Do not do things like, flash people in your neighborhood where people will know you. And if the Dom youÂ’re talking to wants you to expose yourself to your family or friends for everyone to know your inner kink, then do not pursue a relationship with them. They are not looking out for your personal interests, but either wants to make you more dependent on them by destroying your relationships with everyone else. Or they have some desire to humiliate you in ways that can truly harm your future. You could lose custody of your kids, your job, whateverÂ…

Tip #8: Hook up with your local BDSM community

• Get involved with your local BDSM community. It is always good to have people around you that you can do reality checks with. In addition, they can help you avoid going down a truly painful path. They may know the person that is pursuing you, the bad side or they may know the good as well. For that matter, you just might find what youÂ’re looking for at one of their meetings. It is also a great place to find people to do safe calls with.

Tip #9: Never be afraid to ask someone experienced for advice or help.

• There is no such thing as a dumb question.

Tip #10: BE SAFE, BE SANE, AND HAVE CONSENTUAL FUN!!!!!

Many of the notes and articles have been removed from this journal.

They date from parts of 2013 to 2007.

If you missed them or would like a copy of past item they will be available for sale in EBOOK form, coming through a distributor soon.

I am posting this for several reasons.

 1. I have heard that many ppl see me as untouchable or unavailable to some that is true.
2. Patience is one of my virtues but I wont play games.
3. I would like a loyal playmate for some fun...not that I don't have a lot of fun topping my friends, who I adore.
4. But something is missing.
5. If you know me, you know I'm honest and direct...so here it is. I speak my mind, I do not tolerate lies.
6. I'm tired of committing to ppl who aren't who they portray....and so collars or marriage" is not what I'm looking for.
7. I want a continual, casual, committed, honest, respectful, hopefully ongoing, Sub/Switch/playful dom, playmate/lover.

 Criteria: What I'm looking for.

*Age I would prefer over 35.  Be mentally and physically healthy if on prescription medication must bring a full list and be aware of ALL side effects.
*You must have a Job and Cell phone

*You must not have a criminal record of any kind.(we will check)
*You must a suitable means of transportation we will not taxi you in any way.
*You must be able to travel to me at your own cost.
*You must be independent and able to take care of yourself and know your limits.
*Prefer single/separated/widower/divorced ....or have an aware partner that we will talk to face to face.
*You must be hygienic, no heavy perfumes, body scents etc

Enjoy men in uniform/suit/ clean well fitting jeans and shirt.

Play and limits will be discussed when we chat.

My mate have strict rules that we follow when playing with others.

I have been in the scene for many years I have seen changes that, if I am totally honest, I am finding very hard to accept and deal with.

Yes I may get negative responses that is not important to me and I don’t really care if I do it is something I feel, I need to address.

Let me explain something to the ones who don’t understand what protocols etiquette is?

It means, when you serve a Mistress/Master you do so with your whole being, you do it whole heartedly and most importantly, do it because you want to please your Mistress/Master and not for your own selfish ends.

You do it because you are a genuine submissive, who wants nothing more than to please their Mistress/Master and give them your soul heart and be there for them to serve to the best of your ability.

Her/His rules should be abided by, and your loyalty and trust should never be doubted. You should always respect your Mistress/Masters decisions since you have chosen this life and as a submissive it is your role to please your Mistress/Master by diligently performing the duties asked of you.

Honesty, does this really exist? I am seriously beginning to doubt it, but in this lifestyle it is something which should be paramount in any D/s relationship.

Every Mistress/Master is different when setting the rules for their subs/slaves.

I Myself, and many others I know, are what some might call “Old School” and was taught the traditional ways of BDSM.
Now, some of you may not be aware of what the phrase “Old School” refers to so allow me to elaborate.

If a Master or Mistress gives you an instruction and you are uncertain what is expected of you…ask!!! If you genuinely do not understand then I will clarify exactly what it is I wish of you and possibly ask you to repeat the task back to me so that I am sure you understand fully.

“Old School” also teaches that slaves and submissives should obey their Mistress/Master and whatever was said was accepted by the slave or submissive and they obeyed all the rules and instructions given to them. Sadly, this is something which seems to be disappearing far too quickly.

“Old School” also means accepted rules of scene etiquette which might include

1. Respecting and not touching or attempting to interfere with that which does not belong to you, and this would apply to equipment as well as slaves and submissives.

2. If people are playing at clubs, do not intrude upon their play space unless invited to join in the play.

3. Nudity at clubs is common place but just because someone is showing flesh, it does not mean that you have an open invitation to touch regardless of whether the person is Dominant or submissive.

4. Who a Mistress/Master may have in their stable of submissives is their choice and it is not your place to tell them who they should or should not have, if the Dominant is happy with the choices that they have made then your job is to effectively mind your own damn business and get on with your own lives.

These four items are not by any means the only breaches of scene etiquette that seem to be on the increase these days and I would invite others to add other examples based upon their own experiences.

During my time in the scene, I and many other Mistresses receive messages every day from slaves and subs who say they wish to serve a Mistress and when I ask them what I feel is a very simple question such as ;

What can you do to make my life easier?

They will usually spin off the usual bullshit such as;
“I will do anything to serve yes really as longs as My cock is touched and I can cum within sessions and you play with me all the time and if you don’t play with me then I will look else where because my needs are not met.

Now!!! “YOUR NEEDS” are not met lets take a step back shall we
As the Mistress/Master it is your role to serve ME, your needs are second to mine.

If you prove yourself worthy by diligently performing the duties I set you then I will in return protect and nurture you and guide you to becoming the slave/submissive who I would be proud to call mine but should you fail me…you will be history….END OF !!!
So taking Mistress out for lunch once in a while, buying a surprise gift to show your appreciation of the time and effort we have put into your training will always be welcome as will performing the chores set for you, all of which would please us and make our life easier.

This does not mean you have to be a 24/7. On the contrary, it means that when you are with your owners look after them as you should if they don’t feel like playing then massage their feet or offer something to make them feel better or just sit and chat or just a hug we are human after all.

Lately, all I have seen in this community and scene is, “what can I get out of this? Oh let me see can I have a cheap thrill can I fuck the Mistress can she play with my cock can I lick her pussy can I have some sexual kick out of this.”

“Oh I don’t want to call you Mistress!!!” Oh really why is that then? I have earned that title and you will call me Mistress or Ma’am or what ever I choose you to call me this is out of respect is it not?
I see slaves wanting sexual favours for their own gratification, I see slaves not even taken their Mistress out even for a simple meal or just a simple gift it’s all about play and if they don’t get it they seek others to fulfil there sexual needs and in my view this is not how it is meant to be.

Why has this lifestyle that I love changed so much for the worse?
It is changing more and more and the old etiquette is going and it is being replaced by sex and own selfish self gain.

Where have the genuine slaves gone, and by genuine I mean the real ones who want to serve because they want to, not because they get their cock hard.

So the question is as follows.

ARE THEIR ANY GENUINE SUBMISSIVES OR SLAVES WHO SINCERELY WANT TO SERVE A MISTRESS, AND NOT THINK ABOUT THEIR SMALL BRAINS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS?

I AM TAKEN A BREAK THE SCENE AND ONLY ATTENDING WHEN I DECIDE TO AND WILL BE MORE IN PRIVATE PLAY

Posted with permission from The Painter

To my Lady
As the years pass I have come to realize there is quite simply no one better in my opinion. The reason I say that is you have your heart in the right place. What differentiates you and makes you special to me was the care that you took to try and get to know me. And with every second that passed by I liked you even more.  I was happy with all those 14 years I spent with you. Getting to know you was a joy in itself. You don't demand respect, you command it. You really are charming, smart, elegant , beautiful and a whole lot more to me what I love about you is I know your heart is in the right place.
I cherished every moment I spent with you. And while I was with you, I can happily say I didn't even feel tempted by another. You really are a wonderful person. I loved you and will always cherish every moment of our friendship together. But like every happy story there is a sad ending. I can't say I'm sorry it ended as the ending was a beginning of my new life, my marriage to my new lady and the fact we're still good friend is a testament to the bond of friendship we have. A bond of trust, and love. I am honored to have been in a D/s relationship with you and I'm proud to have you as my friend.
Happy Birthday and best wish for you and any future playmate.

Love The Painter your loyal submissive 1990-2004

A friend of mine said the following and I agree:

I always admire subs and slaves, because it takes a lot of strength and conviction to do that :) It seems to me that our natural human instinct is survival of the fittest, which seems to fit the dominant better, but it requires more effort to go against that and be a sub or slave than go with it and be dominant. I know that dominants have great strength and power and will, but its not easy to be a sub/slave, so this is an applaud to all those who are subs/slaves :)

Dominants aren't babysitters.

I have read a lot about the responsibilities of Dominants and Tops, and the needs of bottoms and subs. They were really good writings, so I don't want this to be construed as a rebuttal, but I am getting increasingly irritated that this shit all gets thrown onto one side when all relationships are partnerships, regardless of the dynamics of them.

Yes, Doms should be consistent. Subs should be consistent as well. If you commit to something, follow through.

Yes, Dominants should be honest. We can be honest too. Subs can cheat and manipulate. True story.

Yes, Dominants should try to honor and meet the needs of their subs. Know what makes that easier? When those needs are expressed and articulated. And we can try to meet needs too.

Dominants shouldn't violate boundaries. Which is easy if those boundaries are expressed and explained.

I'm a little bit sick of this "Respect me!" message coming from the right side of the slash. Respect is earned. Yes, we all have the right to our personal space and limits being honored, but in my opinion if you want someone to value you or commit to you in some way, you've got to do something worthy of that commitment. Want someone to be honest with you? Be a person who is easy to talk to. Want trust? Don't act like a shithead and eventually people will trust you. Want praise and appreciation? Do something of value.

I'm not saying that Dominants don't have a responsibility, because they definitely do, but we ALL have responsibilities. Because that's what it means to be an adult.