All i feel now is pain and the sense of betrayal.  I will be leaving this sight and not returning I wish all well in the hunt for something real through the  internet.

its already a long night. I eye my bed and ponder.  though I have been told to try and sleep . I am actually scared of the attempt.  it is now official He is gone. and the realization has hit with a vengence.  I know i can keep in touch witht he phone the  internet and   so we wont really be that far away just a call .. but I have grown accustomed to curling up against his chest and sleeping. knowing should dreams come He is there to keep them away.  I will adjust. but tonight i feel a bit lost.

He leaves for home in about 18 hours. I keep my eyes open and My heart open. I am going to miss Him a great deal. but I keep the mantra in place I will follow all the rules He has placed for Me I will do the best I can at everything I attempt and I will see him  one day soon.

My heart hurts.

My eyes cry

My  breath hurts in my chest

My mind  hollers beg him to stay

My suffering is only temporary

One day the clouds break

The sun will return

and my dreams will come true.

 till then I breathe, I pray, I dream, I wait, the baited breath that  will fall again to his ears as He commands KNeel MINE.

nearly 4 am and cant sleep ..   ponders the meds in my desk  maybe i should  grab a sleep aide.   I spent time with him. and I fear so many times that  fall short in showing him Jus thow much I cherish every moment  he has to share.  I know  one day soon there will not be these nights where he can stop over  have dinner and return home a few blocks away.   I try and ignore the future and  live for the today and now.

Some days i feel like i wish I could snap my fingers  and repair all that is wrong with me and  just be normal and perfect.  But perfection is a fallicy  as to each person perfection is something else.

But i wonder  every now and again what it would be like to  run a mile, or even spend the day at the park on my feet  and not  be hobbling at the end of the day.  I know every pain, every adversity is a test of my strength and  will.  I will keep pushing forward.

 I find great pleasure in knowing those that have  the ability to  move with ease  never  trip over thier  own feet. find a need to belittle others to boost their own egos..  funny i have long accepted who and what i am and only wonder what it would be like to not be disabled for a day or two. 

but those that have their physical "perfection"  go after someone elses flaws.  Sounds so much like the wicked  step mother crying mirror Mirror on the wall  who's the fairest of them  all after applying the cake makeup of the theater to hide what was gifted by their goddess.  in trying to hide it only shows the aging flesh that  fails more with every single day....

 Beauty is only skin deep when your heart is cold as ice and your soul blacker then the darkest night.  I would rather shine a beacon of delight from within than  see my "beauty die a little every day"

 So i know i have some handicaps.  I know i have roads to pass, challanges to best. and I know I will do it and win every battle i am placed in.. Because i have the strength of will and the purity of love to  strengthen  my  fight..

 My Master every day I am ever greatful for you in my life.  And though the world  will seperate us  physically one day.  I will  always  be glad for every minute  i had..  as i have learned to be strong in my submission. I have learned that communication is possible. I have found My  place at your feet and at Your side. I do not fear either.   That is enough. for Now.   Ich Lieben Sie mein Meister and Freund.

my Master such a wicked man. so  Loving so tormenting. so Giving and caring.  I could go on and on about the ability he has to inflict pain or the depths of the pleasure we share. but seee that is for us alone to share not to share with the world  in detail.. That makes it more like Porn then an actual relationship.

 i feel so good lately my heart  is happy i see my Master often.  and i  am lucky enough he can stay the night with me.  its strange on the nights he is not here i wake up and  stroke the bed.. knowing that he was there recently. i hate to remove the sheets to wash them as it removes the hinting of his scent left behind.   OH  goddess bless i am so sappy today..    Lov eyou my MAster.

 Your proud beast in servitude. 

 Your dragnfly

 Friday night my Sir and I were on a beach. the night was  dark as pitch. Yet the  glow form the street light, over the dunes allowed  us to see the Magesty of the sees power. the Sight of the waves  crashing, caressing, and slipping, across the sand as they retreated away pure silver across a blackened sea.  Or much like the sensations of Sirs instruments of pained extasy. the crash, slide, retreat,  to only repeat itself till you are soaring and his sadistic smile of puure pleasure  burns into your mind.

 it was one of the most increadible nights of my entire life.  we talked about nonsense unimportant things just talking  in cadance withthe waves.  but that etched away  to silence His arms wrapped around me His strong fingers at my neck and  waist. it was as if time stood still for a few moments.  the sound of heartbeats the crash of waves and the spark of fingers drawing across the sand.

 the beach seemed to stretch into infinity.  north and south the waterwent on without end sliding right into the velveteeen sky like silk and velvet sliding across the other.

 His touch light  sandpaper over heightened sensitive skin. the  low  timber of his voice a lovers caress in itself. His laughter at my antics amazing.

If i could have bottled that hours time  and saved it to play over and over and over I would.  Nothing meant more to me then my MAster  enjoying my rushes at the kiss of cool ocean  water over my feet ankles and calves.   the Way his Kiss stole away my breath. the feel of His hand in mine. I cant find true words to describe the beauty of that night.  or the depth of the meaning to me.  I thank You my Master for such a gift.

 i  see it in my minds eye and become breatheless all over agan.

I saw an Image today. One that moved me to post here this afternoon.  to all those that have Wronged me and those I love.  I forgive you.  I do not ask forgivness for being honest or true to myself.  However i do offer forgiveness to those that  find a need to belittle or  claim untruths about mysef or Anyone i love.  For simply to forgive is to free me fromthe power of rage hurt and anger.

  Blessed be to You ladies that  well you know who you are and may the goddess bless your lives with joy. because She blesses Mine every day.

 this post ios not for a new friend that has Emerged through the dark days.  as we have our own   relationship but all those that find a need to hold ont o the past and continue to cast disparaging remarks or lies.

 I move forward in Serving my MAster my friend and Lover  and those that are dark road blocks of the past are now only that past and will no longer  affect me or my outlook.

its friday.. The weekend streches  before me  with  woderful things.   Going to lunch with a new friend having  Haven with my friends and family.  off to a play party with people I  like and respect.. Yep and all that with Master. what could be better.

 i find myself missing him today a great deal.  not spoken with him  face to face since wednesday i had gotten used to seeing him at least three times a week.  and this week its been once.

 call it an addiction call it love call it me being sappy .. just Miss his eyes his face his joys and pleasures.  sorrows and angers. though I hate him being mad at me.  so i try very hard to avoid that .

so many people refer to him as a sexual god.. Funny he is just a god in his own right.  ever look every touch every stroke of his fingers makes me  shiver wildly  inside and what to jump up and down and holler.  wow what good fortune  have i given to receive this   from such a all the way around handsome man.

 dont know but i have decided doing nice things for others will keep hapening cause well i had to have done something right  to be owned by him.

 I  have a wondering.   And its probably silly. But why the hell is it that pretty women.   think they are entitield to everything they want, then claim to be a submissive.  Damn fairy princess  crap. 

I always thought that being a submissive  meant you wanted your Master or Mistress  pleased not your own self worth bolstered.

 I enjoy My Masters pleasure it gives me great joy in Knowing i was able to  give him pleasure. Even if its as silly as grabbing a pop for him. Or making dinner.  yet these girls or boys that think oh look at me i am hot i can have anyone I want.   forget the basic rule that a submissive is only as good as his or her actions and behavious to please their Master, top, Daddy, dom.

 guess what PRETTY LOOKS and SEXY bodies  FAIL YOU.. one Day  You will be all alone and  not even realizing your  pretty face that got  you so much now will get you nothing. and you are too cold and selfish to understand why you are alone.

 Today i find myself wondering.  What is it that makes me tick.  some strange dreams that seem to draw forth the past in such a way i wonder of my  previous lives.. I really need to master this PLR thing so i cang et a damn handle on my mind and thoughts.

 but as the sun rises My mind drifts towards Him.. his day how work is treating him.  I could get used to  tending his needs for the day every single day.  that is a bit  scarey.

i love listneing to his voice the way he speaks. in any accent. its amazing his talent with his voice.  strange indeed that i could just listen to him and Our friends talk and sit at his feet quietly and feel his fingers dance through my hair.

 yet, there are days that my Domme side comes forth and in that time frame i take no shit from anyone.  My BS radar is always on and i dont  suffer fools, assholes, princesses, or those that think they know everything lightly.

 Liars,  Fakes,  Children in adult bodies MOVE the hell on.  I dont put up with subby princesses, or those that think its ok to constantly test, yell at,  or call his or her top gently.  I keep My place because he asks it of me.  However, i will only hold my tongue for so long. Those out there that   think I am easy to push around will find out PDQ that  I am the worst bitch You will ever meet.

 I am protective of those I love .. Yes I am HIS SLut, submissive,   and hungry whore, when its appropriate but I am not  always a submissive. I am his Submissive there is a  Very very  big difference.

 as I told a Young man this weekend I may be a submissive but I am not YOUR  submissive.  DO not test me or my patience.  You will find the Domme side is not so easy to  put up with.

I have neglected this portion of my  profile much thought and little to say..  I know many people think because when i  speak on  My Master to others because i keep any fault sto myself i am a yes woman without the spinal or testicular fortitude to  speak the truth.. Funny thing is that My Sir's faults are his to expound on not mine.

 Now, if i  dont like something He does I speak with him privately and sometimes heatedly. but the rest of the world will never hear the faults of my sir From my lips why. Its none of your damn business.  IF he wants to share then that is His choice NOT MINE!

 Having said that and gotten it off my chest No submissive should ever spill out the darker sides of her sir  to the world unless there is Help needed.  Now that is my take on this.  and Others may Dissagree. And you are more then welcome to your opinion.  As, if everyone thought the same way what a boring life we would lead.  Yet, dont make assumptions about my character or  ideals because of something you may or may not have read written by my hand.  Often times you will be dead wrong. as I have no desire to let strangers in the darkness that is my mind.

 so the written word is often misleading.  As my mother always said believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see!!!!  I have modified this  as I let more people into my inner circle.  I still tend to be caious. but those that i care about i belive them.  As long as i have no reason to doubt the words spoken.

 Goddess grant me the  serenity to  accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can

 and  Wisdom to know the Diffence.

I had a great weekend.  Lammas festival.  Good food Good Friends and time spent with My Master.  Though  i learned a valuable lesson to much evan williams is a very bad thing.

 I enjoyed being able to serve him his  food  and hunt drinks for him.  Yet he also seemed to have his own space which was fine with me.   A new Experience this weekend he pulled me into his lap and struck an area, that up until  this weekend was a definately no no zone.  but the  depth of the pain delivered with  much lighter blows sent my spiraling towards that beloved Subspace. Yet his pleasure and joy in  seeing me accept it  and not panic right off the bat was more priceless to me then anything.

I love my Sir With every fiber of my being.

 I often say I love him more then the rose loves the sun.  but to be honest its more then the rose loves the sun, More then  the tides need the moon to flow, and the earth needs the sun to rotate.

 He is my sun moon and stars. Without the light of his guidance and pleasure  my world would indeed be  a dark ugly place.  but one smile  on his lips, one  twinkle in those so intense eyes and my heart goes to flying into the atmosphere.   Since i am tired  i find myself waxing poetic and being silly.   so i close for now with the joy in knowing i am so fully owned and bound within his command that  life's  rollar coaster has all the safety features to make the ride a hell of a ride.  With  belly flips and Zero gravity hills but  the security to know you will never go flying off the rails.