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Here's the thing...if you send me a message you have a 50/50 chance that I'll respond.
If you really don't want a response make sure the picture that is attached to the email is of your cock.
I don't think I should have to apologize, but I will. I am sorry but I am not at all turned on by pictures of your cock! It doesn't impress me that you are comfortable enough to put that picture out there or comfortable enough to send it to a random stranger.
I am not that big a prude and I know some people are quite turned on by those photos. I am not one of those.
I am a shallow person who wants to see a persons face. To see if I am attracted to that face because I'm pretty danged sure that that is what I would be looking at 99% of the time. I have to be able to look at you and feel attraction to you; not your anatomy.
Anyways that's all I had to say today. Sorry if this has offended anyone! |
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Just in case anyone was mistaken, in my photos there is a picture of a great whipping I had one time. It is of my back, not my ass. I don't believe I have to post pictures that show my ass; at least in this moment I don't. Doesn't mean I havn't had pictures up like that before. But at 35 I have a little bit more of a head on my shoulders then I did a decade ago when I was comfortable putting it all out there.
I'm not coming down on anyone for what they put out there, just saying that for me personally it isn't in MY best interests to put anything more out there than I have at this moment.
And to the jackass who occasionally pops up into my email...yes, I am still here; yes I am still unavailable to you and I'm sorry that my rejection means that I'm special enough to you that you have to send me emails trying to degrade and humilate me. Unfortunatly you wasted your time because all I did was shake my head and laugh; read your profile and laugh again. Thank you for the entertainment and you are most welcome for the attention you have been paid by me in my own blog let's call it even and you can move on now ;)
Ahhh the joys of life are calling...have a great one Aall. |
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So very disillusioned by almost everything I've seen on this site. Or maybe it's just that I've gotten older. Gotten to a place in my life where I can spot the bullshit from the real thing.
As such, I think after being on this site for as long as I have...in a few days I'll be removing myself from here.
I'm not strong enough to deal with the people on here who feel that I am not who I say I am, or whatever they all say because it runs a long gambit. But personally I don't have the ability to just let it roll off my back so just like the rest of collarme, I'll be leaving and hopefully the next person who joins this site has a lot better time of it then I did. |
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It's nice to stop back here and see that people are still viewing my profile. Not so nice that one of those people is 100% psycho, but hey not everyone can be sane...i guess lol.
Decided that I am open to finding that person who brings more to my life. Not sure how I'm going to proceed, but I am at least going to be open to it.
Now to make sure they are age and location appropriate. Ahhh the joys of joining the ranks of all those looking. |
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What I want I can never have. At least not until my child is old enough to be on her own. It makes me kind of sad this realization, but for the greater good I will just keep watching the trainwrecks on here, envying those who have the real deal, and laughing at those who think they have half a clue.
I can't see any way to be owned because of my child. She has to come first! Owners, Dominants, Masters, Wankers...none of them want to be second. Be told hold on the kiddo needs something.
How do you reconcile yourself to the fact that you will only be able to have vanilla relationships and what you really want and need is unattainable...maybe forever?
I love my child fiercely, I just sometimes wish I could have what is missing in my life. |
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The absolute best thing about being me is that I know how to make an impression. I make such an impression on some people that when their crazy acts up the first person they run to is me.
Thank you again so very much for your continued adoration and pure unadulterated worship of me.
I guess this is how a Dom/me feels with their pets.
Think I'll enjoy it for a bit lol. |
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Is it wrong to point and laugh at all the velcro collars that are out there. Is it wrong to point and laugh at the girls who have surgically altered their necks to have velcro put in? Is it wrong to point and laugh at the fact that while your so busy with the velcro lol someone else is having velcro put around their neck at the same time lol....Ooo i truly truly LOVE the domhoppers out there...they are sooo entertaining...thank god free entertainment is back! |
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Sometimes i give people exactly what they want. And since Ive been threatened with being called out on here I figured I'd bring it up first lol.
Some silly little girl thinks some rather strange things about me and my ex. The problem is that when you threaten to call a person out, no matter where it is, you risk your dirty secrets being let out too.
So I'm kind of hoping that the stupid girl calls me out so I can post the nicest lil real life tidbit that I know about her. It must be a real pain in the ass to have to go get your picture taken every year and tell the authorities where you live.
And thats all i have to say about that!
In other things, I am still enjoying just browsing through the profiles and journals. When I said that my first priority would be my child, thats what it is.
I really do wish that I could find a relationship, but to be honest, to be the slave that I am destined to be, I can't have small children.
Small children take up so much time and energy that it's hard to figure out how to make Yours number 1.
Until I can figure that out I'm still here, I'm still looking, but I'm not looking for the purpose of finding someone. I am still not willing to relocate, Im still not willing to get over my ageism(sp), and Im still not willing to settle for what is 2nd best.
Ultimately I will have a One in my life. When I do I will be able to devote the amount of time required to be the best slave I can be.
Until then, Ill enjoy my life and the stupidity of others. |
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You know what sucks? What sucks is seeing that there are all kinds of Dom's out there, and some even have caught my eye, but they are still unreachable.
Not because I'm afraid to approach them. Not because I'm afraid of rejection. But because of the fact that I am not available, truly the way one should be available.
No, I'm not owned and feeling like I'm missing something. No, I'm not searching for a way out.
I have adult real outside responsibilities. I have a child. Who I love with all my heart. Because of her, I can not be selfish and try to find what makes my heart sing.
I want to serve, submit, play, and learn/grow all those nice wonderful things. BUT I am not at a place in my life where I can offer myself completely because of my child.
Yes, it would be wonderful to meet that man. But I can't take those kinds of chances. I have to be real and responsible.
I want all kinds of things, but I think I'll continue living vicariously through the real, the ugly, and the flat out fakeness that is on this site.
I love my girl and one day she will be old enough for me to concentrate on me. I think she deserves mommy for a bit more than 4 years, I'm thinking that I've got a good long time before I can truly look.
Please dear god let the real ones who interest me still be around and available lol or at least put some replacements out there lol
Ahhh responsibility! |
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Sitting here minding my own business. Playing a lot of Bejeweled. Watching Next Generation.
Totally loving the fact that I didn't miss it on SyFy because they usually run more than one espisode.
Then it happened! When the hell did Next Generation get kinky?
Im watching some episode with Data and his brother and he can give him feelings or take them away.
TOTAL M/s exchange is had between them.
Now I know Ive seen this episode before. BUT I never saw the episode the way I saw it tonight lol.
Maaan I must really really be in need of some playtime or something lol. Simple things bring back the need to submit, serve, and please. And sometimes from the strangest place.
I swear I do not remember Next Generation being kinky lol |
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I have figured out that this is soo not the place to find a Dom. This is not one of those oo all are fake, all are this or that journals.
It's just trial and error. I am not bitter nor will my search end. I will just do what many subs do, find what they can find in the vanilla world and try to convert lol.
Seriously...this place is so full of whatever that for me, I don't think I want to pick and choose from the few people who are in my state. I still am not looking to relocate, so no need to try other states. Also anyone who can just up and relocate to my are, to be honest, scares me! How can you just pick up and move like that? Something must not be right because most people I know by this age are established in their area and the only ones who can really cant offer anything.
So I'm going to continue enjoying all the journals that I read. Thats what Ive been doig for a bit now anyways.
Why fix what isnt broken. |
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Is there a way to politely ask someone What the fuck is wrong with your penis? Without being way rude about it? I mean if you put pictures of your penis up then you're inviting questions, views, opinions right?
This is why I don't go and view the photos. I really dont like being assaulted by cock pics, but this one really made me go...damn can i make it bigger so i can see whats up with that lol...
Reason 2138 that being single is a good thing...no strange cocks to shudder over lol |
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Happy New Year Everyone! In my new year I will not be looking for anything that isn't already at my fingertips.
I will take it as it comes. I will take it as it goes. And through it all I will remain true to myself and what i hold near and dear.
Ill continue to wade through this life with my head held high, with the love i share with my family and friends.
I will enjoy my new year because it hasnt been written yet and I look forward to writing my year! |
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I wonder if anyone realizes that I expect to serve before any fucking takes place.
I also figure that there will be punishment as well before any fucking takes place.
I figure there are many things that will take place before the fucking!
Anyone can fuck. No im not going to go into i make love, because we all fuck! So No don't expect to be fucking the dog shit out of me within the first month, if not longer depending on how "good" you are at understanding what i'm looking for in the lifestyle.
Which is why NO FUCKING right away. I know that will drive everyone away who even thought they had an interest. BUT seriously anyone can fuck. I want to serve and learn, and be with someone who understands that sex isnt the only thing.
That the actual mental stimulation, training process, getting to know one another takes a minute.
Maybe i have issues, but damn it, I want to serve and be used like everyone else, but i don't want to just be the fuck toy. Life is way more than just fucking! |
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Sometimes there are good surprises! |
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Looking at pictures and reading journal entries the one thing that struck me is the only people who arent getting ragged on as being fake are us fatties lol.
How funny is that! I mean it is concievable that someone in an attempt to find a real person uses pictures where the person isnt all that.
I dont know, Im just saying its an observation ive had.
Like noone ever puts up bad pics thats a fake person. The more horrific the picture the more real the person. Hmmm maybe reality isnt what real Dom/me's want. They want to just bitch and moan about the pretty ones being fake.
LOL god i sound bitter dont i? Truthfully, I'm not. Im just pulling shit out of my ass because Im bored at home alone, and chasing the kid back to bed is not so much fun lol
So here I sit spewing crap to amuse myself lol.
Have a merry christmas everyone. Yes there is someone out there for all of us....i think mine is buried at the bottom under a wannabe lol |
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Is there a Santa looking for a naughty elf? I think I may qualify as the naughty elf! LOL Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it. May we all find what we're looking for under the tree! |
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girl goes into the drycleaners with a dress says 'what time should i be back?' man a bit deaf asks 'come again?' she says"no this time its yogurt" |
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Tonight is one of those nights that you wish you had someone waiting for you in bed.
Someone to curl up next to. Talk to. Be sweet and salty with.
Just spending time with a person and not being alone.
I think im just having withdrawls from not going out on Friday night lol. Though the end of Friday night doesnt see me in an occupied bed lol. |
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Why does it seem that the Dominants on here want mindless zombies? Any sign of spunk, or sassyness is a sign of being a fake, wannabe, game player. They dont seem to like it when a woman who is strong professes their submissivness.
Or when we respond to messages the way we would to anyone. Seriously folks, if someone answers you like your just a regular ol joe. Thats your chance to get to know that person. Thats your chance to subtly start sliding your dominance in.
You know, like a sneek attack. You have to meet the real person, the person the rest of the world sees first. Because at some point that is the person you are going to be with.
Maybe im just a lil strange like that. Id rather meet the man/woman, not their Dominance. To have a real lifestyle relationship it does involve a whole lot of vanilla situations. And you need to figure out if thats a person who you can deal with, be with, mold.
Anyways im just rambling about a whole lot of nothing, makes sense to me. Hope it does to you. |
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I have figured out why i dont have a Dom and never will roflmao! Its because i refuse to part with my itty bitty paychecks and take away from my 3 yr olds mouth.
I dont own lingerie. I cant afford 50 to 200 dollars for corsets and stockings. I own 2 pairs of shoes with any type of heel on them. Again i cant afford shoes that will only be worn as part of a "costume"
I also dont expect anyone to offer to buy them for me. I expect that if i am to ever start a lingerie/shoe collection it will be on my own.
Ive figured it out...im not costumable! |
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Heres to everyone having a safe and happy holiday weekend!
Im looking forward to good food, good drinks, good ol fashioned family fights, and of course going and cutting down the christmas tree! Fuck the whitehouse's holiday tree...its a christmas tree and were getting one!
All the best to everyone.
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Ohhhhh a dominant is sooo sick of hearing about how submissive/slaves arent doormats. Oooo so sick of how we are sooo not subservient enough.
Well you know what?? I agree with the ladies who are saying FUCK OFF!!
You know if your serious about finding someone you start local. Who really is capable of just relocating. And who wouldnt be afraid of a person who can relocate immediately. Obviously they have something wrong.
Well i know ive been through my local people. For the most part they are way to old for me, or im just not attracted to them on any level. Looks, profile, journals.
So yea submissive/slaves have the attitude of Fuck off.
Especially when there are men/women out there who think that you must bow and serve to every dominant.
Im not bowing or serving to anyone i dont feel has earned it! Im sorry dont like it? Well guess i must be a fake and a phony.
BUT if you show me that your a person who has some substance behind them...maybe you will get the kind loving subserviant person your looking for.
Oh wait...if im not on my knees in a moment...guess i must just be looking for a kinky boyfriend.
Hell i do a lot of talking about sex, why? Because i know at this point in the game thats all im going to find. Everyone says they want a sub/slave Master/Mistress...but thats not what were finding.
What is out there is a lot of people talking a lot of smack and then pulling back when its time to take it to the next level.
Yea i ranted. Ooo im not a subbie. Whatever!
If your not willing to wade through all the bullshit then i guess all your ever going to find is FUCK OFF!
And thats my 2 cents! |
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I think that im going to play follow the leader on this site. Ive seen a couple journal posts that say all there here for is reading the journals.
I think thats what im going to do. If i cant live it i might as well live it vicariously.
Especially the wannabe poser time wasters. I dont need to deal with that. Ill just even live that part through other peoples journals.
I dont enjoy my time wasted, so instead of trying to locate that all elusive One. Ill instead be enjoying the struggle and triumph of other people.
Using this journal to talk about service or sex depending on what mood im in.
Just because i want to be owned doesnt mean that i have to have it. So ill be content with my weekends with my friends. Those who allow me at least a minimal fraction of letting my subbie side out. Ill continue to long for what i dont have. BUT without all the heartache, hassle and grief(not the death kind) that comes with trying to be on this site.
I mean seriously....The only people who so far are finding me attractive or interesting are those who are in their mid to late 50s and on up. Im not into men that old. I prefer men to be in their mid thirties to at oldest mid forties. I dont think that should be an issue but its been an issue.
So im going to sit back and enjoy everyone else's ride!!! Woooo me...all the fun and i dont have to drive! |
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Sometimes i miss the destressing factor of being an active submissive. You know youve had a really really bad day and your One is there with flogger, crop, and whip to help get your head back to where it needs to be!
Yea i miss those days as much as the service that goes along with it! |
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I believe in no surprises to a degree. When it comes to meeting and talking to new people, yea im not so fond of them.
It would be like talking to someone for awhile and things are great and then all of a sudden you find out they have their dead grandma in the closet.
Surprises suck lol. So The reason for this train of thought is because i went out tonight for about 2 hours with my friends. On the drive home it occurred to me that any man/woman i have a relationship with really needs to know that i still like to go out.
I still hang with my friends, we go to the bar, we sing karoke, we have bonfires till 5 in the morning. Im only 34 years old. Im not old and im definitly not dead.
Thats something that you have to be compatible with in any kind of relationship. So im using my journal to put something about me out there. Something that most definitly could be a deal breaker with someone.
I live for the weekends! I have a 3 yr old and she goes to her dads on Friday and i dont pick her up till sunday. Sooooooo you can see I LIVE FOR THE WEEKEND! We dont always just go to the bar, we have been known to stay in and play darts, watch movies, and yes have a drink.
But when my weekend comes i like to go hang out, let loose, be silly, and just have a good time without any drama!
There you have it folks, if you are someone who doesnt go out and have fun....im probably not someone you want to consider.
Heres to as close to no surprises as you can get! |
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How many profiles does one person need on collarme? How hard is it to just delete your profile and then make the new one?
This is how wannabe posers get called out, even if they arent. You cant expect anyone to take you serious if you have 18083 different profiles of yourself on one site and use the same picture to verify its you.
I have one profile on here. If i need to change the profile because i dont like my name, well then hey i could make a whole new account but wouldnt it then be nice to have a lil explanation of hey im not a poser i just hated blah blah and i made this one.
Or if you have encountered stalkers....um maybe its time to just totally remove yourself instead of a new account.
I dont know...i was browsing profiles and i came across a whole lot of same picture really similar name and same info. I cant keep up with the name i have lol how do you juggle more than one?
Maybe this is why noone is finding anyone, because we see multiple profiles and it sends up red flags.
Well im sticking with just one profile and ill update it instead of deleting and recreating.
Heres to good luck in all O/our searches! |
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Some days im searching. Some days im not. Some days i think the only relationship i can be happy in is a lifestyle one. Some days i think maybe a vanilla relationship wouldnt be so bad.
Thats the day to day war i think many unowned sub/slaves have daily.
That thought of god ive been looking so long and havnt had any luck. Maybe taking a walk back on the 'nilla side will fill that void. Maybe i need to just stop searching. Maybe this Maybe that...
But its a war i think we all wage. I dont know if i could be happy in a vanilla relationship. My partner would definitly have to be an alpha, even if they dont have a clue.
You can always do your serving but without the recognition and reward. Eh...maybe youll get lucky and the 'nilla partner might have a lil streak lol.
I dont know what im doing with any search at the moment. I think id rather just coast along and browse. Especially with the time of year it is.
Life is stressful because of holidays, families, bills. I dont know if i would be in the right place to start something new. Am i still open? Of course! To close yourself off is sheer stupidity.
I dont know im just rambling and not serving is bringing out emotions im really unsure of and cant name.
Oh well lol its the holidays time for cheer lol |
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I was thinking about that guy who wasted my time and professed to not be a fake or wannabe. I wasnt thinking about him like ooo i need to stalk him, no i was thinking about the good stuff that came out of his wasting my time and the stuff he missed out on!
Good thing number 1, i know who i am more firmly now. Good thing number 2..it upped my own self esteem enough that i got some, and got some really good. Good thing number 3...i know that im not alone out there, time wasters and all.
Then i got to thinking about how i got something good out of his wasted time, but then i thought...HA he fucked himself.
He lost out on a fun and aggressive partner in deviant sex. He lost out on a killer blow job. He lost out on a person who would have been willing to push her limits for his pleasure. He lost out on a person who would have made his life a bit brighter from my laughter and fun.
I keep reading these journals from girls who have had their time wasted. I cant sit around and think poor me woe is me about it. Look for the bright side ladies! Was your mind opened a bit more, was your life stimulated enough to get you moving, were you taken somewhere else(even if the destination wasnt the one you wanted)?
If yes, then you were the winner ladies! We didnt lose shit! These time wasters, game players, wannabes....they lost. And as the saying goes:
Your loss is my gain! And in the case of expanding your mind.....their loss is definitly going to be someone elses gain and they didnt have to put all the work in.
See theres a silver lining all around...you just have to know where to look and how to spin.
So heres to finding that one and actually getting that one! |
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Conclusion....Kinky sex does not even begin to scratch the submissive itch. |
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And something from the other side of my brain this morning lol.
Did anyone watch Taylor Swift on SNL? I didnt but i did watch her opening monologue.
I already liked Taylor Swift but now i think i <3 her. She is soo funny.
That was one of the best SNL openers ive seen in awhile.
Woooo for not going to say that in my monologue! |
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I dont get like this very often but man i could really really use a good fucking.
My sexuality was reawakened and now im feeling the beginings of that god awful longing and ache.
Sometimes i wish the days of one night stands would make a comeback lol
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Mmmmmm His hands in my hair. Pulling me closer. Pulling tight enough to make me moan from a distinct mix of pleasure and pain.
Those hands pushing me to my knees as i beg one more kiss.
Those hands that roam freely and upon finding my breasts go to the nipples. Slowly testing the waters to find out how much is too much. Hopefully being surprised with the moan and the whispered More.
The look upon the face as my body shudders with pleasure from the pressure those hands are creating upon my body.
Those hands back in my hair forcing me to take the cock further then my mouth wants to take it. Choking but knowing that its worth it to put forth 100% effort.
The feeling of those hands gripping tighter and pushing harder as i hear the moans and whispered words of Oh shit, Oh yes as i suck and slide and tongue that hard hot cock, waiting to see if ill be rewarded with a mouthful of hot cum.
Ahhh those hands....in those hands anything could be possible. |
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Still searching for someone who is real and honest about their intentions. Someone who has the time to put into begining a relationship.
Im realistic, i know its not going to happen over night. I know im going to have to go through my fair share of wannabe posers who just want to pretend.
I know that red flags even of the smallest kind shouldnt be ignored, on either side.
I know that the chances of finding someone not only age appropriate but in the same are will be hard. I know that i dont have to take the first person who appears. I also know that i wont become one of the desperate who ends up going after that which isnt right for me.
I just hope the next time i decide to take a leap of faith, that person actually understands the leaping taking place and that im not left going....why is my submission not good enough. |
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Joy o Joy...i have joined the club with a lot of the other sub/slaves on this site.
The Disappearing Club. You know the one where you meet a guy. Talk to him. Give up just enough that it makes you think your headed somewhere. Read all the right things and enjoy the pretty words.
Then nothing. You do the things that you agreed to and the whole time your feeling like a stalker because there is no response.
You can only send so many emails without a response before it looks like your a stalker. Even if they asked for an email everyday.
Im not afraid of rejection. I would just prefer after certain kind of interaction that you just say look i changed my mind. Look i cant do this. Look it was fun. Just something so im not left going...um..what just happened.
Courage is telling someone the truth. I for one would prefer being told that over being left wondering about how long do you wait until you just say Goodbye? |
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I dont like bratty subs. I just dont. Tonight however after a great night out, i feel myself becoming that brat. Decisions im making, thoughts im thinking, and my attitude about it all.
Yea...i am in full brat mode! No i dont have an Owner but just because you dont have one doesnt mean you cant be a brat.
Ohhh the things i have in my head at the moment are all very bad in their own way. If i was Owned i think this would garner the mother of all punishments.
Sometimes you have to let the brat out, because if you dont she will eat you from the inside out.
While i know i made good choices tonight, as i sit here i wish that i could have let myself disgrace myself and just made all the bad choices that would have been oooo sooo much fun.
Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. And if you cant bring yourself to do the total wrong thing...being a brat is an outlet. Not a very constructive outlet, but an outlet all the same.
Its the end of Halloween night....Guess its all tricks and no treats for me....Though...lol...thats not always a bad thing! |
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Happy Halloween! Matching bra and panties always makes a great occasion. Adding the knee high black suede boots is a good touch. Enjoying a night with friends....even better!
Sometimes by being unavailable you miss out on the good times in life. Well i have no intention of missing out on life.
Heres to having a great time on Saturday night...and the candy is nice too lol |
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Just wondering does anyone know if they make a strap extender for womens heeled shoes? i have a pair of heels that id like to wear again but the strap is now about half an inch to short. Figured if anyone would know maybe here someone would. |
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Love me, Choose me...yes i know thats a line from Greys Anatomy. BUT its pretty honest and true about all of us.
We all want someone to love us and in this lifesyle we all want to be chosen.
The biggest challenge of all is resisting temptation when you utter these words to someone else.
Knowing that just because you need and crave something you make an informed decision.
Dont let your desperation rule you. How often do you find yourself going im not desperate only to find that you in effect are because you are willing to just jump.
Nothing wrong with jumping but at least give it more than 24 hours lol.
So i sit and wait the words love me choose me on the tip of my tongue ready to say them to the one who will know what to do with my statement of Love me, Choose me! |
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I know better than to get my hopes up. To have expectations. But i still do it even knowing that my feelings will be hurt. Without hopes and dreams i would be lost.
I refuse to lose myself. I will continue to hope dream and search.
I know that out there somewhere is a Person who will want to be with me and to travel the road less traveled.
Its all about knowing and understanding that hurt and heartache is part of the process.
Ill live with the hurt and heartache, because i wont lose myself to the crap that can destroy a persons very soul.
My search continues and while the search can suck, im banking on the reward at the end of that search. |
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Stuck a new pic on my profile. Its from 2 years ago but man do i remember how that felt! |
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I know what i want. Im afraid to go after it. Im afraid of the change in my life when i do go after it.
I want that change, i need that change.
I will not let desperation be a factor in my life. I am not desperate. I prefer to be by myself if i cant be with someone.
Love of yourself first is the only way to get what you want.
Im finally ready to be open....is that person out there? |
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To thy own self be true! There are people out there who are jealous, bitter, obsessed and a host of other things that will try to bring you down.
Dont let them drag you off your happy place to join them in the bitter bowels of their personal hell.
Enjoy all the new things you see in life, enjoy being you, enjoy the journey to finding what it is you really want and need.
Its a scary place outside and within. Always remember its your opinion that counts and the only one you truly have to live with.
I really am enjoying this site. I love all the different journals and hell i even love all the obsessed misplaced obsession(that doesnt mean i want it but if given eh what the hell). I have had some really good conversations and ive had some seriously F ones. But all in all i think the bottom line is we are all still searching for our home.
I like having this place to write because at least here there is the chance that someone will be going through the same thing and have some advice that im definitly not going to get with my Nilla friends.
Loving yourself more than your haters...priceless.
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What i find extremely funny is that my words are being read but not being understood.
I started my journal here because i have an ex who reads my other blog. Im not ready for him to know yet that im having feelings of my submission and am actively looking for my One.
The entries that you see are because its what im feeling. That doesnt mean im any number of adjectives a person would want to use. Also my words and journals wont be used against me!
When i first got to collarme, all of a month ago, i got an email. In that email was a picture, age, and location. I REJECTED that person.
I thought i had done a nice job of saying he was locationally and age challenged. Obviously i should have just said fuck off and die you huge douche bag!
I didnt because sometimes you just have to watch the crazy people play. This one is so crazy that he thinks that he knows it all and that i am a psycho who is on the wrong site and im kinky but im not....the list just goes on and on.
Hell why would you take the time to keep sending messages to someone if they have told you a couple times why there not for you, and then go ahead and offer up a bi female to me?
That reeks of desperation. The attempts to undermine me and what i am looking for is ridiculous.
The only person i have to defend myself to is me. I know who i am, i know what i am. I know alot about me, considering ive been friends with me for 34 yrs.
I put thoughts here that if viewed by a person, they will understand what im talking about.
I didnt realize that the rejected and pathetic would be so jealous of the fact that im willing to try with someone other than them that they would write ridiculous emails and say outlandish things.
Its like my ex all over again lol.
In closing its not just the phonies and scammers you have to watch out for. Its the old and crazy too.
Beware ladies/gents....your rejection is out there steaming! And making you the center of their pathetic little existence! |
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Indecision, fear, doubt, elation, i dont think there is an emotion im not feeling today.
i dont know what to think, i dont know which way is up or down.
Its so scary the feelings im having. There is nothing but all this on my part.
I just dont know.
Im afraid that im ok with not knowing. Im afraid that i really wouldnt be ok but would settle and let that be the forever thorn.
Confusion....oh im a great big ball of strange. |
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Im pretty sure im doing this right. Its scary and new.
When did i stop browsing and begin actually looking? How much looking do you need to do before you decide to try something new.
Ive done things in the last week or so that i cant imagine doing before. I dont generally push my own boundaries. But this time i pushed them and hopefully it was the right way to do it.
Whether life leads me to my Master or past a long line of Masters..all i can do is do my best. Make sure that im safe and secure. Make sure that if im uncomfortable i speak up. To ask the hard questions paving the way for the easy ones.
I think that you can find what you want, but to actually get what you want you have to put the hard work in. You have to be ready for change to take place in your life.
Change...it scares that crap out of me, but im willing to try. |
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Im a good person. Im a pretty decent sub. I have even been known to be slave. But i deserve Someone who is going to have the time for me.
Someone who is going to take the time. Someone who is truly interested in a Master sub/slave relationship.
Someone who knows that sub/slaves left on their own too long come to some very nasty conclusions, or do things that are detrimental to a relationship.
Someone who knows how to handle discipline and reward.
But most of all Someone who is ready to be Master to my submissiveness.
As a sub i can ask for and dream about anything i want. I can be whiny and crabby, but knowing when to be these things is the key.
Right now im feeling pretty foolish and thats all part of the learning process but as undemanding as im "supposed" to be. I just want follow through. If i end up making friends im all good with that, If i find my One, im all good with that. I just want that Person to be ready. Because god knows im ready to be back on my knees in front of my One! |
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Am i the only sub/slave who requires a lot of attention? I mean i feel quite pathetic in longing for the attention that i need. I feel like if your not able to devote at least a small portion of your day to me then maybe you dont have the time it takes to try to form a bond.
I want to find that bond. I want to long and yearn for the comforting touch of the One who i choose.
But if you dont have time to try to form that bond then why even talk to someone. I dont mean like you need to speak to me personally every day but whats wrong with a quick email, or text.
I know how unsubbie of me to demand attention.
I dont know i just think a word to everyone should be unless you have time to devote to Yours then maybe you shouldnt be looking. |
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Do not read Nimh's journal. I dont usually feel the need warn people off journals. But this guy is a serious wack job. How can you be so unhappy?
Ive never read as much whiny ass, hate toward so many people. Ive been a whiny ass on occasion but god help me if i was ever where this person is at.
I started my day out pretty good, had a lil heartburn lol my bad for eating peanuts before bed, and i have a lot of stuff on my plate for the day. But my day started out pretty good.
Then i did what i normally do and ran across this dudes journal. And all i can say is wow!
Hatred for everything. Hatred for life in general. Pity party pity party of the ickiest kind.
If you want to keep hope alive for yourself dont read that drivel.
Be content in all that you are, flaws included, and keep hope alive for yourself. Sure none of us may find what we are looking for but at least we arent all whiny about it.
Sighs...i should have left the journals alone today lol
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Whats your favorite? Mine is knowing that one thing that can be done in a vanilla setting along with a lifestyle setting is sitting on the floor at my Ones feet.
I love being able to rest my head on a knee, twine my arms around a leg. I enjoyed being petted. Whether consciously or unconsciously. I think i like the unconscious one better.
Knowing that as i was at his feet i was accessible for whatever was needed. Be it jumping up to get a refill. Be it a twist and jerk. Be it a loving caress or the stroke of a flogger.
I feel the most useful in that position. And as an added bonus it makes me feel good.
That was my favorite part when i was owned.
One day i can have that again, its just going to take time. Till then i will enjoy the memory. |
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The hardest part about starting over is pulling off all the layers of your past relationship.
Pulling off all the doubt and insecurities left by someone who isnt anymore. Stripping away their will.
Learning to let go and learn with someone new.
How hard it is for the unowned to find someone new. You have to let go of what you learned before. You have to want to learn someone elses way.
Start over fresh as a newbie who knows nothing. Keeping just enough of what you learned before as your stepping off point.
Hoping that what you really liked will be there in a new relationship.
It was a long time in figuring out that to be with someonelse i would have to remember that this is a new person and they are their own person and getting to know them should be fun.
God all the insecurities that come with being a submissive. |
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Yesterday i was talking to a lifestyle sister and we were lamenting about our past poly relationships. How we both should have figured out right away that our "sisters" werent really our sisters when they decided to tattle.
While talking we both agreed that there are times to tattle and then times that your sister is just venting to the one of the places she should be able to vent without fear of recrimination.
My friend had vented to her "sister" about how money was tight she was tired of juggling bills so Theirs could have stuff, and she was just fed up.
Immediately after saying all this, my friend was all apologetic. She knew that she was in the wrong, but just had to vent it out so it didnt eat at her.
I think she vented in a logical place. I do not think that the "sister" running and tattling about it was warrented. Turns out her motive was for her sister to be punished.
Yea that makes all kinds of sense to me! Why would you turn on your sister like that, if they had already apologized and knew they were wrong. Venting its what we all do.
In my situation we had been having difficulties so Ours at the time had us go into the bedroom to talk about it, work on it and figure it out.
Sounded good to me. So we went to the bedroom. Five minutes into it my "sister" turned to me and said lets just tell him we worked it out and be done.
I was the tattler in that situation. In my opinion that was a time to tattle. Not only would the situation have been resolved, it would have meant lying to Ours at the time.
It would be obvious later that it wasnt resovled. Also and the big one would be that i would have to lie to Ours.
Now in my book thats a big no no. You do not lie to Yours. Thats just wrong. And to want to engage your "sister" into your deception is more wrong.
I tattled. I didnt feel bad about tattling until things really went south, but thats another story lol.
To tattle or not to tattle? Its all about knowing the difference and knowing that your not doing it to be spiteful and hurt the ones closest to you. |
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I had a pretty decent weekend. Got a few cheap thrills in.
I decided that since i wasnt getting any good thrills there was nothing wrong with a few cheap thrills.
I have a couple friends who can get away with a lil public display of affection. I dont have a problem being a spectacle lol.
So i went out and there was one of my friends. Yes i got cheap thrills. Two of the girls sitting at the bar, who i know, couldnt believe that i "took" the big whap on my behind. Then definitly couldnt believe it when my friend said...Look at her turn that ass and whapped me again. HARD!
Cheap thrills! Not getting anything elsewhere, so ill take the cheap thrill.
Nothing wrong with being acting like the dirty whore on occasion. I was good though i didnt let it go to far.
Why should i? i have no interest like that in my friend at this time and im not going to start something up with him because he is sooooo not someone i want to be "involved" with. A little teasing at the bar i can deal with, but man im not going there lol.
Then my weekend ended with me making a promise to someone. What the hell?? Ohhhh its one of those promises im either going to regret or im going to end up completely sated by.
Ahhhh the weekend always brings such great things. |
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All im saying is its been a rough week lol and i think a little fun is in order.
Going to hit the bar tonight and enjoy an icy one. Sing some bad karoke and enjoy the company of others.
Will i meet someone? Most likely not. Will it bother me. Hell no.
I need to let loose a little bit and just have a bit of controlled rowdy fun.
So if your out in my town tonight and you see me at the dive bar(there so much fun) then say hi!
Everyone enjoy the weekend, i know im ready! |
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Its quite easy to fall into judging someone. Its natural and in some cases should be apologized for. Im not going to apologize for judging with what im thinking today.
I read a journal entry that had a very long description of what a Dom would do to a sub/slave if given 24 hours with her. At the end it asked for opinions.
I gave my opinion. I said that while some of it sounded good(for some people) i thought it was a very good fantasy because some of what was in there wasnt SSC.
The reply i got was more or less well its not for everyone, which i understand, and something else. In a second email back i brought up RACK.
The reply i got was that the person doesnt believe in any rule book, or the acronyms of the BDSM world. Oh and while i was at it what was SSC and RACK.
My jaw hit the floor! Let me also say that i was not/am not interested in this person for anything other than to give my reply to the journal. As my jaw hit the floor i began to feel very sad for whatever sub/slave actually meets this person in real life.
Is it me or shouldnt both a Dominant and a sub/slave know at least one of those? I will admit that i didnt know what RACK was when i first found this lifestyle. BUT i did research and i did reading and i talked to other Dominants and sub/slaves. I learned alot and appreciated all the help.
Ive never seen a Dominant who didnt care to know.
To me thats very very dangerous. Any thoughts?
*If you respond please let me know that its my journal your repsonding to. Collarme doesnt differentiate between email and journal replies.* |
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Can you punish that which is not yours?
I say No way. But thats what some jerk thought he was going to do to me in chat the other night.
In a chat you have to be mindful of what room your in. Some rooms mandate the use of Sir and Ma'am. Others arent formal at all.
I was in a room that wasnt formal.
This person who tried to punish me decided since i said shut up more than once that i was dissing him, and his "girls" bounced me from the room.
He was a mic hog. That was no big deal. But you cant be a mic hog and then expect people to talk on mic. If you dont shut up.
Well this room was all joking and hell this guy even decided to tell me that my name was wrong, that i couldnt use the caps at all(sometimes its the only way to get a nick), and that if i was his i blah blah blah.
So when i was joking about shut up...it wasnt ok. Hello you dont get it both ways! Especially if im not yours, especially if its not a formal room, especially if someone should have told you to stfu a long time ago!
Sooo in a pm hes demanding an apology. Ok so im a bad bad girl! I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS!! Ok so i do but not from someone im not currently involved with. BUT i do not take them from random strangers. It doesnt work that way. Sooo being the naughty girl i am i gave him the best made up apology i could. I kneeled on rice on a hard wood floor naked while it bit into my flesh.
He didnt get the sarcasm. He then was like thats good now come back to the room and say it on mic.
I blew a fuse. WTF did he think he was to punish me. He kept telling me it was a punishment. I kept telling him you cant punish me, im not yours!!
To which i was then told i wasnt any kind of submissive and whoever had trained me would be disappointed in me.
That was the funny thing. The person who trained me would have been proud of me for not letting this person have control over me.
The person who trained me told me, that unless it was FORMAL then i didnt have to use Sir Ma'am Master Mistress, but to be respectful.
The room i was in wasnt like that and i think its funny that someone tried to punish that which wasnt theres.
Ok on a good note for that situation....I was respectful enough to not sink to his level and question his dominance. I mean after all....when i said you bounced me the reply was no his girls did. Well if your such a big strong dominant man who deal out a punishment, WTF are you doing having submissives choose for you who to bounce and who not to bounce....yes i can be a good girl sometimes! |
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It would be nice to live a fantasy life. Im here without thinking ill find my One.
I know that this is just a website. Im practical. I know that my One if on here isnt going to be found in a few days.
I know that what i want and what ill get are two different things.
I know that for the most part all that im going to find on here are people looking to hook up.
I know what i want! I know what i need. I know that finding that and being able to show my service arent going to happen overnight.
I just wish it was easier to weed out those who start out real great and then you realize that they just want a quick lay.
I suppose there isnt anything wrong with a quick lay, but i dont think i just want to scratch the itch.
I think im almost ready for that itch to be pulled out of me and reapplied elsewhere just to be pulled out over and over. Daily basis, daily servitude.
Im browsing with no option to buy. Im browsing to see what is there, but i dont think there is anyone sitting on the shelf that is supposed to be mine. |
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There are a lot of journals out here that all deal with tribute Dommes. Im going to take a turn writing about it.
I havnt used one, i dont need to use one, i dont want to use one. Let that be the starting point.
I dont have a problem with them, to me its not BDSM its just playtime. To me it seems like what those high powered job holders would use to relax and then go home satisfied. Kind of like the strip club.
The one thing ive seen over and over is the Pro saying they arent a prostitute. The term prostitute seems to be really offensive. And it mostly seems to be because they are totally equating prostitution with sex. Now im pretty sure ive heard the word prostituting or a form of it that didnt mean sex.
So i wonder if those pro's would prefer those who are irritated with them or have been irritated by them to use the word Escort.
To me that seems like that word would be nicer for them. Escorts dont necessarily mean sex either. But they are getting paid for their time and company.
I sometimes wonder if it wouldnt be a good idea to suppliment my miniscule income and become a switch and beat on naughty boys n girls...as long as they pay my rent, my grocery bill, my car insurance.
Then i think about it and i dont like how that would be. You would have to build up a really great customer base to make a living at it.
That doesnt seem like a big possibility. Most people from what ive read are actually looking for reality not fantasy. That or they are letting theyre fantasy try to blend into reality. We all know how well that works.
I was reading one journal where she needed sessions now because her lights had been turned off. Maybe thats a sign that you should try a real job more often instead of waiting for someone with deep pockets to fund your life.
If i want to give my One something that costs money, i want to do it because i want to do it. Not because its going to get me attention or play.
I want to have what i want because i earned it the way your supposed to. I think that if i were to put myself into a situation where i was paying for it, it would become like a drug and then a habit.
Always feening always scrounging to get money together to play.
Doesnt seem like a very good way to live.
I wonder what exactly a Pro gets out of it other than money? |
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Tonight i have a question that if anyone feels like answering id appreciate it.
Is it required that every single email you get on this site get a response?
So far ive been accused of topping from the bottom, and someone thinks they know why my past is my past. All because i did not reply to the email...Wow your eyes are gorgeous.
I did however reply to the email that i got stating what no reply.
My reply obviously wasnt what was expected, but seriously....when is it topping from the bottom when the person isnt yours or anywhere near yours?
I mean seriously why would i reply to every email that is just a line? And a line that anyone can say?
I dont know any thoughts or feelings on no replies to what seemed to be a comment that needed no reply?
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This is my reply to an email i got. I liked my reply so much i decided to post it as a journal entry. Im having a day today lol.
It is ooo so easy to fall for a few easy lines. Im finding myself doing that right now with someone i met on here. Its moving a bit fast but im the kind of girl who likes to jump knowing full well that there are big consequences after that jump.
Right now im torn between being the dirty whore, nothing wrong there, and having a minute of instant gratification and the then more than likely just have had that moment BUT have had the moment. Or slowing it down and being "unsubmissive" which can translate into being safe and saying what i know i should be saying. Which is...hey look you i have to meet you outside of all this. i have to meet you with no expectation that im going to hook up with you. And i want to say that but im soo afraid, which is really girly and stupid, that by saying that all interest will be lost on his part and there i am all horned up and back to square one with no prospect.
For a girl who doesnt want to settle i settle real well lol. Sorry i puked that out at you but tag your it lol. |
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Too many times people forget or some people dont know that 24/7 doesnt mean you are having sex, being kinky, tied up, tied down all 24/7.
24/7, in my opinion, the above way would be a really great weeks vacation! I mean a whole week of nothing but being your sub/slave self. Serving your One in the way your supposed to serve your One. Your One being able to use Their sub/slave the way They want, need, and long for. Their wants, needs, and desire are the only thing being attended to. Ahhh what a sweet ass fucking vacation that would be.
Anyone who thinks that that is what 24/7 is needs to go back to the line and keep studying. Put your nose to the grindstone and use some common sense. Parts of the above do happen 24/7, but not as described above.
When your home away from the outside world, yes, thats part of 24/7. Reality is, there is a Reality. There are a lot of distractions from the outside world where the above would be a vacation.
When i first met my ex thats how it was. I met him online and we talked for awhile, then blah blah, and then i started going out for weekend visits. 4 hours of drive time for 2 days of 24/7 like the above. It was the best! As much animosity as i have for him now, i cant diss the way things were when it was the D/s relationship.
In the real world of 24/7 Masters get frustrated, and upset, and angry. In the real world 24/7 there isnt enough time for that to be gotten out. That 24/7 is really hard work. Worth it, but really hard work.
As a sub/slave in a real 24/7 you have to remember its the little things that matter. The big things are awesome but the little things...those should be the ones to stick out.
My One at the time liked me as furniture. We had time constraints and other things going on that made the vacay 24/7 possible, but there were things i could do. If he had a hard day, the easiest way to serve him and be a good girl would be to be on hands n knees and be his footstool. Bringing along a toy was always a good thing. He didnt have to talk to me or do anything but sit and watch tv. If he felt like using the toy or his hands, he could. If he chose to not he could.
Like i said its the little things that make it worth it. And with that im going to end this long babble.
Heres to finding a week of 24/7 as vacay!!
**if you reply to this, could you tell me this is what your replying too, thanks so much! |
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"You have to trust that I'm or rather a Dom isn't going to use you or abuse you in a form you don't like and the Dom has to trust that you not going to turn him in for what happens that is consentual."
Thats a line from an email i got yesterday. I think it makes for a pretty good topic to write about.
Thats part of why my ex is my ex. I know the difference between play and abuse. He knew the difference between play and abuse. Then im assuming he didnt care.
I also understand that when you take a sadistic Dominant for yours that your in for some unpleasant things. Well to some people they are unpleasant.
I also understood that in my contract it stated that all punishment would be called as punishment before proceeding with the punishment.
That is a very good thing to have in a contract. It helps you define what is lifestyle, and play, and then abuse. I mean really if you have ever had or been a sub/slave, you know that we can be some naughty shits!
And when the naughtyness occurs punishment should follow. I personally liked that i was going to be told i was being punished. It made me feel safe in a relationship which to the outside world was wrought with violence.
Dont tell my mama that i really liked being whipped! Try explaining to the police why you have a handprint on your face. They really dont like to believe a person likes it and would willingly submit to it.
But back to trust. If you and yours are smart cookies you will have provisions like that in place.
I wouldnt want to call the law on someone because of something consensual. The outside world doesnt understand that there isnt anything wrong IN THE LIFESTYLE with a Man/Woman slapping their property, spanking, wailing with a belt(not my personal fav)
I dont know how more Men/Women arent in the pookey because of this. Just because i know the difference doesnt mean someone else knows the difference.
Because of that sentence at the very begining, i dont understand how people want to rush into things. You have to at least have a conversation that isnt about what you like and dislike, but what the real rules are. What it really is going to be like.
There are profiles out here that say some way out stuff. You know what? I believe that way out stuff, and if its too way out for me, i stay away. I couldnt do it and i couldnt trust that they wouldnt do it. Which would put us in a situation where that very first sentence would apply.
I want to be able to enjoy my sub/slave side without fear that my One is going to cross the line. I want my One to enjoy my sub/slave side without fear ill cross the line.
I think that too many times there werent enough vanilla meetings to properly understand what is going to happen. That is one time and way that trust is lost and that sentence is put into effect.
Heres to finding out all you can and knowing the difference between abuse, play, and lifestyle. If you dont know the difference....i think you should just keep on looking at everything and not be an active participant. |
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My shallow is your deal breaker. I was either reading a profile or a blog entry. I dont remember which it was or who it involved. I just remember thinking wow how shallow. Then last night when i was sick out of my mind, and had things swirling left and right i came up with my shallow is your deal breaker.
I was reading and it was about a sub/slaves hair. They recquired that Theirs had long hair. They saw it as a sign of laziness and not caring. The inablity to take care of things. Basically the way i read it the girl who didnt have long hair was dirty and lazy.
I was like whoa, isnt that rather shallow that you make that your deal breaker. Hasnt that person ever heard of wigs or weaves? Why would you pass up a person who was right but the deal breaker was the length of hair.
I prefer to be with men who have long hair, its not a deal breaker if they dont. Long hair is a pita to take care of. Its not about being lazy its about all the other things you have to do in a day. Also some people dont look right in long hair, or have professions where its a hindrence.
My shallow is your deal breaker. I have my own preferences but sometimes you have to not have one thing to have it all.
Heres to knowing what you wont settle for and what makes you just shallow. |
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For a long time, in my opinion, i put away the thought, desire, longing for play and service.
I pushed it down so far that i lost everything except for me.
Its been an interesting year to two years, im not quite sure when the exact last time for play was. I tramped down any and all feeling that when i finally kinda broke the surface, i couldnt be with anyone.
I met a very nice guy, he wanted a relationship, he wanted a sexual relationship. I had just poked my head above water. I wasnt ready. I tried, i really did, i just couldnt bring myself to seal the deal.
My friends were wondering right along with me what was the matter. I think what was the matter is that i need someone who is at least kinky.
Someone who will do all the naughty things i like, but if they couldnt do that they had to have some kink.
I had to know right away that i could expect at least a partial need to be met.
Im browsing. Im the only one who seems to understand that its ok to browse. Hell im not even sure what im browsing for. Thats why im browsing. Ill know it when i see it.
I have wants and needs, that a true vanilla person wouldnt get. I have a friend who has a hubby whos pretty vanilla, she has a lil streak of something other than vanilla. It rears its ugly head on her and makes her marriage a bit strained.
I dont want to be in a strained relationship. I want a full one that is what i(we) make it.
I dont know im just rambling, but at least i wont be stuck where i cant commit myself.
Its harder then it looks to find a Someone. But maybe ill get lucky and Someone will take the time to understand what it is my ramblings are talking about.
I dont know, im good though. |
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Whats with the UK? They really seem to have a lot of Dominant males. It seems they have the market cornered.
Well that sucks ass for me! Im in iowa and im not relocatable, and i dont want someone from a whole different country.
I want age appropriate and driveable. I want to know that if i need to see my One that I dont have to wait 12 hours for the time to align just right so we can chat on the computer.
I think im just wanting right now and am frustrated that there arent enough Dominants to go around.
One day...one day it will happen, but till then, ill just keep wondering about how the UK ended up with all the Dominant men. |
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I dont believe that i will find a Dominant on this site. I believe i may find friendship. But i dont believe i will find my One.
I obviously dont fit the body type of what most Dominant males are looking for. I have a very strong mind and opinion about what i want for my piece of the lifestyle. I seem to be a little tooo much.
I have found so far that there are not a lot of Dominants that are age appropriate for me. I like older men, dont get me wrong, but when your as old if not older than my mom, how am i supposed to explain that one at the family picnic?
I do believe that one day i will find my One. Though i do wonder if it will be while im still fairly young lol.
I think that its hard enough to find a vanilla relationship that its going to take a lot of work for a Lifestyle relationship.
Im ready to pursue or be pursued i guess, but im not willing to do that outside my comfort zone. This means im not going to swap dirty pictures, im not going to drop to my knees and worship. I truly believe that you need to at least know ME a little bit before you can think of anything else.
Im ready...but are the right ones ready for me?
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