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Oh, wandering me... I love so much about this world, yet have far reaching empty pockets that drown me if I let go. I am a strong willed girl looking for many different 'right' situations ~ I know it when I feel it ~ and until then I am peeking through the windows of the world, not quite the fly on the wall that I used to be, or the cage dancer I could have been; something other. Me. I am not a switch, but believe in one who is a guide and Master that can see when he can let go of the rope for a bit and entertain me... I have an ache to be a beautiful ornament with tender parts... *s*
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Whoa, lots changed since I started this thing, but then again, lots is still the same.
Moved from NY to CA.
Still searching.
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I am a girl and therefore pull all information of previous girls into my own self in one way or another. I also was made from stuff that makes man, so I feel I have this in me as well... But, what it interesting to me is how I pull apart all that is out there into me, within my own walls... and, that I say girl and man, but that leads me into musings fit for another day.
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In the mists of this world, I saw a face / Her hair as gold, she swayed / From the shadows came a man / and lingered in in her space / Unspoken words / Unuttered dreams / Sights and sounds, all unseen / The two touched toes to the water in the pale moonlight. Pagan girl, show me the way / I want to sing the songs of yesterday / Life was a gift long ago / And Holiday Night made it so / I see the curve of your hip / And the flash of your grinning smile / The flowers in your hair leave a trail for me / The promise of truth within my reach. Take my hand and show me the way / May I never look back at my shy shadow/ I wish to be seen and sung.
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k, I am over it... A passing thing. i keep meaning to note the phases of the moon or something to chart my crazy whims. What was that one all about?
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When I first heard about 'The L Word' on Showtime, I closed my ears. I did not want to see what TV was going to do to Lesbianism in America - making it a marketable thing loosly defined with beautiful imagery. I must say, however, that I got roped in last night as I was searching on youtube for something completely different. Daniela Sea totally caught me. I am stuck in her gaze. And, with that, realize that I am not over my girl fascination. I am not gay because I really, really like getting heated up by those of the male persuasion... But this puts me in an interesting dilemma. Do I like her because she looks like a boy but has a girl's body? I am not sure. In my current situation in life I am unable to explore sexuality as needed to find this out. But what I do know is that sometimes my ignition button is embedded quite far in, and this girl turned it on real fast and real heavy. Wow. *sigh*
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I have always had my eye open - waiting, yes, but with intent - not only infringement. So, in this moment I feel like I have been always waiting to see the roll in which I am to fulfill. Who shall I become? Who is it in me that needs an instigator to ignite and begin? Now, after a bit of thought (and maybe a bit to woozy the mind's constraints) I wonder if there is hope for me in this world. Can I become... me...? In a world where sexuality is a marketable product rather than an instinct, I am not so sure. I am no longer 18 - and I was not 'that' 18 when it was my turn, either. What if pleasure was kept in the corner as it should be - should it be? Or, for that matter, what if reproduction was entirely seperate from desires that can be had of the flesh? Oh, within this web I am tied. And how I wish to have touchy-feely conversation with those who glide past me in my dreams. Where are you in your life? Do I make any sense to anyone at all that walks the earth?
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Knowing not where I shall lie / But driving on / Until I die / I shall weave through the trees / Bend in the winds / And race towards the voices that call to me.
I hear you / though you may not know I listen / I cry for your solitude / though you think it be best alone / Off on an adventure
of heavens at our feet / We soar / And Oh, how we roar.
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I am in love with the treespiritproject idea. Currently on the hunt for a special grove of trees. The interest to connect back with the bark, skin on skin, is potent.
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Like a cutting sore.
The space after a tooth has unwillingly broken free.
A wandering girl in a very full combustible planet.
Where is my hold?
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Hello world, it is me again.
I have thoughts a-jumbling once again, but don't have the moment and the will to write them down. For a little while I thought I might be a writer, then an artist, and then... and then.... But my strength is draining under the weight of keeping pleasant. Have no fear, I most likely roll with the punches.
One day I have hope that I will lock eyes with another human in person and for real who will see this little girl in a woman's world and embrace me.
Oh how my tears should flow.
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Hello again...
So, I survived part I of the holiday hustle. I guess there really is no question of survival; I know I will come out the extruder one way or another.
I have had great notes from you folks and I appreciate it - lots! I tried to set up a blog elsewhere, but the tech portions drove me nuts - I like to have a wee bit of control over the artistic side of my work, and it was not happening as easily as it should. I am on quite an outdated computer - the old "shoemaker's kids have no shoes" thing - and to get anything cool going I'd have to use the one in my son's room, which I might add does nothing to instigate my inner me from awakening. Ahh, the mom-wife-daughter thing haunts me yet again.
So. For now, I am here.
I got a measly 20 pages of my novel done as I am also in college, work a few hours on the side and volunteer in a few different organizations. Such is life - no time to do the things you want to do. One course I am in now has touched on the arts more and it was really interesting to explore this dormant side again. It seems like I have been collecting art supplies for years but never sat down to work on anything... This class was all about letting go and embracing what you can make without allowing that little voice that says "you suck!" to come out. It was quite interesting, and I found out I am really tied up inside my head - more so than even I thought. I am on the lookout for one to engage the mind with in the hopes of untwisting me, but I feel it is a difficult search - paid or not.
So.
I have one last paper to write tonight then I will be granted with a bit more free time!! |
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I am thick in National Novel Writing Month - nanowrimo.org - have no time to spend here until Dec! |
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It must be the moon...
I have lived a certain type of life where I did not question much in voice, but in thought. Is it too late for me now? Did I use up my candle?
My insides burn, an ache I am familiar with now. There is no satiation for me, no ease. This is my fate and though you may be quite nice and handy with your whip (and I quite pleased to take it), I can not recover the girl I could have been, so I am not the 'one' for you.
I am me now, 33 now, and burning on the inside.
I have dreams filled with violent actions. I hold myself so upright and proud, but I quake - because I know now what I burn for. And one day I will not be able to hold back. And one day I will lose the concern of those around me as I kneel beside a heavy handed mate. I am a body meant to think not on anything but sensation, and I can take much if held in a positive light. I am capable, but do I deserve it?
I care not for wealth or status or dress - no materialistic confines to bind me - but the eyes that see me, they are what crumbles my brick wall.
And, if this burn is further ignited, oh Lord, what shall I do? |
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Give me the slow burn
take me to heights unknown
I want to drown in it
pull me down in it
drown me
down me
in
it
I see the light casting shadows about
I hear the twigs cracking under my weight
the rope burns my tender wrist
take me down to it
bring me
to
it
I have scars on the inside
that none other can see
open me up
show me my true identity
I was made for you
until you are through
take me down to it
make me burn in it
I want to own
my soul
full
with
it
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Oh I have dark thoughts about me.
Just when I think I have successfully occupied my incessant mental wanderings, this all creeps up again, and I daydream about interactions on the more brutal side.
I sit, and wait, for my moments. Do I know you? Would it matter if I did?
I like to feel the muscles stretching, endurance of a different sort. I like to feel the soreness of use. It has been a long time since a taste of it and I am not quite sure if I will ever feel this thing again, but it haunts me.
and I roam. |
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I need to talk to someone.
Let me refrain ‘need’.
*I can endure it longer if I didn’t find someone, but no one here is interested to congratulate me on my steadfastness - on my endurance level, and I can’t rely on myself any longer for it.
I am untrustworthy for myself because I am mean spirited at times and backstab myself. (These might not be the right words either, but they work for right now.)
I am ugly and beautiful, duality rules.
Topics I need(*)to discuss
Sex and sexuality
Domination/Submission and male female roles in life and love... (and sex)
Daughters to mothers and girls to sexual beings in the eyes of the man
Yes, well, the eyes of the man as well.
What do they see? Why do I need it?
Men. Man. and Me.
The framework I rely on to hold me up
Female friendships I have had (did I have?)
Mother daughter relationships
What I carry on that others have started before me (family and society)
Burdens and joy
Where my place is in the world
What are my rights?
Am I allowed to ask?
Can I receive?
Educational issues
‘The next step’ concerns.
...and the list continues.
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People say you are on a journey. I do not believe this is true. Everything is connected, yet there is free will and choice and discovery... I believe that you can turn around and see something that has been there all along, yet had gone unnoticed by you because you had not yet made connections of things previously unseen.
I feel as if I am one of many, but have never met any others. Or possibly I have, they had just not revealed themselves to me in a way I could see them, and they could see me. Or, maybe I had not been chosen by them (or other forces) to see...
It is a progression through time in this body, taking up this space. I aim to map it. Through writing, photography, film, music, touch. Arts of a sort, yes, but MY art.
Unknown until then.
Find one who can touch you. Express it any way you can, to share it. It may come back around to you in one form or another. |
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Oh, lala.
Another day, another way. |
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Hello again, whoever is listening. I am considering a more blog sort of effort as I am plundering through life. It does have its entertaining then plummeting moments, doesn't it...
So, for now, I seek one who can document my journey into me, through photographs. I have done so for a bit now, which includes the one on this profile, taken two years ago. I feel I need to do this more often. Like, once a month? I seek somone within the NYC area - or willing to travel within this area (I am about an hour north of the city, near CT) for excursions entailing photo opportunities. I am not intending a sexual tryst. I do intend chemistry of sorts, as I have an artistic side and wish to develop my voice. I talk, you listen; I listen, you talk. This is my thought of the moment... Interested? |
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O.K..... so. My bits of brainspill at this time are these: Very endearing profile words (sometimes) yet toting a freaky name is funny - only if witty or ironic in some way. Why is there no real place to say 'hi' without saying 'hi, I want to bed you - or you me'. I am needing to feel liquid gold in my veins which a warm blooded man can do for me (although chicks are equally powerful, just never forcing me on my knees in front of them, so I dunno completely just yet). Creative brain/sensory overload is a fun topic. Speak first, breath athletics later. |
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*Yawn*
So, I am interested in why men can spill out their wants and needs without guilt, and I have to creep around the idea of what I might be thinking about sometimes, but not *gasp* all the time. What is it with me? How did I get this way and how the hell can I shake it?
With that said, I am fascinated with the merging of all my selves, which can happen in a breath just as easily as it can vanish. Is there a partner out there who, if used only for physical journal entries - if you will - could see through the masks and veils I put up to block my girl self from the world of men?
I want to beg, but I will fight to the death to not do so. I am trouble, but mostly to myself. I yearn for someone to look through the outward picture - which is not too darn bad - and see me cowering inside. Damn it if I will admit it in person.
ummm, sex therapy anyone? |
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The Sagitarius has eyes. They saw me, and see me, and for this I am real. |
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So. I took some time. I can envelope myself in many things, but this one (or many) faceted side of me can not completely disolve. I have pricked ears at this moment. |
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Seeking out a go-between... I can not speak the words of what I crave ~ what would be in it for you? |
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The tides have turned, as they are to do. I know why I have not been given all that I wish for... I am not yet deserving.
Why would one choose me this way? Why?
I have been given so many gifts, but yet I, like the little girl who never was allowed out, am brattishly pouty. Many would be so satiated with material items of 'worth'; why does this not heal my need? I read on and on from various sites about what can transpire between man and woman, yet I - under the proper control of my gold-ringed owner, am not embraced with these comforts. And my life, while full and well stocked, is left empty. I have a list of what I must do to balance the gods in my favor, mundane tasks, but one never does know.
I am sad.
It starts in waves...
Just once to have a intense sexual connection - to look into eyes that see me, my faults and strengths and still I am seen... Oh...
And I wait.
I will be rewarded one day.
Or not. |
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I have just returned from Singapore and Hong Kong ~ what a glorious wonderous onslaught of information is coursing through my veins.
I must not wish for that beyond what I have... It just leads to wounds that can not be calmed within moral judgements. While this does sadden me greatly, I have faith that one day my soul shall be rewarded. |
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Should I have taken the bite of the poisoned apple? It is too little too late now, but yet I question. What is it that places me, this thing, in a zone where I even can question?
My thoughts fade from being one person, who I am, into another, who I am; most would not understand the changes. I do not ask most to understand. It is a freedom to be. To live. To love. It is my freedom to question, even if the very act pulls me down the spiral... and it is a long dark way to go.
To be given the moments of no choice by one who deserves the gift... What a treasure it must be. To, then, reclaim what has regenerated... Ahhhhh, delicious. |
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I do dream, it is the way I was made.
With this in mind, I keep my eyes open to where I am ~ eyes looking for an answer to my unasked questions, looking for questions themselves. I am here to seek, yes, but it is something in me I am seeking. Much as my body would like, I shall not give in just yet. I live by torturous rules myself and do not expect anyone else to understand.
~hoping to pass one on the street who knows me without ever having met before~ |
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What is it about the female body? The whole goddess/whore thing perplexes me... I'd say the man/boy issue is a tough one as well, why does no one speak of this?
I feel like I would have been safe from these thoughts if I had not raised children. I can now see where so many wayward boys have gone... |
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Since I really have no one else to talk to, I will use this window for a brief release of sorts.
I think my path is to right this man I have been placed with. I had no intention of getting wound up in these ties that invisibly bind, but here we are, and so on. I do feel it is my duty to properly support him so he can be the best he can be, but the microscope has never once been turned on me and I feel fragile and older now, more frail of heart since my expenditures have not often been replenished. He would say that I should stop being a princess and not always so selfishly thinking of myself, but I believe, when listening to me (once again, red flags can go up here too), that in order to best serve another in any form, one has to be at their own best. *sigh* I KNOW there are others to play with and travels of wonder just around the corner - or not even depending on where I look - but... but... It just is my duty to see this out. Or, am I being the lazy child afraid of change? He is a beautiful wounded creature and I could mend the hurts a bit, if only he would let me. Is he the holder of the key? I am in quite a spot... lol ~ and some say I have yet to live a submissive life.
I have vicious depths if baited. We shall see indeed. |
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It's not that I am here looking for an anonymous tryst... Rather I seek to gain knowledge and strength of my and in my position; the me of here and now.
Why is it that the one who holds the reins seems to not feel me? Not see me?
Do I exist?
Is it all for the pleasure of another after all?
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I waver in my own head between the submissive side which is desperate to be viewed and corrupted, and the Dominant side which has ~ because of life situations of one sort or another ~ built this thick wall around me, not unpenetratable, but mined thoroughly in defense. I have been my own guide for quite a long time now, which is the way it should be, but I do like the chemical reaction when mixed with others. My husband, who I may not part with, is somewhat supportive of my seeking behavior ~ and anything I do that could rub off on him he must be made aware of in one manner or another; just decency on my part, since in a way I am property and do wish to develop a continued strength of relations and communication with him.
Right now I seek knowledge to lay the path down as I go along my road toward experiences. If nothing exhilirating is the outcome but I have met someone who I connect with, so greater my smile ~no less wanting and needy am I. My lesson: there is more to savoring life if I get past the need. .. Or rather - it burns, girl, take it.
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