I punished loriellen for the first time a few days ago; I had to wait until she was feeling better (stress, moving, and allergies), so the punishment was delayed much longer than I would have preferred. The punishment was not play punishment, but a serious punishment for her horrid behavior toward Me. she understood that she had behaved most horribly and was due for her punishment, and she was compliant when I tied her to the daybed and gagged her (I have neighbors).

Going into the punishment, I knew one thing only; I would need to punish her until tears came to her eyes. I worked up from above the back of her knees to her butt, first the right side then the left side. I didn't use too much force, since I knew the outcome did not rely on how painful the punishment was, but the fact that I was punishing her. When I had finished both thighs and was up to her left buttocks I could hear through her gag that she was crying and I immediately stopped, removed the gag, and held her close ... kissing her face and stroking her hair. she cried for some time and I stayed with her very closely. Initially she said that I shouldn't whip the back of her knees - as if that was why she was crying, but I knew better. I continued to hold her and kiss her ear and face and stroke her hair, and she continued to cry harder until her entire body was sobbing. It was initially difficult for her to admit why she was crying; she tried a few excuses, but she continued to break down into further crying. After she had calmed down, we spoke, and she understood the she was not crying because of the physical pain but because of emotional reasons. I did not press any further into the matter.

It felt as if a small breakthrough had been reached. I wanted to keep that breakthrough significant, but it disappeared after a couple days. This is because loriellen moved out of her parents' home (family) and into a house with her sister (family). For every step forward I am able to achieve, loriellen goes back home to her family and that step forward is essentially erased. I can make no progress with her because of this. As long as she has her famly to go back to, she will make no progress. I am left wondering what I should do.

Now, I would not catagorize myself as a sadist, but after punishing loriellen, I discovered that I had a fair amount of pre-cum that had generated from the experience. This gives me further warrant to wonder.

Trust issues in loriellen have arisen, causing loriellen to act out in passive-aggressive manners which have been making life agonizingly unpleasant for Me.

loriellen behaving badly: fighting with Me on the phone until I finally said the conversation was over (which she thought meant our relationship was over and cried all night about); sitting with her mouth tightly shut, arms crossed, and legs crossed and not speaking; babbling on at Me with her smug attitude with lists of what she did for Me and how competently she did them. I had to comfort her and then nearly pry her feelings out of her. Evidently, she didn't feel that she was good enough. she commented on My journal where I said she was making nearly every mistake possible, which she took as a deep and cutting criticism. I tried to reassure her that the statement was cute and humorous, and that everyone would know it was only because she is so very new to D/s, and that is why I wrote it so.

But, after discussing matters more in-depth, I saw that the problem was that she didn't trust Me, thinking that I didn't want her and that she wasn't good enough. I had to continue to reassure her and tell her that we haven't done anything for her to feel inadequate about, and that we haven't done this because she takes everything too personally and is too insecure, and that I have had to go so very slowly with her (which she took as another sign of her inadequacies).

After much reassuring and our ensuing conversation, she promised to trust Me; but I told her that she had already promised that to Me twice. I told her that trust is a deep issue and difficulties with trust are deep - and common - and that they don't go away simply because you say you won't have trust problems. I told her it takes time, and that I had to provide an environment which would be conducive to her trusting Me. I told her that she needed to take some scary steps and try and let go, and that I would be there to take care of her.

I dearly wanted to punish her for her behavior which was causing Me much misery, but I haven't felt the time to be exactly right. However, it soon will be, and it will be the first time I will have punished loriellen. It's the unpleasant type of punishment. But she called Me on the phone and essentially challenged Me to do more to her regarding BDSM. Evidently, she wants to be punished for her behavior which she knows caused Me such headaches. So, as it will be, physically punishing her and bringing tears to her eyes will allow her to trust Me more.

loriellen seems to make every mistake possible. she is requiring a lot of patience on My part. I have decided to increase the intensity of her training. I will be implementing speech restrictions, eye contact restrictions, and attempting to train her to hold exacting positions which should hopefully calm her, put her more in touch with her physical body, and allow her to feel deeper feelings.

loriellen needs to learn and see how feelings reside within her physical body and not in her head. I'll be trying some new things so that she will be able to learn to live within her body more; I believe that if she can trust Me more fully, she may be able to let go ... knowing that I will be there and take care of her. I understand that this can be a bit scary, and trust is necessary if she is to venture deeper into herself.

I have disallowed her to ineract on CM until she is able to understand socializing better and until she is able to be more careful in what she does. I scolded her for replying to a message without even looking at the sender's profile.