Lake Como

Seriously considering closing this account.

Merry Christmas, everyone...

Been awhile since my last entry, but I do admit I had been more absorbed since in more of the real-life pleasures and activities than sitting in front of my computer and sharing them. Just had less time online except to check messages.

In continuation to my last journal entry....and of course, in answer to all your quiet querries about the results of that adventure, I have to admit it has been a rollercoaster since.  But a lot of great fun.

Yes, I did accept my favorite dirty-old-man suitor's invite to vacation down south to the warm and clear blue-green waters of the Carib, on board his luxury mega-yacht. Of course, just the two of us, except the yacht's professional crew, and not in the presence of his wife.

Oh yes, haven't I mentioned that he is very happily married? Happily, as he says it, but not as much as he was more willing to spend his vacation time with me instead.

What was supposed to be a weekend Carribean getaway for us ended up in a full-month's vacation. He had for so long salivated on me, for so long pursued me in all forms and manners worthy of a royalty, wooed me with everything he's got and everything he could throw down my feet, just to have my dear attention focused on him, and his desire of me...all that matterd was that he had to have me.

And all I wanted was to test him, try him, pry him, bring him under my wing, down on his knees.

And by the way, haven't I mentioned that he was also good-looking, for his age? For he ages well, and nicely, I have also learned to like his looks, just as I liked my husband's looks.

And so I went with him, more like a honeymoon than just a regular vacation, for what harm is there in a good-looking, good-natured, good-willed dirty-old-old-man 3 times my age?  There was none.

In fact, I turned out to be more in control than he had intended to be.

But in the midst of the exotic splendor, and me in the midst of my sexual heat, I had learned to want him just as he wanted me, in solitude with him on the high seas and alone with him on the beaches and the surf and even under the water.

I had him...and he had me.

And that was full of glory....and exotic pleasures.

For even if he is far from being a match to my younger lover who was my age, he was in his own right superb for his age, both vertically and horizontally, and from all angles and positions, he took me and my relentless energies.

He was by no means inferior either, for he was blessed with such an overly-generous physical endowments between his thighs, to my great surprise, and carnal pleasures.

I took him on all accounts....and had my glorious fill.

What does happen in a month?  A helluva lot.

Too much to fill a single book to write.

But I also brought his mighty corporate self and king-sized ego down on his knees, for I have overwhelmed him more than anyone would expect, and brought him to submission, instead. Now I still have him, but no longer as a big titan to pursue me, rather a small shadow behind me to satisfy my wants and whims and demands.

For that is the price he had to pay for having me.

Every woman has a value, but every man has a price, too.

He has not fathomed my true value, but I have imposed a price on him, a great price he has to pay.

And now he is just a shadow....

While my true pleasures are with those close to my age, where there is more abundance of energy and greater heights of intimacy.

Still I am standing my my ailing husband/ Master, my one and only true love, my commitment to him to be by him till his last days and hours. For no one has yet equalled, let alone surpassed his glorious spirit. The games I play with other men outside of his influence, or knowledge are but meant to satisfy just my physical and sexual fervor and fill my enduring heat. But not my loyalties. Not my submission.

4/24/2012  3:33:47 AM

I spent a good number of my development and youthful years as a wife and slave to a man who is more than 3 times my age. Those are glorious golden years for me as they are very instrumental in forming my basic life structures of today.

I wonder why, that now when my husband is totally incapacitated and in assisted medical living care, that I have been free to test and experience intimacy with men of my age, that many a dirty old men also get hot on my trail, trying to snag me into their own brands of intimacy, most of whom are very married men who are all  personally known to my ailing husband?

Very funny.

As if they think that it is easy to snag me just because of the fact that I am married to a husband of their age.

Yes, of course, in the name of wisdom and intrinsic knowledge of my husband's lifestyle, they all assume, or actually know that I would be of hunger and thirst of intimacy due to my husband's continued ailment and incapacitation.  Or is it just conventional thought.

Shameless, though not laughable, because they assume I am so easy to snag. It is not that easy because I know what or who I want, and I do have great taste.

But while I now do spend quality time of intimacy with secret lovers of just slightly older than my age, a good number of these dirty old men really do salivate on me on the fringe.

They do pronounce great intentions, though, and good care to add to great gifts of wealth and comfort that would make any real gold-diggers swollen and red with great envy.

But I don't need wealth, rather the complete satisfaction of my body's dire needs for carnal pleasures.

They are good friends, social and corporate entities around me and my husband when he was still well.  They just want to fill in my husband's place at my intimate times. I'm inclined to think this mark the end of real friendship and the start of their assuming a category of becoming sexual vultures.

But if my husband, in his advanced age compared to mine, was so good and extraordinary in the exercise of our great sexual life as husband and wife, I would be driven to wonder, would these other dirty old men be not far from his own level of sexual skills and experience, if not exceeding his?

Wealth does give them the opportunity to utilize the advance of medicine that is beyond the reach of the average man, and so they may be of a competitive value as lovers of my age.

I have tried one of them a year ago, when I was still of the thinking that I would just easily pass into another Master's control. But that one has fallen on a different pit, for he has fallen into my own control instead, transforming into a very wealthy submissive who turned out to become a cuckold to me.

Now I am inclined to want to test one of these dirty old men for he looks really of very valid value as an old hunk. My only concern would be how far will he go with me. It excites me to think of the potential.

I have gone out dating with him last week, expensive dinner and a romp through
Broadway events and clubbing, and he has proven to be of an energy package. No, I didn't go to bed with him afterwards, for I was not ready to give him that privilege, though I am excited to think about it really taking place. But at the end of that date, we did spend a good hour kissing and fondling each other, nibbling and licking and sucking, while in the car outside of my gate, on the outer wall by my front door and even though I stopped short of taking him in, he did walked away that night with my very wet panty in his pocket for a souvenir.  With that very short stint, he has proven to be a good surprise, making me want to open that Pandora's box even wider and see what he holds in there,physically, aside from his great wealth and the great very expensive gifts he has left me with that are no less a Queen's price.

Now he wants to take me to a 3-day sojourn in a remote Carribean getaway and I do know what this means aside from just good tanning on a secluded beach.  He wants to open my own Pandora's box of pleasures.  I do have one more day to think this over and decide whether I should go with my new dirty old man. And even this, presents me no pressures or stress. Promise of sexual pleasures laced with a suitor's filthy wealth heaped on me, should not be stressful in any way. For even if he does fall short, it still would be to my own advantage, for he treats me like a Queen and a goddess to worship.

4/29/2012  2:00 AM

No, I didn't go with my avid 'dirty-old-man' suitor to his proposed Carribean getaway. I sure love to disappoint sometimes, and disappoint big I did. I spent the time in total seclusion with my much younger boyfriend, instead.  That was a more electrifying and totally satisfying time.

Greetings to a number of persons who regularly follow my progress and feedbacks here and in my life. Thanks for your interest and words of encouragement. I blow my kisses to you.  My husband/Master continues to battle and hold on, yes, he's still alive though unable to move nor respond or exhibit any sign of communication or emotions. But inspite of some periods of illness, he's been staying physically stable and I continue to visit him everyday, whenever I can, at his care center and spend time with him, let him know I am still around him and still very much his wife and slave. That would be more in name and symbolism nowadays, unfortunately, because of our inability to consummate the relationship anymore.

I have been lambasted and savaged by some site users in their messages due to my exercise of freedom and my indulging in extramarital sexual activities with secret and illicit lovers, but I guess that is due to their inherent ignorance to my circumstances and their lack of rational understanding.  I don't fight back, I simply ignore, for it is of no use for me.

I am a very young adult woman who has been married to my Master since age13, and had lived a life with him that aside from our normal chores and our practice of this lifestyle, has been a married life dominated by relentless and intense sexual activities due to my Master's insatiable and enduring obsession for sex with me. You may call it an addiction to sex, but that was fine with me, because of my youth and inherent stamina, coupled by my loyalty and devotion for him and my obsession for providing him with unquestionable satisfaction and happiness in my care. Sex is everywhere and sex is anytime on a whim an on an urge, I seem to always eternally turn him on with my simple presence and ignite his sexual urges each time he sees me or touches skin with me, and I am a woman who is always touching my man in so many ways to express my affection and care. So whenever we are together, anytime anywhere, I was always ready for sex. And we were always together.

Do I like us being together all the time? Oh yes, very much so, he is my only love and my only family, he is the only one I care for. 

Do I like all that sex with him?  Ohh, why not?  I have to like it if I love my husband, and I do love him  25 hours a day.  I have to like it and enjoy it because it is my duty as his collared slave to serve his every need, follow his directions and obey his every word, and give him satisfaction for his every whim, whether it is something great or something stupid. We all have our own measure of stupidity sometimes and we all do commit some mistakes anytime, no one is perfect. And I do strive to measure up to his expectations and strive to fill up his mistakes or shortcomings with my own efforts so they will not stay ugly. Errors are ugly, and it is my duty to patch up my Master's occasional errors with my own glow and shine.

My total submissiveness is success to his dominance and ownership of me, but above all I do also love him for his ability to inspire and motivate me towards my continuous total surrender to him.

Love dominates our relationship, and it is worthy of note that ever since that time our eyes met in Marseille when we met for the first time, when I was only 11 years old (I told him and his wife that I was 14), until his debilitating accident, I have never seen him angry, nor has he raised his voice at me. The sweetest man I have ever known, kills you with kindness.

All those relentless sexual activities in a marriage spanning 8 years till his accident, may also have been responsible for igniting and raising my sexual heights, expanding its boundaries and deepened my sexual reserves. It may be hard for a normal average woman, but I have lived through it and had loved all of it.  But his accident that completely incapacitated him had become a cross for me to bear, not because of the demands on my time to care for him, but rather to my sex life. It put a relentless sex life to an abrupt end.

I struggled for more than a year since his accident, trying to contain my building-up desires and my frustrations, to the point I was gonna be insane. It was pure torture. I cannot live by masturbation alone. I cannot live just by my own fingers.

I needed him to fill my void. I needed him.... I needed a way to fill up the sexual void. I needed someone to fill up my maddening desires. I needed to find someone else, if just for the physical satisfaction of it and nothing else. Just the physical.

I have to live. I have to function normally.

My body was taught to have it. It was programmed to have it, relentlessly.

I have to have it when my body says so now.

My husband is no longer a physical entity.

This is why I am involved now with extramarital lovers, while still very much married and in love with my husband and Master.

Just for the physical aspect of it, for the satisfaction of my body's need.

Oh why have I struggled for over a year trying to contain myself?

It is so easy to snag a man without much effort on my part.

All I just need to do is to make a clear good choice. A choice that won't bring a ton of risks and problems to my life.

Am I cheating on my husband?

To most men, they all say I am.

But then again, my husband is the one who is absent, not me.

Many a woman would have wasted no time to leave him. I stayed with him.

And I will until his very last breath.

So I disagree about the term "cheating" when it comes to my present affairs.

It is all physical.

I am not in love with anyone other than my husband/Master.

True, it involves affinity and affection to fully enjoy sex with anyone. Yes, you have to really like the partner you choose, I have to really like him to begin with.

Do I enjoy all these extramarital sex I am having?

Yes I do, completely and fully.

Shall I continue with it?

Yes, I will for as long as I want it. For as long as it gives me the satisfaction that levels off my head.

For as long as it is practiced safely.

Do I feel guilty about it?

Not at all.

I know that if my husband could ever speak to me now, he would approve of my activities because of his inability to provide it.

If he asks me to do it in his presence, in front of him, I would willingly do so, if at least I can show him how I want it so badly and how it gives me the satisfaction he once did.

I haven't done that yet.

But at least, I am able to do something for my husband that don't require his participation. I visit my husband every day at his care facility, and one day each week they allow me to sleep over. One night a week. One special night, just for him, where from the moment I arrive there until the moment I leave, no one ever bothers us, no one ever attempts to contact me or knock on his door.
That's when I give him the best of me that he has always known. I dress to kill, just for him.  I dress to excite, and dress to the most minimum, and the sexiest and sluttiest I could ever be in front of him, showing him how his young French wife has remained even sexier and prettier than he has ever known, aside from alll the loving. I do perform my usual exotic & very erotic striptease dance before him, from fully dress-clothed down to the nothing in a sexual dance performance that would give professional strippers a run for their own money.

And for a finale, I play with myself right in front of him till I drain myself of every drop of my juices, and give him a taste of myself.

For once, I want to turn him on enough to get his cock erect.  But he doesn't get hard. I want that cock of his inside me in its natural hardness and erection, and not by artificial erection fluids.

And for as long as he doesn't get an erection, I shall continue to get it from a lover of mine.

Just came back home from a vacation trip to the Carribean, then to Brazil for the Carnival festivities, and back to another Carribean location.  Hard to describe cuz I have to write a long story about it all. But it was all worth it.  Combinations of the tranquil and serene and the exotics and the very, very wild and all the eroticism, mind and body games and the sheer unexpected and shocking surprises and erotic tenderness, both for me and my two female aides. But most of all, I believe I have gone over a huge bump and graduated into a more serene state of mind, and the calming of my own heats. Still too early to say the long-term effects of all these, but I am generally thankful for all that I did and been through in the two week interim, perhaps this was what I really needed. Hopefully the storm will come to pass, finally and I will be my normal self.

Too much at stake on my personal life to ever conceptualize any particular situation matching with any particular event, but at least I am able to put to test myself through several very difficult and extremely challenging and very dangerous situations and having to emerge on a positive note and end. And very thankful that I am able to do all these on my own private efforts and of occasions and situations generally out of my own choosing and preferences. Sex can be so abundant or so scarce, depending on your choosing of a situation to be in, and it can either be fulfilling or disastruous depending on what you do and how you do things and who you choose to be with.  My gratitude goes to the fact that I always had a say as to what my circumstances were generally going to be and even in the times when my heat had rendered me so very weak, I have retained my conscious rationalism and there was more pleasure and enjoyment than anything else inspite pulling all the stops for me and all those involved. Sio much to fill my mind for weeks and months to come, I probably be relishing this for a long time to come.  Sex can be whatever you make of it. And you can be whatever you want to be or let yourself to be.

Perhaps this is surmounting just one obstacle or two, but at least I know that I am now moving forward from the point where my Master/husband's debilitating accident has left me. I believe from what I been through that I am increasingly less helpless and less vulnerable, but most of all I am increasingly and progressively breaking away from the past, moving along forward into more meaningful and more productive adulthood and earning more sense of maturity and responsibility. That I am moving forward on my own power, and trusting my own judgments and instincts, is for me a personal achievement considering all that I have been through.

With my veggie-disabled Husband/Master's medical condition further stabilizing after 2 surgeries, and the medical teams' reports being progressively encouraging, I am now able to find some rest and try to catch up on some sleep. I have lost a few pounds of weight from this episode, but that is just fine cuz I really wanted to lose the weight I added during the christmas holidays and it is just fine for my figure and looks. A wild Valentine episode was great but really not so much as I had in mind though I really can't complain. Thank you, Brandon and Jake for all that and also my new paramour CJ, thanks...if only you were not married and with freer schedule. But oh well, had to settle with what I can have for now.

I have a 15-day break from graduate school, after successful and highly-rated series of projects and advanced completion of programs. The last thing I would like to do is stay at home. I have to go away and find a release of my mind's burdens and distress. My two collared slave girls are deeply mired in their own respective projects, Johanna at school and Armi at a work project can't be removed from their own schedules for any out of town trip.

So I am going on a trip by myself, accompanied only by two female aides/handmaidens. We are off to a more secluded destination in an exotic beach resort in the Carribean, exotic fruits and wooded backdrops, white sand beaches and crystal-clear waters for snorkeking/scuba-diving and clothing-optional aura. I can get a much-needed tan and revive my depleted energies. Hopefully my heat doesn't come up too soon to be a burden. Unfortunately, no guys will be with me this time, but really....who knows? Someone new and cute might come up to excite my senses. The world really is small, and there is always opportunities lurking in the corners. All I need to think of is just to take everything off my mind and rest and have a good time with mother nature and enjoy whatever comes.

As hot and steamy a Valentine's Day as I can ever imagine possible filling up my entire day.

Struggling between the control of my high sexuality and the satisfaction of my needs and desires. It's always an uphill struggle with very little relief and no end in sight. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I succumb, I strive to find a balance while I nurture a graduate college education and my career goals.  My husband is still in a very delicate situation after several surgeries and I am hoping he will regain health.

With my 2 girls to spend their holidays with their families, I also sent all of my house staff on paid vacation leave for the holidays, with 1-month bonus pay and 13th month extra pay so they could buy the much desired goodies for their families and kids. Except for the 24-hr security guards detail at the gate and perimeter, who aren't live-in staff as well as the caretaker of the pack of guard dogs, I have the entire house and property all to myself, ghostly and starkly eerie in all its cavernous stillness and the quiet of all the vast spaces, empty of life except the soft whispers of my gentle breath. So deafeningly quiet I can hear my heartbeat. Feeling the whole world is mine in its stillness, sleeping naked with my bedroom door kept wide open. There is no one to hide from, not a soul to see me. I feel serenity and ease and unafraid of anything.

Smiles.

A secret boyfriend from college who attends graduate school in another state, has come home for the holidays. Now does that connect the dots, hmmm?  Guess tghis has been at the back of my head and the quiet anticipation of what could be and should be heats up the blood in my veins.  After spending Xmas at his parents', he has come to share the stillness and quiet of my home and mix his breath with mine. Haven't I been quietly desiring for this, that it seems so natural and I am au-naturel as appropriately as it can be. Like a garden of Eden right in the middle of my own domain. I let go of myself completely in all this illicit grandeur and carnal euphoria to cool down my searing, scorching heat and I am totally for him to have in every way and any which way he desires. Life and heat shatters the stillness of the air and reverberates across the occasion of the New Year. Fireworks and explosions from deep within shakes the wilderness of the wildness. I am at my element, a nymph and a siren to die for.

My husband/Master always wanted the best for me. Live life to the fullest, be the best you can ever be, and have lots of fun, besides. He's not around to live that life with me, and may not be around much longer. But in the nearly two years since his debilitating accident, I have learned to stand on my own and take over control of what we have.  I also learned to live a full life, and working to be the best I can ever be, and have lots of fun without him.  He may not agree with everything I do or say, but then again, I have my own distinct personality and character and I live my own identity.  So it's no longer what I think he might like or approve, but what it is that I like doing and what pleases me.

The past 2 weeks has been a whirlwind for me, behind closed doors, and a great learning experience and eye-opening discoveries about myself.  This week capped it all, with quite a liberating sensual and erotic experience. And though I still continue to wear my Master's/husband's collar, I know this collar is no no more than just a symbolism and a keepsake. I still wear my wedding ring, but it merely enhance the eroticism of what I do beyond my husband's time. Reminiscing my past life, I can only say, "Thank you, my love".

Rolling forward on to the future. Now attending graduate school taking my MBA. Graduating college was my best-ever milestone.  It marked a significant turn in my life, and I knew there was no turning back to the dark past. Had a difficult internship period when my husband/Master got completely incapacitated from an accident and I had to learn to take over control of everything in his business empire. It was harder than just surviving. I do give a lot of thanks and gratitude to everyone in my husband's private circle for their unflinching support and guidance in my difficult transition, and the lawyers as well. It was a baptism by fire.

I did survive that, and now my mind has set itself forward to the next step I need to take in life. For awhile I had considered going to medical school.  But after considering everything at stake and considering what I really am capable of doing add to the kind of course I wanted to take in my life, I decided medical school is not for me.

Now I am back to school again, taking my MBA. My husband/Master would be proud of this. He is still fighting his own fight, and surviving. contrary to what doctors said, he still continues to live. I dedicate this to him.

As to the lifestyle, so many have spoken to me, so many have made offers, so many have given moral support. I tnank all of them also. Unfortunately, I am still deeply committed to my husband and Master. I am HIS and his only, while he continues to live. And only to him I shall be a collared slave, for as long as he lives.

I know this is onlhy symbolic now, due to his inability to function, and my living a completely single life after his accident. Though I explored the possibilities, I found it hard to think I could have an alternate dom to serve. It just won't work as long as my husband is living. One of the best candidates for that role was my husband's fiercest opponent in the corporate and business world, and one of the richest, who happened to be one of my closest friends and suitors for years. he ended up being a submissive to me, instead.

My life past my husband/Master have given way to mhy original orientation as a human being....that of someone who is in charge of her life and destiny. My strengths and the powers of my mind have come out in the open.

I have evolved into a life of dominance, first into taking control and command of everything that my husband had owned, including all assets he has in the business fiend. Then came the personal. I now have two submissive young women with me...one is a Finnish girlfriend whom I met during a beach vacation last sumjmer, while the other is my erstwhile best friend, whose father had been my husband's closest corporate alliy. The two women now live with me in my new home in Long Island, giving me servitude in my reversal of life from sub to domme, and sharing a life with me.

There are still many challenges to face, but I believe the biggest obstacles had already been breached. All I need to do is keep moving forward.

This month marks a very important milestone in my lfe.  I graduated from college. It was unbelievable.  I never thought I would ever reached this high point in my life. Surrounded by loyal friends I celebrated and partied.  But I give the greatest credits for my achievement to my disabled husband and Master, for only by his hand had I been given this chance of a lifetime to rise from the deep pits of the dark days of my childhood.  This one is for you, my love.  Only for you, sweetheart. Kisses.

Now things are not gonna just end here.  I am looking forward to still higher education. What have I to lose?  What have I to hurry for? I am still very young, and I have a big life ahead of me.  I don't think I am finished with school.  I love it.

PetRenee was my original screen name here. But that account mysteriously vanished.  So I created ReneeMae so I can continue corresponding with friends here.