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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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UpdateTaken from Tumblr, and I agree with it 100

Dominant Traits - Coaching

I wish I had a nickel for every time I have heard or seen something from new or wannabe dominants to the effect of, I give the orders, you will do as your are told. It leaves me shaking my head and trying to imagine what submissive would drop to their knees in the face of such a statement. Most subs I know would tell such a dominant where he could stick his orders and to not let the door hit him in his orders on the way out.

Being a Dominant is not about simply being the boss. Its not like the military where rank assumes compliance and obedience. Just because you call yourself a dominant does not make you one, especially to someone who is not your submissive. The rank of Dominant or Master is not assumed by the Dominant but rather is conveyed upon them by a submissive or peer group. You are not a Dominant or Master until someone else says you are, no matter how much you might wish it. Declaring oneself a dominant and then randomly barking orders is frankly just laughable sad really.

While I have dabbled for over three decades in BDSM and loving Ds relationships you might notice that I do not refer to myself as a Dominant in self deions on my blog front page. Partly that is because I was not in an active Ds relationship at the time I started this blog. To me that meant I was what I was, a 40-something male who likes to explore loving and sensual Ds relationships, and nothing more. In my mind I did not become a Dom again until my Muse asked me to take her under my hand and identified me as her Sir or Master. She gave me the right to the title again, I did not assume it.

This is an important point because it cuts to the heart of why a Dominant has the authority to give orders in the first place. A Dom only has power over a submissive because they have been granted that power by the submissive. And submissives dont just grant that power because someone sewed the rank of dominant on their own leather. They grant the power of authority to someone whom they respect, trust, desire, and believe has their best interests at heart. They grant the power to someone they see as a competent leader, a mentor, and a coach. They grant the power to someone with whom they feel completely safe and protected. Then and only then does a Dominant have the built-up cache to be able to give instructions and orders.

So yes, I as a Dominant do in fact give orders. But my orders are not simply motivated by a desire for blind obedience by another human being but rather are often targeted at a higher purpose. Sure, sometimes they are for my personal pleasure, but by and large they are designed to craft the kind of relationship that both my Muse and I desire. They are designed to instill knowledge, establish norms of behavior, set expectations for perance, and above all, challenge my Muse to be the best person she can possibly be both in and outside of our relationship. They are also designed to similarly challenge me. I always strive to be a better person, a better partner, a better Dominant, and have our mutual interests always at heart. Or at least I try my very best.

It is that which motivates my Muse to be obedient and compliant. Her awareness that I am always striving for both of us to be the best that we can be for one another, and everyone we come in contact with, motivates her to want to always be better, be more.

Being a Dominant is not so much about assuming authority as it is about being a leader. A leader earns the right to lead from those being led. My Muse follows me because she desires to be led by me. I have never told her she should or has to. Therefore, my Muse gives me all the power I have as a Dominant. What I do with that power is up to me. But if I use that power unwisely or selfishly, it will evaporate and my Muse will opt to vote with her feet. So it is with most any Ds relationship. Ds is, after all, a consensual agreement between two free people and thus can be terminated when one or the other is not satisfied. Ds and even Ms are not true slavery, even when we choose to call it that.

So then, if a Dominant is not simply a boss by virtue of positional authority then what is he? I argue that a Dominant is in fact a leader, a coach, and perhaps above all a mentor. According to Webster, a mentor is someone who is looked upon for wise advice and guidance. Note that it is the mentoree who does the looking, not the mentor. Mentors dont just grab people off the street and say, I am going to be your mentor. A mentor is adopted in a sense by someone who has great admiration and respect for them, by someone who in essence wants what they have. The same is fundamentally true of being a Dominant. We can certainly go looking around at the pool of potential subs and make our own advances, but ultimately, it is the submissive that decides who will be their leader or if they will take on a leader at all. It is that decision by the submissive that empowers the Dominant, and that decision is only earned, not taken.

So coaching and mentoring are very much a part of being a Dominant and indeed may be the most important of skill sets. Teaching, guiding, and leading are all soft skills that many people do not associate with the hard exterior of a Dominant, but in point of fact, they are the very skills that empower a person to be dominant. People will not willingly follow a domineering oppressor for very long, but a skillful and compassionate leader will garner legions of followers. The challenge then becomes choosing who among the would be followers is worthy of being led. That my friends is dominance worthy of the title, Dominant or Master.


Am I dominant? Yes. But I am neither a martinet nor a sadist. Its not a side of myself I even display to someone who is not receptive to it. Am I polyamorous? Yes, and have been since I started walking this path 18+ years ago.

Do I have other relationships, each of which I cherish deeply? Yes.

Do I keep myself open to new possibilities, even if I am not actively seeking them? Yes.

But I am not looking to create a harem. Its a nice fantasy, but not one rooted in reality. In fact, I view the use of the word harem in reference to my relationships or lifestyle choice as something of a slur. I respect anyones right to live life and to find pleasure, love and meaning in the lifestyle how they see fit, even if I dont agree with it. Afford me the same level of respect. But that only tells part of the story. I am a loving, caring person and a classic counter-puncher, in that I react to what is put in front of me, said to me and done to me. I am usually in a position where I have to keep my emotions in check, so most of the time I have my poker face up. This does not mean I am a man without or incapable of emotions, it means that something has to occur to invoke an emotional response.

Ive been in the Ds and Polyamorous lifestyles for 18 years now, and I seek someone who understands both.Life is too short to constantly try and have relationships with those who are Ds but not poly, or vice versa, and look at me as if I have grown a second head from my shoulders. I know I am looking for a unicorn but hey, anything is possible in this world, of that I am sure.I am a all you have to do is ask, kind of man. I am an open book in terms of who and what I am, all you have to do is turn to the right pages.

My Dominance

I am a sexually-oriented Dominant. That is where I take my pleasure, satisfaction and self-awareness from as I explore with a

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8/23/2010 2:09:12 AM
This is fairly accurate from a dominance standpoint. Thanks to for this:

Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

Dominant: 75%
Experimental: 71%
Exhibitionist/Voyeur: 61%
Switch: 50% (the only one I don't agree with)
Vanilla: 36%
Bondage: 18%
Submissive: 11%
Degradation Lover: 7%
Masochist: 0% (ya think?)

4/11/2008 10:57:19 PM
Love and Dominance: Its a balancing act.

There are those in the lifestyle who wish nothing more than to subsume someone willing to submit to them, just take one into themselves and absorb them, just like there are those who wish nothing more than be controlled, to make a person the center of their universe, where the sun rises and sets on that person, and their word is law.

Then there are the rest of us, who fall somewhere in the middle of those extremes.

Me, I find myself at times on the razor's edge, at the exact midpoint between those two emotional concepts and trying to stay balanced. The way I see it, Dominance is more of a mental state than emotional most of the time, while love is the exact opposite. I find myself at odds at times, where wanting to love and be loved in kind runs opposite for my need to dominate someone who is willing to submit to me. Its hard at times, because there needs to be balance between the two states of mind and heart.

I have been with submissives who have wanted nothing of the emotional aspect and wanted to be strictly controlled, with one coming to mind very recently. She wanted strict control and not very much else. I told her about myself, and that I am a loving Dominant and I am not like that most of the time, that I rarely get into that mindset. I did not hide anything about myself and how I do things, but she went with me anyway and I accepted it, thinking that perhaps she might wish to try something different. Needless to say that it did not work, because she came to me several times craving that level of control, which to my way of thinking bordered on physical abuse. I saw that it was not going to work, because I don't have the level of energy required to constantly remind someone of her "place", so we parted ways. There is a lot more to this story, but I am not going to elaborate out of respect to the person involved.

To me, either a submissive knows her "place" with her Dominant and stays there, or she does not and the relationship collapses like a house of cards in a stronge breeze. This is a consensual lifestyle and with someone craving an extreme like that, all it would take is the wrong thing done at the wrong time and then a trip to the ER results and a lot of explaining to be done and possible legal issues might result from it. Power exchange is a wonderful thing, but to me there is a level where it is easy to go too far with it. The spectrum of power exchange is a very broad one, and where I draw the line might be way before others (In fact, I know that is the case). There is no one true way in this lifestyle, no matter what some might try to have you believe.

Add to this that my "submissive girlfriend" and I broke up again and this time its going to stay that way. There are certain things that she wants that she knew from the start she was not going to get with me (such as monogamy), and its a little upsetting to me that she would waste both of our time in a relationship that was not going to change, and in the long run not what she wanted. In a way I feel a little bit used by her, because I knew that if someone came along that could give her the things she wanted I would be out the door, but until that happened it was fine by her for us to date. I wouldn't do that to her, because I would be in it pure purely self-serving reasons and not giving a crap about her feelings at all. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I probably always will (after all, it takes one hell of an act of cruelty or selfishness to get "evicted" from the large, multi-roomed residential building that is my heart), but her time can be better served by devoting her energy to looking for what she truly wants and needs than to just be marking time with me and being unhappy. I take a line from the movie Some Kind of Wonderful: "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons."

This must be some kind of record. Two blogs in two days. I guess I have a lot on my mind. Until next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

1/28/2008 12:21:39 AM
I was listening to favorite sports talk radio several weeks ago while driving on my delivery route, and the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs was on. They were talking about another coach whom he had worked under; the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. The host asked why that coach was so universally regarded and respected, and he said that it was because his old coach was a quiet leader. He treated his players like men, he never yelled or screamed or ranted at his players, instead he spoke to them and told them what his expectations were without having to result to histrionics, and he was always willing to work with them to help them acheive their goals which in turn would help the team achieve their goals.

This is the way I see my methods as a Dominant. I don't yell and scream (unless I have completely lost my temper, and that does not happen often. I would rather walk away than explode), I don't play the "Because I'm Master, that's why!" card very often (though there are what I call "Yes, Master" moments, where that is the only answer is the right one to give me). I treat my girls like the people that they are, in that there are expectations that I have and that I do expect them to do all they can to meet those expectations. I treat them with love, caring, respect and honesty at all times. I use my patience to best effect, though I will freely admit that I don't have as much as I once did. You can chalk that up to the actions of people who have tried (and in some cases, succeeded) to use me or my nature to further their own selfish ends. Their submission and dedication to me is a precious gift; one that should be handled with care, and I strive to do that. That's my responsibility as a Master.

As one's Master, I fully expect that person to be able to care for herself and be responsible for her actions, because if she cannot respect or take care of herself, how in the *hell* can she respect or take care of me?? I do expect to be placed in high priority in one's thoughts and deeds, second only perhaps to the girl's family. I expect honesty at all times and in all forms, because honesty breeds trust, trust breeds respect, respect breeds affection, affection breeds love. She can come to me with anything of import she needs to discuss, whether she is looking for my opinion or just for me to listen to her (though it is hard to do the latter, because I am a fixer, and I have to control that side of me with some effort). I strive to be firm in my Dominance but never unyielding. My Dominance comes from my heart. It is a manifestation of my personality (something that goes back many years for me, as I have come to discover), yet it is a part of me that I never utilize lightly.

Right now I am having a tough time because I see a change in how I view things; more jaded and cynical and less optimistic, like I was when I was younger. Living in a world such as ours, its hard as hell not to become more worn down, more tired as life races you through the peaks and valleys, sometimes at breakneck speeds and not giving you time to adjust to what is going on around you. Year after year it comes at you, faster and faster while you progressively are becoming slower. I remember how depressed I was when I turned 30 and subsequently 35; that time in your life when you had dreams and ambitions and unlike the lucky few, you had not realized them for one reason or another. Reasons that seemed acceptable at the time, but now seem like feeble excuses.

Gods above, I pray I don't get that way again when I turn 40.

6/16/2007 11:15:45 PM
I have been getting a lot of compliments on my journal here.. never mind I haven't put anything here in two years. I mirror my logs on yahoo 360 and myspace, respectively.

6/4/2005 12:42:26 PM
Things have been moving along rather steadily over the past couple of months.. Work is fine, though my roommate's son is in the hospital with a rare arthritic disorder, the poor little guy.. its sad that something like that strikes a child before he is even two years old... These things happen and life isn;t fair, I know all of these things, but it still tugs at my heart strings to see it...

3/21/2005 9:34:01 AM
If there is one thing that drives me up a wall and onto the ceiling, its people who either don't know what they want, or say one thing that do another. I have been on something of a bad streak in finding someone new in my life. My profile is pretty plain and straightforward, in that I am polyamorous and a sexually oriented Dominant. Yet, there are those who say that they can accept who and what I am, but after several weeks or months of communicating through emails, then chatting online, then talking on the phone and then meeting r/l, all the way answering questions about my particular expressions of the lifestyle, after establishing the parameters of the relationship and that I do have others that I have relationships with, all of a sudden I hear "I can't handle this." Its frustrating, to say the least. Its almost as if the person whom I get involkved with thinks that she can be everything to me, and I won;t have a need for anyone else. If I was like that, chances are I wouldn't even be in the lifestyle at all, as I would have married my fiancee eight years ago, and been happy being with just her. I know that everyone isn't into polyamory, and its not for everyone. But I do place that information about myself on here and a couple of other BDSM websites for a reason. I want to be honest about who and what I am, so that there a few if any surprises. Its frustrating to spend that time and energy and emotion, only to have it returned to me like a bad Christmas gift after the holiday is over. Know who and what you are and what you can handle, people. It makes things easier in the long run.

2/21/2005 2:33:34 PM
Its been almost three months since I have written here, with good reason. I have been in something of an emotional tailspin of late. I ended my relationship with my primary submissive last month and that in itself has been difficult, almost too much so. Its hard to end things after five years, but I honestly did not see a future between the two of us, or at least one that I would have been happy in. I have tried to explain it to her, and I hope with all of my heart she understands.

Add to this that I have been feeling off-kilter, as if everything is just slightly  out of phase. Things have been difficult for me at work, I find myself barely enjoying the things that I normally love to do, and that in itself causes emotional and physical inertia. Yep, I am one depressed Panther right now. I just have to ride it out and see it through to the end, and come out the other side.

12/4/2004 10:10:14 PM
I will be 36 today. I still can't get used to that. Its strange I know, but I don;t feel my age, as if there is a certain state you;re supposed to feel like when you are in your middle thirties.

As it has gone for the last several years, its a time of reflection for me. A lot of things have happened over this past year, some of them good, some of them not-so-good. I do my best to keep things in balance and perspective. I do my best to grow and learn from the experiences that life hands me.  Every day I strive to be a better human being, a better man, a better Dominant, and a better Master to some. ::chuckles wryly:: I haven;t gotten many complaints, so I must be doing something right.

I look to the horizon and wonder what the future holds for me. At the same time, I try not to peer too far ahead, as I tend to trip over my feet when I do so. Life can be and is a strange and wonderful thing.  I wonder what is to come....

9/12/2004 8:57:30 PM
Another week has gone by, and I am in my wounded animal stage. After something adverse occurs to me, I have shut myself away from those around me and crawl off to lick my wounds, emotionally. It hurts those who are close to me, and it raises their concern level greatly, but this is an instinctive reaction and in the end, I don't have very much control over it. Its part of my healing process. In a way, it is better than walking around with this big, raw emotional wound, though the cost can be tremendous. All I can is what I can do, and nothing else. I should be happy. I have my own place, a good job, reliable transportation, and those around me that love me and see to my happiness as best they can.... why do I feel like its all just out of reach?

9/5/2004 4:34:29 PM
A good and bad week for me.... While I have reaffirmed a relationship that I have had for years that has been on and off, I lost two in exchange. Both of them started very fast, one even lasted a year, but in the end they both burned themselves out. One was with someone who was new to her submission and the lifestyle in general, and in the end she could not handle my polyamory. The second was with someone that I had an almost instanteous bond with from the start, and our relationship grew exponentially. But in my view and by her own admission, she thought too much instead of trusting me and that things will work out, and it seems that she convinced herself that a relationship with me was not the right way to go. Maybe this is a sign to me to slow myself down, despite what my dominance and my heart and my desires tell me. Being a fire sign, I have to bank those flames inside me, and not let them rage out of control, lest they consume what has been built between myself and a submissive or slave. Life's lessons are hard, and they hurt. A lot. Lets hope I have learned this one, because I cannot give of myself to that degree and have it given back to me in this manner. I know what will happen if it keeps going this way; I will have nothing left.

8/25/2004 10:10:37 AM

Well, I am in my new place. A nice, two-bedroom apartment in Ann Arbor. Having all of this space is definitely something I am going to have to get used to. The freedom to do pretty much anything I want to within these four walls, and not be subjected to others' pain, frustrations, and manipulations is a liberation so grand that I am having trouble fathoming it. I will grow accustomed to it, and even like it in time. Right now, its like being locked in a closet for a long time and then being brought out into the sunlight.

Things are going fairly well with my girls, and I am hoping that they continue that way. Loving and being loved by others is a wonderous thing, though one of my girls said to me during a visit that she thought I was gathering multiple submissives to me as a protective measure, to save myself from being hurt by one person. While I see her point, I am not afraid of being hurt. If anything, by having so many in my life I am opening myself to a greater chance of being hurt, because there might be (though I doubt it) the chance of one of my girls coming to me and saying that she wishes to be released because she cannot take not being the only one in my life. I put my heart and soul into my relationships, no matter what the level it is. Friends, lovers, submissives, slaves, I give it my best. Do I have fears? Hell yes! But the time comes when I have to acknowledge the fact that I am afraid and set it aside and do what needs to be done. I struggle with my fears contantly, but they do not rule my life. To have that happen is to truly experience a living death.

8/1/2004 7:18:28 AM
After receiving an email from someone on here (and thank you very much for the kind words), I realized that almost three months have passed since I have entered into this journal, so I think had better get to it.

The job is still going well, though I damaged my delivery truck on an overhang at one of my stops this Friday past. If there is one thing I hate, its screwing up. Everyone at work says not to worry about it, and that is what insurance is for, etc. They're right, but one thing about me is that I hold myself up to very high standards. Sometimes impossibly high. I can be very hard on myself if I do not meet those standards, even if no one else is being hard on me. I feel better today, as one of my slaves came over last night, so Monday will be faced with a clean slate.

 My relationships are going well, even though I messed up there as well last week. I met someone who I have not talked to in a long time, and despite both of our best judgements, we followed our hearts and she became mine as well. Seeing how I was out of touch with most of the rest of my girls for a few days while this took place, the crap hit the fan when I got back. I realized that instead of doing the adult and responsible thing and notifying them where I was and what I was doing, I acted like I was 16 and fearing emotional reprisals, I kept it hidden.

 That wasn't one of my best moments. Even though I may be Master of six slaves, and they have placed their trust in me, that doesn't mean that I will make the right decision all of the time. I am fallible, and I will make mistakes. It is how you face up to those mistakes that really makes the difference, and I owned up to it. Being in this lifestyle and being polyamorous on top of it, I really have no choice in the matter. And seeing as I treat my slaves as human beings that I love and care about deeply, it is what I have to do, day in and day out. They may be slaves and they have surrendered their souls to my care, but that does not mean that I can or will take that trust and pervert it into something potentially hurtful to them. I may take full control of their bodies, minds, and/or hearts when the situation calls for it, that doesn't mean I am going to willfully trample on them just because I am their Master. With great power comes great responsibility, and I am finding those words to be more and more true every day.

 As to dealing with my mother being gone, that can be something of a struggle at times. The insurance policy has enabled me to buy a more reliable car and I will be moving into my own place in three weeks. One of my girls said to me a couple of days ago, "I wish that I had the money you have so I can take care of my debts, Master." I said that she wouldn't want it, seeing as the price for that money is that you can never see your mother again until you yourself pass away. Needless to say, as she loves her mother very much and she has been having health problems of late herself, she agreed with me.

 I won't lie; its a good thing to be able to go to a nice restaurant instead of ordering pizza all the time, or be able to take a trip to see friends and the like, but in the end, I would give it all back if it meant that my mother was alive and healthy. I miss her terribly.

5/9/2004 5:47:19 PM
Now the emotional roller-coaster begins.

I have always been a man whose emotions don't kick in until after a particular moment. In this instance, its now a month past my mother's death and my emotions are going up and down. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm not. What makes it worse is that I know it makes it difficult for those who care about me, because at one moment I am holding onto them with both hands, the next I am pushing them away.

::sighs:: All I can do is weather the emotional storm and try to be consistent. Not easy by any stretch, but I have to do it. I severely dislike hurting those I care about.

4/18/2004 9:44:24 PM
Its been over a month since I have entered in this journal, so let me catch things up:

My relationships have gotten better for the most part, and I found a stable job (finally!!!!). Everything seemed to be going in the right direction, when the bottom dropped out.

I got a call from my aunt. I usually don't hear from her unless its bad news, and this time was no exception.

My mother died after a long battle with cancer.

When she told me, everything stopped for a long, long moment. I knew my mother had had cancer, but I didn't know until after the fact that during the chemotherapy treatment of her uterine cancer, another vicious kind of cancer developed. This was the classic case of the cure being worse than the affliction. She took a turn for the worse, and she passed on Thursday, April 8th, 2004.

In the years since I left Connecticut to make my own way, my mother and I developed our relationship from mildly antagonistic to more of two adults becoming friends. She was the one person in my family that I felt really close to, as the rest of them, quite frankly, can really get on my nerves.

So after making arrangement with my new job (big props to them because I was hired only a week before my mother passed), I hop a plane and go up to CT. The next five days were rough, but I got through them... it was good to see the family and some of my childhood friends, even though I wish that it was under much better circumstances.

So here I am, three days after watching my mother's casket being lowered into the ground, and I am feeling strange... I feel the loss to be certain, but I feel a certain level of.... freedom. Its as if my perceptions on things have altered ever so slightly, and I can see things that were obscured from view before. When I came back home, I felt my Dominance rise up to levels it has not acheived in years. What this portends I am not sure, but I am not going to question it, either.

Time is going to tell... I miss my mother, to be sure... but as to the long term effects of her death will have on myself and the family, we will see.

3/11/2004 11:09:01 AM
Well, things are better, if only slightly... I'm finally working again, I met a submissive that I have met from here and things are going quite well there.. D and I are doing very well.. So why am I feeling down?

After having to deal with tending to my roommate's wife this morning, I realize that I have to get out of here if I am to take any steps towards true happiness, much less save whats left of my sanity.. I moved up here to Michigan to be part of a poly family, but that has long since fallen apart.. This is one of those decisions I made that I truly regret, coming up here.. There have been some positives, but the negatives outweigh them.

I wonder what I am going to do to carve out a niche for myself.. I'm considering all of my options, and there are a few.. but what to do...

2/26/2004 12:20:30 PM
Life continues to go up and down, and change speeds like a rollercoaster. D came to visit me and that has been the brightest spot in my life in a long, long time, quite possibly since I left Florida to come here to Michigan.

I am lucky to have someone who accepts who and what I am, since the majority of submissives I know and have talked to prefer a monogamous Dominant just on principle. I respect that, but to be more or less rejected out of hand without getting to know me is rather frustrating, and more than a touch hurtful.

I am trying to stay positive about what I am going through right now, but it is not easy, to say the least. Thanks to a little email from silkenbutterfly, I feel a little better today.

2/3/2004 3:35:32 PM

 Well, a month has gone by in the new year, and things aren't going as well as I like. About the only thing that is going well is my relationship with D. I find it interesting in a way how r/l events and trends can have such a profound affect on one's Dominance. My own has been rather supressed of late, as being out of work for more than a month, being in a difficult living situation, and relationship problems have all contributed to this.

 There was a time where I would be on IRC to chat with friends and make new ones, but that activity has paled somewhat. I have withdrawn inside myself for the most part, and I am struggling to find the next step, to get out of the emotional morass I find myself trapped in.

::chuckles:: forget one day at a time, right now its one minute at a time. I am trying to keep my head above water, but its not easy in the slightest. Lets see what this month brings..

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