"I like hurting girls and making them cry".

A very endearing thing to read in a mans profile.

I read this in a profile tonight:

"Been a dom for 10 years and had a number of subs, are you interested in learning more?"

What do you think?  If you read a profile that said:

"Been a sub for 10 years and had a number of doms, are you interested in learning more?"

Would it excite you?

Doh.

An old friend said:

"I've noticed a very high hit rate on Google pic search of for lesbian dominants.

I think its an attention thing........ a fat middle aged man with no natural charm or personality how much attention will he get on here?

Go to Xhamster gallery and pick a greater titted pussy bird pic add profile and your mail box will explode and you can talk hot sex with women who would not piss on you if you were on fire in boring old man mode.

... usual acid test is asking for cam or an iphone pic."

The idea that fat middle aged men are on here posing as lesbians has just brought the net saddo thermostat in my flat to crashing through the floorboards.

Does anybody know a carpenter?

He sent me about 8 messages.

I didn't reply because I was talking to a rather hot and rather interesting lesbian.

When she went to bed I replied saying,

"It was nothing personal, I was just talking to a very interesting lesbian for a few hours".

He replied, "I bet she was not a woman".

I replied, "She was".

He replied, "How do you know?"

I replied, "Because no man can talk for three hours without mentioning sex, bdsm, my figure or can I send a plethora of photos to him".

He replied, "Ah the ultimate torture for a guy, the hot lesbian.  But then it's collarme so it's probably a fake hot lesbian".

I said, " You seem absolutely desperate to prove she was a man?"

He replied, "OK test, has she got a picture on her profile?".

I said, "Yes, she has".

Edited to add: So cynical for one so young, and so right.  Four days later, after demanding my attention day and night 'UKBitch' deleted her profile the minute I suggested meeting. A saddo barometer gone mad.

I received this message... 

"Ok , well I was on my way home. And was trying to reply to your message whilst stopped at traffic lights :)."

I replied maybe when he was at traffic lights he should concentrate on the roads and not texting on his phone, since people who view their mobile phone as a necessary part of driving are responsible for a large number of accidents on the road, if not deaths.  He replied:

".. on the move your (instead of you're I assume) right ........ stopped at traffic lights is like people who get things out of their bag, put lipstick on in the mirror, open a chewing gum....."

Comparing himself to other bad drivers justified his own bad driving?

I hope I am never sharing a road with him.

What is it about this message which seems to have put me off the writer?

"Ok , well I was on my way home. And was trying to reply to your message whilst stopped at traffic lights :)."

I love it when people tell you that you should not give out your number because it's d-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s.

What is the worst thing that could happen if you give somebody your number, they might phone you!!!

It's strange how single men don't mind giving out their numbers but married men don't, its always married men who want to warn me how dangerous it is to give out my number.

Nope, it's not.

I guess it is dangerous for them, their wife might answer.

Tonight in conversation with Skiaiki

.

He wrote me a very erotic mail, which did turn me on and I said, "That is very erotic, but you are married so I am not interested you".

He replied that he wasn't married.

I replied, "That's brilliant I can come and stay with you".

He said, "Yes, when would you like to come?"

I said, "Give me your landline and I'll ring you to arrange it".

Oh, he said, "I can't, I am in a hotel room trying to work".

No worries, I said, give me your landline and I will ring you when you are back home.

"Well there is a woman at home but we are just friends", he said.

That's great, I said, I'll come down for the weekend then.

Silence.

"There seems to be a problem now I've asked for your landline, I'm very surprised, I believed you weren't single and just live with a friend, I am quite shocked".

"Well.... I am married to my friend", he said.

"That's ok" (I assured him), "When I was married but not yet divorced I lived with my husband and we were friends.  We used to take it in turn to babysit and the other one would go out with their new partner, it's great being friends you can support each other, I can't wait to meet you friend-wife.  That's what friends do, they like it when their "friends" find someone to have a relationship with, I said.

"Well she is my wife, it would be akward", he said (Oh I thought she was just a friend, you said earlier you just lived with a friend).

He then added: "I am married, well maybe I should have just fibbed to you".

You couldn't make it up.

In memory of the fact that you showed yourself to me today, and I remembered you went back to Frankfurt this day 18 years ago.  You would like this:

"A man once asked Mozart how to write a symphony.  Mozart told him to study at the conservatory for 6 to 8 years, then become an apprentice with a composer for 4 to 5 more years, then begin writing a few sonatas, pieces for string quartets, piano concertos, and in 4 or 5 more years he would be ready to try a full symphony.  The man said, "But didn't you write a symphony at age 8?  Mozart replies, "Yes, but I didn't have to ask how".

For the second time today you put Mozart in my way.  I know.

I've decided to throw out my three drawers of BDSM equipment and one large plastic box filled to overflowing.

Let's face it, you don't need all this stuff to be celibate and I could use the room for something else!

Tell me about yourself he said, he with a profile of eight words not even saying where he lived.

I replied, my profile has a lot about me and yours has nothing, why don't you tell me about yourself, because with a profile like that, you look married.

"I'm divorced" he said.

"You don't look single to me, not with that profile, why are you on here, can't your girlfriend do it or something".

Client exited.

Something I said?

The profile of tyu is 285 lines long! 

He's written a profile of approximately ONE THOUSAND AND EIGHT HUNDRED WORDS!!!!!!!

My favourite memos tonight:

I have read your last journak entry and at the risk of being to late I would suggest lightskybleu as the colour for the remainder of the kitchen. By the way I had not thought you would role over that easily and go with the majority vote in regards to the colour. Reading abiout your ex husband I don't think i would have let him in and paint my kitchen. I would have painted him in every way I could. I can't help myself but I must react to your remark about not being a "grey" person. "Grey"as a reference to "dull" I am glad you are not a grey person, in regards to your kitchen there are at least 50 different shades of grey I have read somewhere.. And in regards to my last remark. I hope not being a grey person has nothing to do with your submissive side?

and:

Have you started your appeal to the House of Lords yet regarding the size of paint tins?

and:

Good morning :) I have just read your profile B&Q should have offered you a paint mixing service So you can have any size tin you want :) 

In answer to the first comment, although it was my ex. it was not my ex. husband.  My ex. husband said the colours I chose were shit, but his filing was shit and I didn't comment about it.  It was my ex. boyfriend who shit upon me from a great height being a player and breaking my heart, and smashing it into a thousand tiny pieces that painted my kitchen.  As I said before, this has only happened because I am not bitter.

Anyway regarding the last point.  B&Q should have offered a paint mixing service, well they did, but they said they couldn't mix that size of paint tin with that colour because it was only available in another tin because that is the size tin for a feature wall, honestly, are you not listening, do I have to keep repeating myself.

Today my ex. (the one I am not bitter about) and my plumber (who usually turns up says, put the kettle on and "I don't feel like working today), all decided I should have one feature wall on three walls, and make the feature wall a light grey which is almost white.  The colour of this feature wall can be found here added as picture two.

This was a brilliant idea.  I got a taxi to B&Q in Devonshire Road to buy the other pot of coral flair, they said it was out of stock and they wouldn't have any in, but I could try their branch at Wigston.  I then got the taxi from B&Q in Devonshire Road to B&Q in Wigston who did have the colour coral flair.  What they didn't have however was a paint mixer shaker to actually mix the paint.  I then had to get them to make up the paint and get a taxi back to B&Q in Devonshire Road, present them with a pot of the paint and then get them to shake the already mixed paint.  It only cost me £40 in taxi fares.

The moral of this story is I should learn to drive or find a man that can drive (both are impossible dreams!).

To anyone who signed the petition.

He was released from detention tonight.

Thank you for your support and your caring.

Someone just suggested I have a green kitchen.

I like green, but no.

I have seen the film "Sibylle" with Sally Field.

No way am I going to have a green kitchen.

OK back to the kitchen issue.

I have received a number of memos saying blue IS a shit colour to paint a kitchen, and one memo saying, "Go on paint it blue".  I thought it would look quite nice actually but I have given in to popular opinion.

I brought a tin of Coral Flair (Dulux - look it up).  I said "Doesn't this come in a bigger tin", oh no, said the lady, "You can only buy a small tin, it's for a feature wall".  I said, "What if I want a bigger tin, what if I want to paint more than one wall", "Well..." , said the lady at B&Q, "You can't do that, it's for a feature wall, you can only buy a small tin of paint for the size of one wall".

When did that become law, can I appeal in the House of Lords?

It's very bright but very lovely.  I was going to defy the law and buy more tins to paint the whole kitchen in it, but maybe David Cameron is right, maybe it would be too much over all the walls.

So I painted it a light grey.  Well, the girl in the Q in front of me ordered it and I said, "I'll have what she's having" and when I say, "I" painted it, I mean my ex and his son, the ex that cheated on me and played with lots of other women and shit on me from a great height and broke my heart.  I am lucky I am not bitter.

Anyway, the girl in the Q in front of me has made a mistake, it's too light.  I now need to buy the next shade darker, well, the units are going to be white, if I have a really light grey it will all fade into a greyness.

Someone else said that will be nice, it's not.  I am not a "grey" person, I don't like pastels, I don't like homes which are painted top to bottom in Magnolia with a white sofa, or cream or white with a white or cream sofa and there is no colour and you feel like quite possibly you died, went to heaven and are sitting in gods waiting room.  I am a colour person, I don't want varying colours of whites in all the rooms in my house.

OK, so, one wall is finished, its a feature wall, I can't go to prison because I have only painted Coral Flair, as the law dictates, on one wall.

The other is a light grey, too light, I'll buy a darker one tomorrow.  I've got tins of blue babe paint and light grey in my garage if anybody wants them, unopened and unused.

This mornings  mail:

"I thought it was time to restart a relationship with a real sub.  Reason my last sub/slave had died of cancer a while ago, and I was missing the feeling of control I had always had".

?????

You don't miss the love?  You don't miss her, you aren't grieving because she died, she isn't a woman or the love of your life, she is just your "last sub/slave" and after she died you now miss the feeling of control you had when he was alive.

Gobsmacked.

Two people have told me blue is a shit colour to paint a kitchen.

Apparently I need to clarify, I am looking for real life.

This internet thing is never going to catch on.

Instead, let us turn our attention to what colour I am going to paint my kitchen.

I might paint it blue.

I will let you know tomorrow.

Someone told me tonight, "Anyway I doubt very much that you are who you say you are".

This surprised me as I had never said who I was to him, I don't say who I am to strangers.

He followed it up with, "I'm having lunch tomorrow with several of my barrister friends who could find out who you are easily".

My thought was, but why would you want to do that, why would you want to waste your time trying to find out who I am when I am not interested in you?

Is it a hobby I wonder, writing to people who don't want to know you to tell them you "have friends" who can find out who they are!

What is the point!!!!  Has he not taken his medication today!!!

I am not interested in him, I've made it clear I am not interested in him, why would you want to spend your time tracking down someone and trying to find them, when they have no interest in you at all.  Surely you must have something better to do in your life... like basket weaving.

"I am so tired of hearing I'm too young. Especially by a worthless slave. A slave is a piece of property and should not care how old her owner is".

With all the social skills he's called on there, it's hard to imagine why he's single.

What is this about?

WARNING: Any institutions using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - You do NOT have my permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a serious violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this.

Oh yeah right, legal ramifications, they sure as hell aren't going to use your profile because that warning has scared them shitless.  If they do, you alone from your bedsit are going to take on some big institution because they published your profile on a BDSM website are you?  To prove they shouldn't have used it, you are going to take them to court, find a barrister to tell this all to, and then have your case published over and over again in the gutter press and making various news programmes as the girl/boy who tried to stop a university using their profile from a BDSM website are you, and to prove your point all your friends family and neighbours, not to mention work colleagues will then get to hear how indignant you feel about your BDSM privacy being invaded.  Oh do grow up and get a life.  Use a false name, don't you realise, nobody cares who you are, they are just having a laugh at your expense.  

As for "It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this", is it, recommended by who?  People who need to see their GP and get their medication topped up?  Do you always take instructions from people you don't know, can't see and have never met?  Next week I am taking all my instructions from a pebble on the beach.

This I really liked....

Hello Red,  I was shocked to read of your tampon/vibrator dilemma, more so that it was not a one off and seems to be a recurring theme. If it happens again, I would have no problem helping you out. I don't have any medical training, but I'm sure I could muster up a lab coat from somewhere and look the part, and I have done a basic first aid course, so I'm practically a professional.

"Hi, I'm John, pleased to meet you, how often do you wear diapers?"

Ever heard that phrase, you never get a second chance to make a first impression?

Have a look and see if you like my profile....

"Mature dom male ... looking to make contact with intention of real meets, willing to travel throughout midlands to meet willing subs... travel to both London and Scotland on a regular basis and looking to meet while there... I will be spending one night a week in Ellesmere port and one night a week in Manchester.  If anyone wants to meet up,  monday night in Ellesmere port, Tuesdays in Manchester."

I hate it when they play hard to get.

This morning I was sent this memo:

"I know I should be a gentleman when first aproaching you and talking about myself, my life but right now, viewing your profile all I want to know is.... Do you enjoy rape fantasies?... The primative act of being taken.."

nothing particularly wrong with this, or asking me if I am into it, except... the man in question lives in California, USA.  Surely to rape me from California is going to take quite a lot of organising, flight times, jet lag, me meeting him at the airport, and it's going to hard to work on the suddenly being taken and raped, after we've spent weeks if not months organising for him to come over here?  Isn't it?

Or did he just want cyber?

There are quite a lot of men on here searching for pen friends I've found.  I had a pen friend when I was 16, maybe they just missed out on the "pen pal" stage of their development as teenagers and are trying to make up for it now? 

Should I meet someone who 'Lives for ... "Pilates"' ?

oh yes.... forgot to say.... and I got this ...

Good Afternoon I am known as the Daddy DOM of DC, my peers call me Loren, but you may address me as Sir. I am a single black man and have been a DOM for 30yrs. I live in the Wash. DC Metro area and I am looking for a like minded sub or slave to mentor or train for service; if you are open feel free to contact me at this address or ...

He lives in "the Wash"?  Is he the monster at the back of the washing machine that eats odd socks?

I received an introductory memo today, all it said is:

"How's u subbi"

I didn't reply.  Do you think I am being too fussy?

p.s. I have very sensitive nipples... if that interests you at all.

I am very tired, why am I up writing this shit.

First I got talking to a man in Essex who said I lived too far away in Leicester and asked if I was dressed to go out in the photo I sent him.  I said yes, I was off to Ann & Rolys fetish club in Essex, I used to come down every month.  Unlike him I could make the distance from Leicester to Essex, because for him he said the distance was just too far to come and see me, bless.

The second man was really interesting to.  Asked where I lived in the Midlands as he was coming to visit his children here.  I asked how old they were and he told me, and I said "ok" and he said "right" and hung about waiting for me to ask more questions about his children and when I didn't exited the chatroom.  A  lesson learnt for me, always ask more and more questions about his children even though he has no interest in your life.

So there we have it, managed to lose two seemingly amazing men tonight.

I dropped this walnut whip on the floor.

I'm still going to eat it though.

That's what I am reduced to, and you can all take responsibility for me comfort eating...

I dropped a radiator on my toe.

No, really I did.

Flucloxacillin.

I received this memo tonight:

"Oh boy, you had me at filing. I love a girl with filing skills. "

I now believe my ex husband was wrong to leave me citing my only talent as filing, since he clearly underestimated how much of a pulling factor that is.

ToyDollKeeper lives in Georgia, what a shame, he has this on his profile:

"If you have enough brain to remember to breath in and out, that is enough."

I qualified for him as well, it's the same old "other country" problem again.

p.s. It's given me an idea about other things I could add on my c.v. though.

I've just had a man suggest meeting me next week because, "I'm free then as my family are away"!

Now what about that sentence would put me off?

(Taps fingers on desk and has a good think).

You men have stiff competition out there from the real charmers on this site.

I have recently had a few conversations with a man whose profile name is "YouAreAllFaakes" and his entire profile is dedicated to slagging women off and telling us how we are all fake and there is nobody worth it on this site.  (?).  I've reprinted the conversation for your amusement you to see what tough competition you are up against:

Me: "Have you ever thought of anger management?"

Him: "Would love to but my time is almost entirely taken up with my course in understatement, my profile being an example thereof..."

Me: "Is your profile title an attempt at reverse psychology i.e., you get hoards of women all desperate to prove you are wrong!  Clever tactic".

Him: No, sweetheart. It's an 'attempt' at exposing the truth of life on CM for genuine Doms... and also to remind the army of fake fem subs, yourself presumably included, that they are absolutely and royally sussed..."

Me: I can't think why you're still single.  What could you possibly be doing wrong I wonder? 

The last time I hadn't had a shag in agessssssssss I decided to sort it out myself with my vibrator.  I shoved it up as hard as it would go and forgot that I had the painters in and had a tampon up there, which I then couldn't find.

I have done this before and in the past I've asked my ex husband to have a root around and see if he can find it.  The last time however he got all moody and said as we'd been divorced for 13 years he really didn't feel he had to do this job anymore.

His selfishness meant I had to go to A&E and explain what I had done, and the doctor asked me exactly how I got it up so far, and it was very embarrassing.

Does anybody care?  Can't I at least find someone to have a root around the next time to save a trip to A&E?

It is not true that I never talk to anybody who is not worthy, or nice, or attractive, or sexually compatible.  I do lots of times.

Why do they always live in another country ?

This has been one of the most stressful and worst weeks of my life.  To everyone who has taken time to sign the petition and reveal their inner humanity, thank you.

I think I'll go for a wank now (yes I am female, we do wank to).  I'll fantasize that things will get better and I'll meet someone who can actually meet real time and do this stuff instead of yet (yawn) another man seeking a cyber fuck.

A profile consisting of one line, with six words in.  I comment it doesn't say much, one line with six words in.  The writer replies: "Are you good at English then".   Why have I lost my raison d'etre?.

A profile which states "must be discrete".  Does he think I am going to walk into his office in latex with my hands tied together?  Does he think because he's put "must be discrete" everybody who answers him is going to be!  I'm going to put "must be sane, humane and reasonably articulate" in mine then, it's sure to work.

A bit of light relief tonight was finding this memo:

How does this sound to you?

You will get on a train. You will be instructed where and when of course. You will wear only what you are told and carry only what you are told (which will be an absolute minimum in both cases. You will have an open return ticket.

You wll arrive at the destination and be met by a car. You will get in and not attempt conversation with the driver.

You will be driven to a more private area and taken out of the car, hooded and placed in the boot. You will then be taken to another secluded location. You will be kept hooded, used and tortured (although not in any way that leaves permanent damage or health risks). When your abusers have finished with you, you will be returned to the station in a reveral of the way you were picked up. Pictures will have been taken to ensure your future compliance.

I have replied, "It sounds like you might need two doctors signatures".

The situation remains the same... I still need a good shag.

Fuck I need a good shag. 

I received this mail today, it made me laugh:

"For one if you're asking a man to give an opinion on paint colour, he's either gay or it's a colour a man has heard of, so a primary colour, we don't really do taupe (whatever that is) ".

I dated a man called Chris Tame, he was the man who brought me into all this.  It was long before collarme or or IC.  He died in 2006 and on his deathbed he said he always wished he had married me.  After he died I told my ex husband, who like me had very opposite politics to Chris, but for a moment, my ex husband looked at the floor, looked sad, bit his lip and said, "he always loved you didn't he", sadly now I know, yes he did.

Tonight, cruising around the net I found a video of him on Wogan.  I remember watching it with him when we were together.  Suddenly I feel sad.  One does not expect to find old videos of an ex lover posted.

We didn't agree politically, it was why we parted, but somehow part of us always stayed together, we did share something unique.  I watched this video tonight and now I feel like crying.  I want him to still be here, to be able to run to his house the way I used to when I had problems, be wrapped up by him the way I used to, and have him cook pasta for me, with the knives and forks he gave me when he left Southampton Row.

Tonight Chris, watching you on Wogan, watching you the way you looked when we were together, the way you used to look at me, the way you held me, the way you said you wish you had married me right up until the end, I feel sad. 
I feel sad hearing your voice again, seeing you talk.  I wish you were still here.

These sites did not exist when you opened me up to this whole world, so here Chris, to you, I am putting you here.  Much love.  xx

http://vimeo.com/7519962