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	Reawakened		reawakenin


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	I have had one long term experience of the lifestyle and one that I thought I could just put down.....I cannot. I crave it, I thrive off it, I enjoy it, I miss it and I have come to accept I cannot live without it. It feeds a desire so deep down that it is part of me. It gives me a feeling that nothing can imitate or replace.... So I have come to the opinion that this is a part of me and something that I need to actively seek in my life to make me feel whole again. I am not looking for an online relationship. I need something more than that. I want the tangible and real. I live a very ordinary life on the surface and to most that know me they would say I am a considerate and giving person whose interest if always focused on others. But like I said thats a side of me the world sees but there is another side that I am wanting to share with my one! i am not going to go into my needs and desires. After speaking to someone I hope we will both know that we are on the same page of the things we both crave from the lifestyle. Equally I am happy to talk to Most people. Being outside of the lifestyle makes you crave it and listening and hearing others if a great way initially to get back into my world.

3/24/2018 5:34:40 PM

💡💡💡💡I feel my best journal entries are those when something instrumental happens and tonight has certainly been one of those nights so in true me style I have to try and make sense of how I am feeling and I do that by writing and letting my thoughts and feelings go. 💡💡💡💡💡
I know what I am. My journey has been long and turbulent enough that in the end I found the happiness that I craved in the lifestyle. I have enjoyed many of my experiences as a Domme and they have given me pleasure that I could only once dream of. I feel lucky to have found that in me and to be able to give that to others that have served me.

I had put the lifestyle down. I had to. It was taking over me with a sense of frustration that was horrible. I had chatted to so many on here and thought I had found what I wanted only to find that many like the idea of the lifestyle but the reality of it was too much. It is sad really as I am sure there are many on here that would love to find someone to serve. Maybe I am just a poor judge of the online spiel that some give. But whatever the reason I tried to walk away. My ideal has always been vanilla to the world but with the twist that completed me. The part that I am certain only the lifestyle can give me. But in my real world I was beginning to think that maybe I could find someone that could plug that gap and make me happy without having to be dominant

🤣😂🤣😂I am laughing out loud at tonight’s events. It really is quite funny! 🤣😂🤣😂

I chatted to someone tonight, a stranger, but from the vanailla world. Well of sorts. He made it clear that he was looking for a domme, so that idea and curiosity reawakened something in me and I made contact. He said he thought I was switch or sub. Now I am in no way undermining that but I felt something inside me that I can not describe. I don’t know if it was anger or fury or upset or what it was but I felt it. I felt like I wanted to put him in a corner and have him stare at the floor for hours. I felt like I wanted to remove pleasures from him. I wanted to deny him touching me. But he isn’t mine. He is someone that I have spoke to and very much in a vanilla sense. A very bizarre twist of fate. He challenged things I said and he had every right to .. he is not mine, we were just two people speaking. Ironically he tells me he has messaged me here and I have not entertained him.... again maybe that poor judge of character and not being able to see through the fantasy seekers on here. He said no to me. Wtf. I cannot tell you how that felt. He has every right to say no to me. We are two people talking but I didn’t like it. It felt wrong but in the circumstance it was acceptable but it made me feel something. 😖🤭😠😲😯

My mind is a daze but the passion I feel inside me is incredible. It’s like an eruption ready to explode. I should harness this feeling. It could create a beautiful moment. I have never been challenged like this before. It’s a whole new dynamic. It’s fuelling me. It’s making me feel excitement and drive and enthusiasm and lust and longing and desire. It’s amazing that I feel I can do anything right now. I feel alive and focused and driven. 🤔😍🤪😀

💡🤨 The irony is my greatest happiness has come from being served and not from bratish behaviour but this was kind of a reality check about what and who I fundamentally am. I need this desire fulfilling. I cannot function without it. And just a conversation has made me realise that. I need to be served and adored and put back on that pedestal. I need all the things that once made me happy and gave me so much joy and pleasure.

💡💡Just wow! Really feeling it and really wanting to be in that happy place again. I don’t think he would be a brat. I genuinely think he feels a need to serve and that has given me hope that such a person exists. Do I think he will be mine? I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s now even possible. I know I am grateful for the conversation we had. I am grateful for feeling that passion again. Just what a night! 💡💡 Here’s to me finding my one. Exciting times ahead I feel. 😀

Now with that in mind maybe i should clarify. I don’t want online. I need real. I want more than casual. I want to grow with someone and share that co dependence. Time to search 😀😀😀😀

3/1/2018 3:20:48 PM

Here I am again..... there seems to be a pattern forming. I get frustrated looking for my one so revert back to vanilla and then that does not do it for me so I revert back to the lifestyle! A funny thing though is that even in a vanilla relationship I still end up being me. That’s so tough though as you can only take it so far without someone thinking you are just weird. A lack of understanding maybe of what I really am. Not that I could ever share that in a vanilla relationship no matter how open minded someone thinks they are. But all is good. Life is on the up again. I took my piercing out. I have mixed feelings about that. It made me hypersensitive which was good but made me want more which in vanilla I couldn’t. Maybe I will get it repierced when I think I am on that path again. I read through my blo* and nothing has really changed about who I am and what I want. I want to do clubs more I think and I want to socialise more and just get out there. I love burlesque so really need to find some way to fill that need. I’ve started chatting to a guy on here again. He has been on and off on here for a while too so maybe he is as much a lost soul as I am. Blah blah blah.... I’m writing without saying anything so will so out and play and update when I have somethin* real to say and maybe more exciting to write about.

10/2/2014 2:15:36 PM

Well the months have past and my presence on this site has been very limited. So what's new in my world????? Well the first thing is I took the plunge and got a piercing..... A clitoral hood piercing. For anyone thinking of it and reading around the topic don't listen to those who say it doesn't hurt. It hurt me... But only for a second or two. But now all is good and I like it. It looks pretty and it does add to sexual stimulation. And I am almost coming up to the time where I can shop for pretty things to change it from the existing bar like thing that it was pierced with. Life is pretty exciting really! I did play with a guy a few times. A sad situation really. After months of looking we met and he seemed to be what I was looking for. But then he had a drink and felt it ok to message me until all hour in the morning. That's so not for me. In fact not only did the sleep deprivation make me grumpy but his lack of respect really made me cross. Onward and upward though......

6/30/2014 7:08:01 AM

Hormones hormones and more hormones! I feel really quite teary but for no reason. Not how could I get rid of this feeling? (Smiling inwardly)

2/9/2014 9:17:15 AM

It's already February and I have decided this year is going to be my year. Having chatted to people on here that turn out to be anything but what they portray themselves to be I have decided that instead of then endless messaging I am just going to meet more people. It's easier to judge someone then and for them to judge me too .... And of course it stops the people hiding from behind a profile making out to be nothing more than a fantasy. Having met two people so far I am quietly confident and optimistic!!!! Here's to 2014!

2/1/2014 7:05:48 AM

Another year has past and another new year back in my fantastic home country of England. New year was as exceptional as last year. I will never take for granted how fantastic it is to hear Big Ben strike in the new year. I will be there in 2014 on the embankment soaking up the atmosphere. To say I am excited is an understatement. So what does 2014 have in store for me???? 2013 was good. I learned alot about me and who I was and accept what I am and what I have to give. I do not want the conventional relationship and feel that how I am as a domme is not what some may describe as typical either. But that's good. I like that I do not fit a mould or have a template. I have not read the rule book of how to be a domme. I do what I feel is right and yes of course I will make mistakes but I would rather that than having a prescribed way of what to do and how it should make me feel. I feel very hopeful and positive about the year ahead. Acceptance of who you are is a fantastic feeling! So what do I want???? I want it all. I want someone who is my friend that I can sit and enjoy coffee with, someone that wants me for all that I am and not just my lifestyle choice. I want someone who just wants to please and for their pleasure to be derived from the pleasure they give to me. I do not want a list of kinks that someone feels are the things they need to make them happy and content. I want someone to grow with and to enrich and for a path to continue for the mutual benefit and pleasure of both. I had a message of someone quite wise..... So I must pinch their description of how they perceived the lifestyle.... It's a partnership, but with a senior and junior partner but nevertheless a partnership where two people thrive and grow and enjoy the journey they both embark on..... Told you he was wise!!!!!! I think it is a lovely expression and for me made me appreciate and confirmed that a domme can learn and gain so much from a sub. For me it's not about shouting and being angry, or being selfish. Of course the dynamic creates an element of self interest but not at the expense of what I considered to be my most valued and cherished possession! 2014... Here I come!!!!!

10/18/2013 6:05:45 AM

Yuk..... It's that awful time of month again where I just feel so overwhelmed and over run with hormones. I feel emotional, I feel unattractive, I feel yuk... Just generally yuk, I feel apathy, I feel longing, I feel needy, I feel tired, I feel drained and listless.

So why am I writing this. It's not for any sort of sympathy. This is something I have lived with for years and have years more to come.

But in a moment of clarity if makes me appreciate the co dependence of the d/s relationship. What I wouldn't do now to have that special one in my life where I can feel pampered and adored and cherished. To have someone just here at my feet. It gives me understanding that being a Domme is not about aggression and anger and taking these awful emotions I feel right now on someone. It's far more more than anything like that. It's that I have nurtured and developed someone to be the best they can be to serve me even when I do not feel my strongest or my best.

Fortunately... It only lasts a few days...... So back to smiley me again very soon!

10/18/2013 5:46:04 AM

Rant time.....

I have had a few messages now that say 'I am married do you mind?. What a stupid question. Of course I mind. I am not here to be the appendage in anyone's life. Neither am I here because you have discovered something in you that you want to 'try before you buy'. I am here for something more than that. I am not rude and genuinely try to reply to any messages I get. So please give me that respect in wasting my time because you are looking for some extra marital activity.

please spare a thought for whoever your partner is..... They probably have no idea you are on here and I know I would be broken if I was the one on the receiving end of it. At least be honest to yourself and your partner. To hurt someone that way is really an awful thing to do.

And finally.... Whilst you are wasting someone times you are stopping the honest and genuine people trying to find what they are looking for.

Rant over.

10/16/2013 3:08:59 AM

I have tried to stay away but cannot. I cannot do vanilla. Having met the most wonderful guy who really should have been everything he simply does not feed this inner most need I have.

So here I am and actively looking for my one.

I do not know what shape or form this journal will take but I will write openly and freely and see where my thoughts run to.

4/1/2013 4:59:55 PM

After some time away and after much thought gathering I feel it is time I get back to the task in hand and chatting to some like minded souls.... And of course hoping to find my one

1/13/2013 7:02:36 AM

Lets try some honesty please..... If you are looking for an online thing then please say that... If you want to just chat that is good too and it you want more then that may be an option... Just please do not lie about it... It is not nice and spoils it for those that a truly here for the right reasons. I am fortunate to have spoke to a few nice people and a few that really have opened my eyes to some of the less that honest people on here. Please do not waste my time and your own.. Your sins will find you out :)

1/5/2013 5:56:55 AM

only 5 days into 2013 and what a whirlwind experience it has already been for me..... i sat after i heard Big Ben chime in the New year feeling as we all do, thinking about the year ahead and where i would go with it..... i love new year.. i love the hope it brings and the energy it gives you to focus on achieving dreams and providing you with new and renewed hope.

so as the fireworks sparkled over the Thames i thought about the past year and what i had learned from it and what i could gain from that knowledge and how i could better me and give something.

my gift was my journal... i wanted it to be out there with my inner most thoughts and feelings and to inspire and to evoke emotions and for whoever to take whatever they wanted from it.....

i never did it for myself or even to get a single response and my honest feeling was surprise when i got messages... and i got some really fantastic messages offering support and advice and so any positive things. i really was overwhelmed.

your devotedly