Well I've been back in the USA (SoCal) for almost three weeks and it is absolutely wonderful to be here.  Terrific to see my lovely submissive again and renew our d/s relationship.  Doesn't prevent either of us wanting a man in our lives though (chuckles).  The weather and scenery here, where she has moved to, is nothing shy of spectacular -  harsh, cold, rocky and glorious with virtually zero humidity.  I have to say that after the humidity in Brisbane I am thoroughly enjoying the climate.  I will be here until 22 July and no real fixed plans - just going to enjoy being here.

-Chuckles-  Every time I run across the phrase "Pet hunting", I get the image in my head of Elmer Fudd with his gun looking into the camera and whispering:  "Be vewy vewy qwiet... i'm hunting wabbits!"  

Got to love this from the questionairre:  7%    Exhibitionist / Voyeur.

Nods sagely: "See I've been telling you i'm shy!! There is the proof!" -chuckles-

You scored as a SWITCH.

  89%    Switch;
  79%    Experimental;
  75%    Sadist;
  71%    Dominant;
  68%    Masochist;
  64%    Bondage;
  50%    Submissive;
  39%    Degradation;
  24%    Vanilla;
    7%    Exhibitionist / Voyeur.

It is refreshing to find that sometimes when you think things are at their darkest that things turn and change and suddenly hope blooms anew.  For the first time in a long time I find i'm looking forward to tomorrow.

***Caution - Blue Warning***

It just seems like there isn't a place for me anywhere anymore no matter what i do.  Plans that were made and that i expected to progress went nowhere.  Keeping busy isn't working, it just gets me from wake up to sleeping.  Just having a bad day.  Could use a friend.

Arrived back in Australia on Wednesday 6 June.  Strange to be back here and having the weather cooling down after being adjusted to the heat in the USA as their summer waxes.

Once i got over the jetlag, I started to miss my girl there.  She's not been around much to talk to as she had a hell of a busy week and weekend.  So I've been feeling a little out of sorts.  I'm sure that will pass though.

Someone who's been out of my life for some time popped his head up last week and it's been nice catching up on news.  Glad things are going well for him.

Keeping myself busy painting DreadFleet  -small naval minitures for a warhammer game - don't ask lol - I got conned into doing it.  No, truthfully, I'm loving doing it.  Have wanted to learn to paint for years and now finally i'm actually getting into it.

In San Diego since 4 May.  Heading back up to thyla's on 15th.  Just having a nice break.  Swimming, spa, eating good food and walks and sight seeing.  Lovely time with my girl in the peace and quiet. 

Arrived in LA on Wednesday 7 March.  I think i've slept the last 3 days straight, pretty much.  I was wiped when i got here.  The past few months have been very emotionally difficult due to life events and so this trip to visit with thyla will be a good chance to rest and recuperate and recharge the batteries before heading back to Australia to try and sort out things there.  Will be in the USA until June, so it's a nice long break.

I'm so tired right now, of so many things.  But i'm thankful too for the people in my life who stand by me through upheaval and turmoil and encourage me to shine.  I head to the USA in March for three months.  I am looking forward immensely to the change of climate and scene and to getting in some serious archery practice.

Why is it that some days things go well and other days it feels like there is a force out there determined to cause you misery and hurt.  Maybe I'm just tired or something?  Been a difficult few months.  I don't always handle change as well as I should, but I wonder if anyone ever does.  And yet again Christmas is almost on us, my least favourite time in the calendar.  That has nothing to do with my belief system, but more to do with the belting life has apportioned to me.  Doesn't help when a good friend is in financial trouble and instead of talking to me is ranting at the world and unapproachable.  I don't know how to reach her and I feel the friendship suffering,  I feel so completey unable to help while her walls seem to remain unassailable.  Dammit, I just feel so sad and alone. Oh well... one foot in front of the other and just keep on going... that's about all I can manage right now.

Whilst being kind and caring and wearing my heart on my sleeve may be a good thing, I'm getting weary of it being knocked to the ground and trampled on, just because people are so fkn selfish.

Do you know how often i'm told I'm "different" on here?  It seems that there is a prevalence of man-hating, cruel Dommes who havent a clue on how to treat a man, let alone one who chooses to kneel to her.

I find it very sad when I chat to subs to find out they are having such a hard time finding someone genuine and worthy to serve.  Sometimes I almost feel a fraud because i don't like to inflict harm, for example, CBT just makes me shudder, that I prefer to love and guide with suitable punishment for poor performance or completion of tasks.  I believe in loving a sub.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, as the old saying goes.  Besides, I love to see a tall fit man on his knees before me, especially as physically I couldn't "put" him there.

When I sub, I like to please.  But I also have a strong need to be nurtured or cherished.  To be able to go to Him and lay my head against his knee and know I will be safe from all harm.

Right now as i heal from surgery i have an overwhelming desire just to lean on Him.  But sadly there is no Him for me to turn to right now.


I guess life sux sometimes.

Home from hospital.  Surgery to remove gall bladder went without a hitch, and i've been pleasantly surprised that i'm not in worse shape.  LOL I could hardly have been as bad as before, but even still, got a bit of bruising and starting to feel the soreness now.  So it's now onto the road to recovery.  No lifting for 6 weeks, and nothing more than 2.5Kgs, and no bending, so if i drop something it has to stay there until someone is around who can help.  Showering is fun, can't dry my legs at all.  Thank God for small mercies like the good friend with whom I share a house. Nikki has been great with helping.  thyla has been a complete wreck with worrying and we spent a lot of time today on voice so she feels i am still around and healing.  Was kinda nice to have such a big block of time where we just hung out and relaxed together.  Only thing better would have been to have her over here with me right now.

Well bytchnikki and I have had a lovely evening with lots and lots of giggles.  Came up to Mooloolaba to stay overnight and to meet a nice Dom/sub couple for some rope work.  The sub of the partnership adores ropes and had expressed an interest in learning to tie, and so nikki was volunteered to be the rope model.  I was keen to observe and though they offered to tie me as well I declined due to this gall bladder pain that won't quit.  It was such fun.  His girl is one of the most delightful women I've had the pleasure to be around in a long time, and her giggle is positively contagious.  I was very impressed with his forebearance in not stepping over the "rules" set for the meeting, though it was clear at times he longed to take a crop to nikki's boobs.  Not only did we have a lovely evening of rope work, but some lovely conversation as well.  All in all, a succesful evening.

Well gall bladder surgery scheduled for Mon 26th Sep 2011.  A lil nervous as they will be putting me in ICU afterwards due to other health problems that may become problematic.  Let's hope i surprise them all and get through with flying colours (touch wood).

However, this week i'm planning some shopping trips.  A visit to the toy store should be fun.  Also going away for one night and gonna rest these bones in a lovely hot spa and totally relax.  Probably be the last chance i get for a while.

Still taking things just one day at a time.  I am enjoying talking to new people as well as renewing some old aquaintances from a few years ago.

Overall the calibre of folk who have contacted me has been very good and interesting and i've learned some new things as well.

With luck I will get an opportunity to observe some rope bondage from someone who loves it and has said I can observe.  Always nice to increase knowledge base, not just from the perspective of what it might be like to be bound that way, but also to learn the hints and tips and tricks of the trade.

**Caution Rant**

What is so bloody hard for people on here to simply reply and be courteous.  Saying hello, even exchanging some emails makes neither of us the property or exclusive interest of that other person.  It's called making friends, or even just acquaintances, in order to exchange ideas, experience and thoughts.

If I've taken the time to write to you, it simply means that something in your words or profile piqued my interest and I felt it appropriate to make some sort of comment.

In some cases it might simply be a few words and a wish that you find what you seek.

In other cases it might be that i feel more strongly, and might even be interested (shock, horror, recoil - someone might be real here!) in opening a dialogue to see what may or may not eventuate.

Be assured if i've taken the time to share information about myself, it's because I'm willing to take the first step and break the ice with you.

So often i see people here complaining loudly and long that nobody is real here.

TWATWAFFLE, there are plenty of real people on the other side of their computer screens.  Sadly though most of them don't have the simple manners or courtesy or social skills to reply.

**End Rant**

Except to add, it's probably good I can't lay my hands on a sub right now, they would be experiencing considerable pain to alleviate my angst.  Not to the point of harm, but right now I could chew nails and spit bullets!!

I know I'm awake because my eyes are open and the sun is out and the birds are chirping.  Making decisions with one's mind in spite of one's heart in order to find what was lost, hurts.  But, shouldn't it better to pay the price of discipline now, rather than the price of regret later?

I have a lawn that needs mowing, some flower beds to construct and a floor to be mopped and feet that need massaging.  Who wants to volunteer?

I share a home with another female dominant.

Who knows, you might find what you need!

Came to the hospital on Sunday 31 July.  As of today was up for 76 hours straight due to the heavy steroid meds and observation i've been under.  Managed to fall asleep only to have the staff lob in to say i'm changing wards.  Barely settled in here and it was wall to wall doctors, nurses and tests.  I am starting to feel like a pin cushion.  Should i mention to them I have no interest in needle play? lol.

Hard to be released when I'm sitting in an Isolation Room at the hospital with them struggling to get my asthma under control and find out what is causing these massive and ongoing attacks. 

The additional emotional stress isn't helping at all.

I wish my girl thyla was here to care for me. She is very good at that.

I hope R is happy with his decision and that good things come to him in his life.

Still, a several years friendship ends. 

Finding it hard not to just sit here and take to weeping.  But i'm strong enough. I'll get through.

Released.       Very sad.       Heart is heavy.

grrr it's like 1.5 hours since i tried to sleep. it just aint happening. I wish my Master would just growl at me or something and shut my noisy head down , I cant seem to manage it myself. And if today was any indication, then i'm gonna be even more ill with shakes and stuff from the extreme exhaustion. So much for trying to finish the packing

It's always amazed me, the effect my Master has on me.  To say i'm "besotted" would be the understatement of the century.  In less than 3 mins today He showed me just how much power He holds over me without even really exerting Himself.  It's more than a little disconcerting to realise how much His creature i really am.  But it's kinda nice too.... or is that ... naughty but nice?  =giggles happily=

Well the hurly burly of Christmas has come and gone for another year thank goodness!  Now we just have to make it through New Year's and then life should settle back to it's usual rhythms and patterns.  A house move is scheduled for January... ewww.. stresstime! lol  But after that with a lil luck I hope to get to the US to visit thyla again.

(Part 1 - Submission) My head’s been going a million miles an hour as I review and evalutate a recent experience here on line. My friends (and naysayers) know I wear capital letters to denote dominant, If you’ve read my profile you should already know that my belief is that one shouldn’t do something one doesn’t understand or have experienced at some level. I think it would make this One a better Domme to feel and be submissive. There I said it. You can all pick yourselves up off the floor now. *laughs* I’ll also state it would take one hell of a man! *grinz* ....

I’ve no idea why but for something like about 6 hours every new arrival to the unowned_subbie_room, when greeting me addressed me as “realneeed” as opposed to “RealNeeed” which is how my name was written. In pm with one of my friends I realised I was annoyed by it. Not so much because I’m the “Lady of the Manor”, but simply because even regulars were doing it and I use people’s names as they write them, I perceived a lack of courtesy and couldn’t work it out. In the end, the quirky part of my nature said “what the hell, drop the caps girl, get down on the floor and have some fun and see what it’s like, let them deal with you in a different form”. So I did. Sort of “if ya can’t beat em, join em”. Rolling around on the floor nattering and just hanging out with the “girls” was very nice, relaxing, exhilarating and fun. They are amazing women. So are the few sub boys who’ve taken the time to assimilate into the room as well, but the majority are, as always, women. It was also fun just to simply flirt and be silly. All women need that in their lives at times. ...  

At this point I’d like to publicly thank kirra, aine{CL} and Arcan (and yes I put the subs first intentionally so put your hackles down you dominants!). They made my time VERY interesting. kirra deemed that this One needed to learn to kneel in a proper and respectful position. (Anyone who could have been behind the scenes with kirra and I as I attempted this would have laughed as much as she did. I was not doing well behind the scenes. It was hilarious) .......  

kirra (and then aine as well got right into it) made me get up off the mattress. No more eating popcorn and having a slumber party it seemed. Told me to kneel, back straight. That I could do. Next (mentally) was more difficult, shoulders back tits out. I believe was the quaint expression from aine{CL}. I think I almost fell out of my mind with that one. Then I’m told to spread my knees. Oh my, oh my. Spread MY knees? Any who could have been on my side of the computer would have blanched and run or died laughing depending on how well they know me. I DID NOT LIKE THAT. Suddenly I was in uncharted territory with a distinct yearning to have an internet disconnection issue. Out on a limb and some bastard had a chainsaw and was cutting it off behind me! ...  

Not sure what happened at that point but it got very serious in my head at that point. ....... 

I still argued in the room saying silly things like “but kirra they’ll see”, "but kirra the Doms, you know, they can look up there". (Those that know me well know I use humour to defuse discomfort) kirra though was having none of it. She was sticking to the exercise to have me follow through with what I asked her to help me achieve. I hereby again thank you kirra. Your strength did sustain me more than you know. So, I threw my heart into this. I chose to comply. And, somewhere deep inside something awoke, looked around and said “hell yeah”. ..........