this was written to me today:You want to be normal I can humiliate, beat, and fuck you till you want nothing more than to listen to my every word If sex is what interests you it's almost 8 inches and thicker than my wrist and if your lucky I might just use you one day for my amusement and your pleasure I have no picture but Im in better shape than the people your friends with on here and I can send a pic.

For further reference this will get you no where. All I felt like do was chewing this guy out for being disrespectful to my friends. I am a fully loyal person so don't be a dumb ass.

well starting a new path or a revisited path. wish me luck.

Seriously need people in my life that can at least understand me  little.....

I let some guys from work know alittle about the real me today and told them to check this site out. Very curious to see thier reactions. They are young and prob will still not be able to grasp most of the meaning behind this, but it gets tiring hiding oneself.

Today I go for my job orientation. I'm so excited, and now that I am back in his good graces I know I will not fail. Thank you.

Apparently I said something wrong. I dont know how I gave attitude. I explained thing he asked about was in a zen like state when I said it. But I am being told I am a smart ass now. I read what I said and don't understand it. And I was told not to contact him till tomorrow. So now I'm suck in a weird thing where I want to know what I did wrong and not being able to find out. I am sorry for whatever I did wrong...

I have recently started to talk to someone who has made it so I have no real desire to talk to anyone else. I am sorry if this upset anyone. Ask questions and I will answer but I honestly do feel into conversations with anyone else right now. where as with him I await him to write at every waking moment. If only I could stop picturing him naked.

It has been awhile since I last wrote on here. I currently live in Naples to help my brother with his baby girl. I am searching high and low for work that just seems to keep evading me. I still feel lost without a master to guide me. Maybe that is why I fail so much. I have still not been trained. I have met a few that claimed to be dominate but were utter weaklings. I have met one that was strong but not sure of himself just yet. Idk if what I am looking for is really out there but what can you do but look.

Today I went somewhere with someone and naturally feel into the sub role. This upset me greatly. I have been told that is what I should of done as a slave. Well Im sorry once again I have not been "trained" and think that by doing this I showed her she is better then me. I might as well have said to walk over to continue helping him crush me more every day. I know part of the reason I did this is because he has always made it clear that to him she is superior. That doenst help. Then to make me feel even better it was thrown in my face by yet another person that I am no one and can be easily replaced. Yay me. Why cant I mean something to someone.

I realized recently that I have totaly lost who I am. I have played the part of sub too well in some ways. I am copies of my doms. I tried to remember what I like and I could only come up with about 4 things that werent pushed upon me by males. It was a scary relization. I love being a sub, it has always been part of who I am, but is there a way to keep me inside better. (oooh good song came on- devil went down to Georgia). I miss the old me. and have put on alot of weight because I havent done the things I enjoy which I was very active. (wholly shit my bro actually woke up) anyway I dont know where to go from here. but I can tell you this I will continue to belly dance again.

I told someone something I had long hide. It made me feel much better. Even though it was nothing bad it still felt releasing. As I stay here with my bro and his wife I needed a release somewhere so I am glad it was there. I am getting a visitor tomorrow and I am very happy about it. I hope I wont say anything to screw things up as usual. 

I can't get over my insecruities. I always feel as though I'm not good enough or too fat, stuff like that. My mind always goes to negatives about myself. It is hard for me to see what a person in thier right mind would see in me. I have let this hold me down and ruin relationships wiether intame or friendship. I always think that someone will find someone beter then me cause I am nothing. I have tried to work on this and I am failing. If anyone reads this and has any ideas how to correct it please send me suggestions. I want to be the person that I should be. I hate failing at this over and over again.

I once thought i had shit figured out. damn was I wrong. Every one thinks they can fix me, fix my life. But no one thinks about me when they try to do this, I tell everyone that I have found the guy of my dreams, so what do they do. I'll find you a "good guy". Fuck you people. yeah my guy is lazy and self centered but he is my guy. You guys poison me with your venomous crap. I dont want to hear it anymore. If he aint good eough for you then piss off. Yeah he will never love me so. Love is loving no matter what. maybe if everyone stopped trying to critisize everyone else and realize you aint fucking perfect either and really looked at the person you supposedly love but want to change everything about them you might realize something. Yes I do want him to work with me to get a future, yes I want him to be more of a bf, but that aint him. all well I love him thats all that matters.

Every day I get closer and closer to my Shadow. And every day I wonder if this is real. Who am I soon to be with. Will I be embraced by the Shadow when he learns all their is to learn? Or will he too cast me away. I hope that I am deemed worthy to stand within this Shadow. Will they all be happy with who I am or just one. Will I be able to make him as happy as he deserves to be? As I fall deeper and deeper into the darkness will He be there to be the light at the end. As I lay my head on my pillow I think of the day I meet him in person and think of all the thing that should be done. are they the right things? Everyone has talked about slaves being trained, I have yet to be broken, do I do anything in this lifestyle right? Is it right that I ask him to be bothered teaching me what should be done, shouldn't I already know. He ask that I don't hurt him, and I know I would never dream it, but will he hurt me? He does not know the things that have happened to me. Will that effect us. Will the others interfere as we get closer. Will I be women enough to deal with them should they come?

I guess I should put on here That I have developed a strong interest in my Shadow, and am  not currently looking to get to know anyone else on that level. I will still talk to people who want to be friends. But my shadow seems to be engulfing me. lol. Taking over every empty second and most the full ones too. consuming more and more of who I am and how my time is spent. ok not good at mushy as you can see so, Peace Out Dude