Another really hard week for this cow.  My mental state is constantly in a dream.  I feel weak when i'm in the presence of my Queen.  I feel like this whole entire week was just a dream and im gonna wake up tomorrow wondering what just happened.  But the dream just keeps on going and going.  I hardly feel the pain anymore when i'm punished.  Its like my entire body is numb.  My mind is numb.  I can hardly think anymore.  the only thoughts in my head are those that tell me to serve and obey the Queen.  I still haven't memorized all my rules yet.  They're so long.  I now have to write them down twice a day by hand.  

The Queen doesn't let me read them anymore when I recite them three times a day for her.  She whips me every time i forget one or can't remember the exact words.  She corrects me as she whips me and helps me remember them. Ive got about 85% of it down.  I struggle with #15, #16, #27, and #36.  I understand that all the rules are important to learn and know.  And it pisses her off when i cant remember them when i recite them three damn times a day.  So i get punished for forgetting them.

I still follow the same morning routine that i put in to the last entry.  I didn't have a whole day off this week.  I was given 6 hours of free time.  I napped for three of them and didn't know what to do with the rest of it.  Even though i was able to go out and do stuff, dress in normal clothes, be and act normal.  All I wanted to do was stay there and serve her.  It was the only thing I could think of that i really wanted to do.  It was the only thing that would bring me pleasure.  Does that sound strange?  I finally have some free time, and all i want to do with it is serve?  

We did go out a couple of times.  One was just a regular date, the other was for humiliation.  She dressed me for both.  The date was awesome.  I wore a really nice black dress and heels (no, im not allowed underwear).  We went to a really nice dinner and then to a night club for a few drinks.  It was a lot of fun.  The Queen was full of compliments and she flattered me all night long.  She was a ton of fun that night and it was really nice being normal around her.  It was hard to call her by her name instead of Queen sometimes, but i got used to it as the night went by.  That night was the first time she went down on me since i started this with her, and holy hell was it absolutely amazing!!!  I came so hard that i cried like a damn baby.  She even let me sleep beside her that night.  I fell in love with her.

The night of humiliation was a way to display my level of submissiveness to her.  I had to show her the extremes i was willing to go through in order to please her even if it meant my reputation or image as a female or human being.  She made me go through three different drive thrus and order food while she sat in the passenger seat fully dressed while i drove around town naked.  She put a big dildo between my legs so it stuck out totally visible.  I went through each drive thru and ordered some food.  I was shaking so bad i could hardly make the order cuz i was so nervous.  these people were gonna see me totally naked with this huge dildo between my legs.  Oh my god.  I wanted to die.  I almost chickened out and drove off, but there was something deep inside that made me go through with it.  I wanted to show my dedication to her so much that i actually sacrificed myself to please her.  

I couldn't look the worker in the eyes.  He opened the window and said 'oh my god.'  then he laughed.  A couple other guys came to the window and even a girl came.  The Queen made me ask them if they liked what they saw, so i did.  i could feel my whole head turn red as i said it.  i felt like i was going to faint.  i paid for the food and drove off.  The Queen felt me between my legs and noticed how soaked i was from doing this, she rubbed me a little and then spread my slime under my nose so i could smell it.  It got much easier as we went through the rest of the drive thru's.  it was something i had never done in my entire life, and it turned me on so much i almost came without even touching myself.  It felt so amazing to do these things.  

Queen says it'll get even more extreme for me as we go along.  I'm still only getting 4 hours of sleep every night.  I sleep in a bedroll on the floor beside my Queen now to remind me how much lower i am than her.  I now have to write out fantasies based on the pictures i find on the internet.  I do that every night before bed.  

Queen also says that my mental training is not complete because i haven't memorized all my rules yet.  When I can recite them 100% without fail, then I will be ready for my body training.  I have such a long way to go.  I don't doubt myself as much as i used to the past few weeks.  Everyday, i feel more and more dedicated to serving my Queen and suffering just turns me on more.  I am constantly horny.  Maybe it's the fact that i'm naked all day every day.  Maybe its because i'm serving my Queen.  Maybe it's because i'm living out a fantasy ive had for a while now. Maybe it's all of those.  All i know, is that I'm loving every minute of this regardless of my body being beaten and exhausted all the time.  My mind on one thing and one thing only.  The world doesn't matter when i feel like this.  My Queen is my world.  My Queen is my pleasure.  My Queen is my everything.  I'm not happy without her in my life.  I love her with all my heart.  And I will strive to be the best person i can be to keep her happy.  She surely has made me happy.  She's given me purpose.  She is my life.  More to come....

This has got to be the hardest week I've ever had in all my life.  I guess the best place to start this is at the very beginning.  Some of this was in last weeks journal so you all know about stripping, and the whipping.  Anyways, after I was whipped and punished and forced to thank my Queen, She had me kneel down on the floor in front of her while she sat on the couch.  She explained that we needed to go through a checklist.  So she read and explained each item on the BDSM checklist and I told her whether I had done it, if I would like to do it, and how much i would love to do it.  The things that turned me on the most on the list were, Mental bondage, pain for misbehavior, serving as maid, furniture, and cook, forced nudity (Public and Private), Housework, Mind Control, Locked in closets and cages etc., orgasm control, bondage, and Humiliation/Degradation both private and public.

This is what caused my entire next day of cleaning.  It also triggered my online public journal and pics.  The Queen has explained to me that my first part of training will be the mind.  Since my ultimate goal is to devote my mind, body and soul to my Queen, the first step is to give her my mind.  She uses sleep deprivation and repetitive words and sayings to engrave them in my head.  So, every night, I must go to sleep no sooner than 3am.  I must wake up no later than 7am.  I've always been used to sleeping a full eight hours so as you all know, it was extremely hard to keep this schedule up.  

The first night went ok, I was still excited and ready to train more, but the second night, i slept right through my alarm.  I was woken up with a hard belt pounding my bare butt.  I was totally freaked out by this.  My initial emotion was pure anger.  I mean, who wants to wake up being spanked with a thick leather belt?  But as she spanked me she explained how I had failed her and how I needed to learn to do this right and if I wasn't serious about it, i should just tell her now so she didn't waste her time.  Of course that wasn't the case.  I took my beating and thanked her and apologized promising that I would try my best from then on.  

So since then, I now follow a daily routine.  I wake up at 7am.  I take a shower and do my hair so I look pretty when the Queen wakes up.  I kneel by her bed until she wakes up.  She always wakes up and looks at me and smiles which just makes me melt.  That smile always seems to excite me in so many ways.  It means I pleased her by giving her something pretty to look at first thing in the morning.  

After she says good morning, I pull out my little notebook and read all the rules I have to follow.  Email me if you want the full list of rules.  They are too long to list here.  I read the rules over and over and over again while she gets up, does her business and takes a shower.  I follow her from room to room while I read them.  Reading them always turns me on and I can't explain why.  

After that, I dress her and cook her breakfast.  Her favorite meal is oatmeal with brown sugar and cinnamon.  I always get what she has but I can't eat until she's finished eating just in case she needs something more like coffee or water.  As soon as I finish eating, I clean her house.  I make her bed, I clean her bathroom, pick up her clothes, do the dishes, and straighten up.  Once a week, i have to dust, do her laundry, iron her clothes, mop the floors, and clean the walls and baseboards.  

three times during the day, at random, she calls me to read my rules to her.  I always have to kneel when I read them and say them out loud and proud when I do.  Sometimes, she makes me eat her out after I read them cuz they turn her on so much.  then I have to make her lunch.  After I eat my lunch, I get to kneel down on the floor beside her and relax a little bit.  Then I have to work out for an hour while she watches me.  Then I usually have to read the rules again and maybe please her again.  After that we play.  This whole week, she's been calling me 'Cow'.  Our play session usually involve me being teased and denied over and over and over again until I'm almost in tears from the denial.  Every time she takes that orgasm away from me, I have to thank her for denying me and tell her that I don't deserve it.  

After dinner, I kneel down and read the rules to her again but this time i have to rub myself while I do it. I'm still not allowed to cum unless she says so.  If I moan or pause from my reading, I get spanked.  I have to repeat the rules 23 times.  I have to start each round with what number I'm on.  If I lose count, I get 10 strikes on my butt and I have to start over.  Every time I lose count, the strikes get harder.  I almost have them all memorized by now.  

Once I successfully read the rules, I get the Queen ready for bed.  I prepare her bed for her.  I undress her.  And then I have to pleasure her with my mouth until she cums in my face.  She wipes her soaking sex with my face when she's done so that I can smell her all night long.  She goes to sleep.

At that time, I have to go online, read my emails, answer some of them, and then I have to surf for BDSM pictures and videos of things that interest and excite me.  I save them in a folder on the computer and she goes through them during the day while I'm cleaning.  She deletes the ones she refuses to do, and she saves the ones she likes and is willing to do.  Usually, sometime during the day, we both go through the pictures and I have to openly explain to her why I picked each pic, how it makes me feel, and how I picture the scenario playing out if I were in that predicament.  I search for this porn all the way until around 2:30am.  By this time, I'm falling asleep on the computer barely able to keep my eyes open.  I do get to sleep in the Queen's bed, I am not allowed covers or a pillow.  Queen says that will change when the time comes.  

For now, I still have one more week of this mind training.  Queen believes that by the end of next week, I will have given my mind to her completely.  My main focus will be to please her and do everything to please her.  All I will think about is Her.  Every move I make will be for her.  Every decision will be decided after thinking whether it will please her.  Eventually, my mind will be fixated on my Queen and nothing else in this world will matter.  So far, i think it's working.  Everyday, I feel more and more devoted to her.  Every time I read those rules, it gives me pleasure inside and out.  Every thought I have is about her.  She never ever leaves my mind.  My whole world revolves around her right now and I couldn't be happier to do it.  

Sometimes the exhaustion gets to me and I talk back.  Luckily, Queen allows me these little outbursts here and there.  She understands the process isn't easy for me.  Most of the time, she can shut me up with a simple glare.  Sometimes, she will just gag me to shut me up.  If I say something harsh enough, I get strapped.  Either way, I regret it.

When this part of training is over, then it's time to focus on giving up my body.  I have no idea how that training will go, but after that, it's the soul.  And to be honest, I don't even know how you can train someone's soul.  I guess I'll have to figure it out when I get there.  

People, I'm really sorry if this entry doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm really tired now and it's 2:25am.  time for bed.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I know this is full of grammatical errors and misspellings.  and it doesn't even go in cronological order.  Please forgive me for that.  If you all feel like I should be punished for this, please send me an email.  The first line should read:  To the Queen:  that way, I won't read it and just let the Queen read it.  She wants to know why I should be punished and to what extreme.  

Thank you for your time and energy.  It's very much appreciated.  Thank you.

cow 

So, it's Sunday and this will be the day that I post my progress.  I told you that this entry would say what my ultimate goal is when serving the Queen.  My ultimate goal is to eventually surrender my mind, body and soul to the Queen.  Give her control.  Let her lead me into a life of servitude.  I wish to get to that place where serving her is not a chore, but an accomplishment and I do it with pride and joy.  The Queen is working hard to get me to that place.  I'm not even close yet.  I have been feisty.  I have been grumpy.  I have disobeyed.  I have failed in some tasks.  But Queen says that's all part of becoming her slave.  

Sometimes I feel a little discouraged.  Sometimes I feel like maybe this isn't really what I want.  Sometimes I wonder if I can even go through with it.  It's really hard.  I never worked this hard at anything before.  I don't know sometimes what keeps me going.  Maybe because I don't want to disappoint her.  Maybe because deep down inside I know I want to become that slave for her/ for us.  I don't know for sure.

All I know is that I'm tired.  I feel exhausted most days.  I stayed up for 48 hours because the Queen ordered it.  After 24 hours of no sleep, she made me work out for an hour.  Treadmill for 30min.  Weights for 30min.  Then she made me shower before she made me clean her house.  All this naked.  I had to change her sheets, dust, vacuum, clean the toilet and shower, mop, dishes by hand, cook lunch and dinner, iron her clothes.  And still serve her when she felt like it.  I had to do her laundry too.

After all that, I was allowed to masturbate in front of her using only one finger until I came.  Then she allowed me to sleep in the bed with her, but I didn't get pillows or blankets.  I passed out for 10 hours.  When I woke up, she let me be normal except I still couldn't wear anything in her house.  It was a nice relaxing day with the Queen.  After asking her why she let me have a day off, she said because she didn't want to scare me away.  It was a good thing because I was doubting it was a good idea that night when I went to sleep.  The day off re-sparked my devotion and my determination to serve her.

So there you go.  Some of you have asked what I was punished for and why.  So I have been ordered to tell you since I am a public cunt and I hide nothing from you.  When I arrived at the Queens house, she made me strip before she let me in her house.  She inspected my body and was angry that I didn't shave my pussy and I didn't tell her what I had promised to tell her which was "Hello, my Queen, I'm here to serve you."  Simple enough, but I was so nervous I couldn't bring myself to say the words.  So for that failure, my butt was whipped with a cat-o-nine fifty times until my butt was bright red.  I had to thank her by kneeling down and kissing her between her legs and tell her "Thank you for correcting me my Queen."  Then she whipped my pussy with the same whip 20 times.  That one hurt like a mother.  She could understand the reason for not saying the words, but there was no excuse to come to the Queens house with a nasty, hairy pussy.  I was then sent to the bathroom to shave it all off.  She said the beating was light because I'm still new to all this.  I can expect them to get worse as time goes by, and trust me, they have.

Thank you for reading my journal.  I appreciate your time and energy and hope I don't waste too much of your time with my words.  I wish you the best.

I Love You Queenqruel!

bitch

So, it's Sunday and this will be the day that I post my progress.  I told you that this entry would say what my ultimate goal is when serving the Queen.  My ultimate goal is to eventually surrender my mind, body and soul to the Queen.  Give her control.  Let her lead me into a life of servitude.  I wish to get to that place where serving her is not a chore, but an accomplishment and I do it with pride and joy.  The Queen is working hard to get me to that place.  I'm not even close yet.  I have been feisty.  I have been grumpy.  I have disobeyed.  I have failed in some tasks.  But Queen says that's all part of becoming her slave.  

Sometimes I feel a little discouraged.  Sometimes I feel like maybe this isn't really what I want.  Sometimes I wonder if I can even go through with it.  It's really hard.  I never worked this hard at anything before.  I don't know sometimes what keeps me going.  Maybe because I don't want to disappoint her.  Maybe because deep down inside I know I want to become that slave for her/ for us.  I don't know for sure.

All I know is that I'm tired.  I feel exhausted most days.  I stayed up for 48 hours because the Queen ordered it.  After 24 hours of no sleep, she made me work out for an hour.  Treadmill for 30min.  Weights for 30min.  Then she made me shower before she made me clean her house.  All this naked.  I had to change her sheets, dust, vacuum, clean the toilet and shower, mop, dishes by hand, cook lunch and dinner, iron her clothes.  And still serve her when she felt like it.  I had to do her laundry too.

After all that, I was allowed to masturbate in front of her using only one finger until I came.  Then she allowed me to sleep in the bed with her, but I didn't get pillows or blankets.  I passed out for 10 hours.  When I woke up, she let me be normal except I still couldn't wear anything in her house.  It was a nice relaxing day with the Queen.  After asking her why she let me have a day off, she said because she didn't want to scare me away.  It was a good thing because I was doubting it was a good idea that night when I went to sleep.  The day off re-sparked my devotion and my determination to serve her.

So there you go.  Some of you have asked what I was punished for and why.  So I have been ordered to tell you since I am a public cunt and I hide nothing from you.  When I arrived at the Queens house, she made me strip before she let me in her house.  She inspected my body and was angry that I didn't shave my pussy and I didn't tell her what I had promised to tell her which was "Hello, my Queen, I'm here to serve you."  Simple enough, but I was so nervous I couldn't bring myself to say the words.  So for that failure, my butt was whipped with a cat-o-nine fifty times until my butt was bright red.  I had to thank her by kneeling down and kissing her between her legs and tell her "Thank you for correcting me my Queen."  Then she whipped my pussy with the same whip 20 times.  That one hurt like a mother.  She could understand the reason for not saying the words, but there was no excuse to come to the Queens house with a nasty, hairy pussy.  I was then sent to the bathroom to shave it all off.  She said the beating was light because I'm still new to all this.  I can expect them to get worse as time goes by, and trust me, they have.

Thank you for reading my journal.  I appreciate your time and energy and hope I don't waste too much of your time with my words.  I wish you the best.

I Love You Queenqruel!

bitch

Ok, so my first order of business was to create this profile.  Let everyone see what a desperate cunt i am and explain who and what I am to everyone.  Then I had to post naked pictures of me and one of my ugly, slutty face for everyone to see who i am too. My next order of business was to surf the internet for pictures that turned me on and pictures of things that I wanted to try and do as a sub to the one and only Queen.  Now I have to offer those pictures to anyone who wishes to see what I'm into so they can see what a psycho bitch i am. Queen has made it perfectly clear that I am a her whore and my soul belongs to her but that my submission will be made public for all to see what a twisted, horny, and desperate slut i really am.  My next journal entry will explain what my ultimate goal is as a slave to my Queen.  tonight I will be punished for displeasing the queen.  

ok so i have my answers.  Queen has made me put this profile up because she will moving her profile to mine for one.  two. she wants me to be a public cuntwhore.  so everyday im supposed to get on here and answer questions, roleplay, send pictures, and take verbal abuse from all the pervs in this site.  i have to keep a weekly journal to tell everyone everything in my sex life to prove that i desire no privacy at all.  

I met Queen at school about a year ago.  I always knew she was gay but she's so intimidating that I was too scared to tell her that I had a crush on her.  We became good friends and about two month ago we went out drinking and i told her that i liked her.  she didn't know that i was into girls.  So we kind of just messed around for a little while and we just started talking about bondage and stuff and i told her how much i loved the idea.  it only took one night of playing to get me hooked.  just a week ago we sat down together and we went over a checklist.  a huge long list with everything on it.  so now ill be moving in with her in two months when my lease is up at my apartment.  it seems fast but worth it.  she is fucking amazing!  i never been so satisfyed in all my life!  Holy crap!  So i hope this answers all your questions, ill try to answer more if you have any.

bye bye