I haven’t been writing in my journal like I had hoped. Even worse now is that I probably am not going to write enough. However, I do believe that doing something is better than doing nothing, I may be wrong, and am fooling myself.

First, pet peeve. I am a bad speller. But I am not horrible. Also, I know how to use a program that has a spell checker on it. I hate people that blog and spell stuff super crazy.

Ok, now back to my journal. Becky and I are still on different schedules. While I don’t hate being on different schedules, I hate this schedule. I feel like I am the one that keeps missing sleep. Also, I don’t see her enough. She is my balance, and right now, I don’t have my balance. I liked it when she worked for this other company and was on second shift. She got home earlier and so we saw each other more often.

I feel like something is on Becky’s mind, but she won’t tell me. That bothers me. But I will give it time and space.

Right now, my oldest son is living with us, and Becky is being a trooper about the whole thing, so I am happy not to have the additional stress right now. Ok, have to get back to work. The son will be pissed already that I didn’t go to the gym, I don’t want to have to miss another day cause I didn’t get my work done.

I know it’s cause we are getting use to the different shifts again. But right now, I feel pretty far from my little girl. I definetly feel like we are starting to slip into the rat race again and forgetting who we are. One thing I do know, vacation is not to far off, and that’s great!! I think we will use, I hope we will use the time to find each other again.

I know that my little girl reads my journals and so I plan on using some space to answer her thoughts from her journal. However, beyond that I choose to write my journal as if it were my mind speaking to anonymous readers. This helps me say those things I wouldn’t normally say.

I don’t think I am being masochistic when I stay up to see my little girl when she gets home. Rather, I am doing it for myself cause I miss the hell out of her. Sometimes I am a bit disappointed because she is usually interested in her computer. Its here way of unwinding, and I understand it, but still get sad, only sometimes.

As to getting my “peter snipped,” I have to say, I often don’t do things for myself. At least I don’t feel like I do. But I have given this careful thought and the idea of having another child and putting stress on me and my relationship, I just don’t relish it. My g/f often leans to the side of not having kids. However, she does not have a fully made up mind. With that knowledge, I have had to weigh the option to get snipped based on my past experiences and her lack of decision. I keep coming back to, I don’t think I could deal with another kid. Often, I feel like I have a hard time dealing with myself. Then I find it difficult to deal with me and my girl. The idea of dealing with all three (a new kid) scares the living hell out of me.  Then there is, what about down the road. To be honest, I don’t have to be the biological father to be dad. I know this, I already have one kid that I wasn’t bio daddy, and trust me, I am more dad, than his bio mom is mom. And Becky loves sex, I am sure I can find a donor. But this way, I know for a fact that I get to make the decision. It won’t ever be, “oh by the way.” I never want that again. And like I said, if I thought we could be adults enough to always wear condoms, well, we’re not, and thank god Becky is on the pill, cause the heat of the moment has gotten us several times.

I do want to make it clear. I never have thought having a child with Becky is a bad thing, not the idea of having the kid. The bad thing is, would Becky be ready for him/her, would I be ready for him/her. Again, at times, (very few times) we struggle to keep ourselves together, a child makes things real hard. Finally, I have left the option to have a child with Becky open. I haven’t said, no way will I ever have a kid again, specially not with you. No, I just said that it won’t be my sperm. But please believe me, being a sperm donor and a daddy having nothing to do with each other. In fact, I am more daddy to Trevor that his sperm donor. At this time, whether or not I like it, Michelle’s hubby is more daddy to Tyler than I am, the sperm donor. Most definitely, Natalie’s hubby is daddy to my contribution. Please don’t confuse the idea of not wanting to be sperm donor and being a daddy one day for equals, their not.

As to having a child now, no, neither one of us are prepared. However, nothing is for sure in this world. And I would think that at some point we MIGHT say to ourselves, wow, we have done everything we can do because we love each other. The only thing missing and the one thing that would complete us is a child. If that happens, I am all on board.

I can’t wait for our vacation together. By the way, I still feel like you don’t tell me everything. Are you having thoughts about others? Are you having thoughts about my play toys? I regret having to ask questions that are somewhat pointed, but I am trying everything I can to direct you to opening your mind. I just have a hard time believing you, a women, haven’t got anything on your mind.

So much to talk about, so little time to say it. I guess I have three main topics to briefly disucss tonight.

Lil girl and I have a pretty open relationship. Open enough that we ‘swing’ alone.  However, sometimes, we don’t think too highly of the other person our partner is swinging with. As a serious thinker, often times over think things; I like to dive in and try to understand the down low of it all. Cause of that, I first take the guy she sees on occasion and try to dissect why I don’t like him. Fact is, I don’t know him, and I don’t hate him, I just make a frown face when I know he is coming over. So why do I dislike him. He comes over when I allow him, he respects my wishes, and he doesn’t want my girl (only to play with for very short periods of time). He comes over and gives my girl what she wants for a stranger. If anything I should be excited to hear how dirty of a little hole she was. My only real guess is that he gives her some things I can’t give her. Funny thing is, I wouldn’t want to give them to her. But yet, I still dislike the idea that someone is filling a need I can’t. What are these needs? To have that fuck buddy that goes away afterwards. Someone that comes in and is only interested in fucking you, nothing more, nothing less. Being lusted after is awesome. Having sex with the “other” person is a rush too. Like I said these are things I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be just the fuck buddy, or the guy that has to leave afterwards because you don’t care what I think. I don’t want to be the “other” guy.

I have a chic I use to see, then she moved away, and now is back. Problem is, Pixie doesn’t like her. She calls her names and makes disparaging remarks. She calls her skanky. But she isn’t. In fact, she is quite clean, her teethies aren’t fucked up. She’s never smelled fishy, if you know what I mean. But again, I think it comes down to human nature. We don’t like the idea that our beloved is seeking out others for specific reasons that we don’t fill. Even if we don’t want to fill. Pixie tells me she doesn’t want to know when this chic comes over. I remember being like that about her guy friend. But I am trying now to embrace the moment instead. Lets face it, part of this lifestyle is for us to get off on the escapades of each other. Pixie, who is at work, just called me. I told her that I could see she changed the sheets on the bed. I asked her if she had someone over today (which I knew she had, she told me earlier). She said in her little girl voice, yes daddy. How sexy is that. I told her she is a dirty little girl that needs to be dealt with. I have a hard cock now.  I want to hear how he slammed her head around. I want her to tell me how she sorta liked it. I got off the subject. She asked me today what I see in this chic. I tried to tell her. She is fun for the short time she comes over. She is clean. She fucks, and then goes home. She only calls once in a while. I don’t have to have an intelligent conversation with her. We fuck. That’s it. And I don’t have to pay for it. Ohh, and I don’t care if she liked the sex or not.

Finally, the last thing I have to write about is pixie’s ferrets. I have been put in an odd situation. Pixie loves her ferrets, and I don’t hate them. But they are truly pains in the asses. The stink up the house. Shit everywhere. Plus they tear things up. A lot of things. Carpet being a big item they tear up. But I know I go to work smelling like musty ferret, even though no one will tell me. I know our apartment smells like musty ferret, which until recently no one would tell us. So Pixie brings up giving the ferrets to an adoption agency. There was lots of crying. Lots of pain. Then it came to, I can’t get rid of them. However it was suggested that maybe I should get rid of them when she isn’t home. That it might be less painful to come home and their just gone. Problem is, I asked, will you be mad at me. She said yes. I don’t like be in this situation. I gave my dog up when we first got together because I knew I wasn’t giving her the attention she needed. But I didn’t put that on her. I just don’t like that she is going to be mad at me. But I have decided. Tomorrow, I take the ferrets to their new home. It is a ferret rescue, so they will be well cared for. And the two that are bonded won’t get separated. But I know its going to be a bad Saturday, and Sunday… I hope she doesn’t read this tonight, because she wants to be surprised. However, a bit of me wants her to know so she can give them a bit of extra love tomorrow before she goes to work, and then she might not be as mad. But I think she is right, she will be better off not knowing. So I won’t tell her I posted a new journal. And I will let the universe unfold as it should, if she reads this on her own cause she keeps checking to see if I wrote anything new, then she will see it, if not she will see it after the fact. I just want her to know, I didn’t do this to be mean. We just don’t have the facility to have four ferrets.  

I want her to know I love her. My goal in life is for her to never question whether she is loved by me, that she will always have that to rest her weary body on. Cause when we are weary, that’s the last thing we need to worry about, who has our back. Baby, I will always have your back.

Frustration: n, the act of feeling balk or defeat in an endeavor.

What this definition lacks is the fact that when most people feel frustration, they give up on the endeavor. I vow not to. Not that I am close, but I want my little girl to know I am in this endeavor for the long haul.

Now, let me say. I don’t think what I have with pixie as sterile as the word endeavor suggest. I was just trying to keep with the definition.

Let me catch everyone up. I like to spank pixie. She loves to be spanked. But I am new to this and don’t have my feet firmly planted on the ground. Plus pixie is damn near a professional sub. She has been in this lifestyle for a long time. With that in mind, it’s easy to understand that most of the guys and gals that play with her know what they are doing. But then there is me.  Have I mentioned lately I’m a noob. Plus, I have this issue, I want to be as good as everyone else out of the gate. I know it doesn’t work that way, but it’s that feeling that drives me and makes me conquer. Now over the past week, I have tried to spank pixie several times. All these times have ended in less than perfect results. Not all of them ended in frustration, just a couple, but my goals were not met. I like watching these people that know what they are doing to spank pixie, cause they make her move in such a sexy way. I get hard just thinking about it.

Enough about that, I think everyone gets the picture. Pixie is working very hard at being a good girl for her daddy. I know she is trying hard to make these transisitions for me easy. She is doing a wonderful job. All daddy’s out there should be jealous. Unless you have a little girl that loves you like she loves me, its ok to be jealous. Her trying hard, makes me want to try even harder. We have had more, and better sex than we have had in a long time. This life is great. It would be nothing without her.

This past weekend we went and met Becky’s dom friend. He is a very nice guy. I’m not sure how much I know about things, but he seems very knowledgable. Later in this post, I think it will become more evident.

     First things first. I bit more about me. I am a thinker. I think about everything. Most of the time, I over think things. There are plenty of ups and downs to an over thinker, but lets talk about one in particular. I tend to want to put a formula to everything. BDSM doesn’t have such a formula. Where this comes into play for me is, when I do something that makes Becky squirm oh so nicely, I store it in the memory banks. Later, even weeks later, I will pull that ‘tape’ out and replay it. Problem is, the replay never produces the same effect. Sometimes, it produces very little results. So I get a bit discouraged.

     Why am I talking about this, because of Saturday, when we went to the bdsm club with Becky’s friend, I tried to ‘replay’ a tape I made about a week ago. It went less than nowhere. Now, Becky’s friend, and I know his name, but am not sure how he would feel about me putting it on the web, so for now we will call him Sir. Sir and I meet because I would love to have Sir train me, mentor me. Funny thing is, I am taking Becky at her recommendation. I’m not sure, but I don’t think all dom’s have resumes. Back to my story, Becky was strapped down to a bench meant for to help create a nice expose butt for spanking. So I spanked. Well, like I said, I replayed my tape. Hmmm, nothing. Actually, her body is expressing unhappiness. Sir saw this, and finally rescued me. At first, when he walked over, I thought to myself, thank god, I don’t have to look like an idiot anymore. I did not think oh thank god becky is going to get what she wants, no, I was being selfish and though, thank god I don’t have to look like an idiot anymore. But then Sir started up. Let me tell you, it was like watching a new shell shucker shucking 1 shell every minute. Then, the ‘Sir’ steps in, and he starts to shuck 30 shells a minute. As well, he made it look easy. I mean really easy. But Becky… Oh she started to do that little girl squirm that told the whole story. That butt raised up, he head bent back down and she let out a moan that gave my cock goose bumps. That’s when I now realized something about Sir. He isn’t a talker… He’s a walker. And he walks one hell of a walk. I later told Rebecca (who is different than Becky) that I was jealous. She was surprised, so I quickly corrected her thoughts. No, I’m not jealous of Sir, I am jealous of his knowledge. I am excited to know that one day, I could command Becky’s body in that manner.

As Sir spanked, scratched, poked, knifed, caned and pleasured Becky, it was like a symphony. It was like a mixture of music, motion and erotic pain. I get turned on by just talking about it. I think I need to go wake becky up and fuck her.

Today is my first day on Collar Me. I overheard my girlfriend talking about it. This is where she was going to write a journal. I thought to myself, this might be a good idea. That way I can look back to the thoughts I had and see where I have come. Silly, I know.

My journal will probably be me have a conversation with myself. Does that mean I have multiple personalities as does my girlfriend? So here we go.

How hard is too hard? This is a question I really seek the answer to. I don’t want to hurt her, or do I? I want to cause her pain, that’s what is likes. I just don’t want to injure her. No going to the hospital. First, how do you explain that. I digress. Last night I was spanking her hard. She wants me to put bruises on her, and I want to mark her. Back to my story. I was spanking her pretty hard last night. I switched back and forth from my hand, to a cane (stingy cane) and a rubber flogger. I got to the point I was smacking her ass so hard that my hand was numb. When I then spanked her with the cane, she was all over the place. I could not read if that meant keep going, or what I more likely though… ouch that’s way too hard. Sadly, no bruises. But no complaints either. So maybe it was as hard as I thought. I know that spacing has a bit to do with it. No, not spacing between whacks. Spacing as in she has gone into space. It seems that when she enters space, I can spank a lot harder. Maybe tonight will be the night. I hope so.