Frequently, when we are talking about domination and submission, I will ask a girlfriend how she feels about being humiliated, and the strong majority will say they are not into it, strongly against it, unaroused.
I will then remind them of the time they were made to fetch like a dog and punished when they werent fast enough, or when they were placed in white stilletos and nothing else, and made to scrub the floor, or when they spent the afternoon tied up, butt in the air, while I fucked somebody else in the same room. "Oooh, I liked that. That was sexy!" they say. "Why" I ask "what was sexy about it."
"Well I liked being disregarded and ignored" or "I liked being embarrased and ashamed" or "It hot to be so put in my place and treated badly". Et al.
So, arent we then just splitting hairs over the word "humiliated"? Why does calling it being humiliated draw more of a reaction than some of the above synonyms?
Lastly, is it still humiliation if in the completion of the humiliating act, the sub is aroused and thereby not humiliated, and if not, why would anyone ever want to be humiliated?
So...
First I want intensity, an exceptionally honest and raw response that cant be simulated. Its not about her trying to please or appease me, its not about acting out her fantasies, though the means might be interwoven with them and almost certainly will. Its not about "performance" and its not about her being a victim - its about her offering me aspects of herself she may not have even known were there.
In humiliation there is a stripping away of pretence and facade to connect with something at her core. To do that a girl has to be strong enough to let go of what she knows about herself and open herself up to the mystery inside her. Humiliation should certainly not be about confirming her most negative images - unless these can be redefined and transformed through the process.
Much of humiliation consists of forcing an acceptance of aspects of self, of sexuality, of personality so that an otherwise intelligent human being is temporarily freed to embrace their most primitively responsive, spontaneous, visceral being. Thats not all that she is, but in that moment it feels like it is and afterward it will be a part of her she can begin to accept and integrate - and which she now knows is accepted and wanted by me.
Second I love to see the total loss of inhibition and supreme responsiveness that humiliation both reveals and unleashes. That she has trusted me to do this to her is exceptionally affirming of the understanding and bond between us. That she reveals this to me specifically dissolves the boundaries between us, engendering intimacy and trust.
In this sense humiliation is about disinhibition, deconditioning and liberating something authentic and shamelessly wanton thats been locked away inside her waiting to be expressed. Its about shucking off centuries of rules concerning how she should behave and feel, and being evermore completely herself - making humiliation a path to individuation.
Third - in the context of the above - I want to have as much wicked, cruel amusement and pleasure as possible. That isnt going to happen for me if I have any sense of her holding a part of herself remote and detached from the experience, or just going through the motions. Therefore precisely how I set about humiliating her will depend on what inhibitions and aspects of social conditioning I think she is ready to let go of in the time available to us. This is mostly revealed in her most current fantasies and erotic fears that can then be interwoven with what will give me most pleasure.