So I sit here at Panera over a week removed from my trip to see the lovely PA, and I think about my life and how I feel.  I look back at the postings I made not so long ago, and I start to wonder how much has faded since then.  Well, a fair amount has, but it took me a long time to turn into the jaded and angry person that I once reveled in so I figure it will take me a little while to turn into that beautiful being that everyone saw a glimpse of. 

When I woke this morning, my thoughts went to putting into my two week notice and giving up a great job for the unknown.  To be honest the thought of being a massage therapist is still enticing, but I don’t seem to fancy it as much as I used to.  Who does the traveling shaman turn to when he needs healing?  It is, after all, much easier to prescribe the medicine than it is to take it.

Right now I want to write.  I want to work on the story that has been inside of me for so long yet I can’t seem to get out right.  Of course this is happening on a day where I wish to be absolutely no where, but I’m stuck dealing with Consoles and Controllers and DHR’s and NCMR’s and Batteries and... So instead of taking my lunch and getting out a few feverish words, I sit here and blog.  Yes it’s writing, but not the kind I need to be doing right now.  Instead, I’m reveling in my meloncholy world wishing the it to change, but doing nothing to make it happen.  I realize now that this is a major character flaw and one that needs to be corrected in the future.  Still with all the things that happened over that fateful weekend, I believe this to be the hangover from the party.  It took a week to catch up to me, but it’s hitting pretty hard.  To be honest, I wish I had a taskmaster leaning over my shoulder for a week to ensure that I put my stories to the digital equivalient of paper.  As I’m sure you can tell, my thoughts are a bit disjointed and in need of some direction, but these are the times when I’m most inspired.  Part of me wants to stay up all night writing, and go to work strung out on caffeene and sleep deprivation.  I know that the outcome would be wonderful, but that would screw up the plans for tomorrow.  I think that may be a problem for me as well.  I’m always trying to plan and live for tomorrow instead of of living for today.  My thoughts always have to be three steps ahead.  At times I find myself thinking of all probable outcomes and then making a decision based on which one I think will happen.  Of course when I do that, the actual outcome is one I never thought would have happened and my mind is left reeling as to how I couldn’t have thought it. 

Still, I have taken a few things from my weekend and started applying them to my everyday life.  I’m breathing better when I start to feel things become overbearing.  It may not seem like it with this post, but it did help me on Friday night.  You see I ran into an old friend at a local sports bar and he and I ended up hanging out for a while.  I had just assumed it would be the two of us for the night so I decided to liberaly drink.  Well, his cousin ended up showing up.  I had never met her before, and I was stunned by her beauty and maturity level for only being 21.  Normally, I would have clammed up in this situation, instead, I took a breath and let the conversation flow.  It was pleasant.  Unfortunately I didn’t get her number for reasons I’m not going to discuss here, but I feel that there’s a good possibility that we may meet up in the future.  Another thing I’ve noticed is that I’m holding my head higher.  This is actually much more comfortable than the down-trodden PX of the past.  With that I’ve noticed that I’m getting noticed more.  There’s no ego boost like the one you get when you catch an attractive woman checking you out.  I actually had forgotten what that felt like....

Well, that’s enough rambling from me for now.  I’m actually starting to feel a little sun shine in the shadow that I’m sitting in, and the warmth feels pleasant.

Until next time...

PX