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My main interest is meeting friends who aren't hoping or expecting to get into my pants.
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Recent exchanges have made me aware of the fact that my goals regarding relationships have altered a bit.
I am not seeking "Doms" at all. I am ever seeking women who are inclined to be submissive or switch that I'd hope to find a deeper connection with, but I don't really hope for this on CM for reasons I've stated in previous journals.
Really, I am most interested in meeting friends---to hang out with, to play with, etc, with no expectations or ulterior motives, no strings, no convoluted relationships. I am probably asking to be deluged by requests for no-strings sex or even more couples looking for their side dish---but that's not really what I'm interested in. I'd just like to meet people who I share a lot in common with---outside the bedroom. People who will talk to me like I'm my own person, not something to be acquired.
I don't want to be embroiled in a relationship; I don't want to be controlled or made to feel I have to fit into a mold. I certainly don't want another Dom in my life who's going to influence me to change myself and depend on him only to leave me having to relearn how to be my own person. Everyone has to learn this as a child but why put yourself through it if you don't have to? It's torturous.
People are so focused on meeting the one(s) who fulfill X, Y, Z and I was no different and in many ways I still am. But I often feel who I am is overlooked in lieu of what I can do for someone else or how well I match up against a mental checklist. It just gets old.
I don't want to be your sub, I don't want to be your slave, your sister-wife/sub/slave, your little girl---why can't we be friends? If we have fun in the bedroom after that great and if not, no loss. REALLY no loss---don't contact me acting like you want to be friends when you just want to get into my pants. You can fuck off. But I'd really welcome people who I can connect mentally with. That is so rare, especially here where everyone seems to be thinking about what's under your clothes or in your toy chest or about how much they can "teach" you. I'd just like to be a person for a change, not X, Y, Z: sub, bi, female.
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Will be visiting Toledo, OH between May 1st and May 9th. If anyone of you, whom I have a passing acquaintance with, happen to be near that area and would like to hang out and show me around for an hour or so, let me know.
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To passion4passion who deleted his account before I could reply to his email which read thus:
Good afternoon,
I am just saying hello to get to know other
locals. I am new here and live in Huntington and wonder how easy or
difficult it will be to meet others even as friends but its worth some
time I assume. How have you done looking here for others along your
lines of interest?
My response:
Hello to you too. I also think it's worth some time to get used to a community site and find out if it works for one's purpose. With that in mind, I find it curious that you deleted your account so suddenly. What made you change your mind? Admittedly, I prefer OkCupid over CollarMe---it's less of a meat market and still very poly and kink friendly, plus there are more tools for users to interact with each other (that actually work).
I think for a male or female it is difficult to find friends or lovers here. I'm not sure why, but many people put up an even bigger façade here than they would on a regular profile elsewhere. I find this very off-putting myself as I am an individual who prefers things to be frank and straight-forward without artifice.
I have not done so well here but admittedly I have not tried that hard, mostly because of what I mentioned above, also because there just seem to be no local submissive women who share my relationship interests, where there is also a mutual attraction. Pretty picky I suppose but why jump into a half-baked relationship where only some things jive and others really don't? I want it all not just a third or three quarters.
That's my take on that. Wish you luck wherever else you decided to take your search.
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"just because I've had a bad emotional situation doesn't mean I don't still want those things, and I didn't want to "hit up" on you, but I don't even want to discuss my problems with someone who is cold and heartless like you"
I think I thought that just getting out of a bad emotional situation might make you want to take a little time to get over it before possibly rebounding on someone else. But then I guess I don't know what "just got out of" means in this context. Last month? Last year? -shrugs- But if you aren't trying to hit up on me, I don't know why it would matter to the situation that I'm not looking for men if you're really just looking for someone to talk to.
In a place like this, where almost without fail I am contacted by people who don't care about making a real connection but about how well I fit their mold of what they want (often when I don't AT ALL or only in the most superficial sense), I think it's easy to adopt an attitude that comes off as cold and heartless, although I think of it as harsh and pragmatic.
But even in reality, I would never try to pry from you the details of your situation, so if you don't want to talk about it to me, don't. I'm not the kind of person who coddles..others' emotions? Even with the people I care about and love most, I tell them what I think, not some fallacy that will make them feel comfortable and snuggly. But I also tend not to seek out friendships or relationships with people who can't handle my honesty or won't be totally honest with me, because I value that above all. It's too easy for people to lie, to manipulate your feelings with untruths by telling you what they think you want to hear...I try not to ever do that. -shrugs-
Apparently this message really needed to be blocked.
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This is not where I'm going to find my girl.
This is where men come to find submissives.
This is where women come to find dominants.
This is not where a submissive woman comes to find another submissive woman. Or even a triad.
Why do I even keep looking here?
Polymatchmaker isn't any better. Nor OkCupid. Forget Alt or Bondage or any of their clones.
What a bummer. |
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Looking again, though regretful that it comes at the cost of a friendship. |
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Very quickly---I've met a lovely couple of people who turn out to be quite sane and a lot of fun to be with. Thus anyone who's interested in contacting, please do so with the knowledge and understanding that I -am- seeing others and this may develop into just the relationship dynamic I am seeking long-term. But not putting all my eggs in one basket yet. |
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So: busy morning, lots of random messages mostly from people who haven't glanced at my profile and come across to me like I'm a piece of meat. I don't understand this mindset and find it very frustrating. I'm not -your- submissive so where do you get off addressing me like I'm anything less than my own person?
I know that there has to be a far superior online bdsm community somewhere else but hell if I know where it is. Bondage.com seems to be all but deserted in favor of -this-- Collarme.com. I can't begin to understand why or why this place is such a draw for people who don't have the consideration or forethought to research the scene, read about the people they're trying to make connections with---just be anything other than glaringly ignorant or uncouth.
I have met some gems here but they are so few and far between that I have to wonder why I'm still here. :-\
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Hey sexy + Let's get on with the taking = That sounds like a sexual advance to me.
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Oh! I've met you before! Your name is spelled A-M-A-T-E-U-R.
Have a nice life.
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You = Messaging me based on my picture alone.
Me = Not interested.
Bye.
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[Notes on slavery, submission, domination and mastery]
"A slave is a submissive who agrees, either on a full-time or part-time basis, to surrender all control over her body, actions, time, and privacy to her Master for the sole purpose of pleasing Him. In a culture obsessed with individuality and independence, even the most committed sub requires extensive training to overcome her natural tendency to resist total submission."
"All human behavior is the result of our attitudes toward ourselves and others. Although attitude cannot be changed directly, strict control and forceful manipulation of a sub's behavior in ways that reinforce her status as property will create conflict between behavior and attitude. Since she is powerless to resist the behavior forced on her by her Trainer, her attitudes must eventually adjust. This is the goal of slave training--a process in which physical restraint, pain, humiliation, encouragement, discipline, pleasure, and other stimuli are forcefully inflicted on a sub in a controlled and choreographed fashion, with the goal of teaching her to accept and embrace her Master's total ownership."
"This process is my favorite aspect of BDSM. Although the principles are universal, the techniques vary dramatically from one sub to the next."
I find this description very interesting because not only does it coincide with my own views, it is different from what seems to be the more universal view that a "true" slave is a natural doormat. Some slaves are but I disagree that this makes them more "truly" a slave.
Additionally, it very clearly delineates a submissive from a slave--where others would rub out the line that divides them, I find it very distinct and doms who assume/abuse behaviors with submissives reserved for the realm of Master/slave, I feel are really overstepping themselves.
Too often, I find, doms overlook the work involved in aiding in the subverting of their slave's own sense of independence. They seem to expect pre-packaged slaves with bobble heads without respect to building any trust or understanding or any really strong connection that would abet and facilitate the breaking down of the individual self.
Likewise I suspect, there is often little thought given to the wrecked sense of autonomy that is left in the aftermath when such a dynamic is upset or revoked. However, this serves to give rise to the mentality of: "No slave should feel comfortable unowned." Truthfully, after such indoctrination, it would be discomfitting to find oneself unowned, aside from the pain of severed emotional bonds, etc. But this only serves to point to the effectiveness of the process. One who had not undergone this process would not necessarily have lesser potential as a slave and vice versa.
I would like to add something else here:
"A good dominant seeks a submissive with strong personal power, a healthy self esteem and positive self image."
Thus to me the breaking down of individuality and independence (to a certain degree) does not contradict with maintaining any of the above: personal power, self-esteem, positive self-image.
Some more items I find I am in accord with:
"A good dominant isn’t looking for somebody who is simply willing, persuaded or coerced into complying. A good dominant is looking for somebody who wants, craves and is eager to serve.
A really good dominant knows how to create and foster that with out the use of force.
A good dominant seeks power from within self [...] accepts service but does not demand it or hold an expectation of it [...] will make a request not orders [...] shows gratitude and is deeply honored when somebody chooses to serve him [...] is selfless [...] is honest, trustworthy and filled with integrity [particularly hard to find] [...] seeks respects and understands that being respectable and working on their own personal power is key to obtaining that respect [and finally] is compassionate, caring and nurturing."
This isn't comprehensive but it is a pretty thorough quick-and-dirty. This individual really nailed what being a dom means to them and I have to give them my kudos on defining it better than I could've.
They also went on to describe a domineering jerk as someone who essentially forces, takes, demands, orders, preys on the weak, etc. The opposite and negative of all of the above.
The sad and alarming thing is there are so many doms like this in the scene...that there are few people I can really call Dom. The rest really are just domineering jerks. And forget the number of Doms who qualify as Masters.
Another epidemic I notice increasingly is the Dresden Ego---ie doms who possess an ego as durable as a delicate piece of Dresden finery. I've recently learned how to wear kid gloves just for such a one. I have to say it feels more like wearing mitts and makes it twice as hard to handle any issue directly and expediently. Diplomatic dances are interesting, and I think I could brush up on a few fancy steps here---and would actually like to with the right individual (who isn't constantly misunderstanding me), but there still comes a moment when a fresh side of brutal honesty is the best thing you can serve---and, after all the bush-beating, the most satisfying.
[Please note, the above parenthetical content is quoted from various profiles, some of which are on CM and thus the journal regulations prohibit the naming of their originators or inclusion of links.]
[End notes]
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I am constantly confronted with doms possessed of frangible egos. Then they turn their sour grapes on me. I am tired of them and of most of the doms I've encountered who don't bother to read my profile, only go "ooOOoo pretty pictures". They can all suck donkey cock.
I'm ready to find myself a sweet but spirited submissive bisexual someone who matches or exceeds my intellect and bide my time with her until we come across someone worthy of us both. However, finding such a woman will also be difficult.
In short, I am disheartened.
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Repost from November. This is still true today.
I'm seeking dominant individuals who can appreciate a poly mindset.
I like to play it safe when meeting new people to play with, meaning I'm not going to go and meet any random person who crooks their little finger at me.
I want to get to know an individual before we meet (at a public location)
and TRUST that person before playing (don't expect to play with me on
the first date).
I'm not looking to become someone's exclusive play
thing at this point in time. I feel like it's a little backwards to
look for someone to be your Master or slave right off the bat (so often
it seems like that's what people expect). I'd rather look for someone I
can love and then explore the possibility of slavery/ownership within
that context. Servitude comes much more naturally when it is driven by
devoted love.
Anything else seems forced to me and a little desperate,
even close-minded. Like a green-card marriage. I don't take that kind
of arrangement lightly and I am open to it but I will not seek it out.
Each relationship finds its own equilibrium.
Anyway with those thoughts
in mind, please feel free to message me.
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A message to repeat-messagers:
There's this nifty little thing you see on every profile page you look at. It's a box designed to contain your personal notes on that individual that only you may see, so you can keep track of your interactions with a fairly vast number of people without doing something embarrassing, such as messaging the same dumb come-on to the same person on three separate occasions and being rejected each time.
Now to the normal individual it may sound like this is something that should be easy to avoid. However, to the individuals who behave in this manner, this is a very high likelihood because, I imagine, their parameters for contacting an individual are vagueries of age, gender and location and have nothing to do with said individual's personality or actual preferences or really anything they may state in their profile.
Thus, they do not attach any individuality to the person they contact and thus this person is less than memorable. Ergo, they commit the unflattering mistake of repeat-messaging this poor person again and again and themselves come off very rude, stupid and thoughtless.
Please---don't be one of these people. Especially not around me. First, I will chew you a new one, then, given half a chance, I will block your ass.
Merry messaging.
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**To rwatk81 whose account no longer exists on CM**
I am flattered by your message and truly regret that I was unable to reply before you terminated your account. I would like to indicate here that because I am unwilling to relocate and truly abhor long distance relationships that I would not have had any interest beyond friendship. However I am confident you have already found someone of greater interest and sincerely wish you the best.
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I AM NOT A DOMME.
So for those submissive men who are illiterate or deluded into thinking they can change that, take your thinly veiled overtures and go away. Don't waste my time or abuse my good will.
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Please note, I will always deny chat requests because they send my computer into a soft boot. Additionally, I do not chat offsite without first getting to know someone through the messaging system onsite (this is a firm rule so don't try to push me on it or I'll block you so fast your head will spin).
So--please--just message me.
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Dear domineering jackass,
Trying to pressure me into playing with you or giving up some piece of control over me to you does not make you a dom. It makes you pathetic, weak and seem rather desperate.
Stay far away from me and stop playing at being a dom. Give it up already and pay for your sex. There's no respect for you here.
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Reply to message from K------:
I have not misled you. We talked of no commitments. We have only exchanged a few messages. I did not say I was interested in anything other than finding out more about what you were looking for. You expressed an interest in me. I simply made queries as to what you were looking for and it is not what I am looking for.
I did not blow you off, as you put it. I don't log on here constantly and your last message to me simply did not seem to require any immediate response---no questions were asked. Although, I do not feel we're very compatible, I expected we could be friends. I accept that you feel differently.
Do not make unfounded judgements on me for I have not judged you. I am exactly who I portrayed myself to be. You are just not who I am looking for. I am not looking for a relationship that is initially based solely on play. I am looking for someone who is interested in developing a relationship without regards to play. Play can happen with anyone and I'm looking for something exceptional.
That you have blocked me without offering me an opportunity to respond to your message, seems a little ignoble.
However, best of luck finding what you're looking for.
Message from K------:
I am seeking a commitment you are unable, or unwilling to make. Unfortunately, you are not who you portray yourself to be. I need a reliable person. Someone who blows me off is not that. I am very dissapointed that you mislead me as to your true nature.
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I'm looking for dominant individuals who can appreciate a poly mindset.
I like to play it safe when meeting new people to play with, meaning I 'm not going to go and meet any random person who crooks their little finger at me.
I want to get to know an individual before we meet (at a public location) and TRUST that person before playing (don't expect to play with me on the first date).
I'm not looking to become someone's exclusive play thing at this point in time. I feel like it's a little backwards to look for someone to be your Master or slave right off the bat (so often it seems like that's what people expect). I'd rather look for someone I can love and then explore the possibility of slavery/ownership within that context. Servitude comes much more naturally when it is driven by devoted love.
Anything else seems forced to me and a little desperate, even close-minded. Like a green-card marriage. I don't take that kind of arrangement lightly and I am open to it but I will not seek it out. Each relationship finds its own equilibrium.
Anyway with those thoughts in mind, please feel free to message me.
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| Age: 18 |
| Calgary,
Canada |
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