Regarding Rayne/Jason/Nick_Gautier
Mood : Cleansed
"Yer Majesty" and "Sin With a Grin" Shinedown
Fair warning, this is unedited and there are a couple of moments where I completely snap off. I need this off my chest, so if on those parts of it it isn't DIRECTLY aimed at you, don't take offense, because it is NOT aimed at you. Also, my sources for info outside of my own first hand experience names are not being mentioned for their own protection and have been cross referenced by MULTIPLE people. I also know that he will likely toss what few skeletons I have out there for the world to see and will try to make me look worse than him. I ain't worried about it cause I promise you he has more and much worse in his. This is not for a pissing contest. I'm simply tired of healing just enough to move on and being asked and tearing the wound open again. I'll probably loose him and several others as friends as a result, but ya know what? I don't care because it's their loss not mine ;).
Sit back for a second cause this will probably be the longest I'll write for a LONG time LOL.
A lot of people since finding out I was under consideration by Nyte (and before it happened single) have asked me/said a lot of the following...
“What happened?”
“I thought things were alright?”
“Y'all were so happy”
“What did he do?”
“What about the baby”
“Why did you let him go?”
“Why am I just now finding out?”
Etc., Etc... I apologize to the ones who have only recently found out (especially to those of you whom consider us both friends) for not saying anything sooner. I either assumed he would tell you or you would have seen the posts on my/his Facebook if you have either of us there. To those I couldn't say anything to because my walls went up and I didn't know who to trust, again... I'm incredibly sorry. I needed time to heal, recoup and gather information before I said anything to any but a selective few. To the rest, you get to see the day I come out of my shell and call someone out for who they are publicly. Excuse me for a second... I don't normally yell...
ANYONE THAT WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, PLEASE REFER TO THIS POST!!! DO NOT ASK ME ABOUT HIM AGAIN!!! I WILL ONLY POINT YOU HERE!!
Method in my madness trust me ;).
All the major players here just about have known me/of me between 3 and 7 years. You all know I'm kinda shy, but will stand my ground and bring down hell on the first person to actually manage to piss me off, hurt (not in the good way), or actually frighten me/make my stalker flags go up. *insert video clip of the “Lost in Space” Robot the kid built “DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!” * We all know that I did it once or twice and even left the site defending him and what he was doing (I don't even remember what it was now). SA, consider this my formal apology, cause it's the best I think I'll ever manage :). I have never considered myself to be a slave in the past and am still not sure of whether it will happen. The reason why is because of the type of Dom Rayne was and the majority of the Doms I have been with in general, a child with a toy that once of no use to him is thrown away or simply ignored (if you have been in my life and you jump at that comment, you may want to look in the mirror before you comment). I don't remember the term but you'll see what I'm talking about as I get everything out.
“What About the baby?”
I feel I should answer this first because it was the one asked most often and the most misunderstood part of the equation. Artemis was Adopted. She (thankfully) has no part in the equation at this point and though I do still have contact with the adopting parents, I do not generally have to take her into consideration with my decisions of who is in my life. That being said... Rayne originally tried to deny she was his and wanted me to have an abortion. It is the ONLY reason I am thankful I lost my job when I did, because I didn't have the money to pay for a $4-700 procedure that I never would have allowed to go through with under any other circumstance. I've had a miscarriage, and I know what that can do to your psyche.. I can't imagine what an abortion does to someone with even a trace of a soul. Not saying I am totally pro-life, I feel that it's each woman's decision based on circumstance, but for me I could never do it and live with myself. He knew this and pushed me to come up with the money for it. Between him and the bills I never did.
“Y'all were so happy together!”
When someone tells you they don't love you because they're in love with someone else, take a GOOD look into their past before you make a decision to let them in (yeah my mistake, but just as a warning for others).Yeah... For the first few months I was happy. Had even thought there was a chance he was the one at one time. Obviously not the case. Within 3 months things started falling apart and at the time I thought it was the pregnancy, the lack of money or some other stupid thing that I had caused. Yes, I will admit, I did some things I regret and that probably did more harm than good, but of those things I did I was pushed into doing because he never ONCE got up off his ass to get a job and help. Yes, he helped around the house and cooked, cleaned and helped with getting the groceries to the house since everything pretty much had to be done on foot because we don't have a car. I allowed it, but didn't realize that at the time I was letting him not only screw me over, but also my parents. I've lived with my parents for the last couple of years originally in an effort to keep my mom out of the nursing home. I am now (and have been since I had the baby) staying with them because I have no other option while I wait for things to wrap up here. Now he had a good excuse for not getting a job that comes with a bi-weekly paycheck, but not for not looking for a consistent cash only job. He had warrants for Child Support (I understand, I pay it for my oldest when I get paid and am way behind myself due to no job). It's not an excuse for not trying. It took me looking back at things to realize that's what it was. An excuse. I was pregnant, modeling and busting my ass on jobs I shouldn't have been doing pregnant while he sat on his ass at home Djing or sleeping. I'm also about to start working online at 2 legitimate paying jobs that may get me settled and ready to get out of here even faster (if all goes right) that I didn't know have been available to me the entire time. Because of him though, the friend of his that told me about them wouldn't talk to me for fear of him causing problems for me (IE, stressing me out when I was plenty stressed as it was).
Thanks to a lot of things in my past I'm really good at hiding my emotions from most of the rest of the world. Unless you're empathic, REALLY good at reading body language, or just know me that damn well, you won't see behind the mask unless I want you to. There are some who have known me (and known me REALLY well) for years and they couldn't tell I wasn't happy, so trust and believe when I say you didn't miss something. I was trying to hide because I wasn't allowed to vent to anyone. When I did, it caused problems. Towards the end of things I couldn't even talk to my brother because he was reading my logs and looking over my shoulder constantly. To quote him “I don't want you talking to anyone about it 'cause I don't want to you to make an ass out of me.” Maybe not those words, but it's not far off. Honey, I didn't have to. You were doing it all on your wittwl wonesome, TRUST ME. So, no as a matter of fact we weren't all too happy together. I was fucking miserable and I couldn't really even say anything to anyone without drama, so really I was being eaten alive from the inside (not pleasant, let me tell ya)
“What Happened/What did he Do?”
Some of that is detailed above. However, what actually was the straw that broke the camel's back was the night he actually got toasty enough around me at Karaoke one night to tell me the truth bout him and who “his heart belongs to.” I had always assumed it was someone in his past that was going to stay there... Someone I'd never meet or even grow to like in any way... Fuck was I wrong... Turned out he had worked her into the equation slow enough for me to not notice till about 3 months after the baby was born (which btw is a spittin image of him, so he can't even remotely deny her). I knew something wasn't right, and I knew it was someone... At the time I had no clue and didn't even see it coming. She was the girl that had been “stalking” him for five years. Absinthe. And I actually liked chicka a lot until that night. He asked me to go poly with her.
---As a side note, I am not too good at sharing what I consider mine and it's why I rarely do poly or open relationships. He being the “Dominant” or not, I considered him mine (my boyfriend, Dom, etc). This is actually when the man who brought me into the lifestyle knew it was over. He happened to have a brief convo with me in March right before this all happened and knew something was wrong. Not sure what clued him in on it, but when I talked to him after all was said and done he told me as much and he was the ONLY one that noticed I wasn't okay aside from my parents who had been there for all of it. ----
I liked her well enough and was willing to do just about anything to keep from loosing him. Again... big mistake... probably the worst in the entire relationship that I made. Within a day his ID on his main social site no longer had my name by his and I was no longer mentioned in is profile. He created a new FB for her to claim him as hers, Etc. Plans had already been made for her to be down for a WEEK for his birthday and she took us to Scarborough Faire (which was my first Ren Fair EVER) on his birthday. This was also the first attempt at real time poly. She showed no interest in me whatsoever. The entire week was all about him and her, and albeit I was on my computer a lot.... However... One word and I'd have dropped what I was doing and did on several occasions. FB Games are my crack, but I can and will drop them at the drop of a hat if asked or my attention is needed...elsewhere ;) I've proven that a lot this week. After she left to go to home, I got over my anger and hurt enough to ask a couple of questions I knew were either going to be what relieved me about all of it... or killed me.
“So did you fuck her at any point?”
“Yeah”
Deep breath, “Was I asleep? Or was this in the car when y'all went out by yourselves? Or in the hour long goodbye in the car? What?”
All I remember of the next response was “Bathroom,” “Shower,” and “Sleeping”
Another deep breath... ”Were you going to tell me if I hadn't asked?”
“No.”
I think it was then I realized it was over and it was just a matter of time. But I kept fighting for it, thinking I could make it work. Two weeks later I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him I needed to talk to him alone, without her input. I'll give him that he actually gave it to me, but in the end it wouldn't matter. Basically the convo boiled down to something had to give... I hadn't gotten any since she had left... And I don't mean JUST sex, I mean attention, affection, anything remotely close to him giving two shits about me.
Mind you, I was used to the lack of affection (real heart felt affection) at this point. I hadn't had much of that in nearly a year, but all of it (what little there was) pretty well stopped when he came out about her. I almost HAVE to have affection to thrive in a relationship. Sex is great and I'm generally always up for it, but I need the affection more than anything else. Without that, I'll wither and die out (and that's hard for me to admit because of how introverted I am most days). I was lucky to even get played with once a month, let alone fucked, cuddled or anything else. I was usually happy over a kiss because it was more than I normally got, and not because he had any problems downstairs. To quote him “I don't like always initiating it.” I understand that and can work with it, but really? You couldn't tell when I was worked up and wanted to play? You couldn't see that all you would have had to have done was say one word or give one look? BULL SHIT!!! Anyone who knows me knows that and can PLAINLY see when I'm worked up!!! Why? Because I'm generally blushing, giggling and being a fucking smart ass if I am!!! It's called flirting!! With anyone else but the one I'm with, flirting is just fun. Nothing behind it otherwise. When flirting with the guy I'm with, that's possibly the most blatant “I want sex NAO” you can get out of me without getting me to beg (which takes more than me being a bit horny).
It then became an “open relationship”.... One problem... When I'd get too open with someone else and started unintentionally doing to him what he did to me, he... got... PISSED. Looking back it's kinda funny but at the time I was livid to the point of tears. Not because I wasn't getting what I wanted (even though I wasn't.... I wanted him alone), but because he essentially went back on his word. And I couldn't even express how hurt I was by it because I didn't think he would really honestly care.
Two weeks later my birthday was a week away. Still no nothing from him except once and he couldn't even look at me without loosing his hard-on during sex (Yeah I noticed that hun, so you can quit denying it anytime now). The monday before the 3rd there was a huge blowout over a graphic she had done of them together when they first met online. I don't remember his comment, but I had been so hurt by the graphic that I popped off with “No worse than it could have hurt seeing the graphic of you and Abs and the caption you set for it since you didn't warn me about it...” It turned ugly and ending with us yelling at each other (again), him removing her name, the graphic and me from the secondary FB acct (I'm guessing the last was meant as a punishment as he knew that would hurt me). When he finally calmed down I was able to make it clear to him that I was only upset he hadn't forewarned me about the graphic... Whether he ever truly accepted that, I don't know, nor do I care now.
The week before had been my girl week and as of yet I've never met anyone who could have sex (of any kind) with me DURING that week because of how bad my cramps are in general. (Sorry TMI I know, but it's important). For the entire month before my birthday there was no sex really, a few fights and a whole lot of me rethinking the whole relationship. Then night before my “big day” she got there. My birthday came and though I'm not one for holidays/birthdays (especially MY birthday because I have a long history of shitty birthdays), I was looking forward to it. I had to deal with some personal matters during the day (and though she had a car, she didn't bother to offer taking the hour or so it would have taken to take care of it that way) so I spent almost the ENTIRE day on the bus in 100 degree weather. Keep in mind heat takes a really hard toll on my body above 85 now. By the time I got home, I had to fight to stay awake long enough to get re-hydrated and get food and a small bit of cake in me before I completely crashed. So I was passed out till nearly 4am on the 4th. The majority of the weekend she was on him like white on rice (wanted to say something else, but trying to respect TOS here folks) and I was fucking devastated at the fact that not an ounce of his time went to me on before or after my birthday. Not to mention... He was leaving for Oklahoma with her on the 5th and I later found out he had NO intention of coming back. What he left behind wasn't much... His speakers, some spare parts and a few other things he could have easily replaced (no big loss) aside from a few things he forgot to pack. What he didn't know (or more to the point is thought I had missed) was the billfold flap with his Social Security Card and Native American card in it that he NEVER carried on him sitting on what he was using for a desk. When I sat at my computer and turned around it was gone... I didn't mention it, I think because it had sunk in that he was leaving. He was only supposed to be gone for a week and even commented on that fact like I couldn't see through the lie this time when he came back to kiss me goodbye and I was already crying. I knew... people had had suspicions, and nobody had told me for certain... But I already knew he wasn't coming back from this trip except to get what he left behind.
“Why did you let him go?”
Okay... you've been reading, right? Guess what? There's more!! Ooo a shiney!!! LOL sorry...
So remember how he didn't want me to make an ass of him? He also told me to send MY FRIENDS to him if they wanted to know what was going on... I think the most important of which was my own brother. Now, Beelzebub and I are as tight as you can get (yes I called him that), but because of this simple fact, my brother was in the dark about what was going on and thought I was okay. He was VERY shocked when I called him 2 or 3 days after Rayne left with Abs for the week, still crying through some of it as I explained to him what had happened. “Why haven't you broke it off yet??” “Because there's still a bit of hope left somewhere in me that for once I'm wrong when it comes to things like this.” At this point Beelzebub and I arranged for an impromptu joyride out of hell and back home with our little group of demons for a couple weeks. Going home always seems to clear my head. IDK why, but it does. The night before he was supposed to come home this is the convo I had with Rayne :
rayne(06/12/2011 5:41:11 PM) : It has been decided. I am staying longer. No excuses and not gonna wait to see if she gets called in or not.
shadowwolfe(06/12/2011 5:42:02 PM) : okay can I ask why?
rayne(06/12/2011 5:44:18 PM) : Because there is Alot we didn't get to do plus I can make some money this week. I passed up making money last year. I don't want to pass it up again. Plu
rayne(06/12/2011 5:44:19 PM) : s I was invited to go on the reservation Friday night for karaoke
shadowwolfe(06/12/2011 5:45:19 PM) : okay, so I guess the next question is when are you coming home?
rayne(06/12/2011 5:45:50 PM) : We all will be discussing it all week
shadowwolfe(06/12/2011 5:47:21 PM) : okay...whenever you get the chance to take a call could you let me know?
rayne(06/12/2011 5:47:54 PM) : Yup. Gonna be eating dinner soon
shadowwolfe(06/12/2011 5:48:28 PM) : k, would like to talk to you tonight if at all possible, but if not I guess I'll deal
rayne(06/12/2011 5:48:42 PM) : K
This came after the entire week getting blown off, avoided, etc. I had done all but beg him to spend more than a couple of minutes even talking to me on yahoo, let alone a phone call. This was a week before my escape from hell & also the next weekend was Father's Day.. The rest of that week was spent cleaning and packing things as I kept pushing for an answer for when he was coming home... Myself for my trip home and his things as I went along. Friday night came and I had everything packed & shifted and set up to go and I made one final attempt to get a straight answer from him.
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:22:51 PM) : Btw, any word on when you're coming back?
rayne(06/17/2011 8:22:56 PM) : Either way...he needs to give me something for this issue
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:23:03 PM) : agreed
rayne(06/17/2011 8:23:16 PM) : I will be talking with Shelia and her mom tonight as we are going to Karaoke
rayne(06/17/2011 8:23:22 PM) : going to be leaving soon
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:24:23 PM) : okay. i guess just let me know one way or the other.
rayne(06/17/2011 8:24:58 PM) : k
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:26:22 PM) : Btw, plan is Chris will be here to pick me up to go around noon tomorrow
rayne(06/17/2011 8:26:51 PM) : kks...just message me and let me know
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:26:55 PM) : k
rayne(06/17/2011 8:28:11 PM) : well..I am jumping offline so I can get ready to go out
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:28:34 PM) : ok have fun
rayne(06/17/2011 8:28:44 PM) : kks...ttyl
shadowwolfe(06/17/2011 8:28:56 PM) : laters
I never got an answer. He never called and barely spoke to me as I left for home. At this point I was just trying to figure out when I was going to tell him he needed to figure out living arrangements for himself. When I got home this is what happened
http://prntscr.com/2u3e0
We didn't get home till late to begin with, add in hauling my computer & 2weeks work of stuff up a flight of stairs, plus a DIRE need to eat, no sleep and almost 7hrs in a car due to traffic... it took a while to get to where I could talk. I had ONLY logged into his account to transfer the last 3 animals from his account to mine so HE could close out Happy Pets (a FaceBook Game he was no longer playing) on his acct before I tried to eat. Kevin HAPPENED to be on the phone with me when Rayne commented. And While I don't remember if I called at that point or not (I was too tired to see straight) I know I was pissed. The next day was Fathers Day. Now Father's Day was Craziness lol. Lotta stuff happening and I was all to happy for the distraction and wasn't online much. However... instead of him calling me (since he had my brother's number) or messaging me, he did this :
http://prntscr.com/2u3ep
Now if you haven't seen by now why I left, you're out of your ever living, gods be damned mind. However there IS more.
I did call and wish him a happy father's day. And me trying not to give him another Holiday to hate went through another week of him being the same as he had been the two weeks before. Distant and dodging my questions. Friday came and I told him I needed to talk ASAP, it was important. I needed to speak to him. Alone.
When I told him his stuff was packed and waiting for him and that he needed to find another place to stay because I could no longer take being second and being tossed to the curb like an old rag doll that had no use to him anymore every time I tried to get time with him, the fucking child that he is pulled a Sarah from Labyrinth...
“That's Not Fair”
I lost my fucking mind on him.
“NOT FAIR??!!! YOU REALLY WANT TO GO THERE JASON?? NOT FAIR IS HAVING TO GIVE UP A BABY BECAUSE HER DADDY WOULDN'T GET UP OFF HIS ASS, BE A MAN AND GET A REAL JOB!! NOT FAIR IS LEADING ME ON!! NOT FAIR IS HOW YOU BROUGHT HER INTO THE FUCKING PICTURE!!!”
I went off for about five minutes and I was told I could actually be heard in the parking lot and that the only reason the cops weren't called is cause it only lasted five minutes. The apt my brother has is pretty sound proofed and no windows were open. I am NOT one to yell. Most people don't get to hear me much above a whisper. The last thing I remember saying to him was he had till the 28th of August to get his crap (the day I had planned to be leaving the DFW area for good, plans change).
Then I get this in my inbox after I come back to hell within an hour of Rayne telling me not only will Abs be there, but so will her mom from his sister. (They don't look as nice and are more recent screen shots. I just didn't have the energy to make the name editing look better).
http://prntscr.com/2u3fh
http://prntscr.com/2u3fr
He claimed he had no clue what she was talking about, but I know better. Judging by the fact that when he DID finally come get his stuff, Absinthe's brother also happened to be there. He claimed that her aunt was being a bitch and wasn't letting them stay over night (why they were a day early), then without realizing it he let slip that the brother was driving and had to be back next day as well. Nice try AGAIN hun. You planned to be a day early to try and catch me off guard. It didn't work and the lie didn't either. I'm not stupid. Blind at times, but not stupid. Oh and had I REALLY wanted to get you arrested I'd have waited till you were WELL away from my house, given her mom's LP to a friend that has no assosiaction to you and had her mom's plates called in as a stolen car and still could. Not only avoiding getting myself fully involved, but also keeping my parents from being evicted. What could I POSSIBLY gain by getting you thrown in jail? NOTHING!! It wouldn't fix anything and it would likely have me and my family in as much trouble for allowing you to live with us. Put that in your back pocket and sit on it for a while.
For the final blow he waited till he was back home to change their relationship status to engaged. Yeah it hurt a bit that you didn't have the balls to just tell me, or that you see me as a threat. Okay A LOT. But here's how I see it. It's not me you're leeching from anymore. It's not me that you're playing head games with anymore. It's not me being forced to keep my silence anymore. And It's not me who will ultimately end up alone in life because of my own stupidity and arrogance.
What I've Found Out Since.
I originally thought that I was the only person that had gone through this with him. However, like with many that at 32-33 years of age that have a psychological issue of any sort, it was a very well established pattern. Now I've talked to MANY people over the course of the last month who feel that I am in the right (seeing as how I willingly told them the truth when they realized he wasn't) and quite a few others who said, and I quote “He did the same shit to so & so...” Or asked me “What did he tell you about so & so? Uh huh... Here's what really happened.” Every. Single. Time. The same story. Different names. Different situations. ALL the same story. One involving another child whose mother has gone clinically insane due to his (Rayne's, not the child's) psychophantic . After hearing that and so many other stories about his past from people who were THERE and aren't following him like sheep to the slaughter it was easy to let him go. Again, I am not without fault here. However my biggest one throughout the whole thing was that I did not stand up for myself on issues I should have never budged on.
“In a nutshell, personally I consider him a cancer and better removed, avoided - and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters the better.” ~ Slash Regarding Axle Rose When He Left Guns'N'Roses. (Slash you rock man!!)
Now... I apologize for the length (8 pages...jeeze...), but as I said... I needed it out of me for good. Thanks for bearing with me LOL.
Nyteslilwolfe.
