FYI--if we have dated in the past, please note that there's probably an excellent reason that it's in the past. So when you write that note asking me how I am, and suggesting that I come and service your needs, just before you hit send....don't. Kthxbai.

My birthday is in a few days. I'd like to be thrilled about it. Does anyone read this who could feasibly take on the role as thriller? I don't know. I will say that it can't be done by anyone who lives too far away, because I need to be thrilled in person. I guess we'll see what happens. Stay posted!

I was thrilled. Might have been a bit premature, but...still smiling about it. :)

Sometimes, when I say that I don't think things will work out, it's because I don't find the person attractive. I'm trying to find a nice thing to say in refusal. When they start to argue about why they think I'm a moron or a nasty bitch because of the NICE reason I give (and really, I don't owe any explanation besides, "Thanks, no")  would it be acceptable to say, "Because it's already clear that you're an asshole?"

I get a lot of letters saying, "You're so funny!" Never do I get a letter saying, "You're so funny, I'm coming to get you and fuck you." Not that I'm not grateful for the kind notes, but I've tried self flagellation with them, and it's not nearly the same, as I recall.

Now, on the other side of CollarMe, there's a feisty conversation going on regarding how many pics a slave should have posted here for the OP's whacking pleasure. He was kind enough to let us know which poses he preferred, resulting in a discussion of dick pics. This degenerated (by me) into a question (by me) about dick pics. (Please read before sending me any.) My question is, are there poses for dicks? And I don't mean, "dick by itself" and "dick in my hand." I don't mean the usual poses of "Here I come!" "There I go," and "I'm really sorry this has never happened before." I mean...I don't know. Action poses, maybe. You know, hiking, cooking, hanging out at the beach. Different outfits (and here's Manny, wearing the new lambskin he got for Christmas).

Now, if you're going to read this and send me pictures of your penis, know that I've seen a few, and please, please don't say "Guess who?" because it will hurt your feelings and embarrass me if I don't recognize it (DAD??? IS THAT YOU???). Speaking of which, no one has a penis like my father's, which I know because I walked in on him one day when I was a tiny kid. Not only did he scream like a girl when this happened, but it turns out that HIS PENIS WAS THE SIZE OF A REDWOOD TREE. It looked like a log had fallen against him, is my recollection. I was about three years old, and I'm pretty sure he lived with the guilt and shame for years that I had been somehow traumatized by the brief glance, and sure enough, I still can't really pee well standing up. This, in my opinion, is Nature's big mistake, making it so that the half of us who pee more frequently also have to sit. I used to hate pulling the pantyhose up and down so much that I learned to hold my bladder like it was the only camel in the entire kingdom.

No dick pics, please.

My desk top died, so until I can get a replacement...probably just a few days.

Something lovely happened to me today. Someone stroked my back, stopped dead, and said, "Oh, my God, you're not wearing a bra! Those puppies sit up!"

I'm an old broad, so that cheered me up.

Dear person who sends me the notes all pissy because in my profile, I say what I'm looking for, sees it isn't him/her, then after sending the note, blocks me so that I can't respond:

Does your mom ever walk in on you while you're perving notes and whacking your tiny wang?

Love,

NOTsweet (what part didn't you get, Sparky??)

So I'm at a little gathering, and someone I've wanted to play with for a long time comes up and says hi. He mentions that he'd like to play with me sometime, and my heart goes pitter-pat...and then he kisses me.

Uh....

You know how you go to the gym, and you wipe off the equipment after you're done? Know how when you go to a dungeon, you wipe off the equipment when you're done?

Ladies, when you take that free mustache ride, maybe take a quick swipe at the seat when you're done?

Guys, look, I like eating pussy just as much as you do. Maybe more. But I like my pussy first-hand. Really. Also, I'm not sure who's leftovers I'm getting here, and I'm not real big on sharing straws. It's the backwash. Know what I mean? 

Thanks.

Here's why you should mention in your profile if you're involved with someone in a "committed" relationship:

1) It lets your reader know that you will not be around for events, birthdays, holidays.

2) It lets her know that she can trust you every bit as much as she can trust any lying, cheating asshole.

3) It saves you time screening out women who are not interested in lying, cheating assholes.

Who says I'm not looking out for you? See? I care.

Oooh, I have mail. Barely a line, from someone with no profile.

I write back, "Is there going to be anything on your profile?"

"No, if you want to know something, ask me."

Are you kidding me?

I DIDN'T WRITE TO YOU. YOU WROTE TO ME.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW FUCK ABOUT YOU, AND YET, THERE YOU ARE.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alternatively, does anyone read a profile anymore? 

"Your says 'Single men only,' but you play with couples."

Are you single?

"No, but--"

Does your wife play with you?

"Well, no, but--"

But you're an idiot. Don't write to me.