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| I have always been different, but comfortable with my seemingly awkwardness. It was never important to me to fit in, but as I integrated into the age of seeking male companionship I could tell there was something missing. As I set out on my journey to find that other half that would complete me, I ran into an array of issues, making wrong decisions and embarked down a dark path of self destruction. Relationship after relationship, I envisioned the image of the perfect man in each individual, put them on a pedestal only to have my dreams shattered when my demigod showed he was nothing but a human in his own right.
As I grew older and began to dissect the destructive relationships left in my wake, I began to use sex as a means of filling the missing element of the bond between my partner and I. During a one night stand, I met my match. The man pushed me to a limit sexually that has left me chasing the high I experienced that night 18 years ago. While the things we did that night no longer leave those who would hear how I was twisted, bent, shackled, sucked, and fucked into what I always called a mind blowing, orgasmic, out of body experience (which I would later find out was called "subspace") embarrassed; THAT night scared the crap out of me!
What kind of person was I to enjoy the way I let him tell me what to do, what I could feel, and knew how to read me and play my body when we had never met before? What was I thinking letting him spit on and in me, taste me and I him, so intimately only on a first name basis within an hour after we met? Why did spanking, bondage, chocking, biting and such rough sex wake every nerve ending in my body without fear? That night every submissive bone in my body took life, but it was ultimately fear that made me bury that part of me, only allowing her to surface when I truly needed to get away from the life I live and all the overwhelming drama that comes attached. Nameless men would fill this role from time to time until, it became too hard for me to tell the real "dominate" men from the dangerous ones. The need of my fix was so great I would resort to reckless behavior to have an excuse for my wild sexual behaviors and a copout to blame for fear of being judged for the things I would let men do to me if they had the dominating nature I craved.
I am by far a weak woman. I have been through things in life that make it seem I am too aggressive; not willing to submit to a man. How far from the truth that statement regarding me truly is. I am not unwilling to submit to a man, just take a strong man to make that happen for me. The discipline of a man that will make me submit can only be found in a true strong dominate male - in and outside of the bedroom. The new BDSM fetish to sweep throughout the world has many levels and while I wanted to explore exactly how far I could push my limits and live in the lifestyle there was always the fear of totally losing myself.
Now I realize I have already lost myself by choosing not to truly live. I just don't know how I am supposed to do that with all the fake "wanna be erotica" fans today. This journey has the power to set me free from the sexual bondage I have trapped myself with years ago by running from the first true person I connected with on a sexual level I have been trying to rediscover or the ability to consume me, chew, then spit me out destroying any chance I find true peace within my inner turmoil of self discovery.
I have to make sure I do it right.
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