The true balance of power in a BDSM relationship is 50-50. Both parties made an informed choice to be there. The sub can leave at any time, despite what the couple may say to each other. Both partners take care of each other, both look out for each other, both worry about each other. They work together to achieve their goals. The submissive needs what the dominant is offering just as much as the dominant needs what the submissive is offering. Each partner has strengths and weaknesses that they balance out to form a strong single unit.
Submitting to someone is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It’s being secure enough in who you are to allow others to take control of you. It’s being brave enough to ask someone to help you explore the things that you only dream of. It’s having the courage to do the things that fascinate you.

have you ever heard of sub space thats what that would do to me if you have not let me no and i will send you some info on it.. During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Producing a sort of trance-like state due to the increase of hormones and chemicals, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives once reaching a height of subspace will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimuli causes the period to prolong.

but real not in a scene Sir

 From real life.. to what i have read and learned..

this is role play and real life mixed...

BDSM is an acronym that stands for;
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism and Masochism

BDSM comes in many, many forms, and there are as many different disciplines, thoughts and practices as there are those that have these desires. BDSM can be as simple or as imaginative as a consenting individual or couple wants to make it, from an erotic spanking or tying your partner to the bedposts, giving or accepting verbal commands, through to a complex and intense full on scene.
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SSC

Any scene or long term D/s, M/s relationship should always abide by the code of SSC – SAFE, SANE AND CONSENSUAL;

Safe - means that even when we play hard, we play safe and never cause any true harm to our partner(s) either physically, emotionally or psychologically. There is a huge difference between the giving and receiving of pain in any degree (mild or severe) for sexual gratification and actually causing real harm that is beyond the realms of limits and pre-negotiation. BDSM play should always be as safe as possible although nothing is ever really 100% safe or risk free. Communication, safe words and preparation are vital, as is ensuring the aftercare for both submissive and Dominant. 

Sane - means we don’t play when intoxicated (pissed or stoned), angry, or in a mind set where we cannot determine boundaries and this doesn’t mean that limits can’t change within the evolution of a relationship). In short, we look out for each other. It is a Dom/mes responsibility to ensure the mental and physical welfare of Their submissive at all times during a scene (and out of it) and a submissives’ responsibility to constantly and honestly communicate with their Dom/me (as much as us subs may think so sometimes, Dom/mes are not mind readers).  You have to differentiate between what is possible and what really should stay within the realms of fantasy.

Consensual - this is what makes those who practice SSC, different from abusers. It means that both submissive and Dom/me have communicated prior to a scene and have given T/their consent to each other (either directly before, or within the known boundaries of a longer term relationship). Yes, BDSM is consensual and should never ever be forced - otherwise it is just called abuse and there is no place for abuse within this Lifestyle. Every participant has the right to stop a scene at any time by using safe words (which should have been previously established) or other pre-designated methods. If consent is withdrawn, it should be honored immediately.

The point is, no matter how far off this planet this Lifestyle may seem to the vanilla world, exploring D/s and BDSM can and should be done safely, honorably and sensibly. Trust, communication and respect are common words that are often thrown about in many of today’s societies but in the BDSM community they are words to live by, like a religion, they are gospel.

So, where to start
Maybe you have just woken up to these desires or maybe you already have a partner that you would like to experiment with. First and foremost – go slow! Many newbies often get an element of ‘D/s fever’  and are over taken with impatience, you know this world and these opportunities exist and you want to try it all now!

There are so many questions to ask yourself;
Do you just want a play partner or are you seeking a longer term relationship?
Do you know what your own limits are?
Are the rules the same as the rules of vanilla ‘dating’?
How open are you to your own sexuality?
Do you want a one-on-one relationship or are you willing to play with multiple partners at the same time?
Do you want to explore bi-sexuality or transgender play?
Do you want to explore both your Dominant and submissive side or are you clear that you are either one or the other?
Do you even want to experience BDSM on a physical level or are you more drawn towards the psychological?

The first thing is to do a little soul searching, be totally honest with yourself; if you can’t do that, you will never be totally honest with anyone else and that can be damaging and dangerous. Make a list of your desires, the things that you have always wanted to try but until now you haven’t really allowed yourself to think about. Then, make a second list of your limits; firstly your hard limits, namely those things that you just will not move on and no-body can ever make you budge and secondly your soft limits, those things that you do not like the thought of at all, but with the right partner you would be willing to have those limits pushed, perhaps even removed. Don’t forget that these lists are going to change, whatever you feel right now, i can almost guarantee is not how you will feel with a little more experience, but for now, this will form the fundamentals of Y/you as a Dominant or as a submissive

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The real balance of power
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I look at my friends and acquaintances and see that the submissives I know are the more out-going group. They are also the more opinionated faction, less hesitant to speak their minds. But, according to prevailing public opinion, submissives are doormats, incapable of making a decision themselves, who are not allowed to have independent thoughts, who will not protest a direct order. Sorry to burst a bubble, but that is far from true.

Personally, I think the mundane tend to view submissives as less than human because they cannot comprehend how someone could willingly allow themselves to be tormented and humiliated. Maybe it started as some macho masturbatory fantasy…a person who will let you do anything and everything, no matter how perverse the act, and do it without a fuss. It’s an interesting idea, one that some people role-play, but that is not the reality of a D/s relationship at all.

Dominance and submission are equal sides of the same coin. One cannot exist with out the other. Entering into a D/s relationship is a choice that each partner makes for themselves. Each partner brings their own unique gifts to the relationship. In this case, the dominant and the submissive need each other’s talents and abilities for the relationship to work. It’s difficult to top one’s self or bottom to yourself, and it would quickly get boring even if you could do it.

The true balance of power in a D/s relationship is 50-50. Both parties made an informed choice to be there. The sub can leave at any time, despite what the couple may say to each other. Both partners take care of each other, both look out for each other, both worry about each other. They work together to achieve their goals. The submissive needs what the dominant is offering just as much as the dominant needs what the submissive is offering. Each partner has strengths and weaknesses that they balance out to form a strong single unit.

Submitting to someone is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It’s being secure enough in who you are to allow others to take control of you. It’s being brave enough to ask someone to help you explore the things that you only dream of. It’s having the courage to do the things that fascinate you. It’s knowing yourself well enough to understand what you need, despite what other people may think about it. It’s the ability to reach out and make your desires become reality. I don’t see any weakness there at all.

Look beyond the stereotypes, go past the role-playing. You might be surprised at what is there.

D/s Compatibility

In almost any relationship it is important to have or attain some kind of compatibility with one’s partner. If we are very lucky we may just find a natural compatibility with a partner who has the same or similar likes and dislikes as us. This natural compatibility will probably extend to things other than D/s, for example, having similar tastes in music, hobbies, leisure pursuits etc. Now, if one finds a partner as compatible as this we may well describe them as a soulmate, and once found we ought to do our utmost to hang onto them, because they don’t come round very often, if at all!

Having a natural instinct for the needs and wants of the other person is not something that is found too often. However I do believe that with some application we can “engineer” a compatibility with our partner through good communication and being attentive to their needs. Of course there must be some compatibility at least to start with, but that can certainly be improved upon immensely by working at it.

It is unlikely that the pain threshold of a submissive will naturally match the sadistic levels of a partner Dominant. On one hand the submissive may have a higher threshold than the Dominant is prepared to meet, or similarly they may achieve their threshold before the dominant has even begun to sate his need to apply pain to another. In either case one or both can end up either unfulfilled or at worst hurt, emotionally or physically or both.

So, the art is to extend either the time it takes to reach a threshold for one or both parties. Perhaps the simplest way to do this is to add an extra dimension to whatever action is happening. For example, if flogging, then add some time away from that to create more emotional response in ones partner, or divert the attention with, for example clamps on the nipples or use of the voice. In each case what we are doing here is to achieve an extension of the time it takes to get to a specific point. Now that distraction might be “more pain”, applied in a different way or place, or it may be more sensual, like touching, or even a diversion from that pain already there, using voice or massage or something like that. In each case what we are doing is “engineering” the response we need, whether that be a diversion, or more endorphin production, or more mental than physical attention. All these serve to do one thing, which is to extend the time we have available before reaching a limit. Remember too, that if we are, say, flogging, to leave the flogging for a few minutes may well allow the endorphin reaction to better take place which, in itself will naturally increase limits and endurance, perhaps matching more the needs of a partner than if the flogging were simply carried out without any break or diversion.

The art of compatibility engineering is not of course, just about play. It’s about life choices. It may help to try and appreciate the things our partner likes. Don’t dismiss stuff out of hand, but give it a chance; let them explain why they like a particular kind of music, or a particular author. This not only gives the opportunity to appreciate the partner’s likes, but will naturally induce better communication, and a closer affinity. Of course the art of communication is paramount. While we may try all sorts of things to promote better compatibility unless we have good communication we will never know if those things work effectively or not.

Communication is important both before and after the event. Before is useful in planning what will occur, and enabling both of you to understand when and how certain things might happen. After the event enables each to let the other know what worked and what didn’t. Remember that there will always be some things which don’t work for you however well planned they may be. Communication and discussion afterwards will mean those actions can either be left out or changed next time. All the time this communication will mean that we are creating (engineering) a better compatibility between one another.

We do not have an inbuilt knowledge of how our partner thinks, and what they crave and desire, as well as what they don’t like. Only through time, effort, hard work and application will this come. Remember too that there will also be failures, nothing is perfect, and we can’t expect our choices and decisions to be right all the time. Use these as learning opportunities, take something from them, and improve what you do next time.

Engineering compatibility is not a new idea but it is definitely something that we all ought to pursue in our D/s. It can only make us better at what we do.

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            Slow Down

Letting things happen at their own pace.

People spend so much of their lives in a rush. There are deadlines to meet, work to get done, errands to do, meals to prepare, things that have to get done, places to go, people to see. No one really knows how to relax and let things happen. Life is happening so fast; it makes your head spin.

Many of us have gotten used to instant gratification. We want it and we want it now. If we have to work for it, it loses appeal. Society reinforces that logic. Multi-million dollar lawsuits. No fault divorces. Easy money schemes. Make her want you. New, improved and faster. It's all there.

But not many people realize instant gratification is impossible in a relationship. Oh, sure, they've heard you have to work at it, but they expect the other person to do the work for them. If you don't like what you've got, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Your partner was lucky to have had you as long as they did. You were the best thing that ever happened to them.

That kind of thinking is damaging to any relationship, but especially fatal to a D/s relationship. There has to be a high level of communication, trust, honesty, and mutual respect for the relationship to work. Without that, there is no basis to build on.

Respect is the most important. Without it, there's no chance of honesty or trust. After all, how can you open up to someone you don't respect? You can't demand that someone respect you, and if you did, I highly doubt it would be effective. Respect is earned. You get it by the way you deal with other, how you handle adversity, by what you are doing with your life. Respect doesn't always come with a high wage slip, but it does come through compassion, sharing, guidance, and intelligence. But you have to respect yourself as well as your partner.

To do what we do there has to be trust. Otherwise, it turns into abuse. Your partner is trusting you with their life. That's not something to rush into lightly. That person needs to know you, how you will react in certain situations, how much you can be relied on. They need to feel safe and secure. They need to know the faith they have in you is justified. This doesn't happen overnight, it develops over time.

You need to be honest with each other. Know your strengths, weaknesses, and most importantly, your limits. This alone would eliminate unrealistic expectations. Stating what you want from the relationship up front, sharing your goals, seeing if you are (despite whatever physical attraction there may be) compatible partners.

And there needs to be communication. Both ways. Neither partner should be intimidated into silence. Discuss anything and everything. Is she more sensitive to pain at certain times of the month? Is she reluctant to use her safeword for fear of looking wimpy? What do you want from this? All this needs to be discussed. Don't think beforehand. Communicate heart, mind, and soul - speak from the heart, keep an open mind, and listen with your soul. If you take the time to think what that means, you'll know how to communicate effectively.

Take the time to let the relationship develop naturally. Don't rush it. Pushing a relationship beyond the current bounds is sure to cause resentment, and if that is left to fester, it will destroy what you are working so hard to achieve.

Honor and Trust

If It Was Not for Honor, Trust Would be Such a Distant Thing
Honor and Trust are noble ideals. In the past they were traits that were so respected, so desired; traits to which people endeavored to achieve. Unfortunately, in today's society and especially in personal relationships, the concepts of Honor and Trust are nearly extinct.

However, there are those who still hold on to these traditional values. The ideals of Honor and Trust still exist, they will never truly disappear. It is up to the BDSM community to lead the way back to the growth of these noble ideals.

A true BDSM relationship that is based on the nurturing of Honor and Trust in both partners can set an example to the community, and slowly begin the progression of Honor and Trust throughout society.

An opinion that I have that the world should take notice of: As in no other relationship, Honor and Trust are essential parts of a thriving BDSM bond. If you cannot Honor and Trust your partner, then there is little hope for having a successful, loving and fulfilling BDSM relationship.

"If a slave lacks honor, they most likely also lack the capacity to give trust, and the worthiness to receive trust. Is not an honorable person a more trustworthy person?"

Trust goes along with Honor, and Honor with Trust. In the BDSM lifestyle, these ideals are intertwined. And these traits are built through communication.

In BDSM there needs to be an open, trustworthy and honest line of communication. If communication is lacking then things can go wrong...and when things go seriously wrong there can be dire consequences, from the end of a loving relationship to even suicides. If you truly love yourself and your slave, protect yourself and protect them. Make sure there is a continuous communication that is working towards building a strong foundation of Honor and Trust.

I cannot emphasize enough that Honor and Trust are always vital essential parts of a successful BDSM relationship. It works like a simple safeguarding system within the bond; one that is not dependent on an outside party to make the judgment calls, but instead each person is being honest and truthful, both to themselves and to the other(s) involved.

If honesty and truthfulness are traits that you have difficulty with, or do not even desire to work towards achieving, then you need to rethink entering into a BDSM relationship. Communication and honesty, and truthfulness in the communication, will form the strong basis for Honor and Trust.

To build this necessary base takes time.
Again, communicate !!
Share ideas, ideals, thoughts and emotions.
Talk freely and extensively about needs, wants, desires and fears. Do not be afraid to laugh together and share your dreams. Negotiate and be open minded.

  Honor and Trust are not things that will be, or can be, very easily obtained. It will take patience and lots of effort. In short, it takes work and dedication. The time it takes to build this base will vary with each individual relationship. In a BDSM bond, the ultimate gift of honor and trust comes when you can give yourself over to someone without any fear.

I do not mean that you need to just feel comfortable, but you really must be able to Honor and Trust that person basically with your life.

If this feeling is missing, the relationship cannot blossom to its fullest glorious potential. Also, Honor and Trust are very powerful assets and to place them in the care of the wrong person can be dangerous mentally, physically and emotionally.

If you find you cannot build this base of Honor and Trust with your BDSM partner, there is a huge problem forming. However, if you can Honor and Trust the partner in your relationship, there is an unbelievable marvelous love forming.

Let your beautiful loving relationship based on Honor and Trust, shine a beacon of light through the community. Have the strong relationship that others can see and feel, that they respect, and wish to obtain in their lives.

"Give it a try...the reward is a happiness that permeates your entire life."
"Have fun! Because this type of relationship makes life great !!"
"Enjoy your freedoms !"

Understanding Equality
"It is this wanting/needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal"

It never ceases to amaze me those who look down on someone for their particular bent in the lifestyle (Top or bottom) or feel that Dominant equals better and submissive equals lesser.

Now not many people admit to these feelings, after all it wouldn't be politically correct and let's all admit and take a deep breath of reality, even though our chosen lifestyle is not politically correct to the mundane world, we have our own sense of political correctness within the lifestyle.

Yet though some may not admit openly about this particular philosophy they show it in their mannerisms, their looks and even at times in their comments (outside those made in obvious jest). You, the reader may be one of them and I would especially encourage you to read this. If you're not one of them still read on, perhaps you know someone who should read this article or at least are told the highlights of it.

Dominants and submissives are equals. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Just because I am the Dominant partner and the one in charge does not dismiss the fact that my submissive is on equal footing with me. It's a matter of relationship. However you call the bond between a Dominant and a submissive, there exists a very real and breathing relationship between two people. And in the D/s relationship it takes two types of people to make a D/s relationship work correctly, a Dominant and a submissive.

It does go beyond just needing a Dominant and a submissive in a D/s relationship to make equals. Each person in whatever type of relationship you have with anyone you are involved with has a set of expectations, a set of rules and a set of priorities we recognize about each other. The D/s relationship is no different.

Now I have heard the argument, "I am the Dom, so I set the rules, the expectations and the priorities". Well good for you, don't all of us Doms do that? Yes, but only the foolish don't realize we can only set these rules and expectations and priorities to a partner who as an equal has her own set of rules, expectations and priorities she needs.

As much as a Dominant expects a submissive to follow their concepts of rules, expectations and priorities, a Dominant must be willing to do likewise for a submissive. Both partners need something within a relationship. Yes a submissive wants to have rules and sets of priorities and expectations set for them, but they also have some needs of their own that a Dominant needs to fill.

Before we go stroking our egos thinking, "yeah they need us", let us not forget we want/need them as much as they do us.

It is this wanting/needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal. It is the very fact that it takes a Dominant partner and a submissive partner to make a D/s relationship to work, that makes Dominants and submissives equal.

To both Dominants and submissives a piece of advice: want your partner to make you happy and do all that they can to nurture you? Do the same back. Dominants lets face some facts, we want to be in control, to be the one who is looked up to and adored, to be served and taken care of like WE demand to be taken cared of. What makes us more special than our own submissives that we can't do the same back and treat them in a manner which lifts them up and makes them feel as special as they make us feel?

It means recognize that what THEY want/need will most likely be different than what you want. This isn't to say they have no interest or even desire other than to please you and your wants/needs but they also need the same care they show us. Some of you may be sitting and reading this and wondering, well how do I show the same care they show us? Find out from your submissive. Take time to actually ask what they want to do once in awhile, or better yet get to know your partner so well that you don't have to ask, you can just do.

A submissive who is treated as an equal instead of a lesser being is more apt to be more self-assured, better able to handle situations when you are not there to handle them and will take little if any shit from others when you're not around. Now some of you may be sitting there thinking that is not how a submissive should be.

I argue that your primary role as a Dominant is to be able to release your submissive into the world stronger and better off than before she knew you and able to do it ALONE. After all, no relationship lasts forever, even if it is death to us part.

Make sure your submissive can handle being on her own if and when the time ever comes. You can start by making sure you're equals.