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I am an owned puppy. The Lord Demarc is my Master. 036 327 635
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Not too much has changed. I've started going to the gym with the one girl I really like and trust to be around us as often as she is. Though her schedule has been busy as of late we've not made our morning commitment but I am sure next week we'll be back on track.
It is frustrating, hitting the holidays and having gotten almost nowhere in many aspects of my self improvement. I should have been far thinner by now. Hell how hard is it to lose 10 lbs a month? Apparently harder than I thought it was. Last year was great, but then again I had alot more time to work on bettering myself. Now much of my time is spent in keeping up the house and hell.. I don't know what else. I'm still missing a bit of motivation and I wish I could find it but alas.. it'll come sometime. I thought watching "The Biggest Loser" would help, and it did in the first week but after that it stopped. Of course if I had a personal trainer pushing my ass and a personal chef in charge of making every meal for me I'd be able to drop weight like bricks. Ah well :P
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Plateaued. Sad to say that I've only managed to lose about 30 lbs this last year. Oh well.. it's not supposed to come off fast anyway :(
Anyway, life is a struggle but the one of my life tries hard to make it better for me. Really in truth I am responsible for that and I need to stop crying over all the bullshit that haunts my mind.
We have a couple girls we play with, but, none of them are the slave type which is fine with me. I have absolutely no desire to serve beside another slave. Playthings, fucktoys.. well.. good enough. Friends? There are a couple out there :)
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I am glad to see that my One's journal entry is so upbeat. Glad that he likes life, it's been pretty miserable for me. I've lost another 5 lbs.. down to 229. Getting harder though as depression takes its toll. The girls have been coming around. Atleast he gets a benefit. All sacrificing for the one I serve right? |
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Cus I have nothing better to write.... 238 now |
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Still stuck with the weight loss bullcrap...stuck at 249(the holidays suck). I lost my desire to lose. I am stressing about money... finally stopped stressing out about other girls though. I noticed though, about 75 percent of owned girls are looking for another for their Master..(I am included in this), and yet...probably 85 percent of those girls wish their master would be happy with just them (again I am included in this). He hasnt pressured me about it.. but truthfully, very few girls truly enjoy sharing. I don't mind a plaything every once and a while, but.. I am definitely not a poly girl. Still, I've asked him on several occasions and, he isn't willing to trade me for another girl who might be poly..(then again, I truly think there aren't many out there).
Anyway.. just figured to update this shit since I havent in a while. |
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Not much has changed. I am now at 243 for weight loss. The Wellbutrin doesn't help with depression much. I made the decision that in February I will be making the move to Seattle, and, transferring my job to a place in Bellevue. I will still be coming to Spokane biweekly to be with my daughter, or bring her back to Seattle with me. It is a big change.
We are all strapped for cash.. I am in desperate amounts of debt but am making the slow climb out. Its overwhelming at times, but what is worse is the emotional yo-yoing I go through. ~sigh~ |
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So now I am on wellbutrin for depression, and, to aid weightloss, doctor prescribed it 2 days ago. My weight loss is slow but it's there just the same. I hit my 100 lb mark a while back and now I am at 255. My new goal is to be under 200 when my One signs his divorce papers in June of next year. Good stuff. |
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I had one good day. Since then, the rest of the world has gone to shit. Just the same, now I'm at 267. Atleast that is going right. |
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Why is it I read my old entries and just want to cry? So much has changed from the fun and games, stress has taken it's toll. Even the trips along the pullman highway make me nearly break down into tears as I look toward Steptoe and remember my tagging. I remember other things there too, staring over the fields of snow beneath the highway, the occasional pheasant flying overhead. We had time then to stall, to enjoy eachother, for some reason all that is gone.
He is going through a divorce, tough really with the child custody battle, and I understand that fully. I try to be there in all ways that I can but I only feel like I fail time and time again. Even human puppies need to hear praise and it's been so long.
I can't fault him for it though. I fail to meet his expectations, when once they were clear and defined and I could conquer them with ease, now I rarely know what is needed and then I somehow fail to do it correctly or in a timely manner. Of course my duties have changed too.
Once it was to learn how to be gothic, how to dress, and how to do the makeup. How to wear the right shoes and put up my hair. This comes naturally for me. Since December I created my own expectation to lose weight, and well, I've had a couple major plateaus, but, so far I've dropped 93, a huge improvement. I've another 97 or so to go before I'm perfection but sometimes even this seems in vain, almost unnoticed. Probably some of my biggest motiviators in losing is seeing other people's reactions to it. My friends notice it, but they see me rarely, and my husband thinks he notices it (when you see someone often enough, well, it's hard to tell).
Now every change I've made to myself seems like it doesn't matter. I know, selfish of me to even say it, especially concerning what is going on with him, but my feelings are there just the same and sometimes typing them is easier then speaking them. Get them out of my mind and onto paper is a type of therapy really.
Anyway, this is just me venting a bit. If you actually made it through the end, congrats for having the patience to listen to a whiny little bitch for a while.
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well its been 6 weeks. I walked out on my job and just started a nwe one, well the same thing at a new place yesterday. Fun stuff. I've been living in Seattle practically these last 4 weeks til now with my whole new job thing. Unfortunately credit cards got out of control.
As for my weight loss, eh I'm down to 277... about 5 lbs for the whole month and a half, but then again, I haven't really been trying. Life has been pretty stressful. I feel really badly about myself .. down. Sometimes I feel that my one is bored with me.. he may be. So I've redoubled my efforts to lose weight... for whatever reason I may have though, I just ride it since in the end it's for the best regardless the results of the future.
And should you, my One read this, just know that right now I am in a low. Happens every now and then. I'll snap out of it by the morning. |
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Eeeps only lost 4 lbs in the last 3 weeks... I need to bust ass.. whats wrong with me? Ack. Anyway, I'm at like 283..should be 282 tomorrow. Spent the last 5 days with him but it does get harder to part each time.
In any case, now I'm at an 80 lb loss.. yay! :) |
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Bah, I've been plateaued out for the past week, sucky, but I can work though it. Part of the problem is, my one does not eat on a regular basis lol.. so when I am trying to get in my 5 small meals, I have to struggle in order to eat right and healthy. Still, I must say it's a small sacrifice to be able to spend so much time with him. Instead of counting the days we've been together in the month, we can count the days we've not seen eachother on one hand heh.
No distance is too far for the right one. Even as I struggle with minor insecurity, I am eternally grateful with his patience for me, and, the depths of his love and devotion to me just as I give him the same amaze me.
Thank you my One. |
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Faster and faster it falls yay! 287 this morning... sweet!!
Going to spend the weekend with my One! weeee! |
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Things get deeper still. It was a first, the spilling of blood in the heat of our interaction. My ass is bruised and marked now deliciously. I crave everything he does to me, from sensual to brutal. He is all encompassing, the term I'd dubbed from the start. There is no other way to describe him and it.
I am fortunate that when I feel insecure, he's right there to soothe me, and, secure me in my place with him. |
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Right now I am perusing pictures from last year. I was in the midst of my search. As I gaze at those pictures I know I was at my peak weight, around 374 or so. I thought I still was able to look sexy, to be pretty. I am not ugly, I know that, but, I nearly gasp seeing those images. I cannot believe that I got so large. Much has changed now, indeed it is a lifestyle change that I've learned to create.
I have support from many aspects of my life, my Master, my husband, friends and family, as well as co workers. I look in the mirror now, 70 lbs lighter from when I started at 362(yes now at 292), and grin. I can see the changes, feel the changes. Things fit better, I feel better.
I know that those people in my life support me no matter what, but, I am glad to have accomplished as much as I have, and, continue to do so. In another 50 lbs, I'll finally be comfortable enough to post a picture.
Despite all the stress in my life, this is one thing that constantly makes me feel good, to step on that scale every morning and see the numbers drop, often consistantly a pound per day.
I've found the right combination of things to command my body's obedience. While I am fully submissive to my One, and never a switch, it is nice to have that control I've never had before.
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Things continue to be on that horrid rollercoaster, my emotions up and down. Atleast my weight continues to drop.
It is tough dealing with everything going on, and trying to make them turn out the best for all parties. Just the same, I have faith in my One, and in us. |
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Wee!! I'm under 300! Less than 100 lbs to go til I am at my first true goal, anything after that is icing on the cake.
In other news, things are still strong and intense with mine despite the outside forces giving us grief. I am doing my best to constantly improve myself, along with the weight also I need to desperately work on my habits of cleaning and organizing. I admit this has never been a strong point of mine, but I see it as important as the weight loss in pleasing my One. I am reinventing myself. Scary almost, but awesome at the same time to change things I never thought I would do so eagerly.
Thank you, and, I know that Michael thanks you too :) |
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4/24/2006 12:04:43 AM
Well I've been on a plateau for the past few weeks now, having hit my 60 lb mark, I just am kind of sitting here waiting for it to break. Part of the problem is, I've had many trips to Seattle, hotel living and eating out(as well as irregularly) kind of stumped my loss but I figure as long as nothing is gained back I'm good to go.
This week I am going to make a concerted effort to start getting to the gym again and doing this thing right. The hardest part really is just making sure to eat often enough, it is far too easy to eat breakfast then forget to eat again until night. A busy work schedule also pretty much threw my body into starvation mode to conserve calories (damn why does it have to work against me like that lol?)
As for my relationships, they are still continuing on, and it amazes me that in a little over four months I've become so attached to my Top. It's more than that though, I mean, the Top is only a small percentage of what our relationship is. All I know is that I am truly lucky that fate works as it does. Despite the hardships caused by outside forces, we've remained strong and true to eachother.
Now to put my nose to the grind stone and start kicking ass again in my diet/exercise!!
3/31/2006 9:20:42 PM
On a lighter note, I didn't make my goal of being under 300 by the 25th, but, not doing bad just the same. I'm now at 307, probably 306 by tomorrow morning :D
I can see it when I look in the mirror, and it excites me. :D
I am his creation, I hope always to please him in everything that I do.
3/25/2006 11:12:38 AM
Once again I stepped into Satan's lair, unbeknownst to the bitch who occupies it. There, I desecrated the sanctuary, screamed into the pillow, and tainted the sheets with my surrender.
3/19/2006 12:46:36 AM
The later part of this week, I stepped past the threshold to enter the devil's lair. A thing no other of my type has done, has had the honor or opportunity. I am grateful for the chance, and look forward to the next time.
I am sad right now, however. Our visits become closer and closer together, and at each I weep miserably when I am forced to part from him. It is no secret that I love him, my own husband knows and accepts it. I did not go into this seeking such emotions, but I admit now that I knew the first day.
All encompassing.
It is frightening, even now. I do not doubt his love for me nor mine for him, only the situations that keep us apart. When he feels pain, I wish to be there to comfort him, but 300 miles is a cruel distance.
I do not know what the future has in store, but, I'll protect him, and guard him, and maintain my devotion and loyalty to him as the named puppy I am. His hellhound.
3/4/2006 12:20:56 PM
Mm also to update my weight loss, it's slowed down a little bit but I'm at 319 now. Going to need to up the ante. My next goal is to be under 300 by the 25th of March. :D |
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3/4/2006 11:10:15 AM
There are things that, should someone have asked me 4 months ago, would I do it, I'd have said no. Examples are unnecessary of course, you merely need to speculate. Now, however, I could not imagine ever telling him no. There is a level of trust between us that is amazing. It can be frightening to some, or beyond their comprehension. It is something I did not realize could exist. The one I serve is trusted with my life. I wear his tag, I obey without hesitation, and I am fulfilled. I am grateful that fate shone brightly on me that day, and continues to do so.
2/15/2006 6:49:04 AM
Damn. Yesterday when I weighed, I knew I'd hit my first goal finally of 326 but who knew I'd blow right past that and hit 325. Truly I have the confidence to know that this time, I will be where I need to be. I am at a 37 lb loss since December.
What once seemed impossible now seems quite feasible, and I can see my final goal. 30 more lbs and I'm at my next one. :) My goal? To have that gone by the end of April, if not sooner.
2/14/2006 10:54:08 PM
This picture was taken within minutes of me being tagged. It was cold out, but, I could not feel it. I could see the sunlight upon the fields, the sway of foliage beneath the breeze, and I could see him before me, taking pictures while in my hand I held that very tag that I'd studied for nearly fifteen minutes. I am the biggest critic of myself, and my first reaction when I saw this picture was to hate it for my imperfections, but, moments later, I remembered just how special that moment was to me. Knowing I was to be tagged, owned, complete.
Whether others find the picture pretty or not, I don't care. I share it only to share a small sliver of the wonder I felt, the excitement, the happiness.
2/10/2006 5:35:06 PM
Just had a wonderful three days with my Master, and yes I can call him that now, as I'm tagged. I won't share my number or his name, but, I am very much tagged, owned, taken. I have learned so much, and grown deeper in my surrender, and it amazes me just how deeply I want to please and how frighteningly horrified I get when I learned I have not.
I look forward to our next visit. Indeed, it is so hard to part.
1/26/2006 9:10:39 AM
Whoot! Hit the 30 lb mark :D ~dances~ |
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1/24/2006 10:15:43 PM
Bahhhhh he took my scale away!!! My Top, that is, told my husband to hide it. I guess I was getting a bit neurotic about weighing, but I do it in the morning before I do anything else. Arg. Now I have to clean my house to earn it back! Such an abused puppy! ~snickers~
Actually truth be told, I enjoy the feeling of him in control. It reminds me that it is not always sexual, but, can be very mental, concerning things I do not necessarily want to do, such as cleaning my house.
In anycase, I did get some cloths from Torrid, super sexy stuff, and some freaking awesome shoes that raise me like 3 inches, not that I want to be past 5'10, but, he did mention that in those shoes, I wouldn't spend much time on my feet. Teehee!
Mm, spring is coming, I can feel it (even if we are doomed for another snow storm or two), and soon I'll be an officially collared slave. I am very much looking forward to it. I am fortunate to have such an understanding and wonderful husband that permits this. Of course, he has some nice side benefits too, a clean house (on occasion), and well, I think he just found a nice little pain chiclet to play with, yay!
I'm gonna go, but, here's to hoping everyone finds what they are looking for in their search, as I have. Muah!
puppy
1/9/2006 10:58:13 PM
Whoot! Down 23 lbs from when I started about 3 weeks back. Awesome stuff, about 13 lbs from my first goal, (the weight I was before I got pregnant), and 54 lbs from the second goal (The weight I was when I met my husband when I was 18)... then on down from there!
I have great support both from my husband and my Top. Damn I'm a lucky puppy :D
1/4/2006 5:47:00 PM
Trust plays a big part in a relationship such as this. Of course, this is a given. Sometimes I fail to trust, but, I am fortunate to have come across one that permits this and manages to teach me to trust through his actions.
2006 is the Chinese year of the dog. Being that I am deemed 'puppy', I think that this will be a good year.
12/21/2005 9:26:45 PM
Happy birthday to me....
Happy... birthday... to ... me.
12/13/2005 10:16:16 PM
It is amazing with each passing interlude how deep I become immersed. Just a scratch upon the surface and I hunger for more, eager to surrender to the fullest degree. This is what I dreamed of and more. I cannot say thank you enough. |
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12/2/2005 4:45:57 PM
Notice:
I am no longer looking, for, I've found the one. A year I've been searching, and I have truly learned that good things come to those who wait. Many times I considered giving up in the search, thinking perhaps it was a hopeless case. One dead end after another very much tried my patience. It is amazing though, when you know. When you look in another's eyes and *know* it is right, and *know* that the search was not in vain.
Thank you, truly, for fulfilling that need.
12/1/2005 11:03:53 AM
Taken. Very much taken.
12/1/2005 4:53:40 AM
I learned something today. Puppies should always have wet noses. :D |
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