just an fyi... 

i am NOT looking for a Dom/Daddy or Master.
 
i am in training as a real life consensual slave, and my hope is that one day Sir will decide i've become the kind of slave He desires to become a permanent part of His world.

i am not on here much at all. you can find me over on fet life dot com if you want.

wishing everyone days filled with joy, laughter, love, and peace ~

with time comes learning
with learning comes understanding
with understanding comes acceptance
with acceptance comes completion
not completion in the sense of
'You complete me"
but completion as in
i have the answers i've searched for
and therefore the holes are filled
i have become complete
i have become
me
the basic needs of a human
food and water
clothing as appropriate
a roof over our heads
yes but there are
arguably more
how else to explain
this burning
this craving that never ends
some may say it is a want
a desire
but wants and desires are fluid
can be accomodated by more than one
can change with the seasons
can be satisfied by proxy
i understand
trust
control
begins with
faith
faith in who i am
in what i am
in where i am going
that i know what is right
for 
me 
knowing this
i don't believe i can describe
how full i feel
and full is such a lacking word
and yet
i am full
overflowing with knowing
this acceptance
this completion
as i settle in
face the fears of my ascent
embrace the knowledge
open myself to the possibilities 
continue the descent
as it may be
into the abyss
i burn with a fire so constant
i ache with a need so deep
i cry with a joy so strong

...He came in and hugged me and we sat down and talked. i poured Him a drink and myself a glass of wine and we talked and talked and talked and talked. Honestly, something He asked me brought instant tears and i started crying ten minutes into the conversation. i was mortified because all He had asked me was “Who are you?” i felt like such an idiot. And my guard was up and i was closed off to Him because my reaction to Him was so intense. He brooked no nonsense from me though and insisted i answer His questions and discuss things with Him i didn’t want to. He was polite and respectful at all times, yet was clearly, definitively, in charge. And i was ’lost’. Where i was meant to be. And that scared the hell outta me to be honest, but i wasn’t going to run away no matter how badly i wanted to.
His timing was perfect the whole night. He knew when to touch me, how to touch me, when to say things, when to be firm, demanding, commanding. He gave me pain in the perfect doses, pleasure like crazy. He had listened to my likes and dislikes. The thing i remember the most is how much He played with my hair in all different ways, as i had told Him it was one of my biggest erogenous zones. He bit me, hard, and it was amazing. Right in the middle of a conversation He would just have me stand and spank me, or use the strap, or touch me in places. i was in a constant state of arousal for hours. He made me cry in pain and pleasure and talked to me the whole time…giving instructions, demanding things, asking questions, telling me to be quiet. i love restraints and we had none, but they were in my mind and i was able to lie still - which is almost impossible for me to do. We did not have intercourse, fyi, lol, but with all that did go on it wasn’t necessary. The pleasure He gave me, demanded i have when He wanted it, i have never had with anyone before. Orgasm control at its finest… lol… At one point he was torturing my nipples and i went to my knees instinctively, with no thought and rested my head in his lap and He said, this is where you feel comfortable, isn’t it? And of course, i was in heaven. And He said to me once that i just needed to be the little girl i never got to be and that He would be my Daddy for me. i felt so at peace then and i cried in His arms. And i am the one that always thought it was creepy to be sexually intimate with someone that called Himself Daddy, but i understood it then. It all made sense to me in a strange way, even if it is a bit weird to me.
When He left the next afternoon i was so forlorn… truly missing Him and wishing i lived in California. He said when i am ready He is there, whenever that may be. And that i belong there with Him. If only He didn’t believe that i should incur all expenses to spend time together. That makes me feel like He would just be using me, so i have stopped talking with Him. Yes, i do still miss Him, or if i am honest, maybe i miss what He did to me, with me, and FOR me. i can only hope that i am able to find that with someone that feels it is more of a partnership instead of just a one way street.

i realize i haven't taken the time to write in quite a while. life does tend to get in the way... i'd like to say things are looking up for me and for the most part they are, i suppose. no, i have not found the One, or if i have, it is too soon to tell. ;') i still don't look at this lifestyle and this site as a hook-up site...perhaps that is my error? hmmm... i appreciate all the messages that i receive from all sides and it helps to bolster me when i become apathetic or disillusioned. and of course, there are those that are still one or two word intros or some such. not even a simple hello, just some inane comment. a simple hello conveys so much more than some of the messages i've received. anyway... i continue to go thru the ups and downs of something that is intangible but oh so necessary. and for those that are close to me that think i am starving for this to be reality... well duh... but that doesn't mean i am willing to just play around or settle. this is me, what i am, what i want, what i need, what i will have. patience is a virtue i am finally learning, albeit painfully. ;') but i am also learning how to more quickly weed out the Ones that are who They say They are, even on a base level, versus the Ones that are here for a quick pick-me-up... and also learning how to weed out the Ones that say what They think i want to hear instead of Their true thoughts on my situation and what could possibly be Their place in it. hmmm... truth really doesn't hurt that much, ya know? so, okay, i'm venting a bit i guess... but there are times i still feel like chucking it all and just living the vanilla. not as often, and not as strongly... i think there may be hope for me yet... ;')

i wish E/everyone a safe and joyous New Year. and watch out 2008...i'm comin' for ya...

be well ~
peace ~

connected
hello
a voice
invisible
line of sight
scared
running
unexpected
unbelievable
un everything
pulled
aware
touched
molded
melded
fear
comfort
knowledge
insight
acceptance
Daddy
Sir
Master
hello
connected

A newly admitted submissive’s lessons learned so far:

1 - You hear a lot about open and honest communication being a must. It is. Although a submissive/slave’s greatest desire is or should be to please their Dom/Master/Mistress, without knowledge of what is pleasing, the submissive/slave is being set up to fail. There is no way around that. And the only way of knowing what is pleasing is to be taught that, informed of that by the Dom/Master/Mistress. This is not something that will happen overnight, but it has to be done for the happiness of both parties. What is wanted/needed/acceptable to both parties should also be discussed up front, negotiated and agreed-upon before that first step is ever taken. If a submissive/slave is being open and forthright with a Dom/Master/Mistress, they should demand the same in return. It boils down to having respect for each other as human beings before the lifestyle.

2 - Red flags/gut instinct/intuition: Heed them! If you feel something is askew, missing, out of step, there is. If you have questions or concerns and are unable to get the answers, you will do nothing but bang your head against a brick wall in frustration and in doubt and confusion. This will make for an unhappy submissive/slave, which in turn will make for an unhappy Dom/Master/Mistress.

3 - Trust: Most submissives/slaves have little or no ability to trust, at least in the beginning. Past hurts or memories of long ago injuries leave scars that have to be dealt with. The actions of a Dom/Master/Mistress are the only way to build trust. If a Dom/Master/Mistress is unwilling or unable to help you build that trust, there is something askew, missing, out of step. See number 2.

4 - Letting go of past hurts: Probably the hardest thing for anyone to do let alone a submissive/slave. At least this one. But a must also. This takes time and trust. A Dom/Master/Mistress that isn’t willing to be patient and caring can only have Their own interests at heart. See number 3.

5 - Loving: Not so sure it pertains to all, but this submissive loves easily and deeply. That being said, a Dom/Master that truly cares for a submissive/slave should take care to handle with care. If the Dom/Master does not wish for a submissive/slave to love them, it should be discussed in the beginning of the relationship. See number 1.

6 - Intentions for the relationship: i suppose this could fall under the open and honest communication lesson, but i am separating it because it holds a very important place to me. What both parties want from the relationship should be discussed and negotiated at the very beginning of any journey the two make. That way there is no room for misinterpretation or misconception on either part. Truth will leave no room for misperceptions.

7 - Teaching/showing: A submissive/slave wants to learn how to be the best self they can be. This helps them be the best submissive/slave they can be for their Dom/Master/Mistress. A Dom/Master/Mistress that truly cares for their submissive/slave will do whatever is needed to teach and show them what is necessary for them to change for personal growth, which will in turn make the submissive/slave a better possession. A self-confident submissive/slave is a happy submissive/slave, which in turn will make a happy Dom/Master/Mistress.

8 - Aftercare: the free fall/let down after a session can be devastating to a submissive/slave. When all a submissive/slave wants to do is curl up at the feet of their Dom/Master/Mistress and be comforted, the worst thing that can happen is to be dismissed out of hand with nary a backward glance. This does nothing for the submissive/slave’s self-esteem or self-confidence but knock it further down. It leaves a submissive/slave feeling adrift, alone, uncared for, unworthy, insignificant. See number 7.

9. your mouth will get your a** in trouble everytime: a submissive/slave should never let her emotions overrule her head. Using words as a weapon doesn't help a situation and can only make matters worse. Containing your thoughts and learning to control yourself is of utmost importance.

i guess the bottom line for me is that i’ve learned these lessons. Painful they are too. But oh so very necessary. And i have absolutely no regrets in learning them. These lessons can only help me on my journey to being the submissive/slave i have always denied myself but no longer am willing to do.

This is not meant as an attack on any person, place, or thing. i am truly eternally grateful to the One that imparted the teachings. i believe people are brought into our lives because we ask for them, for whatever they are there to teach us. i hold no bitterness for the loss, no hatred or disdain, and the pain will fade with time.

i am not saying that what i have written is correct or right. All i am saying is that these are the lessons i have learned on my oh so short journey thus far.

blessings ~ be well ~