I suck at it. I know I suck at it. I try to be so clear about what I want, and what I need, and how far I'm willing to go to get those things. What I seem incapable of doing is discussing my fears. Those deep things that have happened in my life that have scarred me. I believe that words have power, and that once something is put into words, it can create a self fulfilling prophecy. So to prevent those things that have scarred me from happening again, I don't' talk about them. On the flip side of that coin, I also believe that if I do not learn from my history, I am doomed to repeat it. So here goes another brick on my yellow brick road to self discovery, personal growth, and transparency.

I happen to be a very intense individual. You may not have noticed, because I tend to hide my intensity under a well polished demeanor. In the past, I have had the tendency to go after what or whom I wanted, or needed with an incredible amount of zeal. I have been known to pursue things and people with an intensity that has overwhelmed, and in turn, made them run screaming for the hills. This hurts me a lot, because I don't ask many people into my life. I don't pursue scads of friends, or a teeming beehive of a life. I find a few people, and want to be all up in them, around them, with them, and immersed in them. And that scares the living fuck out of them.

So to avoid scaring the living fuck out of those I've tried to open myself to, I've fallen into a new pattern. I express an interest, reach out a time or two, and let it go. It's easier for me to believe I may have been forgotten by those I'd give nothing more than to immerse myself in, than to think I've come on too strong and scared them away. As I said earlier, I don't have a lot of people in my inner circle. As a matter of fact, my inner circle is all I really have. Some of them are awesome, and consistently let me know that I'm in their thoughts. They let me know what's going on in their lives, and make an effort to include ME. There are a few that I've reached out to, to try to bring them into my inner circle, and be a part of theirs, that I feel as though I'm little more than a passing thought to, because I've expressed that initial interest, and reached out a time or two, and I get very little feedback. THAT FUCKING HURTS. I opened myself up to them. I expressed a desire to be part of their lives, and have them be a part of mine, and get little more than a post on my wall once in a while. There are a couple who are new, that I'd give anything in this world to be a part of their lives, and be allowed to immerse myself in, but am soooo fucking scared of overwhelming them, that I'm keeping myself in check. That's hard too.

I know that a closed mouth doesn't get fed. I'm good at asking for what I want. What I hate, is standing here with my mouth open and my heart in my hands, and still not getting what I need or want, and have asked for from some of those whom I've been told that an interest is reciprocated, and yet nothing ever seems to happen. So, I walk around shielding my heart, with my mouth open just a little, and hope someone will feed me, because I'm afraid of asking for too much. I'm needy. I'm scared. I'm lonely. But if someone doesn't let me into their lives, the way I've invited them into mine, how am I going to ever get past the neediness, the fear, and the loneliness?

It's a beautiful day, kiddo. C'mon now; turn that frown upside down!

What's that you say? Your property just left and you didn't want hir to? Really? What happened? Why don't you come on in, pull up a chair, and give me the deets? I've got a nice pot of something that might help brewing on the stove; it'll be ready in a minute.

You got totally blindsided. Uh huh.

Everything was great until sie left. Got it.

It wasn't even that sie wanted to leave, but sie's other partner(s) wasn't comfortable with how awesome you were for hir and scuttled your relationship. Yeah.

You're just such catnip, so special and dark and broody, that sie lied to you about hir experience and couldn't put hir ass where hir mouth was. Yup.

Sie didn't even try to talk it through with you, just abandoned hir commitment. Check.

That other d-type was new and shiny, so sie went all sparkle-eyed mooney over it and threw away everything you had with hir. Ayuh.

You were going through a hard time and needed a little emotional support, and sie was only in it for the giggles. For sure.

So, I think I just heard the kettle whistle, and you seem to be mostly done with reciting your litany of ills. Time for me to pour you a nice, dark cup of Suck It Up, Buttercup and assure you that it is absolutely your fault!

You're speechless. Let me seize the opportunity to explain.

You are the owner. You signed up for this relationship. You are putatively in charge. You make the rules, you draw the lines, you are responsible for steering the good ship Adventure. Wouldn't matter if your property got abducted by aliens. It's still your fault, whether or not you could do anything to prevent it, because when you accept the role of alpha dog, that's what you get.

But wait, there's more! Don't take the comment about "abducted by aliens" to mean that your responsibility lies in the realm of the wholly theoretical, please; that while you bear responsibility through your position, you were largely helpless to prevent this woeful circumstance. That's bullshit.

If you got blindsided or thought everything was great, you weren't looking hard enough. You're the one in charge because you're the one who can read hir like an open book, yeah? If you can't, you shouldn't be owning someone. Go back to the playground.

If you chose someone who in turn chose their other partner(s) over you, or someone who got in over hir head, or someone who is prone to abandoning commitments or running after new and shiny objects, one of three things happened: Either you chose poorly, you weren't good enough to manage these conditions (because they are manageable, oh yes, yes they are), or you were boring hir. Either way, the problem is you. Deal with it.

If you were going through a rough time, my sympathies. Really! The good news is that you now have all the time in the world to work on getting your crap in one sock. Can't run your own life? You shouldn't be running someone else's. Show too much weakness and you will be replaced. You signed up for this because egalitarian relationships don't work for you, yeah? Welcome to the flip side.

If you don't like it, or can't deal, that's perfectly fine. If you want the kind of relationship that allows you to let down your hair, put up your feet, and shrug off the mantle of responsibility, where both parties share equally in its success or failure, that's great!

It's just not ownership.

Owning human pets is fantastic. You get to have what you want when you want it. You're adored, worshipped, served in nigh-Godlike ways. Done right, ownership reduces relationship conflict to near-zero levels, fills deep psychological needs, and helps you help the property fix itself.

But everything has its price, and the price of this is either to play the game well enough to be worthy of it... or to accept fault when things go sideways.

 

Credit To : Tetanus -